202-09 – A Karaoke Tale

January 9th was Sunday. To some, this means a time to go back to church and pray. To myself, this means a time to go back to The Chalet and karaoke (You do realize that “Who Will Save Your Soul” by Jewel is now going through my head, right? I’m not really sure why I started this post out like this but hey, let’s just run with it, okay?).

Beth and I were hungry and decided to stop at McDonald’s before going to karaoke. So we got to The Chalet a little later than usual. Not that much, maybe about twenty minutes or so, but I have to tell you, it was certainly nice to walk up to the bar and have Bobby say “I didn’t think you guys were going to be here tonight.” And our table was still open. It’s like there is a magical force field around it and, even though The Chalet was busier than it’s been in awhile, no one touched our table. I finally got the whole Cheers song philosophy about “everyone knows your name.”

Anyway, here’s our evening in categories:

I Almost Break My New Year’s Resolution

After we got there, Michael and B2 from the previous week was there. They joined us at our table, along with some guy named JT (fake name but not a very good one).

JT discovered my karaoke list. We have a system with Bryan. Instead of writing out slips of paper and turning them in (and wasting tons of paper), we have a list of all the songs we sing. I keep re-writing mine and so I have several slips of paper, which I am eventually going to put on an Excel spreadsheet. He noticed 202-09, People Are Strange (you were wondering where I got the title from, weren’t you?) and started asking me to sing it. What I do with my list is go through the book and pick out songs I will sing and also songs I’d like to try in the future. When it’s a slow night, we call that “New Song Sunday” and try to sing new songs. People Are Strange is on there just for nights like that. I have not yet got up the nerve to try it.

But JT would not take no for an answer. JT was getting increasingly drunk and kept touching me. He would grab my shoulder or rub my back or touch my hand. He would lean into me and say “Please sing People Are Strange? Please?” Then he would start singing. Then there would be more touching and some leaning and some more singing into my neck. And there was the beer. He was drinking and at one point I looked down at his hand and there were beer droplets all over it. It was gross. He smelled of beer and it completely turned my stomach every time he spoke to me. Yuck.

At one point, Beth looks at her glass, realizes that it is empty and hands it to me, eyes wide, goofy smile in place. “Me have Cokee!” I, of course, have to write this down because I know I will be blogging about it. When I come back, Cokee is crossed out and she has written “Cokee should be Cokey in Bethspeak. I read it in a book. I’m sure of it.” I was not sure what she meant by this until JT had walked away and she told me she had been talking about him.

Apparently, JT had been going on about Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin and how Jim wanted to have sex with Janis and tried to rape her and when she wouldn’t respond to his affections, he tried to hit her over the head with a beer bottle. Then he said “I know it’s true. I read it in a book. I’m sure of it” or something like that. I had been ignoring him because he really irritated me.

Towards the end of the evening, when JT is just about passed out into his beer and slurring everything he says, he wanders off.

DM: If he touches me again, I’m going to kill him.
Beth: No! Remember your New Year’s Resolution!
DM: Dammit!

Foiled! How sad is it that it’s barely two weeks in to the New Year and I’ve already wanted to break this Resolution twice?

JT starts on the People Are Strange kick again. “Please sing it, please.” Except it sounds more like “Pluheeez? Polleece? Pepeople strange?” because he is slurring so badly. Then he spits on my elbow. I’m pretty sure that was an accident but it was still gross. Beth, trying to protect me (she has said she would miss me if I went to prision for murder), leaps to my defense.

JT: Sing it? Sing sing it!
Beth: NO! (Gives him a stern look) You should stop asking her.
JT: But I really want her to sing it. I’ll go up there with her.
Beth: She doesn’t want to sing it.
DM: I’ve never sung it before. I’m saving it for a slow night.
JT: But there’s no one here!

Beth and I look around the bar. It is packed.

DM: No.
JT: C’mon. I’ll go up there with you.
Beth: She doesn’t want to sing it. YOU go sing it.
JT: I’m not getting up there. I won’t sing in front of people.
Beth: But there’s no one here!

He pretty much leaves me alone after that. Which is just lucky for him.

This is your Beth. This is your Beth on drugs. Any questions?

Michael and Bryan asked Beth about how her surgery went and we talked about how she was on pain killers. It was very interesting to experience karaoke with her completely random comments. Here are some Bethisms from the night.

There was a squeal of feedback from the microphone. Beth winces in pain. I am worried that it caused pain to her tooth in some way. She says “Oh, that hurt my soul.” This caused a lot of laughter and perhaps you just had to be there but the consenus of the table was that she was just so cute.

Later on, I hear this from her. “His shirt is shiny!” I turn and, in the back of the bar, there is a guy dressed in a shirt that really is shiny. It sears my eyes with it’s shininess. He is also wearing a black wig that is disheveled and a pair of sunglasses. He and 3 girls are cavorting, pretending to dance. He grabs a chair and holds it up. His pose is vaguely familiar. And then, right as he cries out “I’m a lion tamer!” I realize what he’s trying to imitate.

Shiny Guy (SG) is called up by Bryan to sing. The name given is Tom Bon Jovi. Hmm. This should be interesting. The 3 girls follow him up to the stage and pretend to be his groupies. He is singing “You Give Love A Bad Name” by Bon Jovi. He hops around the stage, acting out the lyrics, giving the occasional Elvis the Pelvis gyration. It is fairly entertaining. When he is done and is walking away, we hear the following from Bryan.

“The hair…a wig.
The shirt…pajamas.
The drug…Crystal Meth. Or so I’m guessing.”

She is staring off over my shoulder.

“Trippoli,” she says. Huh? A few minutes go by.

“Trippoli,” she says again. Now I’m a bit concerned. I know she’s on pain killers but that’s just a bit more random than I expect.

“Trippoli. Watch this.” I turn around in time to see two bowling balls rolling down the lane at the same time, smashing into pins. Ah. A light bulb goes off over my head. This makes more sense.

“So you were saying ‘trick bowling,’ not ‘Trippoli?’”

At one point, she looks me straight in the eyes and says “Did you hear the people making Twinkies are going bankrupt?” There is a brief pause (as I try to think of something to say other than “Eww, Twinkies”). “And they don’t want to.” I cannot help but start laughing over this because I am not sure of many companies plan on going bankrupt.

What Constitutes Manliness

I live in Minnesota. Minnesota has a football team called the Minnesota Vikings. This name, in case you’re wondering, has something to do with the fact that Minnesota was discovered by Vikings (I think) and the majority of us are Scandinavian and really like the cold. Our immediate rivals are the Green Bay Packers. Last Sunday was a playoff game against Green Bay and we won. I was a bit surprised by that but hey, they’re my team. Got to be a little excited. Not as excited as one of the Vikings fan who thought it would be appropriate to grab the hat off of a Green Bay fan and scribble black marker over it.

This ended up being this long, drunken discussion between the GB fan and the Viking fan about respect for one another’s property. At one point, we thought that there would be a fight. Beth, realizing that they were still going on about the stupid hat, had this gem for us.

Beth: Dude. This is the longest, stupidest conversation ever (or stupidest, longest conversation). You could talk about flowers. Or cars. ‘Cause that’s manly.”

Apparently, in Beth’s drug-addled mind, flowers or cars are much more manly than football. This was also evidenced when, for no reason, she suddenly gave the golf clap and said, in a very monotone voice “Yay, football.” Again, we all burst out laughing.

The Devil Went Up to Minnesota, He Was Looking For A Woman

I came back after having a conversation with Bobby. Oh, what the heck, let’s detail it for prosperity.

DM: Can Beth’s pop not have a straw?
Bobby (laughs): I suppose.
DM: She’s not allowed. And I’m afraid she’ll poke her eye out.

You’ll also be pleased to know that I complimented him on his haircut without making a complete fool out of myself. I had been worried about this the last time. Of course, he was pouring water at the time.

Anyway, after the conversation, I come back and Beth has written the following.

What Beth wrote: There’s a guy in a green jacket at the bar. He told this woman, “I’m the anti-Christ on a mission to have sex with every woman.” She replies, “I guess you’re not going to accomplish your mission.”

Why would that be a good pickup line? Even, “You look like you’d know where the nearest correctional facility is,” is a better line.

My personal favorite though, “Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?”

Anyway, that was our Sunday. Sorry that it took so long for me to post. It’s been crazy at work lately!

Hope everyone has been well. Thanks for reading!

Previous Comments:

At 8:00 PM, Matt said...
Why? Why did I have to be sick? Damnit damnit damnit! I missed a good sunday again, DAMNIT!!!!!!!! I have to know, did you moan out loud as you were talking to Bobby watching him pour the water? Please tell me that you did, please, please!!!! I can just imagine it, trying to talk and moan at the same time, brilliant!"I'm the Anti-Christ and I am on a mission to have sex with as many woamn as I can".......I also liked your pickup l ine, but I still think that one of my favorite pick up lines I have ever heard was this:"Your parents must be retarded cause you sure are special."I wish I could have seen this display, I really do. However I am glad that I was there the night that the man had decided to hump the speaker and pull his shirt up over his head while on stage, that was good. I will see you later tongiht when I decide to brave the cold and meet you guys for Queen Time.Just so you know Dana, I love you, you are so cool!Later,Matt
At 2:26 PM, brooksba said...
DM,Great post (a long time coming, nag, nag, nag)! This was a fun night, but certainly full of material. Oh my. It may forever be known as the "Night of the Crazies" at karaoke. You didn't mention the woman and the man who seemed to enjoy Bryan's singing a little too much. I thought that was pretty funny.Beth