Wednesday, August 30, 2006

State Fair Sunday - finally

For those of you that read Monday's post, yeah, I know. I'm not sure what the heck was going on there. I was very tired and had an entire day of bumbling moments, including when I thought it was 2007. I ended up crashing around 6:30 Monday night. But I did leave comments to your comments.

Anyway, let's get back to the whole point of my post which is State Fair Sunday. Thursday marked the opening of the Minnesota State Fair. I could quote you all sorts of things about the State Fair but I'm not going to bother. Mainly, the only thing that you need to know is that our State Fair is probably like every other State Fair throughout the United States - there will be animals and people and interesting variations of food that you would not normally see served on a stick (such as tater tot hot dish on a stick. May I just say WTF?). Of course, here in Minnesota we have Princess Kay of the Milky Way and her head carved out of butter. I doubt Hawaii has butter heads. Poi heads, possibly.

State Fair Sunday is given this name at karaoke to mark any Sunday during the State Fair. It is usually dead at the Chalet because everyone is at the State Fair eating weird foods (also referred to as crap on a stick) and looking at cows. But Beth and I are hardened karaoke junkies and, quite frankly, I don't really want to look at cows all that much. I saw a whole bunch of them on my way to Wisconsin. I waved. We had a moment. It was great.

Anyway, without further meanderings from my bizarre mind, let's get to the point of this post. Conversations from State Fair Sunday. For the record, Beth is not on cold medicine. I also am not on cold medicine but I did take a mint from Angie that she referred to as Ecstacy. This is, by the way, foreshadowing.

The characters:

Elvis - some guy that knows Bryan that is wearing a really weird and ugly shirt.
Dan-O - some guy that knows Elvis that is not wearing a really weird and ugly shirt.
Bryan - The karaoke host.
Beth - Beth. You know her already.
Dana - Also known as DM. You better know her, she is writing this post.
Random Guy - Also known as RG. We do not know him. He is weird.
Stubes - Minor character
Craig - Suspenders Craig who is actually turning out to be a welcome member at our table. He's funny, once you get past the weird fashion sense and the words that make absolutely no sense unless you live in the United Kingdom. And who the hell uses the word Strewth? Plus, that's Australian slang, not British! Oh, wait, I was saying we got past the slang.
Angie, Amy, Becky, etc - Who abandoned us! Very early into the evening.

The setting - The Chalet

The curtain opens as Bryan, the karaoke host, is calling a karaoke singer to the stage (okay, I promise I'm not going to write this as a play).

Bryan: Elvis!
Beth (B): He's alive!
Dana (DM): Elvis isn't dead. He just went home (Quoting K in Men in Black).

Elvis is onstage. He does not look like either Elvis Presley or Elvis Costello. He does look like a guy who thinks way too much of himself who is wearing an ugly shirt and clutching a large cigar.

Elvis (E): There's no one here.
DM: Hey! Boo.

Angie looks at me in puzzlement. I don't normally boo people.

B: I feel discounted.
DM (to Angie): He said there was no one here.
Angie: Boo. You just discounted this entire table.

After about a half an hour, Angie, Amy, Becky and Shannon all leave. We are very sad.

Elvis is singing "Addicted to Love." I start singing "Addicted to Crack" because we had determined awhile ago (the same time that we realized it was really a lot of fun to substitute the word Jesus for the word Baby in songs) that you can easily switch the words around and it will still make sense.

DM: La la la la la. Am I on drugs?
B: Probably. We've just determined that you're addicted to crack.
Random Guy sitting at neighboring table (RG): Ha! I like it when it's slow because you can listen to conversations where people give each other shit.

Stubes has come in and sits next to me. Craig comes in a little bit later and I am happy to see him. It's another person to sit at our table and also add to the rotation.

Elvis wants Bryan to sing "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone." Bryan has ignored his request several times.

E: Hey, where's that song you promised?
Bryan: I'm sorry, I can't hear you over your shirt.

Craig is onstage. Bryan has entered in the number for "Cracklin' Rosie" by mistake.

C: I don't even know who sings that song.
B, D & Bryan (in unison): Neil Diamond.
C: Bleah.
Bryan: But you're singing a song by Neil Diamond.
D: I'm sorry, Craig, but you can no longer sit at our table because you made fun of Neil Diamond. C: I wasn't making fun of him. That was my impression.

I am slightly mollified but am still trying to figure out when Neil Diamond ever said bleah.

Craig and Stubes are sitting on each side of me. I have recently discovered that I am somewhat claustrophobic. Or whatever it is that means you can't handle it when people are sitting too close to you. But hello, we have three tables together. Beth is sitting on one side of the tables by herself. I am in the middle of the tables, facing her (I prefer that. It helps with the whole telepathy thing). It's not like there's not plenty of room and my God, Stubes, could you sit any closer to me? You are practically in my lap. And what is up with that cologne? It's not bad but, dude, that is way too much. Okay, maybe it's not so much that I have a problem when people are sitting too close to me as I have a problem with Stubes sitting too close to me. Beth is watching me twitching and trying to keep from freaking out (see? Telepathy). Finally I break.

DM: Okay. Someone has got to move!

Stubes moves over to the end of the tables on my right. I can breathe again. Craig later moves over to the end of the tables on my left.

B (to Craig): What are you chewing on?
C: A piece of ginseng.
D: Why?
C: Because you won't let me chew on your fingers.
D: You never asked.

Craig lunges across the table and grabs my hand and brings it towards his mouth.

B: You still didn't ask.
C (making weird, vampire face that makes me laugh): May I chew on your fingers?

Someone is singing something. It is probably Random Guy who varied between handling some songs very well to absolutely sucking at other songs. This time he was absolutely sucking again.

C: Naa (or Baa, not sure).
B: Was that a goat?
C: It was a sheep. It's related to Aflac (making the weird Aflac duck sound).

Random Guy keeps trying to insinuate himself into our conversations.

RG: Do either of you know the female part to Picture?
B: No.

My mouth drops open to say something, anything, that will make him never want to ask that question again.

RG: We need more women here.
B: That is a horrible song.
RG: What? I love that song.

My mouth is still open in dismay. Beth and I exchange a look which indicates that Random Guy has completely lost any cool points that he might have had (which was not a very high number, believe me).

Either Random Guy or Stubes has mentioned something about baseball. Something to do with the Twins not getting enough runs or something like that. I turn and look at the big screen TV (and I'm still not sure why because I'm not a huge baseball fan).

E: Why are you looking at me?
DM: I'm looking at the TV.

He has irritated me. I must say something sarcastic and cutting.

DM (in a sarcastic and cutting tone): It's because you're just so beautiful.
E (arms go up in the air in a triumphant manner): Yes!
B: It's the shirt.
E: Shut up about the shirt!

Apparently I missed the part where he flashed his hairy chest at Beth and Stubes mentioned something about how he could weave a carpet from it. I did catch the following.

Stubes: You could set it on fire and that might draw less attention.

Dan-O is going to sing. Dan-O has slightly intrigued me because he is not overly irritating, unlike Elvis. We try not to judge people because they have bad friends.

D: What are you going to sing?

I am curious because, while he didn't sing his first song very well, he got much better.

B: Chicken!

"Strange Days" by The Doors appears on the screen. I am confused.

D: Didn't you already sing this?
Dan-O: No. Pay attention.
RG: It's too much money.

Dan-O had sang "Nobody Told Me" by the Beatles which has the words "strange days indeed."

E: Do the batusi.

A Batman reference. An Adam West Batman reference!

D: Hee! He has just redeemed himself.
B: Maybe in your eyes.

Beth is singing "Looking Out My Back Door."

Stubes: You've got a great back door, Beth.

Beth is irritated by this. Who can blame her? Stubes is nice enough but sometimes his remarks go a bit far.

Beth finishes singing.

C: I'm not going to be the Aflac goat this time.

Beth is looking through the book again.

B: I want Bryan to sing "Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car" by Billy Ocean*.
DM: Why?
B: Because it's funny.
DM: Why?
B: Because he drives a mini-van.

A few minutes later.

B: You should sing "Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car."
DM: Why?
B: Because you don't drive. That would be even funnier.
DM: Ha.

*Interesting side note about Billy Ocean. My mother once brought home a cassette (shut up, I'm old. At least it wasn't an 8 track) by Billy Ocean and she was all excited about it until she put it in the cassette player. Then she was confused as to why Billy Ocean's vaguely Caribbean style had changed to more of an angry punk rocker style. That is when I looked at the cassette and said "Mom. This is Billy Idol. Not Billy Ocean." I ended up with a new cassette that day.

You can see how she made this mistake.

Billy%20Ocean%20-%20European%20queen 200px-BillyIdolBillyIdol

Why, they're practically twins!


B: You should sing "Ghostbusters."
DM: Should I strip during it?
Stubes: Whistles.
DM: And then I could break the disco ball.

Laterer (yes, I know it's not a word but it was fun).

B: Bryan should sing "Ghostbusters."
RG: And he could strip to it.
B: You were here that evening?
RG: Yeah.
B: That's why we don't have a disco ball.

Elvis is called up.

B: I'm going to go to the bathroom.
C: Wait, I'm up next.

Craig had told us earlier in the evening that he was going to sing "Blaze of Glory." Beth is not a Bon Jovi fan and we joked about how she would probably go hide in the bathroom.

B: Oh, no. It's the lesser of two evils.

She leaves.

C: What?
DM: It's the lesser of two evils. Trust me, it's a compliment. She's not overly fond of him and would rather sit through "Blaze of Glory" than listen to him.

Elvis finishes singing. Craig is called up and starts singing "Blaze of Glory." My mouth falls open. He is really good at this song. One of the reasons why we hate it when people sing Bon Jovi is that they're never any good at it. I think Craig might actually be better than Jon Bon Jovi at this song.

Random Guy is singing something. He starts having a coughing fit.

RG: Cough, cough, cough.
C: There's no dying in karaoke!

Later. This happened rather frequently.

DM: La la la la la, lalalala, la.
B: I'm glad I'm back to being the normal one.

James and Matt arrive. Stubes has left. James and Beth are amusing themselves by looking through the book and finding weird song names.

James wants Bryan to sing "It Wasn't God Who Made Honkeytonk Angels." I cannot help but post the lyrics to this song because it is imperative that you read them to see how hilarious it was that Bryan was the one singing this song.

It Wasn't God Who Made Honkeytonk Angels - Kitty Wells

As I sit here tonight the jukebox playin'
The tune about the wild side of life
As I listen to the words you are sayin'
It brings memories when I was a trusting wife

It wasn't God who made Honky Tonk angels
As you said in the words of your song
Too many times married men think they're still single
That has caused many a good girl to go wrong

It's a shame that all the blame is on us women
It's not true that only you men feel the same
From the start most every heart that's ever broken
Was because there always was a man to blame

It wasn't God who made Honky Tonk angels
As you said in the words of your song
Too many times married men think they're still single
That has caused many a good girl to go wrong

Bryan: I'll sing it. Hilton! Can I wear your hat?

Hilton tends to wear a cowboy hat. We don't mock him though because he is a good singer and doesn't just sing Country. Bryan begins singing the song with a fairly decent twang.

Bryan: 'It brings memories when I was a trusting wife.'

We dissolve into laughter. Hey. No one said we were mature.

Bryan: 'Too many times married men think they're still single. That has caused many a good girl to go wrong' and grow a penis like me.

Yes. More laughter. He continues to sing the song in the twang, throwing in the occasional wry remark.

E: Did you strain your uterus?
Bryan: My, uh, fallopian area.
C: Do you need a truss?
DM: Would anyone mind if I bludgeoned him to death (I am referring to Elvis).
B: No.

I say something to Beth. I don't remember what it was.

B: Matt? Do you have your driver's liscense yet?
M: No, not yet.
B: Oh. I was going to ask you to drive Dana home because she's scaring me and I think she might kill me.
DM: Why would I kill you?
M: Dana, if you kill Beth I will be inconsolable for all of ten minutes and then I will be very angry with you for a long time and I will burn down kitty farms in your name.
DM: What? Kitty farms? You can't do that.
M: I can.
DM: Well, then I will have to kill you.
M: James won't let you. He needs me at work. Not enough staff.
DM: I'm going to ask him.

Matt goes somewhere. There is a pause in conversation between James, Liz and Craig.

DM: James?
J: Yes.
DM: May I kill Matt?
J: Sure.

Matt comes back.

DM: Ha! He said I could kill you! So there!

There is then a long drawn out conversation about the proposed murder of Matt and how I outrank him because I am the Queen of the Universe and he said he was the King of the Universe and that is just not possible because he would have to marry me to become the King of the Universe and if I married him, I would have to kill him but somehow I could bring him back to life and then I would do that daily because he would irritate me and then I could kill him multiple times. I am much more bloodthirsty than I thought.

B (Making noise of frustration): If you can bring him back to life, you can bring me back to life!
DM: But he has killed kitties.
B: You can bring the kitties back to life as well! And that solves the problem and there is no need for this conversation to continue!

She turns to James.

B: I will talk to you. You have a logical mind.
DM: Beth? Am I on drugs? Seriously?
B: I think you might be.
DM: I'm really beginning to think Angie did give me Ecstacy.
B: Yeah. I am as well.
Bryan: No. If you had taken Ecstacy, you'd be hugging everyone. Asking random strangers to hold your hand.
DM: Oh. Maybe I'm just insane.

Random Guy started hovering around our table shortly after that, quite possibly to figure out if I was on Ecstacy and going to ask him to hold my hand. He was kind of creepy.

Eventually the bar closed and we spend time talking to Liz, James and Bryan. James' birthday is on Monday and he is throwing a party on Sunday.

James (J): I know you guys usually come to karaoke on Sundays but I'm having a party.
B: You're inviting us?
J: Why would I tell you about my party and not invite you?
DM: To torture me.

So next Sunday will not be about karaoke but about James' party. As Beth put it Sunday night, we are moving in even further to the cool circle. Life is good. Except I am possibly on drugs and having bizarre dreams. Maybe I should check to see if one of Seroquel's side effects is dreaming about Alien Jesus. Apparently that is not one of the side effects. Maybe I am just insane. Oh well, at least I'm in a good mood, right?