The oddness of the Keem

So Keem is telling me this morning about this odd dream she had. Long story short, she and Patrick Dempsey are wandering through this old building. Now I can think of worse things to dream about than spending time with Patrick Dempsey (had a serious crush on him after "Can't Buy Me Love") so I expect that this will be an interesting glimpse into my roommate's psyche.

And boy howdy, it is.

Apparently the old building is filled with lions and sharks. Together. Living in harmony.

DM: Are they land sharks?

Apparently not. Nor is the building filled with water. But the sharks are getting around somehow and they are hungry. So are the lions.

Keem: So I run off and leave Patrick Dempsey...
DM: Wait. You left him behind?
Keem: Yes.
DM: What happened?
Keem: The lions and sharks got him.
DM: You didn't go save him?
Keem: I'm not going into a room with lions and sharks!
DM: You let Patrick Dempsey die. I can't believe you let him die. That's so mean.
Keem: It was more of a "Save yourself" situation so I did.

After that, the dream turned into some weird thing where there was a fake T. Rex wandering around trying to kill Keem and one of our co-workers showed up and distracted the dinosaur with something shiny.

The dream reminded me of Saturday Night Live when it was funny and the Land Shark skit. I miss that skit. Let's see if it is on YouTube. I couldn't find it but I did find it here in case you need reminding of the greatness of the Land Shark.

Everyone wants to be me

I live in a whirlwind of excitement. Here's why:

• So we come home from work and Keem is refilling the treat bag (gallon size Glad bag that we pour a variety of crunchy treats into so it is mixed properly for Eddy (he's spoiled. We admit it). Kalli is circling around Keem's ankles, trying her best to convince us that she is starving and no one feeds her and she has to scramble for crumbs because we are so mean and cruel to her. And then she leaps! And grabs on to Keem's shorts for dear life, her back claws digging into Keem's leg. The next thing I know, Kalli is hanging straight down, her front paws holding on to Keem's shirt. Keem is saying "Ow, ow, ow! Cat! Ow!" And I am in the kitchen, watching all of this. Do I run into the living room to save Keem? No. I am laughing hysterically and wishing I had my camera handy.
• Kalli discovered how to get on top of the Entertainment Center last night. But she does not know how to get down and sits there and mews. So I rescued her. And about 15 minutes later, when I am in bed, sleeping like a normal person, I hear a crash. She has knocked over the shelf the VHS tapes are on (eventually we will get rid of them. It's not like we have hooked up the VCR in this apartment) and is back on the Entertainment Center. Still hasn't figured how to get down. I rescuse her again. Hmm. Perhaps I should move the small table she's using to leap up onto the DVD rack and from there the Entertainment Center. That would be smart.
• Keem just opened a box from Swiss Colony and is singing "I've got a box of mixed nuts, diddly dee" (to the tune of "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts", in case you were confused). Hee!
• If you thought getting the Despair.com catalog was the highlight of my month, you would be wrong. Clearly it was the Mustard Museum newsletter. Featuring a picture of the owner dressed as Edward Splatterhands. Wish I which I could find on their website because it is seriously funny and would creep out James (the guy's hands are dripping with mustard).

Who needs depressing poetry written at the height of my angsty years when you have all of this, right? My life is so full.

• Oh, and also, when my mom asked me if I was still taking Meridia and if it worked, I said no, my prescription ran out and it worked when I remembered to take it. Her response? "Oh, Dana, you're a big girl." Um, yeah, that's why I was taking a diet aid! I know that's not how she meant it but still, work on the phrasing there, mother.

Perhaps I am insane

Or I'm not hearing things and the piped in music in the Ramada Inn lobby is actually some jazzy version of "The Little Drummer Boy."

Seriously. I just had to check the date. It is May 7th. Christmas is not for many, many months. Who plays Christmas music in May?

And then, I swear to all that is Holy (such as the night), it then turned into this jazzy rendition of "At Last." WTF? Are you kidding me? Not that it wasn't good but it was a duet. Very strange.

I also got to hear a conversation between some English guy and the male clerk at the front desk about how the English guy usually scores pretty well because he's English. Apparently we foolish American women are turned on by an accent and overlook the fact that he a) is married and b) seems to have no personality. Apparently both he and male clerk are on their 3rd wives. Male clerk looks to be about 35. Also, English guy got married for the 1st time when he was 16. Apparently that's legal in England.

In case you are wondering, the lobby has computers with free internet so I can catch up on my blogs and email. And eavesdrop on interesting conversations between the clerk and random people. The Ramada Inn, by the way, features a Belgium waffle breakfast. I've heard that approximately 6 times. I have also heard "Rockin' Robin" and "Little Bitty Pretty One" twice within the last hour so apparently the music played here is odder than I thought.

The vacation is going well. On Friday Keem and I went to the zoo (the Minnesota Zoo, it's bigger than the Como Zoo in Saint Paul but the Como Zoo will always be my favorite) and the worst Mexican restaurant in the world (Tequila's in LaCrosse with Keem's mom Kathy and her niece Kylee (a mini version of Keem - silly and sarcastic. At the age of 9. I thought sarcasm wasn't something you learned until you were a teenager)).

We spent two nights in LaCrosse and went to visit my favorite store in the world, Shopko. I don't know why Shopko is my favorite. I have loved it ever since I lived in Madison, many, many years ago. Perhaps because it was cheap but also had cool stuff. Saturday, Keem, Kathy and I drove to Marquette, Iowa to the Isle of Capri (a river boat casino. Not as exciting as I thought but I did manage to walk out with money left in my pocket and only lost 5 dollars. In my book, that counts as winning). The drive was very pretty and I have many pictures.

Keem, Kathy and I drove to Wisconsin Dells on Sunday (after I called my sister and wished her a happy Mother's Day. And then everyone laughed at me because apparently Mother's Day is this Sunday, not last Sunday). We stayed at the Ho-Chunk Casino because Keem and I stayed there last year and enjoyed it. The hotel is very nice. We decided to only stay there for two days because it is expensive and also, the temptation to gamble is removed if you're not actually staying in the casino.

On Monday, we took the upper Dells boat trip. Very fun, would have been better if not for the two screaming little girls that sat in front of us. Apparently they were tired, which you would think the parents would notice before taking the kids on a two hour boat ride. After awhile, you could just turn them out and they did stop the screaming for most of the trip. Their older brother was a perfect angel during the entire trip and amused me greatly when he turned to his dad and asked "Can't we just throw them off the boat?" His dad responded with "I think I'm going to jump off the boat."

Keem and I got rather sunburned so we decided to take another boat trip the other day and compound the sunburn. This was on the lower Dells and was only an hour.

Today was kind of rainy. Kathy left earlier this morning and it is now just Keem and I. So we decided to go to the movies. We saw "Made of Honor" with Patrick Dempsey (I've liked him ever since "Can't Buy Me Love" and "Lover Boy" and that other one he was in where he was a pizza delivery boy who began to supplement his income by providing other services besides pizza (can't remember the name, too tired to go to IMDB) and "Iron Man" with Robert Downey Jr.

Liked them both. For different reasons, of course. "Made of Honor" was cute, funny and had some gorgeous scenery (parts of it is filmed in the UK). "Iron Man" had things that blew up, an awesome plane chase and Robert Downey Jr.

Tomorrow we are off to Mount Horeb for the second annual visit to the Mustard Museum. So looking forward to that. NPW, not sure if they have post cards but if they do, you will receive one. If not, I'll find another one for you somewhere.

Pictures when we get home. Have a great week, guys!

I cannot believe I never posted this - thank God I obsessively save everything I ever write in Word

This is from awhile ago, during Tax Season, to be exact. Ah, Tax Season. How I do not miss you, let me count the ways. One - you're really, really annoying. Two - I hate you. The End.

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 9:45 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Argh!

Make the calls stop!

From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 10:02 AM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Argh!

I would like to do so but unfortunately, your request cannot be completed because it is Tax Season, also known as Hell.

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 11:31 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Argh!

Make tax hell stop!

_____________________________________________
From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 11:33 AM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Argh!

Um, last I checked, I was not the Princess of Darkness so I can't. As Queen of the Universe, unfortunately, I do not have any dominion over the Underworld.

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 11:46 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Argh!

You are not the queen of the universe. Never have been, never will be. So, you don't have any control whatsoever! :P

From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 12:33 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Argh!

You are mean. You won't let me throw my Ninja Cranberries at you.*

*Ocean Spray has these awesome commercials where there’s an older guy and a younger guy standing in a cranberry bog. The younger guy is kind of goofy and, in my favorite commercial, says “I think Cranberries are the Ninjas of the Fruit World.” And then he does this high kick and makes a martial art sort of sound. Cracks me up every time. Keem had come over when I was eating some Craisins and I wanted to throw them at her and make a martial art sort of sound. I am partial to “Wa!”

_____________________________________________
From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 12:34 PM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Argh!

I repel your ninja requests. You are not Ninja, therefore, you are unable to repel the Ninja cranberries. Besides wiich*, an inanimate object cannot be animate. It is an Oxymoron. Part oxy, part moron….wonder where the moron part comes from….

*that is an actual typo. It is not as fun as "You are igonring me" in which I replied "I do not know what an igon ring is or how to to igonring someone. As for ignoring you, no, I was in a call." Igonring is now in our weird Dana/Keem vocabulary (in which Keem (Kim) is a part of. And wuter (water). And many other words that come and go, mainly created by me because I am weird. In case you didn't know that.
_____________________________________________
From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 1:31 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Argh!

Ha. Ha. Ha to your moron part. I am not trying to repel the Ninja cranberries. And, according to your statement here, if I am not Ninja, you are also not Ninja so therefore YOU can't repel the Ninja cranberries! Ha!

_____________________________________________
From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 1:36 PM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Argh!

What part in what I said states that I will repel the ninja cranberries using some sort of ninja move? I have a notebook. I can swat the ninja cranberries. You are reading more into what I said and it is not implied that I would use some sort of ninja tactic to repel said ninja cranberries. I am resourceful and do not need special ninja abilities to repel something unwanted. Ha!

_____________________________________________
From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 1:38 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Argh!

You said and I quote "I repel your ninja requests. You are not Ninja, therefore, you are unable to repel the Ninja cranberries." This indicates that you are repelling my Ninja requests. And that since I cannot repel the Ninja cranberries, therefore you cannot repel the Ninja Cranberries. It is simple logic.

_____________________________________________
From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 1:59 PM
To: DM
Subject: HA!*

I can repel them if I wish. I have a protective, invisible force field that allows me to repel the ninja cranberries and any thing else ninjaish. So there!

*Notice how she changed the subject line? We do that a lot. We have been known to change the subject line five or six times in one email conversation. Sometimes we just send emails with no text, just subject lines. I do believe I mentioned we were weird, right?

From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 2:40 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: HA!

How did you get the protective, invisible force field? I don't have a force field. I want one.

Mr. Calitri* is not a ninja so you can not repel him.

Oh, I was thinking you should name your chicken Eggs and your pig Ham. So you would have Ham and Eggs. Or Hamon. I kind of like Hamon.

*Mr. Calitri is my chicken. In order to irritate Keem, sometimes I will thrust him at her and tell her that he wants to kees (kiss (I like ee's)) and peck at her. She hates that. If you were wondering just what exactly Mr. Calitri looks like, you can check my profile picture. And read this post, because it will explain a little more the oddness that is me.

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 3:07 PM
To: DM
Subject: RE: HA!

I like Ham and Eggs. That's pretty good. I'll consider it.

From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 3:16 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: HA!

Oooh! To really change it up, you could name your pig Eggs and the chicken Ham! That would be funny.

Sarah named her fish Chicken*.

*She did. Can you believe the length my friends will do to keep up the chicken conspiracy?

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 3:23 PM
To: DM
Subject: RE: HA!

That's funny too. How about fish and chips? Or white meat and the other white meat… hee hee.

From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 3:24 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: HA!

I want you to know that I had to miss a call because I was laughing over white meat and the other white meat. That is hilarious.

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 3:23 PM
To: DM
Subject: RE: HA!

Yeah, well I almost busted a gut in the call because of your email pop up about laughing.


It is good to have this type of insanity to take place during Tax Hell. Hopefully I won't have to actually take calls this year. New promotion and all and yet there's still that chance that it might be required. Grr.

I've been kind of cranky lately...

_____________________________________________
From: DM
Sent: Wednesday, July 25, 2007 9:01 AM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Are you going to be done at 3:30? Because there's no rush if you won't be. I'm willing to be understanding and caring.

Will you remind me to take my Effexor to work tomorrow? I think the only thing that will remind me to take them is the actual reminder for Outlook. I am cranky today and I think you're right; it is probably lack of happy pills.


_____________________________________________
From: Keem
Sent: Wednesday, July 25, 2007 9:16 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Are you going to be done at 3:30? Because there's no rush if you won't be. I'm willing to be understanding and caring.

I will try. Why don't you just take them at night with your other meds? I thought you had them by each other.


_____________________________________________
From: DM
Sent: Wednesday, July 25, 2007 9:24 AM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Are you going to be done at 3:30? Because there's no rush if you won't be. I'm willing to be understanding and caring.

I do. And I look at them and then I don't take them because I am a dork. I don't know why I don't take them.

_____________________________________________
From: Keem
Sent: Wednesday, July 25, 2007 9:50 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Are you going to be done at 3:30? Because there's no rush if you won't be. I'm willing to be understanding and caring.

You can't blame anyone but yourself for not taking them and being irritable. You know that this happens if you don't take them.

_____________________________________________
From: DM
Sent: Wednesday, July 25, 2007 9:50 AM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Are you going to be done at 3:30? Because there's no rush if you won't be. I'm willing to be understanding and caring.

I'm not blaming anyone else. I know this happens.

*Thinks of really sarcastic thing to say. Decides snapping at Keem will not help matters at all. Writes something completely different.*

That's why I said I am a dork.

_____________________________________________
From: Keem
Sent: Wednesday, July 25, 2007 9:51 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Are you going to be done at 3:30? Because there's no rush if you won't be. I'm willing to be understanding and caring.

I know, but it's my duty to lecture you. I took an oath. :)

_____________________________________________
From: DM
Sent: Wednesday, July 25, 2007 9:51 AM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Are you going to be done at 3:30? Because there's no rush if you won't be. I'm willing to be understanding and caring.

You did not! Liar! You're silly.


_____________________________________________
From: Keem
Sent: Wednesday, July 25, 2007 9:52 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Are you going to be done at 3:30? Because there's no rush if you won't be. I'm willing to be understanding and caring.

I did. I took it the day before we moved in together. You weren't there. I had to get all dressed up and go down to the court house and everything. :)


_____________________________________________
From: DM
Sent: Wednesday, July 25, 2007 9:53 AM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Are you going to be done at 3:30? Because there's no rush if you won't be. I'm willing to be understanding and caring.

Really? I wonder why I wasn't invited to witness it.



_____________________________________________
From: Keem
Sent: Wednesday, July 25, 2007 10:04 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Are you going to be done at 3:30? Because there's no rush if you won't be. I'm willing to be understanding and caring.

I don't know. You missed the party with cake and everything. I worked long and hard to be able to take that oath... I'm sure I have pictures somewhere...


_____________________________________________
From: DM
Sent: Wednesday, July 25, 2007 10:05 AM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Are you going to be done at 3:30? Because there's no rush if you won't be. I'm willing to be understanding and caring.

Oh, my God. You are so awesome. You have completely ruined the crankiness mood and he has run and hid. Thanks!

*******

It is nice to have a Keem to help with the crankiness. I hope you are all well. I'm trying to get around to sites but I'm so busy at work. And I am taking my pills now.

Pictures. And other things.

Last Thursday, Beth, James and I are exchanging cell phone numbers (because, oops, forgot to share. I am a bad friend).

James: Ready?
DM: No. Give me a second. Okay.
James: (612)
DM: Yeah.
James: 867
DM: Uh-huh.
James: 5309.
DM: That is NOT your phone number. Asshole.
James: Dissolves into hysterical laughter.

Am I a bad person because the advertisement for the magazine Positive Thinking in my mail box made me roll my eyes and say "Oh, please"? I have come to the decision that I might be a tad cynical. And it is very hard to explain to Beth and Keem that, while I don't like people, it doesn't mean that I don't like them (Beth's response to "you're not people" was "Oh, great. I'm an alien"). I think it is that I don't like people in groups. Such as the bar. If it was up to me, only select people would be allowed. Scottish Craig is not one of them. I ask you, if you have a sunken chest, why do you try to show it off by wearing tight t-shirts? And who the hell shows up wearing a flak jacket and a tan bandana? Is he Rambo? Is he the Scottish Army (of one)? Is he just an annoying, annoying man who I want to dress up in a deer costume and dump him in the woods on the first day of deer hunting?* Or am I a bitch? It could be both, I guess.

*This is because he has a tattoo that is a deer through a gun sight. I think it would be a fitting punishment. As Beth said "It could be Bambi's Dad. Or Bambi. Thumper couldn't save him." Do not get me started on Disney movies which make me cry. Poor Bambi's Dad. Poor Tod's Mom. Stupid Disney. Nobody's family could actually stay together, could they? No, we have to have everyone die. There's a reason Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie. Her parents don't die, they just go to sleep. And yeah, there's this really scary dragon but Maleficent is my favorite Disney villian so I'm okay with that.

You will be happy to know that Co-Worker Eric asked his girlfriend Crystal to marry him and she said yes. Co-Worker Eric is actually quite bouncy and chirpy (Which may be my way of saying chipper and perky) today and it is quite pleasant to see. See! I can be positive! I'm not always negative.

I decided to apply for another job today at NABABNA. It is working more directly with different stock companies and helping them and the people they refer to us. I think I would enjoy it, there is admin work involved and I love stuff like that. I don't know if I'll get the position but it would certainly solve the problem of Keem and I applying for the same job. Wish me luck.

Anyway, Beth, Keem and I went to the Como Park Conservatory on Friday and then Beth and I went to Minnehaha Falls on Sunday. Here are some of my favorite pictures. And yes, I am a big fan of the saturate button. What's your point?



These are lillies. I like them.



I don't know why I like taking pictures of benches when they are empty. I think it is because they look like they are waiting for someone to come spend time with them. I think one of my favorite scenes in Notting Hill is Hugh Grant reading with a pregnant Julia Roberts lying with her head in his lap on the bench. I think the bench was happy to have them there. Is that weird? That's probably weird.



There were no actual poisonous frogs at the zoo. I was disappointed.



Look. The miniature killer is Japanese.



Flamingo flowers. I like flamingos. They are pink.



This is a completely awesome picture. I love, love, love Zoe and her ability to capture a moment like this (Zoe is my camera's name. I do believe I already said I was weird, right?), where the water is frozen in time.



Flamingos. They are walking. Birds do that. AND! They are pink.



When taking pictures inside, it is important to switch the camera mode from landscape to portrait. Or the picture of your former cat will look somewhat yellowish. Bet you wish you had a cat that plays Trivial Pursuit, don't you?



On our way to Minnehaha Falls, we drove by an owl in the road. Coolness.



I love water. I especially love waterfalls. And lakes. And oceans. And, well, rivers. Um, yeah, I love water. Anyway, this is at Minnehaha Falls.

I'm back!

Hello! Did you miss me? Of course you did.

Well, the first order of business is the question everyone at work has been asking:

Where did Keem and I go for vacation?

The answer is we hit every touristy spot we'd ever wanted to go to or had ever heard about or kind of stumbled onto as we were driving to another one.

We did go to Wisconsin but I, not being very organized, left my cell phone with Melissa's phone number in it on the desk. Brilliant, huh? Every time I saw an exit sign for Fond du Lac I would cringe a little.

We went to:

The House on the Rock (bring good walking shoes. And someone to carry you. We spent 4 1/2 hours walking. By the end, we were thinking "Oh, hey, that's a really cool item. Is this tour over yet?"

Little Norway (People moved to Wisconsin from Norway. Apparently they missed Norway. It was cool to look at all the stuff. More walking though. My thighs haven't seen this much action in years. They were not pleased)

The Mount Horeb Mustard Museum (which James was less than thrilled to hear about since he hates all condiments but mustard is his kryptonite, apparently (I bought a t-shirt that says "Friends don't let friend eat k*t*h*p." Awesome. I almost bought the one with the Plochman's mustard bottle (Plochman's, for those of you not in the know, is the best yellow mustard ever. French comes second) that said "Squeeze Me.")

The Jelly Belly Factory Tour (thank God this was on a train. And we got free Jelly Belly beans. Jelly Belly beans are the only Jelly Beans I will eat, other than licorice flavored.

The Milwaukee Zoo (very cool, very big. Once we hit the sea lions/polar bear exhibit, I said "Screw it. Let's go take the train. The train was fun. I have lots of pictures from the train (I also have a sunburn. Not bad but hello, the sunscreen was sitting right by the door. You'd think one of us would remember to grab it))

The Original Wisconsin Ducks ride (been on it once before but Keem hadn't. I recommend to everyone).

The Dells Mining Company (you get to mine for your own gemstones. It's an excuse to play in mud. This was a lot of fun. I want a rock tumbler now).

We also spent some time in with Keem's parents in La Crosse. There was also time spent in motel/hotel rooms watching TV/reading and cursing the pain from the excessive walking. Anyway, believe me when I say there will be pictures. And I will also be around to see what you have all been up to as well.

Did you miss me? I missed you...

All my bags are packed and I'm ready to go

Except that my bags aren't packed yet and I have no idea where I'm going.

So Keem and I have been planning to go see Jeff (former roommate) for months. Since he moved out last year. We actually made the request for time off in January, barely minutes after they said "Hey, you can request your time off for the year." My vacation starts officially at 3:30 PM Thursday, May 3rd.

At this point, Keem and I do not know where we are going. We have been waiting to hear from Jeff about when the best time would be to see him in Colorado (we figured we'd drive around the Denver area on the days he was working and spend quality time with him when he wasn't) but at last notice, something was going on and he was up in the air as to when that best time would be. Today is, as you may have noticed, April 30th. Something tells me we're not going to Denver, Toto.

Our thoughts are this. We're driving. Somewhere. We don't know where. Thoughts include Duluth. Itasca State Park (because I really want to walk across the Mississippi River again (the last time I was 7 or 8 or somewhere around there) that is somewhere up in North Minnesota. Brainerd. Madison. Milwaukee. Ann Arbor (mainly because Keem said there was a planetarium and I like planets. But Liz said we shouldn't go there and we should go to Chicago with Beth next year).

Pretty much I think we're going to get into the car and find a major highway and say "left or right" and then go either left or right.

I think Duluth and Madison/Milwaukee are our two main stops. I want to go to Ella's Deli again. My boyfriend Dave (when I was living in Madison, people, this is not a new development) took me there once and I loved the place. Of course. It was bright and shiny and there is a carousel. Plus the best tuna fish/cream cheese on a bagel sandwich I have ever had in my life.

We come back on May 12th or 13th. Beth is less than pleased with me because I am going to be missing 3 nights of karaoke. I'm also not going to be blogging unless we come across a place that has computers. I won't even be reading blogs. I'm not sure how I'm going to survive this separation from all of you but hey, I'll be on the road, with one of my best friends, driving her insane. Examples of things that will drive Keem insane:

• Are we there yet?
• Um, I have to go to the bathroom and you just passed the last rest stop for 40 miles.
• ZZZZZZZZZ (that would be me snoring because I fell asleep).
• Ooh! Let's go there (this will be followed by Keem saying "What is there? Where is it?" and I will say "I don't know. It just looked like fun.")
• Can I drive?
• I'm bored. You never let me do anything fun (in response to the above bullet point).

Expect lots of pictures when I get back.

Oh, for Teri, who seems to have thought I have forgotten about the whole Craig/James love thing.

Craig has a thing for Beth. Beth does not return his affections. This is a good thing because if she did, I think I would have to hit her. James likes to mock Craig because it is fun.

Anyway, a couple of Sundays ago, Craig got up to sing some song. It doesn't really matter what it was. But James, being the smart ass that we love and adore, had to, well, be a smart ass.

J: What are you going to sing to me, Craig?
C: Nothing! And don't you be writing me notes like a love struck teenager!

I grab my notebook and start writing the following (picture will follow eventually).

Dear Craig,

I love you like a love struck teenager.

Love,

Then I handed it to James and told him to sign it. After much arguing, he did (James: What? DM: Sign it. James: Okay).

I flung the paper down to where Craig was sitting and John* (who was sitting between Beth and Craig, much to her relief) put it on top of his stuff.

*John, by the way, is this guy that I had a slight, tiny, little crush on, mainly because he is smart and doesn’t creep me out the way that Craig does, even though he is kind of lumpy looking and has an unfortunate hair cut. He also is gay, something I thankfully found out before I embarrassed myself completely by getting drunk some night and comparing him to the Flash.

DM: John’s gay.
B: Yep.
DM: He's more fun to talk to now that we know he's gay.
B: Yeah. Because we can talk to him about boys.
DM: I know!*

*You'll all be happy to know that, while Keanu Reeves acting skills were called into question, the opinion is that, as long as he takes off his shirt, none of us care. This is about when Craig said "Oh my God, shut up about men already!" He was probably jealous because he does not look like Keanu Reeves, David Duchovny or whatever other guys we were discussing.

Craig comes back, sits down and sees the note.

C: What's this?
John: Looks like a love note.
C: Did you put him up to this?

He is looking in my direction.

DM: Hee hee hee hee hee (this would be me dissolving into giggles).

Well, none of us can leave it there, of course. James keeps asking Craig about their "love." Craig tells him to do something in some sort of slang that may or may not be English but none of us know that because we live in America and so does Craig for the last TWENTY YEARS! And besides, he claims to be Scottish so perhaps he should be using Scottish slang instead of English slang that might have been popular in the Fifties.

I console James because his love has been rejected. Craig is about ready to hit us all. With the stupid baton/beating stick thing he carries around. Apparently to prove he's a man, I guess.

John grabs the note and writes XXXOOOXXX on it.

John: If I had red lipstick right now, I would kiss this.
DM: Ooh! I have lipstick. It's not red but it'll work.

I slather my lipstick on (I was hoping John would do the lipstick but no, he didn't. Of course I had to. The sacrifices I make for good blogging material) and plant a big kiss on the paper. Then I grab the perfume roll-on I am carrying around for some reason* and wheel the applicator across the paper.

*I don't typically wear makeup or perfume but I will buy it. I figure I am girly enough to like buying it but not girly enough to go through the hassle of putting the stuff on.

DM: There. Now it's scented. Scented with James's love.

This made Liz laugh. That is akin with making Bryan tell me I did a good job singing. While Liz laughs at me alot, this was really the first time it was "Hey, that was damn funny" instead of "Oh my God, you're such a freak, I am laughing to keep you from stabbing me." I can tell the difference between her laughs*.

*Okay, sometimes she does this "Heh" sound which is "You have amused me." This was the first time that it was full laugh. Don't ask. I'm weird. You should have figured this out already.

Later on, after the laughter about the love letter has passed, John is telling us about the car accident he was in.

John: And then I was in a car accident and the fire department was the first to arrive and...
Liz: You were in a car accident? Was anyone hurt?
DM (at the same time as Liz): There was a fireman? Was he cute?
John (to Liz): No, I'm fine. No one else was hurt.
John (to DM): Yes. Very.
DM: Did you get his phone number?
John: No.
DM: Why not? I have to live vicariously through someone since the whole Craig/James thing doesn't seem to be working out.*

I am easily amused

Hello! I am feeling much better but have come to the conclusion that Keem can never go out of town again. If she wasn't returning today, I would be worried that I might starve to death. How is it possible to own as much Hamburger Helper as we do and not have any hamburger? Where are the cans of soup? Shouldn't there be soup? Good Lord, how much Ramen noodles did I think I would need (although that was lunch yesterday so good call there)? I actually ended up spending yesterday at home so I am not sure if the latest fiasco was due to poor nutrition choices or the stomach flu. Doesn't really matter, actually, what I do know is that throwing up is not fun. Never really been a fan of it.

Last night, doing my laundry at the very last moment (of course), I found the paper and turned to the most important part of any newspaper, the comic strips (when I was younger, my Grandmother and I referred to them as the "funnies" and she used to save them for me. I'd come over and spend a good hour reading weeks and weeks worth of comic strips. God, I miss her (for many other reasons, besides comic strips. There was also the fact that she and I agreed that Bob Barker was the sexiest man on television (this was a long time ago))).


Anyway, I found this (also available here). I think that "No one ever suspects the socks" is going to be my new catch phrase. My cubicle wall is filled with carefully cut out comic strips that have been "laminated" (yeah, pretty much I put tape over them to keep them somewhat secure. I want a laminator but can't see the company ordering one for me so I can keep my comic strips in pristine condition) and I may be running out of room. What with the frogs and the "diversity is important, dammit!" bumper stickers/buttons/post cards and the magnets/picture frames, etc., I'm starting to be a bit overwhelmed by all of this stuff. But it is cool and I like it and one of these days I'll have to get permission to take pictures of it all so you can see the coolness that is my desk.

Keem called. She will be back tonight. Thank God. I think Eddy would self-destruct if he had to go another day without her. And honestly, so would I. At least we all know she'll be an excellent mother.

Oh, and I forgot that stupid changes to stupid Blogger means that I ended up with the stupid Blogger comments again. Grr. I'll have to figure out haloscan again.

Shelly said...
Hi, I really enjoyed reading your blog. Was wondering if youwould like to add it to my directory? Weblog indexThanks, Shelly
11:20 AM
Lioness said...
Ooooh, the new temnplate kicks absolute ass, I love it! It suits you, dahling. If you're eating ramen noodles, it's no wonder you're vomiting, I would as well. You know what you need to do, MOVE HERE! I can't cook to save my life but really, my veggies always taste good. You love veggies. We'll work on fruits, yes? Start packing.Also, no one ever suspects the socks? Bloody brilliant! I think I must adopt it as well, it's just so... perfect. As are you, only you would dig up such a treasure! Hope you survive till Keem returns and brings Order with her.
5:11 PM
Lioness said...
Eh?? Moderation?? What's happening? Must read on!
5:12 PM

What to do when your roommate knows you way too well

By the way, Patty, no, my teachers didn't ever suggest I be tested for AHDT because I was fairly mellow as a child. Give me a book and I was happy. This is still the case but I will be the first to admit that I suffer from Bright, Shiny Object Syndrome.

So. My roommate, Keem. You all know her or have read of her. Keem and I are very good friends and have been since we met at work six odd years ago. It was one of those moments when you meet someone and think "Huh. It seems like I've known this person for years." I have this habit, when I see someone is reading a book, to pick it up and check it out. I love to read and am constantly searching for new authors. Keem was reading a book by Laurel K Hamilton (about Anita Blake, a bounty hunter who bags vampires, among other monsters - good books but a little too gory for my tastes) and this led to a conversation about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the relative hotness of Angel and Spike and that was it. There was that click and we've been friends ever since.

I'm not sure how Beth and I became friends. While it was at work, I think it was more gradual, I didn't have a clue who she was until we started working the same shift. We worked downtown Saint Paul and after work we would either go to Perkins with Keem. Or we'd hang out in the parking ramp and listen to music and talk (also with Keem usually). We all loved movies and then we discovered scrapbooking and the fact that we enjoyed road trips and it's suddenly 5ish years later and I can't imagine life without either of them.

Anyway, Keem and I have been roommates for almost 5 years (maybe 6. I don't pay attention to these things) and she is a great roommate. She's a good cook, enjoys cleaning (well, more than I do, at least) and understands that I need structure, even when I complain about said structure.

After all this time, it has got to the point that I cannot keep anything from her. She knows me too well. She says I have a tone and she can tell when I am lying (or rolling my eyes or whining (I prefer "complaining creatively" or anything).

She gave me a cold sore. It's probably my own fault. I knew she had a cold sore but I let her drink out of my water glass on Saturday. Yesterday my very own cold sore popped up on my lip (I hate the little bastards. They are just so irritating).

We are in the car, waiting for it to warm up so we can go home. She is telling me about something that happened on her day. I have turned to face her and my face is somewhat hidden by my jacket collar.

Keem (K): And then the stock owner said this and I said something and...DANA!
DM: What?
K: Stop scratching your cold sore on your zipper!
DM: I'm not!
K: Yeah, right! Don't you lie to me, missy! If you do that, it might spread and then you'll get cold sores on your face!

I pull my lips away from the zipper quickly.

K: I know you too well.

I don't know how she knows these things. But I do know she is going to make a fantastic mother some day. I figure I have provided her with a lot of practice.

I am excited about this weekend. I can't believe that I am actually looking forward to turning 40. It is pretty amazing what the right combination of happy pills and good friends can do for you. This is the first birthday in years that hasn't depressed me incredibly (I had a former "friend" who used to say to me on March 1st every year "Dana, you're going to be 25 (or 26 or whatever). What have you accomplished with your life?" And when I would try to say my life wasn't all that bad, he would come back with all of his accomplishments. Sometimes I kind of wish I could run into him now because a) Beth and Keem HATE him and would kick his ass and b) I gained back a great portion of my self-esteem since he is no longer a part of my life and I would love to tell him off. Or sit back and watch Beth and Keem break him into little pieces and laugh.

Posted mainly because the number of posts I already have kind of freaks me out

Beth will be able to figure out what that number is - I try to avoid it at all costs. An old face from the past (Michael) once told me that the number I avoid isn't actually the true mark of the Beast (for a moment I had Beat there and that made me giggle - Fear the Beat! The Beat is bad!) and I shouldn't really freak out (apparently he was in a seminary for awhile) but hey, lots and lots of conditioning makes me nervous and therefore, I am posting. So there.

You know, what makes me laugh about my fear of the 3 6's is that I frequently say "I may be a Born-Again Christian but I'm not crazy" (referring, of course, to Fundamentalists who scare the crap out of me with their judging and hatred and all - I have a button that says "Just doing my part to piss off the Religious Right") so the fact that I kind of arrange my life around it is amusing. And yes, I do believe God created the world but no, I have no idea what this whole Intelligent Design thing is about. I don't pay attention to the controversy because I also believe that Church and State should be separated. And sometimes, just for fun, I really want to tell people I worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster because he is just so damn cool.

Anyway, enough about religion. On to random facts which are more fun, honestly.

• *It is snowing. Again. I realize that I live in Minnesota but seriously, we need to put some thought into weather control. I am having a hard time waiting for the Star Trek world to come around (and yes, people, I am aware that it was a television show but still, I'm sure if we all put our minds to it we could stop global warming, save the penguins and make a 50 feet radius around me be between 55-75 degrees at all times. I don't think I'm asking too much) so that I don't have to worry about possible blizzards. Fortunately I do live in downtown Saint Paul and that means there are lovely things like snow plows and other people to shovel snow so I don't have to worry about it.
• *Considering that I hate snow (well, hate isn't the right word. I would really enjoy snow a lot more if it wasn't so cold and if I wasn't worried that it would make me fall down and break something), I really enjoy scraping windows on cars. I'm not sure why that is.
• *My sister's work closed. My work is still open. I am not pleased.
• *My Mom is in town. I think the snow storm knows she's been living in Arizona for the past 6? 7? years and doesn't have the Minnesota hardiness anymore and decided to remind her just exactly why she moved to Arizona.
• *Barbecue sauce and chocolate are not bad together. I know this because my brownie flipped over and landed on top of my barbecue weiners that someone made for the food day. I didn't wake up today and say "Hmm, I wonder what odd food combination I can come up with to confuse people with (such as the delicious "cottage cheese on toast (cottage cheese, honey, a little butter and, of course, toast)" or one of my favorite sandwiches - bologna and peanut butter (the bologna keeps the peanut butter from sticking to the roof of your mouth or tearing the bread, the peanut butter keeps you from tasting the bologna (hey, my family was poor, Mom used to buy bologna in bulk. I had to learn to get around it somehow))).
• *Keem uses the words "hence" and "literally" just to drive me crazy. It's working. See following email:

From: Keem

I'm going to send you a different email in a bit...hopefully. Will you forward it to Lindsy? She asked if I had any appetizer ideas for a party this weekend.

Me.

From: DM

You,

I'll be happy to forward it to her. Was there anything else you would need today? Thank you for emailing me.

Me.

From: Keem

Dork,

DORK!!!!!

Me. (not the Dork)

From: DM

Nerd,

Well, duh!

Me (the Dork)

From: Keem

Dork,

You're going to blog this crap, aren't you?

Me (the Nerd)

From: DM

Nerd,

Probably not. I don't blog everything.

Me (the Dork)

From: Keem

Dork,

You blog ALOT. I never know what will end up there. Hence the blueberry story...
Don't take it all so literally though.

Me (the Nerd)

From: DM

Nerd,

I am going to kill you. No more hences! No more literallys! ARGH!

Me (the Dork who is now stabbing her eyes out because she has been henced too many times!)

From: Keem
To: DM

Dork,

I apologize that I cannot turn this email into braille as you are no longer able to see. Perhaps you would like to consider getting some sort of voice program that can read it to you. I sympathize with you, however, I cannot resist using hence and literally when it is applicable.

Me (the Nerd)

From: DM

Nerd,

This may end up being blogged yet.

Me (the Dork)

Who says you can't have fun at work? Well, I was at work (this was yesterday). She took a half day. Dang her. I had to take the bus.

It's still snowing. Just so you know. If you don't hear from me again, that's because I was eaten by snow weasels. Or snow vampires. Something snow related that eats people.

Philadelphia Chickens

Last month, Kari and I were shopping when I saw a book set I absolutely had to give Josh for Christmas. I am a big Sandra Boynton fan and loved her work when she was just making greeting cards. Now that she's branched out into children's books, I feel that it is very important that Josh experience her work. We'll be moving on to Tomie DePaola when he's a little older.

Next to the book set was a book that I was seized by the urge to buy for Beth, forgetting in my insanity that she had put the kibosh on receiving penguins. The books is called "Your Personal Penguin" and there is a penguin and he is friends with a hippo and they travel AND you get a free audio download of Davy Jones (of the Monkees!) singing the song! Davy Jones! Of the Monkees! I love Davy Jones!

A few days later, not being one who can keep a secret well, I start telling Beth about this book. She looks at me. I recognize this look. This is the "Oh dear God, why? Why would you think I would like this?" look. I've received this look before, the most prominent time would be when I decided to buy her a monkey. Sitting in a chair. In my defense, it amused me. And I bought Keem a lion sitting in a chair. And I bought myself a frog. Who is (in case you're not sure where I'm headed with this) sitting in a chair. So of course I'd have to buy Beth the monkey. A picture of the monkey is here.

Beth: I saw that book at Target with Steve.
DM: So you see how cool it is?!
Beth (in her tactful, not trying to be mean voice): Dana, I mocked the book.
DM: But there's a penguin!
Beth: Remember I said I didn't need anymore penguins?
DM: But he's friends with a hippo. And you get the audio download of the song! Sung by Davy Jones!
Beth: So?
DM: Fine. I will keep it for myself and enjoy the song. So there.
Beth: Okay. You're really bad at this gift giving thing.

Sheesh. A monkey in a chair and a pop-up map and I'm bad at gift-giving.*

*Note: I am not upset about this at all. She wasn't being mean and I keep forgetting that we don't have the exact same taste about everything. For example, she likes to do math for fun. I should have bought her an algebra text book. Hmm...

Friday I called my sister to confirm that we were going to Ruby Tuesday's on Saturday.

Kari: Did you give Beth the pig?
DM: What? What pig? Why would I give Beth a pig?
Kari: You know, that book.
DM: You mean the penguin book?
Kari: It was a penguin? Dang it.
DM: Why?
Kari: I was at Kohl's and they have that charity that they sell things for five dollars and they had the Sandra Boynton stuffed pig and I bought it.
DM: I love that pig! I want it.
Kari: You can have it if you pay 5 bucks for it.
DM: Okay!

We meet her, Eric and Josh at Ruby Tuesday's and have a lovely meal, only made more spectacular by the presence of my beloved nephew's fascination with the salad bar. At one point, he gets off his chair and heads away from the table.

Kari: Where do you think you're going?
Josh: Garbanzo beans, Mommy!

Garbanzo beans are disgusting but the kid loves them, apparently. He even calls jelly beans garbanzo beans. I love just about every vegetable there is but I draw the line at the garbanzo beans.

Later Kari reaches into her bag and hands me the most perfect stuffed pig ever! I am quite excited by this and show said excitement by making the pig dance. And greet Keem with kisses. Which irritates her for some reason. Josh liked it.

On our way home, the pig firmly grasped in my arms, I continued to make the pig dance to songs on the radio.

Keem: Stop it!
DM: What?
Keem: Stop making the pig dance!
DM: Why?
Keem: Give me the pig. Give him to me!
DM: Are you going to hurt him?
Keem: Give!

The pig ends up in the back seat, out of my reach. Sigh.

The next day, Keem tries to talk me into going to Kohl's.

DM: Why?
Keem: I want that pig.
DM: But he annoyed you.
Keem: No, you annoyed me. The pig is cute.
DM: Oh. Okay.
Keem: I also want the chicken.
DM: There's a chicken?

Yes, there is a chicken. And he is adorable as well (there is also a rhino and a dog but, while they are cute, they are not as cute as the pig or the chicken).

Keem and I stopped at Kohl's on Monday. When we found the display, I was sent over to collect the pigs (decided I had to buy one for Co-worker Michelle because she likes pigs (and hey, good cause and everything)) and the chickens (I had to have a chicken as well).

DM: Keem! Keeeeeem!
Keem: Yes?
DM: We need to buy this book.

I hold up a book entitled "Philadelphia Chickens" by Sandra Boynton that also comes with a CD of 18 1/2 songs (one is even sung by Scott Bakula).

Keem: For Beth?
DM: No. Why would I buy this for Beth? It's for us.
Keem: Okay. I guess.

Later that night, I am sitting with my chicken, making him dance. Occasionally, he will start pecking at Keem.

Keem: Dana. Stop that.
DM: What?
Keem: I can see the chicken dancing out of the corner of my eye. Stop it!
DM: He is my chicken buddy and will watch TV with me.

The chicken sneaks up on Keem and pecks at her.

Keem: ARGH! Stop it!
DM: Hee hee hee.

The other night we were watching Heroes and a new character was revealed. He is played by the gorgeous guy who played Raymond Calitri in "Gone in 60 Seconds" and is the new Doctor on "Doctor Who."

Keem: Oh!
DM: I know. Mr. Calitri, you are so very pretty.

Pause.

DM: I know what I am naming the chicken! His name is Mr. Calitri!
Keem: Okay. You're weird.

This was proven to her later when she glanced over.

Keem: What are you doing?
DM: Mr. Calitri is the perfect shape to sit on my head.
Keem: Freak.

She did take a picture of this and once she has figured out how to download it (I would show her but she refuses to admit I might know more about the internet than her), I will post the picture. She has also taken to hiding Mr. Calitri at night after I've gone to bed so I have to play Find the Chicken in the morning.

But the most annoying thing is this. She used to sneak up on me when I was playing on the computer and shout "Dana!" which freaks me out. Now she's replaced Dana with "Chicken!"

Keem: Chicken!
DM: Stop that!
Keem: No. It's fun to say. I can see why Beth likes doing it.

Oh, great. There's another convert to the Chicken Cult.

I have managed to get her back because, unfortunately, the title of the Boynton book has triggered the memory of a song. And I have begun singing the song in my head continuously, sometimes bursting into song in front of Keem. And she has not been pleased because it is close to sticking in her head. The song is "Philadelphia Freedom" but I have changed the name of it to "Philadelphia Chickens."

With apologies to Elton John, I bring you Philadelphia Chickens, sung to the tune of Philadelphia Freedom. I'll have to check to see if they have this at karaoke so I can sing this song the next time Beth answers my question "What should I sing?" with "CHICKEN!"

I used to be a rolling stone
You know if the cause was right
I'd leave to find the answer on the road
I used to be a heart beating for someone
But the times have changed
The less I say the more my work gets done

`Cause I live and breathe this Philadelphia Chickens
From the day that I was born I've waved the flag
Philadelphia Chickens took me knee-high to a man
Yeah gave me peace of mind my daddy never had

Oh Philadelphia Chickens shine on me, I love you
Shine a light through the eyes of the ones left behind
Shine a light shine a light
Shine a light won't you shine a light
Philadelphia Chickens I love you, yes I do

If you choose to you can live your life alone
Some people choose the city
Some others choose the good old family home
I like living easy without family ties
Till the whippoorwill of Chickens zapped me*
Right between the eyes

*What? Even when it is Freedom, it's still weird.

Now something that is not about the plague or a meme

Last night, in between dashes to the bathroom, Keem and I were watching Whose Line is it Anyway? (Oh, my God, how I love that show, Colin Mochrie, if you ever decide to leave your wife and come see me, I'm in Minnesota), the British version. We have this recorded on our pretty shiny DVR and Keem was fast forwarding through the commercials when we saw yet another commercial for Doctor Who. I used to love the show when I was 16 but haven't seen any of the recent epsidoes. Pretty shiny Doctor Who who is played by the really hot guy who played Raymond Calitri in Gone in 60 Seconds.

Anyway, in this commercial, he is staring directly at you (well, the camera but you know what I mean).

DW: Do you want to come with me?

Keem and I have had responses to this, usually along the lines of "Yes, please" and "Oh, you are so very pretty" but Keem topped them all last night.

Keem: You can Doctor my Who anytime.
DM (falling over with laughter): What?
Keem: You heard me.
DM: I am so blogging that.
Keem: No! You can't!
DM: Oh, yes. Yes, I will.

You would think that, with all of the enjoyment we get out of watching the commercial, we'd actually watch the show but not yet. Maybe when our 453 episodes of Whose Line have all been watched (this is what you get when you do a series record).

Oh, and proof positive that my happy pills are working, the other day I had to take a bus. I got on the bus and the three or four men in the back of the bus started making comments about how I was a big woman and also "El Grande." Now, instead of focusing on the fact that they were criticizing my weight and how I must climb into a hole because I'm just a big fat cow that doesn't deserve to walk the planet, instead I thought "Hmm. Technically, when you call me 'El Grande,' you're calling me 'The Big.'" Of course, they weren't Hispanic but still, dudes. If you're going to insult me, get it right.

I may adopt that as my new title. Instead of the Queen of the Universe, you may find me signing documents as The Big. It kind of has a nice ring to it.

And I decided on a New Year's Resolution. The Mountain Dew has to go. I'm not so sure that I can continue to blame my recent weight gain on Seraquel and may need to focus on the four or five cans I manage to drink every other day or so. Stupid Mountain Dew. Why must you be so yummy?

And yet again, technology escapes me

Hello! I have shiny happy internet service now! Whoo!

Keem and I had the following conversation this morning.

Keem: I was talking to this guy about signing up for NABABNAonline.com and he wasn't able to do it so I said he probably had a problem with his internet service. And he laughed and said yes, probably, he has dial up. And then I laughed and said I used to have dial up. He said it religiously connects at 43k each time.
DM: We had that. We did. But now we have 6! Six! I have no idea what that is but I like it!
Keem: That would be 6 megabytes per second, Dana.
DM: I still don't know what that means but I don't care! Six!

Do you know what this means now, dear Internet? Do you? It means I'm going to be doing some major blog surfing in the next few days to come. Well, as soon as I get a modem for my room (the guy installing didn't have the actual work order because the other guy was running late so he only had one modem but Keem's computer works after I called Comcast and said "hey, it doesn't work" and he said "it's a problem with your network interface card" and I said "huh?" and he said "Try a usb cord" and I said "huh?" again and he suggested I have my roommate call (But he was really impressed at how fast I navigated the system to try all of the different problem solving options he had for me. As I explained, if it's software, I'm okay. Hardware confuses me).

Fortunately Keem knows these technical things and was able to install the usb cord today and now we have internet!

Yeah, and in case you think, okay, well, Dana, these are rather technical terms, it's okay that you don't know what they are, let me tell you about the five minutes it took me to figure out that the reason I didn't have a dial tone this morning was because, when I switched phones to hook up the cordless phone (for some reason we have only found one phone jack in the entire apartment), I kind of forgot to put the little phone cord thingy into the phone base. And yes, I have been known to tell my boss that my monitor wasn't working and have him come over and have him plug it in. Sigh.

My new mantra

It used to be "Don't Worry, Be Happy." Hey, you have to admit it's a catchy song.

Then it was "I am not a feline dominatrix (old email address was badbadkittygirl)."

It changed to "Don't kill anyone. For the love of God, put the fork down." Well, mainly that was Beth, trying to keep me from breaking my New Year's Resolution.

My side bar lists one of my favorites - "Embrace Chaos. Adore Chaos. Give Chaos a big kiss on the mouth." I also enjoy "Some people march to the beat of their own drummer. I have my own percussion section."

But my new one, the one that has kept me from snapping and throwing things out the window (not a good idea when you live on the 26th floor) in a desperate bid to finally finish cleaning, was as follows:

"Screw the damage deposit."

Keem and I were sitting on the couch, trying to get up the energy to get in action for hour 8 of the 10 1/2 hours we spent in stupid cleaning mode yesterday, and one of would list off something that we needed to do.

Keem: I need to wipe down the light fixtures.
DM: Screw the light fixtures.

Brief moment while we drink some water and pretend it's a pina colada on the beach.

DM: I need to change that toilet seat.
Keem: Screw the toilet seat.

Brief moment where we giggled because we were incredibly punchy (exposure to lots and lots of bleach based cleaning products) and tired.

I also have another mantra. "I am never moving again. I am never moving again. I am never moving again."

I have decided that if Keem or I ever get married, our new husbands are just moving into this apartment. Or they can have their own apartment on another floor and we'll just make conjugal visits. Works for me.

But we're done. Except for moving the couch, two lamps and two stools, everything is upstairs. Scattered everywhere. But it's there.

Missy, if you could send Marco on over, I'd be forever grateful.

Randomness, Thy Name is Dana

Hi. I have ten minutes to tell you about absolutely nothing. Why? Because I feel like it. It is fun to share my minutiae with others. It makes me feel important. Like using the word minutiae. Yes, here at Green Duckies and Other Tales of Dana, we're all about the lording it over others and making them feel like crap. Oh, wait, no, that's not me. That's someone else that works here at NABABNA and just received a promotion. She irritates me. Not because she received the promotion, mind you, because I didn't apply but just because she does. See? Random.

My shoulders and arms hurt. I feel as though I spent the last few days wrestling with someone (preferably someone who happens to be shiny and a former wrestler turned actor. No, I am not referring to Jesse Ventura (although I will admit to being somewhat attracted to him at one time). I am referring to my beloved The Rock) but unfortunately that is not the case. I am not sure why I am sore. Oh, wait, I'm moving. That could be it.

I have just used the term oh, wait twice in the same post. That is so wrong. Not wrong enough for me to actually change it but I want you to all know I am aware of this.

Did you know that Portugal is the main source of cork in the world? Did you also know that I miss Johnny? Speaking of cork, I bought a cork board the other day and it was thwarting me this morning while I was trying to hang it up on my wall and I was frustrated and may have possibly made sounds of frustration and turned to co-worker John and Rykken for symphathy. Did I get symphathy? No. I did not. Instead I received mocking. Mocking! I know. I am also very shocked.

DM: ARGH! My cork board is thwarting me.
Co-worker John: Ah (this is usually what he says when he is not sure how to respond to my oddness. He says "Ah" a lot).
Co-worker Rykken: Just how exactly is a cork board thwarting you (perhaps that doesn't sound all that bad to you but you should be aware that co-worker Rykken had the smile on his face. You know the smile. That mocking smile)?

I was able to triumph over the cork board eventually. It involved much ARGHing and the occasional poking of myself with a T-pin while co-worker John made soothing noises. Co-worker John did recently have a small child so he's very good at the soothing noises.

Keem and I went and saw two movies on Saturday - Flushed Away (very cute, recommend to both adults and children, the singing slugs are just the icing on the cake that this movie is) and The Santa Clause, the Escape Clause (which was cute, considering that I've seen all 3 movies but also not the most exciting movie ever, if you have to choose, go to Flushed Away. Right now. But not before leaving a comment).

Beth and I went to karaoke last night AND we actually sang. I know! I was shocked as well. It's been very slow on Sunday nights and last week we actually scrapbooked. We did again last night, for a little bit and, as Beth said, we have now managed to combine our two favorite activities. Then these two guys showed up. John and his nephew Corey. They sat through us and, since the rotation consisted of the four of us (with special guest appearances by Christina and some guy named Kurt or Kirk), I spent some time talking to the both of them. John is from California and was visiting Minnesota to deer hunt (poor baby deers! Run, baby deers, run! Preferrably not into traffic) and sing karaoke (although I'm not sure that was listed on his itinerary), Corey apparently lives in the area. They are both incredibly goofy, John more so, and it was a lot of fun watching them. There was a weird moment or two when John decided to sing "Hello, It's Me" directly to Liz for a little bit and then when he told Beth, Liz, James and myself to "Love one another. Take care of one another. That's the bottom line." Um, okay. As Beth put it, he's one of those drunks.

Well, that's it. Thank you for reading and I'll probably catch up on blogs tomorrow. Very busy today. Stupid Mondays. Stupid 7 AM (new hours).

NoBoPoMo or whatever you call it

Yeah, the problem about this posting daily? I don't have a computer at home. Amazing how I managed to forget that.

Anyway, had a good weekend. Keem and I went to our company party, that was lots of fun. It was held in this old building near our work that's been renovated and turned into a bar and restaurant. The food was fantastic and there was a hot bartender who actually dug through the trash to get me wine corks*. How can you not love that in a man?

*I collect wine corks because I am going to be making cork boards. It was not a random gesture on his part. But really, what could say "I adore you, strange but somewhat cute woman, let me dig through the trash for you" than him digging through the trash? After all, I stole a knife for James as a sign of my devotion.

We got our pictures taken when we first walked in and there was a nice surprise attached, well, actually two. One was that I looked fairly decent in the picture. Before you tell me to shut up, I am not photogenic. I know that. Yes, okay, I have some pictures that turn out okay but it isn't normal. The second surprise was that we received new frames with NABABNA inscribed on the bottom. Very nice looking.

Also, there was 3 seperate caricaturists and Keem and I decided to get one done of us, something to hang in the new apartment. After making sure that the caricaturist was aware that Keem and I are just roommates (many people assume otherwise and, after seeing the drawing she had done previously, I didn't want a bunch of hearts all over our picture), we settled in for the modeling phase. The picture was great. She drew us both as playboy bunnies and I'm giving Keem bunny ears. As Keem says "This is the best weight loss program ever! Look how skinny we are!"

Sunday I went to karaoke with Beth. Always fun. It has been slow for a few weeks so Beth and I came prepared, bringing some pictures along to plan scrapbook pages for. I actually planned 5 pages in about an hour, so much quicker than my usual staring at the page in despair, trying to figure out what I'm going to do. Beth is brilliant. She's the one that came up with the planning your pages and I am really going to enjoy this. We also spent time speaking to Nicki about religion and politics (set off by some woman deciding that she needed to "save" Bryan. Said same woman kissed both Beth and I when introduced to us and actually screamed when Bryan started playing this song she wanted. Screamed. Like a little girl. Good Lord) and moved on to really bad pick-up lines.

Around 1 AM, Dean, Liz, James and some guy named Doug (?) came up. We had fun talking to them and ended up staying at the Chalet much later than usual. The only song sung the entire night was by Dean. It was that slow. But fun. Fun is always good.

Hope you all had a great weekend.

ARGH!

I love this song, I really, really, really do. I love the whole album. But it is driving me nuts that, for the last day, I've had the following repeating over and over in my head.

"Oh, how I miss waking up to the sound
To the sound (sound)
To the sound (to the sound)
To the sound
Waking up to the sound of your voice."

(That sound would actually be Keem SCREAMING at me to get up because I have overslept. Kindly added by KEEM herself!)*

I blame Beth.**

It's Barenaked Ladies, in care you're not sure. You'll never guess what the song is called.

*No, I'm not particularly fond of being yelled at when I've overslept. She is very loud and, hello, I am sleeping.

**Mainly because she has the best playlist ever for iTunes and this is one of the songs on the playlist and I REALLY like it. BUT GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD!

Once again the concept of technology eludes me

Last night, while watching Dancing With The Stars (shut up. Keem watches the show and I only stick around because I like ballroom dancing. And Mario Lopez is hot), Joey Lawrence performed a mambo (or something) to Singing In The Rain. For his rehearsal, they go to the MGM lot and actually practice the dance on the set. Keem and I have the following conversation while watching his rehearsal and performance.

DM: I love that movie.
K: Me too. Do we have it?
DM: Yeah, I've got it on VHS. I wish I had it on DVD.
K: We could watch it tonight.
DM: No, I'm tired. Let's watch it tomorrow.
K: We can't.
DM: Why not?
K: America's Next Top Model and Lost are on.

Shut up. We made a deal. I watch ANTM with her and she'll watch Lost with me.

DM: So? We can tape Lost.
K: Uh, no, we can't do that.
DM: Why not?
K (in tone commonly used to explain things to small children): Because, Dana, we can't use the VCR to tape Lost and also use the VCR to watch Singing In The Rain.
DM: Oh.

Two seconds later, when I get it.

DM: Oh!
K: I cannot believe I just had to explain that to you.
DM: Shut up! Let's just get it on DVD.
K: Someday.

Man, do I want Tivo now.

Thursday 13 - #2

Okay, I’m a bit early but that’s okay. We’ll deal with it. I had to post this today because today is Keem’s birthday and we are awfully fond of her. Well, I’m assuming that all of you are fond of her as well. I’m really not using the royal “we” here. I try to avoid that. People think I am daft enough as it is. Someday, they’ll recognize me for my great and awesome powers but for now, I’m willing to just sit back and observe. Who of you will be in my court when I come into my powers? Who of you will be banned from my presence forever? I’m watching you. Mwahahaha.

It’s probably not a good idea to do the evil laugh when you’re trying to convince people that you’d be a good Queen of the Universe, huh? Pretend you didn’t see that.

Thirteen Reasons Why Keem is Great byDana, Queen of the Universe 1. She is very funny and makes me laugh. Lots. 2. She convinced me to apply for the job at Stock Owner Services and has agreed to have the same schedule as me so I don’t have to take the stupid bus. 3. She will (usually) listen to me whine (or, as I like to refer to it, creatively complain). She does draw the line at the following items – I am not allowed to say “Keem, I am dying” when I have a cold and I am not allowed to say that I am tired on Mondays and Fridays because I chose to go to karaoke and therefore did it to myself. 4. She will remind me when my shows come on and can even be persuaded to tape them for me. Plus, we watch a lot of the same shows and it is fun to discuss the outcome. 5. She is very helpful at reminding me that I have a budget and there are things I should not spend money on. She is the voice of reason. 6. If not for her (and Beth), my life would be Chaos. Instead it is organized Chaos. 7. She is the best cook ever. Even better is that she actually likes to cook and that is why I do not exist on an all Ramen noodles diet (I like Ramen noodles but 3 times a day would be excessive). Even better is that she understands that tomatoes are evil and I never end up having to worry about finding them scattered willy-nilly throughout my food. 8. She likes movies just as much as me and often suggests that we partake in double features. And the occasional triple feature. 9. We like to read a lot of the same authors so we’ll share books and avidly wait until the other person finishes to book so we can discuss it with each other. 10. She remembers the practical things like laundry detergent and dishwashing liquid and cat food when we go to the store (I remember the more fun things like ice cream. Ice cream is very important). She also understands that I cannot live in a mustard free household and reminds me when we are running low. Or reminds me that we already have mustard and I don’t need to buy a new bottle (Sometimes I panic over the possibility of being mustard free). She also understands that Plochman’s mustard is the best and French’s is a close second and that, under any circumstance, never will I eat Heinz’s mustard (although I prefer their ketchup). 11. She will share her ice cream with me when I only bought a pint of ice cream and she bought two boxes of ice cream bars and I am jealous over her plethora of frozen treats. 12. She loves my cat. My cat loves her. Maybe a little too much since he seems to spend more time with her. But it is fun having someone to discuss your cat with and all of his little idiosyncrasies (and understand when you panic because he is sitting in Jeff’s former room in the dark, silently mrowing to himself and will come to the room and talk to him with you about how it’ll all be okay). 13. She will humor me when I say things like “Keem! Keem! The birds! Did you see the birds, Keem? Did you? They were flying! (Or hopping or sitting around thinking bird thoughts)” Usually her response is “Yes, Dana, those were birds (or squirrels or BALLOONS!).” And when I say “I like birds” she will say “Really? I never would have known.” There are many other reasons why Keem is one of the best friends ever but these are the top 13. I could keep going but I’ll stop. Happy birthday, Keem! For your birthday, I will buy you Monk Season Two and you will receive it around the same time that you get Monk Season One which I am buying for your last birthday (yet another reason she is awesome. She won’t let me buy it for her because it’s not in my budget). Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

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