Monday, August 21, 2006

Rumble at the Chalet

Yes. A fight broke out between the Sharks and the Jets at the Chalet last night. Mainly they were upset because Tony and Maria fell in love and that's just wrong and, hmm, I think I'm getting confused between last night and West Side Story. Must be the whole karaoke thing making me think we starred in the musical. Anyway, I'll get to the fight later.

First, I must bring to you a very rare but amusing feature to my blog. This feature is called "Beth on drugs." The first post happened awhile ago and I'm trying to find it but, again, my archives totally suck and I can't figure where it is and I am not going to waste my entire lunch hour searching in vain. I'll find it later and post the link at that time. I found it! Woo-hoo! Oh! Actually there are two links. The first one is at her house and this 2nd one is at karaoke.

I want to state, for the record, that the drugs being mentioned are completely legal. The first time was when Beth had a wisdom tooth pulled and was prescribed codeine. This time, Beth is suffering from a cold and is on cold medicine. Beth gets rather goofy when on medicine of this type and can be quite amusing.

And, without further ado, here's some Bethisms from last night.

Quite possibly the worst rendition of "Wild Horses" ever heard is being sung by a man named Jeff.

Jeff: Wild horses could not drag me away.
Beth (B): I'm pretty sure wild horses could drag me away right now.

Later, Jeff is singing "All My Love."

B: I don't even know this song but I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to sound like this.

She is right. It was horrible.


B: Triangle! In an octogon!

She is using her straw to make a triangle shape in her octogon shaped glass. At least she still knows her shapes.


B (to Craig): We know two Craigs. There is Sexy Craig and Suspender Craig. You are Sexy Craig.
Craig: Well, I'm glad I'm on someone's sexy list.


B: I sick. Ba da da da.

I'm pretty sure this is when I dissolved into helpless laughter.

Later. Beth has just asked me to sing a song.

DM: I don't know that song.
B: You will. It's karaoke!

Later. Beth is looking through the song book.

B (singing): Never going to fall in love again. Down at the Twist and Shout.

These are both song titles. I was amused at how well they fit together.

Later. Beth holds up her phone.

B: This is what my phone looks like.
DM: Really?

I am somewhat sarcastic here in my surprise because I have seen her phone many times.

B: Yeah.

Later again.

B: Steve and I were driving to Target and he said that he hates (person they work with) and I said I made green beans.

How do you respond to that? How? Apparently Steve said "That was random." Which is a good response.

Later. Beth and I are both looking through books, looking for fun and exciting songs to sing.

DM: You should sing "I Believe I Can Fly."
B: No. Because Renee will walk into a pole.
DM: What?

Beth doesn't respond. She goes back to looking through the book and I still don't know why Renee will walk into a pole. I'm not even sure I know who Renee is.

Later. Beth has said something odd. I'm not sure I remember what it is. It might be that she's humming something.

DM: I would tell you that I think you're on crack but I know that you're not. It's just cold medicine.

Later again.

B: I kick the chair. See? It moves when I kick it.

She is kicking the chair next to me, making little growly noises at it.

DM: Do you know how hard it is for me to be the normal one?

Later. Beth is telling me about Spirit Week at her area of NABABNA. Friday was Superhero Day (which is so very cool).

B: Dustin was wearing a bandana on Friday and he was La-Z Boy. And they asked what that was and he said he was the most powerful Superhero in the world. He just doesn't do anything.

I think I would like Dustin.

A random guy comes over to our table and takes Shannon's purse. He begins walking away.

B: That's Shannon's purse.
Random Guy: I know. I'm bringing it to her.
B: I know. I'm sick. I point out the obvious.


B: That man is short.

I look over. That man is short. His head was on the same level as the popcorn machine.

Okay. So the fight. Do you want to know what the fight was about? I can just see you all sitting there, on the edge of your seat, throwing out ideas. Was it about rival gangs trying to claim the Chalet as their turf? Was it over an attempted robbery? Was it over star-crossed lovers?

The answer is no. Apparently the fight was over karaoke. Yes. I am as shocked as you.

So. These guys who sit in the back of the room were mocking karaoke singers. But they have chosen an odd way of mocking. They applaud the singer. I am not sure how applauding is mocking but hey, to each their own.

I find this out as Beth was driving me home.

B: Do you know what the fight was about?
DM: No. I have no idea.
B: Okay, so these guys are mocking the karaoke singers.
DM: How did they mock them?
B: By applauding. Didn't you hear the thunderous applause when Craig finished singing?
DM: Yeah. I just figured they liked his singing. He did pretty good with that song.
B: No. They were mocking him. I hate those guys.
DM: Oh. Well, then I guess they were mocking me as well.
B: I really hate those guys.

Do I care that they mocked me? No. Because the major mockers, two people we have never seen before but seem to have glommed onto our friendly neighborhood gang (more on them later), later get up to sing karaoke. They choose "Free Bird."

"Free Bird" is a great song. If it is being sung by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Or even the guy that played Giles on Buffy (why can't I think of his name right now? Oh! Anthony Stewart Head). I am actually quite fond of the song. I used to ask Bryan to sing it and then he got sick of that and made me sing it. And that is when I realized that, as great as this song is, unless you are actually playing the guitar, it is the longest song in the world and you will seriously regret deciding to do this. Trust me.

Anyway, these guys? Yeah, they suck. I turn to Shawn (friend of James, Liz and Matt).

DM: I figure if I look this way long enough, eventually they will go away.
S: This is a good plan.

A minute passes.

DM: It's not working. Please shoot me.
S: It's okay. Bryan is making them stop.

The annoying men left the stage and went back to their table.

We spend the rest of our time before the bar closes in conversation. Suspenders Craig regales us with the tale of his DWI's and why he quit drinking (on probation until March 15, 2009), we end up discussing puke because someone decided to throw up in the woman's bathroom and then laugh over the fact that Craig has referred to his social life as being poo-poo while walking away from the table.

B: Did he just say poo-poo?
James: Yes. It's big in Scotland.
All of us: But he's not in Scotland or But this is America.
J: Yeah. I know.

Two o'clock arrives. The bar is officially closed but we are finishing up conversations, some people are finishing their drinks, etc.

One of the annoying men walks past our table. There is a chair in his way. He grabs it and throws it aside.

DM: Well. That was thug-like.

Apparently my psychic powers were working well that night (it's now Tuesday. We were busy yesterday and I couldn't finish) because this was foreshadowing.

Thug Man walks up to the table next to us and starts yelling at the man sitting there. We'll call him Billy Joel because he was an Innocent Man.

Thug Man: You (swear word) should keep your (swear word) mouth (swear word) shut. (Swear word, swear word, more swear words).
Billy Joel: Stands there, stoic. Doesn't say a word.
TM: (Swear words).

Bryan and Benny head over to the table. Whenever there is a fight, Bryan is always headed over there to calm it down. He is amazing at this. Benny will always back Bryan up. Plus, not that we've ever been needed, but Beth and I will always have Bryan's back. Don't mess with my karaoke host. You will not like me if my karaoke is threatened.

Bryan: Says something to calm TM down.
TM: I don't care if he's your boy, he's a (swear word).
Bryan: Uh, I've never met him before tonight. This is just ridiculous to fight about.
Billy Joel's friend (otherwise known as Tall Girl): He didn't even say anything. I was the one that said it. If you're going to be mad, you should be mad at me.
TM: Oh, he's just a (swear word). Hiding behind a (swear word) girl (or something to that effect).
Tall Girl: Yeah, well, you're a (swear word).
TM's girlfriend or, more appropriately, crack whore: Oh, yeah? Well, I'm not afraid of you, you (swear word). I'll take you on, (swear word).
B: I know swear words too.

Crack Whore and Tall Girl start making threatening gestures at each other. It would be funny if it wasn't for the fact that our table has suddenly ended up in the middle of this. Actually, you know what? It was funny. You haven't lived until you've seen two women making fight gestures and showing off how tough they are so that they can fight about karaoke.

Now, remember when I mentioned our friendly neighborhood gang? Well, there's this group of guys that come up to the Chalet who we used to call the Black Hat Mafia because they always wore black hats. Apparently they didn't like us calling them this so they stopped wearing the black hats. Then, in an effort to trick us, they started wearing white t-shirts. So, of course, we had no recourse but to refer to them as the White Shirt Gang. We have joked about the fact that they all have a height restriction, no one very tall is ever seen hanging out with them (except every once in awhile). The leaders of the White Shirt Gang are two brothers, Al and Josh (I think that is the latter's name) and they are actually not that bad. Al dates Shannon, a friend of Angie and Amy's and I think she would seriously hurt him if he ever did anything bad. Josh (also known as Unibrow) also seems nice enough.

Unibrow headed over to the table, towards Thug Man and Liz stopped him.

Liz: Leave it alone. You'll just make it worse.
UB: No. I'm going to get him out of here.
Liz: Oh. Okay.

UB grabs TM by the arm and starts trying to pull him away. TM shrugs him off and continues swearing and yelling at BJ. BJ just stands there, letting him get out his anger, not bothering to do anything. He has (rightly) determined that there's really not good reason to have this escalate.

Finally UB prevails and he drags TM outside. CW also leaves. TM and CW continue to yell swear words and make threatening gestures.

Liz begins telling BJ and TG about how, while Al and Josh seem to be halfway decent, the majority of their friends are not and will sometimes follow people in the hopes of continuing the fight. She asks that they make sure Bryan walks them out when they leave. Eventually BJ and TG's friend decides that she's going to leave. TG walks her out.

Some time passes. I am worried that it is taking awhile for TG to return. When I mention it, Liz decides to go out and check. She returns shortly, TG and Bryan also return. Apparently TM and CW decided to hang around waiting. I'm not sure what happened but they did leave, moments before the police appeared. Dang it.

Shawn leaves. James leaves a little later. Beth and I hang out with Liz until it is time to leave. Sadness. After karaoke is my absolute favorite part of karaoke. If it was possible, I would like after karaoke to last forever.

As Beth is driving me home, I find out more information about why this almost fight almost happened. Apparently Tall Girl, annoyed by Thug Man and his friend's antics of mocking karaoke singers, makes a comment.

TG: You gave everyone else crap for singing karaoke and now you decide to do it? And you sing "Free Bird?" Scoff (Okay, she didn't really say scoff but she indicated that she was scoffing at them in her tone).

I am stunned when Beth tells me this.

DM: But...but they sang "Free Bird."
B: I know.
DM: And they sucked!
B: I know.
DM: That's just dumb.
B: Oh, yeah.

We hang out in front of my building for awhile, enjoying the coolness of the night and chatting. And then it is after 3 AM and time for me to go inside and attempt to sleep.

I love karaoke. I really and truly adore it with all my heart. As I was talking to one of my co-workers (Hi, Jason) about blogging (he just started recently) and the almost fight, I mentioned that these things, when they happen, are odd and a little scary but damn if they don't make good blog fodder.

Anyway, I hope you all had good weekends. I also went to three movies with Keem on Saturday. We saw Accepted, Pirates of the Carribean 2 and Talladega Nights. I was amused by all three although Pirates kind of annoyed me because I hate cliff hangers. I think I liked Accepted the best because it has the extremely cute Justin Long from Dodgeball in it and he is pretty darn funny.