Tuesday, April 26, 2005

It's Jewish Karaoke

Last night Beth and I went to Johnny's synogouge for Seder. I've always been fascinated by different religions and thought that this would be a great experience and was correct in that assumption.

Beth and I have been laughing over the fact that when people in Portugal see me, they immediately start talking to me in Portuguese but when they see Beth, right away they know that she is not a native. For example, standing in line at the oceanario (oceanarium) two days ago, a guard started talking to me and I had no clue what she was saying. She then said "You can use the elevator. Take it to the 2nd floor." Which was her tactful way of saying "We don't want to be held responsible when you have a heart attack, walking up 2 flights of stairs. Please take the elevator so you don't die." Bless her. Because those stairs were steep and I probably would have collapsed.

When Beth got up to the counter, the woman took one look at her and said "English?"

After leaving the oceanarium, we went to Pizza Hut (yes, laugh, but we were starving and didn't have Johnny as an interpreter) and decided to sit in the restaurant. Thank God for non-verbal communication, we were able to tell the non-English speaking host exactly what we wanted by making gestures and nodding rapidly when we recognized a word. Our waitress spoke English and she was wonderful. When we were trying to figure out what a certain dessert was and she couldn't tell us, she found someone who was able to explain that it was 4 cream puffs covered in hot chocolate sauce and served with ice cream.

Apparently tipping is not common in Portugal. Johnny had explained this to us but it really hit home when the waitress came back to collect our Euros and we told her the change was for her. Our bill came to about 32 Euros and we gave her 35. Our tip was just a little over 15%, not a big deal for us, especially when you figure we will usually give Bobby a $20 for a $3.50 bill. She got the biggest smile on her face when she asked "For me?" and we said sim.

Yesterday we were off to take the Elevador de Gloria funicular, a tram or trolley. We stopped at a store selling post cards where I spent 22.50 on post cards. Crazy, right? But they will be wonderful for scrapbooking. We then decided to go to the Hard Rock cafe and figured someone there would be able to direct us to the funicular. Our waiter was very nice and started speaking in Portuguese to me but quickly switched to English. There was a waitress who amused us by walking by our table and singing along to the videos playing on the monitor next to us. We have some great pictures of her posing with us.

I told the waiter that the food was muito bem (very good) and he complimented me on my Portuguese and asked me how I had learned it. I explained that it was American TV with subtitles. Thank God for CSI: I know a lot of the words but have no clue how to pronouce them, a fact that has moved Johnny to laughter. She has tried to correct my accent but there is no way I can say things the way she does in Portuguese.

At the Seder, Johnny translated what the Rabbi was saying. The service was a combination of Hebrew and Portuguese, both beautiful languages. The story of the Jews leaving Egypt was told. There was a lot of singing in Hebrew and of course Beth and I have no clue how to read Hebrew. We were able to translate a lot of the Portuguese so we got the gist of what we were singing.

At one point, Johnny grabbed a napkin and wrote down the words that we were singing. As she handed them to us, she said "It's Jewish karaoke." We had a great laugh over that.

We ate lettuce dipped in salty water to remember the sacrifices that the Jews made and matzah (unleavened bread). The matzah was quite tasty (if you like cardboard) and then there was the realization that it was matzah from either a year or two years ago. Fresh matzah was brought out. It still tasted like cardboard. But it was fresh cardboard.

We then put lettuce between two matzah pieces. Beth said "It's a sandwich." Johnny told us that the Jews created sandwiches. Beth whispered to me later that the sandwich needed bacon. I was worried that someone would hear us but then Johnny later told us that the guys sitting next to her were making Pork jokes. If only we knew Portuguese! That would have been fun to hear.

All in all, it was a great experience. I really enjoyed the singing, it was wonderful sitting in the room and feeling the presence of God. Some might think that, as a Christian, it would be sacriligious for me to participate in this ceremony but I feel that God was glad I was able to witness this. After all, these are the teachings that Jesus learned as well.

I noticed a few people giving us odd looks during the singing and when I remarked on it later, Johnny said that the Porties are worried about how they sound and won't sing loudly and so it would have been interesting for them to witness two Americans singing out strong. But hey, karaoke is karaoke is karaoke. On new song Sundays, usually we've only heard the tune once or twice before and we'll get up on stage and sing. What's the difference between that and singing in a language I've never heard before in a country I'd never been to before? Not much.

Again, at the Seder, I had a few people start talking to me in Portuguese. Everyone addressed Beth in English. It's kind of funny.

Oh, I had another bathroom adventure. I used the WC (short for Water Closet) and could not get the toilet to flush. The synogouge is in an old building and the toilet tank is high up on the wall so I couldn't figure out what the problem was. Beth tried to help me and we ended up waving Johnny over. She couldn't get it to work and she had to get what I would consider an assistant pastor over to help us. I don't know if he has an official title but he was sitting by the Rabbi the entire evening. It turns out the toilet tank has to have a faucet turned on to get it to fill up. It was quite the experience.

Another thing that we thought was funny was seeing a No Smoking sign in the room where the service took place. I pointed it out to Beth and said "Não Fumar" (which actually translates to no Smokers, not no smoking). Later on, after the service, we saw the Rabbi smoking. Guess it doesn't apply to him!

The Rabbi was very nice and even stood up for me a little when Johnny was trying to get me to say "não" correctly. He told me, in his thick accent, "I have been here for one year and they don't make me try to say it correctly."

Tomorrow we're off to take a train trip to Evora. It'll be a two hour trip one way but we'll get to see the Chapel of Bone and the Temple of Diana. Way cool!


Sunday, April 24, 2005

Pretend Karaoke - My side of the story

Right now it is 4:12 in the morning here in Portugal but, as you can see from the time this was published, it is actually 10:04 PM back home. Right now, Beth and I would be at karaoke.

Karaoke. Ah, karaoke, how we miss you. This is the first week we have missed since last September.

Before we left, we had strict orders from Dean, Bryan, Liz and James to not think about karaoke tonight. We were supposed to kick back by the ocean with some sort of refreshing beverage and, if we were so inclined, cast one thought towards all the fun back home. But that was it. Of course, I don't think we had realized what the time difference was then. It would be a little chilly if we were at the ocean right now.

Well, sorry, guys but we've been thinking about you today. In fact, while Beth was looking through her files to find what pictures to download for her blog, she came across some pictures from last week. There was the picture of Bryan in my floppy hat, the picture of Dean rapping and pictures of Tom and Char and Matt and Christine. In one of the pictures, Dean was raising his glass as Beth snapped the picture of him. We had the following conversation.

DM: Look, he's toasting us.
Beth: He is toasting us.
DM: Beer break.

At the same time, Beth and I raised our Coke cans and silently toasted Dean.

Beth: We're complete losers, aren't we?
DM: Noooo. We just miss our friends.

We also listened to two sound clips of Dean. And cried. Just a little.

Hopefully the cool table will not forget about us and still accept us next week. After all, we did miss a week...but hey, we'll have cool pictures to show them. Of pizza*, a boar head** and a fire extinquisher and matching sign***.

Oh, God, we are complete losers, aren't we?

*We took a picture of our bacon pizza because Bryan was fascinated by the fact that bacon is the same word here as it is back home. In fact, he wrote a haiku about it, we'll have to post it later.

**The grocery stores here have everything you could desire and a few things you might not. Lots and lots of fish (blech) and a boar head. Seriously. But not the full thing, about one or two inches thick but you can make out the shape.

***Beth took a picture of the fire extinquisher at the museum. I took the picture of the fire extinquisher sign at Hemp House.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Why did I even open my bloody mouth? Seriously.

Do you know what happens when you entitle a post "Bathroom Adventures?" Do you? Let me tell you. You get to spend time in the bathroom for not fun reasons. That's all I'm saying about that. Obviously the holiday gods are laughing at me. But I am of hardy stock and am sure I will be my normal healthy self tomorrow. Johnny recommended some rice and water. I am sure that I could go on the BRAT diet but would rather shoot myself. You know the BRAT diet, right? Bananas (yuck), rice (okay but without butter. What's the point if there is not butter?), Applesauce (see previous mention about bananas) and toast (again, without butter. Again, what is the point?).

I have to say that the food here is marvelous. When I went to Mexico, I had a hard time finding anything that I really liked. Too many tomatoes, for one thing. Tomatoes are evil. Just in case you didn't know that. But here, there is much to be enjoyed.

Last night, Johnny made us what she called chicken steaks (chicken breasts), cabbage with garlic and olive oil (yum) and pasta (also yum).

Beth and I split some different foods at the cafeteria at the museum. The bread here is just the way I like it, thick crusts and soft insides. I could live on bread and butter daily. The pastry we tried was extremely flaky and wonderful and there was not a frightening sausage pasty thing inside. Coke Light is awful. Tastes like Pepsi only worse. Coke is fabulous. We did try something referred to as a slice of pudding. We each only managed one bite apiece. It reminded me of flan and we both had huge texture issues with it.

Today Johnny called something "freakin'." She is blaming Beth and I are for sticking this into her vocabulary. However, we both keep saying "bloody" and "holiday" so I think we're tied. Beth has picked up some of Johnny's mannerisms. It's funny to watch them sit next to each other and see the same gestures. Beth can't do it on purpose though.

Random observations:

Here are some of the things that Beth and I have seen while here.

  1. A show similar to Jerry Springer from Brazil. It was in Portuguese so Johnny was translating. Apparently it is a show where you test your lover's fidelity. This girl's boyfriend was making out with 3 actresses. Some of the things he said to the actresses were "Oh, forget I have a girlfriend," "Kill me with pleasure," "Smack me around," and also described his erection in detail. All this while his girlfriend was watching. Nice, huh? When he was told that he had been observed by not only his girlfriend but much of Brazil, he tried to win her back with flowers. When that didn't work, he seemed to think telling her that she was fat and ugly and that she couldn't give him what these 3 women did (as Johnny put it, she is one woman. How can she compete with 3? Bloody wanker) might work. It didn't seem to melt her heart.
  2. A man playing the accordian on the Metro (subway).
  3. Watching VH1 and seeing the video for the Red Hot Chili Peppers song "Can't Stop." In which there is a man wearing a purple moose head and a guy wearing yellow buckets on his head, hands and feet. Dancing. Weird doesn't even begin to cover it. We refer to it as the weird Timmy video after a friend of ours who once told us he walked around town wearing a box on his head when he was younger.
  4. We also saw No Doubt's video for "It's my life." This is funny because there was a time when Beth and I were scrapbooking and this video played every hour on the hour. So it was interesting to see it in Portugal.
  5. Watching VH1, we saw the Duran Duran video for "A View To A Kill." If you've never seen it, it's from a James Bond movie. I turned to Beth when it was over and said "What James Bond movie is this from?" She looks at me and says "I'm pretty sure it's 'A View To A Kill'." I replied "Oh. Yeah. Duh."
  6. Lots and lots of fish at the grocery store. And also, full Pork heads. There is a picture of it. We'll have to post it.

Keep reading Beth's site as well, she does more detailed posts. I just look for the weird. That's my job. Here's a link to some of my fabulous pictures from the museum.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Bathroom Adventures

There is a bidet in Johnny's bathroom. I had never seen one up close before. It's very interesting.

The hot waiter from the beach cafe let me into the bar's bathroom. He let me know (in English, bless him) that the light turned on automatically. He did not inform me, however, that the light was on a timer (as most of the lights here in Portugal seem to be) and would turn off. Suddenly, I was sitting in the dark. Yikes.

Fortunately, I must have been a cat in another life and my eyes quickly adjusted to the light. And it did eventually come back on, apparently it is also on a motion detector.

Back at Johnny's place, I had to use the bathroom again. There I was, minding my own business, when there was this POP! sound and the lights went off. Hmm. What had happened? Well, Beth and I had thought ''Hey, let's take a power strip to Portugal. That'll work, right?'' The correct answer is no. It will actually blow a fuse. This happened twice before Beth and Johnny realized that it won't work.

The last adventure came that night. Johnny's cat, Hum-Hum, apparently likes to lie in the bathtub. I knew this but yet was not expecting what happened. I must have made some sort of noise and all of a sudden, Hum-Hum's head popped up and she stared at me. She is a dark brown cat that appears to be black and has golden eyes. It was a little freaky.

Today we are going to a beach house and across a bridge and who knows what adventures we will experience? Will I write about them? Por que não? Yes, those are my new Portuguese words - meaning Why not? Which I discovered watching what I thought was a preview for a series about an English (possibly, light skinned, blondish) boy and his Indian girlfriend who were torn between their love for each other and their culture and then they jumped off of a roof and into this heart shaped orange soup like substance that may have been a blanket or soup. Who knows? But anyway, it wasn't a preview. It's a commercial. But I have no idea what for.

Adoro-te, dear internet. Until we meet again.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

I love Portugal

Okay. I'm forced to tell you all that I am seriously thinking about moving to Portugal. Just so you know. Well, I probably won't because a) I don't speak any Portuguese except for Obrigada (thank you), Secana (rat bastard) and Bacon (bacon) and b) NABABNA does not have any openings in Portugal. Which is just silly and they better start working on that soon. But Johnny has already told me that I could live with her so that's a start.

I had a dream last night that I was looking through pictures that we took and I kept seeing my mother in them. She was smiling at me. Which means, of course, that I freaked out and thought that my mother was possibly dead and was visiting me in my dreams. Which also meant that I called my sister at 7 AM and left a message for her asking her to email me. I think Kari was probably laughing as she listened to my pleas for an email. But she did comply and I was informed that mom is very busy with work and hasn't been doing much emailing lately.

I'm having a wonderful time and will probably not be moving but I am now going to go take a shower and get ready to greet the day. It's about 4 PM here. So I guess I'm going to greet the afternoon.

Much love!


Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Hello Portugal, this is the artist formerly known as DM

A proclamation by your Queen, the formerly known DM.

Not following this proclamation could be punishable by death but I am a good and kind Queen and will probably only force non-Trekkie fans to watch hours and hours of Star Trek:TNG and Trekkie fans to watch hours and hours of any show they absolutely hate, such as Little House on the Prairie or something like that.

After my exciting trip through the airports and the flying and the horrible meal and the very good meal (check out Beth's post here and here for more details, I'll be posting my own before long) and being hit on in Amsterdam by an attractive Norwegian and cramming my humungous arse into tiny little seats, it was a great relief to get through customs and see Johnny.

Oh, world, you have no idea how beautiful and wonderful and glorious a moment it was. I laughed and cried as I was hugging her. It was amazing to finally, FINALLY, see her in person and hear her lovely accent (English but with a bit of an exotic flair to make it even cooler).

Anyway, she refers to me as either DM or Danna (DAN-ah) instead of Dana (DAY-nuh). At one point, she called me Deya and I fell in love with it right then and there. We haven't decided on spelling yet, we are vascillating between Deya or Daya or Daia (with or without an H at the end) and I have now decided that will be my new name.

I figure if my brother can legally change his name from Richard to Ric, I can go to Daia (or Deya or Daya).

I'll be trying it out over the next few days to see if it sticks. Let me know what you think. I still have not received one email from anyone other than my sister Suz to let me know how Ric is doing (he had surgery recently). Dang it!

My email address is greenduckiesgirl@gmail.com, loyal subjects. Please drop me a line, your Queen CarpeDaya comands it (Oh, hell, I'll stick with CarpeDM for the blog).

Much love and if I was near you, I would kiss you on both cheeks. It is the Portie way, you know.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Countdown to Portugal

Part Two - Beth did her countdown here. And that has actual times on it for when we're leaving and how long our flight will be.

It's 12:45 in the morning. I should be taking a shower to get ready for part two of Beth and Dana go power shopping but I thought I would blog instead. I am up way too early but was having a terrible time trying to sleep. Get one hour of sleep, wake up, go to the bathroom, wander to the kitchen to see what time it is, go back to bed and repeat ad nauseum. Finally I said the hell with it. The good news is that since Beth and I have to be to the airport really early tomorrow, we will probably be hitting our respective beds much earlier than usual.

I think this trip is going to work out a bit better than our trip to Vegas. Since Beth and I work different shifts, we have completely different work schedules. So it took a long time for us to get on the same sleep schedule in Vegas. I was always ready to crash around 10 PM and she was raring to go. Plus, I did not have the CPAP machine then so, after about two days of listening to me snore loudly and stop breathing and choke myself awake, Beth was about ready to kill me. Spending the weekend with her before we leave is a much wiser decision. I'm still up much earlier than her but we also have a 15 hour trip to Portugal ahead of us so I'm sure the jet lag will help me get on the same schedule.

I cannot wait to meet Johnny in person. This is terribly exciting. On Friday night, a bunch of us from work got together to celebrate the end of tax season (YAY!) and the fact that I was going to be gone for two weeks came up. Everyone was amazed or jealous that I was going to Portugal and I had a few people ask me to put them in my suitcase. Yeah...there's barely enough room for Hippo and he comes first, sorry. A former co-worker was there and asked me why I decided to go to Portugal. I explained that Beth had emailed me and said "We're going to Portugal to see Johnny" and I emailed her back and said "Okay. Cool." Yep, I'm good at making the snap decisions. Somehow I feel this won't be as horrible as an experience as moving to Madison was.

Anyway, Johnny does have access to the internet and Beth and I will still be able to post. Because if she didn't, we never would have "met" her in the first place. Anyway, I'm off to shower now. Much love and peace and all.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Hmm...are you saying I'm weird?

You Are 35% Normal
(Occasionally Normal)

You sure do march to your own beat...
But you're so weird, people wonder if it's a beat at all
You think on a totally different wavelength
And it's often a chore to get people to understand you

How Normal Are You?

What American Dialect Do You Speak?

It's interesting. Found through frog.

Your Linguistic Profile:

65% General American English
15% Upper Midwestern
15% Yankee
5% Midwestern
0% Dixie

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Thursday, April 14, 2005

"Stick" Meme

I've been challenged by DeAnn to complete this and I feel the need to comply. I had seen this on Johnny Crow's website and thought about completing it but didn't since I was being lazy. So here goes...

You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be (This refers to the fact that people in the book memorized their favorite book and, in essence, became that book)?: I would have to be two books. Kane & Abel and The Prodigal Daughter by Jeffrey Archer

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? Of course. I have crushes on everyone. There was a huge one on this guy named Eppe in The First Book of Eppe. I always wished the author would do another book about this guy. He reminded me of Holden Caulfield but funnier. I also had a thing for Petrucio from The Taming of the Shrew.

The last book you bought is: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. I won't get it until June though. I ordered it from flea because I figured I'd rather give her money than Wal-Mart, especially since she's taking 15% of the profits and giving to children's charities in the Chicago area.

The last book you read: The Hope Chest. It was an anthology by three different authors about this mysterious hope chest and it was okay. Nothing spectacular. A romance novel that hooked me into buying it because it started in Regency England and ended up on Mars, 300 years into the future.

What are you currently reading?: The Other Side of the Story by Marion Keyes. I like her work. I usually have a couple books going at the same time but not this week. Too much work concentrating on what I need for Portugal and also finding out that my brother is in the hospital.

Five books you would take to a deserted island:

DeAnn thought this was a fun question but she is obviously insane. How could you possibly live on a deserted island with only 5 books? That is sheer torture. But I'll give it a try.

The Complete Works of Shakespeare - Volume One and Two (it's been too long since I've read them so it would be good for me (and we're pretending this is one book. If I have to, I will glue them together))
The Giving Tree
Complete Works of O Henry
Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About (Mil Millington is insanely funny)
Northern Lights (I have to have a Nora Roberts book and this one is about Alaska and hopefully it will make me forget how hot the stupid island is)

Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 people) and why?

Beth: Because we have completely different tastes when it comes to reading and I'd like to know what she would bring to the deserted island.
Keem: Because she needs to update.
Carol: Because I would love to know more about what she reads.

I would have said Matt and Johnny but I think Matt has limited computer time and Johnny has too much on her mind right now.

DeAnn also posted this short meme from Katie (although she changed the wording slightly):

Bold the states you've visited, italicize the states you've lived in and CAPITALIZE the state you're in now:

Alabama / Alaska / Arizona / Arkansas / California / Colorado / Connecticut / Delaware / Florida / Georgia / Hawaii / Idaho / Illinois / Indiana / Iowa / Kansas / Kentucky / Louisiana / Maine / Maryland / Massachusetts / Michigan / MINNESOTA / Mississippi / Missouri / Montana / Nebraska / Nevada / New Hampshire / New Jersey / New Mexico / New York / North Carolina / North Dakota / Ohio / Oklahoma / Oregon / Pennsylvania / Rhode Island / South Carolina / South Dakota / Tennessee / Texas / Utah / Vermont / Virginia / Washington / West Virginia / Wisconsin / Wyoming / Washington, D.C /

Hey, if I visit Indiana, I'll have gone to all of the I states. I'm not sure if that's something to be excited about.

Maybe she should have been a cop

After waking up at 5:00 (again with the early rising. What is up with that? Oh, right, me) and playing online for a little bit, I went back to bed at about 6:00. Keem walked into my room and told me that I was showering first (we share a bathroom and alternate our order of showering. She always showers first on Monday though. That is just a given. Because I am dead to the world). I take my shower and walk into her room to get her up.

We have a brief conversation and I tell her I am going back to bed for awhile.

When her shower is done, she walks back through my room and tells me to get up. I muttered something to her, I'm sure, because next thing I hear is the booming voice of Keem. It is filled with authority.

Keem (K): DANA!
DM: Yeah (I stand up by the bed). See? I'm up.
K (Obviously reading my mind and knowing that I plan on sneaking back to bed after she leaves the room): WALK AWAY FROM THE BED!

I laugh, which helps wake me up, and go off to get ready, thinking the whole time about Keem as a police woman. A police woman, who oddly, in my imagination, enforces furniture laws.

Can't you see it? Keem driving around the city, on the lookout for shabby couches and unauthorized futons? She could bust up the faux leather armchair gang.

I can also hear her.

K: Sir, I see you have torn the tag off of that mattress. That is a 40-8 Class A Furniture Violation.
Uninformed Consumer (UC): What are you talking about, lady?
K: Ignorance of the law is no excuse, sir. That's a $500 fine.
UC: What? I'm not paying that. Screw you, copper!
K: That's it, sir! You're coming with me!

She pulls out her handcuffs and, to the delight of all of the innocent bystanders, cuffs him right there in the furniture store. She strides out to the applause of a grateful community, knowing that as long as Keem is there, they are safe from furniture violations.

Maybe I could sell this idea to television. What do you think? Would you watch a Furniture Drama? Maybe she could have a forbidden love with a member of the faux leather armchair gang? I think it would be great. After all, Steven Boccho actually put a show about singing cops on the air. Why not furniture cops?

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Soylent Green! It's Dana*

Okay. I have two extremely strange dreams to share with you. I try not to do a lot of dreams on this site because I know that not everyone cares. But the odder ones? Yeah, you get to hear about them. And if you don’t care, that’s cool. I’m cool if you skip them. But you know that someday there could be the official recognition of me as Queen of the Universe and, as a fun activity at the coronation, there could be a test. Wouldn’t you feel silly if this was on it?

Dream Number One – AKA Perhaps Dana needs a boyfriend

I forgot to mention last week, in my tale of karaoke gone wild, that Char and Tom wanted to see my badly misspelled tattoo. We had a good laugh over the fact that my former tattoo artist could not spell baby and I am permanently engraved (well, engraved is the wrong word but you know what I mean) with the words “Grooby, Yeah Babby.”

At the end of the evening, I started walking towards the door but Beth, Char and Tom were still talking to Bryan. Beth called me over and told me to show Bryan my tattoo. Being the modest woman I am, I frowned over baring (partially) my breast to my karaoke host. I mean, honestly, what would that say about me? You know, of course, that I am just kidding. Show off my tattoo in a bar? Okay. Breast is at the ready. In fact, I even posed while he took a picture of it with his camera. Meanwhile, Beth, who likes to cause trouble, calls across the bar to Liz.

Beth: Hey, Liz, just so you know, there is a reason why Bryan is taking a picture of Dana’s breast.
Liz: Uh, Dana, we’re going to have to fight now. Let’s step outside.

She raises her fists in a jokingly menacing manner.

Beth: No, no, she’s showing him her misspelled tattoo.
Liz (Laughing): Your tattoo is misspelled? That’s great!

She indicates that she condones the photography session. If I was smart, I would take a picture of this and post it so you could see it for yourself. If anything, it makes a good story and, at one time, won me the nickname Babs (didn’t stick).

I had mentioned in the post that I had seen a guy that intrigued me and that night I had a strange dream. The dream started out the same way as our end of the evening. I was headed towards the door while Beth, Char and Tom were talking to Bryan. The attractive gentleman was standing by the door. We had a brief conversation.

Attractive Gentleman (AG): Hi. I really enjoyed your singing. You have a beautiful voice.
DM: Thank you.
AG: I would love to take you home.
DM: Okay (Turn to Beth). Beth, I’m going home with this guy. Okay?
Beth: Okay.

AG and I leave together. We suddenly end up in my room, which now appears to be outside and in a tent. AG (who is either named William or Warren (for those of you who think I didn’t bother to get his name first, I did, I just don’t remember what it is (Beth informed me that she doesn’t like the name Warren so he is now known as William))), I mean William, and I are making out in a feverish frenzy.

This was a very tactile dream. I remember what it felt like to run my fingers through his hair (soft, a little spiky because it was short), what type of kisser he was (I have a theory that you can tell how good someone will be in bed by the way they kiss and believe me, William would have been spectacular. Perfect amount of pressure on the lips, just enough tongue, no Sheep Dog kisses (kisser opens mouth, attempts to swallow kissee’s face), how it felt to have him lying on top of me (fully clothed, thank you. And my, he had nice shoulders), etc.

The next thing I know is that I wake up, still in the dream. William is gone. Oops. I kind of fell asleep. Waaaaay conducive for romance, don’t you agree?

Suddenly it is the next Sunday. There are now red curtains across the stage at The Chalet. They slowly part and Bryan is standing there, spotlight upon him (I know. When did they get the spotlight? Weird). He looks at me.

Bryan: So, Dana. Did you forget something?

Suddenly the spotlight is shining on me. I am freaking out. What did I forget? Am I not wearing clothing? Is my checkbook unbalanced? What could it be?

Bryan: Here’s a tip. Don’t fall asleep on guys. It gives them a complex.

I turn to Beth, horrified that she had told Bryan about my faux pas. She reassures me that she hadn’t told him. Bryan goes on to explain that William is a very good friend of his and, even though I couldn’t keep my eyes open, he is interested and wants to see me again. The whole bar starts laughing at me. I am blustering in my defense that I work days, people.

I wake up, right before William walks in the door. I have not yet dreamt of him again but I would love to revisit this. It was all the fun of having a boyfriend without any of the work.

Dream Number Two – AKA This is not as obscene as you would think

After a long, long involved dream that had three acts, two that really made absolutely no sense at all (except for the amusing part where Beth and I went on a journey to see Matt and his family, including the five year old Matt Junior, only to discover that he had become born again, had married and he and his wife were hosting a religious program (this is amusing because Matt and I have very different views about religion and the thought of him hosting a gospel hour is pretty hilarious)), the 3rd act took place in a diner in the South.

Beth and I are in the diner and there are three men sitting near us. One of them starts up a conversation with us. He introduces himself as George Clooney but he is dressed the way Tom Hanks was dressed in The Ladykillers. You know, the classic Southern Gentleman suit in white, the curly mustache, etc. I have no idea who the 2nd guy was but the 3rd one was Alan Ruck and, as he began to introduce himself to me, I was all agog and gushed “Oh, I know who you are! I loved you in Star Trek: Generations!”

Yes, George Clooney is there and I’m fawning all over Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

Anyway, George (“Call me George,” he says in his debonair Southern accent) starts hitting on me and Beth gets, uncharacteristically, ticked off. If this happened in real life, Beth would be thrilled with this and encouraging me to go out with George, instead of sulking over the fact that he asked me out to dinner and hissing “I can’t believe he likes YOU over ME.”

A little time goes by and I start pounding on the door of our motel room. Beth pulls open the door, still pissed. We have the following conversation:

Beth (B): What are you doing back? Why aren’t you with GEORGE?
DM: Look, I’m sorry he asked me out but believe me, you’d be glad it wasn’t you.
B: Oh, sure. I bet he was a horrible date.
DM: Beth. He tried to eat me.
B: And you’re complaining?
DM: No, I mean he tried to EAT me.

I hold out my arm as evidence. There is a bite mark in it. Apparently, when George was issuing the invitation to dinner, he forgot to mention that I was the main course.

Only I could have this dream. I get alone with George Clooney and he wants me…as a food source.

*Hey, I was strapped for a title. What did you want me to call this? Dreams? How boring would that be?

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Lillies Posted by Hello

Morning hasn't even broken

It's 4:24. I am awake. Why? I'm not really sure. Something woke me up at 4:00 and I can't get back to sleep. So what better to do than blog?

A couple of things that might not make any sense to anyone but the person that it is directed to:

Matthew, that is the dumbest question (well, technically it was a statement) you have ever asked me. Seriously. If I want to see you, indeed. Of course I do. Dork. You are lucky that I don't ground you for it. Email me at greenduckiesgirl@gmail.com. I'll have to give you a call later this week, once I talk to your sister. Perhaps we can have a feast for the prodigal son. Except that you're not really the prodigal son. The true prodigal son wouldn't get a feast, even if he did show up. No, he would get kicked to the curb (why is this stupid phrase stuck in my head? Why? This is the 2nd time I've used it recently).

Johnny, would you let me know if it is possible to get distilled water at a store near you? I'd rather not try to lug a jug (hee! I rhymed) with me. Because you know it will break open.

And now to stuff that is directed to all of you but will probably not make any sense because it's 5 in the morning and I'm tired.

I am going to be really, really glad when tax season is over. Seriously. If I hear one more person ask me what their cost basis is, I may scream. 4 days to go. Thank God.

I got my iPod shuffle! Totally cool. I got to karaoke early on Sunday and got to wait for Beth with tunes. And when the karaoke machine wasn't working, we played darts and listened to tunes. I, of course, found myself singing out loud to Ghost of the Robot's tune, "Dangerous." Which doesn't surprise me, actually. When Beth and I went to Vegas, she had to keep nudging me because I was singing to Billy Idol's greatest hits. James Marsters, the former front man for GotR, played Spike on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel and, according to Buffy in the last season, Billy Idol modeled his look on Spike. This is yet another thing that Beth and I disagree with about men (we have absolutely different taste), I love the look of slight but still muscular men with platinum blond hair and if they can sing, so much better. Barry, of The In Crowd fame, has that slight build and reminds me of Spike when he was William (That will make no sense to anyone who has never watched Buffy. Sorry).

I cannot wait until I go to Portugal. Absolutely cannot wait. I am thrilled beyond belief. Of course, thrilled beyond belief also includes shaking in my sandals because it involves a) flying and b) getting on an airplane and c) being really, really freakin' high in the air. Have I mentioned that I'm not really a good flyer and Beth had to hold my hand on our trip to Vegas because I'm not good at landing or taking off?

I just tried to access my account online. I entered in www.nababna.com and get a error message that reads, and I kid you not, "We are unable to find www.nababna.com. Did you mean www.nababna.com?" Um, yeah, I think so. Stupid internet. Okay, now it's telling me it can't find the server. Maybe it is stupid www.nababna.com that is the problem.

Anyway, I'm pretty tired so I'm going to try sleeping again.


Saturday, April 09, 2005

Good Morning, Saint Paul (and world)

Well, yet again I was up at 6:30 AM. Yuck. Stupid sun! Let me sleep!

Although there are some benefits. Such as:

Having an early morning (me)/afternoon (her) conversation (windows messenger) with Johnny about Beth and my upcoming trip to visit her in Portugal. A little over a week to go.

Having an early morning conversation with my sister (again with windows messenger) about how it's probably a good idea that I find out what the weather is like in Portugal before I buy new clothes. From what www.ask.com says, it's about 65 on average. It's like Minnesota!

Having a sleeping cat lying at my feet. Eddy has been coming to visit me in the mornings, demanding to be petted. Which is weird since he usually ignores me in favor of Keem.

Anyway, I'm downloading some songs from Keem's CD collection (lots of 80's music. Don't get me wrong, I grew up in the 80's and like the music to a point but believe me, music has evolved since then) for iTunes and then I'm probably going back to bed.

I hope you all have a great day. Much love and may you get enough sleep.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Random Searches

Just for fun, I bring you searches that have brought you me! There will not be a quiz. This is just something to tide you over until I come up with my next post which will be fun and exciting and a little twisted. Because that's just the kind of girl I am.

And there are links! Links to me and some of my favorite bloggers! Yay!

green tea refuse winnow
technorati search for TJ Maxx
email address for Tobey Macquire (because, yeah, we're so close)
"Queen of Hearts" Citibank
A comment I left on flea's blog (I regret to say that it was a somewhat off color comment)
sweet dreams until sunbeams find you mamas and papas
octupus dream comic (pulled up this post)
scrubs episode guide skydiving brendan fraser
Gary Dourdon (mmm, CSI:)
A comment I left on dooce's blog (which was about how my sister doesn't read my blog)
I'm so hot right now/dana ham (two seperate searches that pulled up this post)
Ocean water isn't blue or green, or any other color for that matter?
Penguin tattoo (this post)
a site that tells you the band or person who sang 8o's music
finding stripper name (this post)
scary clips; extreme images caught on tape
Another comment on flea's blog (less off color)
Dana Delany evil queen (what? Did Dana Delaney become evil without me knowing it?)
Another comment I left on dooce (about happy pills and how I'm happy to have them)
"you are my sunshine"/song/picture
Senor frogs scrapbooking
A comment on finslippy's blog

Tuesday, April 05, 2005


Hi. As you all know, I like to be brutally honest when talking about my past transgressions. This weekend I was reminded of something extremely shocking that I have done.

I hope that you will all find it in your heart to forgive me and will not "kick me to the curb" or stop reading my blog. Please, please don't abandon me. I can't live without your love and adoration.

As your Queen of the Universe, I could simply command you to love and adore me but I like to allow you all free will, the right to choose, and refuse to use my powers of mind control to turn you all in to my happy workers, with the occasional celebrity turned sex slave (you must marvel at my restraint here, people. Have you seen Keanu Reeves? Or Gary Dourdon? Or even Lenny Kravitz or Rowan Atkinson? Could you imagine the harem I could have if I would just break down and use my powers for evil?). Please ignore Bryan who claims I am evil. You know, on my quest for the perfect nickname, I never expected it would be Evil Dana.

But no, I can't do make you give up your right to adore me all on your own. I will, instead, tell you my tale of depravity and hope you can find it in your hearts to accept me for who I am.

The reminder came at Fridleykins this weekend. I was hungry so I persuaded Beth to stop. At the table across from us, there were four people. Probably 18-20. There was Hefty Boy, his girlfriend, Whiny Girl, and their friends - Sunglasses Boy and Tattoo Boy. I must also confess that I had inappropriate thoughts about Tattoo Boy because he was wearing a cut-off gray t-shirt, had slightly spiky hair, a swimmer's build (muscular but not too muscular) and a tattoo (hence the name Tattoo Boy). Mmm, yummy. The fact that I technically could be old enough to his mother did keep me from holding him down and licking his neck. That and I think Beth would probably not bail me out of jail for public lewdness. Although is licking actually being lewd? Perhaps I could say I thought I was a cat. It would be a good insanity plea.

Anyway, the young'uns were playing Magic. I used to play Magic years ago and thought it was a lot of fun. In fact, I mentioned this to Beth once, which I shared with you in this post (towards the end but it is a fun post about what dorks Beth and I are). If you've never played, it is a card game and kind of a role playing game. Think D&D on cards. You have all of these different creatures and you are in control of them and then you battle against other people. Tattoo Boy was looking through a binder filled with cards and I was very tempted to ask if I could see it because the cards not only have a description of what the power of the creature is, it also gives you some of the history of the world of Magic. Such as a quote from a myth (which is weird because it's a fictional world with fictional myths. But well written) or a poem or something. Anyway, they're cool and the artistry is amazing. Trust me on this. And yeah, I am kind of a nerd.

But my thoughts of asking if I could look at the binder was stopped by Whiny Girl. Sunglasses Boy was holding a green alien statue. Whiny Girl wanted to see the statue. And boy, did she let everyone in her vicinity know this! The following conversation took place.

Whiny Girl (WG): Let me see the alien.
Sunglasses Boy (SB): Why?
WG: Let me see the alien.
SB: No. Not until you tell me why.
WG: Let me see the alien.
SB: Why?
WG: Let me see the alien.
WG: Let me see the alien.
WG: Let me see the alien.
WG: Let me see the alien.
DM (under her breath to Beth): Give her the damn alien.
SB: Why do you want it?
WG: It’s a joke. I want to show you a joke.
SB: No. Tell me why.
WG: Let me see the alien. I can’t tell you because then it won’t be funny.
Hefty Boy (HB): Give her the alien.
SB says something I don’t hear. HB appears to be somewhat upset over this and tries to take the alien from SB. There is a tussle over the alien that is quite amusing but I don’t want to openly stare at them so I miss the part where HB hits SB on the head.

SB starts sulking. Which, honestly, who can blame him? If I went around hitting Beth because she wouldn’t give my boyfriend the alien statue, I would expect Beth to either a) sulk or b) kick my ass or c) never talk to me again (the correct answer would be b and c)). HB starts explaining his actions that he was just tired of hearing WG say over and over again “Let me see the alien.” WG tries to get SB’s attention. SB won’t look at her. He stares off into space stoically. HB then tells him that he was lucky that all he did was hit him in the head.

I ask you, how would you respond if your friend tells you that you’re lucky that he only hit you in the head? I would probably ask “Was my head on fire? Were you rescuing me from a gigantic bug of some sort? Because, if you were not, there’s really not much that excuses hitting a friend in the head.” But SB doesn’t say anything and continues to stare into space, possibly looking for the alien’s family to come and save him from his horrid human friends.

Finally, WG manages to get SB’s attention. She takes the alien and the green Beanie Baby bear that was also sitting on the table and holds them up.

WG: Look!

She takes the alien and moves the bear close to it.

WG: This is how you get green babies.

SB stares at her. I can understand why he is staring at her dumbfounded. I feel the same way. This is why she subjected him and I and everyone else surrounding her to the “Let me see the alien” ad nauseum? Good Lord, woman!

The Magic table soon leaves shortly after that. A little while later, Beth and I hear voices. A lot of voices. A new group of people is approaching. We watch as the following procession occurs.

Woman wearing long black skirt slit up to waist. She may or may not be wearing black shorts underneath it.
Normal looking (clothing and hair) woman.
Tall man with the majority of his head shaved except for the very top and the 7-10 inch braid hanging down the back. Odd clothing.
Normal looking (clothing and hair) woman.
Woman with black skirt, black bustier, top hat, black hair with blue and green florescent streaks.
Another man who appears to be clothed somewhat normally.
Another goth appearing man.
Woman with cool black fedora and extremely heavy make-up.

Beth quickly scribbles in her notebook. She passes it to me. I read this “A Tom Petty video has just walked into Perkins.” I look over the group. Yes, I do believe she may be right. I think it might be the video with the aliens. Don’t get us wrong, we love Tom Petty (even though he may or may not be dead (we found this website where this guy was convinced Tom Petty was dead and there was a fake Tom Petty and the website guy had analyzed the songs to prove it (Beth and I spent a good half hour laughing hysterically over this))) but watching his videos right before going to bed can cause some extremely strange dreams.

Anyway, moving on the confession part. Monday, I was telling Keem about the Magic playing table and she asks, incredulously, “Do people still play that game?” I am offended by this. I used to love playing Magic. It was great. I was the only girl that played and I got a lot of attention and, you may have a hard time believing this, I love attention. Especially from men. Even if they are Magic playing, nerdy men.

It is while I am telling Keem that I used to love playing Magic that it hits me. A memory so painful that I have blocked it for years, due to the amount of shame I had. Oh, the horrors. I am almost choking as I type these words, choking on my tears, afraid of your rejection. Please continue to love me, Internet. There ain’t no sunshine when you are gone.


I know. I mean, how absolutely nerdy can you get? Strip Magic? Have you ever heard anything more pathetic? I remember this clearly now, sitting in the basement of one of the guy’s house, agreeing to play this. If I remember right, there was not even alcohol involved. You would think I would have to be drunk or even stoned to agree to this. But no. I was sober.

I remember that I was shocked when the guys I was playing with decided to gang up on me. Usually, when we played, they were very helpful and would give me advice. If I tried to do something that wasn’t going to be effective, the person I was going into battle against would make suggestions as to which of their creatures I should attack. All of a sudden, it was a no holds barred attack on Dana. No helpful suggestions, no advice, no help of any sort.

I couldn’t believe this and made an exclamation of dismay when one of them, I think it was Dillon, the kind of slow, married man who was always so nice to me, viciously attacked one of my creatures.

DM (me): Hey! Why are you picking on me? What did I do?
Dillon: Dana. You’re a girl. You’re the only girl here. Do you really think I want to see any of these guys naked?
DM: But I’m not sexy! My breasts sag!
Dillon: Female breasts are sexier than male breasts. Sagging or not sagging, I’d rather look at your breasts then Reth’s (the guy who I was crazy about mentioned in the post that talks about what dork’s Beth and I were).

Fortunately, a typical game of Magic takes approximately an hour to play, even when you’re being trounced by six to seven other players. Even though I was defeated five times, I was wearing two shoes and two socks (thank God, I typically went without socks in the summer) and one shirt. As I sat there, in my bra, I was truly worried that I was going to lose again since it did not look good for my few remaining creatures.

And then I heard the thing that saved me from baring my breasts. The garage door opening. Our host’s wife had returned. He turned to me and hissed “Quick! Put your shirt back on.” There were groans of disappointment from the other guys. We were sworn to secrecy from the married men. One of the single men, as he watched me put my shirt on, muttered “Dammit. I was one turn away from nipples.”

He was right. As we finished the game, I did get defeated once again. The single guys tried to convince me that I owed them a glance at my naked breasts and I laughed. Holding up my arm, I said “What makes you think I was going to take off my bra next? I still have a watch.” The argument then ensued over whether a watch could be considered a piece of clothing.

You will be pleased to know that I was never talked into playing Strip Magic again. I no longer play Magic and sold my cards many years ago. But sometimes I kind of miss it. There was a lot of fun about being the only girl in a group of guys, the minor flirtation, the laughter, the fact that we could talk about anything and everything (our discussions ranged from Shakespeare to the merits of the Porky trilogy (for the record, I am pro-Porky One and Two but thought Three was a bit stupid (Hey, I have a weird sense of humor. You should have figured that out by now))), reading the different cards and being with a group of people that got what you were talking about and would not laugh at you when you described one of your favorite Star Trek: The Next Generation episodes (okay, yeah, they did but they would also describe their own favorites).

I hope this story has not filled you with disgust for me, dear Internet. If you will still be my friend, I will be thrilled to tell you other stories of my life. It will be fun AND exciting.

Trust me on this.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Yes, I gave in

I am assuming that the dearth of comments I have seen on my blog lately is because that Blogger has been mean and not allowing people to comment lately.

I know this is true, actually, because when someone does leave a comment, they usually mention about how they have been trying for hours.

So, after a discussion last night with Beth at Fridleykins about how much she is enjoying Haloscan since it is not mean and stupid, I decided to make the change.

Now I have Haloscan. And, to make sure no one accuses me of deleting her comments (hmm, who could I mean?), I did add all of the previous comments to the post. Yeah, I've been up since 12:30. After going to bed at 7. Have I mentioned that, while I love the season Spring, I hate the fact that the Sun rises much earlier and shines on me? The Sun doesn't want me to sleep, for some reason. Eventually I will go and add all of the line breaks since Blogger doesn't want me to have line breaks in compose and if you go to the edit HTML section, it doesn't give the links to people's sites. Which really annoys me.

Anyway, I am weak. I am a comments junkie. I can't help it. I do not think that they have a Comments Anonymous yet. Perhaps I could start one. But that might mean I have to give up reading comments so no. I suppose I could be like my grandmother shortly after she had a heart attack (not the one that killed her, however) and was told by her doctor to quit smoking. He sent her to a smoking cessation group and she left her cigarettes in the car because she was afraid that they would make her give them her cigarettes. Which totally defeats the purpose to quitting.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Karaoke Gone Wild

Sunday night, as Beth and I walked in The Chalet, I heard Beth say “Karaoke gone wild at The Chalet.” I had no idea where she got that from or the fact that it was an omen. In fact, it had been an omen for the past two weeks.

This last month has been interesting for Beth, Keem and I. We have, on occasion, turned to each other and said “Hey, who needs television? We have our own soap opera, our own Jerry Springer show going on.” So when Beth and I go to karaoke, it’s a way to relax from our exciting lives. Yet it seems like the excitement is following us. Here’s just some of the things that have happened in the past two weeks.

A week ago Sunday, in no particular order, I did the following things:

1. Watched a girl (we’ll call her Sheena) cry because she may or may not have had some form of sexual intercourse with a complete jackass out in the parking lot (didn’t get the whole story but felt really bad for her. I was reminded of some of my past What Was I Thinking (WWIT?) moments).
2. Sung “Doe, A Deer” as an attempt to drive three of the most annoying men I have ever had the great displeasure of sharing my bar (yes, dang it, it’s my bar. My universe, my bar) with. It didn’t work. It also didn’t work when I sang “Stuck in the Middle with You” and tried to imitate the dance Michael Madsen did in “Reservoir Dogs.” It probably would have worked better if people would have allowed me to use a knife like I wanted but oh, no, Dana can’t be trusted with sharp objects…it’s not like I’m a crazy person or anything. Gee, threaten to fork one or two people and you get a reputation.
3. Bemoaned the fact that I found Stephen Baldwin attractive and it was all Beth’s fault. Beth likes to have me watch movies that I’ve never seen before and so, on Saturday and Sunday, I watched Casablanca, The Usual Suspects and Reservoir Dogs. In The Usual Suspects, Stephen Baldwin is tall, muscular, scruffy and a bad guy. It was horrible. In kind of a sexy and disturbed way.
4. Participated in a mini intervention with Sheena because she was somewhat drunk and not making wise choices. This included asking her to please keep her clothes on when the drunken asses from number 2 were hooting at her to take her clothes off. Also assisted her friends, (let’s call them Audrey and Adalia), when they were talking about how difficult it was going to be to get Sheena’s keys away from her, by asking “Are these her keys?” and handing them over to Adalia. Also “helped” Beth by walking to her car to return her many books on Portugal as an attempt to spy on Sheena and her amour du jour when she went out to the parking lot to wake him up when he was passed out in his trunk (wow! What a winner).
5. Watched Bryan and Jay, the “Son of Mike Tice,” (nicknamed this because he bears a strong resemblance to Mike Tice) sing the Backstreet Boys song, “I Want It That Way.” Jay had promised he would sing this for me on the weekend of my birthday but he, his wife and child had been sick so he hadn’t been able to make it. Now I am not a fan of the Backstreet Boys but when Bryan and Jay do this, it is absolutely hilarious. They make it all dramatic and start doing the dances, completely making fun of the Backstreet Boys. But this time, it was even better. About halfway through the song, they start singing it in the style of the Three Tenors, very operatic and dramatic. It was great. Beth and I and also the three women sitting with us were laughing so hard that my face hurt at the end.
6. Watched as Sheena pulled a very tiny plastic penis out of her purse and put it over her straw. She then proceeded to drink her alcoholic beverage through the hole in said tiny penis. I could not help but ask her “Why would you want to suck on anything that small?” I also had to say “Hey, I think I dated that guy.” This, of course, resulted in laughter.

This last Sunday, in no particular order, I did the following (Beth also did a post on this, it is located here):

1. Played with my little Super Hero guys that I got out of the vending machine on Friday. Encouraged Beth and Bryan to play with them as well. For a few minutes, there were Super Heroes flying around our table. And then crashing to the floor in ignominy because they are actually not real Super Heroes but tiny little plastic figurines.
2. Giggling with Beth over phrases in her Portuguese phrase book. Other than actually trying to pronounce the words (because let’s face it, I have a hard enough time with English, let alone another language), the way things were phrased were amusing. Such as “Would you please lubricate the car?” Since I, as we have discovered before, am actually a teenage boy, I could not resist saying “Yes, since I will be inserting it later.” We were also amused by the phrase “Would you please put water in the battery” but Carol was kind enough to point out to us that, yes, batteries do have water in them. Oops. We also learned how to say various food names. Which I have, of course, forgotten. Except for bacon. Apparently bacon is pronounced Ba-cone (or Baaa-con, can’t remember) and, since it is quite possibly the most perfect food in the universe, I will never forget this. Once I remember which pronunciation is right, of course.
3. Itching like crazy. Char and Tom came to karaoke and Char had an allergic reaction to something and was breaking out into either hives or a rash. Since I remember the horrible time when I quit smoking and turned out to be allergic to the stupid Zyban and broke out into horrible, horrible hives, my skin starts crawling when I see someone else in that same pain and I want to just rip it off. God, even typing this right now is making my skin itch. Think calming thoughts. Lalalala. The sky is blue. Puppies and kitties are playing together in harmony. Lalalala.
4. Watching my quaint little bar become overrun by drunkards. Apparently a bar down the street had closed at 1 AM since it was Easter and the drunkards found their way to the Chalet. We got to witness the trashy (and trashed) women dance in what they considered a sexy manner but, to us who were sober, it appeared to be the mystical, romantic mating call of drunken females that says “Hey, I’m a slut! And I’m drunk! Come do me now, baby! On the dance floor! C’mon!” However, there was one guy with them that was rather attractive so I did enjoy watching him sing. He was tall, with dark hair and possibly blue eyes and was fairly muscular and also was built like a football player with the thick neck and okay, need to stop now. Yeah, anyway, I thought he was kind of hot. If you couldn’t tell.
5. Decided to use my powers for evil instead of good, apparently. Beth had finished singing and Bryan de-introduced her (okay, not a word but I don’t know what to call it. When people leave the stage, he’ll say something to encourage you to applaud) by saying something very similar to this (can’t remember what it was exactly) “And that is Beth. Who is not evil at all (He pauses). Unlike Dana.” Off of my dumbfounded look, he laughs and says “See? Look at that look she’s giving me. Clearly she is evil.” Throughout the night, we would joke about how I am evil...even when I tried to use my New Year’s Resolution of not killing anyone this year as proof that I was not evil, Bryan said “And how is that working out for you? Not too well. I can see the rage in your eyes.” Do I have rage in my eyes that I’m not aware of? I didn’t think I did. Maybe I am an evil genius.
6. Spent half the evening exclaiming “Who steals tires?” Some idiot or idiots thought “Hey, I’m a loser. I have nothing better to do with my time than make someone else’s life miserable. Why don’t I go and steal the tires off of this car because I am too lazy to get a job and work for my own needs? Oh, and while I’m at it, maybe I will throw rocks at puppies and kittens and orphans. Because I am a selfish bastard.” And then said idiots stole from Char and Tom. Jacked up their car in the parking lot, ripped off their two front tires and caused damage to their brakes or rotors or axle or something car related.
7. Marveled in the fact that the “cool people” sat at our table. Our table! It was amazing. Dean sat next to me and I got to smell his hands because they smelled like Jesus. Don’t ask. I have no idea. They did smell good though. I had an actual conversation with Dean, Liz and James. I also had a brief conversation with some person I don’t know, who sat at our table and annoyed me when I said (in a joking manner) that I was scared of the drunk people, that I should just ignore them because it’s not like I was ever going to see them again. Um, hello, strange person who I don’t know but who has a great voice, did I ask your opinion? Did you pause to think that maybe I was making fun of them? Bryan called them drunkards all night (well, from oneish to two-thirtyish). Did you tell Bryan to not worry about it? No, you did not.
8. Talked to Bryan and Beth about how Jesus was either a vampire (my theory) or a zombie (Bryan’s theory). Yes. We are aware that we’re going to hell, Mom. But thanks for pointing it out. Again.

I can not wait for next Sunday. It will be very exciting. Beth is working out a plan that will allow us to only miss one week of karaoke when we go to Portugal. Some might say we were karaoke junkies. Oh, wait, that would be us.

Previous Comments:

At 7:03 PM, Anonymous said...
Hey, I'll try to find a bar. God help me.Also, we say "bacon". Pretty much like you do only slightly bigger emphasis on N. Chuck the bad bad book.Johnny
At 7:07 PM, Anonymous said...
Hey, I'll try to find a bar. God help me.Also, we say "bacon". Pretty much like you do only slightly bigger emphasis on N. Chuck the bad bad book.Johnny
At 7:08 PM, Anonymous said...
Bloody buggery Blogger! Bah.
At 4:50 AM, brooksba said...
Ah, karaoke gone wild. That was a fun night. And we have a gift idea! Hee hee. I don't think that phrase book will be good for anything, other than amusement at karaoke. Portugal! Portugal! I'm getting a litte overly excited. Yea! Must. Sleep. Now. Can't stop laughing at the story my boss told me tonight about when he was 15 and got kicked in the jewels by a heffer and landed in a pile of cow manure. I almost pooped my pants. Then he fell. Hee hee. It's been a little bit of a crazy week.Love ya!Beth
At 6:10 AM, Weary Hag said...
I always crack up when I read about your and Beth's antics over the weekends! Sounds like you two have a blast no matter where you go!