The Wild and Crazy Weekend

I came in to work this morning to find that my computer profile decided to become corrupt over the weekend and suddenly I had lost all of my precious, precious computer related things. It was very sad. So, while Computer Guy Eric was working on my computer, I was sitting at Co-Worker Beau's desk, reading my favorite magazine (Woman's World) and then moving on to my new book (Remember Me (by Sophie Kinsella)) when Beau came in. He was a little surprised to see me but I explained that his chair was more comfortable than Co-Worker Rykken's chair.

Beau: What'd you do to your computer?
DM: I'm not sure. My profile is corrupt or something.
Beau: I always knew you were corrupt.

What? How could he say such a thing? Was it because my Sunday was spent jet boating with a much younger man, deep sea fishing? And I was steering the boat without a real driver's license? Could that be it? Must be.

Expect that the much younger man was 4 and the jet boat was in our imaginations.

Saturday, Beth's mom Laurie picked me up and we got to Beth's new house at about 2:30. Beth gave me the tour of her new house and it is terribly, terribly cute. Completely adorable. After Beth left for work, Laurie and I got started on the "fun cleaning," putting in shelf paper in the kitchen. I know this sounds easy but it really wasn't. Other than a lunch break (at Wong's, quite possibly the best chicken chow mein ever, well, outside of David Fongs (which I've only had once but have been craving for years)), we pretty much didn't stop (well, okay, I did take a break or two). It was interesting watching Laurie climb all over the counters and contort herself to get into the lower shelves. I wish I would have remembered to take pictures. I was in charge of cutting the shelf paper. Yeah, maybe not such a good idea because I am measuring challenged and also have a slight problem cutting (let alone walking) in a straight line. Eventually I got the hang of it. At about 9:30, Laurie and I finished the kitchen and thought about doing the linen closet. Common sense won over though and we left.

Sunday, people started arriving at around 11:00. First it was Beth's dad Terry, Laurie and one of Beth's employees, Jennifer. We started hauling boxes and it was soon established that I should not walk down the stairs because a) I am terrified of the stairs, b) it hurts (left knee has arthritis, right heel has foot spur) and c) walking down the stairs requires walking back up the stairs and that results in asthma outbreaks. Wow! I'm useful to have around on a move. But I was able to carry boxes to the top of the stairs at least.

A little while later, Liz and James showed up and so did Sarah, Nicole (another one of Beth's employees) and Nicole's 4 year old son Timmy. Then Scott, Laurie's boyfriend, Dave, Sandy (Scott's brother, sister-in-law) and their daughter (whose name I forgot) were there. Somehow I ended up being in charge of Timmy, distracting him so his mom could help move stuff and also keeping him out of the way.

Other than being told that Dana Marie Vittum was a silly name, Timmy and I got along fabulously. We sat in the chairs in the living room while people moved things around us, pretending we were fishing. Sarah walked by with the smart-ass comment "Fishing? Yeah? Well, keep her a way from fish hooks."

As we were fishing, Timmy protected me from an "ark" that had bit my leg clear off. But Timmy "ixed" it. Timmy has a slight problem pronouncing the first letter of words which led to me saying "Cat food?" and being told by Sarah that he meant harpoon. Yes. Because they sound so much alike.

Timmy also caught two dolphins for me, one a baby and to which I said "I will hug him and kiss him and call him George." The shark was put in a cage.

DM: Should we go jump the shark?
Timmy: Yes!
DM: Okay, let's go. Vroom.
Timmy: Vroom.
DM: Yes! We jumped the shark.
Beth: Laughter.

We also saved Beth's stuffed penguin from the sharks as well. Later, after the chairs were taken away and Timmy was following Beth around, I took him outside. We sat on the concrete outside of her apartment and were using our jet boat to travel to Colorado. I'm not sure what is in Colorado but Timmy suggested it.

DM: Should I drive?
Timmy: Yes.
DM: I don't have a driver's license.
Timmy: Oh. Here you go. I've made you one.

He hands me an imaginary license.

DM: Thank you.
Timmy: Now make me one.
DM: Okay.

I hand him an imaginary license.

Liz is climbing out of the truck.

DM: Liz! I have a driver's license.

The look Liz gets on her face is well, stunned. The best description? Deer caught in the headlights.

Liz: Really?
DM: Yes. Timmy gave it to me.
Liz: I was wondering about that. I was worried it was from the state.

Later, Timmy and I put on our imaginary pajamas (penguins for me, Power Rangers for him. I wouldn't normally choose penguin pajamas but who am I to argue with a small child?) and took a nap on the boat.

James: What are you doing?
DM: We're wearing our pajamas. Mine are penguins. Timmy's are Power Rangers.
James (To Timmy): You know I kick penguins (He pretended to kick the stuffed penguin earlier). Now I'll have to kick her.

DM: You're going to kick me? Gasp.
Timmy: Dump the arks on him!
DM: Okay.

Timmy hands me the shoe box he became fascinated with and asked his mom if he could take it home (it soon became the ark cage). I take the box and pretend to dump the sharks on James' head.

DM: Look. The sharks are biting his ears.
Timmy: They're biting his hair!

Later, at Beth's house, I took Timmy out to the back yard after he was wandering around talking to every one. This way, since the path through Beth's living room was ever shrinking, it would make sure that he did not get smooshed. In the back yard, he showed me his robot dog and how he was living in the box with the sharks.

Timmy almost (operative word almost) made me regret my choice to not have children. He was adorable and funny and seriously, seriously cute. I am sure he is not like this all the time. As he was leaving with his mother and after he had told me he would miss me and then came running back to hug me goodbye, I almost told Nicole that, if she ever needed a babysitter, she should call me. And then I came to my senses.

Keem wasn't able to participate in the move because she went home to LaCrosse for the weekend. She got back into town later in the afternoon and was sitting in the back yard with Beth and myself after everyone else went home (this was an amazingly quick move. But Beth had a huge amount of people helping her (and taking my share of the load. Although I was able to do more than when she moved into her apartment. Then I got to hold the door because I started up with the heat stroke again. I am a wimp)).

Beth: I bought a new wireless router. The guy said the difference was that it was stronger and then I could sit in the back yard and be online.

Keem: I could also sit out here with you on my laptop.
DM: I don't have a laptop.
Beth and Keem (this was back and forth and I don't remember who said what): We could get her a piece of cardboard. And draw a keyboard on it with qwerty. And then she could pretend she was typing.

DM: Uh, yeah, I think I'd read instead. Thanks.

For whatever reason, the top of my right foot decided to start cramping. Beth suggested I get up and walk around and I did. For awhile I was fascinated by the two squirrels that were chasing each other around one of her non-pine trees and then leaping to the pine tree. And there were also birds that I was watching. Eventually, though, I decided to head back to sit with Beth and Keem. It is then that I saw it.

I'm kind of allergic to pine. Because there's mold on pine. So you would think that when I saw the really cool pinecone that wasn't really a pinecone but looked like a pinecone thing on the tree that I would just say "Oh, cool" and walk away. Nope. Not this girl.

I pull the branch down to look at the above mentioned pineconey thing. A strange green substance, almost like smoke, comes drifting down towards my face.

DM: Cool!
Keem: That's pinecone pollen. The tree is germinating. That's how it does it.

Keem knows everything.

DM: Weird.
Beth and Keem: Do it again.
DM: Okay.

I do. More green smoke-like stuff drifts down on my face, I inhale it. You know, because I'm brilliant.

Keem: Um, Dana, I just thought about this. You're allergic to pine.
DM: Oh, crap.

By the time we left Beth's, I was starting to get a headache. By the time we got home, I was starting to wheeze. I popped two Benadryls and then was supposed to get in the shower but was reading my new book (my previous new book (Queen of Babble in the Big City by Meg Cabot)).

Keem: Dana! Stop reading and get in the shower!
DM: I am.

15 minutes later.

Keem: Dana!
DM: Okay.

I was still wheezing a little bit this morning but nothing major. At least I didn't break into hives or throw up or anything like that.

And my computer is fixed (well, obviously since I have sent this via email). Once my computer was fixed, I was able to start working (most relaxing Monday morning ever since it took until after 10 for it to be fixed. An hour and half of reading. Woo-hoo!).

Hope you all had a great weekend!

Perhaps I am insane

Or I'm not hearing things and the piped in music in the Ramada Inn lobby is actually some jazzy version of "The Little Drummer Boy."

Seriously. I just had to check the date. It is May 7th. Christmas is not for many, many months. Who plays Christmas music in May?

And then, I swear to all that is Holy (such as the night), it then turned into this jazzy rendition of "At Last." WTF? Are you kidding me? Not that it wasn't good but it was a duet. Very strange.

I also got to hear a conversation between some English guy and the male clerk at the front desk about how the English guy usually scores pretty well because he's English. Apparently we foolish American women are turned on by an accent and overlook the fact that he a) is married and b) seems to have no personality. Apparently both he and male clerk are on their 3rd wives. Male clerk looks to be about 35. Also, English guy got married for the 1st time when he was 16. Apparently that's legal in England.

In case you are wondering, the lobby has computers with free internet so I can catch up on my blogs and email. And eavesdrop on interesting conversations between the clerk and random people. The Ramada Inn, by the way, features a Belgium waffle breakfast. I've heard that approximately 6 times. I have also heard "Rockin' Robin" and "Little Bitty Pretty One" twice within the last hour so apparently the music played here is odder than I thought.

The vacation is going well. On Friday Keem and I went to the zoo (the Minnesota Zoo, it's bigger than the Como Zoo in Saint Paul but the Como Zoo will always be my favorite) and the worst Mexican restaurant in the world (Tequila's in LaCrosse with Keem's mom Kathy and her niece Kylee (a mini version of Keem - silly and sarcastic. At the age of 9. I thought sarcasm wasn't something you learned until you were a teenager)).

We spent two nights in LaCrosse and went to visit my favorite store in the world, Shopko. I don't know why Shopko is my favorite. I have loved it ever since I lived in Madison, many, many years ago. Perhaps because it was cheap but also had cool stuff. Saturday, Keem, Kathy and I drove to Marquette, Iowa to the Isle of Capri (a river boat casino. Not as exciting as I thought but I did manage to walk out with money left in my pocket and only lost 5 dollars. In my book, that counts as winning). The drive was very pretty and I have many pictures.

Keem, Kathy and I drove to Wisconsin Dells on Sunday (after I called my sister and wished her a happy Mother's Day. And then everyone laughed at me because apparently Mother's Day is this Sunday, not last Sunday). We stayed at the Ho-Chunk Casino because Keem and I stayed there last year and enjoyed it. The hotel is very nice. We decided to only stay there for two days because it is expensive and also, the temptation to gamble is removed if you're not actually staying in the casino.

On Monday, we took the upper Dells boat trip. Very fun, would have been better if not for the two screaming little girls that sat in front of us. Apparently they were tired, which you would think the parents would notice before taking the kids on a two hour boat ride. After awhile, you could just turn them out and they did stop the screaming for most of the trip. Their older brother was a perfect angel during the entire trip and amused me greatly when he turned to his dad and asked "Can't we just throw them off the boat?" His dad responded with "I think I'm going to jump off the boat."

Keem and I got rather sunburned so we decided to take another boat trip the other day and compound the sunburn. This was on the lower Dells and was only an hour.

Today was kind of rainy. Kathy left earlier this morning and it is now just Keem and I. So we decided to go to the movies. We saw "Made of Honor" with Patrick Dempsey (I've liked him ever since "Can't Buy Me Love" and "Lover Boy" and that other one he was in where he was a pizza delivery boy who began to supplement his income by providing other services besides pizza (can't remember the name, too tired to go to IMDB) and "Iron Man" with Robert Downey Jr.

Liked them both. For different reasons, of course. "Made of Honor" was cute, funny and had some gorgeous scenery (parts of it is filmed in the UK). "Iron Man" had things that blew up, an awesome plane chase and Robert Downey Jr.

Tomorrow we are off to Mount Horeb for the second annual visit to the Mustard Museum. So looking forward to that. NPW, not sure if they have post cards but if they do, you will receive one. If not, I'll find another one for you somewhere.

Pictures when we get home. Have a great week, guys!

I'm back in the office

Hello all.

I'm back at work after my glorious vacation and the procedure that took place on the 12th. Sorry for not updating you sooner.

Vacation was fun. Procedure (endometrial ablation) went smoothly. Except for one or two minor details.

Here is something that I would recommend you not do if you ever think that you might need surgery at some point in your life.

Get your "nether regions" pierced.

Why? Because apparently you cannot wear jewelry while in the operating room because it could cause a spark and there could be a fire. While my earrings were easy enough to remove, the lower piercing took some work. I was not able to remove it myself so you can imagine my sister's reaction when she was shown into my room by the nurse.

Nurse: She's having some difficulty removing a piercing and needs some help.
Kari: Where exactly is this piercing?
DM: Um, hi.
Kari: Oh, God, no.

Unfortunately this resulted in much pain from Kari trying to unscrew it and so I had to ask Doctor Jory (not Joy, remember) to do so. He decided to wait until I was sedated. Probably a wise decision.

Since I have sleep apnea, the person in charge of anesthesia (I know what they're called but I can't remember how to spell it so deal with this) thought it would be best to do a combination of sedating me and giving me something for pain instead of a "general." He offered to do a nerve blocker but I didn't think that was such a great idea. It just sounds scary.

Sedation worked well. Apparently I started singing when they put me under. This does not surprise me at all. I remember them bringing me into the surgery room and saying "Okay, Dana, it's going to be kind of chilly and bright in here" and my response was "Oh, thank God, I'm finally comfortable." I had been hot before. They've never actually had that reaction. Most people complain about the cold.

Also I apparently started coughing during the procedure and instruments shot out. This also doesn't surprise me. I mean, it's me, right? Obviously there has to be some sort of adventure involved.

The piercing was removed safely. I may scrapbook it. Because that's the kind of person I am.

I was not kept overnight, they let me go at about 5:30 because, even though my oxygen levels started dropping every time I started falling asleep (I was so damn bored!), every thing else was fine. And hello, I have sleep apnea, of course my oxygen levels fall when I am sleepy. Kari, Josh and I had a lovely dinner at Key's Café.

The only problem at all is that Wednesday night I started breaking out in hives on my neck. I took Tylenol PM which has Benadryl in it so the itching stopped shortly after that. I just have some lovely scratch marks on my neck. They are very pretty.

Patti, no, I did not go any where warm on vacation. Beth and I were going to go to Canada to take pictures of a frozen waterfall but, because it was snowing so badly on Monday, we instead decided to go to Duluth and take pictures of a frozen lake. Why? Because we are crazy. I'll be loading pictures soon. There was at one point where I thought "If I can get the picture I want, it doesn't matter if I lose my finger." You'll be happy to know that, while I didn't get the shot, I didn't lose my finger either." My mom was worried that Beth and I were taking pictures underneath a bridge because apparently that's where the homeless people hang out in Arizona. She needed to be reminded that you don't find many homeless people under the bridges in March, at least not in Duluth.

It was a great birthday. I do not feel 41. I barely feel a day over 39. Pictures soon!

Oh, since NPW asked, the "nether regions" piercing is not new. I've had it for many, many years. I don't know how many years this has been, however. Possibly 8 or 9? Kari asked me why I ever would possibly think that this piercing was a good idea and when I replied that it was supposed to increase sexual pleasure, wanted to know if this was true. And then I had to say "How would I know? It's not like I've had sex since I've had it."

Oh again. When I had to have a pre-op physical on Monday (thanks to Beth for rushing me to the doctor so I could get this done because I swear this was the first time I had heard of it), I was told I needed to give a urine sample so they could perform a pregnancy test. I know. Apparently this has to be done for legal purposes to make sure they don't accidentally do an abortion but um, if someone tells you they haven't had sex this Millennium, wouldn't you take their word for it? Sheesh.

A is for Adventure

So one of the great things about NaBloWhateverTheHellIt'sCalled was that I found a few new blogs to read. One of them is Sass Attack. Her name is Laurel and she's from Minnesota originally but now lives in New York. And she is funny and sweet and smart (but what do you expect from a Minnesotan? I mean, really, isn't it obvious?) so I've been enjoying this. Anyway, for NaBloThingNoOneCanPronounce, she came up with the Encyclopedia of Sass and I've enjoyed reading it. I especially loved her latest post - Y is for Young Love (although I almost typed Lounge. Not sure why).

And as we all know, if I enjoy something, I will gleefully steal the idea (but hey, not plagiarism if you credit your sources!) and post it myself. Since I'd like to write more, this is the perfect thing for me to work on doing just that.

Anyway, for our first entry in the Encyclopedia of Dana Marie, I bring you

A is for Adventure

I was talking to Beth last weekend about a song that we're both not very fond of. And, oddly enough, I can't remember what the song is. As we all know, Beth will comment sometime in the future and tell me what the song is. But for now, all you need to know is that it is kind of a remake of another song and it's about some guy who got killed, quite possibly because he was an idiot. And it may or may not have had something to do with drugs or gang warfare.

B: I hate this song.
DM: So do I. I think I first heard this song when I went to prison.
B: ... What?
DM: Didn't I ever tell you about that?
B: Uh, no. I think I would remember this.

So anyway, back, a really, really, really long time ago, I worked at a different bank, the bank I refer to as the Dark Side Bank. I worked with bonds (as opposed to stock now - funny how I ended up in the same industry, just on the different side). There was this woman that I worked with and we became friends.

As a friend, I was open for doing lots of fun stuff, including but not limited to, going to meet her father, step-mother and her half sisters, watching her daughter while she got a hair cut (this didn't work out well since the child decided to stick Tacy's (fake name) keys into an outlet when I glanced away for a moment (okay, yes, I was trying to read. Toddlers don't appreciate this!)) and last but not least, going to prison with her.

And no, I do not have a secret life of crime.

Tacy knew this guy that was in prison. I don't remember why. He did something stupid, which is, let's face it, what most people end up in prison for. Because breaking the law is wrong! Anyway, they had been communicating with each other and he wanted her to come visit him. Since this was a pretty long drive (about an hour and a half to two hours, it was near Hinckley (which is on the way to Duluth and no, I don't know how many miles that is)), Tacy asked if I would like to go with her. I am always in the mood for a road trip so sure.

We drove up there, laughing and singing along with the radio, talking, etc. It was a lot of fun. She would go inside for visiting hours and I would wait in the car, listening to the radio and reading. This may not sound like a lot of fun to you but I enjoyed it. My rule of thumb ever since I was very young was "Always have a book. If you have a book, you will never be bored." I can wait for hours for people if I am reading.

This came in handy one day when there was a lockdown at the prison. Apparently lockdowns were never scheduled and could take place at any time. I think this was a drill or something, not because someone had escaped. Everyone had to stay where they were so Tacy's hour of visiting turned into three hours. This wasn't exactly a problem except for the fact that I was wearing a sleeveless shirt, the window was down and my right arm became very, very burnt. I don't tan unless I burn and I had the weirdest farmer's tan for the entire summer. Plus it was incredibly gross with the peeling and all.

I eventually started overheating and wandered into the lobby where I struck up a conversation with the hottest prison guard ever (think Ving Rhames, big, black, bald and beautiful. Yummy) and he told me I could certainly wait in the lobby in the future. Which, hello, unlimited reading and air conditioning? I am all over that. Plus, he was a huge flirt so it was fun.

Then Tacy told Prison Boy about what had happened and he suggested that I start visiting with his friend or cell mate or random guy that was lonely. No biggie. I've corresponded with men in prison before. I thought of them as pen pals. They, unfortunately, usually started telling me about how we were going to have a wonderful life together when they finally got out of prison. Um, no. First of all, I am okay with the fact that people make mistakes and they pay the consequences for the mistakes but no, I am not going to date you. I do not know you. You are in prison. The only thing I know about you is what you have told me about yourself. Something tells me that you might be inclined to lie. Second of all, I don't date men who refer to me as woman and start telling me what to do.

Anyway, it was decided that sure, I would visit Prison Boy's friend. I filled out the application and presented it to Hot Security Guard. He, in turn, let me watch the video that probably wasn't titled "Why you should not be really, really, really stupid and smuggle drugs into a prison" but should have been. And this video was about (guess!) really, really, really stupid people who decided to smuggle drugs into prison. And it was divided up between the really, really stupid women and then the men who talked them into it.

One of the women put the drugs in her child's diaper. In the diaper! And then she was arrested in the prison and hey, surprise! She lost her kids! How did you think this would not happen?

Another woman talked about how the guy told her how much he loved her and how great this would be because he would get money and then they could be together, blah de blah blah. The very next scene is this guy who says "Yeah, I just tell them that I love them and they're stupid."
As I am watching this movie, I keep looking over at Hot Security Guard and saying "How? How can these people be so stupid? Don't they realize that this is against the law?" And he would laugh at me because, yes, I am somewhat naive and believe that people obey the law because it is a law and they should know better and what the hell were they thinking?*

*This, of course, was long after my rebellious, shop-lifting, drug using time. I have been bad.

Anyway, the time came when I had passed all the hoops with flying colors and was able to meet Prison Boy's Friend (or PBF, I guess we'll call him).

DM: Hi. I'm Dana.
PBF: I'm Prison Boy's Friend.

He smiles at me.

He is missing teeth. There is no chance of romance between us ever. He has a horrible gap/snaggly tooth and a mullet (while looks are not important to me, you should know that a mullet is not attractive. If you can't figure that out, well, dude, c'mon). Not gonna happen. Plus, he has terrible grammar and cannot spell. No sense of humor. Oh, and did I mention he was in prison? I may not have very high standards but I do have some.

Shortly after I met PBF, Prison Boy was released. He had told Tacy all the time she was coming up there how much he cared about her and loved her and wouldn't it be great when they were together? Oddly enough, he seemed to forget this when the time came for him to pay her back for some of the money she had lent to him. Or, you know, when he had the choice to sleep with another woman (or three).

I don't know what happened to PBF. I tried exchanging letters with him. I even gave him my phone call so he could call me on occasion. Then he started talking about our future relationship and how he would move in with me and life would be awesome. I stopped answering the phone and responding to his letters. I realize this was somewhat passive-aggressive but, hello, what part of "We will never be anything more than friends" did he not get?

Tacy and I drifted apart. I think some of it came from the fact that I just didn't get what she saw in Prison Boy or why she stuck by him for so long. Do I miss her? Not often. But when I think of her, I think of two women listening to the radio on a Spring day, singing at the top of their lungs, stopping at garage sales and craft shows and having a great time on an adventure. Not the most exciting adventure, perhaps, but how many times have you had the chance to go to prison?

I love my job

I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.
I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.
I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.
I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.

I am not overwhelmed and pulling my hair out by the roots. Really. No, really. Cutting my bangs (again) doesn't count. And yes, I did use a mirror this time. Unfortunately, if you are leaning over the desk to look in the mirror, it means that your bangs do not get cut evenly at eyebrow level. Try jagged and about 1-2 inches above eyebrow level. Matt (old boss) suggested that perhaps I should have learned my lesson the last time I did this. Apparently I did not. Right now my hand is inching towards the scissors so I can just cut the back so I don't look like I have a mullet anymore. But I'm really afraid of what would happen. Maybe if I just put it in a pony tail and I'll forget it is there, thwarting me. Or maybe I could just cut off the pony tail...hmm.

I think my hair needs an intervention. And, oops. The hands won. It's a lot shorter in the back now. Keem is going to kill me.

But really, I love my job. I do.*

*Yes, I really do but co-worker Jessica just told me that she's going to be out of the office from end of day on Wednesday until December 7th! Oh my God. I'm in charge of everything!!!!!! GAH! Where the heck is my inhaler??? Or a paper bag?

Yesterday I was overwhelmed, today I am sick

Well, I have learned something today. I learned that I accidentally doubled my dosage of glusophage and I was taking 4000 MG instead of the 2000 MG I was supposed to take. Also, I thought, hey, maybe I should check the side effects of this stuff because I haven't been feeling well lately.

Side effects:

Low blood sugar (um, isn't that what I'm trying to go for?). Signs include anger, shaking, fast heartbeat, confusion or sweating - well, other than the sweating, this doesn't seem to be a problem.
Belly pain - check (although it rather feels like someone is trying to cut my stomach out with a very dull spoon)
Nausea or vomiting - Nausea, yes. Vomiting, thank the good Lord no.
Diarrhea - check (lucky, lucky me! This is fun! Everyone wants this!!! Oh, wait, no, they really don't)
Not hungry (please. I wish).
Metallic taste (no, but I usually associate the metallic taste with blood and fortunately I don't have any of that in my mouth).

I really want to go home. Just so you know. I have figured that most of this didn't start until I, like the big idiot that I am, started doubling the dosage (and that was only because the pills I had before were 500 MG and Deb suggested I take 1000 MG. Do not ask me why I thought that the big pills and the little pills were the same size. I do not understand it either). So hopefully this means that going to the correct dosage will alleviate my symptoms. Hopefully.

Oh and someone just told me that our insurance company has decided to stop covering Effexor. They'll only cover generics. There is no generic for Effexor. So I can either work with my doctor to find some happy pill substitutes or I can start paying full price. That doesn't suck at all.

Anyway, to stop complaining, I want to mention the meme from yesterday is still continuing.

Oh, Udge is doing this and I am all about peer pressure and giving things to people so
the first five commenters to sign up for the meme here and post the same promise on their blogs will receive a small present-like thing from me. It will help jumpstart the holiday spirit for me. You will have to provide me with your real name and address but please keep in mind that I don't drive and so probably would not be able to stalk you. Unless I am able to convince the Greyhound bus driver to circle around your house obsessively. I think that's unlikely. I have
no idea what the small present-like thing will be but I must warn you, there is the chance you could receive a monkey sitting in a chair. I can be very strange. Just ask Beth.

Leave me a comment. And you know, I think I'm okay if you've already done this with someone else. I like to give presents.

Oh, and if you are wondering just exactly a monkey sitting in a chair looks like, click here. I maintain that it was a highly creative, non-boring gift. Beth maintains that I obviously go shopping while indulging in lots and lots of crack.*

*Beth has never said this. I like to exaggerate. I know you are all shocked at this.

Isn't there a curse about this?

I'm pretty sure there is an ancient Chinese curse that says "May you live in Interesting Times." Sheesh, I don't know who I ticked off lately but back off, already.


This was my weekend. In bullet points, because that just makes everything more exciting.

• Keem decides to leave me and head home to La Crosse for the weekend (it might be Lacrosse but I can never remember correctly). We had been talking about going to the Ren Fest but hey, no big. Maybe I'll call Beth and see if she wants to scrapbook Saturday night.


• Or not. Maybe instead I will break out in hives again. I think I might have grabbed a shirt that wasn't rewashed or maybe someone hates me. Fortunately I did take a Benadryl right away (bless you, makers of Benadryl) and the hives were stopped in their tracks. The itching wasn't but I didn't end up covered in big red and white blotches. I did learn an important fact. If you start bleeding, you are scratching too hard.


• I spent the evening eating a huge Caesar salad w/chicken breast from Quizno's (and yes, I do know that Caesar dressing is terribly fattening and not really good for you but I don't care. Their dressing is quite possibly the best dressing ever. It is peppercorn flavored crack. I would inhale it if, you know, it wasn't a liquid and would cause me to start choking) and playing Age of Empires III. When I wasn't watching the Burn Notice marathon on USA and wondering who is cuter, Michael who is played by some guy I don't know or Sam who is played by Bruce Campbell. Mmm, Bruce Campbell. Ahoy indeed (Old Spice commercial reference to those who think I may have gone insane). Oh and petting the cat and telling him that I'm sorry that Keem has abandoned him but Life will go on. He is not convinced.


• Saturday. Not so much itchy but feeling sick to my stomach, sniffly, coughing. Cancel the thought of going scrapbooking.


• You know what would be good at 8:45 PM? Parsnips! Parsnips sliced thinly and sauteed in a little butter. Yummy.


• Did I just hear a knock at the door?


• Yes, I did. Do I know this woman (as I peer out the peep hole)? I don't think I do but she just waved so maybe I do. I will open the door.


• Okay, don't know her. She is a low talker so I can't understand a single thing she is saying except "boyfriend" and "hiding." Is her boyfriend abusive? She needs a place to hide? I'm not sure I feel comfortable with this.


• Hey! Wait a second! I didn't invite you in. You can't just walk in! This is against all the rules! Well, you're not a vampire, at least.


• The next 15-20 minutes are spent figuring out that no, actually, she's not hiding from her boyfriend. She's hiding from the police! I am harboring a fugitive! Oh my GOD! Grab large knife to chop parsnips with. Stay in kitchen with hot saucepan and knife where I can beat the heck out of her if needed. She wanders around and talks about how she was a cheerleader at South Saint Paul High, her life took a downward spiral after her husband tried to kill her and suceeded in killing himself, her name is Gina, her boyfriend is 54 to her 32. She doesn't know how to sit properly in a chair and manages to fall out of it and knock it over. Eddy doesn't like her and takes off. She makes a few phone calls and then cries a lot after she talks to her mom.


• Okay, enough is enough. Get out. I tell her I am expecting someone to come over and need to start getting ready. You have to leave.


• She's gone. Parsnips are done. Eat parsnips.


• Don't call cops or building security because, hello, that would make sense.


• Go back and play Age of Empires. Die, you British scum! Die! You can't make me tell you where the Fountain of Youth is!


• Sunday. Eat more parsnips. Talk to Kari. Talk to Keem. Talk to my Mom. All are stunned that I didn't report crazy lady. Get lectured. Keem is on her way home. Yay!


• Keem is home. Lecture, lecture, lecture. Lecture. Lecture, lecture, lecture. Don't let strange people into the house, Dana. Got it.


• Don't feel good. Really don't feel good. What's wrong? Dizzy. Headachy. Nauseated. I'd check to see what my blood sugar level is but guess what? I forgot my monitor at work. I am an idiot.
• Call Beth. Can't go out. Really don't feel good. Is it a cold? I don't know.
• Eat something (turkey burgers with carrots). Feel somewhat better but still achey, sneezy, etc. Keem tells me I am probably getting sick combined with possible low blood sugar and hey, if I start feeling like this again, maybe I should eat something. Yes, ma'am.
• Go to bed. Sleep.

That was my weekend. Odd. Weird. Somewhat frightening at one point. Hope yours was less eventful OR was eventful in a good way.

And I called the apartment office and reported Crazy Lady. Apparently she has a habit of this. She doesn't live in the building but her boyfriend does. He's being evicted for reasons just like this, as Marcia put it "His life has taken a chemical turn." Hmm, can you say drugs? I can! And Marcia was on her way to go to court to get him out because he's fighting the eviction. AND! Get this. He lives on the 24th floor! What was she doing on my floor? Weirdness!

I've decided on a new category to explain stuff like this. Risky Business, one of the only movies I liked Tom Cruise in, has one of my favorite quotes. Miles, the guy who also played Booger in the Revenge of the Nerds movies, is freaking out just a tad about their adventure. Miles is also the guy who advises Tom Cruise's character that sometimes you just have to say What the F*ck. So this quote really sums up some of the things that happen to me. "I don't believe this! I've got a trig midterm tomorrow, and I'm being chased by Guido the killer pimp."

Let's recap, shall we? Or Learning Experience 2

Let's talk about my week. It's been fun and exciting, let me tell you.

• Sunday. Started coughing ferociously in an attempt to either a) remove my lungs of all fluid and imagined fluid (there was drainage from my nose but not enough to make coughing comfortable (not that coughing ever is really comfortable but there's a big difference between a dry cough and a productive cough. Dry coughs hurt more)) or b) my body decided it no longer liked me and was attempting to shake me to death.
• Also on Sunday/Monday. Reached into my purse to pull out my keys and discovered that my keys and other key (hee. pardon the pun) items were now floating in Apricot syrup. Which is quite yummy but not a good substance to be coating your cell phone and camera and wallet. Fortunately, after much cursing and scrubbing, everything seems to be back to normal (well, other than the purse and any loose bits of paper. oh, and my brush. And the cheap piece of crap amplifier that I bought in an attempt to hear better. 15 bucks and all I got for my trouble was a headache. Sure, it made everything louder but that does not help you much in a bar), albeit a bit sticky still.
• Tuesday. Found out that I did not get either of the jobs I was incredibly excited about. The reasoning was that there were two people that were more qualified and I can't argue with that. The announcement email that was sent out listed the qualifications and I was impressed.
• Tuesday. Somehow I got a paper cut on my lip. How does this happen? Fortunately no one was throwing flaming lemons at me (long story. Maybe Beth will post about it).
• Wednesday. Did not get the MATH job. Didn't care. Really glad that they "chose someone whose experience is more suited to the position." Woo-hoo! Don't have to turn it down. Yay!
• Thursday. While at work, the area right between the underarm and my back starts itching. On both sides. What the heck is going on? Why am I so itchy? Argh! Fortunately dear sweet Co-worker Jackie comes to my rescue.
• Thursday night. At the Chalet. Itch. Itch. Itch. Itchy meets Scratchy. Large reddish blotches start appearing on my skin. What are these? Can it be? Yes, it can. Yay! I have hives! Wow. This is so awesome.
• Still Thursday night. Trying to scratch off all of my skin. Liz asks me if I've changed anything lately.

DM: Ah, yeah. I started using a new laundry detergent.
Liz: I was wondering if that was it. What kind of detergent?
DM: I don’t know. It was $2.50.
Liz: How big of a bottle?
DM: 32 loads of laundry.
Liz: Well, that would do it. $2.50 for 32 loads? What are you allergic to?
DM: Penicillin. Biaxin. Mold. The smell of paint. Apparently cheap laundry detergent.
Liz: Oh, yeah, you’re going to have to wash everything. Your sheets, clothes…
DM: I didn’t wash my sheets this time.
Liz: Oh, good. You can fashion yourself a toga.

Yes, I’m sure that my co-workers would love the sight of me in a toga made of brown sheets with little pink flowers (I love the colors brown and pink together. A few weeks ago, I bought pencils that are brown with little pink skulls. Don’t ask me why. I can’t explain these things) all over them.

Liz also caught me using the bar top to itch my hand.

Liz: Stop itching. Stop it. You'll just make it worse. You're like a cat! We'll buy you one of those cat scratchers.

Beth also caught me using her car door to itch my back.

Somehow I woke up Keem when I got home. Or Eddy did with his excessive need to meow at everything and everyone. Oh, and his need to get into the linen closet at 3 in the morning. The cat's a dork.

DM: Keem! Keem! I am itchy.
K: You're always itchy.
DM: Guess what happened to me. Guess.
K: What now?
DM: Apparently I am allergic to my laundry detergent.
K: You're kidding.
DM: No. Come see. I have hives. I have one the size of a quarter on my leg.
K: Yes, you sure do. And three on your knee.
DM: ARGH!!!!!!

I try to remove all skin from my body.

DM: Why me? Why?
K (trying very hard not to laugh. Failing): I'm sorry. Poor Dana. Well, I'm going back to bed.
DM: No! Itchy! Itchy back! Can't reach! Keem!
K: Keem is tired.
DM: But Keem! Itchy!
K: Poor Itchy Dana. Fine. This is going to be quick.
DM: Ah! Scratch harder! Rip the skin off!
K: Go to bed, you dork.

Thanks to Beth stopping at SA so I could buy Benadryl and the Aveeno ointment Keem gave me, I am less itchy today. I'm rather swollen and red in places but I am armed with a back scratcher, ointment and also my CO Bigelow Witch Hazel skin tonic that oddly seems to help. I'm going to La Crosse this weekend with Keem and I'll be spending some time in the basement rewashing clothes so that should be fun. Not exactly how I envisioned my Labor Day weekend. How about you? What plans do you have?

Yes, yes, go ahead and laugh. I know it's funny. Only me, right?

The further misadventures of Dana

I am a dork. You know it, I know it. It's time for the entire world to know it.

Here is what I've managed to do so far this week (thankfully, it is Thursday, the week is almost over):

Throw up in my mouth (and then have to swallow it because the only place else it could go would be on the food I was carrying. The words you're looking for here is "Ew, gross." Believe me, I know).
Throw up through my nose (the burning acid reflux way).
Start falling asleep on Beth on Sunday night on the way home from karaoke (I'm sorry again, Beth).
Get left behind (not in the scary religious way or in the nice way that Sheryl encountered but by Keem when I overslept on Monday. And it's not like she hasn't warned me a hundred times before).
Almost get left behind again yesterday.
Slam the car door shut on my leg.
Get trapped in the car door with the stringy things that hang from my coat. I hate the stringy things.

I am sure that there is other stuff but I seem to have forgotten them all. Maybe I fell and hit my head.

Oh, yeah. I remembered.

Put my shirt on backwards.
Spend five minutes trying to figure out why a shirt that fit loosely before is suddenly choking me before I realized I put my shirt on backwards.
Realize I walked around like this for a good hour before I figured it out.
Spend another five minutes trying to figure out what I did with my work badge. Dig through my purse. Dig through my desk. Say to myself "Well, I know I had it this morning. I opened the door."
Realize my badge is where I put it. On my shirt. I just can't see it because I attached it to what I thought was the front of the shirt that morning.

Also, I was working on this today. Since we already discussed Scooby Doo, let's move on to Star Trek. No, I don't watch a lot of TV.

An Essay on Loving an Android

(Not Recommended)

As you may or may not know, one of my hobbies, if you will, is to read transcripts of television shows I have enjoyed. I started this with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, moved on to Angel and found myself searching out transcripts for CSI:, Lost and others. Recently I have been working my way through Star Trek: The Next Generation (or Star Trek: TNG as I like to refer to it) scripts.

My favorite Next Gen character has always been Data. I am fond of Worf, had a minor crush on Wesley and Barclay always amused me. But there is just something about Data.

I have mentioned before that, in the Star Trek universe, the character that I have the most affinity with is Captain Kirk. I even did a test once to prove it. We are both open to adventure, likely to jump into a new situation whole-heartedly (even before making sure that that exciting new planet has oxygen). I have made it clear that Spock is my least favorite character. The man is too logical and harshes buzzes.

So what is it about Data? He’s logical, has no emotion, is constantly spouting off facts and figures about why you shouldn’t do something. Why do I like him so much? And the answer is simple. Data wants to be able to feel. He wants to have emotion. He tries.

Today I finished reading one of my favorite episodes – In Theory. It took place in the 4th Season. An ensign, Jenna, decides to make a pass at Data. They start a relationship. He modifies his programming to be able to maintain a romantic relationship.

But it is doomed, of course. He is incapable of feeling. So while he is able to go through the motions, he doesn’t understand the whole point behind it.

One of the most touching scenes in the episode is when Jenna realizes that this will never work out. She tells him that she has learned from this, she got out of one relationship with an unemotional man to fall for a man incapable of emotion. Data says to her, as she is leaving his quarters “Jenna. Are we no longer...a couple?”

When she replies in the affirmative, he says “Then I will delete the appropriate program.”

Reading the episode brought some truths close to home for me. Jenna is a little flighty, not exactly neat, artistic and a lot like me. Data is logical, smart and very much like James. I have gone and made the same mistake Jenna did. I fell in love with an android.

So what do I do? Do I continue to pine after him, hoping that the day will come when he will insert an emotion chip and realize that I’ve always been the perfect one for him? Or do I, like Jenna, come to my senses and realize it will never happen? That it is better to just enjoy his friendship and forget about anything romantic?

I’m leaning towards the latter. And I’ll probably be able to keep this opinion. At least until I see him tonight.