Friday, September 01, 2006

How to guarantee you will never ever get me into bed. Ever.

So. This guy named Stubes. I've mentioned him before, right? I've mentioned the fact that he has expressed some interest in me. He is fascinated with my nickname Hurricane Dana and has even gone as far as to insert it into songs he has sung at karaoke, including "Honkeytonk Badonkadonk (and if this is spelled wrong I could care less because it is, quite possibly one of the most annoying songs ever sang. Not quite as bad as "Picture" but close enough. Why would anyone think a song about slapping your grandmother because some woman has a nice ass would be romantic? Why?) which is, to quote Beth, the country version of "Baby Got Back."

Now no one really calls me Hurricane Dana that often. It has morphed into Slurricane Dana or just Slurricane since the night I got really, really drunk. But Stubes doesn't know that. Because he just sort of hangs around our table and makes annoying off color remarks and you know that someone is really starting to tick me off when I am more excited to see Craig (not hot Craig either. Suspenders Craig). Honestly, I would rather go on a date with Pete...okay, wait, no, that's not even close to true. Stubes at least seems to have a personality, I just don't like it all that much.

Anyway. So last Thursday, James was sitting across the table from me. Stubes was up singing the Bar Buttocks song.

DM (to James): If I leap across the table and kiss you, don't take it personally.
James: Okay.
DM: He (indicating Stubes) is not getting the hint.
James: Says something but I couldn't hear him over the Saloon Ass song.
Beth: Listen to the song. He'll insert her name into it at least once.

Which, of course, he didn't. The one time I want him to sing my name in the stupid song, he doesn't. And no, I didn't leap over the table to kiss James. I am not that coordinated. I would fall over and it would be embarrassing.

I've posted about this last Sunday and how Stubes was irritating both Beth and myself. Well, now he has completely clinched that he is not the man for me and never will be (okay, I didn't really have any problems figuring this out already but it is a nice segue).

Beth and I arrive at the Chalet last night. The parking lot is surprisingly empty. Hmm. Thursday nights are usually quite crowded. We walk in. The place is jam pack full of people.

B: There must have been a caravan or something.
DM: Yeah, I guess so.
B: We have two options. Sit at that table (closest to the wall nearest the stage) or sit at the bar.
DM: Do you want to sit at the table?
B: No. Let's sit at the bar.
DM: Okay.

We go and sit at the bar, in the back. It is somewhat quiet there. I use the word somewhat in this case to mean "really freakin' loud but not the chaos that is the actual bar." We are sitting next to the cigarette machine. One thing to know about the cigarette machine is that you need to have the bartender turn it on in order to get your cigarettes out of the machine. I do not know why there isn't a sign posted on the machine about this but Beth and I were more than happy to tell the many people who tried to buy smokes this fact.

Stubes walks into the bar.

B: There's Stubes.
DM: Oh, God.
B: Maybe he won't see us.
DM: This might work.

I take my purse and hold it in front of my face. This way, if he looks in our direction, he will see Beth and my purse. It is a subtle disguise. No, I do not spend the evening holding my purse in front of my face. That would just be silly. I do try ducking behind the bar for a little bit. It doesn't work overly well. Not very comfortable.

Stubes does eventually find us. Oh, joy. He comes over and says hello. He has this guy with him. The guy is somewhat cute.

Stubes: This is Dan. Dan, this is Beth and Dana.
Dan: Beth.

Shakes Beth's hand.

Dan: Dana.

Shakes my hand.

Stubes: Hurricane Dana.
Dan: Hurricane Dana? That's a cold-hearted nickname.

Later, Dan comes over to buy a pack of cigarettes. He, of course, can't get the cigarettes because he didn't ask Annie to turn on the machine. We let him know this.

Stubes comes over again.

Dan: Who do you need to fuck around here to get a pack of cigarettes?

Classy. Wow. You know how I said he was kind of cute? Yeah. Take it back.

Stubes: Dana.

Uh, excuse me? Beth and I exchange a look. You may be familliar with this look. It is the look that says "Oh my God! Could this guy be anymore of an ass?"

Not that he ever had a chance of succeeding with me but that was the last straw. The really drunk guy that asked me for an ice cube and then told me he loved me, twice, had a better chance of experiencing the chaotic joy that is Hurricane Dana, Class 5 Love Hurricane that she is (I'm not sure why I decided to refer to myself in the 3rd person there but what the heck). Tom Cruise Crazy has a better chance with me. Hell, Tom Cruise himself has a better chance and I HATE Tom Cruise.

I am not sure what I'm going to say to Stubes when I see him again. I may ask Matt to be my fake boyfriend again. Any suggestions? I am leaning towards hitting him over the head with a chair. That might get the point across.

Oh, to add to the excitement of the evening, there's a fight about something going on in the main part of the bar. Something to do with some guy not being pleased that another guy has looked in the direction of his "baby's mama." Yes. He actually used those words. Personally, I would dump him. To add to the tension, he may be a member of the Black Hat Mafia (to change things up, they are back wearing the black hats. Perhaps they are in disguise as well) and the person he is angry with is black. Because we can't just fight about karaoke all the time. Sometimes we have to add racial tension to the mix.

Liz was there and we talked a little bit about James' party and how we should get him cream cheese squares. Apparently, when he was younger, his friends would buy candy and he would get cream cheese. I am both confused and amused by this.

The evening ended with a whole bunch of people in the parking lot screaming at each other while Bryan and Andrew tried to reason with them or at least make sure that no one killed each other.

DM: You know, sometimes I just want to say to these people Hey, there's a big lake right across the street. Why don't you try to drown each other and stay away from the Chalet?
B: Sometimes I just want to say to them that they should grow up and is it really worth this?

While Beth's answer is the more mature one, I like to imagine the rumble escalating into a splashing fight. It makes me giggle.

Hope you all have a great weekend. I am going to Beth's tomorrow to scrapbook and then to James' for the party (yay!) and I have Monday off so I am very excited about this!