A karaoke update (and I didn't even sing)

Last night I went to karaoke with Beth. It's the first time I've seen her since my birthday because I was in no condition to go to karaoke the day after surgery and last week I was busy getting ready for an apartment inspection.*

*You want to get me to clean? Inspect our apartment and then threaten us with possible fees and/or eviction if my bedroom isn't cleaned. Keem will freak and lay down the law. My bedroom is now shiny and new and I am not sleeping with a ton of boxes on the left side of the bed (sleeping single in a double bed, can't toss and turn because I'll hit myself in the head). There's still a lot of boxes I need to go through, ones that I haven't touched since I moved into my apartment building over 6 years ago but I did get rid of a lot of junk and brought a ton of books down to the laundry room (there are bookshelves where you can leave books you don't want and this is awesome).

Also at karaoke was my kick ass niece Betsy. She is the daughter of my half brother, Bruce and she is incredibly awesome. If I knew Bruce's phone number, I would call him to tell him what a great job he did with her. Betsy's going to be graduating from college this year (so will Beth). I told her I'd have to get her a card and do the proud aunt thing and she told me there would be a family party sometime this summer that I could go to. Which I might take her up on. It would be weird because I haven't seen that side of the family since my Dad's funeral (well, except for Betsy) but also kind of fun.

Betsy was playing that bar trivia game, I think the network is NTN or something like that. After Liz and James arrived, I asked Annie (our bartender) for a playing thing (the network calls them playmakers but that just irritates me) and decided to take on Betsy.

Ha. She kicked my ass. At one point, after I got another answer wrong about something that I had never even heard of, I turned to her and told I hated her. She laughed. Apparently she doesn't take my hatred seriously. I sighed and said I should have know, she was smarter than me, younger than me and prettier than me, of course I was getting whupped.

Then I got to witness the argument between her and James which was kind of awesome, if not weird. Both Betsy and James hate Ron Howard as a director but Betsy said Stephen Spielberg was worse. James took umbrage to this and I was then in the middle of a screaming match (okay, not really screaming but funny as hell) while they compared the merits of each director.

The night ended with Betsy and I each pitching in a quarter so we could buy the world's smallest glow stick, just to make sure they weren't really crack vials. She offered it to me. I may scrapbook it.

Beth and I hung out in my garage and talked until about 3:10 this morning. It was great catching up with her. We are going to have a scrapbooking weekend in April which will be loads of fun. Maybe I'll be able to finish Evora. Maybe. Probably not.

I am blaming James and Betsy for my strange dream last night where I was the oldest of 3 children and our father who wasn't really our father would beat us if we did anything wrong and my little brother didn't believe me until he didn't listen to me when I told him we had to be perfectly still when lying in the tiny bed that barely held the 3 of us and moved around and made noises and then our dad came downstairs and beat the heck out of us.

So then we went to this amusement park and these guys asked me to pretend to be a monster so I could play a trick on my fake father and I dressed up in a costume and they did these weird special effects and then I scared my fake father and made him promise to treat us all better and then the guys brought me out to see my family and it turned out they were Ron Howard, George Lucas and Stephen Spielberg & some Hispanic guy whose name I never caught & my father used to be a director as well & we were part of this strange movie that he was filming that was supposed to be like The Truman Show. Then I woke up. And said "WTF was that?"

And it was this and also the grogginess this morning that made me decide that 41 is not the new 21. I am freaking old. Old, tired, cranky and I want to go home.

As Co-Worker Julie said - "So it's a normal day, then?" You'll be pleased to know that I didn't punch her.

Hope you all have a great weekend. Sunday I am going to go to the store that James hates with a fiery passion so I can buy new glasses (Starts with W, ends with Mart, my insurance is through them). Kari is going to go with me because I need a responsible adult to make sure I don't pick out glasses shaped like stop signs. And then, oh joy, we are going to go to Chuck E. Cheese! I can't believe my luck! Small screaming children! How awesome. Apparently she has promised Josh.

Fun with sick people*

*Alternately titled Dana is on serious drugs (over the counter, people) and things are either confusing or amusing or both (and hey, confusing and amusing rhyme. confusing, amusing, confusing, amusing). It is a good thing Keem is in La Crosse or the whole little confusing/amusing dance number I just worked up would have put her over the edge on the Tolerating Dana Oddness scale.


Elvis hasn't left the building, he's still hanging around

Background - Beth went to Graceland and, knowing that I am a huge young Elvis fan, brought me back postcards with his glorious young image all plastered over them. I had been talking to Co-worker Rykken and Beau about something...

DM: Something, something, something. Rykken, you may notice that I am easily distracted sometimes by things...

Co-worker Rykken has worked with me since I started at this particular department of NABABNA and so has always been aware of how my mind works but, since he is somewhat diplomatic, doesn't start in with smart-ass sarcastic comments. Co-worker Beau, however, is not diplomatic and does. Co-worker Beau is not sufficiently frightened of the wrath that is Dana. Must work on this. Plus, I am quite sure Buddhists aren't supposed to be sarcastic. I am almost positive that this is a huge Buddhist rule. I think it is right up there with Thou shalt not mock Dana and make her cranky.

Beau: Sometimes something hanging on her wall is crooked.
DM: Hey! I am not!

Notices postcard of Elvis is askew and not charmingly so.

DM: Elvis is crooked. This will not do.

Starts straightening Elvis.

DM: Elvis is thwarting me!

Realizes Rykken and Beau are staring at her because she just got distracted by something she just said she didn't get distracted by.

DM: Oh, shut up.

Later, our heroine (that would be me) returns to her desk and sees that the postcard of Elvis is upside down. She realizes that this was done by Co-worker Rykken when she hadn't been looking. Our heroine (still me) sends Co-worker Rykken the following email:

From: DM
Sent: Thursday, February 28, 2008 12:24 PM
To: Co-worker Rykken
Subject: Elvis

Elvis is very cranky now. He doesn't like being upside down. The blood is rushing to his head.

Wooooooo. Wooooooo. Yoooooooou aaaaaain't noooooothin' buuuuut aaaaaa hooooound dooooog. Woooooo.

That is Elvis's ghost yelling at you. Be afraid. Be very afraid.


Not aware of my own strength

Last Monday, when I was home sick, I wandered into the bathroom and found that I had some clorasceptic lozenges left from January. Yay! My throat is sore. I will take one of the lozenges.

I push on the lozenge, hoping to break it from its thin tinfoil prison. Apparently I push just a tad too hard because it shoots out the package and, with a perfect arch, lands in the toilet. Kerplunk. Dammit. Luckily Keem, who is always prepared, had Halls cough drops in her room.

Dreams that make you say WTF?

I don't remember much about this but apparently I had a dream in which that Wallace Langham (Hodges from CSI: And oh my GOD how I do love him), Tiffany-Amber Theissen (but she may just go by Tiffany Theissen now, I'm not really all that up on my Saved by the Bell star trivia) and Viggo Mortensen were in this new reality show called "Trapeze with the Stars" and they were doing this elaborate routine to Helter Skelter. And I was one of the judges. And Wallace Langham may have kissed me. But I'm not sure about that part, it might have something to do with wishful thinking.

I do know that when I woke up, Helter Skelter was playing on iTunes.

Is that it? How is that it?

I swear to God there were more Sick Dana stories but I can't remember them now. Perhaps later.

I am feeling better, thank you for all your well wishes. I am still stuffy and coughing on occasion but no longer convinced I'm going to break ribs. Tomorrow my vacation starts and I am free from work for 7 glorious days (work days, actually, I don't return until the 13th) and then I can start panicking all over again about "How will I ever get this all done?" All I can say is that it better never again involve working until 10:30 (Friday) and coming in on Saturday (2-7:45). I was going to come in on Sunday but hadn't been sleeping well this last week since I couldn't wear my CPAP so ended up taking some Tylenol PM and conked out for most of the day. And still managed to go to bed at 8:30 and sleep until 7 this morning. Glorious, glorious sleep.

I should be able to catch up on blog reading this week. I hope so anyway! And I am working on the next entry in the Encyclopedia of Dee Em but can't figure out what D should be about. Any suggestions?

Oh, the frustration - needing some bloggy Mojo

Teri every once in awhile turns to what she calls bloggy Mojo and it seems to work for her pretty well. Now it is my turn.

So. You know how I work for NABABNA in the Stock Transfer Department? Well, for the last four months (maybe longer), I've been helping out with monitoring calls for Quality Purposes. I love this. I was interested in QP back when I worked for NABABNA's bank call center, applied for a position and ended up being Qualified Candidate number 7 when they had 6 jobs. The only reason I didn't get the 6th job was because I didn't speak Mandarin. I know. I mean how picky, right?

Anyway, today there is an email in my mail box that says "Hey, surprise, we're making some changes to the ST department!" One of those changes just happens to be an open position for QP. But there's a catch. Part of the job involves training. Oh, and taking phone calls as needed.

And there, my friends, lies the crux. I don't like training. Or, I guess I should say, I don't have the patientence for training. I get truly frustrated with newbies because they are all afraid to do things and sit around and say "Oh, I can't" or "I don't get this" or "Stop yelling at me, Dana (Okay, no one has actually ever said the last. I rarely ever yell at newbies)." And the person who I'd be assisting is more than aware of this because I told her this. If it was up to me, I would monitor calls from my little corner all day long and not deal with people. That would make me so happy.

And if this wasn't dilemma enough, guess what? There's more! Keem, who is an excellent trainer and patient with people and rarely ever makes them cry, is also interested in the position. She is more interested in the training part than the QP portion. We are both sitting here going "Why? Why couldn't they divide this up into two positions? Why?"

Anyway, I'm going to apply, she's going to apply and I'm sure others will. It's so frustrating. If you all could whisper some quick thoughts to the Mojo gnomes (or whatever they might be) that suddenly the decision will be made to split this into positions and both Keem and I would be hired, that would be great. I'm going to go back to banging my head against my desk. Thanks!

What's really bugging me about this is I dreamt Saturday morning that Keem, Beth and I all applied for the same job (not the one that is open, one as a personal assistant) and Keem was really upset about it because she was convinced she wouldn't get the job (in the dream). Of course, in the dream, I also really didn't want the job and took some extreme actions to make sure I didn't get it. It was very weird.

Hope you all have a great day! And weekend! Still working on questions for Beth and Sheryl. Brain is frozen.

Hi! Remember me?

Yeah, so I'm a little behind on the blog posts. And the checking of the blogs. I'll get caught up, I promise. Please remember what time of year it is. Do you know? Do you? The time of year that I HATE!

Yes. It is tax season. I hate tax season.

So I have much to tell you, my friends. Let's start with this for my mom who is probably still waiting for an email about the results of the tests that I mentioned in the Pennies From Heaven post.

Mom. Please reread this sentence. Perhaps it will help you know why you haven't heard me mention my tests lately - "Several years ago (2002 to be exact) I had what I refer to as “The Cancer Scare – Act 1 and 2.”" Surprise! I don't have cancer.

I had a great weekend. Spent it over at Beth's. It was a long weekend, starting Thursday and ending this morning at 3 AM (I hate Mondays!). I ran out of my apartment this morning at 6:30 and hopped in the nearest cab. No way was I going to attempt the bus.

This has been my day so far.

3:30 AM Curse the fact that there is only one working phone jack in our entire apartment and it happens to be in my room so the really cool phone we have that allows you to have multiple cordless phones scattered through the apartment has to be plugged in my room and the outlet nearest the phone jack decided to only work in one of those little plug in things (whatever they are called) and that's the one connected directly to the light switch so I had to unplug my lamp and plug the phones in there and now I don't have a light in my room and 0h my God, have you ever tried to set up a CPAP in the dark? Not fun.

6:00 AM Hit the snooze alarm. Go back to bizarre dream where Beth and I are stalking this couple so we can convince them not to break up because they're so fun and happy and we love them and we don't really know them so I'm not really sure who they are (not Bryan and Liz, I'm pretty sure it was Richie and Lina from The Class. Except that Beth doesn't watch The Class with me, Keem does so I'm really surprised that it was Beth stalking the couple with me) and they had this really weird fight where she took her bike onto the elevator and then he was mad at her because there wasn't enough room for his CAR (in his defense it was a one seater and was probably the size of an open umbrella. And it was orange. It kind of looked like an open orange umbrella, now that I think about it, except of course that there are not many umbrellas that have steering wheels. And so Beth and I are following them around and we come across the controversial Bayer aspirin commercial being filmed where Bayer is going to be the First! Ever! Company! to film a commercial using the "F" word. Yeah. The line was "Fuck! I have a headache. But I'm going to take Bayer Aspirin and it will be okay." Hopefully Bayer will not sue me or decide to film this commercial.

I know. I don't understand me either. Beth and I are standing there, begging these people not to break up because they bring us such joy. "Don't panic but we stalk you. But we're not bad stalkers. We're not going to kill you or lock you up in our basement or anything. Neither of us have a basement." I really don't understand why they were so concerned.

6:30 AM Get out of bed. Realize that I do not have time to shower. Decide it doesn't matter that I smell like cigarette smoke from being in bar for hours last night because people pretty much avoid me on Mondays. Apparently I'm a little cranky. I don't know why they think that. I'm sure it is normal to snarl at people when they are perky. Talk to Keem for a little bit about the fact that she completely SUCKS and is not going to work because she has jury duty.

6:45 AM Stare at cab driver in disbelief as he drives past convenience store I told him I needed to stop at. Disbelief doubles when he pulls into small gas station. What did he not understand about the conversation? What?

DM: I need to stop at the convenenience store on the way.
CD: Okay. Which one?
DM: I don't know the name but it is on the left side of the road.

The small gas station is neither convenient OR on the left side of the road. It is on the right side! And they do not have breakfast like food (or even lunch like food because I have been known to eat hamburgers for breakfast). They have Mountain Dew (thank God). And a lot of
Cheetos. But Cheetos Puffs or Cheetos Flaming Hot! Not the regular Cheetos that I like.

7 AM: Listen to voice mails. All 16+. I had a broker leave me approximately 15 voice mails. All asking me the same thing. If I don't call you, maybe it is because I'm not able to call you. Leaving me a voice mail every 15 minutes will not make me call you any faster!

Anyway, I have real posts to write but not a lot of time right now. Maybe later. Hope you're all well.

Oh, I leave you with this. I fell in love this weekend. Her name is Zoe. And she's pink and pretty and I would marry her. Well, if she wasn't a camera. Yes. I named my camera. What's your point?

State Fair Sunday is coming but first a message from my psyche

This has nothing to do with anything but when I pull up my email and receive an email that has a subject line of "Dana, Thou Art Worthy," I am really not expecting the email to be about downloading Christian music ringtones or, and this is really exciting, I can get bible quotes sent directly to my cell phone. Wow! I can't believe it! Actual bible quotes! To my cell phone! Yeah. You know where else I can get bible quotes? From my bible.

But maybe it does have something to with something. Last night/this morning, after Beth dropped me off, I had the freakiest dreams. These are dreams that are odder than anything I've ever had before. I was telling Keem about them this morning and I think I frightened her. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail about it (unless, of course, you comment along the lines of "Wow, Dana, this was a spectacular post but it was really missing the story of your freaky dreams. Would you be willing to post about that later? You're great. Everyone loves you. Men should throw themselves at your feet." Feel free to throw in other types of praise. I like that) but they involved a school that I was in charge of the water elevator (I don't know. It was a flume like thing that you rode down but the water didn't get you wet) and I had an argument with these stupid kids that were trying to water-ski and kayak on the water elevator which is obviously forbidden because, hello, pointy skis can hurt other people and then there was a scary, alien Jesus who was burning people and shouted (when I told him to stop) "Jesus doesn't listen! Jesus burns!" and then the dream switched and I got kicked out of a church because I wanted to read a book (that doesn't exist in real life but damn, I want to read it now), the sequel to "Good Omens" by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, and the leader of the church was really pissed off at me because I kept arguing with him about his stupid decision so he tried to have me killed and I was rescued by Fast Eddie who is actually a Norse God who is pretending to be a Superhero and I got to join his covert operations and be a Superhero as well and then I went back to the church and took over it. Oh, and Fast Eddie was played by Spike from Buffy and believe me, he is hotter as a Norse God than he ever was as a vampire. And also, this isn't even half of the stuff that happened. It was weird.

Anyway, today was kind of busy. I'm hoping it will slow down tomorrow so I can actually bring you the story of State Fair Sunday.