All my bags are packed and I'm ready to go

Except that my bags aren't packed yet and I have no idea where I'm going.

So Keem and I have been planning to go see Jeff (former roommate) for months. Since he moved out last year. We actually made the request for time off in January, barely minutes after they said "Hey, you can request your time off for the year." My vacation starts officially at 3:30 PM Thursday, May 3rd.

At this point, Keem and I do not know where we are going. We have been waiting to hear from Jeff about when the best time would be to see him in Colorado (we figured we'd drive around the Denver area on the days he was working and spend quality time with him when he wasn't) but at last notice, something was going on and he was up in the air as to when that best time would be. Today is, as you may have noticed, April 30th. Something tells me we're not going to Denver, Toto.

Our thoughts are this. We're driving. Somewhere. We don't know where. Thoughts include Duluth. Itasca State Park (because I really want to walk across the Mississippi River again (the last time I was 7 or 8 or somewhere around there) that is somewhere up in North Minnesota. Brainerd. Madison. Milwaukee. Ann Arbor (mainly because Keem said there was a planetarium and I like planets. But Liz said we shouldn't go there and we should go to Chicago with Beth next year).

Pretty much I think we're going to get into the car and find a major highway and say "left or right" and then go either left or right.

I think Duluth and Madison/Milwaukee are our two main stops. I want to go to Ella's Deli again. My boyfriend Dave (when I was living in Madison, people, this is not a new development) took me there once and I loved the place. Of course. It was bright and shiny and there is a carousel. Plus the best tuna fish/cream cheese on a bagel sandwich I have ever had in my life.

We come back on May 12th or 13th. Beth is less than pleased with me because I am going to be missing 3 nights of karaoke. I'm also not going to be blogging unless we come across a place that has computers. I won't even be reading blogs. I'm not sure how I'm going to survive this separation from all of you but hey, I'll be on the road, with one of my best friends, driving her insane. Examples of things that will drive Keem insane:

• Are we there yet?
• Um, I have to go to the bathroom and you just passed the last rest stop for 40 miles.
• ZZZZZZZZZ (that would be me snoring because I fell asleep).
• Ooh! Let's go there (this will be followed by Keem saying "What is there? Where is it?" and I will say "I don't know. It just looked like fun.")
• Can I drive?
• I'm bored. You never let me do anything fun (in response to the above bullet point).

Expect lots of pictures when I get back.

Oh, for Teri, who seems to have thought I have forgotten about the whole Craig/James love thing.

Craig has a thing for Beth. Beth does not return his affections. This is a good thing because if she did, I think I would have to hit her. James likes to mock Craig because it is fun.

Anyway, a couple of Sundays ago, Craig got up to sing some song. It doesn't really matter what it was. But James, being the smart ass that we love and adore, had to, well, be a smart ass.

J: What are you going to sing to me, Craig?
C: Nothing! And don't you be writing me notes like a love struck teenager!

I grab my notebook and start writing the following (picture will follow eventually).

Dear Craig,

I love you like a love struck teenager.

Love,

Then I handed it to James and told him to sign it. After much arguing, he did (James: What? DM: Sign it. James: Okay).

I flung the paper down to where Craig was sitting and John* (who was sitting between Beth and Craig, much to her relief) put it on top of his stuff.

*John, by the way, is this guy that I had a slight, tiny, little crush on, mainly because he is smart and doesn’t creep me out the way that Craig does, even though he is kind of lumpy looking and has an unfortunate hair cut. He also is gay, something I thankfully found out before I embarrassed myself completely by getting drunk some night and comparing him to the Flash.

DM: John’s gay.
B: Yep.
DM: He's more fun to talk to now that we know he's gay.
B: Yeah. Because we can talk to him about boys.
DM: I know!*

*You'll all be happy to know that, while Keanu Reeves acting skills were called into question, the opinion is that, as long as he takes off his shirt, none of us care. This is about when Craig said "Oh my God, shut up about men already!" He was probably jealous because he does not look like Keanu Reeves, David Duchovny or whatever other guys we were discussing.

Craig comes back, sits down and sees the note.

C: What's this?
John: Looks like a love note.
C: Did you put him up to this?

He is looking in my direction.

DM: Hee hee hee hee hee (this would be me dissolving into giggles).

Well, none of us can leave it there, of course. James keeps asking Craig about their "love." Craig tells him to do something in some sort of slang that may or may not be English but none of us know that because we live in America and so does Craig for the last TWENTY YEARS! And besides, he claims to be Scottish so perhaps he should be using Scottish slang instead of English slang that might have been popular in the Fifties.

I console James because his love has been rejected. Craig is about ready to hit us all. With the stupid baton/beating stick thing he carries around. Apparently to prove he's a man, I guess.

John grabs the note and writes XXXOOOXXX on it.

John: If I had red lipstick right now, I would kiss this.
DM: Ooh! I have lipstick. It's not red but it'll work.

I slather my lipstick on (I was hoping John would do the lipstick but no, he didn't. Of course I had to. The sacrifices I make for good blogging material) and plant a big kiss on the paper. Then I grab the perfume roll-on I am carrying around for some reason* and wheel the applicator across the paper.

*I don't typically wear makeup or perfume but I will buy it. I figure I am girly enough to like buying it but not girly enough to go through the hassle of putting the stuff on.

DM: There. Now it's scented. Scented with James's love.

This made Liz laugh. That is akin with making Bryan tell me I did a good job singing. While Liz laughs at me alot, this was really the first time it was "Hey, that was damn funny" instead of "Oh my God, you're such a freak, I am laughing to keep you from stabbing me." I can tell the difference between her laughs*.

*Okay, sometimes she does this "Heh" sound which is "You have amused me." This was the first time that it was full laugh. Don't ask. I'm weird. You should have figured this out already.

Later on, after the laughter about the love letter has passed, John is telling us about the car accident he was in.

John: And then I was in a car accident and the fire department was the first to arrive and...
Liz: You were in a car accident? Was anyone hurt?
DM (at the same time as Liz): There was a fireman? Was he cute?
John (to Liz): No, I'm fine. No one else was hurt.
John (to DM): Yes. Very.
DM: Did you get his phone number?
John: No.
DM: Why not? I have to live vicariously through someone since the whole Craig/James thing doesn't seem to be working out.*

Random Movie Review - Night at the Museum

Hello. Last night Keem and I made a trip to Target where we purchased TV Trays (so I can play with beads and hopefully make an anklet that will fit around my gigantic swollen ankle (have I mentioned that sometimes I hate being a woman, especially when that sometimes lasts forever because of the BLOODY HELL I am dealing with? Fortunately my doctor called in a prescription for Provera for me so I don't have to worry about this for another year or so (hopefully. Please God. Are hysterectomies really all that bad?)) because it is finally SPRING! and that means I can wear capris. All the time).

As we headed to the check out lane, I saw the afforementioned Night at the Museum and convinced Keem we must have it (this was easy because she also wanted to see it). So, last night, after dragging the extremely heavy TV Trays up to the apartment, we decided to watch the movie.

As you know, no movie is complete without popcorn (well, for most of us) and Keem prepared the popcorn with cinnamon and sugar (me) and cheese and parmesan (her). Keem is the best cook in the world, just in case you did not know this. I am not.

The basic plot of the movie is that Larry Daley (Ben Stiller) is kind of a loser and can't hold a job and this is causing stress for his ex-wife because she is worried that their son can't handle any more disappointment from Larry's get-rich-quick schemes (example: he invented the "Snapper" which, of course, doesn't get much attention because the "Clapper" is already out there) and the fact that he is constantly moving because he doesn't have any money. As we all know, landlords, for some odd reason, expect to get paid rent or they will evict you. Crazy but true.

Anyway, Larry, realizing that his kid is starting to follow in the footsteps of his somewhat annoying step-father Rob or Bob or something (not really important, he's a bond trader. Who cares? Oh, it's Don. Oops) and so he goes to an employment agency where he is told he is pretty much a loser by the employment agency lady (small part but she is very funny) and the only job he might be able to land is as night watchman at a (wait for it) museum.

The previous watchmen are all being fired because the museum isn't making a lot of money and so there is some time spent with Dick Van Dyke, Mickey Rooney (I thought he was dead but apparently not (Keem: How old is Mickey Rooney? DM: 5,000 years old. Keem: He looks pretty good for his age)) and some other guy that I didn't recognize. Let's consult IMDB. Bill Cobbs. No clue. He looked familiar. They think Larry is perfect for the job. There is some sort of dun duh dah music playing which we know means Larry is in for some sort of trouble.

And boy howdy, is he ever (I do not know where the boy howdy came from)! Starting with a T-Rex who wants to play fetch (absolutely adorable), a really annoying monkey, man-eating lions, mini-people who try to kill him by running a model train into his head & Atilla accompanied by other Huns, Larry finds himself a little out of his element. Fortunately, there is Teddy Roosevelt, aptly played by Robin Williams, who comes to his rescue.

I'm not going to give anymore away but I have to tell you that I loved this movie (okay, big shock, I know. I like pretty much all of them) - there was comedy, adventure & action. There was a good message delivered & touching scenes of love, familial & romantic. Ben Stiller was great. There were some hot guys (Octavius & Ahkmenrah come to mind. And Owen Wilson played a cowboy) and a pretty decent plot. I would say if you get the chance, you should check it out.

Anyway, back to work now. Tax season is done (thank God) & things have slowed down a little bit but I'm on a deadline for some other projects. Hope you all have a great day. And thanks, by the way, for your thoughts on my last post. I appreciated it.

On Tears and Joy

Years ago, when I worked for Majors* Department Store, I met this really cool woman named Elaine and her daughter, Lisa. Elaine is probably one of the greatest women you will ever meet and always felt like a surrogate mother to me and many others. She is bright and funny and she raised a kick-ass daughter.

*Fake name.

Elaine suffered from a massive stroke this weekend. The left side of her brain hemorraghed. I received a call from Lisa this morning and was told that Elaine has passed on but it was very peaceful.

Before Elaine left us, I was able to spend some time with her at the hospice and I have to say that this was probably one of the most uplifting experiences I have ever had. The room was filled with family and friends and I was able to connect with old friends and meet possible new ones. We sat there, talking with each other, laughing and remembering. There was flirtation with a Jimmy John's manager by one of the women. There was jewelry being made, cross-stitch and rug hooking in progress and it felt so much like a craft night among friends.

We talked to Elaine, remembering past experiences and talking about new ones. We told her it was time to go and how much we loved her. We decided that there would not be a traditional funeral but we would go out and have drinks and maybe go sing karaoke (one woman said "And we can take Elaine with us, after all, she is being cremated"). There would be no dark colors, only bright ones in celebration of Elaine.

And while I am sad that this beautiful woman is no longer with us, I am glad that she has moved on and will be watching over all of us.

I hope you are all well. If I haven't mentioned it lately, I'm quite fond of all of you.

Notes from karaoke 4/15/07

And I think to myself this guy can't sing

"It's A Wonderful World" is being sung by a guy in a jean jacket with a hair style frightfully close to being a mullet. When he first entered The Chalet, he said "I thought there was karaoke going on" in a fairly high voice. So it is a little disconcerting to hear him attempt to do the low growly voice. Beth and I have exchanged several telepathic looks. Pretty much we are letting each other know "Oh dear God, I'm scared now."

Playing Trivial Pursuit with Beth

DM: What type of craft was the Super Chicken III, the first of its ilk to cross North America non-stop?
B: A chicken sled?
DM: No but now I'm imagining this sled being led by chickens. Mush!
B: What was it?
DM: Oh. A balloon.

It's the Ken Show!

Ken is a cowboy (cowboy hat, tight jeans (tight in all the right places), shiny belt buckle). Since Beth and I are in no hurry to sing, Bryan has Ken just standing on stage and singing. Country songs. Kind of hot country songs.

B: He's good.
DM: And cute.
B: Nice jeans.
DM: Nice belt buckle pointing to the package.
B: That's not why I was looking at the jeans.
DM: I have no shame.*

*I don't believe that's exactly what I said but since she told me several times that I was staring and one step away from drooling, "I have no shame" pretty much sums it up. Also, Beth likes jeans because they emphasize muscular thighs. I like jeans because they emphasize other things (rear ends, mainly). Although Ken had nice thighs. Oh, hell, Ken had nice everything.

B: I have just realized that I live in the wrong state to have a thing for cowboys.*

*I never would have thought she did but she adores Clint Eastwood and her favorite fictional character is Roland from Stephen King's Gunslinger books and Roland is somewhat based on Clint Eastwood. Now myself? I just have a thing for men. But there is something about a cowboy, isn't there?

Where do they come up with these drink names?

I finally decide to go up and sing. Ken was using the mike stand and I stand in front of it. The microphone is right above eye level for me. I look at Bryan. He laughs and lowers the stand.

DM: Ooh. I've never used the mike stand before. I might cradle the mike.*

*We had a discussion one night about Steve Perry and his urge to cradle the microphone like a lover.

Bryan: Really.
DM: Yes.
B: Are you going to dance?
DM: Maybe. I might make some hand gestures. Interpretive dancing.

A random man at the bar speaks.

RM: Bobby, can I get a double shot of honey ham?

What? I look at Beth. The beginning notes to "Give Me One Reason" start. Just as I am about to open my mouth and sing, I dissolve into giggles.

DM: Did he just say honey ham?

Beth nods. She appears to be as amused as I am. I turn to Bryan.

DM: Yeah, can we try this again?

While I didn't do hand gestures, that didn't stop others from interpretive dance

Beth wrote this.

"A woman is singing "If I Could Turn Back Time." She doesn't sound a bit like Cher but has a take on the look and may have practiced the movements."

This woman has the plain, kind of horsey look, long black hair and is actually performing some sort of dance moves. There was hair flipping as well.

I think this may have been about the Cher wannabe but I don't remember. It'll work here.

B: Maybe she's dyslexic and is reading the notes wrong.
DM: But the notes aren't on the screen.
B: I know but maybe they're in her head. Maybe she's dyslexic and has a photographic memory.

I think there's a secret reason this show is called Pride

Pride (spelled with a lightning bolt in place of the I) is playing on the big screen. Pride appears to be boxing with a bit of ultimate fighting thrown in. It really doesn't make much sense but then neither Beth or I are fans so maybe that explains why it doesn't make sense. However, you do find your eyes drawn to the screen, usually in horror or amusement.

B: Come on! Put your crotch on his head. That seems to be the object of this game.

So, so true. In each of the matches before, both boxers/ultimate fighters/whatever the heck they are would end up slamming each other to the ground and flipping around. Heads were in groins. Groins were in heads. Groins were in groins. It was very disturbing, especially when the little Chinese guy was body slammed by the really big white guy.*

*Now I see nothing wrong with guy on guy action. In fact, I enjoy watching attractive men kiss (totally hot. I figure if the average guy loves the idea of woman on woman action, then I am obviously an average woman. Right? Right? How come no one ever agrees with this theory?). But these were not attractive men. These were scary looking men.

Exactly what note were you looking for there? Because you did not find it.

A woman is singing "black Velvet." I am not sure but I think the best way to describe this is Kermit on mood-altering chemicals after a sex change. Completely monotone until you get to the very end and then she sang the final "If you please" about 3 octaves above her normal range.

B: I heard that in the bathroom.
DM: I think they may have heard that in the next county.*

*Again, I'm not really sure that I said this but I was thinking it and it is my blog so there!

There will be pictures from this night, well, one picture. I will present this picture when I can make sure that I can formulate the perfect words to tell the story of a love so true, it transcends the ages. It is beautiful. Inspiring. It's between Craig (Beret Craig) and James (yes. That James). And that's all I'm leaving you with for now. Because I am evil. Hee.

I know it's just a superstition but some days all you want to do is hide

Is there an apococlypse that I've not been informed about? Seriously, people, the last two days are starting to scare me a little. I do not want my world to end on Friday the 13th.

Examples of things that have gone wrong or just make me think "What the pha?":

Example Number 1: So I had Chinese food for lunch yesterday. Yummy, yummy egg roll. I was so looking forward to it. I prepared the egg roll with the proper amount of soy sauce (mmm, soy sauce. I would drink soy sauce if it weren’t for the fact that excessive sodium makes me puff up like the StaPuff Marshmallow Man). I bit into the egg roll and then it happened.

Ka-boom! The egg roll exploded. Soy sauce and egg roll shrapnel ended up all over the front of my shirt. In a nice little line that said "Hey! I have boobs! Look! Look at them! Here is my cleavage. I know it's not much but still! Boobs!"

I tried to use this disaster to my benefit but was thwarted by Former Boss Matt.

FBM: How are you?
DM: Grr.
FBM: Okay.
DM: Look! Look at what happened!
FBM: Tries to keep from laughing. Fails.
DM: My egg roll attacked me. Can I go home?
FBM: Not yet.
DM: But! But attacking egg rolls! Come on.
FBM: Is your life in danger at this moment?
DM: Yes. There might be bees. Soy sauce loving bees.
FBM: Yeah, that's not going to work.

Example Number 2: I decided to read last Sunday's paper because it was Easter Sunday and therefore there were Peeps Dioramas. I despise Peeps as a candy/snack food/whatever the heck those little sugary things are considered but enjoy when they are used for pictures or dioramas. Some amusing websites have been found which leads to hysterical laughter (Peeps Research, Peeps Wedding, Peeps Using the Library).

DM: Bwahahahahahaha!
Co-worker Cindy: Dana, what are you laughing at?
DM: Peeps.
CWC: I knew it was Peeps. I just knew it.

A slide-show of the winning Dioramas from the Pioneer Press are here.

Anyway, this wasn't the weird thing. What was weird was the letter to Dear Abby.

Dear Abby:

One of my girlfriends, "Dana," broke up with her boyfriend, "Gil," last summer. Prior to the breakup, she obtained his computer password...yadda yadda yadda.

Anyway, apparently "Dana" has "Gil's" password and has been reading his email for the last six months. Anonymous in Michigan wanted to know if this could be considered stalking "Gil." Abby said yes.

I showed this to Beth at karaoke last night.

B: Oh my God. How weird that they chose those for fake names!
DM: I know! And I'm not stalking his email. I swear.

Some of you might remember that I used Gil as a fake name for James for the longest time. Gil stood for "Guy I like." So this was very strange to see this in the paper.

Example Number 3:

This morning a woman called wanting to confirm her sales request. I could see that she had done a sales request over our automated system. What I could not see is what happened to that request.

In a panic, I called our group of people who wait for people to call them with both serious and idiotic questions. Guess what my question was.

Co-worker Linda: Hi, Dana. What's up?
DM: I can't figure out what is going on with this account. Can you take a look at it?

Rattle off account number.

CWL: Okay, I have it.
DM: She did a sales request on Wednesday so it should have sold yesterday but I can't find the sale. What's going on?
CWL: Do you mean the sale for Big Health Organization employee stock purchase plan?
DM: Oh. Oh my GOD. I am such an idiot.

You see, stock here at NABABNA stock owner services has what we refer to issues. This woman had BHO common stock and BHO ESPP stock. I am frantically searching for her sale request in the common stock issue. Not even looking at the big flashing sign that is saying "HEY! Moron! Do you see here where it says she sold the ESPP stock? Right here?"

CWL: You got it now?
DM: Yeah. I'm going home.
CWL: Tries to keep from laughing out loud at me. Fails.

Example Number 4: A woman calls who owns stock in NABABNA. Not a lot of stock. She has an interesting question.

Seriously Deluded Lady: I just received my proxy card for NABABNA.
DM: Yes. How can I help you with that?

I am expecting a normal question like "How do I vote?" or "Why did I receive this?" I am not expecting what I got.

SDL: How do I get added to this?
DM: Excuse me?
SDL: How do I become a nominee?
DM: I'm not sure what you mean.
SDL: How do I get people to vote for me?
DM: Oh! Well, I'll have to look into that.

I call the group of people waiting for questions...etc.

CWL: Hi, Dana!
DM: Linda! I have a question. I am pretty sure I know the answer but I just wanted to check.
CWL: Okay.
DM: My stock holder wants to know how she gets put on the proxy card so people can vote for her. What do I tell her? I want to refer her to investor relations (we are not the same as investor relations but no one gets that).
CWL: She wants what?
DM: She wants people to vote for her and seems to think this is a perfectly normal question. I want to tell her "Uh, become a vice president or something" but that'd be wrong.
CWL: Refer her to investor relations.
DM: Cool. Thanks.

I go back to Seriously Deluded Lady.

DM: Thanks for holding. I will need to refer you to investor relations. Unfortunately, as the record keeper for the company, this isn't something we'd be able to assist you with.
SDL: You can't? I don't understand. You should be able to tell me that.
DM: I apologize but this really isn't something I can help you with.
SDL: Well, can I just write my name in?
DM: Uh, again, I don't know what you would need to do. You could certainly try that but I would suggest you talk to investor relations.
SDL: Fine.

I do not understand how a person who owns a whopping two shares of NABABNA stock seems to think she should be on the board of directors but hey, whatever, right?

The rest of the day was uneventful, thank goodness, except for learning that the IRS has given everyone until Tuesday to file their taxes. Great. Two more stupid days of tax season left. Yippie!

If you're not sure, that was actually sarcasm.

Found this on Patti's website and thought it was cool.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Maybe I'm adopted

Old, old post that I never finished. I've been sick (I just love being so sick that I end up throwing up in the bathtub because, well, never mind why) and sore (heel and knee which I get but why did I wake up today feeling like I had been camping (never again, unless there is a hotel involved) and slept on a bed of rocks) so I don't have a lot of words. Hope you all had a good Easter. Keem made ham. I am looking forward to eating it for supper tonight. Anyway, this took place on March 20th but I had to change the date, of course. I promise I'll have something new soon. Possibly new pictures of Eddy because, you know, he is my child. And Keem's.

DM: Your cat is a dork. Eddy, tell your mom you're a dork.
Keem: He's not my cat. He's your cat.
DM: Yes, but he has two moms.

Pause.

DM: I should probably never say that at work, huh? There are enough rumors.
Keem (laughing): Yeah, good idea.

So after my doctor's appointment on Friday, Eric had to drop me off at his house because he had to go to work and pick up the van. In other words, he dumped me on Kari. I was starving so I wandered into the kitchen to see what there was to eat. My mother is sitting there, acting like I did as a teenager - "Good luck. There's nothing to eat in this house."

I open the refrigerator. Ooh! Cheese. I am quite fond of cheese.

DM: Can I have some cheese?
Kari: Yes.
DM: Can I have all of the cheese?
Mom: Why? Why do you want all of the cheese?
DM: Uh, because I like cheese?

Honestly. What does she think I'm going to say here? Because I want to rub it all over my body and sing a song of praise to the Cheese Gods?

I start slicing some cheese. I get to three pieces and am just about to put the rest of the cheese away.

Mom: That's enough.
DM: Uh, yeah. I know.

She gives me the Mom look, the look that says "Dana, you are too fat and stop eating all of the cheese because that's why but I love you and I don't want you to think that I don't love you unconditionally so I will try to guilt you into losing weight. It's been 25 years since I started this. You'd think I'd realize this doesn't work."

DM: Back off, woman. I've got a knife.

I can hear Eric just rolling with laughter in the living room as I slap together a turkey, cheese and mustard sandwich on white bread. White bread. I do not understand my sister. Everyone knows that the best breads are full of fiber and nutty goodness (I am fond of Brownberry's Health Nut. Mmm).

As I eat my sandwich, I let Mom and Kari know about the lovely trip to the doctor and how I am just a few steps away from Hoverounding my way through life (Yes, yes, I know it's not that bad but I am quite fond of creative exaggeration). It is then time to see Josh's new bunk beds and spend quality time with him. This involved playing that I am going to get him on the top bunk bed and then he will push me over to the bottom bunk bed and also lying on Mommy and Daddy's bed while he bounces around me as though the bed is a trampoline. He's quite good at it as well. We also pretended that he was Diego* and I was a wounded animal and he was going to help me feel better.

*Speaking of Diego, a few days before we went to the opera, I was speaking to my mother.

DM: So Kari told you were going to go to the show with us, right?
Mom: Why isn't Kari going?
DM: Because she thought you would like it better.
Mom: Well, why doesn't she go with us?
DM: Because we don't have enough tickets. There's only one ticket.
Mom: Well, that's not what she told me.
DM: What did she tell you?
Mom: That Josh would enjoy it.
DM: Josh isn't going. Why would we take Josh to the opera?*
Mom: I don't know. That's what Kari said.
DM: That doesn't make any sense.
Mom: What's it called.
DM: The Mikado.
Mom: What's it about?
DM (not having a clue): Um, Japanese people?
Mom: I thought she was Hispanic.
DM: Who?
Mom: That girl.
DM: What girl?
Mom: On the books that I buy for Josh.

Clarity comes in one shining moment.

DM: Mom. Why would I go to an opera about Dora the Explorer?
Mom: I have no idea. That's what I'm trying to figure out.
DM: I'm thinking you're going to see that with Kari and Josh. This is with Beth, Keem and myself.
Mom: Okay.

*While my nephew is quite brilliant, I'm waiting until he's six to start him on Shakespeare and opera. I think that's an appropriate age, don't you?

Fun with drunk people and other tales from karaoke

Last night, being Sunday, Beth and I journeyed to our specific church, the Church of the Angry Frankenstein Monsters (well, that's what it was last year. I'm not sure what Bryan has decided our new church's name should be for this year) for some special karaoke hijinks (I love the word hijinks. I love the way it looks with the i-j-i. The three dots makes me happy for some reason).

Angie was there and we hadn't seen her for awhile so there was a chance to get updates. I had my head turned (can't hear unless I'm looking directly at people if there is a lot of background noise) and so didn't catch the whole update but apparently the sex? It is good (she's dating someone new). She brought her co-worker and friend Jessica with her to celebrate Jessica's 21st birthday. Great. Another person who could be my kid.

Angie (to me): You look great.
DM: What kind of drugs are you on?
Angie and Jessica: Percoset!

Angie's having some kidney problems and has been provided with drugs that seem to help. What would be more helpful is if the doctors could figure out what was wrong.

As the evening progressed, Jessica proceeded to become more and more intoxicated. Not sloppy drunk, thank goodness, just kind of silly.

Bryan: Why are you looking at me? Why?
B (Beth): Because we hang on every word you say.
Jessica: And every beat you (pause) box.

Sara (not Sara with an H. Sara "You're so pretty" Sara (we tell her this and it drives her nuts) was there, wearing her "Tell your boyfriend to stop calling me" tank top.

Jessica: I knew that was Sara. I recognized her boobs.
DM: Yeah, if I had Sara's boobs, I'd be flaunting them as well.
Angie: So would I.
DM: Oh, shut up (the girl has a nice rack (hey, sometimes I channel my inner straight man)).
Ryan: Yeah, they were out in full force last night.
Bryan: I thought you were talking about a group and then I realized you just meant Sara.

Sara was singing this song by somebody (Fleetwood Mac? I think?) and Jessica looked amazed.

Jessica: I was just singing this song in my head in the bathroom! I'm psychic when I'm drunk.

Please excuse me while I chuckle over this again.

Bryan tried a new drink.

Bryan: Don't drink Jim Beam Black. You can give the money to a homeless man and have him kick you in the stomach. It's the same feeling.

Pause.

Bryan: My mouth is frothy.

Girl after my own heart. She really could be my kid.

Jessica: Don't you love me? I love me.

Later Bryan was exchanging words with Sara, telling her to come up and sing.

Bryan: Strumpet!

Pause.

Bryan: Strumpet? I have Shakespearean Tourettes.

Shannon was also there. Shannon is very pretty, a hair stylist (another person who has told me "Please! For the love of GOD! Do not cut your own hair. I don't even cut my own hair!) who I like a lot but she is, well, a bit bossy. Funny as heck but bossy. She wanted Bryan to sing Purple Rain (because he's so damn good at it and hi-larious).

Bryan: Dana (calling me up to sing).
DM: I'm going to pass so you can sing Purple Rain.
B: Wow! She didn't say Candy Man (well, the man does the best imitation of Sammy Davis Jr but he did sing it on my birthday so I am trying not to be greedy).
Bryan: But I'm not going to sing.
DM: You have to. Shannon scares me.
B (gives me the Beth look): Who scares you more?
DM: I'm going to go sing now.

Bryan did give into pressure and sang Purple Rain. He decided he was going to mess it up so we'd never ask for it again. His plan backfired.

Bryan: Purple Rain - Comma - Purple Rain Dot dot dot Purple Rain - Comma - ooh Exclamation Point

There are no words to explain how funny listening to him sing every bit of punctuation in this song was. He is so brilliant and managed to fit it in there and be in tune. Amazing.

After he was done:

Bryan: Dana.
DM: 100 hyphen 12.
Bryan: Thank you for putting in the hyphen.
DM: You're welcome.

So you're all aware of the Chicken Conspiracy that Beth started, right? Well, Thursday she picked me up for karaoke. I get in the car. I say hello to her but I'm putting my seatbelt on so don't look at her yet. Suddenly I hear this weird little voice.

B: Hello.

I turn and look at her. She is wearing a chicken mask.

DM: Oh my GOD!

There may have been jumping. Anyway, said chicken mask is going to being hung up in my cubicle and I have just received permission to take pictures of my cubicle so you can see exactly how I have chosen to fill the walls here. Believe me when I say I use every possible ounce of space to fill with non-work related things - such as frogs and magnets and my piggy bank Pig and comic strips and lots and lots of political stuff. Take that, Republicans!

Do you know how embarrassed I am that there will be a GOP convention here and that the city is planning on making fancy new roofs and then stealing the pigeon eggs? Because apparently pigeons offend the Rupublicans. Stupid Republicans. Pigeons are kind of cute. Because they are birds. And birds are our friends.

DM: I kind of want to blow up the place where they're having their convention (but I don't know where it is so that might be a problem (And I have no access to blowing up things so that's also a problem (that and I really can't kill people. That is wrong))). Is that wrong?
Mike: Well, I'm not going to be in the building so I'm okay with it.

Oh, anyway, I'm slightly off tangent (big shock there) and I was going to talk about all of the chicken songs that we sang. It was awesome.

I sang "Passionate Kisses" and substituted "Chickens" for "Kisses."
Angie and Bryan sang "I Had the Time of My Life" and used "Chicken" several times.
Beth put chicken in a few songs.

Sara: Enough with the chickens!

Welcome to my world, Sara. Now I just go with it. Although Keem does bug me with the sneaking up on me and yelling "Chicken." Grr.

Easter Sunday is next week so that means there will be the substitution of "Jesus" for "Baby" because at the Chalet, our job is to educate people about new religious choices. Stay tuned for a list of the songs we sing. Oh, and pictures from Sunday night as well (yeah, yeah, it's Thursday. What's your point? I'm only a little late).