Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Things I have learned while doing laundry and Beer is Bad

This is one of the posts that I mentioned in Reading 101 takes a scary turn. Some of you have already read it. I am working on others. I promise.

  1. Wear shoes! There are hidden dangers in the laundry room. Such as the concrete slabs that the washing machines are on. Kicking concrete, even when on accident, does not do good things for your toes.
  2. Pre-treating clothing would probably work better if I pre-treat before I wash the clothes and not after they have come out of the washer and dryer. Although hey, they're ready for the next time. Right?
  3. I have way too many clothes.
  4. I should probably not wait a month to do laundry (except for the emergency load done when at Beth's two weeks ago).
  5. In retrospect, my previous theory of why do laundry when I can just buy new clothes may have contributed to number 3 and 4.
  6. Keem gets very angry when you "borrow" her socks (quote marks used because she was not actually around for the borrowing and I ran out of socks (because of number 4)).
  7. I lied about number 6. Keem does not actually know that I borrowed her socks. And we're not telling her.
  8. Posting this on the internet was probably not wise. Well, it's not like she reads my blog anyway.
  9. How did I end up washing cat food? Is Eddy hoarding food in my clothes? Perhaps I should stop throwing them on the floor and use the laundry basket.
  10. Keem probably has a good idea with this whole seperating the clothes into different colors. I'm pretty sure that a lot of these socks used to be white at one time.

Thursday night was karaoke. Remember when I said I was never drinking again? Remember? Yeah, once again, I lied. I am weak. What can I say? Other than that I am weak and I already said that.

Remember my 2nd husband from the night of drunkeness? His name is Mark and he and Amy struck up a conversation on that night and have gone out twice. The first time was on Saturday when he met her at Perkins when she was babysitting her pastor's children and sat there and let the teenage girls grill him and was fine with it. And last night, he was there with her and they are so cute together that I am very happy that I got drunk and told him that he was going to be my 2nd husband so that she started talking to him. And when he came in, he saw me and said "Hello, my wife." It was very nice. I think he will fit in well with our group.

I love having male friends but sometimes I forget that they think nothing of embarrassing you. For example, Beth and I walked into the Chalet last night and Steve (Angie's boyfriend Steve) was there which was very exciting and I was all "Yay! It is Steve!" and he said "Hey, Dana. I hear you swallow."

And men? They also like to talk about disgusting things. Such as eating minnows and leeches and then Angie started gagging and I was covering my ears and saying "Lalalalala" (which, for the record, only makes them talk louder) and, just as I decided that yes, I was going to do my makeup, Steve mentioned that the only thing that ever made him gag was the scene in Van Wilder where Van decides to get back at the really mean guy by serving his dorm eclairs. Unfortunately, these eclairs are filled with not the cream that you would normally want in an eclair and involve his extremely overloaded dog (that is all I am saying. If you have not seen the movie, believe me, you will thank me for not giving more detail). That puts both Angie and I over the edge and we head off to the bathroom.

As I am walking off, Craig, bless his little jerkish heart, yells out "Dana, that shouldn't bother you." I spin around and say "I knew it! I knew one of you would say that." When I get back, I have the following conversation with Craig.

DM: Ah, yes, it would bother me. It's dog semen!
C: Laughs at me and makes a swallowing motion.
DM: Stop that!
B: Is kitty semen okay then?
DM: Eww! Lalalalala!

Craig is so much fun and is fun to mock flirt with. But he doesn't let anything go. I mentioned something about how I could lick him (he smells good) and he said "You already did." Later that evening, as I got a tad drunker (which I am blaming Beth for - see why here), he was moving his neck back and forth and I told him to stop because it was making the blood pump in his throat and I wanted to bite him. I also, when he and Beth were chair dancing, told him he should consider stripping. This was great because it rendered him speechless. Kind of got him back for all of the swallowing motions.

Some crazy short blonde who was wearing a corset decided to introduce herself to Angie and others at our table. She was bopping around, putting her arms around some of us and singing. Okay, I don't so much have a problem with this except for the fact that I really did not want to get that close to a strange woman's breasts. Plus, when you are dancing over my head while holding a beer, that does tend to make me a bit nervous.

Later that night, after realizing just why it is advised that you never mix beer and liquor, I was headed off to the bathroom (no, I did not throw up. I just had an upset stomach for a period of time. Beer is bad). While in there, I heard voices coming from the stall next to me (I got to use the newly remodeled stall with the stylish shower curtain). I didn't think much of it, just thinking someone was drunk and was getting the help of a friend. Until I was washing my hands and looked in the mirror and saw it was crazy short blonde and a tall man.

When I walked back out, I saw Ke and Benny.

DM: You know that short blonde drunk woman with the top?

Ke and Benny indicate that yes, they do know who I mean.
DM: She was in the bathroom with a man.
B: Really?
DM: Yeah. And that is just way much more fun than I am having.
K: Maybe you need to drink more.
DM: NO! Beer is bad.

Apparently there was a fight that I completely missed (only figured it out from reading Beth's blog today).

I got to be Matt's confidante. Boy, that was fun. First he tells me this story about how an employee of Beth's (and also his co-worker) approached him and asked him if he liked Beth instead of the other way around. Uh, yeah, dude. Sure she did. Like it isn't completely obvious that you don't like Beth and are pumping your co-worker for information.

Matt asked me if I thought he should ask Beth out. I was nice. I am beginning to think that I was too nice because I don't think he got the hint. I sort of implied that Beth might be seeing someone (planning on saying that it was Craig, if needed). I don't think he paid much attention to me, choosing to impress me yet again with why he and Beth would never work out as a couple.

Some of the things Matt told me:

I like Beth.
If I thought I had a miniscule chance with her, I'd ask her out.
Should I ask her out (I told him I wouldn't advise it)?
My penis is this big (holds out his two fingers together. Okay. I don't really care how big your penis is, thanks, but that's really not impressive).
No, I'm just kidding. That's the size of my foreskin (Yeah, I can see you and Beth having really in depth talks. You're quite the conversationalist).
I really want to (long pause) Beth. You can fill in the blank.

Dude. Beth is my best friend. Do you really think that I'm going to put in a good word for you now? After that last comment? Uh, that would be a no.

Anyway, that was pretty much it. There was no James. Dang it.

I didn't embarrass myself too much. At least I don't think so. But I have learned that beer is bad. Even though Rolling Rock is less repulsive than most beers.