I cannot believe I never posted this - thank God I obsessively save everything I ever write in Word

This is from awhile ago, during Tax Season, to be exact. Ah, Tax Season. How I do not miss you, let me count the ways. One - you're really, really annoying. Two - I hate you. The End.

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 9:45 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Argh!

Make the calls stop!

From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 10:02 AM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Argh!

I would like to do so but unfortunately, your request cannot be completed because it is Tax Season, also known as Hell.

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 11:31 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Argh!

Make tax hell stop!

_____________________________________________
From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 11:33 AM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Argh!

Um, last I checked, I was not the Princess of Darkness so I can't. As Queen of the Universe, unfortunately, I do not have any dominion over the Underworld.

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 11:46 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Argh!

You are not the queen of the universe. Never have been, never will be. So, you don't have any control whatsoever! :P

From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 12:33 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Argh!

You are mean. You won't let me throw my Ninja Cranberries at you.*

*Ocean Spray has these awesome commercials where there’s an older guy and a younger guy standing in a cranberry bog. The younger guy is kind of goofy and, in my favorite commercial, says “I think Cranberries are the Ninjas of the Fruit World.” And then he does this high kick and makes a martial art sort of sound. Cracks me up every time. Keem had come over when I was eating some Craisins and I wanted to throw them at her and make a martial art sort of sound. I am partial to “Wa!”

_____________________________________________
From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 12:34 PM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Argh!

I repel your ninja requests. You are not Ninja, therefore, you are unable to repel the Ninja cranberries. Besides wiich*, an inanimate object cannot be animate. It is an Oxymoron. Part oxy, part moron….wonder where the moron part comes from….

*that is an actual typo. It is not as fun as "You are igonring me" in which I replied "I do not know what an igon ring is or how to to igonring someone. As for ignoring you, no, I was in a call." Igonring is now in our weird Dana/Keem vocabulary (in which Keem (Kim) is a part of. And wuter (water). And many other words that come and go, mainly created by me because I am weird. In case you didn't know that.
_____________________________________________
From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 1:31 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Argh!

Ha. Ha. Ha to your moron part. I am not trying to repel the Ninja cranberries. And, according to your statement here, if I am not Ninja, you are also not Ninja so therefore YOU can't repel the Ninja cranberries! Ha!

_____________________________________________
From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 1:36 PM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Argh!

What part in what I said states that I will repel the ninja cranberries using some sort of ninja move? I have a notebook. I can swat the ninja cranberries. You are reading more into what I said and it is not implied that I would use some sort of ninja tactic to repel said ninja cranberries. I am resourceful and do not need special ninja abilities to repel something unwanted. Ha!

_____________________________________________
From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 1:38 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Argh!

You said and I quote "I repel your ninja requests. You are not Ninja, therefore, you are unable to repel the Ninja cranberries." This indicates that you are repelling my Ninja requests. And that since I cannot repel the Ninja cranberries, therefore you cannot repel the Ninja Cranberries. It is simple logic.

_____________________________________________
From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 1:59 PM
To: DM
Subject: HA!*

I can repel them if I wish. I have a protective, invisible force field that allows me to repel the ninja cranberries and any thing else ninjaish. So there!

*Notice how she changed the subject line? We do that a lot. We have been known to change the subject line five or six times in one email conversation. Sometimes we just send emails with no text, just subject lines. I do believe I mentioned we were weird, right?

From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 2:40 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: HA!

How did you get the protective, invisible force field? I don't have a force field. I want one.

Mr. Calitri* is not a ninja so you can not repel him.

Oh, I was thinking you should name your chicken Eggs and your pig Ham. So you would have Ham and Eggs. Or Hamon. I kind of like Hamon.

*Mr. Calitri is my chicken. In order to irritate Keem, sometimes I will thrust him at her and tell her that he wants to kees (kiss (I like ee's)) and peck at her. She hates that. If you were wondering just what exactly Mr. Calitri looks like, you can check my profile picture. And read this post, because it will explain a little more the oddness that is me.

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 3:07 PM
To: DM
Subject: RE: HA!

I like Ham and Eggs. That's pretty good. I'll consider it.

From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 3:16 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: HA!

Oooh! To really change it up, you could name your pig Eggs and the chicken Ham! That would be funny.

Sarah named her fish Chicken*.

*She did. Can you believe the length my friends will do to keep up the chicken conspiracy?

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 3:23 PM
To: DM
Subject: RE: HA!

That's funny too. How about fish and chips? Or white meat and the other white meat… hee hee.

From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 3:24 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: HA!

I want you to know that I had to miss a call because I was laughing over white meat and the other white meat. That is hilarious.

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 3:23 PM
To: DM
Subject: RE: HA!

Yeah, well I almost busted a gut in the call because of your email pop up about laughing.


It is good to have this type of insanity to take place during Tax Hell. Hopefully I won't have to actually take calls this year. New promotion and all and yet there's still that chance that it might be required. Grr.

I know it's just a superstition but some days all you want to do is hide

Is there an apococlypse that I've not been informed about? Seriously, people, the last two days are starting to scare me a little. I do not want my world to end on Friday the 13th.

Examples of things that have gone wrong or just make me think "What the pha?":

Example Number 1: So I had Chinese food for lunch yesterday. Yummy, yummy egg roll. I was so looking forward to it. I prepared the egg roll with the proper amount of soy sauce (mmm, soy sauce. I would drink soy sauce if it weren’t for the fact that excessive sodium makes me puff up like the StaPuff Marshmallow Man). I bit into the egg roll and then it happened.

Ka-boom! The egg roll exploded. Soy sauce and egg roll shrapnel ended up all over the front of my shirt. In a nice little line that said "Hey! I have boobs! Look! Look at them! Here is my cleavage. I know it's not much but still! Boobs!"

I tried to use this disaster to my benefit but was thwarted by Former Boss Matt.

FBM: How are you?
DM: Grr.
FBM: Okay.
DM: Look! Look at what happened!
FBM: Tries to keep from laughing. Fails.
DM: My egg roll attacked me. Can I go home?
FBM: Not yet.
DM: But! But attacking egg rolls! Come on.
FBM: Is your life in danger at this moment?
DM: Yes. There might be bees. Soy sauce loving bees.
FBM: Yeah, that's not going to work.

Example Number 2: I decided to read last Sunday's paper because it was Easter Sunday and therefore there were Peeps Dioramas. I despise Peeps as a candy/snack food/whatever the heck those little sugary things are considered but enjoy when they are used for pictures or dioramas. Some amusing websites have been found which leads to hysterical laughter (Peeps Research, Peeps Wedding, Peeps Using the Library).

DM: Bwahahahahahaha!
Co-worker Cindy: Dana, what are you laughing at?
DM: Peeps.
CWC: I knew it was Peeps. I just knew it.

A slide-show of the winning Dioramas from the Pioneer Press are here.

Anyway, this wasn't the weird thing. What was weird was the letter to Dear Abby.

Dear Abby:

One of my girlfriends, "Dana," broke up with her boyfriend, "Gil," last summer. Prior to the breakup, she obtained his computer password...yadda yadda yadda.

Anyway, apparently "Dana" has "Gil's" password and has been reading his email for the last six months. Anonymous in Michigan wanted to know if this could be considered stalking "Gil." Abby said yes.

I showed this to Beth at karaoke last night.

B: Oh my God. How weird that they chose those for fake names!
DM: I know! And I'm not stalking his email. I swear.

Some of you might remember that I used Gil as a fake name for James for the longest time. Gil stood for "Guy I like." So this was very strange to see this in the paper.

Example Number 3:

This morning a woman called wanting to confirm her sales request. I could see that she had done a sales request over our automated system. What I could not see is what happened to that request.

In a panic, I called our group of people who wait for people to call them with both serious and idiotic questions. Guess what my question was.

Co-worker Linda: Hi, Dana. What's up?
DM: I can't figure out what is going on with this account. Can you take a look at it?

Rattle off account number.

CWL: Okay, I have it.
DM: She did a sales request on Wednesday so it should have sold yesterday but I can't find the sale. What's going on?
CWL: Do you mean the sale for Big Health Organization employee stock purchase plan?
DM: Oh. Oh my GOD. I am such an idiot.

You see, stock here at NABABNA stock owner services has what we refer to issues. This woman had BHO common stock and BHO ESPP stock. I am frantically searching for her sale request in the common stock issue. Not even looking at the big flashing sign that is saying "HEY! Moron! Do you see here where it says she sold the ESPP stock? Right here?"

CWL: You got it now?
DM: Yeah. I'm going home.
CWL: Tries to keep from laughing out loud at me. Fails.

Example Number 4: A woman calls who owns stock in NABABNA. Not a lot of stock. She has an interesting question.

Seriously Deluded Lady: I just received my proxy card for NABABNA.
DM: Yes. How can I help you with that?

I am expecting a normal question like "How do I vote?" or "Why did I receive this?" I am not expecting what I got.

SDL: How do I get added to this?
DM: Excuse me?
SDL: How do I become a nominee?
DM: I'm not sure what you mean.
SDL: How do I get people to vote for me?
DM: Oh! Well, I'll have to look into that.

I call the group of people waiting for questions...etc.

CWL: Hi, Dana!
DM: Linda! I have a question. I am pretty sure I know the answer but I just wanted to check.
CWL: Okay.
DM: My stock holder wants to know how she gets put on the proxy card so people can vote for her. What do I tell her? I want to refer her to investor relations (we are not the same as investor relations but no one gets that).
CWL: She wants what?
DM: She wants people to vote for her and seems to think this is a perfectly normal question. I want to tell her "Uh, become a vice president or something" but that'd be wrong.
CWL: Refer her to investor relations.
DM: Cool. Thanks.

I go back to Seriously Deluded Lady.

DM: Thanks for holding. I will need to refer you to investor relations. Unfortunately, as the record keeper for the company, this isn't something we'd be able to assist you with.
SDL: You can't? I don't understand. You should be able to tell me that.
DM: I apologize but this really isn't something I can help you with.
SDL: Well, can I just write my name in?
DM: Uh, again, I don't know what you would need to do. You could certainly try that but I would suggest you talk to investor relations.
SDL: Fine.

I do not understand how a person who owns a whopping two shares of NABABNA stock seems to think she should be on the board of directors but hey, whatever, right?

The rest of the day was uneventful, thank goodness, except for learning that the IRS has given everyone until Tuesday to file their taxes. Great. Two more stupid days of tax season left. Yippie!

If you're not sure, that was actually sarcasm.

Found this on Patti's website and thought it was cool.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

And so it begins

Sunday night, while sitting at the Chalet, I started thinking about today and the inevitable horror that awaited me at work. Today is January 22nd, the unofficial beginning of the one thing that strikes fear into my heart (well, if you don't count spiral staircases, elevators, heights and vampires). Yes. Today is the first day of Tax Season. While there is an end in sight, it isn't for months. Months of the same question over and over again.

What's my cost basis?
What's my cost basis?
What's my cost basis?

I don't give a really bad word that starts with F. Maybe that is cold. Maybe it is even a bit crude. But I really don't.

To keep my mind off of the Hell, I am choosing to think Happy Thoughts. As a form of distraction, I began to remember my weekend. Beth picked me up on Friday night and we headed over to her place for the pursuit of scrappiness (oh, like I could resist the pun), otherwise known as scrapbooking. While I worked on the Sheepsheadian Gift Exchange of 2004 (I'm just a tad behind) & Beth worked on Split Rock Lighthouse, we reminisced, watched some South Park episodes and a CSI: episode I had missed.

The plan was for us to exchange gifts with Sarah on Saturday, she has become an honorary member of the Sheepsheadians. I was excited about the gifts I had found Sarah and couldn't wait to show them to Beth (This was easy enough for me to do because I am gift wrapping challenged. The whole concept of gift wrap perplexes me and, while I enjoy unwrapping presents, I do not enjoy wrapping them). Imagine my irritation when I realized that the two really cool picture frames I found for her were cracked. There would be no time to return to Target so I decided I would show them to Sarah and then take them back to Target to exchange them. Grr. Fortunately I liked the frames so much that I bought them for myself so I'll just give Sarah the ones I kept for myself on Thursday.

Saturday, Beth went to work and my plan was to catch up on blog reading. This did not work well. I am not used to typing on a laptop and found my comments filled with errors, especially since the pages would keep scrolling on me. I decided to give up and play a game Beth had introduced me to called Oasis. It seemed like an innocent enough game until I realized it was almost five hours later and Beth would be back in 20 minutes.

Sarah came over about an hour later and we exchanged gifts. She gave me the cutest snow globe with an angel in it and some paper and stickers for scrapbooking. She was pleased with her frames and laughed at me when I took the wrapping paper she gave me and hastily hid her presents from view. Beth gave me two pictures that I have wanted for awhile. One is of a yellow lily from the Como Park Conservatory. The other is the Robert Street Bridge which is right outside of my apartment. Beth took the picture with a longer exposure and so the car lights are a red blur. They are fantastic pictures and she also had them framed for me so I can't wait to hang them.

After watching another South Park episode, this one about World of Warcraft, we decided to play a board game. Sarah was telling us about a friend of hers who had a recent visitor to her home. Apparently the guy was there for a Scrabble tournament and had a few complaints. Her table was the wrong size for Scrabble (??!!?), he didn't like the television show she watched, etc. My viewpoint of this was that he was lucky he wasn't staying with Beth - she'd make him play Monopoly on the floor (the card table was filled with scrapbooking stuff).

Before we started, Beth mentioned that Monopoly was her favorite game as a child. Since I knew that Beth wanted to be a banker when she grew up, I should have realized that this was not the best game to play with her. She kicked our asses. Plus, I'm way too old (or fat (or both)) to be sitting on the floor.

We had decided to watch some movies while playing the game. I had bought Beth Disney's Robin Hood, a movie she had requested (I also bought both her and Sarah some brightly patterned mechanical pencils and post it notes with an inspirational quote from Helen Keller (Horrible but funny comment from Beth "Once Helen Keller learned how to talk, she sure didn't shut up, did she?")). I was a little worried when I saw that Sarah had presented Beth with Disney's The Fox and the Hound.

I protested the watching of The Fox and the Hound because I get very upset when Copper tells Tod they'll always be friends. The last time I saw this movie was with Matt and we were both shouting "Liar!" at the TV. Apparently I had blocked out the traumatic beginning when the mother fox is carrying Tod in her mouth, trying to outrun the hunters. You see the owl watching her hide the baby fox and then she runs off screen and the next thing you hear is a gun shot.

It is here where I let out a wail somewhat like this "Owowwwooooo." Beth and Sarah look at each other and Beth quickly grabbed the remote. "Okay!" she said in that cheerful tone used to soothe insane people "Let's watch Hook instead!"

"Can I have some Kleenex?" I ask pathetically. "I bubbled." I am holding my hand over my nose like a child, tears rolling down my face. Surprisingly enough, they laughed at me. Hook was started and I was caught up in Peter Pan's fight against Captain Hook. I can see why this is one of Beth's favorite movies. I've seen it before but it was a long time ago so it was fun remembering scenes I'd always enjoyed. Dustin Hoffman is a fantastic actor.

Sunday Beth and I went to karaoke (shock!) and had a good time. Beth wrote a fun post about some of the people we saw. I definitely enjoyed seeing Anthony again. He is attractive and even eats popcorn in a sexy manner. Plus, it is nice to see young adults interact with each other in a nice, normal fashion that doesn't involve trying to suck each other's lips off (God, that statement made me feel old).

After karaoke, we sat around and discussed why Disney hates children (the majority of the movies have either one or both parents dead) and other topics. It was a great weekend and kept my mind off of Tax Season.

So far I have received a total of 8 calls regarding cost basis. Not bad. I am expecting the numbers to escalate. I am not sure why I felt the need to track this but hey, I already keep track of the wrong names people call me (strangest one to date is Kimstana), why not this as well?

Hope you all had a good weekend!

We interrupt this tax season to bring you this special message

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I hate tax season. Hate it. Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. Hatie McHate Hate.

We are busy. I see no chance to finish my post about my birthday today. Please do not hate me.

I also see no chance to read any of the blogs I have neglected in the last week any time soon. Again, please do not hate me.

But I do bring you an exciting new quiz that reveals that I am, as we all knew, kind of a freak. Thanks to Beth for this (apparently she got this from Teri. Sorry, Teri. But really, do you expect me to remember these details? Don't answer that).

Mostly Calvin You are 80% Calvin and 20% Hobbes

Your inner Calvin often prevails, but, as in the image below, you have a significant Hobbesian component. I'm going to try to stretch the visual metaphor here: you have a good head on your shoulders, but when you don't use it, your crazy body gets you in trouble? Does that work? Odds are you're impulsive and imaginative, but it's possible you've collected just enough wisdom to hold your most anti-social urges in check. Most of the time. It's a precarious balance, like a boy on one foot with a tiger head.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 95% on calvin You scored higher than 1% on hobbes

Link: The Calvin Or Hobbes Test written by gwendolynbooks on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test