NABLOPOMO officially kicked my ass and my cat is a total dork

I tried. I really, really did. But what it all comes down to is that I started running out of things to say. And then the things that I were saying just weren't funny. And since my purpose in life is to be funny, I had to let it go.

And speaking of funny, here is a conversation had with Keem this weekend.

Scene: Laundry Room
Characters: Keem, Dana and Janitor Lady (JL)

Keem: Dana!
DM: Yes?
Keem: The random cat toys in my laundry cart have to stop!
JL: Bwahahaha!
DM: What? You're kidding.
Keem: No. No, I am not.
DM: But how does he get it into the laundry cart?
Keem: I have no idea.
DM: Weird.
Keem: Last time it was the white fluffy one that he loves. I found it after I washed the clothes so I had to throw it away.
DM: You threw away the white fluffy one? How could you? No wonder he's been so forlorn lately.

Yes. Apparently the cat toys are not clean enough for his majesty, Edmund. It's bad enough that he demands the fresh ice water and the cat treats mixed properly but now the toys have a specific cleanliness standard.

Oh, and this morning? He was so trying to scam extra wet food from Keem by looking all sad and neglected by his dish (I feed him the wet food in the morning, Keem feeds him when we come home). Plus, he eats better than us because he gets Fancy Feast Elegant Medleys. Dang Cat.

Puzzle Updates

Last weekend wasn't overly exciting. Keem and I did make a trip to JoAnn's where I bought some scrapbooking paper and other crafty things. We were going to do laundry but both of us hate doing laundry and will usually put it off until the very last minute. Because, you know, if you hate doing something, you should just wait until you have a ton of it to do. That makes sense.

Sunday Beth picked me up and we tried to decide what we were going to do. Beth called James and he said he would call us if he and Liz decided they were going to go out. Meanwhile, Beth drove around and we talked. We decided to head to her apartment and scrapbook.

However, once we got there, the plans changed a little bit. Beth was drawn to an area in her apartment. An area so filled with trepidation and danger that I was a bit frightened. Yes, it was the card table and on the card table was a gigantic puzzle that Beth had been working on for awhile. She had made a lot of progress since I had been over the weekend before.

Unable to help herself, Beth took to moving the puzzle pieces around while I decided to go scrapbook. And that's when things got a little weird.

Beth: I found a piece.
DM: That's good.

Later.

Beth: Do you know how many pieces I've found since my last puzzle update?
DM: No.
Beth: One. One piece.

Later.

Beth: That's it. I've had it. Pieces, you will arrange yourself. I'm closing my eyes.

I look over. She has her eyes scrunched shut similar to Hiro on Heroes when he is trying to teleport.

DM: If the pieces start flying around in the air, I am going to be really freaked out.
Beth: I am opening my eyes.

The pieces, oddly enough, resisted Beth's exhortions and just laid there on the table.

Beth: Damn you!

The rest of the night was filled with laughter and many puzzle updates. I believe there may have been a total of 15. There was also the occasional curse.

Beth: So what did you do Sunday night? I worked on a puzzle. Wow.
DM: We have such exciting lives.

Disclaimer: This took place last Sunday and I have a hard enough time remembering what people said 5 minutes ago. I may not have quoted us properly. Sorry about that.

And you know, somehow this post is not as exciting as I thought it was going to be. Maybe you had to be there but the frustration in Beth's voice was hilarious. You know what else is hilarious? The fact that she organizes her puzzles pieces in little stacks based on color. Instead of just leaving them scatter all about the place like I do. Although that might explain why she actually finished the puzzle and I have yet to finish more than the border of one. Hmm. I may have to try this stacking thing.

You still have an opportunity to hit me up for a present this Holiday season.

Oh, Udge is doing this and I am all about peer pressure and giving things to people so
the first five commenters to sign up for the meme here and post the same promise on their blogs will receive a small present-like thing from me. It will help jumpstart the holiday spirit for me. You will have to provide me with your real name and address but please keep in mind that I don't drive and so probably would not be able to stalk you. Unless I am able to convince the Greyhound bus driver to circle around your house obsessively. I think that's unlikely. I have
no idea what the small present-like thing will be but I must warn you, there is the chance you could receive a monkey sitting in a chair. I can be very strange. Just ask Beth.

Leave me a comment. And you know, I think I'm okay if you've already done this with someone else. I like to give presents.

Oh, and if you are wondering just exactly a monkey sitting in a chair looks like, click here. I maintain that it was a highly creative, non-boring gift. Beth maintains that I obviously go shopping while indulging in lots and lots of crack.*

*Beth has never said this. I like to exaggerate. I know you are all shocked at this.

I am slightly overwhelmed BUT! I bring you a meme

I just sat down with my new boss Cheryl (formerly my old boss Cheryl but new boss Cheryl left the department and then I got promoted and am working for old boss Cheryl again. Try to keep up, people) and the other QA monitor, co-worker Jessica, to discuss what my responsibilities will be with my brand new, exciting position. Apparently cloning myself is involved because the list of tasks that I have is, well, more than one person can do in a 40 hour work week. Which is why Jessica was telling us that she goes home and works for another two hours each night. Um, yikes.

I am sure that once I actually learn how to do all the tasks, I'll be able to calm down. And I am excited that I get to work on exciting projects, involving working with Excel and Word. This is good. I like both of these things. But for now, I'm unable to formulate sentences that actually make sense so I will not be telling you about my exciting weekend and Beth's puzzle updates*. That will have to wait for tomorrow.

*Don't you just love it when I leave you hanging like that? I know you are avidly waiting to know what this is all about.

Oh, Udge is doing this and I am all about peer pressure and giving things to people so the first five commenters to sign up for the meme here and post the same promise on their blogs will receive a small present-like thing from me. It will help jumpstart the holiday spirit for me. You will have to provide me with your real name and address but please keep in mind that I don't drive and so probably would not be able to stalk you. Unless I am able to convince the Greyhound bus driver to circle around your house obsessively. I think that's unlikely. I have no idea what the small present-like thing will be but I must warn you, there is the chance you could receive a monkey sitting in a chair. I can be very strange. Just ask Beth.

I cannot believe I never posted this - thank God I obsessively save everything I ever write in Word

This is from awhile ago, during Tax Season, to be exact. Ah, Tax Season. How I do not miss you, let me count the ways. One - you're really, really annoying. Two - I hate you. The End.

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 9:45 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Argh!

Make the calls stop!

From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 10:02 AM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Argh!

I would like to do so but unfortunately, your request cannot be completed because it is Tax Season, also known as Hell.

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 11:31 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Argh!

Make tax hell stop!

_____________________________________________
From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 11:33 AM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Argh!

Um, last I checked, I was not the Princess of Darkness so I can't. As Queen of the Universe, unfortunately, I do not have any dominion over the Underworld.

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 11:46 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Argh!

You are not the queen of the universe. Never have been, never will be. So, you don't have any control whatsoever! :P

From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 12:33 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Argh!

You are mean. You won't let me throw my Ninja Cranberries at you.*

*Ocean Spray has these awesome commercials where there’s an older guy and a younger guy standing in a cranberry bog. The younger guy is kind of goofy and, in my favorite commercial, says “I think Cranberries are the Ninjas of the Fruit World.” And then he does this high kick and makes a martial art sort of sound. Cracks me up every time. Keem had come over when I was eating some Craisins and I wanted to throw them at her and make a martial art sort of sound. I am partial to “Wa!”

_____________________________________________
From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 12:34 PM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Argh!

I repel your ninja requests. You are not Ninja, therefore, you are unable to repel the Ninja cranberries. Besides wiich*, an inanimate object cannot be animate. It is an Oxymoron. Part oxy, part moron….wonder where the moron part comes from….

*that is an actual typo. It is not as fun as "You are igonring me" in which I replied "I do not know what an igon ring is or how to to igonring someone. As for ignoring you, no, I was in a call." Igonring is now in our weird Dana/Keem vocabulary (in which Keem (Kim) is a part of. And wuter (water). And many other words that come and go, mainly created by me because I am weird. In case you didn't know that.
_____________________________________________
From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 1:31 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Argh!

Ha. Ha. Ha to your moron part. I am not trying to repel the Ninja cranberries. And, according to your statement here, if I am not Ninja, you are also not Ninja so therefore YOU can't repel the Ninja cranberries! Ha!

_____________________________________________
From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 1:36 PM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Argh!

What part in what I said states that I will repel the ninja cranberries using some sort of ninja move? I have a notebook. I can swat the ninja cranberries. You are reading more into what I said and it is not implied that I would use some sort of ninja tactic to repel said ninja cranberries. I am resourceful and do not need special ninja abilities to repel something unwanted. Ha!

_____________________________________________
From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 1:38 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Argh!

You said and I quote "I repel your ninja requests. You are not Ninja, therefore, you are unable to repel the Ninja cranberries." This indicates that you are repelling my Ninja requests. And that since I cannot repel the Ninja cranberries, therefore you cannot repel the Ninja Cranberries. It is simple logic.

_____________________________________________
From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 1:59 PM
To: DM
Subject: HA!*

I can repel them if I wish. I have a protective, invisible force field that allows me to repel the ninja cranberries and any thing else ninjaish. So there!

*Notice how she changed the subject line? We do that a lot. We have been known to change the subject line five or six times in one email conversation. Sometimes we just send emails with no text, just subject lines. I do believe I mentioned we were weird, right?

From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 2:40 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: HA!

How did you get the protective, invisible force field? I don't have a force field. I want one.

Mr. Calitri* is not a ninja so you can not repel him.

Oh, I was thinking you should name your chicken Eggs and your pig Ham. So you would have Ham and Eggs. Or Hamon. I kind of like Hamon.

*Mr. Calitri is my chicken. In order to irritate Keem, sometimes I will thrust him at her and tell her that he wants to kees (kiss (I like ee's)) and peck at her. She hates that. If you were wondering just what exactly Mr. Calitri looks like, you can check my profile picture. And read this post, because it will explain a little more the oddness that is me.

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 3:07 PM
To: DM
Subject: RE: HA!

I like Ham and Eggs. That's pretty good. I'll consider it.

From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 3:16 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: HA!

Oooh! To really change it up, you could name your pig Eggs and the chicken Ham! That would be funny.

Sarah named her fish Chicken*.

*She did. Can you believe the length my friends will do to keep up the chicken conspiracy?

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 3:23 PM
To: DM
Subject: RE: HA!

That's funny too. How about fish and chips? Or white meat and the other white meat… hee hee.

From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 3:24 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: HA!

I want you to know that I had to miss a call because I was laughing over white meat and the other white meat. That is hilarious.

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 3:23 PM
To: DM
Subject: RE: HA!

Yeah, well I almost busted a gut in the call because of your email pop up about laughing.


It is good to have this type of insanity to take place during Tax Hell. Hopefully I won't have to actually take calls this year. New promotion and all and yet there's still that chance that it might be required. Grr.

Why I adore flea

As you may or may not know, I am not a parent. There's a really good reason for this. Namely, I'm not a kid person. Don't get me wrong, I can admire children from a distance. I find my nephew to be the most incredibly wonderful child in the Universe (I am only slightly biased). I even enjoy what is referred to as a "mommy blog" on occasion (which actually really drives me crazy. I read certain blogs because they are entertaining and edifying and enjoyable. The fact that the blogger also happens to have children doesn't mean they should be lumped into one category. Because believe me when I tell you that all "mommy blogs" are not created equally. If you're to go under that assumption, I should be lumped into the "cat owner blog" category. Which, actually, kind of sums it up but only if you put insane in from of cat).

Anyway, I actually had a point. Here is what it is.

This morning I pulled up a post written by flea at One Good Thing. Seeing a post by flea on bloglines is always very exciting for me. She's an incredibly talented author and can make anything interesting, including, but not limited to, a long battle between her and the most evil light bulb ever known to mankind.

Today's post made me cry. I'd like to suggest that you read this post because I feel that what she did was heroic. It also makes me want to travel to the Chicago area and kick some ass. I'd like to suggest that you read it because otherwise the rest of this post will make absolutely no sense.

I know there are people like this is the world. I know that there are bad parents and personally, I think that everyone should have to take a test before they are allowed to have children. There's a reason why I have chosen to be child-free and that is because I know my limitations. I know that I am impatient and moody and kind of a bitch sometimes. I know that I can lose my temper easily when I am tired and that I can get cranky. So it makes me angry to hear about these people who obviously didn't think the whole child thing through. If you don't want children, don't have them. If you get pregnant by accident, for God's sake, give the baby up for adoption. There are so many good people out there who want kids.

I hope that these people come across the post flea wrote and it makes them realize how pathetic they are. Maybe they'll learn to treat their child with respect. Or maybe, just maybe the system will work and he'll find a home where he is valued.

Okay, have to go back to work now. Sorry for venting but I just couldn't let this go by without saying something.

I am on the mailing list from hell

I have one credit card and one loan. Somehow this has prompted mailings from roughly 5,000 different creditors who all want me to open up a credit card with them. Including the people I have a credit card with already. I do not need any more credit, people! I am not a responsible adult! My sister is in charge of my paycheck and I have to clear purchases with her. In effect, this means I have an allowance. Stop sending me these things!


Although I was really tempted by the Barnes and Noble credit card. Because books are pretty. But I have remained strong.


Also I made a donation to the World Wildlife Fund. Because animals are also pretty (and I love pandas). I am now getting hit up for every single bleeding heart animal organization that exists. I like animals. I like them a lot. But I can't save them all. And then today, today I checked the mail (only check it every few days) and there was the letter from the Sierra Club. Who wants me to stop the Bush organization from destroying the Giant Sequoia trees.


Trees? I love trees! I adore them! I hug them every chance I get! Way to apply to my weakness, people!


God, I am such a sap. Next thing you'll know there'll be a Save the Books organization.


4 down, 26 to go. I'll try to come up with something more exciting tomorrow.

Not exactly what she had in mind

So my sister called the other night and left a message for me.

Kari: Hi. I just wanted to let you know that there's a diabetes fair on such and such date and you can find out more information on their website.

I know she means well, I know that Liz and Beth and everyone who nags yells expresses concern in a very nice way means well. And I appreciate that. But I have a very interesting (read sarcastic) sense of humor and this was my response to the message.


DM: Ooh! A fair! Maybe they'll have cotton candy!*


I haven't told Kari this. I'm quite sure she will hit me. Beth laughed when I told her about it on Thursday night.


*I hate cotton candy, by the way. I do not understand the point of taking sugar and making it fluffy and pastel colored and then giving it to small children and then wondering why they are bouncing off the walls. Because they are children and you gave them SUGAR ON A STICK! What were you thinking? Plus I used to make cotton candy at one of the most horrible jobs ever and I hate the smell of burnt sugar.


Day 3. It's a miracle. It really helps that this year I have computer access at home.

The weekend update - updated!

Can't come up with a creative title. This is very sad. I tried to find other creative church signs to use as a title but I kept running into the church sign generator which, while funny, is not what I was looking for.

Day 2 of NoBloPoMo. And the continuation of my weekend o'scrapbooking. I sense your excitement.

Sunday Beth and I went to her Dad's house for dinner. We enjoyed pizza and cheesecake (her's was topped with a birthday candle). We also watched several episodes of Law & Order and CSI:.

DM (about some guy (McCoy?) on Law & Order): That guy has very unfortunate eyebrows (they were horrible! They were almost squarish).

After this we met up with Dean and James at Brady's.

DM: I don't think I've ever been to Brady's.
Beth (laughing): Yes, you have.
DM: Oh. Is that where...?
Beth: Yep.
DM: Maybe I'll have to fake another asthma attack*.

*Background - back a long time ago, Beth and I ended up at Brady's to meet this guy that she really, really liked. Instead, we found Pete, his annoying friend. Pete makes no mention of the fact that THE BOY had to work early the next morning. He does proceed to hit on Beth all night. Because I hate to see my friend suffer, I decided to fake an asthma attack. Details are here. I still think I should win an Oscar for that performance.

Apparently the boy is there (In case you're wondering, he has been demoted in Beth's affections and that is why the font of his fake name has changed. They never did end up going out and Beth realized that he really wasn't the right guy for her). I do not notice him. I do see Pete later on in the evening and manage to avoid eye contact.

Dean and James arrive (do not refer to them as James and Dean. They hate that) and we spend some time talking about stuff, the usual stuff we always talk about. Which means everything and anything. There is also time spent by my telling James that I did not like him and especially do not like him (I wanted to say "the fact that you are scruffy and that makes me want to bite you" but refrained). I'm not sure why I was mad at him but it's James and he can be so irritating at times. It was probably when he got upset at me for saying that I thought Halle Berry was a good actress. Beth and Dean decided to hightail it for the bathroom then. This is the problem of being friends with a man who takes movies so seriously. He often gets upset over what I deem a good movie. We occasionally agree but a lot of time is spent with me saying "Oh, I liked that movie" and him saying such things as "No, you did not" or "Really? Really? You did not say that" or "Perhaps you should never talk again."

Dean brings up the fact that he doesn't like scary movies and I mentioned that I was frightened by Scary Movie 3. Dean and James are highly amused by this. Beth is already aware of it. We tell them about the time we went to Vegas and stayed at the Luxor and watched this movie. And then I had nightmares. And then, the next morning, there was this scary, scraping noise on the windows.

DM: And it was awful! There was this scraping and then this filmy shadow and I was afraid of opening the window, especially because there was sunlight out there!
James: Why would you be afraid of opening the window?
DM: Because I was worried Beth would burst into flames.
Dean: Hahahahaha! Give me some.

He makes me do that weird bumps thing that I've never really understood.

DM: The only reason I know that Beth is not a vampire is because she eats garlic*.

*Well, I've never actually see her drain the blood of a human either but you never know...she was enthusiastic about seeing what her blood sugar level was this weekend. And couldn't believe that it took me forever to get up the nerve to poke myself.

We got to spend quality time in "the kennel." Since stupid people decided that smoking was bad and you can't do it indoors anymore, all smoking has to be outside. Dean and Beth were willing to join James and I outside so we could infect them with second hand smoke. They're cool like that. Brady's has rigged up this dog cage with heat lamps. It's actually kind of cool looking and it is comfortable, there are tables and chairs outside (of course they are metal so I imagine this will get pretty cold in a month or so). You can still smoke at casinos but that really could have a negative impact on my wallet so don't think that's going to be an option.

Monday, we went back to Beth's mom's house where we ate the best sloppy joes ever and watched Heroes. Finally Hiro kissed what's her name. About time.

While watching, Mohinder's boss came on the screen. Bob is kind of a schlumpy guy with a receding hairline.

DM: Unfortunately sometimes evil is not hot.
Beth: True.
DM (to Beth's mom who is looking perplexed): I have a thing for bad guys. Usually they're the most attractive*.

*Case in point - Sam Rockwell in Charlie's Angels. When he was the nice, kind of nerdy computer guy, I had absolutely no interest in him. The minute it was revealed that he was the evil mastermind and did that hot little spin while wearing the sunglasses, I was totally intrigued.

Afterwards, Beth drove me home and I tried to sneak into the apartment but Eddy made that very difficult with his trying to climb into the IKEA bag and my suitcase. Keem was not pleased to be woken up.

And that is it. The excitement of my weekend. I know you are all totally thrilled by this.

Don't take life so seriously. No one gets out alive anyway.

This is from a church sign Beth and I saw. A church sign. How awesome is that?

Today is day 1 of NaBloPoMo. Mainly what this means is that I am insane and decided to post every day this month. Every single day. Yes, I gave into peer pressure. Okay, no one actually pressured me but there were shiny banners and I succumbed to temptation.

Anyway, my weekend was awesome. I use the word awesome a lot. You may notice this. Do you know why that is? Because I grew up during the eighties and adore Barney on How I Met Your Mother. He uses the word awesome often. He also refers to things as being legendary but I'm trying to resist that one. Beth picks up mannerisms from our friends. I quote television. Sometimes I quote television shows that haven't been on for years. Such as Star Trek: TNG. It's very sad.

Beth picked me up Friday and we went to Minneapolis to the Best! Restaurant! Ever! I did have the Bludgeon of Beef. I also stole from the restaurant. I am so ashamed. For some reason I decided that I absolutely had to have the mini Coke and Diet Coke bottle that Beth and my refreshing beverages were served in. I am using them as small vases for my fake Gerbera daisies. They are quite cute, actually.

Beth (and Liz at one point (as I am sneaking the empty bottle into my purse)): Dana, I'm pretty sure you don't have to steal them. I'm sure they just recycle them.
DM: It's more fun this way.

I may not have actually said that but I was thinking it. And yes, I am a dork.

After Manny's, we went over to Beth's mom's house for a little while. Neither Beth or I are quite sure why but we did get to pet the dogs and cats and chat with her mom. Then it was off to Beth's for the begin of the exciting weekend o'scrapbooking.

Some notes about scrapbooking, for those of you not in the know. What you do is you take pictures and then apply them to albums. But not photo albums because those will ruin your pictures. No, you apply them to special albums which are archival safe. And you also can use stickers and embellishments and lots of other cool stuff to make your pictures look awesome and tell a story.

Do you know what the most important part of scrapbooking is? The pictures. And yet, I do not have any developed. I'm working on my Portugal album (note that I went to Portugal in 2005 and it is now 2007. Almost 2008). Not having pictures makes this a little difficult. But I did make some pages. They're pretty cool looking. They would probably look better with pictures.

Saturday Beth and I decided that we needed to go through a rite of passage that every one must experience at least once in their life. We went to IKEA. Beth needed frames (because she develops her pictures) and I had heard of the wonders of IKEA from Keem so we journeyed to Bloomington or wherever the Mall of America is located.

IKEA is roughly the same size of a small air terminal. And it is filled with stuff. Glorious stuff. Inexpensive stuff. Stuff as far as the eyes can see. This was probably the most fun I have ever had in a store in a long time (I worked 10 years in retail. In a mall. At Christmas time. I don't really like shopping that much. It stems with that whole not really liking people. Shopping is great but unfortunately you have to share the store with other people. That's annoying). We're not really sure how long we were there. It was sunny when we went in and dark when we left. They have these really cool shopping carts that have wheels that spin in all directions so the cart smoothly turns the way you want it to go, instead of locking its wheels and laughing as you try to push it along. It almost felt like I was dancing.

Later on, of course, when Beth and I were in IKEA overload and laughing at the silliest things, we began to feel that we were drunk. The cart helped to encourage that thought. When you find yourself spinning around in circles in the middle of a store, there is probably some sort of drug involved. Maybe they put something in the Swedish meatballs.

Eventually we found the sign for the checkout and headed that way, only to be confronted by a gigantic warehouse. And, fortunately, a bench.

Beth: How long are we going to sit here?
DM: Until my feet stop hurting. So maybe next year.

I bought several frames and a lamp and some other stuff. Beth also bought stuff. Stuff is good.

More on my exciting weekend tomorrow! I know you can hardly wait!