Thursday, September 07, 2006

Conspiracy Theory - Updated to ramble about other stuff

Okay. Sometimes I say things that, well, make other people think that I am insane. But I am not. Not really insane like stabbing people to frame my younger sister for murder because my husband raped her and therefore it is all her fault that I had to kill these people and also my husband (Keem watches "As The World Turns" and I have managed to get somewhat sucked into it) or murdering people in the shower while dressed as my mother ("Psycho" (which I have never actually seen but know the entire plot to and, quite frankly, black and white scary movies are terrifying. They seem extra suspenseful)) or even murdering young women with "afflictions" because they are imperfect and I can't bear to see imperfections ("The Spiral Staircase" (another black and white movie that freaked me out for days after seeing it)). No, I'm not really insane. No, no, seriously, I'm not. Why are you backing away like that? Why?

Anyway, there's this movie that I am somewhat fond of, even though I don't think Julia Roberts is a good actress and it could have been so much better without her but hey, what do I know? I'm not a big Hollywood producer who thinks that Julia Roberts is completely wonderful (I'll stop now but don't ever get me started on Helen Hunt (I hate her)). This movie is called "Conspiracy Theory." Beth likes to have me watch movies I've never seen before and she had me watch this and I was glad because I really, really like it and have a tendency to quote from it (or freak out when I see black helicopters but that's another story (I also think one of the reasons that I always buy "The Stand" whenever I see a copy of it at a garage sale or thrift shop is because there's a very good chance that I was programmed to be an assassin by the government and they are watching me and this is how they keep track of me (okay, I really don't think that but I have at least 5 copies of "The Stand" now and, while it is a great book, that's fairly excessive))).

Um, I was writing this to prove that I wasn't insane. How's that working out? Not well? Yeah. Let's try this. This will prove I am not insane.

Okay. I hate tomatoes. I think they are evil and wrong and I am quite sure that they are responsibile for the deaths of kittens and puppies and rainbows and everything good in life. They are too red and too smushy and too disgusting. Once, when I worked for a small Mexican restaurant, I had to cut tomatoes. To get me through this, I would take a largish tomato, carve a face in it (jack o'lantern tomato) and prop it up on an overturned sour cream container. And then I would chop the tomatoes with great pleasure because I was sacrificing them to their tomato god and that was fun.

So Tuesday I go to work and I decide to order lunch and I think "Hmm. I am craving a JJBLT from Jimmy John's. I think I will order from them." And I do this. I call and place my order.

Guy from Jimmy John's (GFJJ): So that's extra bacon?
DM: Yes (thinking "Mmm. Bacon."). And I'd like cheese on that.
GFJJ: Cheese?
DM: Yes (thinking "Mmm. Cheese."). And no tomatoes.
GFJJ: No tomatoes?
DM: Tomatoes are evil.
GFJJ (in that tone that says "You are a freak."): Okay.

Some time goes by, I receive my sub (and pickle! Life is always better if there is a pickle) from the incredibly hot Jimmy John's driver (Mmm. Hot Jimmy John's driver). I open the wrapper. My sandwich is exposed in all of it's glory. Except, except...what is this? What is this red stuff? Ewww. There are tomatoes! Yuck. I can pick off the tomatoes but there are still tomato seeds and those are just gross.

DM: What part of 'Tomatoes are evil' did he not understand?
Co-worker John: Laughs.

Co-worker John laughs at me a lot. But that is okay. He is very nice and just had a new baby (which makes me cry when I look at the pictures of his baby (not sure why because I am not a baby person but she is very cute and adorable)) and he has a very dry sense of humor. I was telling Beth it is like he is the male version of her. He is that cool.

Yesterday I ordered from Jimmy John's again. I ordered the same sandwich (well, Keem actually placed the order but she knows how I feel about tomatoes) with the same requests. And I received my sandwich but unfortunately it was not the hot Jimmy John's driver who delivered it. And I opened my sandwich and yay, I did not behold any tomatoes.

I enjoyed my sandwich greatly, each yummy bite of bacon and mayonaise and provolone cheese (which normally I hate but it is awesome with bacon) and lettuce and really good bread. And then I got to the last little portion of the sandwich which is both exciting and depressing to eat. Exciting because the end of the sandwich has more crust on the bread and I like that and depressing because the sandwich is almost over and then you will have no more yummy goodness. Except you still have the pickle. Let's not forget about the pickle. Which you save for last. Because that is awesome. Like the plums, man.

And then my tooth sliced through something other than bacon or lettuce or really good bread. It was soft and smushy. My brain said "Huh? What's that?" And then my tastebuds started tasting the soft and smushy item and my brain screamed in agony "It's a tomato! Oh my GOD! There's a tomato on my sandwich! I ate a tomato!"

And I said, after spitting out tomato remains, the following:

DM: There was a tomato on my sandwich.
Co-worker John: There was?
DM: Yes. And they hid it. There is obviously a tomato conspiracy.
Co-worker John: What?
DM: I looked at the sandwich. There were no tomatoes. It was hiding in the lettuce. They did this deliberately to torture me.
Co-worker John: You are a freak.

He probably didn't tell me I was a freak but I am sure that is what he was thinking.

Today I read Udge's post about disappointment and I laughed and nodded because I knew exactly what he meant. Disappointment for me is biting into a perfect sandwich and finding a tomato. No matter what I did, the rest of that sandwich is ruined.

I also gave Jimmy John's another chance. I ordered today. The sandwich arrived (again, not by hot Jimmy John's driver, dang it, but I did get my fix later when he made another delivery). I opened it. I scoured it for tomatoes but there was nary a tomato seed. And I ate the sandwich and it was good.

And this, my dears, is why I am not insane. And why you should really go read Udge's post (because it is damn funny and I know funny. I love funny. I would marry funny if I could).

Oh and just because I'm counting down until 2008:

You Are a Liberal for Life
You've got a bleeding heart - and you're proud of it.For you, liberal means being compassionate, pro-government, and anti-business.You believe in equality for every person, and you consider yourself universally empathetic.Helping others is not just political for you ... it's very personal too.

Should I be able to recognize that guy? I'm going to be really embarrassed that I don't know him, aren't I?

And also, if you go here, you will find a post by Holly Burns from Nothing But Bonfires about Vietnamese karaoke and how she was on a boat (in Viet Nam) where she got to listen to said Vietnamese karaoke and there is even a video. Of Vietnamese karaoke. And it is pathetic but funny and makes me wish that we would have videotaped the guy that stripped to "Ghostbusters" and killed the disco ball.

And also, I went to karaoke last night and then I came home and talked to Beth in my parking ramp until 3ish and then I went upstairs and played Spider Solitaire until approximately 4:15ish but I was also petting Eddy at the same time which is good because he is rarely ever affectionate with me and then I tried to sleep but I couldn't because I kept hearing Keem's alarm which is the loudest alarm in the world and she sets it for 4:15ish and then she hits the snooze alarm every 10 minutes for about an hour so I laid there and listened and wanted to kill the alarm clock and then she took a shower and told me to get up because she wasn't going to work and then I decided to set my alarm for ten minutes from then and I hit my snooze alarm 3 times (my alarm, by the way, is my cell phone because I can't afford to buy minutes for it, it has been transformed into a handy-dandy alarm clock that doesn't work worth a damn if Keem doesn't tell me to get up first because I will sleep right through it and it only rings a few times) and then I wrapped a sheet around myself and wandered into Keem's beedroom, sorry, bedroom and said "Keem, I really want to be bad" and she said "Do you mean stay home?" and I said yes and she said "No! You are going to work" and I said fine in a sulky tone and she said "You better get moving or you are going to be late" and I said I know and she said "You can take money from my purse and my Check Card" and then I went and took the world's fastest shower and was leaving when Keem said "Do you know my PIN" and I said no and she said "1234 (not really her PIN because that would be stupid)" and I repeated "1234, 1234, 1234" as I was walking away and she said "Write it on your hand" and that made me giggle but I didn't do it and I was downstairs (with breakfast this time) in seven minutes and caught the bus and came to work and bought four cans of Mountain Dew with the money she gave me and then I told Co-workers John and Rykken and Joe that it was a 4 can Mountain Dew day and they were afraid. As they should be.

And so far today I have referred to myself as a freak twice to a broker I've been assisting on an account (once because I thought her secretary must have thought I was a freak because I called to leave a message and changed the message twice halfway through the call because I first thought I knew who she was and then it turned out it was someone else and then I called back two minutes later and said "Could you just have her call me back?" because I figured out it was someone else from the someone else I thought she was. And once because she said she was going to Kansas City for work next week and I said "Sweet. Road trip. You can scrapbook it" and she laughed at me. But it was good laughter. Not that I'm really scared of you laughter) and spent 20 minutes helping Co-worker John with stocking the Stock Transfer information accordion file (and making him laugh as I informed him that we had to put the Queen company information into the P/Q file because we didn't want the Q to feel bad (and also telling him about the plums and how they are awesome, man and he is awesome, like the plums)) and also argued with him, in front of a witness in the mail room about whether or not we should charge a woman to overnight her check to her and I said, in a most logical manner, "I don't want to charge her. I talked to her and she was nice and I liked her. So there" and then the mail room woman said "Okay, we're shipping this at our expense" and I said "Yay! I won" and John laughed at me again.

And I ordered Jimmy John's today. And there were tomatoes on the damn sub. I told you. It's a conspiracy!

Updated again - I called Jimmy John's and I talked to a manager and I told him about the tomato conspiracy and he tried very hard not to laugh at me and he offered me a free sub. So I am going to give them another chance. But I will be watching them. And Co-worker Jason overheard me and he agrees with me about the tomato conspiracy because it happened to him as well and he also agrees with me that there is a difference between eating salsa and salsa juice.

Why are all the co-workers surrounding me male? I bet that's a conspiracy as well. You would think that would keep me from babbling about James but it does not. Co-worker Rykken asked me on Tuesday if I had karaoked (it's a verb!) my heart out on Sunday and I said "No because I went to a birthday party for the most wonderful man in the world" and he said "Is that the comic book fan?" and I said "Yeah, I'm probably talking about him way too much" and he laughed. Because he laughs at me as well. They all do.