Friday, December 29, 2006

Now something that is not about the plague or a meme

Last night, in between dashes to the bathroom, Keem and I were watching Whose Line is it Anyway? (Oh, my God, how I love that show, Colin Mochrie, if you ever decide to leave your wife and come see me, I'm in Minnesota), the British version. We have this recorded on our pretty shiny DVR and Keem was fast forwarding through the commercials when we saw yet another commercial for Doctor Who. I used to love the show when I was 16 but haven't seen any of the recent epsidoes. Pretty shiny Doctor Who who is played by the really hot guy who played Raymond Calitri in Gone in 60 Seconds.

Anyway, in this commercial, he is staring directly at you (well, the camera but you know what I mean).

DW: Do you want to come with me?

Keem and I have had responses to this, usually along the lines of "Yes, please" and "Oh, you are so very pretty" but Keem topped them all last night.

Keem: You can Doctor my Who anytime.
DM (falling over with laughter): What?
Keem: You heard me.
DM: I am so blogging that.
Keem: No! You can't!
DM: Oh, yes. Yes, I will.

You would think that, with all of the enjoyment we get out of watching the commercial, we'd actually watch the show but not yet. Maybe when our 453 episodes of Whose Line have all been watched (this is what you get when you do a series record).

Oh, and proof positive that my happy pills are working, the other day I had to take a bus. I got on the bus and the three or four men in the back of the bus started making comments about how I was a big woman and also "El Grande." Now, instead of focusing on the fact that they were criticizing my weight and how I must climb into a hole because I'm just a big fat cow that doesn't deserve to walk the planet, instead I thought "Hmm. Technically, when you call me 'El Grande,' you're calling me 'The Big.'" Of course, they weren't Hispanic but still, dudes. If you're going to insult me, get it right.

I may adopt that as my new title. Instead of the Queen of the Universe, you may find me signing documents as The Big. It kind of has a nice ring to it.

And I decided on a New Year's Resolution. The Mountain Dew has to go. I'm not so sure that I can continue to blame my recent weight gain on Seraquel and may need to focus on the four or five cans I manage to drink every other day or so. Stupid Mountain Dew. Why must you be so yummy?

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse

I just want to let you all know that I am having a crappy day. And when I say crappy day, I mean literally.

Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to go to your boss and say "Hi, Cheryl. I need to run home and get a change of clothes because I didn't make it to the bathroom in time." It is highly embarrassing. It is beyond embarrassing. It is horrible and depressing and God, I just want to go home and cry. But I can't because I am a) out of vacation time and b) one illness away from going on a formal warning and losing all of my special projects and I'm sorry but you are not taking my special projects away. Fortunately, Cheryl (who I LOVE) drove me home so I didn't have to take the bus.

I am feeling like the proverbial camel who has had her back broken by one too many FREAKIN' proverbial straws. I have to eat. I am aware of this. Food is important because of the whole nutrition aspect and all. But the constant running back and forth to the bathroom every five minutes (that might be a slight exaggeration) is wearing on me.

Please God, could we start the New Year now? Maybe a do-over for me? How about a new Commandment - Dana shalt not be horrifically embarrassed by her bodily functions ever again? Is that too much to ask?

Beth, please forgive me but I will not be going to karaoke tonight. There's no way. I just can't handle this anymore. I am hoping against all hope to finally be over with this stupid freakin' plague I've been attacked with to be able to spend a worry-free evening on Sunday.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

A Year in Review

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Fell in love. Really and truly. Not fake infatuation crap. The fact that it's unrequieted just makes it even more fun and exciting. I know. It's sad. But it works, in its own little twisted way. I adore him, he's a great friend and neither of us would have the slightest idea to make a relationship work.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any last year. I'm not planning on it for this year. Well, that's not true. I'm going to ask Deb about the lap band. I'm not sure that it'll go any farther than that but I'm going to ask.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth or adopt?
No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. However, Eric's aunt Jo died on Friday which is sad.

5. What countries did you visit?
Canada.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
A receipt from the IRS saying that I've paid them. It's not going to happen but one can dream, right?

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January 15, 2006. The day that I told James how I felt about him. And compared him to Batman. Adam West Batman. Good Lord, what was I thinking? Oh, right. I was drunk.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Moving to the counter. Getting to be the back-up Quality Assurance Monitor.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Fail? Me? Please. I like to think of them as unexpected pit stops on the road of life. I would have to say that it would be completely screwing up my checkbook twice and ending up in major debt. Extreme debt. I'm sort of coming out of it but I'm still getting a lot of calls from creditors.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Oh, yeah. Bronchitis is not our friend.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Does my new apartment count? I didn't buy it, I'm renting it but I love it.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Beth and Keem. Two of the greatest people ever. If not for them, I wouldn't be here.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
A former friend who decided that he was going to completely cut himself out of our lives by telling a whole bunch of lies. It didn't really depress me, it just pissed me off.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Um, overdraft fees.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to Canada with Beth. Road trips are so awesome.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
Whatever song Bryan comes up with on the weird half drum/half guitar like instrument that Beth and I gave him for Christmas.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
happier
b) thinner or fatter?
fatter
c) richer or poorer?
poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I don't know, actually. Getting rid of stuff before I moved, I suppose.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Getting sick. I hate being sick.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Well, it's after Christmas. Mainly I spent Christmas Eve with Eric, Kari and Josh at Rob and Betty's. Christmas Day I spent at home. Listening to Eddy meow because I'm not Keem.

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
I admited I was in love in 2006. That was hard.

22. How many one-night stands?
Excuse me while I laugh hysterically. That would be a big fat zero. Not that I wish I would have had a one-night stand, exactly, but you know what I mean.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
HEROES! Lost, How I Met Your Mother and The Class as well.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I try very hard not to hate anyone. I don't hate the former friend I mentioned, I'm just glad he's no longer in my life.

25. What was the best book you read?
Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman's Good Omens. Jodi Picoult's My Sister's Keeper (even though it made me cry horribly). There are too many to list.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Ok Go. I love them.

27. What did you want and get?
To kiss James. Granted, I was really drunk at the time but I can still summon the tingle I felt in my lips.

28. What did you want and not get?
You know, I don't know. I don't think I really want for anything. I've got good friends, a great apartment, a good job and wonderful happy pills. Life is pretty great.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
I can't say that I had a favorite. I really liked Superman Returns. I can't think of what else I saw, other than X-Men 3. I pretty much like every movie I've ever seen, except for two.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Spent it with Beth. Went to the Chalet. Got a card from James.

Obviously I was repressing about my age. I was 39. Sigh.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I don't think I really am lacking anything. Even my unrequieted love works for me. I'm not good at relationships at all and, as weird as it seems, it's nice to know that I love him. As frustrating as it may be to know that he's quite possibly the most perfect guy in the world for me, in the long run, I'm better off not dwelling over what might be and concentrating on what a great friend he is. Of course, this will change when I see him again and fall all over for that stupid goofy smile of his and then I will want to smack him across the forehead for not recognizing my greatness.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Fashion? What is this fashion you speak of? Right now I'm sitting here in my oversized linty black shirt that I managed to spill ketchup on, with my graying hair that I'm too lazy to dye myself and which I hacked my bangs off. I am a fashion nightmare. Not that I care. Oh. I guess that's my fashion concept. I don't care.

33. What kept you sane?
Beth. Keem. Effexor and Seraquel

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I fell half in love with Hiro on Heroes. More with the character than the guy that plays him but Masi Oka is pretty damn cute.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Stupid people voting against gay marriage. Again.

36. Who did you miss?
Johnny. I really want to see her again. I really want to be in Portugal.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Diana. Well, meeting her in real life.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
Don't stop taking your Happy Pills! They're there for a reason (yes, as I type this, I have run out of them but I see Deb on January 2nd and Effexor takes forever to leave your system).

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Either "It’s no dream; we can live the world anew" or "Invincible oh oh oh
So please use your powers for good. Please use your powers for good." The first song is by Jim Broggia - Live the Proof (discovered on Pandora). The second song is from Ok Go.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas

Hello, all. I hope you're all having Happy Holidays. I'm at home right now, listening to my cat meow like crazy because I am not Keem. He seems especially whiny now which I think is because of the move and that he's not feeling 100% like the cherished and adored cat he is. Oh, well, tomorrow Keem will return and he will relax and things will go back to normal. Meaning he will ignore me and follow her around as though she is his connection to oxygen.

Kari picked me up on Saturday and took me to Urgent Care where I learned that I had (surprise!) Bronchitis. I was given two prescriptions, one for Zithromax and another for Albuterol because my inhaler has pretty much died. I've not been able to fill the Albuterol prescription. Target wanted $25 for it because they didn't have my usual prescription. To this I said "No way!" and told Kari I would be fine as long as I didn't do anything strenuous. "What's strenuous?" she asked, watching me slump over the shopping cart, trying to concentrate on "Just put one foot in front of the other!" "I'll be fine," I said again. "As long as I don't walk. Or breathe too hard."

I was at her house since then, except for a trip to Rob and Betty's last night. I was supposed to go to Eric's mom's house today but I'm just feeling too weak and tired to really deal with people right now. Eddy and I are going to go and get something to eat and then I'm going to go take a nap before Eric has to come back tonight with my bag from SA that I left in the car. Whoops.

I hope you're all having fun. Love to all.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Oh my golly, have a holly jolly meme I've never seen before

Found this at Robert~Marlene's blog. Been too long since I've been over his way. So nice to have hi-speed Internet so I can visit more often!

Explain what ended your last relationship? Um. Let me think. Oh, I suppose it might have been him* saying to me, a week before we moved in together, that we should just be friends. And even though we still had a "relationship" (in other words, we had sex once a week on Sundays. I don't know why Sundays. I think it was because it was the only day off we had together) for awhile, it pretty much ended when he started dating this busty and incredibly stupid woman. She was welcome to him. He was a nice enough guy but he was extremely condescending at times.

*The link doesn't really have anything to do with him - it's just the only post I remember ever writing about the guy.

When was the last time you shaved? I think it was on Monday. Tuesday was a business casual day and I needed to wear a skirt.

What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.? At work. Answering calls. Oh, the excitement.

What were you doing 15 minutes ago? Reading Robert~Marlene's blog. Were you not paying attention?

Are you any good at math? Pfft. No. I can add, sort of, I can even multiply (preferably with calculator. I'm better at subtraction and division (not long!) but fractions can throw me for a complete loop. Let's not talk about algebra, okay? I sometimes have nightmares about algebra.

Your prom night, what do you remember about it? Hmm. Let's see. I was dating Mark then (my first boyfriend, he of the comic book addiction and life of crime stealing road signs) and we decided not to go to Prom. Instead I had sex for the second time in my life, in the back seat of an Omni (NOT recommended. Omni's are horribly small little hatchbacks. The rest is detailed in the popular Green Duckies story - The Tale of the Blue Stiffy.

Do you have any famous ancestors? Yes, I do. There's an Edmund Vittum who wrote several books, including one called The Vittum Folks. There is also Harriet Vittum who was a famous lawyer. And there's some Belgium violinist with the last name Vieuxtemps who is also a relative (pretty much anyone with the last name Vittum or Vieuxtemps is related to me).

Have you had to take a loan out for school? No. I got a Pell Grant.

Last thing received in the mail? My cable bill. I'm really irritated with them because I still have not had my installation waived. And is it really worth it to have cable and hi-speed internet when it costs $120 a month? Possibly.

How many different beverages have you had today? Two. Water and Mountain Dew.

Do you ever leave messages on people’s answering machine? What would be the alternative? Whistling Dixie?

Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to? Helen Reddy. I know. And, to quote Robert~Marlene "Oh, and by the way, it's 'To whom did you lose your concert virginity?'"

Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? I don't think so. I'm pretty sure I just pretend I am making sand castles but really I'm just using it as an excuse to dig a lot of holes.

What’s the most painful dental procedure you’ve had? I have summed it up quite well here. The pain and horror of dealing with the UltraSonic Scaler. As a Pisces, I should have known anything to do with a scaler is bad.

What is out your back door? I don't have a back door. Unless you count the door leading to the parking ramp.

Any plans for Friday night? No. It's Friday right now. Mainly I'll be listening to my cat meow a lot because I'm not Keem. Perhaps I will have a cookie.

Do you like what the ocean does to your hair? I don't get this question. What makes the ocean so much different than swimming in a pool or a lake?

Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns? I used to work for a Kandy Shoppe and may have even bought one of these tins. They are fairly annoying, actually.

Have you ever been to a planetarium? I believe so. I think there is one here in Minnesota. I seem to remember a lot of stars on the ceiling. I may have been rather young but I remember it was cool.

Do you re-use towels after you shower? I do. I hate laundry.

Some things you are excited about? Christmas. Going to karaoke on New Year's Eve. Having a 3 day weekend two weeks in a row.

What is your favorite flavor of JELL-O? I'm not overly fond of JELL-O. I suppose I like orange. I'm more of a fan of JELL-O pudding.

Describe your keychain(s)? One Batman figurine, one Serenity key-chain, two Sharpies that Beth's mom gave me (Beth's mom rocks). One key.

Where do you keep your change? In my purse until I feed it to Pig. Pig likes change. Then I rob Pig when I am tired and need Mountain Dew.

When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people? Um, no clue. I sing in front of large groups of people (well, no, not really).

What kind of winter coat do you own? It is faux leather. It used to be Keem's. It has a hood and these weird hanging things that have, in less than 5 minutes, got stuck on the garbage bag thingy in Keem's car and then, after I finally released myself, got shut in the car door.

What was the weather like on your graduation day? That was in 1985. I'm pretty sure that it had to have been raining because graduation took place in the gym.

Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed? Partially closed. I sleep in the nude but Eddy needs to get inside to use the litter box.

Wasn't that fun? I do love the memes. And here is a shiny blogthing for you all.


You Are a Yule Log

While you do have holiday spirit, you have a secret, heathen past.



This post is brought to you by the letter "Q"

I was reading Udge’s blog today and every time I left a comment, the word verification thingy would have “Q’s” in it. Now, you might be wondering why I would notice “Q’s” and it is very simple. I like them. They remind me of Star Trek: TNG and the nickname for myself that one of the managers at the NABABNA phone center came up for me – QotU (which is Queen of the Universe). “Q’s” are happy letters. At least they make me happy. They are sort of like BALLOONS! to me. They are vaguely BALLOONS! shaped when you think about it.

Because “Q’s” make me happy and I could use some happiness (nothing’s majorly* wrong, I’m just sick of being sick and almost hacked up a ton of Mountain Dew this morning because some moron decided today would be the perfect day to drill holes in the counter and the dust was horrible and I couldn’t breathe and my inhaler is pretty much empty and then I started thinking about The Hand That Rocks the Cradle and that really bad scene where that lady almost dies because Rebecca DeMornay has gone psycho and is blaming her for her husband’s death (who is played by John DeLancie by the way who played Q on Star Trek: TNG which is kind of cool when you think about it because my mind goes in these weird looping circles but always comes back together) and then I kind of freaked and I started coughing and then had to walk away from the counter and hide out in the bathroom for awhile), I’ve decided to bring you a list of some of my favorite “Q’s.”

*Did you know that majorly technically is not a word? Spell Check rejects it and I had to check Dictionary.com to make sure I wasn’t losing my mind. Apparently it is slang and got its start between 1980-1985. Boy, can I date myself. Between this and rockin’ I just scream “Hey, I graduated in ’85!”

Anyway, without further ado, I bring you a list of “Q” words that make me happy:

Actually, sorry, I need to let you know that today’s word of the day is “flibbertigibbet” and I love that word. It’s so cute. Okay. Let’s carry on. No more distractions. I promise.

Please. You believed me? No more distractions? No, I now bring you a conversation between Co-worker John, Co-worker Rykken and myself:

DM: We have a Thesaurus (up at the counter (which I just discovered this morning)). Do we have a dictionary?
Co-worker John: I don’t think so.
DM: But I need a dictionary. I need a list of “Q” words.
Co-worker Rykken: Why?
DM: Because I am doing a post on my favorite “Q” words.
Co-worker Rykken (Laughing): Well, if they’re your favorite “Q” words, why do you need a dictionary? Shouldn’t you know what they are?
DM: See, I knew you’d get logical on me. I need to look at them and be reminded which ones are my favorite.

Co-worker John does not try to be logical (he has learned it doesn’t work, especially since I just accused him of conspiring with Beth about chicken) but starts listing off “Q” words. Rykken does as well.

Co-worker Rykken: Queen.
DM: Well, of course I love that word.
Co-worker Rykken: Queue.
DM: I love that word. It is very cool.
Co-worker Rykken: Yes. It is one of my favorites as well. But you have to wonder why there is the extra “UE?” It doesn’t make any sense.
DM: I know! That’s part of the fun.
Co-worker Rykken: Exactly.

So there are times when Co-worker Rykken and I do see eye to eye. Well, not really, since he is very tall (and bearded. I love the beard. I refrain from telling him that, though. I don’t want to scare him. I already told him he was very rugged and lumber-jacky once) but close enough.

Okay. Favorite “Q” words. Here we go.

Quack – Well, of course. How could I not love it? Ducks quack. I like ducks. I like rubber duckies. And green duckies. And real ducks, of course. In fact, I’m pretty much fond of all birds. Except vultures. They’re not that cute. And I doubt very much that they chirp.

Quaint – It’s just a sweet way of saying odd, don’t you think?

Quite – I like it because adding it to a phrase makes you sound somewhat British. And we all know what an Anglophile I am.

Quartet – I am a secret fan of Barbershop Quartets. I love four part harmony. Oh, let’s face it; I love all harmony, mainly because I couldn’t harmonize if my life depended on it. It’s kind of like winking.

Quantum – Only because it reminds me of Quantum Leap and all that Scott Bakula/Dean Stockwell goodness.

Quash – Because it is like thwack – a word that sounds like what it means. Onomatopoeia is a stupid word for something I adore. Mainly because I don’t know how to spell it half the time.

Queer – But I only like it when it means bizarre or curious or eccentric or oddball or outlandish or peculiar (hmm, can you guess that I pressed the Thesaurus into duty?). I do not like any other meaning that people may have put upon it. Which is one of the reasons why I don’t use it very often.

Quell – CRUSH! Annihilate, squash, suppress! Onomatopoeia strikes again! I quell the forces of evil with just one look! My God, I am a dork.

Quick – For some reason, every time I have to do a rush, I also say “Quick like bunny (but more like “queek”). I do not know why this is. No one seems to know why this is. It drives me nuts but it is so much fun to say.

Quip – Because they are funny. I like the funny.

Quagna – Just because he was hot and it was a pretty damn funny story.

Quizzical – It has a “Q” and a “Z.” Did I mention I like “Z’s?” Because I do. Not so much words that start with “Z’s” but words that have “Z’s” in them. Like quizzical and pizza and bizarre.

That is pretty much it. No, I’m not desperate for posting ideas at all. Why do you ask?

Do you have favorite “Q” words? Or is there a letter of the alphabet that you are fonder of then the others?

And just because it made me laugh:

Your Pickup Line Is
Do you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

No one asked me if I was dreaming about a White Christmas

ARGH! It's snowing! Big gigantic fluffy flakes that are really kind of cute but that is so not the point. The point is, I was enjoying our strangely warm Christmas season (well, 34 degrees is warm for this time of year). I liked the fact that I didn't have to tromp through snow or start wearing shoes with a better grip on the soles.

And the worst part of all is that I have a desk with a window now and we can't take pictures at work. It is killing me to watch the snow fall and not start snapping away.

Hey, when I promised a post about not being sick, no one said it couldn't be a meme

This is the one via Ruth which I gleefully stole from Beth:

Favorite seasonal movie? – How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the original one, mind you), It’s a Wonderful Life
Song you most enjoy this time of year? – O Holy Night (preferably NOT the Josh Groban one, he doesn’t do it justice), Silent Night and I’m also quite fond of the Heat Miser/Snow Miser songs
Decorate, inside? Outside? – I’m really not a decorator myself. We live in an apartment so it is a bit difficult to decorate outside. I have put my trio of holiday rubber duckies in my bathroom. Next to my Santa Frog.
Do you make a list? If so, how many people are on it? – A list would indicate that I am organized. I am not organized.
How up to the last minute do you shop? – I am sometimes still shopping after Christmas, depending on when the person and I get together to exchange gifts.
When do you open your gifts? – Whenever I get the chance. I can be sneaky. I used to open presents long before Christmas, being careful to not rip the paper. Mom caught on and started using way too much tape so I couldn’t open the presents.
Holiday food you most savor? – I would kill for Slacie Klace, if I knew how to spell it or make it. It is a very German recipe and I haven’t had it since my Grandmother died.
Favorite holiday book? – I could be really annoying and say it is the Bible but I would be lying (plus, in the move, I may have accidentally thrown my Bibles away (I am so going to Hell but they reminded me of unpleasant people and I don’t need the memories)). If pressed, I would probably say How the Grinch Stole Christmas.
New Year Resolutions? – Um, yeah. What’s the point? I’m going to break them. Although I did keep the following New Year’s Resolution – in 1990, I vowed to kiss every guy at the party I was at. In 2005, I vowed not to kill anyone.

Added questions:
Wrapping paper or gift bags? – Please. Gift bags. I am all about the convenience. One year I ended up doing decorative gift boxes because it was easier than gift bags.
Real tree or artificial? – I’m allergic to real.
When do you put up the tree? – Whenever Keem decides. This year we’re not putting one up. No biggie. She’s thinking we might go for a tabletop next year. Not a bad idea considering we don’t have any room for a tree.
Do you like eggnog? – Blech. I like the idea of eggnog. I just can’t stand the taste of it.
Favorite gift received as a child? – Books, books and more books. It was awesome. I don’t know where she got them but my Mom gave me something like 20 books, including the first Trixie Belden book.
Do you have a nativity scene? – Somewhere. It’s made out of Quartz. Or some sort of crystal thing. It’s kind of tacky but cute.
Hardest person to buy for? – Oh, that’s easy. Beth. We have completely different tastes and she is less likely to be fascinated by a pop-up map of the Twin Cities.
Easiest person to buy for? – Kari. She tells me what she wants, I give her money and she goes and picks it up.
Worst Christmas gift you ever received? – Last night, when shopping with Beth, we had the following conversation:

DM: I don’t think I can think of a Christmas present I ever received that I didn’t like.

Brief pause.

DM: Oh, wait, yes, I can.
Beth: Was it an El Camino model that you have to put together?
DM: Yes, it was. Please. Did the guy* know me at all? You know what the difference between him and you are? You would never buy me a model El Camino.
Beth: No, I’d probably drive you around and have your picture taken with various El Caminos.
DM: Yeah! That would be so cool. Or you would put the stupid model together for me and paint it orange, like you know I want my future one to be.

*Adam. And no, he didn’t know me at all. He also once gave me an urn. Granted, the urn has pandas on it and I like pandas but I still keep looking at it and wondering whose ashes I’m going to put into it.

Mail or email Christmas cards? – Um, yeah, I forget to do either. I’m thinking about doing a Christmas letter one of these years. Just for the heck of it. I promise not to be totally smarmy.
When do you start Christmas shopping? – Last paycheck before Christmas.
Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? – Not technically. Recycling indicates that the person doesn’t know it was given to you previously. I usually will say “Hey, I got this and I have no use for it. Want it?”
Clear lights or colored on the tree? – Don’t do the decoration but I am all about the colors. Multiple colors. Bright. Shiny. Yay!
Travel at Christmas or stay home? – Where would I go?
Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? – Um, you know Dasher and Dancer and Comet and Cupid. Somebody and somebody and Donner and somebody else. I think that would be a no. Wasn’t one of them named Bashful?
Angel or Star on the tree top? – You know, if I keep asking Keem these questions, she’s going to hurt me. The correct answer would be “How the heck do I know? I don’t pay attention to these things.”
Most annoying thing about this time of year? – People. People in their shoving, pushing, annoying, let’s forget the whole reason behind Christmas in our need to outdo everything we did last year, cranky, grumpy way. Did I ever mention that I spent 10 years working in the mall at Christmas? Yeah, not a big fan of the shopping this time of year.

Monday, December 18, 2006

There's nothing quite like that new desk smell

Do desks actually have a smell? If they did, would I be able to smell it? Probably not, a bit stuffy right now.

I am back at work. You can tell this because I was actually able to get into Blogger today without resorting to setting up a new blog just to get to the stupid dashboard. I don't know why it won't pull up the login screen.

I have moved desks. I moved very far, one whole desk. On Thursday, since I was busy hacking up a lung (or two), Cheryl (my incredibly wonderful and cool boss) let me pack up my old desk into 6 boxes (6! Six! How is it possible for me to have 6 boxes of stuff? That is just so wrong) so I'd be ready on Monday. Why I thought I would actually have time to work on a Monday is beyond me.

My new desk is right next to the window so I get to stare out at the Subway parking lot. Although I am right next to a tree and sometimes birds hang out in the tree and they chirp. A lot. Which makes me happy because I like birds. Especially those that chirp.

There's this product called Shower Soothers and it had this new exciting vanilla mint scent so I decided to buy it. Yeah. There's a problem with this. I can't smell the soothing vapors unless I hold the tablet right up to my nose. That would not work very well. Very difficult to shower that way, plus, according to the label, it heats up when it comes into contact with water. You know what my luck is like. I would end up with 3rd degree burns on my nose.

I have discovered another product that actually seems to work - Tylenol Severe Cold something or another and I love it. The only complaint that I might have is that it makes me a little goofy. Okay, okay, goofier. Several times Keem has said something that is slightly funny and I burst into this hysterical raspy laughter that almost has me falling over. Apparently I am scaring her.

Um, doctor. Yeah. I do have an appointment. Granted, it is for the 2nd but still, it is an appointment. Deb is on vacation and I also have to take an entire day off just to go to the doctor because of the stupid bus route. Otherwise, I talk Kari into taking me (which she is doing on the 2nd). I'm slightly paranoid about seeing doctors other than Deb, mainly because the other doctors in her office are trying to kill me. I'm serious. The last time I went to Urgent Care, I was given cough syrup with Codiene. I stopped breathing during the night. Not exactly what they had in mind. The other time, one of them gave me Biaxin which makes it feel as though someone is taking a very rusty spoon and using it to cut out my stomach. Very slowly.

I did manage to make the cookies. I found this awesome recipe for Israeli Rugelach which I adore. At least I'm pretty sure that I've had them before. I just want to let you know that, while it does say the cookies are supposed to be sliced into wedges and then rolled, this is impossible. The dough keeps breaking and then there is cinnamon and mini chocolate chips everywhere. It's quite sad, actually. There is probably some secret hand rolling technique passed down from generation to generation that I missed out on, quite possibly because I found this recipe on the web (my family doesn't have a cookie tradition. We have a really heavy potato stuffing-like thing tradition). The cookies are are little different looking. I finally gave up and said "Screw you, Cookies." I just laid the dough flat, tossed the filling over it and cut it into bars after they finished cooking. I am quite possibly the only person in this world who can be thwarted by cookies.

Anyway, I'm feeling somewhat better. Thanks for all of your well wishes, I appreciate it. I promise to do a post about something non-illness related soon.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

There's no place like home for the holidays

And that's where I'm going to be staying for some time.

Not to completely gross you all out but I think I have moved from bronchitis to pneumonia to some form of the black plague.

Keem has been exorting me to "cough it out," to get rid of the crap that has invaded my lungs. She may have regretted this yesterday.

After she got home, we sat down in the living room to watch a show. She was telling me about her day and I wanted to spend sometime in a room that was not either my bedroom or the bathroom.

Keem: And then I got to be on the Help Desk...
DM: Hold that thought. I'll be right back.

Fifteen minutes later, I am back on the couch. Freshly showered (I'm not going into much detail here, okay? Figure out why I would have had to take a shower) and ready to hear the rest of her story.

DM: Okay.
Keem: Cheryl was asking me to help her out with a project.
DM: Um, yeah. I'll be back.

This repeated for about an hour.

The nice thing about having a DVR is it is really easy to pause things when the person you're viewing the show with has to keep running off to the bathroom every fifteen minutes or so.

Finally, we finished watching the show and it was time for bed. The only way I've been able to sleep is if I take a 100 mg tablet of Seroquel. It knocks me out for about four hours and then I cough.

As I was taking my pill, I had to go to the bathroom again. Oh, yay.

And then I started coughing.

Keem: Are you okay?
DM: Cough. Cough cough cough. Cough. Haaaaaaccck. Gaaaaaaaggggg.
Keem: That didn't sound good.
DM: Yeah. You know how you keep telling me to cough that crap up?
Keem: Yeah?
DM: I just did.
Keem: That's good.
DM: No. No, it's not. I coughed it up on me.
Keem: What? Oh. Eew.
DM: Uh, yeah.

There's a scene in Ghost Busters that quite perfectly sums up this entire moment for me. Peter Venkman (aptly played by Bill Murray) comes across the green ghost/slime creature thing. It gets him. As he's standing there, his co-workers show up and Peter says, in just the right tone, "He slimed me." If you haven't seen this movie, of course, this will make absolutely no sense to you. But I slimed myself. It was, in a word, horrific.

I am alternating between the slime, coughing up the mucus that has invaded my lungs (and quite possibly pieces of my lungs), running to the bathroom constantly with other issues (and having to shower a lot) and I didn't think it could get any worse. But it can. Oh, believe me, it can!

Today I coughed so hard that I ended up, um, how do I put this tactfully? Well, let's say this. I am considering wearing a diaper. Or maybe some Depends. They were good enough for June Allyson. The sad thing about this is that it happened more than once.

I'm supposed to do laundry, I have Christmas presents to buy and cookies to bake and I don't know when I'm going to accomplish this. If it gets any worse, I'm going to have to have Keem take me to the Emergency Room.

This is the worst that I have felt in a long time. The last time was probably after I got back from Mexico. That was fun, being out of work for three weeks.

Beth, I'm very sorry and I wish it could be different but I am not going to be able to go to karaoke tomorrow night. At this point, I don't know if I'm going to go anywhere again.

Anyway, if you could all say a prayer or light a candle or maybe think some kind thoughts or rub a Buddha's belly or the spiritual gesture of your choice, I would really, really appreciate it.

Got to go, Keem is getting tired of me coughing on the computer. I am supposed to go to bed like a good Dana. Love to you all.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Silent Night (hack, hack)

Yeah, I'm getting desperate for titles.

In the last few days, I've felt that my body suddenly decided to have a party and didn't tell me about it. I can almost hear the hilarious sitcom like activity.

Stomach: Hey! Let's have a party!
Lungs: Okay. That sounds like fun.
Brain: Do you think we should let Dana know about this?
Stomach: No. You know how she gets. She's still mad at me for the time I was acting up and she had to drink that chalky antacid for a month. Remember how the doctor threatened to shove a camera down Throat? She was terrified. Hee!
Throat: Yeah, you laugh but believe me, I would have had my revenge.
Brain: Guys. That was 20 odd years ago. Let's not rehash this again.
Lungs: I'll send out the invitations.
Stomach: Oh, I got a better idea. Let's just post flyers all around town.
Brain: But, um, don't you think it might be a better idea to stick to a guest list?
Lungs: Brain, you're so boring. Guest lists are so 90's. Party hearty, dude.
Brain: Oh, yes, you're so hip. I wash my hands of you.
Hands: Don't tell us what to do, Brain. We'll wash ourselves when we are good and ready. And forget that antibacterial stuff you're always telling us to use. It's so boring.

A few minutes later.

Lungs: Hey, dudes, come on in. The party's just getting started. And I don't care that you're complete strangers and look a little shifty.
Airborne Germs: Don't mind if we do. Hey, get a good whiff of my new cologne.
Lungs: Oh, hey, that's really great...cough. Hack. Cough. What do you call that?
Airborne Germs: Oh, it's a knockoff version of the bubonic plague. It's called Minnesota Misery.
Lungs: It's nice...haaaaaaack. Cooooouuuugh. Oh, I'm sorry. That's just nasty. I wonder how that happened.
Airborne Germs: Don't ask us. We're going to go visit the rest of the body now.
Stomach: Woo-hoo! New party-goers! I'm so excited to see you!
Airborne Germs: Hey, we brought you a party gift.
Stomach: Oh, thanks! It's...lovely. What is it?
Airborne Germs: A ticket to non-stop partying action in the bathroom of your choice!
Stomach: Wow! That's awesome...um, excuse me, I need to just exit quickly here.
Airborne Germs: No problem! We'll just hang around and get to know everyone here! It's great!
Brain: Intruders! Intruders! OUT, you damn spots that I'm seeing flash before my eyes. Why am I so dizzy? I'm just spinning around and around and I can't focus on anything. Aren't I supposed to be doing a job right now? Maybe help these people who keep on calling me? I think I'm going to go take a nap for a couple of days.

If you haven't guessed, yes, the bronchitis is back. And it is in my lungs and stomach and my brain doesn't work anymore and my God, I hate this. No one should have to live like this. I can't even use my CPAP because my stupid nose is so clogged up that I can't breathe. Breathing is important. Just in case you were wondering.

I am waiting for the bus to come, another 20 minutes and I will be on my way home. And to my bed where I'm not leaving for the next few days. Thankfully, my wonderful awesome boss whom I adore figured out that I have a day of PTO left. I don't know where it was hiding but I am taking it. I had 3 hours of overtime that is now being put towards standard hours and I stayed from 7 to 12:20 today (it was going to be noon but a customer came in at the last minute and I had to help them).

I know I am not dying, not really, but it sure feels like it. I hate this. Adios, amigos. Know that I'll be thinking of you. I'll catch up on you all next week.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Memories of bronchitis past

In my last post, I mentioned in the comments that my recent nose bleed had triggered a few memories and I have a story to tell you.

Let's go back in time, my friends, to the late 1980's or early 1990's, when our heroine (that would be me, in case there are any doubts) worked in the Maplewood Mall (to be known as "the mall" from now on) for a company called Taco Bell. The mall had done some remodeling and the food court was being moved from the strange circular area in the middle of the mall to a new, state of the art food court off of one of the department store wings. The old food court, by the way, was mentioned in a post I did in December 2004 and it was very funny and it is somewhat Christmas related and yes, I am begging you all to read it. I have no shame.

Anyway, one of the absolutely spectacular things about living in Minnesota is the awesome bronchitis that I got every single year. And, no, it wasn't because I smoked approximately a pack of cigarettes a day, this was something I had been getting since I turned about 13. No clue why I was chosen to receive this wonderful gift but hey, who wants to look a gift bug in the mouth, right?

When you have bronchitis, one of the lovely benefits is that you can't sleep. This is because your lungs keep filling up with fluid and then you hack up a lung trying to get rid of the fluid. Believe me when I tell you it is gross. Plus you have to work because, hello, you work in fast food and fast food franchises are not exactly known for their wonderful health benefits and you have no time off so you are taking a lot of severe cold medicine (because you can't get the stuff you need because you don't have any health insurance as well) that makes you wired and a little goofy.

During this onset of bronchitis, I finally fell asleep at around midnight. And then I had this incredibly bizarre dream where my bedroom was in Taco Bell's store room and the owner of the restaurant was standing over my bed, yelling at me because I was daring to sleep instead of moving anything. And I looked at him and said "Dude. It's 3 in the morning. And you're in my bedroom. Back off." I wake up and look at the clock. It is 3 in the morning. I have to get up in 3 hours. Great. I manage to get maybe another hour of sleep.

The next night, I am sleeping. No odd dream this time. The odd dream would almost be welcomed because I would have been actually sleeping. But instead, the phone starts ringing. I stagger out to the living room, grab the phone and prepare for the worst. At 3 in the morning, phone calls do not usually bring good news.

Well, it's not bad news, exactly. What I am greeted with is the extremely drunk voice of my ex-boyfriend, Mark, who has called me to share some exciting information with me. Here is our call:

DM: Hello (groggy, sounding somewhat frog like)?
Mark: DANA! Hi!
DM: Hi (puzzled).
Mark: It's Mark! How are you doing?
DM: Uh, tired. Sick. Tired.
Mark: Guess what I did tonight?
DM: Uh...not sure I care.
Mark: I stole a stop sign!
DM: Really. How exciting (no inflection whatsoever here).
Mark: Yeah! It was great!
DM: Mark. Why are you calling me?
Mark: I thought you'd want to know.
DM: No. I want to go back to bed.
Mark: You don't want to hear about how I stole a stop sign and eluded capture from the police?
DM: Not really.
Mark: You’ve changed.
DM: If, by changed, you mean that, since I'm no longer dating you, I'm not pretending to be interested in everything you say, then yes, you're correct. I have changed. Good night.

Okay. I may not have said the last thing. I really don't remember anymore.

The third night, I woke up again at 3 in the morning. This time from the coughing. Oh, the coughing was so great. And my nose was stuffed up so I decided to blow it. This might have been a mistake. The next thing I know, I'm watching a ton of blood explode out of my nose. Not fun!

I run to the bathroom, trying to get it to stop. I try tipping my head back. I try the ice cube across the bridge of the nose. I try stuffing a roll of toilet paper up my nose (slight exaggeration but not by much). Nothing works. And then I'm suddenly coughing up blood. I freaked out. I run into my roommate Anya's bedroom and tell her I need help. She takes one look at my blood streaked face and decides to take me to the Emergency Room. She calls our friend Becky as well, completely freaking Becky out because her mother is dying of cancer and she thought that was the call to say "Hey, sorry, your Mom's dead."

Becky and Anya bundle me off to the ER where I don't have to wait too long. A nice nurse helps me get the nose bleed under control but decides I still need to speak to a doctor. I am okay with this. Until, of course, I actually meet said doctor.

Bitch Doctor (BD): What seems to be the problem here?
DM: My nose started bleeding and then I was coughing up blood and I can’t sleep and oh my God, I’m so tired and please help me, oh kind lady.
BD: Well, when you have a bloody nose, the blood runs down the back of your throat and into your stomach. So you’re just coughing up that blood. It’s nothing serious. Didn’t you know that?

I do not respond for a moment since I am shocked at her tone. This woman needs to work on her bedside manner.

DM: Um, no.
BD: Well, it’s not serious. You just have bronchitis. I can’t believe you didn’t know that.
DM: I knew I had bronchitis…
BD: No. I mean about the blood. You need to take these pills and get some rest. Don’t go to work for 3 days.
DM: Okay.
BD: Now get out of my emergency room and let me help people who have serious problems.*

*Okay, no, she really didn’t say that but that is sure how she made me feel.

I meet Becky and Anya in the waiting room. It is now about 4:30. Both of them have to get up in less than two hours. I am feeling somewhat guilty about this. It’s decided that we should go get some breakfast. I’m supposed to take the pills on a full stomach but the doctor didn’t mention that. The nurse was the one that told me this and suggested I get something to eat right away.

Becky, Anya and I end up at Arby’s. They’re open 24 hours. Right now they are having a promotion – spend so much money and you can receive either a Pound Puppy or a Pound Purry. I think you can predict what happened next.

DM: I want a Pound Purry! I want a Pound Purry!
Anya: Okay, okay. Just calm down.

The Pound Purry is placed into my hands. He is orangeish and quite adorable.

DM: He needs to have a name. What should I name him? Hmm? Name, name, name. Oh! I know! I’ll name him Captain Kitty!
Becky: Captain Kitty? Why?
DM: Like Captain Caveman! I love Captain Caveman!

Captain Kitty is then propelled by me to swoop around the back seat.

DM: Swoop! Swoop! Captain Kitty to the rescue!
Becky: If Captain Kitty doesn’t sit down and shut up, he’s being tossed out the window.
DM: Gasp!

I’m not sure if it was the blood loss or the pills or maybe the combination of both but I started to get a little goofy. I think the expression “bouncing off the walls” would work well here.

DM: And then I did this and I did that and I have been so tired and I really feel quite well now and I like these pills a lot and isn’t my Pound Purry so cute and I can’t believe I have to take 3 days off and…
Anya: You. Shut up. Now. My God, do you ever quit talking?

Apparently my newfound energy was not welcome, especially since, when I was brought home, Anya’s alarm clock was ringing. I was told to stay in bed and there was to be no smoking! If I was very good, perhaps I could get up later and watch television.

It took forever for me to calm down enough to sleep but finally it happened. And then, there is a knock at the door. It's about noon, I've managed to get maybe two hours sleep, I've lost blood and I'm very sick and my brain is not working at all. What's the best thing that could possibly be waiting on my door step? Yes! A kid trying to sell magazine subscriptions. Great. I have a hard enough time resisting them when I'm on top of my game.

I try very hard to say no, the kid keeps pushing me. I even tell him that I really can't make a decision right now because I just came back from the hospital and need to recuperate. His response? I can read magazines while I get better. I came very close to giving in but then my hero showed up. Darrel, Becky's fiance, had been sent to check up on me. He quickly sent the kid on his way and ushered me inside where he broke Becky's no smoking rule and gave me a cigarette or two. Bless him.

Anyway, long story short (too late), I finally got better, the bronchitis returned every year until about 3 or 4 years ago, when my doctor Deb (not a Bitch Doctor at all) told me I needed to quit smoking or I was going to die very soon (asthma, cigarettes and bronchitis do not go together well). I managed to quit (what a horrible experience that was!) for about six months to a year and then started sneaking cigarettes again. Now I only smoke when I go to karaoke. Deb is okay with this as long as it doesn't start screwing with my lungs again (plus I was smoking over a pack a day and have gone to maybe a pack a week).

This story has been on my mind since Friday (what with the nose bleed and everything) but also because I can feel the dreaded bronchitis return. I wasn't able to go to karaoke on Sunday because of the coughing fit that turned into vomiting up lunch. I had to ask for projects today because I can't concentrate on the phone since I'm not sleeping (coughing through the night, of course) or I start coughing during the call and have to put people on mute. I'm alternating between too hot or too cold. Oh, and my ribs hurt. From the coughing. And I hate this. I hate being sick. I hate knowing that I have to get through this somehow because I definitely don't have any PTO left over and can't afford to take a few days off to recuperate. And do you know how sick I am of Orange Pineapple juice (64 ounces is a lot to drink in one morning)?

I think I am done whining now. I hope you're all having a better day than I am. Love to all.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Reason #453 why I hate winter

Dry air. Dry, freakin' air. And static caused by the dryness. I hate it. I hate the insides of my nose feeling like a Triscuit (thanks for the description, Beth!), I hate not being able to touch anything metal without getting shocked, I hate the fact that my cat is finally coming to me for attention in the morning and I keep getting little jolts every time I pet him.

But the worst thing about the dry air? Waking up this morning and getting a bloody nose. There's nothing like standing in your bathroom and watching the blood stream out of your nose, splash all over your neck and breasts* and plop, plop, plop in the sink. Looked like a CSI: episode by the time it was done.

*What? I sleep in the nude. Good thing too, otherwise that would result in additional laundry. After doing 5 loads last weekend, I'm avoiding it for a little while.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

O Memey Meme, the memes were brightly memeing

Welcome to the 2006 Holiday* Edition of Getting to Know Your Friends! You know the drill. Don't be a Scrooge McDuck!!!

*Yeah, they say holiday but this is all about Christmas. Not a Hanakkuh or Kwaanza question in the bunch. I apologize for this meme's obvious bias. But I was bored.

1. Eggnog or Hot Chocolate? Hot chocolate. Eggnog is disgusting. Although I do like the smell of it.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just put them under the tree? He wraps them.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? I don’t know. Keem does the decorating. I think it’s colored lights on the tree.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? No but hmm, maybe I should start doing that. Especially at the Chalet.

5. When do you put your decorations up? I don’t. I like to be surprised. Keem puts up the tree and I take pictures of Eddy helping her.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? I’m not sure of the spelling and I haven’t had it in years but it is Slacie Klase and it is this very heavy German dish made out of potatoes that sits at the bottom of your stomach like a rock but is so worth being really uncomfortable right after you eat.

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child: Sneaking up on my mom in the basement and seeing her wrap tons and tons of books as a present for me. Going to my Grandmother’s house for Christmas.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? What are you insinuating here? What truth about Santa? He’s not an axe murderer, is he?

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? We always got to open one gift as kids. Now I go to two celebrations, Eric’s Dad’s house on Christmas Eve and Eric’s Mom’s house on Christmas Day.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? I don’t. Keem does. I think it has blue stuff on it. And lights. Maybe a garland or two.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? I have mixed feelings about snow. I can handle a little bit of it, especially if it is fluffy. But I can’t stand the really wet, thick stuff that makes everyone tense about driving.

12. Can you ice skate? I haven’t been on ice skates in at least 25 years. The correct answer is no.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? I’ve got some awesome gifts over the years – my barrister bookshelf from Mom and Kari, wonderful presents at the Sheepsheadian Gift Exchanges but the best present would be Panda. My Grandmother gave him to me when I was 7 and he’s going to be 32 this year. Right now he’s been skinned and is hanging in my shower, waiting for new stuffing and to be sewed in some places.

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? I want to say presents but that’s just wrong (but I really like presents) so I’ll say getting together with family and friends and watching Josh’s excitement and interpretive dances (he’s so my nephew).

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? Pecan Pie, baby. Bring it on. I am also fond of Cinnamon ice cream with some sort of apple thing.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? I don’t really have one. Since Kari’s the only close relative I have here, I just go where she tells me I’m going. I will say that I’m very fond of the Swedish meatballs that Rob makes for Christmas Eve. Yum.

17. What tops your tree? Again with the tree questions? Do you not pay attention? I don’t do the decorating.

18. Which do you prefer - giving or receiving? I am equally fond of both. Receiving is awesome but it is also a lot of fun to come up with theme gifts for Beth and Keem. Not that I have any clue what my theme is this year.

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? Silent Night (Franz Gruber is my many great uncle by marriage), O Holy Night (but I’m getting sick of Kool 108 only playing the Josh Groban version) and Blue Christmas (Hey, I love Elvis. Shup).

20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum? It’s not so much yum as it is fun to suck on the candy cane and make it into a point and then stab your sister with it (okay, we were young. And yes, we got into a lot of trouble. But no one put out an eye). I do like candy canes with hot chocolate, preferably with some peppermint schnapps added. Or butterscotch schnapps but you really can't put candy canes in that, it just tastes funny then.

This was fun. If you’re interested, try it yourself. I needed a new post.

My reaction to this was "Oh, great. That's just awesome." Why, yes, I was being sarcastic. How'd you know?

Your Birthdate: March 11

You may watch someone from afar before you finally decide to make your move.
It takes a long time for you to develop an attraction to someone.
Generally, you prefer to pick who you love. Anyone who tries to rush you is in for some heartache.

Number of True Loves You'll Have: 1

Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 1

You are most compatible with people born on the 2nd, 11th, 20th, and 29th of the month.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Hey, take another piece of my heart, you rat bastard*

*What Janis really meant.

I haven't seen him in approximately two weeks. I've done okay. I've gone whole minutes where I haven't pictured him in my mind, that stupid half smile that makes me weak. I've thought "Hey, I'm over this. Unrequited love sucks and I want nothing more to do with it so I'm going to be strong and forget about him. We're friends. I can handle this."

Yeah. Right.

He walks in the door and my heart leaps.

I ended up saying to him last night "You know, I love you but you're really irritating sometimes." And then had to cover it up by saying it was one of his little indiosyncracies instead of what I wanted to say which was "Hello! I'm right here! We're supposed to be together, you idiot! And please stop touching me because it makes me crazy and I just want to grab you and kiss you! ARGH!"

I'm trying to decide which is worse - the minute possiblity that something might work out or knowing that it never will. I think sitting next to him, adoring him as much as I do and knowing that he doesn't see me the same way I see him, is quite possibly the most painful thing I've ever experienced. Of course, it could be worse. He could live 25,000 miles away from me.

God, I just want to punch him sometimes.

Friday, December 01, 2006

And yet again, technology escapes me

Hello! I have shiny happy internet service now! Whoo!

Keem and I had the following conversation this morning.

Keem: I was talking to this guy about signing up for NABABNAonline.com and he wasn't able to do it so I said he probably had a problem with his internet service. And he laughed and said yes, probably, he has dial up. And then I laughed and said I used to have dial up. He said it religiously connects at 43k each time.
DM: We had that. We did. But now we have 6! Six! I have no idea what that is but I like it!
Keem: That would be 6 megabytes per second, Dana.
DM: I still don't know what that means but I don't care! Six!

Do you know what this means now, dear Internet? Do you? It means I'm going to be doing some major blog surfing in the next few days to come. Well, as soon as I get a modem for my room (the guy installing didn't have the actual work order because the other guy was running late so he only had one modem but Keem's computer works after I called Comcast and said "hey, it doesn't work" and he said "it's a problem with your network interface card" and I said "huh?" and he said "Try a usb cord" and I said "huh?" again and he suggested I have my roommate call (But he was really impressed at how fast I navigated the system to try all of the different problem solving options he had for me. As I explained, if it's software, I'm okay. Hardware confuses me).

Fortunately Keem knows these technical things and was able to install the usb cord today and now we have internet!

Yeah, and in case you think, okay, well, Dana, these are rather technical terms, it's okay that you don't know what they are, let me tell you about the five minutes it took me to figure out that the reason I didn't have a dial tone this morning was because, when I switched phones to hook up the cordless phone (for some reason we have only found one phone jack in the entire apartment), I kind of forgot to put the little phone cord thingy into the phone base. And yes, I have been known to tell my boss that my monitor wasn't working and have him come over and have him plug it in. Sigh.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

My new mantra

It used to be "Don't Worry, Be Happy." Hey, you have to admit it's a catchy song.

Then it was "I am not a feline dominatrix (old email address was badbadkittygirl)."

It changed to "Don't kill anyone. For the love of God, put the fork down." Well, mainly that was Beth, trying to keep me from breaking my New Year's Resolution.

My side bar lists one of my favorites - "Embrace Chaos. Adore Chaos. Give Chaos a big kiss on the mouth." I also enjoy "Some people march to the beat of their own drummer. I have my own percussion section."

But my new one, the one that has kept me from snapping and throwing things out the window (not a good idea when you live on the 26th floor) in a desperate bid to finally finish cleaning, was as follows:

"Screw the damage deposit."

Keem and I were sitting on the couch, trying to get up the energy to get in action for hour 8 of the 10 1/2 hours we spent in stupid cleaning mode yesterday, and one of would list off something that we needed to do.

Keem: I need to wipe down the light fixtures.
DM: Screw the light fixtures.

Brief moment while we drink some water and pretend it's a pina colada on the beach.

DM: I need to change that toilet seat.
Keem: Screw the toilet seat.

Brief moment where we giggled because we were incredibly punchy (exposure to lots and lots of bleach based cleaning products) and tired.

I also have another mantra. "I am never moving again. I am never moving again. I am never moving again."

I have decided that if Keem or I ever get married, our new husbands are just moving into this apartment. Or they can have their own apartment on another floor and we'll just make conjugal visits. Works for me.

But we're done. Except for moving the couch, two lamps and two stools, everything is upstairs. Scattered everywhere. But it's there.

Missy, if you could send Marco on over, I'd be forever grateful.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

In response to Beth's question

Beth asked on the last post if we were all moved in. Here is my response.

Pfft. *Uncontrollable sobbing* Pfft again.

No. We are not all moved in. There is much stuff scattered throughout our apartment, the majority of it in my room. I see no end in sight. Because after the moving upstairs, there is the cleaning.

Dear God, the cleaning.

I am never moving again. Ever.

Just for the record, Beth, there's no way I can go to karaoke on Thursday. I am not even close to being done. Sunday, though, I'm there.

Monday, November 27, 2006

How is it possible to accumulate this much crap in 4 1/2 years?

Hello. I am somewhat moved in. Somewhat. Meaning not at all where I want to be.

Where do I want to be? In a spa. With a really attractive man that is trained in massaging. I am very, very, very, very, very, very sore right now.

Oh, and apparently, I'm allergic to dust. If I would have know this, I might have actually dusted my stupid room once or twice a week. How did I find this out? The gigantic horrifically swollen right side of my face. And my eyes starting to swell shut was kind of an indication as well.

I've smashed my fingers, dropped something on my foot, managed to steer a flat bed into countless numbers of walls (Kari finally said that I can't try to drive the flat bed until I get a license), was attacked by spoons (why I decided to put them on top of a box in the closet, I'll never know. You'd think I'd put them INSIDE the box) and amused my sister greatly when I tilted a laundry basket to move it and managed to spill all of the dust inside of said laundry basket over my face.

3 year old boys are very cute when they want to help you move. Unfortunately, they are not very helpful.

Yes, Eric did show up. I didn't have much doubt about this, especially after Kari stopped talking to him for a day.

Friday, November 24, 2006

50 ways to kick your brother-in-law's ass

Just hit him with a shovel, Dougal.
Shove him out the window, Joe.
Bury him in the back, Jack.
Make sure he's got an insurance plan, Stan.

I could go on and on.

The reason for this mangling of 50 ways to leave your lover?

I call my sister today to tell her what I want for Christmas. The really cool George Foreman Next Grilleration with the 5 (FIVE!!) removable cooking thingies (I believe they are called plates but thingies also works and one of them is even a waffle maker which is very handy because I killed our waffle maker the other day). My bother-in-law (spelling deliberate) picks up the phone.

Eric: Pat got me a free ticket to the game.

The game, for of those of you whose entire life doesn't revolve around football, would be a game between the Minnesota Vikings and someone else, possibly the Cardinals. I'm not sure what state the Cardinals are from. I only know about the Minnesota Vikings because I live in Minnesota.

This game takes place at noon and ends at 2 PM.

DM: Your point?
Eric: Why can't you move tomorrow?
DM: Because they won't let us in until Sunday.
Eric: But its a free ticket!
DM: Your point?
Eric: Kari! Your sister is on the phone.

I talk to Kari for a little bit. I tell her what I want. Fortunately she has also seen the commercial so I don't have to be very technical (especially because I keep referring to it as the Grillinator).

Kari: Eric can't help you move tomorrow.
DM: I heard.
Eric (in the background): I didn't say I was going to go. I said I was thinking about it!
Kari: You can tell what his priorities are. Apparently football is more important than family.
DM: I guess so.

I personally think this is revenge for the fact that he left the room yesterday and Gina (his step-sister-in-law (? Well, if his Dad and Betty ever get married) turned the channel from football to HGTV and I wouldn't let him change the channel back. He spent 3 hours watching various home makeover shows and was less than pleased.

There was also the comment I made later. That might have something to do with it.

Rob (Eric's Dad): Where's Eric?
Kari: I think he's in the bathroom.
DM: No, he's checking his reflection.

We all laugh. This occurs often. Eric is a tad vain.

DM: At least we know Eric will never become a vampire. He wouldn't be able to check his reflection out.

We laugh harder.

Eric: Yeah, I'm not helping you move on Sunday. Make a smart-ass remark, get a smart-ass consequence.

He'll be there. I know my sister. She can guilt anyone into doing what she wants.

Monday, November 20, 2006

A test of my ability to follow directions

Beth posted this after gleefully stealing it from Udge. Well, I'm assuming she stole it gleefully. That's how I steal my memes. And yes, I'm aware that the whole purpose of memes is to use them on your own site but I like to be different. You knew that, right?

The One Word Quiz:

You can only answer one word. No explanations.*

*You could also refer to this as The Quiz to drive Dana absolutely insane. One word? Please. Oh, and since there's a question here about my favorite book and it is more than one word, I will be printing it all together. So there. I'm a rule breaker, baby! You can't contain my madness!


1. Yourself: Sore
2. Your spouse: Pfft
3. Your hair: Greying
4. Your mother: Arizona
5. Your father: Dead
6. Your favorite item: Books
7. Your dream last night: Bizarre
8. Your favorite drink: MountainDew
9. Your dream car: ElCamino
10. The room you are in: Work
11. Your ex: Forgotten
12. Your fear: Irrational
13. What you want to be in 10 years: Retired
14. Who you hung out with last night: Karaoke
15. What you're not: Logical
16. Muffins: LemonPoppyseed
17: One of your wish list items: Money
18: Time: Long
19. The last thing you did: Typing
20. What you are wearing: Neutral
21. Your favorite weather: Budding
22. Your favorite book: Kane&Abel
23. The last thing you ate: Lunch
24. Your life: Odd
25. Your mood: Wistful
26. Your best friend: Spectacular
27. What you're thinking about right now: James
28. Your car: Nonexistant
29. What you are doing at the moment: Humming
30. Your summer: Fun
31. Your relationship status: Fictional
32. What is on your TV: Dust
33. What is the weather like: Cold
34. When was the last time you laughed: Today

You're all tagged. If you want to be. I can be flexible.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Sometimes I wonder where I get a reputation for being weird...

And then I agree to be interviewed for my company's newsletter and read the finished product and everything is made clear. For your reading enjoyment, I bring you 30 seconds with Dana Vittum.

Our exclusive interview with the Self-Proclaimed Queen of the Universe. Here is but a brief glimpse into that universe.

Q. When did your involvement with NABABNA begin and how did you get to where you
are today?
A. Started on January 10th of 2000. I left the dark-side to come to NABABNA phone center, and I worked in the phone bank for 4 plus years and then I came to Stock Holder Services in October 2004, that’s how I got here.

Q. What do you like most about your job?
A. I like the variety, I like the fact that I am not being screamed at by people with overdraft fees, who don’t understand that its not bank error. I like customer service. Its really a big thing for me, and I want to provide good customer service. I find that here, I have the opportunity to do so, but there’s also enough variety that I’m not getting asked the same question over and over again.

Q. Are there any hobbies you’d like to share?
A. OH gee, let me think, uh, karaoke, Thursdays and Sundays, you’re all invited, Sundays are better. Scrapbooking...I have a blog, I scrapbook. Did I mention scrapbooking? I might have mentioned scrap booking, but that’s very important. I like to travel, I went to Portugal a couple years ago. So I like to do stuff, especially road trips, they’re great because they involve taking pictures and that means scrap booking! I also like to read transcripts of television shows.

Q. What’s your favorite cubicle decoration?
A. Oh gee hmm...Frogs! Lots and lots of frogs and those are actually, I call them green duckies because my friend Beth, who’s a friend of Kim and mine, went out around Christmas and I love rubber duckies cause you can sing the rubber duckie song, and so I saw those and I was all happy and I’m singing the song to myself and I turn and see big rubber duckie eyes but they were green and I’m like {gasp} ‘green
duckies!’ and then Beth said, ‘No, Dana, those are frogs.’ And then she left Mervyns cause she was laughing so hard.

Q. What is my cost basis?
A. Unfortunately NABABNA (thanks, Beth!) does not calculate cost basis, however if you need to order statements I can help you with that.

Q. What’s something other people don’t know about you?
A. That I’m shy. [When nervous] I have a tendency to babble and just throw a lot of information out there. That’s how I survive. A lot of people, when I say that I’m shy, say I seem to be the exact opposite. I am also the self-proclaimed Queen of the Universe, most people don’t know that, but I’m not insane. I promise. That’s something else people probably don’t know about me, that I’m not insane.

Q. When you were a kid what did you want to be when you grew up?
A. A Super Friend, a gangster’s Moll, and a writer. I wanted to be a gangster’s Moll not because I wanted to rob banks but because I wanted to wear a polka-dot dress. I loved the 20’s, flappers and everything like that.

Q. Which Super Friend?
A I’m not sure but it had to be something to do with Aquaman and because I figured we were perfect for each other because I am a Pisces and he spoke fish, so it worked perfectly. But, you know, it never worked out.

Q. If you had 10 days to live and a million dollars, what would you do?
A. Go to Portugal. I love Portugal it was very European in feel, its not overly expensive. Kind of like Mexico, if you get can get money from somewhere else to live there its worth it. The people there are so friendly; I can’t tell you the amount of times people just came up and started talking to me in Portuguese because apparently I look Portuguese.

Q. Are there any additional pastimes other than the ones you already mentioned?
A. I’m addicted to the show Heroes you should watch it ‘cause its wonderful. Hiro is perfect, he’s Japanese, and he likes Karaoke and he quotes Star Trek, and he likes comic books. He’s just so perfect and he can stop time! That’s cool, I mean, that’s an awesome power. I like to read too, anything pretty much. Anything science fiction or fantasy, depends on the author. I like novels with dragons in them. Nora Roberts is my favorite author because she is a very suspenseful writer.

Note: Dana has more than 25 frogs in her cubicle.

If you haven't guessed, they pretty much just put a tape recorder in front of me and let me babble. This is verbatim (well, other than the fact that I really don't work for a bank called NABABNA).

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

GAR!

Beth is right. Sometimes it works to talk like a pirate.

So. If you offer telephone service, wouldn't you think that you would put, in BIG BOLD font, that you don't offer it in freakin' Minnesota so that the person who is calling you for residential service doesn't find this out after being transferred 4 different times? FOUR!

Anyway, my plan today was to get caught up on blogs on my lunch but obviously I'll be spending it Googling telephone services. I love Google. Why can't telephone plans be that simple?

Monday, November 13, 2006

Randomness, Thy Name is Dana

Hi. I have ten minutes to tell you about absolutely nothing. Why? Because I feel like it. It is fun to share my minutiae with others. It makes me feel important. Like using the word minutiae. Yes, here at Green Duckies and Other Tales of Dana, we're all about the lording it over others and making them feel like crap. Oh, wait, no, that's not me. That's someone else that works here at NABABNA and just received a promotion. She irritates me. Not because she received the promotion, mind you, because I didn't apply but just because she does. See? Random.

My shoulders and arms hurt. I feel as though I spent the last few days wrestling with someone (preferably someone who happens to be shiny and a former wrestler turned actor. No, I am not referring to Jesse Ventura (although I will admit to being somewhat attracted to him at one time). I am referring to my beloved The Rock) but unfortunately that is not the case. I am not sure why I am sore. Oh, wait, I'm moving. That could be it.

I have just used the term oh, wait twice in the same post. That is so wrong. Not wrong enough for me to actually change it but I want you to all know I am aware of this.

Did you know that Portugal is the main source of cork in the world? Did you also know that I miss Johnny? Speaking of cork, I bought a cork board the other day and it was thwarting me this morning while I was trying to hang it up on my wall and I was frustrated and may have possibly made sounds of frustration and turned to co-worker John and Rykken for symphathy. Did I get symphathy? No. I did not. Instead I received mocking. Mocking! I know. I am also very shocked.

DM: ARGH! My cork board is thwarting me.
Co-worker John: Ah (this is usually what he says when he is not sure how to respond to my oddness. He says "Ah" a lot).
Co-worker Rykken: Just how exactly is a cork board thwarting you (perhaps that doesn't sound all that bad to you but you should be aware that co-worker Rykken had the smile on his face. You know the smile. That mocking smile)?

I was able to triumph over the cork board eventually. It involved much ARGHing and the occasional poking of myself with a T-pin while co-worker John made soothing noises. Co-worker John did recently have a small child so he's very good at the soothing noises.

Keem and I went and saw two movies on Saturday - Flushed Away (very cute, recommend to both adults and children, the singing slugs are just the icing on the cake that this movie is) and The Santa Clause, the Escape Clause (which was cute, considering that I've seen all 3 movies but also not the most exciting movie ever, if you have to choose, go to Flushed Away. Right now. But not before leaving a comment).

Beth and I went to karaoke last night AND we actually sang. I know! I was shocked as well. It's been very slow on Sunday nights and last week we actually scrapbooked. We did again last night, for a little bit and, as Beth said, we have now managed to combine our two favorite activities. Then these two guys showed up. John and his nephew Corey. They sat through us and, since the rotation consisted of the four of us (with special guest appearances by Christina and some guy named Kurt or Kirk), I spent some time talking to the both of them. John is from California and was visiting Minnesota to deer hunt (poor baby deers! Run, baby deers, run! Preferrably not into traffic) and sing karaoke (although I'm not sure that was listed on his itinerary), Corey apparently lives in the area. They are both incredibly goofy, John more so, and it was a lot of fun watching them. There was a weird moment or two when John decided to sing "Hello, It's Me" directly to Liz for a little bit and then when he told Beth, Liz, James and myself to "Love one another. Take care of one another. That's the bottom line." Um, okay. As Beth put it, he's one of those drunks.

Well, that's it. Thank you for reading and I'll probably catch up on blogs tomorrow. Very busy today. Stupid Mondays. Stupid 7 AM (new hours).

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Good afternoon to you

Eh. I can't come up with a better title.

I'm not even sure what I want to post about. Um, um, how about, no, that's stupid. Um...

Okay. I'm bored. I have no idea what I want to write but I feel vaguely guilty for not writing. Sadness.

Did you know, that even though there's not really that much wind, my sproingy pen that I bought in Wisconsin is bouncing? Probably not. And my Dory from Finding Nemo pen is sort of waving it's fluffy fake fur at me. You didn't know that? You didn't care? I am shocked. Shocked that you don't find this as fascinating as I do. Sigh.

Politically I'm doing okay. I'm not thrilled about Pawlenty being re-elected but pretty much everyone else I voted for was elected. That's good news, at least. Udge had a post today that made me laugh, I'd recommend you read it - about how a dead Democrat beat out a live Republican. Yay! I am not thrilled about Wisconsin's decision to pass a law about what constitutes a marriage. It not only prohibits gay marriage but also makes civil unions suspect.

I've been bored at work and have started making tiny magnets for the holidays. They are simple to make, take a glass beady thing (the type you would put in a vase, the clearer the better), take a word or clipart (either could be from a stamp or computer printed) and shrink it down so that it fits under the bead (usually 65% works on a copier), glue bead to paper, glue small button magnet to bead and paper and you have a quickly made, inexpensive gift that will make people ooh and ah over it (I know this because I've already given a few out today and received both oohs and ahs and the occasional "Dana, you are so thoughtful and great and wonderful." To which I replied, "But of course.")

Tonight is karaoke. I am looking forward to it because it is my last Thursday karaoke until after Keem and I move. I have way too much packing to do and refuse to give up Sunday nights. I cannot wait until this stupid move is over.

Oh, and those of you that might have been wondering, about the comment I made in the last post about stealing a knife for James? Yeah, it was at Manny's. He said, quite simply, "I like this knife." And I said "You want it? It's yours" and stuck in my purse. Quite subtly, I might add. I did the old hide it in the napkin trick which never worked for vegetables but works very well on cutlery. After dinner, we were going to do the exchange out on the street, when we noticed the cop waiting outside. Fortunately he was not there to arrest me for cutlery theft.

Hope you're all having a great afternoon! Vittum out.

Monday, November 06, 2006

NoBoPoMo or whatever you call it

Yeah, the problem about this posting daily? I don't have a computer at home. Amazing how I managed to forget that.

Anyway, had a good weekend. Keem and I went to our company party, that was lots of fun. It was held in this old building near our work that's been renovated and turned into a bar and restaurant. The food was fantastic and there was a hot bartender who actually dug through the trash to get me wine corks*. How can you not love that in a man?

*I collect wine corks because I am going to be making cork boards. It was not a random gesture on his part. But really, what could say "I adore you, strange but somewhat cute woman, let me dig through the trash for you" than him digging through the trash? After all, I stole a knife for James as a sign of my devotion.

We got our pictures taken when we first walked in and there was a nice surprise attached, well, actually two. One was that I looked fairly decent in the picture. Before you tell me to shut up, I am not photogenic. I know that. Yes, okay, I have some pictures that turn out okay but it isn't normal. The second surprise was that we received new frames with NABABNA inscribed on the bottom. Very nice looking.

Also, there was 3 seperate caricaturists and Keem and I decided to get one done of us, something to hang in the new apartment. After making sure that the caricaturist was aware that Keem and I are just roommates (many people assume otherwise and, after seeing the drawing she had done previously, I didn't want a bunch of hearts all over our picture), we settled in for the modeling phase. The picture was great. She drew us both as playboy bunnies and I'm giving Keem bunny ears. As Keem says "This is the best weight loss program ever! Look how skinny we are!"

Sunday I went to karaoke with Beth. Always fun. It has been slow for a few weeks so Beth and I came prepared, bringing some pictures along to plan scrapbook pages for. I actually planned 5 pages in about an hour, so much quicker than my usual staring at the page in despair, trying to figure out what I'm going to do. Beth is brilliant. She's the one that came up with the planning your pages and I am really going to enjoy this. We also spent time speaking to Nicki about religion and politics (set off by some woman deciding that she needed to "save" Bryan. Said same woman kissed both Beth and I when introduced to us and actually screamed when Bryan started playing this song she wanted. Screamed. Like a little girl. Good Lord) and moved on to really bad pick-up lines.

Around 1 AM, Dean, Liz, James and some guy named Doug (?) came up. We had fun talking to them and ended up staying at the Chalet much later than usual. The only song sung the entire night was by Dean. It was that slow. But fun. Fun is always good.

Hope you all had a great weekend.

Friday, November 03, 2006

A Molding Experience

This was going to be two posts but I decided to just continue on the first one and change the date.

There are moments in your life that are fleeting and barely memorable. Maybe that moment, a couple of nights ago, when you stumbled to the bathroom at 3 AM and tripped over the cat. The next day, it seems to only be a dream. But it does explain why Eddy keeps giving me the cold shoulder.

There are moments when the time stretches out and that 60 second episode seems to be more like 60 minutes or even 60 years. Like the afternoon I walked down 5th Street and a man suggested I might want to check my skirt.

"Why?" I asked. He just smiled and walked away.

A few seconds later my face was as red as the skirt I had accidentally tucked into my nylons.

And then there are those moments when you take the experience and learn something from it.

I've had a few such moments in my life. One, of course, would be the Fish Hook Saga. Lesson learned? Do Not Put Fish Hooks In Your Mouth! Your fishy brethren will not appreciate your sacrifice. And many people will laugh at you.

Another moment? The Tale of the Blue Stiffy comes to mind. Lesson learned? Besides the fact that male appendanges aren't actually blue, I also learned that there are some people who will lie and hurt you just for the fun of it.

And then there was this Friday. The day started out badly, my alarm clock decided to completely die and Keem was not overly pleased with me. I had a bad headache that wouldn't go away and decided to take a half day. I went and got my hair cut (this, fortunately, turned out well. It's really cute, if I do say so myself (and I do)) and the shampoo helped relax me and make the headache go away somewhat.

Beth picked me up and we headed off to Manny's, looking forward to an exciting evening filled with great conversation and wondrous food.

Here is where I had the opportunity to make a choice and, once again, made the wrong one.

It's time to order at Manny's. They have a salad that Beth and I both like. They take a tomato and slice it up and take an onion and slice that up. Beth eats the tomatoes. I eat the onions. On the side of the salad is a block of bleu cheese. I love bleu cheese. I take a nice big chunk of it.

Beth: I can't believe you eat that stuff.
DM: But I love it.
Beth: Dana. You're allergic to it.
DM: I'll be fine. I've had it before.

Yes, that's true. And yes, I am allergic to bleu cheese. Mainly because I'm allergic to mold. And I've had it before and nothing has really happened to me. So why not live a little, right?

Why indeed. The chunk I have chosen is veinier than the bleu cheese I've normally had. Plus, hey, our wedge salad is served with bleu cheese dressing. Why not pour a whole bunch of it over the salad and the bleu cheese chunk and then add some creamy garlic dressing for flavor (yummy)?

It was delicious and wonderful. And also a huge mistake.

Two hours or so go by, Beth and I are driving back to her place. I am not feeling good at all.

DM: Ohhhhhh.
Beth: Are you okay?
DM: I don't know. Ohhhhhh. That doesn't feel so good.
Beth: You know, I will take you to the hospital but then you're going to have to tell them that you willingly ingested something that you know you're allergic to.
DM: But it's so good! Ohhhhh.

We get back to her place, Beth does some homework, I sit next to her and she puts in a DVD of this show she's been watching, Fruits Basket. It is anime that her cousin sent to her. It is quite possibly the oddest thing I have ever seen in my entire life. It doesn't help that the first episode I watch is episode 22 about Prince Yuki's fan club and the lengths they will do to prevent another girl from being around him. "Oh, Prince Yuki, I am blessed and cursed to see your face." It was a little over the top. Fortunately the episodes did get more interesting and I fell a little bit in like with Kyo, one of the main characters.

Sarah comes over because Beth is helping her with her homework. We go outside to wait for her. Beth is talking to Sarah, guiding her to a parking spot. I stand there, my face pale, my stomach in turmoil and then it happened.

I stumbled over to the nearest bush and released some of the evil bleu cheese that was torturing me. As I'm wandering off, I hear Beth say:

Beth: Dana? Are you ok...Oh. Okay (To Sarah). Dana's throwing up now.

I head back over towards Beth and then turn quickly back around. The bush is blessed with a lot of steak. And, of course, the bush is also right next to a window so I'm sure that Beth's neighbors were thrilled to hear me yack. It was great fun.

When I was finished, Beth asked me if I was going to be all right.

DM: I think so. And the best part of this was that I didn't have to throw up in the bathroom and that means my knees aren't going to be really sore.

Of course, for the rest of the weekend, I felt as though I had broken a rib or two. That was some violent vomiting. I'm not going to mention the other side effects.

And I did not get a lot of symphathy at karaoke on Sunday when I told James, Bryan and Liz about the experience. I believe the general consensus was "Well, hello, you're allergic to bleu cheese. What were you thinking?"

Yet another lesson for the ages. Bleu cheese is bad. Yummy. But bad.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Happy NoBloPoMo

Sheryl at Paper Napkin has come up with the most awesome parody of a song ever and has written new lyrics to encourage us all to post daily during this month of November. You have got to read this.

And yes, I am passing this off as a post for today. It's been kind of busy and I didn't have time to write on my lunch.

Here, this will tide you over for a little bit.

I'm training a new representative so I'm listening to her calls.

Emily: Thanks for calling, Lenny.

She disconnects the phone.

E: Oh my GOD! His name is not Lenny. It's George (actually I think it was Jimmy but this is more fun).

Another call:

Stock Holder: Can I sell my certificates with you?
E (off of my cue): No, you would need to take them to a broker.
SH: Okay. What about my investment shares.
E (off of my look of horror): May I place you on hold for a minute?
DM: Crap! He can sell the certs through us.
E (back to stock holder): I'm sorry, sir, yes, you can sell your certificates through us.

She finishes the call.

DM: Well. That went great. No, yes, I mean maybe, Yes. I'm such a wonderful peer coach.
E: Well, at least he had a great sense of humor.
DM: There is that. And you didn't call him Lenny so that's good.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

ARGH!

I love this song, I really, really, really do. I love the whole album. But it is driving me nuts that, for the last day, I've had the following repeating over and over in my head.

"Oh, how I miss waking up to the sound
To the sound (sound)
To the sound (to the sound)
To the sound
Waking up to the sound of your voice."

(That sound would actually be Keem SCREAMING at me to get up because I have overslept. Kindly added by KEEM herself!)*

I blame Beth.**

It's Barenaked Ladies, in care you're not sure. You'll never guess what the song is called.

*No, I'm not particularly fond of being yelled at when I've overslept. She is very loud and, hello, I am sleeping.

**Mainly because she has the best playlist ever for iTunes and this is one of the songs on the playlist and I REALLY like it. BUT GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Once again the concept of technology eludes me

Last night, while watching Dancing With The Stars (shut up. Keem watches the show and I only stick around because I like ballroom dancing. And Mario Lopez is hot), Joey Lawrence performed a mambo (or something) to Singing In The Rain. For his rehearsal, they go to the MGM lot and actually practice the dance on the set. Keem and I have the following conversation while watching his rehearsal and performance.

DM: I love that movie.
K: Me too. Do we have it?
DM: Yeah, I've got it on VHS. I wish I had it on DVD.
K: We could watch it tonight.
DM: No, I'm tired. Let's watch it tomorrow.
K: We can't.
DM: Why not?
K: America's Next Top Model and Lost are on.

Shut up. We made a deal. I watch ANTM with her and she'll watch Lost with me.

DM: So? We can tape Lost.
K: Uh, no, we can't do that.
DM: Why not?
K (in tone commonly used to explain things to small children): Because, Dana, we can't use the VCR to tape Lost and also use the VCR to watch Singing In The Rain.
DM: Oh.

Two seconds later, when I get it.

DM: Oh!
K: I cannot believe I just had to explain that to you.
DM: Shut up! Let's just get it on DVD.
K: Someday.

Man, do I want Tivo now.