What's going on - past and present

Past

Hanging out with Beth a few weeks ago

When I was over at Beth's a few weeks ago, I had brought over the Photo Stack 2. Those of you who do not scrapbook may not be aware of the incredible offerings in the Paper Industry. There are scrapbook pages that are pictures of stuff. This is so cool. Except sometimes, well, they are a little weird, the pages.


Not that you're really going to see the weirdness when you look at this picture but trust me. It's there.

DM: Well, I know I don't need burlap for Evora.
B: No, but it'll really come in handy when you win that 3 legged race.

DM: This is pretty (it's a picture of a softly lit, glowing forest).
B: Yeah, if you ever actually run into leprecauns and fairies.

B: I watched The Graduate recently.
DM: I've never actually seen that. Norman Fell was in it.
B: Who's Norman Fell?
DM: Mr. Roper.
B: Blank stare.
DM: Three's Company.
B: Pick something from my generation. Oh, that was mean. But damn funny.

We decided to drink some Sparkling Juice Beth had purchased when we had made our excursion to Ikea. Beth has a lot of different glasses from a company called Princess House. For a woman who doesn't drink, she seems to have many glasses you would serve alcohol in. We decided to live it up and drink out of wine glasses. Later, we decided to try the brandy snifter.

DM: God, that's great fake brandy.

I found some quotes I had purchased awhile ago.

DM (sarcastically): Oh. This is sooo sweet. Brothers by birth, friends by choice.
B: Are you ever going to use that?
DM: No. Do you have a use for it.
B: Yes.

I hand it to her. She takes it and starts shredding it. She hands the pieces to me.

B: There. Now you have confetti.
DM (sarcastically again): Oh, look. I tripped over your love & fell. Who writes this crap?
B: I...and your purse is fucking huge anyway.

And that's all she said. Completely apropos of anything.

It makes sense now. She's actually making a planner for 2008 and was wondering if people could carry it in their purse.

A quick update to Cat Watch '07.

It's over. Sebastian has been returned to his family.

I called them yesterday at about 4 PM.

Eric (the brother in law): Hey, Dana. How are you?
DM: I'm good. Happy birthday.
Eric: Thanks.
DM: I'm sorry I missed it but you were gone (his birthday was on the 3rd).
Eric: That's okay.
DM: Did you have a good time on vacation?
Eric: Yes.
DM: Great. Now come get your Devil Cat.
Eric: What did he do now?

What did he do now? I'll tell you what he did. He has decided that Eddy is now his bitch. Apparently on Saturday night, while I was over at Beth's scrapbooking, Sebastian decided to start licking Eddy in a private area. And then, he climbed on top of Eddy, bit him on the back of the neck to hold him in place and started, well, the most tactful way to describe this would be "moving his groin in a thrusting manner."

This wouldn't be so bad if Eddy was enjoying Sebastian's attention but no. There was yowling and what Keem described as the look of "Help me! Please help me!" She had to pick Sebastian up and move him away. Multiple times.

I got to witness this yesterday, a few minutes before I called Kari and Eric. Eddy was minding his own business, walking along, when Sebastian pounced. Eddy was not pleased. I managed to separate them and then had to chase Sebastian off to the other room while we petted Eddy in a soothing manner.

Eric found this amusing and called for Kari.

Eric: Sebastian thinks Eddy's a girl.
Kari: What?
DM: Come get your Devil Cat.
Kari: What is he doing?
DM: He has violated my baby.
Kari: He did not.
DM: Yes. Yes, he did. I saw him.
Kari: But he's neutered.
DM: So? I've seen this before.

I tell her about the cocker spaniel I once owned, Gabralynn (my friend's daughter couldn't pronounce Gabriel and the name stuck), and my cat Thomas. Apparently Gabers decided that Thomas was a small female dog. Thomas, on the other hand, decided Gabers was a large female cat. They would chase each other throughout the trailer, mounting each other whenever the urge struck them, usually in front of company. Both were neutered. And, since neither of them complained, we were fine with them expressing their love for each other. We would have been a lot more fine if they wouldn't do this when my friend's elderly and highly religious mother was over.

Elderly and Highly Religious Mother (EHRM): What are they doing?
Former friend (FF): They're playing, mother. They're just playing.
EHRM: I thought cats and dogs didn't like each other.
FF: Well, these two are, um, yeah, Dana, would you put the dog outside, please?

Just call me Captain Obvious

Keem and I met up with Co-worker Elaine this morning. She told Keem an item we had ordered from her was available (I am a sap for supporting co-workers. I've bought Pampered Chef, PartyLite candles and now Close to Home) and she was also carrying a bag of calendars (her daughter works for a company that makes them so they always have lots of samples). Keem and I followed Co-worker Elaine to her desk.

Co-worker Holly observed this.

Co-worker Holly: Are you moving to our row now?
Co-worker Lisa: Cute haircut!*

*I have received many compliments about my haircut. Apparently chopping my own hair off works for me.

DM: Thanks (to Lisa). She has calendars (to Holly).
Co-worker Elaine: I'll put these out later.

She sees me hovering.

Co-worker Elaine: Or I could put them out now.
DM: That would be good.
Keem: She can wait.
Co-worker Elaine: I'll do it now.
Keem: Dana!
DM: What? I like calendars. They are pretty and tell me what date it is.

Apparently my co-workers found that amusing. But I say that I speak the truth.

B is for Broken

First - quick update on Cat Watch '07. Eddy and Sebastian are getting along now. There is carousing and frolicking throughout the apartment. Sebastian has toned down the yowling late at night and I am actually getting approximately 6 hours of sleep. Sebastian is a sweet and lovely cat (when he's not expressing everything at the top of his lungs) and quite cuddly. However, he does have a habit I'd like to break him of - that of the love bites. Picture it, if you will, our heroine picking up the grey cat and petting him. He starts purring, throws in a few head butts and then stops to look deeply into her eyes. Everything about him says "I adore you." And then he leans forward and bites the end of her nose.

May I just say ouch? Because seriously, that hurt. It was amusing, I'll give you that, but somewhat painful.

Anyway, on to our feature presentation:

B is for Broken

When I was 13, my parents got divorced (and, before you think, oh poor Dana, she came from a broken home, believe me, this was a good thing. My Dad, although I love him, was not a good husband or father when he was drinking (which was quite often)). When I was 14, Kari, my adorable but bratty little sister broke her foot.

Here's what happened. Dad has visitation and decides to take us camping. We go to William O'Brian State Park, a nice little campground we've been going to for years. It's between Stillwater and Taylor's Falls, right outside of Marine-on-Saint-Croix. Dad is dating a very nice woman at the time but I can't remember her name. She also has daughters (and why yes, I can't remember their names either. It was a long time ago, 27 years) who come along on the trip.

I had just learned how to ride a bike without training wheels either that summer or the summer before (or maybe the summer before the summer before) and so was very excited when Dad suggested we bring our bikes along. Kari and I, along with Other Daughters 1 & 2, start riding our bikes everywhere. William O'Brian is divided between the main campground (up the big hill) and the not-main campground (down the big hill and then the really biiiiiiggggg hill, by the lake) and we spend hours on our bikes, riding up and down the trails, having a great time.

One of the things I loved the most about this weekend was taking the bike trail - it was nicely paved and there were cute little signs that said stop and yield. Like regular stop signs and yield signs but much smaller. They were baby signs. And yes, I am amused easily.

Anyway, we told my dad and Dad's Girlfriend that we were going to go down to the beach. Kari, OD 1&2 and I took off, planning on traversing the biiiiigggg hill on bikes for the first time. This is a scary, scary hill. My mom always hated driving it because it seems like the road just drops away.

This was the summer of 1981 and it was normal to let your kids disappear for hours when camping. There was no fear of kidnappers or child molesters, people routinely left their doors unlocked. It was a simpler time and honestly, I really miss it. But the world has changed. And maybe, considering what ended up happening to Kari, we shouldn't have been off on our own.

If I remember correctly, I think OD#1 and I were closer in age and so we had left our annoying little sisters behind us. We weren't too far ahead of them but I couldn't see her. Kari and I did not get along when we were younger and I wanted to be the cool older sister. I remember OD#1 and I ran into these cute boys that were also at the campground. I'm not sure what happened but somehow we had alienated them or they had alienated us and I remember them biking past and making remarks about my weight.

OD#1 and I stopped by the non-swimming part of the lake and were admiring the scenery when OD#2 came screeching up to us.

OD#2: It's Kari! She's hurt!

The three of us rushed back up the road to Kari. She was not where OD#2 had left her. May I just state that I panicked? My little sister was missing. Somehow I did not think that my mother was going to accept the fact that Kari was a total brat as a good enough excuse.

We made it back to the campsite as I pondered the best way to tell my Dad that his baby girl had vanished. We got back and there, thank the Good Lord for all his mercy, was my sister. With a broken foot. Apparently a nurse just happened to be driving along, saw her and brought her back to the campsite.

We went to the Emergency Room and I remember asking OD#2 what had happened. She told us that the pack of boys had ridden by them, shouted some insults and then Kari had catapulted off of her bike onto the side of the road. Apparently one of the boys had used the "F" word.

DM: Oh no. Kari's never heard that word before. Maybe she was shocked and that's why she fell off her bike.
OD#2: Uh, no, she hit a rock.

Yes, I was concerned that my impressionable little sister had heard a bad word and got hurt because of it. Yes, I am aware that I was incredibly naive.

Kari's foot had been caught in the bike chain. She spent the rest of the summer in a cast and I spent the rest of the summer waiting on her hand and foot out of guilt. I'd like to say that this was when we became close and how she became one of my favorite people. I'd like to say that but I can't. She became even more of a pain in my ass than before. Not surprising, considering that we referred to her as Brat and she would respond to it.

The cast finally came off, Kari healed well and school started in September. I hated school. I was not a popular person, I was laughed at constantly and I just plain hated it. I didn't like any of my classes (not even English, which is surprising because I have had a love affair with books my entire life but not surprising because I had the worst teacher for 6th and 7th grade who made my life a living hell). But this was to change.

My English teacher was Mr. Wharton. He decided to have us write an essay on how we spent our summer vacation. Cheesy, of course. I wrote about Kari's accident but started out "In the Drama world, the term 'Break a leg' is used to wish actors good luck. Actually saying 'good luck' to someone is thought to bring bad luck. Unfortunately, for my sister, the term 'break a foot' was not good luck for her."

Mr. Wharton had handed back every one's papers except for mine. I was freaking out, wondering where my paper was. Did he hate it? Was he going to humiliate me in front of the entire class like evil teacher had? And then Mr. Wharton said "I'm going to read you an essay that I thought was the best out of this entire class."

And he started reading mine out loud.

And even better, someone laughed. And then someone else did. And then the entire class was roaring with laughter. And it was the most amazing experience of my life. I had made people laugh. Not at me. But because of something I had written. I was funny. And my teacher was telling everyone in the class.

And that, my dear friends, is why I blog. It all stems back to that class, to that realization that I had someone who believed in me. And it helped me begin to believe in myself. I write to make people laugh. That's my job. That's my purpose. That's my true love.

Thank you, Mr. Wharton. I have been truly lucky to have 4 great teachers I will never forget. You, Mr. O'Dean, Mrs. Roberts and Ms. Lambert.

Why am I up at 5:12 in the morning? That's a great question, do you mind holding while I check into that for you?

Why? I'll give you 3 guesses. Here's a couple of clues.

He's grey. He's a cat. His name is Sebastian.

AND HE NEVER SHUTS UP!

Anyway, since it's my shift now during Cat Watch '07, here's a meme that I gleefully stole from the lovely Miss Melissa.

Unnamed Meme

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night?

It was actually yesterday morning. Keem and I had the following conversation after watching Eddy start throwing the smack down on Sebastian. Oh, I wish I would have had the camera nearby. Eddy rose up on his hind legs in a classic karate pose (well, classic cat karate pose, I guess) and started flailing his paw. He didn't actually connect with Sebastian's face but it was hilarious, 3 very well excuted slaps.


DM: It's Eddy and his paw of...paw of...

I try to think of something, anything, witty but I am so damn tired!

Keem: Justice.
DM: Hee! The paw of Justice!

This makes us laugh for approximately 15 minutes. All the way down to the car in the elevator. Into the car. On the way to work. It's not that funny but we are sleep deprived.

As Keem pulls out of the parking ramp, we are assaulted by the sunlight. You know, since we've been working this shift from November 1st, you'd think we'd be aware of the fact that the sun is gong to be out there, lurking, just waiting to catch us.

DM: Argh! Bright! Bright! Can't see!
Keem: Blind! Tears! Paw of Justice!

We dissolve into hysterical giggles again. Until I start coughing.

Keem: Don't die, Dana. I would be sad but I wouldn't be able to cry. Because of all the tears from laughing.

And that sets us off again.

2. What were you doing at 0800?

Well, since it is now 05:37, I'll have to say that yesterday at 8 AM, I was trying to sleep. And failing. Because of CATS!

3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?

Sleeping. The sleep of the just. Until Keem woke me up and told me it was my turn to deal with HIM (that would be Sebastian, just in case you've not noticed the running theme here).

4. What happened to you in 2006?

Um...let's see. Do I happen to have a handy post that talks about what happened in 2006? Why, yes, I do.

5. What was the last thing you said out loud?

SHUT UP, damn it! Do you understand that I have to sleep? Do you? Why are you torturing me like this? Why?*

*I bet you can't guess who I said it to.

6. How many beverages did you have today?

Lots of water. A can of Mountain Dew, a can of Diet Coke, a can of Squirt (I like to live on the edge). A thing of Mountain Dew with supper. Diet Coke would be a lot better if it tasted like Mountain Dew.* And before anyone tells me I shouldn't have Mountain Dew because I'm diabetic, let me just tell you this. I am too tired to not have lots and lots of caffiene. Caffiene is my friend right now.

*Don't recommend Diet Mountain Dew. It tastes horrible.

7. What colour is your hairbrush?

Yes, because my hairbrush color provides such deep and meaningful insight . But it's purple.

8. What was the last thing you paid for?

Dinner from Hot City Pizza. Yummy hoagies.

9. Where were you last night?

At home.

10. What colour is your front door?

It's door colored. Brown, I think.

11. Where do you keep your change?

In Pig. Or Pigette. Depending on whichever one of them looks the hungriest.

12. What’s the weather like today?

Dark. Cranky. Tired.

Oh, weather, not my mood. Um, dark? Cold. Possibly snowing today.

13. What’s the best ice-cream flavour?

Haagen Daz Light Mint Chocolate Chip. Yummy.

14. What excites you?

Right now, I would have to say sleep. Or it could be my upcoming marriage to Co-Worker Jaime.*

*I proposed to him yesterday. But he's allowed to date. I'm done with that stuff. And we're not going to live together. I just want to get married before I die.**

**Yes, it's a joke. Although he is amenable to Bryan marrying us.

DM: Bryan would have to marry us.
Jaime: Who's Bryan?
DM: My karaoke host. He's an athiest minister.
Amber: What exactly does an athiest minister talk about?
DM: Um, love? I guess?

Then I tried to explain about the Church of the Angry Frankensten Monsters. My co-workers think I'm weird now.

15. Do you want to cut your hair?

No. I already cut it. It looks okay.

16. Are you over the age of 25?

Uh, yeah. By 15 years.

17. Do you talk a lot?

Well, Keem tells me to use my inside my head voice a lot so I'd say yes.

18. Do you watch the O.C.?

No. I have enough shows to watch. Who else is excited that American Gladiators is coming back besides Keem and I?

19. Do you know anyone named Steven?

Not to my knowlege.

20. Do you make up your own words?

Yes. Mainly by combining words - shup (shut up), vant (vent/rant).

This amused me today.









21. Are you a jealous person?

Of what? People who are sleeping right now?

22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘A’

Amber.

23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘K’

Keem

24. Who’s the first person on your received call list?

Unknown Caller

25. What does the last text message you received say

It was from the cell phone company.

26. Do you chew on your straw?

Why would I chew on my straw when there are perfectly good pens around here.

27. Do you have curly hair?

No. My hair hates me.

28. Where’s the next place you’re going to?

Hopefully bed.

29. Who’s the rudest person in your life?

Probably me. I can be bitchy and have no filter sometimes.

30. What was the last thing you ate?

Hoagie from Hot City.

31. Will you get married in the future?

Unless it is to Co-worker Jaime, probably not.

32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks?

Enchanted!

33. Is there anyone you like right now?

How to you mean this like? Is this friendship like because I have tons of those people. If it's romantic like, been there, done that.

34. When was the last time you did the dishes?

The dishes are not on my chore list. Unloading the dishasher is. I'm a little behind on that.

35. Are you currently depressed?

Yes. That's what Effexor is for.

36. Did you cry today?

Not yet. I will if Sebastian doesn't shut up soon.

37. Why did you answer and post this?

Needed something to do while I tried to convince Sebastian to be quiet.