Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Now for something not weight or money related

So. Holly over at Nothing But Bonfires posted this wonderful survey thing (we're not calling it a meme, apparently) and I liked it lots and hopefully you will as well. It's a great way for us to get to know each other and will distract me from the ups (weight loss) and downs (financial fiasco) of my life.

In Holly's words "Here is what you have to do. You just have to answer five questions. They are easy questions and there is no math required and I will not ask you what color underwear you are wearing, and you can probably do them in ten seconds. And everyone likes answering questions! Right? Or is that just me? I always fill out the “How was your experience?” cards at hotels and restaurants. Sometimes twice." This is a girl after my own heart. No math and I also fill out the 'How was your experience' cards.

Okay. This is weird. My iTunes is playing "I'll Be There" by Hootie and the Blowfish and Hootie just sang something about being alone in Charleston. But I suppose that's probably only weird if you knew that Holly lives in Charleston. Which you probably didn't.

Again, in Holly's words "Anyway, here are your questions. You can be as brief in your answers as you like, or as long-winded. You can dot the “i”s with little hearts if you’d like, too."

1) What are you currently reading? Do you like it enough to tell me to use my $25 gift certificate to Barnes and Noble to purchase it? I would say check it out from the library as Holly did but I have not been able to convince Keem that going to the library would be a good thing. She calls me a book pusher.

2) If you could eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?

3) "If no-one would ever know about it and you’d feel no raging guilt or remorse—and also if you could do it without splattering blood on yourself and totally ruining your shoes—who would you remove from the planet forever? (It can’t be me. What, you want me crying under my desk all afternoon?)" - Again, this was in Holly's words.

4) What is your favorite word? And what is your least favorite word?

5) Please describe your hair.

Here were my answers:

1. My purse book is American Gods - Neal Gaiman. I’m about five chapters in and I’m hooked. My home book is Whiteout by some Follett guy (can’t remember his first name) and I like him as well. He also wrote Night Over Water and that was excellent.*

*That Follett guy is actually Ken Follett and I just finished Whiteout tonight. Not as good as Night Over Water but still, pretty damn good.

2. Um, I’m assuming calories don’t count, right? Because I just joined Weight Watchers and have planned on never eating them again. The salty goodness that are French Fries. Or Garlic Roasted Mashed Potatoes. Or Ribs. Dang it. Now I’m hungry. And I can’t choose!

3. I try to ignore politics but I really, really, really dislike George Bush. But if I whack him, Cheney becomes president. I’m not sure what is worse. Maybe the guy who is running for gov of Minnesota that is a vampire. He irritates me. And people laughed at Jesse Ventura. Please. Jesse’s cool.

4. Favorites are thwack, thwart and segue. I hate the g-d dammit word. I’m not overly religious but that just strikes me as blasphemy. If I ever catch myself using it, I will apologize to God. Does that make me weird? It does, doesn’t it?

5. I have no idea what my natural hair color is - maybe black? Brown? I’ve been dying it forever. Right now it is dyed Cinnamon Stick from a box that has the highlights and regular dye together. Except that I got bored with the highlighting part, took the goop and just ran my hands through my hair. It’s interesting…kind of orangish brown. I’m also trying to grow it so I got a perm and I kind of look like a poodle.*

*And now the roots are gray. Stupid roots. Permanent color, my ass.

Doesn't this seem like fun?

When it's a good idea to listen to the little voices in your head

So lately I've been having some financial difficulties (also known as "Why on Earth am I allowed to have a checkbook?") and have been doing some major scrambling to be able to afford important things like hair dye and groceries and oh, rent. I am not going to tell you how I got into this trouble (not like the previous "Why on Earth am I allowed to have a checkbook?" remark is so cryptic that you'll never figure it out) because it is extremely embarrassing and stupid and sometimes I think that I really need to ask my doctor to up my dosage of Effexor because I do not think clearly in times of stress and make bad choices on how to solve problems. Except that I can't afford to go to the doctor or buy Effexor right now either.

Anyway, last night, as I sat in the bathroom of the Chinese restaurant crying* (My God, that sounds pathetic but I'll list the reasons why in a minute), I kept hearing a voice telling me to call your sister. Talk to your sister. I rejected this as an option, dashed the tears away and went and got delicious Mongolian barbecue (garlic is our friend). Why? Why would anyone sit in a bathroom crying, asking God for help and then reject the one thing that pops into their head as a result of a direct question? Because I am an idiot.

*Reasons why I broke down into tears:

  1. It is Monday. I hate Mondays.
  2. I had 3 hours of sleep because Sunday, the best day of the week, is karaoke day and I didn't get home until 3 AM.
  3. I had the worst headache ever and my entire body hurt and I felt like all my bones were rubbing up against my other bones and there is something extremely painful about that. I don't know how to describe it other than that.
  4. I hate overdraft fees with a passion. Unfortunately, I have no one else to blame for that but myself.
  5. I can't afford Effexor right now so I didn't take any pills for the last 4 days (I only have two left) and I just might be going through withdrawl (withdrawal? Why do I not know how to spell this?) and this is probably not a good idea. Effexor is important.
  6. Did I mention that I hate Mondays?
  7. Why, why, why, why do people call on Mondays and then bitch about the fact that our hold time is so long? Did it ever occur to them that a) it is Monday and 40 other people decided to call us as well, b) it is tax season, c) maybe if you'd read the stupid letter explaining why we rejected your transfer, you would know why we rejected your transfer, you moron, d) what part of RETAIN YOUR STATEMENT FOR TAX INFORMATION do you not understand?
  8. The whole financial fiasco (which is fun to say even though it completely sucks).

Anyway, I came home and saw there was a message flashing on the machine. It was from Kari (that would be my sister). I called her and ended up bursting into tears (yet again) and poured out everything about how I feel like a complete loser and I'm going to be 40 (well, I will be. Not for a little over a year but it's out there. Just waiting for me. You can insert the Jaws music here) and you'd think I'd be able to do just one thing right and why do overdraft fees come in packs of threes (seriously. Every time I overdraw my account, it's always 3 items. Can you say "Bye-bye 99 dollars?" I can) and what was I going to do and on and on and on.

Long story short, I feel much better. She's going to try and help me with part of my problem. It's going to require sitting down with her to come up with a budget (shudder) and spending will be curtailed (which is a good idea and something I've done for the most part) and I will probably need to learn to keep a ledger for my checkbook (does it amaze anyone else that I work for a bank and yet still do not know how to balance my checkbook?).

Anyway, tonight (yesterday technically but you know what I mean) I pulled up My Way and read this after telling Kari all:

Pisces - Somewhere between late this afternoon and early this evening, you'll need to make a decision: whether to let a secret finally see the light of day, or keep it under wraps. Use that famous intuition of yours to make your decision -- and consider the future of all parties concerned. Don't feel guilty if your ultimate decision is to open up and let the truth be told. Every now and then, clearing the air is really the best tactic. For all parties concerned.

It's kind of nice to know that God* will resort to anything to get His point across - even to use my horoscope. And it's really nice to know that I have family and friends who are there to stop me when my thoughts that I'm just a complete loser take over everything that is positive in my life.

*I know that not everyone has the same beliefs about God that I do. I don't expect you to think the same way that I do. This is the difference between me and oh, I don't know, the majority of the really irritating Fundamentalists. But I do believe in God and I do believe He does work in mysterious ways and I do believe that He does talk to us. Not literally. I don't think that the skies are going to open up and I'm going to hear Him say "So, Dana. How about those Vikings?" Does that make sense? I'm not really insane. I promise.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Week 2

Keem and I went to Weight Watchers again yesterday (Week One is here). We had decided to skip the meeting since we are not very fond of the leader. There are two of them, the one we like (whose name I cannot remember) and the other one. The other one did not win my heart when she stood in front of us on our first meeting during Orientation and said "I lost 25 pounds 17 years ago and have maintained that all this time." Both Keem and I know that the important part is not how much she has lost but the fact that she's managed to keep it off all of this time. We know that. No lectures necessary. But when you're sitting there, realizing that you weigh the most you have ever weighed in your entire life and while you know you're making a great change to your lifestyle, it is still a bit annoying to be confronted with a tall, slender woman who is waxing eloquently about her fricking 25 pound weight loss.

There are reasons we aren't fond of her, of course. This isn't the only one. She doesn't have the personality that our favorite leader has (yes. Our favorite. Whose name we can't remember. Actually, now that I think of it, I'm pretty sure it's Lisa) or lead a meeting very well. But that's the one that sticks out the most in my head. I know it's petty but still...a little part of me wants to say "Hey. Can you get a leader whose lost over a 100 pounds? Would that be too much to ask? Because it would be nice to see that kind of success story."

After weigh in, and the dance of joy to realize that I lost another 4.6 pounds (total so far is now 11.6 pounds. Woo-hoo!), Keem and I tried to decide what we were going to do for the rest of the afternoon. The discussion turned to food since we were both hungry. We talked about going to Don Pablos but reasonably decided that as much as the Queso Blanco sounded really frickin' good, it was not a wise choice to make. We ended up going back to the apartment and eating sandwiches. Not as exciting as Don Pablos but a much better decision.

Things that I have learned this week:

  1. Ordering Girl Scout cookies back in January, knowing full well that I was going to join Weight Watchers, was not a wise choice. I was confronted by the absolute stupidity of this decision on Friday when the four boxes (I know! Four! What the hell was I thinking?) of Thin Mints was placed on my desk. I love the Thin Mints. They are evil little cookies with chocolate and mint and crunchy goodness. But you know what? Weight Watchers makes a two points bar that is also chocolate and mint and chewy goodness and they are actually better. Isn't that weird?
  2. I have some of the greatest co-workers in the world. Jodi, bless her heart, when I was talking about the stupid Thin Mints and how I wanted more of them after eating two servings (6 points for 8 cookies. What a waste of points), asked me if I wanted her to stash them at her desk. Yes! I love her. She also works at a wine bar and brings me wine corks. Which is completely unrelated to weight loss but is one of the reasons I love her. Do you drink wine? You should save the wine corks for me so I can make a cool cork board. It would be fun. Well, for me. I'm not sure how much fun it would be for you. You should try it and we can find out how much fun it is for you. I am sure I will receive emails of glowing recommendations about how exciting saving wine corks is and how you just wish you had done it sooner.
  3. Speaking of email, gmail will not load on my stupid, piece of crap computer that hates me so I have a new email address now. It is greenduckiesgirl AT myway DOT com. If you spam me, I will hurt you. I am overweight and will smush you when I sit on you. Trust me. I am a vengeful person.
  4. One of the things that has helped with the weight loss is that I actually listened to my doctor when he said "Just try walking a little bit more each day. Every little bit helps." So, when I print a letter for a customer, I walk to the mail box thing that is farther away (about five cubicle rows) than the one that is right next to my desk. When I'm listening to music, I sort of chair dance. If I'm standing and there is music, I sort of bounce around in place. I once read that fidgeting can help you lose weight so I've become a great fidgeter (I am not sure if that is how you spell fidgeting or if fidgeter is even a word but I don't care. I am such a rebel). Another thing I will do now is, when putting the cart away at the grocery store parking lot, I will walk to the furthest away cart corral. Unless it's below zero. Then I figure I'm losing weight just by living in the stupid state of Minnesota and shivering incessantly.
  5. Weight Watchers makes a Giant Cookies and Cream Ice Cream bar (well, technically I think it's ice milk but seriously, who cares? There's not that big of a difference) that is only 2 points. It is gigantic (probably why they named it the Giant bar) and one of the best things I have ever ate in my life.
  6. Bacon is not 3 points a serving. This is very sad. It is actually 4 points for 3 slices and not 3 points for 4 slices. I somehow feel a little gypped by this. But it could be worse. It could be 17 points for a serving (Chicken Kiev. I have not had Chicken Kiev in years after finding that out. I used to eat two of the damn things at the same time. Oh, the horror when I figured out what I was doing to myself).
  7. Thanks, Mark, I have now found out when I am going to die. So glad I took this stupid test. Okay, actually, it was fun.

I am going to die at 73. When are you? Click here to find out!

Hope you're all having a great week.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Karaoke Junkies of the world unite!

So Keem, Jeff and I are watching American Idol on Tuesday. It's the guys night to sing. One of the singers, Elliot, is telling why he chose the song that he did (for the life of me, I can't remember what it was). He says something along the lines of "Whenever I sing this at karaoke, people seem to like it."

I do the commonly known Power Salute (fist raised in the air) at the mention of karaoke. Keem says, in her sarcastic and MEAN tone "Yes, Dana. And I'm sure your karaoke brethren all saw that."

She's such a bitch. But you got to love her.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Memories of Karaoke Past

Last night, I was visited by the ghost of Karaoke Past. It was a little frightening. The spirit appeared to me with microphones wrapped around it, a high-pitched wailing rendition of "Picture" emanating from its mouth. It was then I realized in horror that I've not done a karaoke update in quite some time. This is terrible. How would you possibly know what was going on at the Chalet? I promised to rectify the situation as soon as possible and the ghost went away, to my relief.

Unfortunately, I haven't been keeping very good track of what happened when so we'll have to rely on my memory (which is not the best) and comments from Beth to fill us in on anything I might have missed.

Several weeks ago, we arrived at karaoke and were pleased to see others of our group show up shortly after us. There was a man who was sitting near our table that kept walking back and forth to the pull tabs booth. When Sara decided to pull a couple of tables together, she enlisted his help. Sara is both blonde and buxom and the man was more than pleased to assist her. He also tried to engage us in conversation.

Man: I see you've got your communion together.
DM: Do you mean our commune?
Sara: It's our...um, what's the word? The word for a group of witches?
DM: Coven?
Man: Your covenant?

It amused me that not only did he not know what the correct words were but he kept using religious terms.

A week ago Sunday, our resident celebrity (besides Bryan) Dan Lang was there (he was in Bryan's band, Medium and Beth, Angie and I all have his autograph. He thinks we're weird). He decided to sing "When I'm 64" by the Beatles which is my favorite Beatles song ever. My next favorite is "PS I love you."*

*Beth once left a comment saying that she thought I was more of an Elvis girl than a Beatles girl and that is correct. I do prefer the sultry voice of Elvis over the Beatles. However, the post I was writing about was about how I asked a group of girls why they listened to New Kids on the Block. Hadn't they ever heard of the Beatles? Their response? "They're old!" Stupid kids. So I was comparing one male group to another.

Later on in the night, the decision was to go to the wheel. This is also referred to as karaoke roulette. It's played by Bryan asking for a number from 1-100 and that decides the disc. He'll then ask for a number of 1-18 and that decides the track number. We did have the option of tapping the person out if the song was something they had never heard of before.

I don't remember all of the songs but we did manage to maneuver (ever so cleverly) Dan into singing "I Touch Myself." That was hilarious. Our clever maneuvers included whispering "Hey, let's have Dan sing (whatever the number is for the song. Beth has it memorized. I don't (I should clarify that Beth loves numbers and has a tendency to memorize all of the song numbers that she sings and most of mine. Not because she sings "I Touch Myself" on a regular basis)). That would be funny." And then we would shout out the number. Bryan, in an attempt to thwart us, would ask a random person for the track number. He chose John (semi-singing regular) this time but fortunately (for us, not so fortunately for Dan), Dan didn't know the song and was tapped out. When Bryan asked John for a new number, John conceded to peer pressure.

Dan said, right before the song title came up "Hmm. I'm not sure this is good when all of you start shouting the same number." What can we say? We are evil.

Dean was also there and he participated in the wheel. I'm not sure what song he ended up with. Beth also participated. She was less than thrilled with her song "Baby Got Back." She did a pretty good job of it but it's a song Dean usually sings and we consider it sacrilege if someone else sings it. So she was having some issues with it. "But it's Dean's song!" she said.

I ended up with "White Rabbit." It's never a song I recognize the name when it appears on the screen but you know it the minute you hear the music. It immediately conjures up images of watching the movie "Go Ask Alice" (and apparently I'm going to have to watch it again because William Shatner was in it. How do I not remember this?) and remembering reading the book. There are two scenes I remember from the movie clearly - one was Alice and her friends stoned at her brother's birthday party and her parents had no clue but her brother knew. The other was when she went to treatment and one of the patients was talking about getting stoned. What she said to that always stuck with me - "He's getting high just talking about getting high, and you're getting high off of his high, and I'm getting high off of your high. And it's one big contact high."

Anyway, apparently I did a good job with the song so my memory finally worked and helped me out with something (finally). Dean told Beth it needed to be added to my list.

Bryan decided that we were going to form a new church. His opinion was that, since there apparently is a church of vampires somewhere in Minnesota, why couldn't we form our own church? We would become the Church of the Angry Frankenstein Monsters. We had a lot of fun pretending to be Angry Frankenstein Monsters. Rhianna (regular), Troy (recent regular) and their friend (small blonde woman whose name I have not yet learned, also a regular) are also going to join our church. Troy sang a song that Bryan introduced as the most homo-erotic song ever. We had a great time laughing over the lyrics and had to agree with Bryan's theory.

Friday night, Beth and I journeyed up to Wild Tymes to see Angie. That was fun. Dean was up there as well and I was going to sing "White Rabbit" for him. Unfortunately, I do not remember things very well and gave Angie the wrong number so I had to pick another song. I did end up singing it later and I gained an audience of several attractive males who were singing along with me and told me that I rocked and also, after I finished singing, some girl came up and hugged me and thanked me for singing the song because it was her favorite song ever (I am puzzled as to why her favorite song is about drug abuse but hey, to each their own).

Sunday, we were up at the Chalet again. It was an interesting night. I was in an incredibly great mood because of the whole weight loss and hugged Andrew in my enthusiasm. We (Sara, Beth, Amy, Angie and I) gave him a great deal of crap because he was dressed up (well, for Andrew), wearing khakis and a nice blue button up shirt. If you remember, a month or so ago, I mentioned that Nate had broken up with Becky. To fill you in on the recent Chalet gossip, Nate was actually seeing someone else and ended up marrying her. To the delight of Beth, Angie, Amy, Sara and I, Andrew and Becky have started to date. Possibly. We're not sure if it's official or not but we are all pleased with this. Andrew is a great guy and we all adore him and plus, he has hair so I very much approve. After all, one of my daily affirmations that I created for Becky was that she deserved a man with hair.

Dan was there again and he, Bryan and Angie sang something by Alabama. Rocky Mountain Music? I think that's right. Nice harmony between the three of them.

And, because I am a woman and it is my job to obsess about these things - a week ago Sunday, James sat next to me (after an effective strategy employed by Beth ("James! You should sit by us so we can talk about Lost")). Now, perhaps I am reading way too much into this but if you're not interested in a woman, would you continue to leave your knee/leg pressed up against hers? And when she moved her knee because she wasn't sure if you were doing it or if she's just so desperate for your touch that she subconsciously throws herself at you, would you move your knee back so you were touching her again?

And then, this last Sunday, he didn't sit by me but, when Beth asked him what song I should sing (we had decided it was New Song Sunday again and I was rejecting all of her choices) he said I should sing "Take On Me." This is one of the songs ever. You go from a normal range to high, ear-splitting notes that I couldn't reach if I climbed a ladder. But I tried it. It was horrible. I think I did okay with the normal part but couldn't get anywhere close to the really high note.

Anyway, at the end of the night, when we were all saying goodbye, I had walked past James to stand by the door. I was not touching him, there was a gap in between us, and he moved! Moved so that he was touching me, so that his arm and shoulder was behind me and I was somewhat leaning against him. Why? Why does he do that? Is he trying to drive me insane? I think so.

Tonight is karaoke again, a return to the Chalet. I am looking forward to it.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Week 1

Welcome to a new feature on my blog. I know you'll all be very excited to participate.*

*I can just hear people muttering "What is that freak Dana getting us into this time?" Well, you can just relax. This is something you will all be supportive of. I hope.

Anyway. Keem and I joined Weight Watchers. We started a week ago. I have returned from my meeting with fabulous news.

I lost 7 pounds. SEVEN! In one week! Woo-hoo!

As you can tell, I am somewhat excited about this.

Weight Watchers now has two programs that you can try - there is the flex points which I remember from the last time we went and the core plan. With flex points, you get a certain amount of points that you can use each day and all food has a points value. Once you have used all of your points, you're done eating for the day. This can really help you make a decision if you're really craving, oh, nachos with chicken (48 points. The maximum points you get per day is 34 (it's weight based) but you also get 35 bonus points for the week that you can use if you want) you may need to make a better choice. Or only eat half of it.

The core plan allows you to eat all the food you want, as long as it is certain foods. For example, I can have all of the chicken and vegetables I want. That's exciting, right? Yeah. Keem and I were on the core plan for this last week. Do you have any idea how boring chicken and vegetables get when you eat them every single day? Really, really, really boring. And I ended up cheating several times (damn Valentine's Day. The managers brought in a dessert buffet. I dare anyone to resist really good brownies. It can't be done (Unless you're Beth and Johnny who don't like chocolate)) but I'm actually okay with that - I cheated in moderation. Which sounds weird until you understand something about me.

See, I'm a binge eater. I have learned, throughout the years, to not eat when I'm depressed or bored or needy - only when I'm hungry. But, if I like the taste of something (and I often do because, hello, what would be the point of eating it if I didn't like it?), I will not stop eating whatever wonderful thing it is. Case in point, brownies. Last year, I probably ate about five or six. This is not healthy. I know it is not healthy. But, dagnabit, it was yummy. This year, I allowed myself one. Much better.

So Weight Watchers is a good choice to make. I know this. And there are a lot of good tasting foods that are one or two points only so if I do go on a binge, I'll have the points system to keep me in line (for example, root beer popsicles are only one point each. You can eat an entire box for six points. I know this because I've done it before. I'm not proud of it but it's a hell of a lot better than eating an entire box of fried chicken (been there, done that)).

This week we're going to use flex points. I think it's a better choice. Today we had a very delicious salad with chicken, bacon and romaine lettuce. I measured exactly 2 tablespoons of salad dressing and used the fork trick (learned the last time I went to WW. You get the dressing on the side and dip your fork into it and then spear the lettuce. It's the perfect way to get just enough dressing with each bite instead of clumps of dressing in some places and none in others). Ten points.

I know I can do this. I know Keem can do this. Wish us luck.

Friday, February 17, 2006

The truth shall set you free and also - please feed my ego

Thanks all for guessing on the lying meme I did - it was a lot of fun to see what you guys thought I would lie about.

And now, without further ado (crap, I just realized I used that exact phrase in the last post. I need to come up with other phrases, obviously), here are the answers and a bit more detail about the experiences:

1. When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answers were: Writer, Gangster's Moll and Super Friend.

True! I was obsessed with the Super Friends and had a huge crush on Aquaman (He talks to fish. I'm a Pisces. Obviously we were meant for each other). This was before I realized that my true love was (and still is) Batman, especially when portrayed by Adam West. I'm not so sure why I wanted to be a Gangster's Moll but I think it had something to do with I love the music and fashion from the 1920's and the Molls were usually portrayed wearing polka dotted dresses. I like polka dotted dresses from the 20's. And we all know that I like bad boys but gangsters from the 20's were so much cooler than what we have today. They dressed in suits.

Isn't it nice to know that the only thing keeping me from becoming a hardened criminal is that I find gangsters today aren't fashionable enough? And that I don't look good in polka dots?

2. At the urging of a former boyfriend, I joined the Minnesota Naturists and participated in a swim event. The first time I met his sister was when she jumped out of the swimming pool, completely naked. I also watched nude volleyball. Although I wore a swimming suit, about halfway through the evening, I felt weird being the only one wearing clothes and finally went au naturel.

True! It was a very weird experience for me. I went there with my former boyfriend and his mother (which was weird enough, that he would be running around naked in front of his mother). When we first walked in the door, the people taking the money are clothed but then you walk into the next room (after entering the glass door completely covered with brown paper) and there are all these naked people walking around. Minnesota Naturists are clothing optional events so there was absolutely no pressure to take my clothes off. After awhile, I started becoming a little uncomfortable being one of two people still wearing clothes (former boyfriend's mother was also clothed) so I pulled my bathing suit down to my waist but I wasn't planning on going completely naked. Until I went to the bathroom and tried to get the wet bathing suit back on. That didn't work so well. I ended up walking back to the room naked.

It is very odd to realize that, if you are surrounded by naked people, you will feel completely out of place wearing clothing. And the really nice thing about this is that there wasn't any judgement or sideways glances or whispers about my weight. Every one there is treated like a person, not a potential sex partner. The Naturists were a great bunch of people and I enjoyed the evening. I think the funniest part was watching nude volleyball. Four men bouncing (literally) around a court. Hi-larious!

Johnny, for the record, I only went to the one event which was indoors. They did do a lot of outdoor functions, including canoeing (referred to as "canudeing") but it apparently difficult to find places that will allow people to be naked outdoors. And it would be insane during the winter.

3. I once met LaVyrle Spencer at Waldenbooks. When introduced to her, my mouth dropped open and I could not think of a single word to say to her, including how much I loved her writing. She laughed and hugged me. That was the best day I had working at the stupid Mall (which is pretty sad when you consider I worked there for ten years).

True! She was very nice. I usually found myself at Waldenbooks either on my lunch break or between my two jobs. I was trying to convince the manager to hire me but jobs there were filled up quickly and they didn't have a high turnover at all. Plus, and I'm sure you'll never believe this, but I love to read and can spend hours in a book store, just looking and touching books. I wrote a poem about what it was like for me once but I have no idea what I ever did with it.

Anyway, LaVyrle Spencer was talking to the manager and I overheard their conversation. It was about her newest book and she was describing the plot. From what I overheard, I thought they were talking about the movie "All I Want For Christmas" in which these children try to get their parents back together. LaVyrle (as I always think of her, don't know why) said "No, it's the plot of my newest book." The manager introduced me and that's where my mouth dropped open. I am sure I stood there like an idiot for a few minutes. So embarrassing.

I cringe to think what it would be like if I ever met Nora Roberts. I think that I wouldn't embarrass myself terribly with Mil Millington because I have exchanged emails with him and he also sent me a scene that had been cut from "A Certain Chemistry" (which I lost, damn it. The email, not the book). I am sure that if I ever met him, we would get along fine. And then I would embarrass myself when I started talking in an English accent which I seem to pick up whenever I read his books.

4. Many years ago, when I was younger and much more firm, I was dared to stand on a bridge over Highway 94 and flash my chest. I accepted the dare. I did not stop traffic, although there was one guy that pulled over and tried to get my phone number. I declined.

False. I was trying to come up with a good lie and Jodi suggested this. Sad, isn't it, that I couldn't think of anything myself?

5. I have had prophetic dreams come true, including one the day my uncle's body was found in which I knew he had died. I also dreamt that a guy in one of my classes would be in a car accident on the day of our choir concert. He would end up in the hospital in a coma and his cousin Robin would visit him there. The next day I asked him if he had a cousin named Robin and he didn't believe so. He wanted to know why I asked and I told him about the dream, asking him to not drive the day of the choir trip. Two weeks later, he tells me that his brakes went out on his car, the day before the concert. A week after that, he tells me that apparently he did have a cousin named Robin...two cousins named Robin, one born the night I had the dream.

True! There's nothing more interesting than having your entire class look at you as though you are a total freak when you tell someone they shouldn't drive their car. I don't remember my dreams that much anymore but there were a lot of times I found myself feeling complete deja vu and then remember that I dreamed about the situation.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of To Tell the Truth. I am looking forward to seeing if anyone else will do this.


Hey! There's this thing that Beth and Teri and Johnny did. It's this box thing and you say stuff to describe me and you should probably click it and tell me stuff about myself because that would be cool. This is the link to my unique Johari thingamabob.

If you're the type of person who needs actual descriptions of what you're going to go and click on, please read what Beth had to say. Or actually what someone wrote and Beth copied.

"The Johari Window was invented by Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingram in the 1950s as a model for mapping personality awareness. By describing yourself from a fixed list of adjectives, then asking your friends and colleagues to describe you from the same list, a grid of overlap and the difference can be built up."

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

To tell the truth, I'm probably lying

Okay, Susan posted this meme that she found at Daring Young Mom's site. I have decided that I'm going to try it.

DYM posted five items about herself and asked you to discover which one was true. Susan posted five items about her husband and asked you to discover which one was a lie. They are both creative writers and their items are funny to read, I'd suggest you check them out if you have time.

Somehow I am going to come up with five items and have you guess what is a lie. This is going to be difficult because I tell you guys pretty much everything. And Beth, I'm thinking you probably know all of this so to play fair, you may not want to guess.

Okay, without further ado, here I go:

When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answers were: Writer, Gangster's Moll and Super Friend.

At the urging of a former boyfriend, I joined the Minnesota Naturists and participated in a swim event. The first time I met his sister was when she jumped out of the swimming pool, completely naked. I also watched nude volleyball. Although I wore a swimming suit, about halfway through the evening, I felt weird being the only one wearing clothes and finally went au naturel.

I once met LaVyrle Spencer at Waldenbooks. When introduced to her, my mouth dropped open and I could not think of a single word to say to her, including how much I loved her writing. She laughed and hugged me. That was the best day I had working at the stupid Mall (which is pretty sad when you consider I worked there for ten years).

Many years ago, when I was younger and much more firm, I was dared to stand on a bridge over Highway 94 and flash my chest. I accepted the dare. I did not stop traffic, although there was one guy that pulled over and tried to get my phone number. I declined.

I have had prophetic dreams come true, including one the day my uncle's body was found in which I knew he had died. I also dreamt that a guy in one of my classes would be in a car accident on the day of our choir concert. He would end up in the hospital in a coma and his cousin Robin would visit him there. The next day I asked him if he had a cousin named Robin and he didn't believe so. He wanted to know why I asked and I told him about the dream, asking him to not drive the day of the choir trip. Two weeks later, he tells me that his brakes went out on his car, the day before the concert. A week after that, he tells me that apparently he did have a cousin named Robin...two cousins named Robin, one born the night I had the dream.

Okay, which one of these is the lie? I'm not tagging anyone but I think it would be fun.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

People say I'm obsessed

Is it sad that I decided to not apply for a job because I wouldn't be able to blog in between calls?

I mean, granted, it's only a lateral move (no increase in pay) and I'd have to remain in the position for an entire year which would mean I would not be able to apply for anything exciting if it came along but, when it comes down to it, the main reason is because I wouldn't be able to blog anymore. Except for lunch and breaks. And let's face it, that's just not enough time to catch up on my blog reading or posting.

Is there a 12 step program for blog addiction?

Monday, February 13, 2006

Greetings, Earthling...I mean Alien

So if you're stumbling onto my blog from Blog in Space, you might have some questions about me (I apologize to the seven or eight of you that already read my blog because you know most of this stuff).

Here are the basics.

  1. My name is Dana Marie Vittum. If you know someone with that last name, they are related to me. Somehow.
  2. I'm 38. I'm going to be 39 in (gasp) 26 days. I am less than thrilled about this.
  3. I am very, very, very single. However, I have the distinct pleasure of being absolutely, totally, crazy in like with a comic book geek who may or may not have OCD. His name is James but he was previously referred to as Gil which stood for Guy I like and was also an homage to Gil Grissom from CSI:. I love a creative fake name.
  4. Said comic book geek is not absolutely, totally, crazy in like with me. He is, however, aware of how I feel about him because I got incredibly drunk and decided to tell him this.
  5. I also compared him to Batman. Adam West Batman. Because I am a complete and total dork and think that Adam West is hot. And Batman is the coolest super hero ever.
  6. My profile picture was taken when I was completely sober. I am easy to amuse (It was, however, taken the night after the incredibly drunken blabbing my innermost thoughts to the entire bar (and oh, do they love to ask me when I'm going to drink again) so it is quite possible that I was still drunk. Probably not, since there are pictures of me wearing seven or eight birthday hats all over my face and another picture of me holding a squeeze ball to my nose and saying "Look! I'm a clown!" and there was no alcohol involved on either of these occasions).
  7. You might be able to tell from the picture and the title of my blog that I like ducks.
  8. You may be confused by my banner and wonder why there is a frog being hatched from a duck egg when I have said that I like ducks. For the record, Green Duckies are frogs. The reason why they are called Green Duckies is here.
  9. I am the self-proclaimed Queen of the Universe.
  10. My roommate, Keem, will tell you that she is the real Queen of the Universe but she is lying. She only says it to irritate me.
  11. I am a tree hugger.
  12. When I say that I am a tree hugger, I mean that I literally hug trees. Which irritates Keem but fills me with a sense of well being.
  13. Keem and I have an odd relationship in which we seem to exist only to irritate each other. It's kind of fun.
  14. No, we are not a lesbian couple (someone always asks). Not that there's anything wrong with that.
  15. Considering I rarely ever watched Seinfeld, I know way too many quotes from that damn show. I blame Puddy. He's hot. I watched it for him.
  16. I have a tendency to be somewhat random and can scare people if they try to follow my train of thought.
  17. If I was a Star Trek character, it would be James T Kirk. My two best friends would be (decided after hours of discussion (okay, maybe 5 minutes) Spock (Beth) and Bones (Keem). However, my favorite Star Trek show is Star Trek: TNG.
  18. I happen to enjoy William Shatner's singing. Shut up.
  19. I love, love, love, love to read. I cannot get enough of reading. I was forbidden to read at the table as a child and it warped me, I think. I was probably the only child in the world who ever got yelled at for reading cereal boxes. And seriously, how often can you read monosodium glusomate without going a little insane?
  20. I believe in aliens. Obviously.
  21. I believe in vampires but not really. I don't know how to explain that. For example, I will use the phrase "But what if there are vampires?" any time I am asked to do something I don't want to do. Such as take the bus. Because you never know when those bus vampires are going to be roaming around in the middle of the day. Also, I am a big Buffy and Angel fan and enjoy some books written about vampires (MaryJanice Davidson is hilarious. You should read her now). However, do I think that guy who is running for govenor is actually a vampire? No. I think he is a great big freak and anyone who said anything bad about Jesse Ventura should take it back right now.
  22. I believe that's about all the random facts about me that you can take for now. Plus, I'm getting kicked off the internet. More to come later.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

I sense your jealousy

So. I opened my gmail account today to find a lovely email from the folks at Blog In Space. You may or may not be aware of the fact that the whole premise behind this website is to send blogs into space with the express purpose of reaching aliens. For those who are wondering, I found out about this website when Beth found them and sent me the link. Knowing me as well as she does, she knew this was something right up my alley. Especially since my belief is that it is very conceited of us as a world to think that we are the only intelligent life in the universe. They are out there somewhere.

On February 14, 2006, I will be the blog with the coveted title of most likely to be contacted. It makes up for never placing in one of those stupid high school contests as most likely to succeed (the fact that I think the possibility of being contacted by aliens is much cooler kind of explains why I wasn't voted most likely to succeed, doesn't it? I'm just a giant dork).

When you take into consideration that this is happening on Valentine's Day, it is just the icing on the cake (or, to be more Valentiney, the caramely goodness in the filled chocolate). I'm sure that my future boyfriend, Zoltar, and I will be very happy together.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Bloggers that I adore

There is something about the internet for bringing people together. And I love it for that. Beth and I were talking last night (this morning?) about choices and whether or not hindsight is 20/20 and if you could go back in time and change that one moment in your life, what would it be? After a lot of thought, I think it just might be when I was in 4th grade and needed to get glasses and decided to buy a pair shaped like stop signs.

Beth laughed when I told her that:

B: That's when your parents are supposed to step in and just say no.
DM: My mom tried. The optician tried.
B: Do you mean the optometrist?*
DM: Yeah. I guess. But I really wanted them and insisted.
B: Your mom should have put her foot down.

*We thought I might have made optician up but actually an optician is someone who makes or sells glasses, an optometrist is someone who tests someone for glasses. I think he might have been both.

There were other decisions that I regret, of course, but after following the trail those decisions resulted in, the truth is, in the long run, yes, that moment was horrible, yes, it led me down a path that I regret but if not for that decision, certain things I rely on now for sanity would never have happened.

For instance, take my "former" friend, Jake. I went through many years of emotional and verbal abuse because I let him manipulate me and convince me that I was worthless. Now that I am free of him, I can look back and realize just what a big ass he really was. But I do not hate him. Not completely. And there is one reason for that. If he had not started a job at NABABNA and convinced me to leave my job at the Dark Side bank, I would never have met Beth or Keem. I also would never have had the experience that finally convinced me that Jake was a complete and total ass and not worthy of my friendship at all (I will post about this someday but this post is about happiness and I don't want to have too much of that jerk in this post).

If I had not started working at NABABNA, I never would have started blogging (this post explains how I started).

Let's take a moment to think about that.

If I had never started blogging:

  1. Beth would never have started her blog. She never would have posted about Stupid People. She would never had received an insulting comment by Mr. Silver. She never would have written the follow up post. If not for these posts, we never would have met Johnny. Beth and I never would have gone to Portugal (that link is to Beth's category for Portugal including all of the posts we both wrote about our experience).
  2. I never would have met Mark. Beth and I never would have gone to Tomah. We would never have had some great experiences on the way there and back. Here are the posts we wrote about the experience - Part 1, part 2 and Beth's post about the experience. And pictures!
  3. Beth never would have discovered Carol's blog. What an amazing woman and writer.
  4. Firebear would never have found my blog looking for Tammy Pescatelli's breasts. I would never have learned about National Talk Like A Pirate Day. And a personal message to Larry, "Dude, we miss you. How are things?"
  5. If we had never gone to Portugal, Diana would have never left a comment on my blog.
  6. If we had never "met" Diana, we never would have "met" Teri.
  7. I never would have "met" Nancy.
  8. Or Joe. If not for "meeting" Joe, I never would have received one of the most interesting Christmas presents ever - Killer Klowns from Outer Space.
The internet is such a wonderful place. I would like to take this time to tell you about some of the bloggers that I consider to be friends, even though I've never been in the same room with some of them.

Johnny - She is beautiful, strong, smart and I love her.

On New Year's Eve 2004, Beth, Keem, Matt and I were at Perkins. I was videotaped telling Johnny that I miss her and you can hear Keem in the background saying "How can you miss someone you've never met?" My response? "I miss her spirit." Which is weird but true.

Meeting her in person last year was one of the greatest moments of my life. She was everything I thought she would be and more. Someday I will go back to Portugal. And just maybe she'll come here. She needs to go to the State Fair.

Mark - He amazes me. He is one of the least selfish people I have ever met. He's intelligent and funny and such a great father - I've not only read his posts about his children, I've been there when he talks about them. The light that shines in his eyes when he discusses them is heart warming. They are lucky to have him as a father. I'm lucky to know him.

These are people I have not yet met (be in the same room with them) but yet, I consider them all to be friends. It doesn't strike me as odd to write that:

Diana - Anyone who can make a post about gardening amusing is quite possibly the most brilliant person ever. I love the way she gives thistles personalities. She is brilliant. And she loves Buffy and Firefly. I have decided that I am going to convince her somehow to move to Saint Paul so I can move in with her because she may quite possibly be the best mother ever.

Teri - Diana's evil twin. They have much in common - the most important thing (well, as far as I'm concerned) being that they make me laugh. Teri is going back to school and raising three children and still takes time to alert the world about environmental threats, new scientific discoveries and new blogs that she has found.

DeAnn - The TV Goddess. Can't remember how I discovered her blog but she's so much fun. She took a hiatus for awhile this last year and I am so glad she is back. I missed her. She knows just about all there is to know about TV and is full of breaking news and recommendations. Plus, her dog is named after Johnny Cash. How can you not adore her?

Carol - Beth discovered her blog and I'm so glad she did. She is an extremely talented author and her posts about her memories of New York are amazing. I am waiting eagerly for her to publish her memoirs.

Nancy - Another gardener. That's just weird. I am extremely plant challenged but love seeing the pictures she publishes of her garden, even though she likes to tease me with the temperature differences between Texas and Minnesota. She is the most positive woman I know, 2005 was not a particularly great year for her but she keeps smiling and goes on. She is a wonderful example for me.

Larry - Still miss you. Dang it. You missed the pictures of Beth's and my cleavage, you dork. And what happened to the trip to MOA last year? HMM?

Joe - Smart, funny, not afraid to say what he really thinks (especially about politics), talented - if I ever buy a house, he and his wife are coming here to remodel it, dang it (I can hear him laughing as he reads this). Keeps torturing me with pictures of Vegas and making me want to go back there desperately (it doesn't help that I'm also still working on my Vegas scrapbook from my trip in March 2004).

The next post to come is going to be about the people that have shaped my life. That will be fun and exciting. Trust me on this. Beth will be on this list so no talking smack about her not being on this one.

Dudes. Love ya all. In a purely platonic manner.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Blogs that I love - updated

Beth recently posted a list of the most fascinating people she knows/knew and I enjoyed reading it. I bet you would as well (if you haven't already) so here it is. I would like to point out that I am Number One on the list, which is as it should be (not that I'm conceited or anything. Well, I am but that's not the point).

This might be considered cheating but I am adding to the list the blogs I cannot do without. I've often thought about doing a post on the different blogs I read. I am a great fan of diversity.

So I guess we'll do two posts and this one will be the blogs I enjoy reading, the ones that I do a little happy dance when I see that they have a new post. And, no, this is not in any particular order.

People I have not actually "met (Met meaning, but not limited to, actually having a conversation with through the use of email/comments. While I've received comments and email from flea, I don't consider her a close friend that I just haven't actually been in the same room with (which is the other category)." And this category has started to taking off all on it's own so I think it will be it's very own post.

Finslippy - Alice. She lives in New York, has a small child named Henry and is occasionally accosted by crazy people on the street. She is an amazing writer - funny, articulate, etc.

Flea - (Her real name is Leigh Ann but flea is her nickname and I like calling her that) I have mentioned my adoration for her before. If you have not listened to me and checked her site out, you are missing a lot. She is the reason why I have a lot more patience for small children when out in public (for example, a screaming, crying child may not be a spoiled brat but actually suffering from sensory overload). She has taught me a lot and I have a great deal of respect for her. And, if I am ever in Chicago, I so want to meet her and view the garage of dildos.

Dooce - (Real name is Heather but I don't think of her that way for some reason) Hilarious. Makes me giggle on a regular basis. Has made me cry a few times, especially when she was writing about her experience with post-partum depression.

Paper Napkin - Sheryl. I adore Sheryl. She provided me with my glorious banner and has the coolest side bar I have ever seen and is extremely talented in multiple ways.

Nothing But Bonfires - Holly. Found her through Sheryl. I adore her writing. She is very funny and is one of four siblings, each that are gorgeous and make your eyes squint a little when viewing a picture of all four of them because their beauty is blinding. And yet I do not hate her. She has travelled extensively and I would say that she does the best recaps of The Bachelor that I have ever read but since she doesn't watch The Bachelor, of course this could not be true.

Friday's Playdate - Susan. Found her through Holly. She directed me to a comment that Holly had left on her blog and then I read it and was amused and came back and read some more and was amused again. She also has children. And now that we have communicated through email, obviously we're going to be best friends forever (yes, Susan, I am kidding. I am not a stalker).


Jo(e)' Page - Jo(e). I lurk here. She is a teacher and her writing is fabulous. Her posts make me calm. It's like meditation in someways.

And since Joe was so worried that I didn't have any men on my list (which I wasn't quite finished with but decided to post anyway):

Mannerism - Robert~Marlene. This was the first blog I ever left a comment on. Blogger allows you to search profiles and I was looking to see just who else out there liked the movie "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes." I stumbled onto his blog and was fascinated from day one. Robert~Marlene is a drag queen and quite a glamorous one, which you can see from his pictures. He also has one of the greatest galleries of glorious male images I have ever seen. The other reasons I enjoy reading his blog is because he is quite intelligent, our political views are very similar and he makes me laugh and think. Unfortunately, Bloglines won't let me, um, what do you call it? - blogline him and I forget to check his blog as much as I want. Dang it.

Geese Aplenty - Greg. I stumbled upon his blog somewhere. He makes me laugh and think as well but it a completely different way. He's uh, I guess the word is snarky? What does that even mean?

Bad New Hughes - Patrick. His family scares me. In a really laugh your ass off funny way. Seriously. Read this post and be afraid. Afraid that you might choke to death on your laughter.

Soon to follow - my list of bloggers that I consider to be close friends in that odd way that the internet brings you together.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

White Rabbit lyrics

White Rabbit - Jefferson Airplane

One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all
Go ask Alice
When she's ten feet tall

And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you're going to fall
Tell'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call
Call Alice
When she was just small

When men on the chessboard
get up and tell you where to go
And you've just had some kind of mushroom
And your mind is moving slow
Go ask Alice
I think she'll know

When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen's off with her head
Remember what the doormouse said:
"Feed your Head
Feed your Head!"

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Cheeseburger in Paradise lyrics

According to Bryan, this is the world's most homoerotic song. After reading the lyrics, you might just agree.

Cheeseburger in Paradise - Jimmy Buffet

Tried to amend my carnivorous habits
Made it nearly seventy days
Losin' weight without speed, eatin' sunflower seeds
Drinkin' lots of carrot juice and soakin' up rays
But at night I'd have these wonderful dreams
Some kind of sensuous treat
Not zucchini, fettucini or bulgar wheat
But a big warm bun and a huge hunk of meat

Cheeseburger in paradise
Heaven on earth with an onion slice
Not too particular, not too precise
I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise

Heard about the old time sailor men
They eat the same thing again and again
Warm beer and bread they said could raise the dead
Well it reminds me of the menu at a Holiday Inn
But times have changed for sailors these days
When I'm in port I get what I need
Not just Havanas or bananas or daiquiris
But that American creation on which I feed

Cheeseburger in paradise
Medium rare with mustard be nice
Heaven on earth with an onion slice
I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise

I like mine with lettuce and tomato
Heinz 57 and French fried potatoes
Big kosher pickle and a cold draft beer
Well good God almighty which way do I steer for my

Cheeseburger in paradise
Makin' the best of every virtue and vice
Worth every damn bit of sacrifice to get a
Cheeseburger in paradise

I need a cheeseburger in paradise
I'm just a cheeseburger in paradise

Things I have learned while doing laundry and Beer is Bad

This is one of the posts that I mentioned in Reading 101 takes a scary turn. Some of you have already read it. I am working on others. I promise.

  1. Wear shoes! There are hidden dangers in the laundry room. Such as the concrete slabs that the washing machines are on. Kicking concrete, even when on accident, does not do good things for your toes.
  2. Pre-treating clothing would probably work better if I pre-treat before I wash the clothes and not after they have come out of the washer and dryer. Although hey, they're ready for the next time. Right?
  3. I have way too many clothes.
  4. I should probably not wait a month to do laundry (except for the emergency load done when at Beth's two weeks ago).
  5. In retrospect, my previous theory of why do laundry when I can just buy new clothes may have contributed to number 3 and 4.
  6. Keem gets very angry when you "borrow" her socks (quote marks used because she was not actually around for the borrowing and I ran out of socks (because of number 4)).
  7. I lied about number 6. Keem does not actually know that I borrowed her socks. And we're not telling her.
  8. Posting this on the internet was probably not wise. Well, it's not like she reads my blog anyway.
  9. How did I end up washing cat food? Is Eddy hoarding food in my clothes? Perhaps I should stop throwing them on the floor and use the laundry basket.
  10. Keem probably has a good idea with this whole seperating the clothes into different colors. I'm pretty sure that a lot of these socks used to be white at one time.

Thursday night was karaoke. Remember when I said I was never drinking again? Remember? Yeah, once again, I lied. I am weak. What can I say? Other than that I am weak and I already said that.

Remember my 2nd husband from the night of drunkeness? His name is Mark and he and Amy struck up a conversation on that night and have gone out twice. The first time was on Saturday when he met her at Perkins when she was babysitting her pastor's children and sat there and let the teenage girls grill him and was fine with it. And last night, he was there with her and they are so cute together that I am very happy that I got drunk and told him that he was going to be my 2nd husband so that she started talking to him. And when he came in, he saw me and said "Hello, my wife." It was very nice. I think he will fit in well with our group.

I love having male friends but sometimes I forget that they think nothing of embarrassing you. For example, Beth and I walked into the Chalet last night and Steve (Angie's boyfriend Steve) was there which was very exciting and I was all "Yay! It is Steve!" and he said "Hey, Dana. I hear you swallow."

And men? They also like to talk about disgusting things. Such as eating minnows and leeches and then Angie started gagging and I was covering my ears and saying "Lalalalala" (which, for the record, only makes them talk louder) and, just as I decided that yes, I was going to do my makeup, Steve mentioned that the only thing that ever made him gag was the scene in Van Wilder where Van decides to get back at the really mean guy by serving his dorm eclairs. Unfortunately, these eclairs are filled with not the cream that you would normally want in an eclair and involve his extremely overloaded dog (that is all I am saying. If you have not seen the movie, believe me, you will thank me for not giving more detail). That puts both Angie and I over the edge and we head off to the bathroom.

As I am walking off, Craig, bless his little jerkish heart, yells out "Dana, that shouldn't bother you." I spin around and say "I knew it! I knew one of you would say that." When I get back, I have the following conversation with Craig.

DM: Ah, yes, it would bother me. It's dog semen!
C: Laughs at me and makes a swallowing motion.
DM: Stop that!
B: Is kitty semen okay then?
DM: Eww! Lalalalala!

Craig is so much fun and is fun to mock flirt with. But he doesn't let anything go. I mentioned something about how I could lick him (he smells good) and he said "You already did." Later that evening, as I got a tad drunker (which I am blaming Beth for - see why here), he was moving his neck back and forth and I told him to stop because it was making the blood pump in his throat and I wanted to bite him. I also, when he and Beth were chair dancing, told him he should consider stripping. This was great because it rendered him speechless. Kind of got him back for all of the swallowing motions.

Some crazy short blonde who was wearing a corset decided to introduce herself to Angie and others at our table. She was bopping around, putting her arms around some of us and singing. Okay, I don't so much have a problem with this except for the fact that I really did not want to get that close to a strange woman's breasts. Plus, when you are dancing over my head while holding a beer, that does tend to make me a bit nervous.

Later that night, after realizing just why it is advised that you never mix beer and liquor, I was headed off to the bathroom (no, I did not throw up. I just had an upset stomach for a period of time. Beer is bad). While in there, I heard voices coming from the stall next to me (I got to use the newly remodeled stall with the stylish shower curtain). I didn't think much of it, just thinking someone was drunk and was getting the help of a friend. Until I was washing my hands and looked in the mirror and saw it was crazy short blonde and a tall man.

When I walked back out, I saw Ke and Benny.

DM: You know that short blonde drunk woman with the top?

Ke and Benny indicate that yes, they do know who I mean.
DM: She was in the bathroom with a man.
B: Really?
DM: Yeah. And that is just way much more fun than I am having.
K: Maybe you need to drink more.
DM: NO! Beer is bad.

Apparently there was a fight that I completely missed (only figured it out from reading Beth's blog today).

I got to be Matt's confidante. Boy, that was fun. First he tells me this story about how an employee of Beth's (and also his co-worker) approached him and asked him if he liked Beth instead of the other way around. Uh, yeah, dude. Sure she did. Like it isn't completely obvious that you don't like Beth and are pumping your co-worker for information.

Matt asked me if I thought he should ask Beth out. I was nice. I am beginning to think that I was too nice because I don't think he got the hint. I sort of implied that Beth might be seeing someone (planning on saying that it was Craig, if needed). I don't think he paid much attention to me, choosing to impress me yet again with why he and Beth would never work out as a couple.

Some of the things Matt told me:

I like Beth.
If I thought I had a miniscule chance with her, I'd ask her out.
Should I ask her out (I told him I wouldn't advise it)?
My penis is this big (holds out his two fingers together. Okay. I don't really care how big your penis is, thanks, but that's really not impressive).
No, I'm just kidding. That's the size of my foreskin (Yeah, I can see you and Beth having really in depth talks. You're quite the conversationalist).
I really want to (long pause) Beth. You can fill in the blank.

Dude. Beth is my best friend. Do you really think that I'm going to put in a good word for you now? After that last comment? Uh, that would be a no.

Anyway, that was pretty much it. There was no James. Dang it.

I didn't embarrass myself too much. At least I don't think so. But I have learned that beer is bad. Even though Rolling Rock is less repulsive than most beers.