Wednesday, August 30, 2006

State Fair Sunday - finally

For those of you that read Monday's post, yeah, I know. I'm not sure what the heck was going on there. I was very tired and had an entire day of bumbling moments, including when I thought it was 2007. I ended up crashing around 6:30 Monday night. But I did leave comments to your comments.

Anyway, let's get back to the whole point of my post which is State Fair Sunday. Thursday marked the opening of the Minnesota State Fair. I could quote you all sorts of things about the State Fair but I'm not going to bother. Mainly, the only thing that you need to know is that our State Fair is probably like every other State Fair throughout the United States - there will be animals and people and interesting variations of food that you would not normally see served on a stick (such as tater tot hot dish on a stick. May I just say WTF?). Of course, here in Minnesota we have Princess Kay of the Milky Way and her head carved out of butter. I doubt Hawaii has butter heads. Poi heads, possibly.

State Fair Sunday is given this name at karaoke to mark any Sunday during the State Fair. It is usually dead at the Chalet because everyone is at the State Fair eating weird foods (also referred to as crap on a stick) and looking at cows. But Beth and I are hardened karaoke junkies and, quite frankly, I don't really want to look at cows all that much. I saw a whole bunch of them on my way to Wisconsin. I waved. We had a moment. It was great.

Anyway, without further meanderings from my bizarre mind, let's get to the point of this post. Conversations from State Fair Sunday. For the record, Beth is not on cold medicine. I also am not on cold medicine but I did take a mint from Angie that she referred to as Ecstacy. This is, by the way, foreshadowing.

The characters:

Elvis - some guy that knows Bryan that is wearing a really weird and ugly shirt.
Dan-O - some guy that knows Elvis that is not wearing a really weird and ugly shirt.
Bryan - The karaoke host.
Beth - Beth. You know her already.
Dana - Also known as DM. You better know her, she is writing this post.
Random Guy - Also known as RG. We do not know him. He is weird.
Stubes - Minor character
Craig - Suspenders Craig who is actually turning out to be a welcome member at our table. He's funny, once you get past the weird fashion sense and the words that make absolutely no sense unless you live in the United Kingdom. And who the hell uses the word Strewth? Plus, that's Australian slang, not British! Oh, wait, I was saying we got past the slang.
Angie, Amy, Becky, etc - Who abandoned us! Very early into the evening.

The setting - The Chalet

The curtain opens as Bryan, the karaoke host, is calling a karaoke singer to the stage (okay, I promise I'm not going to write this as a play).

Bryan: Elvis!
Beth (B): He's alive!
Dana (DM): Elvis isn't dead. He just went home (Quoting K in Men in Black).

Elvis is onstage. He does not look like either Elvis Presley or Elvis Costello. He does look like a guy who thinks way too much of himself who is wearing an ugly shirt and clutching a large cigar.

Elvis (E): There's no one here.
DM: Hey! Boo.

Angie looks at me in puzzlement. I don't normally boo people.

B: I feel discounted.
DM (to Angie): He said there was no one here.
Angie: Boo. You just discounted this entire table.

After about a half an hour, Angie, Amy, Becky and Shannon all leave. We are very sad.

Elvis is singing "Addicted to Love." I start singing "Addicted to Crack" because we had determined awhile ago (the same time that we realized it was really a lot of fun to substitute the word Jesus for the word Baby in songs) that you can easily switch the words around and it will still make sense.

DM: La la la la la. Am I on drugs?
B: Probably. We've just determined that you're addicted to crack.
Random Guy sitting at neighboring table (RG): Ha! I like it when it's slow because you can listen to conversations where people give each other shit.

Stubes has come in and sits next to me. Craig comes in a little bit later and I am happy to see him. It's another person to sit at our table and also add to the rotation.

Elvis wants Bryan to sing "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone." Bryan has ignored his request several times.

E: Hey, where's that song you promised?
Bryan: I'm sorry, I can't hear you over your shirt.

Craig is onstage. Bryan has entered in the number for "Cracklin' Rosie" by mistake.

C: I don't even know who sings that song.
B, D & Bryan (in unison): Neil Diamond.
C: Bleah.
Bryan: But you're singing a song by Neil Diamond.
D: I'm sorry, Craig, but you can no longer sit at our table because you made fun of Neil Diamond. C: I wasn't making fun of him. That was my impression.

I am slightly mollified but am still trying to figure out when Neil Diamond ever said bleah.

Craig and Stubes are sitting on each side of me. I have recently discovered that I am somewhat claustrophobic. Or whatever it is that means you can't handle it when people are sitting too close to you. But hello, we have three tables together. Beth is sitting on one side of the tables by herself. I am in the middle of the tables, facing her (I prefer that. It helps with the whole telepathy thing). It's not like there's not plenty of room and my God, Stubes, could you sit any closer to me? You are practically in my lap. And what is up with that cologne? It's not bad but, dude, that is way too much. Okay, maybe it's not so much that I have a problem when people are sitting too close to me as I have a problem with Stubes sitting too close to me. Beth is watching me twitching and trying to keep from freaking out (see? Telepathy). Finally I break.

DM: Okay. Someone has got to move!

Stubes moves over to the end of the tables on my right. I can breathe again. Craig later moves over to the end of the tables on my left.

B (to Craig): What are you chewing on?
C: A piece of ginseng.
D: Why?
C: Because you won't let me chew on your fingers.
D: You never asked.

Craig lunges across the table and grabs my hand and brings it towards his mouth.

B: You still didn't ask.
C (making weird, vampire face that makes me laugh): May I chew on your fingers?

Someone is singing something. It is probably Random Guy who varied between handling some songs very well to absolutely sucking at other songs. This time he was absolutely sucking again.

C: Naa (or Baa, not sure).
B: Was that a goat?
C: It was a sheep. It's related to Aflac (making the weird Aflac duck sound).

Random Guy keeps trying to insinuate himself into our conversations.

RG: Do either of you know the female part to Picture?
B: No.

My mouth drops open to say something, anything, that will make him never want to ask that question again.

RG: We need more women here.
B: That is a horrible song.
RG: What? I love that song.

My mouth is still open in dismay. Beth and I exchange a look which indicates that Random Guy has completely lost any cool points that he might have had (which was not a very high number, believe me).

Either Random Guy or Stubes has mentioned something about baseball. Something to do with the Twins not getting enough runs or something like that. I turn and look at the big screen TV (and I'm still not sure why because I'm not a huge baseball fan).

E: Why are you looking at me?
DM: I'm looking at the TV.

He has irritated me. I must say something sarcastic and cutting.

DM (in a sarcastic and cutting tone): It's because you're just so beautiful.
E (arms go up in the air in a triumphant manner): Yes!
B: It's the shirt.
E: Shut up about the shirt!

Apparently I missed the part where he flashed his hairy chest at Beth and Stubes mentioned something about how he could weave a carpet from it. I did catch the following.

Stubes: You could set it on fire and that might draw less attention.

Dan-O is going to sing. Dan-O has slightly intrigued me because he is not overly irritating, unlike Elvis. We try not to judge people because they have bad friends.

D: What are you going to sing?

I am curious because, while he didn't sing his first song very well, he got much better.

B: Chicken!

"Strange Days" by The Doors appears on the screen. I am confused.

D: Didn't you already sing this?
Dan-O: No. Pay attention.
RG: It's too much money.

Dan-O had sang "Nobody Told Me" by the Beatles which has the words "strange days indeed."

E: Do the batusi.

A Batman reference. An Adam West Batman reference!

D: Hee! He has just redeemed himself.
B: Maybe in your eyes.

Beth is singing "Looking Out My Back Door."

Stubes: You've got a great back door, Beth.

Beth is irritated by this. Who can blame her? Stubes is nice enough but sometimes his remarks go a bit far.

Beth finishes singing.

C: I'm not going to be the Aflac goat this time.

Beth is looking through the book again.

B: I want Bryan to sing "Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car" by Billy Ocean*.
DM: Why?
B: Because it's funny.
DM: Why?
B: Because he drives a mini-van.

A few minutes later.

B: You should sing "Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car."
DM: Why?
B: Because you don't drive. That would be even funnier.
DM: Ha.

*Interesting side note about Billy Ocean. My mother once brought home a cassette (shut up, I'm old. At least it wasn't an 8 track) by Billy Ocean and she was all excited about it until she put it in the cassette player. Then she was confused as to why Billy Ocean's vaguely Caribbean style had changed to more of an angry punk rocker style. That is when I looked at the cassette and said "Mom. This is Billy Idol. Not Billy Ocean." I ended up with a new cassette that day.

You can see how she made this mistake.

Billy%20Ocean%20-%20European%20queen 200px-BillyIdolBillyIdol

Why, they're practically twins!


B: You should sing "Ghostbusters."
DM: Should I strip during it?
Stubes: Whistles.
DM: And then I could break the disco ball.

Laterer (yes, I know it's not a word but it was fun).

B: Bryan should sing "Ghostbusters."
RG: And he could strip to it.
B: You were here that evening?
RG: Yeah.
B: That's why we don't have a disco ball.

Elvis is called up.

B: I'm going to go to the bathroom.
C: Wait, I'm up next.

Craig had told us earlier in the evening that he was going to sing "Blaze of Glory." Beth is not a Bon Jovi fan and we joked about how she would probably go hide in the bathroom.

B: Oh, no. It's the lesser of two evils.

She leaves.

C: What?
DM: It's the lesser of two evils. Trust me, it's a compliment. She's not overly fond of him and would rather sit through "Blaze of Glory" than listen to him.

Elvis finishes singing. Craig is called up and starts singing "Blaze of Glory." My mouth falls open. He is really good at this song. One of the reasons why we hate it when people sing Bon Jovi is that they're never any good at it. I think Craig might actually be better than Jon Bon Jovi at this song.

Random Guy is singing something. He starts having a coughing fit.

RG: Cough, cough, cough.
C: There's no dying in karaoke!

Later. This happened rather frequently.

DM: La la la la la, lalalala, la.
B: I'm glad I'm back to being the normal one.

James and Matt arrive. Stubes has left. James and Beth are amusing themselves by looking through the book and finding weird song names.

James wants Bryan to sing "It Wasn't God Who Made Honkeytonk Angels." I cannot help but post the lyrics to this song because it is imperative that you read them to see how hilarious it was that Bryan was the one singing this song.

It Wasn't God Who Made Honkeytonk Angels - Kitty Wells

As I sit here tonight the jukebox playin'
The tune about the wild side of life
As I listen to the words you are sayin'
It brings memories when I was a trusting wife

It wasn't God who made Honky Tonk angels
As you said in the words of your song
Too many times married men think they're still single
That has caused many a good girl to go wrong

It's a shame that all the blame is on us women
It's not true that only you men feel the same
From the start most every heart that's ever broken
Was because there always was a man to blame

It wasn't God who made Honky Tonk angels
As you said in the words of your song
Too many times married men think they're still single
That has caused many a good girl to go wrong

Bryan: I'll sing it. Hilton! Can I wear your hat?

Hilton tends to wear a cowboy hat. We don't mock him though because he is a good singer and doesn't just sing Country. Bryan begins singing the song with a fairly decent twang.

Bryan: 'It brings memories when I was a trusting wife.'

We dissolve into laughter. Hey. No one said we were mature.

Bryan: 'Too many times married men think they're still single. That has caused many a good girl to go wrong' and grow a penis like me.

Yes. More laughter. He continues to sing the song in the twang, throwing in the occasional wry remark.

E: Did you strain your uterus?
Bryan: My, uh, fallopian area.
C: Do you need a truss?
DM: Would anyone mind if I bludgeoned him to death (I am referring to Elvis).
B: No.

I say something to Beth. I don't remember what it was.

B: Matt? Do you have your driver's liscense yet?
M: No, not yet.
B: Oh. I was going to ask you to drive Dana home because she's scaring me and I think she might kill me.
DM: Why would I kill you?
M: Dana, if you kill Beth I will be inconsolable for all of ten minutes and then I will be very angry with you for a long time and I will burn down kitty farms in your name.
DM: What? Kitty farms? You can't do that.
M: I can.
DM: Well, then I will have to kill you.
M: James won't let you. He needs me at work. Not enough staff.
DM: I'm going to ask him.

Matt goes somewhere. There is a pause in conversation between James, Liz and Craig.

DM: James?
J: Yes.
DM: May I kill Matt?
J: Sure.

Matt comes back.

DM: Ha! He said I could kill you! So there!

There is then a long drawn out conversation about the proposed murder of Matt and how I outrank him because I am the Queen of the Universe and he said he was the King of the Universe and that is just not possible because he would have to marry me to become the King of the Universe and if I married him, I would have to kill him but somehow I could bring him back to life and then I would do that daily because he would irritate me and then I could kill him multiple times. I am much more bloodthirsty than I thought.

B (Making noise of frustration): If you can bring him back to life, you can bring me back to life!
DM: But he has killed kitties.
B: You can bring the kitties back to life as well! And that solves the problem and there is no need for this conversation to continue!

She turns to James.

B: I will talk to you. You have a logical mind.
DM: Beth? Am I on drugs? Seriously?
B: I think you might be.
DM: I'm really beginning to think Angie did give me Ecstacy.
B: Yeah. I am as well.
Bryan: No. If you had taken Ecstacy, you'd be hugging everyone. Asking random strangers to hold your hand.
DM: Oh. Maybe I'm just insane.

Random Guy started hovering around our table shortly after that, quite possibly to figure out if I was on Ecstacy and going to ask him to hold my hand. He was kind of creepy.

Eventually the bar closed and we spend time talking to Liz, James and Bryan. James' birthday is on Monday and he is throwing a party on Sunday.

James (J): I know you guys usually come to karaoke on Sundays but I'm having a party.
B: You're inviting us?
J: Why would I tell you about my party and not invite you?
DM: To torture me.

So next Sunday will not be about karaoke but about James' party. As Beth put it Sunday night, we are moving in even further to the cool circle. Life is good. Except I am possibly on drugs and having bizarre dreams. Maybe I should check to see if one of Seroquel's side effects is dreaming about Alien Jesus. Apparently that is not one of the side effects. Maybe I am just insane. Oh well, at least I'm in a good mood, right?

Monday, August 28, 2006

State Fair Sunday is coming but first a message from my psyche

This has nothing to do with anything but when I pull up my email and receive an email that has a subject line of "Dana, Thou Art Worthy," I am really not expecting the email to be about downloading Christian music ringtones or, and this is really exciting, I can get bible quotes sent directly to my cell phone. Wow! I can't believe it! Actual bible quotes! To my cell phone! Yeah. You know where else I can get bible quotes? From my bible.

But maybe it does have something to with something. Last night/this morning, after Beth dropped me off, I had the freakiest dreams. These are dreams that are odder than anything I've ever had before. I was telling Keem about them this morning and I think I frightened her. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail about it (unless, of course, you comment along the lines of "Wow, Dana, this was a spectacular post but it was really missing the story of your freaky dreams. Would you be willing to post about that later? You're great. Everyone loves you. Men should throw themselves at your feet." Feel free to throw in other types of praise. I like that) but they involved a school that I was in charge of the water elevator (I don't know. It was a flume like thing that you rode down but the water didn't get you wet) and I had an argument with these stupid kids that were trying to water-ski and kayak on the water elevator which is obviously forbidden because, hello, pointy skis can hurt other people and then there was a scary, alien Jesus who was burning people and shouted (when I told him to stop) "Jesus doesn't listen! Jesus burns!" and then the dream switched and I got kicked out of a church because I wanted to read a book (that doesn't exist in real life but damn, I want to read it now), the sequel to "Good Omens" by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, and the leader of the church was really pissed off at me because I kept arguing with him about his stupid decision so he tried to have me killed and I was rescued by Fast Eddie who is actually a Norse God who is pretending to be a Superhero and I got to join his covert operations and be a Superhero as well and then I went back to the church and took over it. Oh, and Fast Eddie was played by Spike from Buffy and believe me, he is hotter as a Norse God than he ever was as a vampire. And also, this isn't even half of the stuff that happened. It was weird.

Anyway, today was kind of busy. I'm hoping it will slow down tomorrow so I can actually bring you the story of State Fair Sunday.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Rumble at the Chalet

Yes. A fight broke out between the Sharks and the Jets at the Chalet last night. Mainly they were upset because Tony and Maria fell in love and that's just wrong and, hmm, I think I'm getting confused between last night and West Side Story. Must be the whole karaoke thing making me think we starred in the musical. Anyway, I'll get to the fight later.

First, I must bring to you a very rare but amusing feature to my blog. This feature is called "Beth on drugs." The first post happened awhile ago and I'm trying to find it but, again, my archives totally suck and I can't figure where it is and I am not going to waste my entire lunch hour searching in vain. I'll find it later and post the link at that time. I found it! Woo-hoo! Oh! Actually there are two links. The first one is at her house and this 2nd one is at karaoke.

I want to state, for the record, that the drugs being mentioned are completely legal. The first time was when Beth had a wisdom tooth pulled and was prescribed codeine. This time, Beth is suffering from a cold and is on cold medicine. Beth gets rather goofy when on medicine of this type and can be quite amusing.

And, without further ado, here's some Bethisms from last night.

Quite possibly the worst rendition of "Wild Horses" ever heard is being sung by a man named Jeff.

Jeff: Wild horses could not drag me away.
Beth (B): I'm pretty sure wild horses could drag me away right now.

Later, Jeff is singing "All My Love."

B: I don't even know this song but I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to sound like this.

She is right. It was horrible.


B: Triangle! In an octogon!

She is using her straw to make a triangle shape in her octogon shaped glass. At least she still knows her shapes.


B (to Craig): We know two Craigs. There is Sexy Craig and Suspender Craig. You are Sexy Craig.
Craig: Well, I'm glad I'm on someone's sexy list.


B: I sick. Ba da da da.

I'm pretty sure this is when I dissolved into helpless laughter.

Later. Beth has just asked me to sing a song.

DM: I don't know that song.
B: You will. It's karaoke!

Later. Beth is looking through the song book.

B (singing): Never going to fall in love again. Down at the Twist and Shout.

These are both song titles. I was amused at how well they fit together.

Later. Beth holds up her phone.

B: This is what my phone looks like.
DM: Really?

I am somewhat sarcastic here in my surprise because I have seen her phone many times.

B: Yeah.

Later again.

B: Steve and I were driving to Target and he said that he hates (person they work with) and I said I made green beans.

How do you respond to that? How? Apparently Steve said "That was random." Which is a good response.

Later. Beth and I are both looking through books, looking for fun and exciting songs to sing.

DM: You should sing "I Believe I Can Fly."
B: No. Because Renee will walk into a pole.
DM: What?

Beth doesn't respond. She goes back to looking through the book and I still don't know why Renee will walk into a pole. I'm not even sure I know who Renee is.

Later. Beth has said something odd. I'm not sure I remember what it is. It might be that she's humming something.

DM: I would tell you that I think you're on crack but I know that you're not. It's just cold medicine.

Later again.

B: I kick the chair. See? It moves when I kick it.

She is kicking the chair next to me, making little growly noises at it.

DM: Do you know how hard it is for me to be the normal one?

Later. Beth is telling me about Spirit Week at her area of NABABNA. Friday was Superhero Day (which is so very cool).

B: Dustin was wearing a bandana on Friday and he was La-Z Boy. And they asked what that was and he said he was the most powerful Superhero in the world. He just doesn't do anything.

I think I would like Dustin.

A random guy comes over to our table and takes Shannon's purse. He begins walking away.

B: That's Shannon's purse.
Random Guy: I know. I'm bringing it to her.
B: I know. I'm sick. I point out the obvious.


B: That man is short.

I look over. That man is short. His head was on the same level as the popcorn machine.

Okay. So the fight. Do you want to know what the fight was about? I can just see you all sitting there, on the edge of your seat, throwing out ideas. Was it about rival gangs trying to claim the Chalet as their turf? Was it over an attempted robbery? Was it over star-crossed lovers?

The answer is no. Apparently the fight was over karaoke. Yes. I am as shocked as you.

So. These guys who sit in the back of the room were mocking karaoke singers. But they have chosen an odd way of mocking. They applaud the singer. I am not sure how applauding is mocking but hey, to each their own.

I find this out as Beth was driving me home.

B: Do you know what the fight was about?
DM: No. I have no idea.
B: Okay, so these guys are mocking the karaoke singers.
DM: How did they mock them?
B: By applauding. Didn't you hear the thunderous applause when Craig finished singing?
DM: Yeah. I just figured they liked his singing. He did pretty good with that song.
B: No. They were mocking him. I hate those guys.
DM: Oh. Well, then I guess they were mocking me as well.
B: I really hate those guys.

Do I care that they mocked me? No. Because the major mockers, two people we have never seen before but seem to have glommed onto our friendly neighborhood gang (more on them later), later get up to sing karaoke. They choose "Free Bird."

"Free Bird" is a great song. If it is being sung by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Or even the guy that played Giles on Buffy (why can't I think of his name right now? Oh! Anthony Stewart Head). I am actually quite fond of the song. I used to ask Bryan to sing it and then he got sick of that and made me sing it. And that is when I realized that, as great as this song is, unless you are actually playing the guitar, it is the longest song in the world and you will seriously regret deciding to do this. Trust me.

Anyway, these guys? Yeah, they suck. I turn to Shawn (friend of James, Liz and Matt).

DM: I figure if I look this way long enough, eventually they will go away.
S: This is a good plan.

A minute passes.

DM: It's not working. Please shoot me.
S: It's okay. Bryan is making them stop.

The annoying men left the stage and went back to their table.

We spend the rest of our time before the bar closes in conversation. Suspenders Craig regales us with the tale of his DWI's and why he quit drinking (on probation until March 15, 2009), we end up discussing puke because someone decided to throw up in the woman's bathroom and then laugh over the fact that Craig has referred to his social life as being poo-poo while walking away from the table.

B: Did he just say poo-poo?
James: Yes. It's big in Scotland.
All of us: But he's not in Scotland or But this is America.
J: Yeah. I know.

Two o'clock arrives. The bar is officially closed but we are finishing up conversations, some people are finishing their drinks, etc.

One of the annoying men walks past our table. There is a chair in his way. He grabs it and throws it aside.

DM: Well. That was thug-like.

Apparently my psychic powers were working well that night (it's now Tuesday. We were busy yesterday and I couldn't finish) because this was foreshadowing.

Thug Man walks up to the table next to us and starts yelling at the man sitting there. We'll call him Billy Joel because he was an Innocent Man.

Thug Man: You (swear word) should keep your (swear word) mouth (swear word) shut. (Swear word, swear word, more swear words).
Billy Joel: Stands there, stoic. Doesn't say a word.
TM: (Swear words).

Bryan and Benny head over to the table. Whenever there is a fight, Bryan is always headed over there to calm it down. He is amazing at this. Benny will always back Bryan up. Plus, not that we've ever been needed, but Beth and I will always have Bryan's back. Don't mess with my karaoke host. You will not like me if my karaoke is threatened.

Bryan: Says something to calm TM down.
TM: I don't care if he's your boy, he's a (swear word).
Bryan: Uh, I've never met him before tonight. This is just ridiculous to fight about.
Billy Joel's friend (otherwise known as Tall Girl): He didn't even say anything. I was the one that said it. If you're going to be mad, you should be mad at me.
TM: Oh, he's just a (swear word). Hiding behind a (swear word) girl (or something to that effect).
Tall Girl: Yeah, well, you're a (swear word).
TM's girlfriend or, more appropriately, crack whore: Oh, yeah? Well, I'm not afraid of you, you (swear word). I'll take you on, (swear word).
B: I know swear words too.

Crack Whore and Tall Girl start making threatening gestures at each other. It would be funny if it wasn't for the fact that our table has suddenly ended up in the middle of this. Actually, you know what? It was funny. You haven't lived until you've seen two women making fight gestures and showing off how tough they are so that they can fight about karaoke.

Now, remember when I mentioned our friendly neighborhood gang? Well, there's this group of guys that come up to the Chalet who we used to call the Black Hat Mafia because they always wore black hats. Apparently they didn't like us calling them this so they stopped wearing the black hats. Then, in an effort to trick us, they started wearing white t-shirts. So, of course, we had no recourse but to refer to them as the White Shirt Gang. We have joked about the fact that they all have a height restriction, no one very tall is ever seen hanging out with them (except every once in awhile). The leaders of the White Shirt Gang are two brothers, Al and Josh (I think that is the latter's name) and they are actually not that bad. Al dates Shannon, a friend of Angie and Amy's and I think she would seriously hurt him if he ever did anything bad. Josh (also known as Unibrow) also seems nice enough.

Unibrow headed over to the table, towards Thug Man and Liz stopped him.

Liz: Leave it alone. You'll just make it worse.
UB: No. I'm going to get him out of here.
Liz: Oh. Okay.

UB grabs TM by the arm and starts trying to pull him away. TM shrugs him off and continues swearing and yelling at BJ. BJ just stands there, letting him get out his anger, not bothering to do anything. He has (rightly) determined that there's really not good reason to have this escalate.

Finally UB prevails and he drags TM outside. CW also leaves. TM and CW continue to yell swear words and make threatening gestures.

Liz begins telling BJ and TG about how, while Al and Josh seem to be halfway decent, the majority of their friends are not and will sometimes follow people in the hopes of continuing the fight. She asks that they make sure Bryan walks them out when they leave. Eventually BJ and TG's friend decides that she's going to leave. TG walks her out.

Some time passes. I am worried that it is taking awhile for TG to return. When I mention it, Liz decides to go out and check. She returns shortly, TG and Bryan also return. Apparently TM and CW decided to hang around waiting. I'm not sure what happened but they did leave, moments before the police appeared. Dang it.

Shawn leaves. James leaves a little later. Beth and I hang out with Liz until it is time to leave. Sadness. After karaoke is my absolute favorite part of karaoke. If it was possible, I would like after karaoke to last forever.

As Beth is driving me home, I find out more information about why this almost fight almost happened. Apparently Tall Girl, annoyed by Thug Man and his friend's antics of mocking karaoke singers, makes a comment.

TG: You gave everyone else crap for singing karaoke and now you decide to do it? And you sing "Free Bird?" Scoff (Okay, she didn't really say scoff but she indicated that she was scoffing at them in her tone).

I am stunned when Beth tells me this.

DM: But...but they sang "Free Bird."
B: I know.
DM: And they sucked!
B: I know.
DM: That's just dumb.
B: Oh, yeah.

We hang out in front of my building for awhile, enjoying the coolness of the night and chatting. And then it is after 3 AM and time for me to go inside and attempt to sleep.

I love karaoke. I really and truly adore it with all my heart. As I was talking to one of my co-workers (Hi, Jason) about blogging (he just started recently) and the almost fight, I mentioned that these things, when they happen, are odd and a little scary but damn if they don't make good blog fodder.

Anyway, I hope you all had good weekends. I also went to three movies with Keem on Saturday. We saw Accepted, Pirates of the Carribean 2 and Talladega Nights. I was amused by all three although Pirates kind of annoyed me because I hate cliff hangers. I think I liked Accepted the best because it has the extremely cute Justin Long from Dodgeball in it and he is pretty darn funny.

Friday, August 18, 2006

An essay on torture and a meme

Thanks, Diana, for reminding me of this.

I hate the dentist. I would rather have a pap smear every single day of my life than ever go to the dentist again. Some people think that makes me weird but I scoff at them. Scoff. See? I just did it (well, mainly because I like the word scoff. It's not as fun as thwart but is still cool).

So, a few years ago (decades?), I went to the dentist and the dentist said "Dana, your plague (I mean plaque but plague works as well) is built up horribly. We're going to use something called the ultra-sonic scaler on your teeth. It will be fun AND exciting and there will be no pain at all." And I said sure, because why would a dentist ever lie to me, right?

It was horrible. Sharp pain stabbing me in the gums and the teeth and I was gripping the chair with both hands, my knuckles white from the strain, one tear slowly making its way down my cheek.

Completly Sadistic Bitch running the ultra-sonic scaler (or CSB for short): Oh, Dana, does it really hurt all THAT badly?

Uh, what gave it away, bitch? The fact that my nails, non-existant as they are, have punched through the upholstery (upholstery is a dumb word. Just so you know. I do not like it)? The fact that I have just had a fantasy of drop-kicking you through the wall for your patronizing comment? Is it the tear I am trying to hold back because I'm a brave little soldier?

DM: Yes.

She calls in the dentist. The dentist looks at my teeth closely. Hmm.

Dentist who is trying his best to keep me running out of there screaming by smiling brightly but is reminding me terribly of a clown and I hate clowns (D for short): How long has it been since you've been to a dentist, Dana?
DM: Um...
D: I'm not going to yell at you.
DM: Uh, ten years?
D: What? Are you kidding me? That's horrible! And you don't floss, do you, Dana? I can tell. I bet you only brush your teeth once a day.
DM: Please don't hurt me! I'll be good! I'll floss! I promise!
D: Oh, you say that now but I know people like you. You always promise but never follow-through. People like you should be shot.

Just for the record, the part in italics is somewhat exaggerated. He actually said something along the lines of "Well, since it's been so long and your mouth is extremely sensitive, we could give you novocaine." And I said something like "Okay!"

And he gave me novocaine but could only do one side at a time and I ended up having to pay extra for it except I was okay with that because my mouth was numb. And then I went back to work to see if I could get a ride from the guy I sometimes carpooled with and everyone at work laughed at me because a) I needed novocaine to have my teeth cleaned, b) I was a great big wimp and c) I was drooling.

Yes. Actual drool. Gee, that's the way to attract men. Drool on them. Works every time.

This dentist is also the man that said, when presented with a three sided cavity (seriously. The only thing that remained was the front of the tooth), "Oh, let's fill it. It'll be fine."

Uh, no, it won't be fine, you idiot. Two years later I will almost collapse from the pain when the filling cracks. And the dentist that I go to, a smart, non-clownlike, almost not scary dentist, will say "What was he thinking? This so should have been pulled" and other mutterings I couldn't catch.

So, yeah. I haven't been to the dentist for about five years now. The plague is back. I know I have at least two small cavities but they aren't bothering me. I can't afford to go to the dentist right now so that's really the reason why I haven't gone. Really. You believe me, right?

And now a meme that I have nicked from Babs because she nicked it from someone else. It was shiny and pretty so I picked it up.

1. Have you had sex in the past 24 hours?

HAHAHAHAHAHA. That would be no.

2. Are you gay?

Didn't you read the previous post? We've established (oh so scientifically, according to Udge) that I am not.

3. Do you have hairy legs?

It depends. Right now they are semi hairy because I was wearing shorts this weekend.

4. Do you smoke anything?

Menthol. Just at karaoke. I am weak.

5. Do you like monkeys?

I am not for or against monkeys.

6. How many fillings do you have?

Uh, I don't know. That would require thinking about the dentist and I don't like to do that.

7. Would you rather swim in the ocean or a lake?

I like the ocean, even though she hates me.

8. Have you ever licked one of those square batteries?

What? That just strikes me as weird. So that would be a no.

9. Have you ever read the Bible?


10. Did you ever go to Sunday School?

I enjoyed Adult Sunday School (I suppose you would call that Bible Study). Especially when I knew more than the patronizing Sunday School teacher.

11. Do you wear a lot of black?

Not really. Not anymore.

12. Did you ever bring a weapon to school?

Uh, I graduated in 1985. We didn't go around shooting people out of boredom or what have you. Unless you considered my purse filled with 7 books a weapon, that would be a no.

13. Have you ever hugged a tree?

What a silly question. Of course I have. There are pictures.

14. Do you know what a sphincter actually is?


15. Describe your hair?

Brownish. Grayish. Longish.

16. Are you a wildbeast?

Um, no. I'm a Dana. I'm sure I used to be a wild beast at one time. I have never been a wildebeast (wildebeest?).

17. Do you like to have fun?

Okay, this is a dumb question. No. I would rather go to the dentist. Sheesh.

18. Do you like drama?

I am assuming this is referring to movies and then the answer would be no. I don't like it when people die.

19. Have you ever taken a bong hit?

Of course. I grew up in the 80's.

20. Do you like mayonnaise?

Yes. Especially the wasabi flavored.

21. Are you afraid to die?

Eh. I'm not dreading it. I'm not planning on embracing it any time soon.

22. Do you like playing in leaves?

Of course. I like it when they are crunchy.

23. Have you ever peed your pants as an adult?

Uh, maybe. It may have been really cold, on the shore of Duluth lake in Fall and I, like an idiot, did not bring a jacket. But that's a maybe.

24. Have you ever thrown up on somebody as an adult?

No. I almost threw up on someone when we were playing spin the bottle and managed to go to the bathroom in time. Oddly enough, we never did end up kissing.

25. Are you an adult?

According to society, yes. According to my friends, no. I'm about 5.

26. Ever won a spelling bee?


27. Do you ever eat because you’re depressed?

Not anymore.

28. Are you a television addict?

Uh, yes and no. I can give up television for karaoke.

29. Do you think OJ was guilty?


30. Do you enjoy spending time with your mother?

As long as it is only every other year or longer.

31. Have you ever had sex in a hot tub?


31b. On a swing?

Uh, no.

32. Do you like Elvis?


33. Do you enjoy watching animals "do it" on the Discovery channel?

I'm not really 5 so no.

34. Have you ever had sex with a total stranger?

Well, I knew his name. Is he really a stranger?

35. Do you enjoy the calming effects of turkeys?

I'm suddenly thinking of turkeys that hypnotise people. That's weird.

36. Does your mom [sic] think someone is hot?

We don't talk about this.

37. Are you a sugar freak?

Not really. I can resist it. Bread and butter is my weakness.

38. Ever been arrested?

No. Not yet.

39. Ever commit a crime and get away with it?


40. Do you like orange juice?

No. I like orange mango juice, orange pineapple juice but I can't take orange on its own.

41. What sign are you?

Pisces. Remember the Fish Hook Saga?

42. Ever do the party boy dance in front of the elderly?

What? I have no clue.

43. Where do you wish you were right now?

Portugal. With a certain someone who might be like Batman. And Beth. And Johnny. And Diana and Teri as well.

44. Did you enjoy this?

I'm always up for a meme.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Road Trip!

AKA - The continuing adventures of Beth and Dana

Because no road trip is ever complete without the conversations Beth and I have in the car, I bring you the following:


Right outside of Minnesota, there's a city called Hudson. Outside of Hudson, there is a town called Kinnic Kinnic.

DM: How do you pronounce that?
B: Kinnic Kinnic (Ka-nick Ka-nick).
DM: Kin ick ick kin.
B: No. Kinnic Kinnic.
DM: Kickin Kin-nic?
B: No. Kinnic Kinnic.
DM: Kaneek eek?
B: Kinnic Kinnic.
DM: Ka-nick Ka-nick?
B: Yes.
DM: Kinnic Kinnic. Kinnic Kinnic! Yay (and I clap my hands like the dork that I am)!

I still cannot pronounce the name of this town as fast as Beth does and it takes me awhile to be able to say it. It is very frustrating. I mention this.

B: It's from saying Chicken. All that practice with the "k's."


We are driving along and I see a very old camper trailer that is shaped like a silver bullet.

DM: Ooh. I want one.
B: Why?
DM: It's cute! It's a Land Yacht (name of the company).
B: It is not cute.
DM: Oh c'mon! It's a big, silver death trap!
B: It's cute and a big, silver death trap?
DM: Yeah.
B: It's your personal bomb shelter. Don't leave home without it.


And we pass another camper trailer.

DM: Hee hee hee. It's a kiwi. With sunglasses.

And again I clap my hands.

DM: I'm really a dork, aren't I?
B: Sometimes (using the voice that indicates "All the time. You freak").


Continued driving. I see one of those Darwin fishes being eaten by a Truth fish.

DM: I kind of like that.

Beth gives me an incredulous look. I am a born-again Christian, Beth is Agnostic bordering on Athiest (In my defense, I am not insane and prone to preaching. In fact, nothing ticks me off more than reading/hearing about so-called Christians who decide to use their beliefs to judge others. Because, hello, that defeats the whole part about being a Christian) so we don't always agree on everything.

DM: I like it because I first saw it on it on a car of a woman who also had a rainbow cat. She's a Christian and a lesbian. That's the type of woman I want to bring home to mother.

There is a pause.

DM: Did I just say that?

Another pause.

B: Dana? Are you a lesbian?
DM: Let me check.

I start making the weighing/scale motion with my hands.

DM: Men have penises.
B: Women have cooters.
DM: Yeah. I'm not a lesbian.


We had a great time on the trip. I am sure Beth will have pictures. We took a lot. There's a shock, right?

Must go back to work now. Stupid work.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?

Beth and I have talked about New Song Sunday. That is when our group decides that we're all going to sing new songs. Which usually happens on Sunday. Which is where our catchy title comes from. Plus, Thursdays are usually too busy for us to sing more than a warm up song so that's why it's not New Song Thursday.

Anyway, Sunday was not entitled New Song Sunday. This is not to say that we didn't try new songs, we did try a few. Instead, we gave it the name Fashion Nightmare Sunday. Now a test for you. Can you guess why it was called Fashion Nightmare Sunday? Can you?

If you said "Because there were people dressed in clothing that could only be considered Fashion Nightmares" you would be partially correct. If you added "And it was Sunday" you would be completely correct and I would jump up and down in glee over how smart you are. Okay, I probably wouldn't jump up and down but I would exude glee while standing still. That's just how talented I am at expressing glee.

Editor's Note - The Editor would like to apologize for the Dana's oddness today. Apparently, the Dana's doctor, the Deb, increased her dosage of Effexor to 225 MG instead of 75 MG. Also, the Dana finally remembered to take Seraquel last night which is a mood stabilizer but also has the benefit of making the Dana very tired so she pretty much passed out and slept really well for the first time in weeks (but also made the Dana oversleep so she missed her bus this morning and had to take a later bus because she is a slacker. But her manager, the Cheryl, is very cool and the Dana also had an hour of paid time off because the Dana's quality rocks) and didn't wake up with the Dana's back in a lot of pain. So, anyway, the Editor would like to point out that the Dana, while odd and still extremely in debt (and also somewhat pissed off because the guy she was rooting for on Last Comic Standing (Chris Porter, he of the goofy charm and geeky cuteness) was voted off the show), is feeling quite well today. The Editor apologizes as well for interrupting the post to bring you this apology. Please carry on with reading the Dana's post (There's a reason for the third person, by the way. If the Beth hasn't posted the reason, she really should).

I know that there are some stories about Beth's Scottish admirer somewhere, not that I can find them. Barring not being able to find the stories (and again, I say, I have to update my archives. They are horrible and disorganized and I don't like it one bit (Teri, Beth is the one to contact for how to do the whole code thing, I have no clue. I just did what she told me. She is very template savvy), I will give you a bit of background information.

Craig (not hot Craig, our friend who looks like George Clooney according to My Heritage. You know, the website that says I look like Rosa Parks) is a man who is apparently Scottish. We say apparently because he speaks with a thick Scottish accent but has been in the country for 20 years (Which, yes, really doesn't mean anything. I've spoken to people who are 4th generation citizens and still have thick accents because of their environment, etc). BUT! His accent sort of comes and goes. He also has a habit of using phrases that are predominately English and I'm sorry, but how many people do you know in Minnesota that go around saying "Bloody Hell" and "Smeg" and "You bleeding sod?" No one. So it's probably not something that he's learned or picked up (now, I will admit to occasionally using the terms "Bloody Hell" or "Git" or "Wanker" but that's usually after reading Johnny's blog or reading one of Mil Millington's books and so it doesn't count) by hanging around a bunch of Scots. And do Scots have the same slang as the Brits? I wouldn't think so and I have just realized that I have spent way too much time thinking about this guy and his possible fake accent.

Anyway, not only does he have a possible fake accent but he also wears this completely cheesy red beret (and someday I'm going to end up singing "Raspberry Beret" on a night that he's there (or maybe not because that would be mean and I am many things but I am not mean (oh, shut up. Yes, sometimes I am a bitch, I admit that))) and has this cheesy moustache that looks like it's headed for handlebar status. And one night he sat at our table and kept staring at Beth's chest while stroking said moustache. Not cool. Plus, he also kept calling her Elizabeth after she repeatedly told him that her name is not Elizabeth. And it's not. It's legally Beth. And, even if it wasn't legally Beth, how would he like it if I kept calling him, oh, I don't know, douchebag? Or Pervy McPornington? And he would correct me and I would say "Oh, excuse me. Craig" and I would continue to stare at him and stroke my eyebrow, I guess, and then call him "Pervy" again. I bet he wouldn't like that.

Anyway, yet again, I have become distracted. So Craig walked in on Sunday, dressed in a tweed (or tweedlike) suit and tie. Which, okay, is not normally a fashion disaster. I usually like a man in a suit, especially if it is tailored to fit. However, one thing that I am sure every fashion designer in the world would say is "Please, for the love of God, do not pair your suit with a red beret. That is just not right." Perhaps if he was wearing a black beret or was actually French or maybe looked like Man Pretty Ryan who could wear a burlap sack and look good in it, the combination would work. And why is he, as a Scotsman, wearing a beret? Shouldn't he be wearing a kilt? I would be more accepting of a kilt. Okay, maybe not because he strikes me as having skinny legs (I bet Man Pretty Ryan would look good in a kilt. And Bryan would because he is ruggedly handsome (as he continuously tells us (as a joke)) and doesn't have to shout his Scottish history to the world by using a possibly fake accent. No. Bryan is much cooler than that and can play just about every musical instrument known to man, including bag pipes. Say what you will about bag pipes but I love them).

Now, Beth and I have also mentioned the fact that we seem to have that friend telepathy thing that can be communicated to one another with just a glance or a raised eyebrow (okay, I can't raise my eyebrow but I'm pretty sure she can because she can wink and I can't do that either) or we'll be in a crowded bar on a date with Pete (which was supposed to be a date with someone else and mainly was us communicating back and forth "How did I (You) end up on a date with Pete?") and I can hear everything she says but not a word from him or anyone else. So, Sunday, Craig walks in. Beth and I look at each other.

The following conversation takes place (telepathic part is in Italics):

B: Oh, my GOD!
DM: I know! I know!
B: What the heck is that?
DM: Very poor fashion taste, obviously.
B: I'm going to start laughing.
DM: Me too. Stop looking at me.
B: You stop looking at me!
DM: If we don't get out of here, we're going to lose it.
B: I know!

B (choked voice, trying to restrain laughter): Dana. I need to go to my car. Would you be willing to help me with that?
DM (see above voice description): Why, yes. I would be happy to assist you.

We quickly head outside, round the corner by the door. Beth opens her car door and shuts it again. And then we collapse with laughter. I am holding on to the trunk of her car to keep me upright.

B: Oh my GOD!
DM: I know! I know!
B: What is he doing? Applying for a job for the IRA? And got confused with the Foreign Legion?
DM: I don't know.

More laughter. More holding onto the trunk.

B: (noises to indicate that she is calming down)
DM: (see above noise indicator):

We make the mistake of looking at each other.

B & DM: Bwahahahaha!

Some time goes by.

B: Okay. Should we go in?
DM: Yes. I think so.
B: It's got to be the IRA.
DM: Oh, yeah, that has to be it. And he's just really confused because he's Scottish.

More laughter.

Finally we make it inside, calm, cool and collected. Until a few minutes later.

Unbeknownst to me, Craig has removed his jacket. Beth and Stubes are whispering back and forth. And laughing. I hate it when people are laughing and I don't know what it is about. Dang it!

DM: What?
B: Nothing.

Beth grabs my notebook and writes the following:

B: Dude, suspenders are sexy!

She also put a little squiggly line after sexy. But you can't see that because I don't have a scanner and I don't know how to make Blogger put a little squiggly line. Just in case any of you are wondering, Beth is actually being sarcastic here. She doesn't really like suspenders. Neither do I, unless, of course, they are being worn by manly lumberjacks with manly chests threatening to break free of their manly flannel shirts. Then I am all for suspenders (Craig, if you were wondering, is neither a lumberjack or manly in any way). I am not sure if Beth has a lumberjack exception rule.

Becky and Angie had also noticed Craig and his odd attire. We, being horrible, horrible women, spend a few moments mocking him and trying to figure just what statement he was trying to make. We also bring up another semi-regular (fake name Leaping Larry) that will come in and wear suspenders and it just doesn't work for him either.

Some time goes by.

B: Is that guy wearing pink shorts?
DM: What?
B: He is. Those are pink shorts.

Now I am of the opinion that you should be able to wear every color of the rainbow if you want and that colors should not be limited to you because you are a male or a female. I have seen some extremely attractive men wear pink shirts or pink ties and still put forth a very masculine image. However, there are just some things that cross the line from cutting edge of fashion to Oh my God, dude, what were you thinking? Pink shorts are one of those things. I'm sorry but I have to take a stand here. Next thing you know, you'll have men wandering around wearing paisley and that is just wrong (actually, it's just wrong because I'm not a huge fan of paisley).

Some more time goes by. A man is called up to sing.

DM: Huh. Looks like James Dean has made an appearance.
Angie: Yeah. Looks like he wandered off the set of Grease.

Torn blue jeans, tight white t-shirt, stubble. He may have even had a pack of cigarettes rolled up in his sleeve. He is the epitome of the 50s bad boy.

Beth grabs my notebook again.

B writes: Hey, look. John Travolta just arrived. And he's singing Turn the Page.
DM writes: I had thought James Dean. Angie said he walked off the set of Grease. I guess you guys win.

We declare that it is Fashion Nightmare Sunday. And that is before we notice the cowboy.

That's when it is decided that someone needs to sing "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?" Guess who is elected to sing the song? Guess. Very good. That would be me.

Just for the record, the song "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" is very weird. Rod Stewart is a freak. And apparently, according to Bryan, there used to be a regular that dressed like Rod Stewart and tried to look as much like him as possible. That's just wrong.

And because it wouldn't be right to not post the lyrics of the song, here you go.

My only question, as you are reading this, why does she ask him for a dime to call her mother? What is she going to say? "Hey, Mom, I picked up a random guy and am going to do him now. Don't wait up."

Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?
Rod Stewart

mmm ... ooh

She sits alone waiting for suggestions
He's so nervous avoiding all her questions
His lips are dry, her heart is gently pounding
Don't you just know exactly what they're thinking?

If you want my body and you think I'm sexy
Come on, sugar, let me know
If you really need me just reach out and touch me
Come on, honey, tell me so

He's acting shy looking for an answer
Come on, honey, let's spend the night together
Now hold on a minute before we go much further
Give me a dime so I can phone my mother
They catch a cab to his high rise apartment
At last he can tell her exactly what his heart meant

If you want my body and you think I'm sexy
Come on, sugar, let me know
If you really need me just reach out and touch me
Come on, honey, tell me so

His heart's beating like a drum
'Cause at last he's got his girl home
Relax, baby, now we are alone


They wake at dawn 'cause all the birds are singing
Two total strangers but that ain't what they're thinking
Outside it's cold, misty and it's raining
They got each other, neither one's complaining
He say's I'm sorry but I'm out of milk and coffee
Never mind, sugar, we can watch the early movie

If you want my body and you think I'm sexy
Come on, sugar, let me know
If you really need me just reach out and touch me
Come on, honey, tell me so
Tell me so, baby