Monday, August 13, 2007

Why a spoon, cousin?

What I wouldn't give for a huge, hulking, gigantic man who could squash Craig like the little bug that he is. I could see it now.

Craig: Hi, kids. Can I sit with you?*
HHGM: No. My woman don't like being called kid. You go now. Or HHGM stomp face.
DM: Oh, HHGM, you're so wonderful.

I'm not really sure why I can't fantasize about a HHGM who is also intelligent but hey, at least he's not Craig.

*Actually karaoke is no more on Sundays so you'd think we'd not run into Craig but he seems to be stalking Beth. He has shown up at Fridleykins 3 times. My theory is that he has a GPS tracker on her car.

So my weekend was excellent, actually. Saturday I went shopping with Keem. We went to Catherine's and I bought clothes (yay!). Bath and Body Works where I spent way too much money on hand soap (okay, I bought other things like lip gloss but that is not the point). Joann's where I bought a laminating machine because I have now decided to make bookmarks. Said bookmarks are collage like and are fashioned from magazines. My favorite one so far is the one I made of this girl from a Physician's Formula add where she is hiding her face behind a book because she apparently has broken out. The bookmark now says "Investigate the world. Provide the imagination. Renew your sense of discovery. You. A true story." Would you like a bookmark? I will make you one. Just email me at greenduckiesgirl AT comcast DOT net with your address and the three words you would use to describe yourself and I will come up with a nifty new bookmark just for you! Disclaimer - those three words will probably not end up on your bookmark but it will give me an idea of what would be perfect for you.

I showed Co-worker Eric the bookmarks I had made so far and he said I have weird hobbies and wanted to know just how many books I read at a time.

Co-worker Eric has been amused by me this morning. So far I have sliced my thumb on my scissors while cleaning it (do not clean your scissors by running your thumb down it. It doesn't work. Oh. And Purel hurts when it gets into your cut (because you're using the Purel to clean the scissors because it is pure alcohol and will remove the stickiness from the laminator). Just so you know) and sung different songs because they are stuck in my head.

Here's a sampling...

Islands in the stream. That is what we are. Nowhere inbetween. Blah blah blah. Sail away with me.

Co-worker Eric: Hahahaha. This is gold.

I have also managed to get Sweet City Woman stuck in Keem's head by email (we heard it on Thursday on the way home). She is somewhat annoyed with me. On Saturday, as I was waiting for her to finish purchasing the clothing, I was sitting in a chair and doing a little dance to the song. I was not singing it out loud but apparently she knew what it was because of the dance. Co-worker Eric said it sounds like a dangerous game and he could see us in a gladiator arena with microphones and ukeleles.

Another Co-worker Eric quote.

Co-worker Eric: I blame you for the queue blowing up.
DM: I didn't do it! You did it!
CWE: No. No, I did not. I said "Can you believe it." So I could have been talking about the queue. But the queue didn't know that.
DM: I am so quoting you.

You can never ever say "Hey, there aren't any calls holding" around here. Because if you do, the queue Gods will become angry and smite us with calls. He said "Can you believe it" when there were no calls holding and I said "Don't say it!" because I was in fear of the queue Gods. But then I said "Yeah, this is pretty amazing for a Monday." So it probably is my fault that we're now at 22 calls holding. Not that I care because I am on the help desk until 3 PM today. Hee hee.

Oh. I was talking about my weekend, wasn't I? Beth and I played pool last night. It was fun. I won 3 games by default (she scratched on the 8/9 ball depending on the game that we were playing) and won an actual game by sinking the 9 ball. There may have been a happy dance. And then we went to Fridleykins and drove through the parking lot and convinced ourselves to leave because we didn't want to take the chance of seeing Craig and then we said why are we leaving, this is Beth's Perkins and dammit, it's the best Perkins ever, how dare he drive us away? And then we were happy because he wasn't there.

Guess what. He showed up about a half hour later. He either has a GPS tracking system on her car or there's a curse on his name and when you say it, he shows up. Why no, I've never ever read a Harry Potter book. What do you mean?

Anyway, as you may or may not know, sometimes when I get annoyed, I like to pick up forks and make vague stabbing motions. I did this last night but a quote from a movie ran through my mind.

DM: Why a spoon, cousin?
Beth (laughs because she knows exactly what I am thinking): Because it'll hurt more. I can't believe I got that. I'm not even sure what movie that's from.
DM: Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. Unlike Robin Hood, Men in Tights "Where, unlike other Robin Hoods, I speak with an English accent." I watch too many movies.


Some odd song has come on the radio. Apparently the music for the evening is Top 40. Now, back in my day, Top 40 was actually fairly decent. But these songs now play on the Oldies Station (which is so depressing) and instead we were stuck with songs that were written by whiny, annoying people who have lost their love (probably because they were whiny and annoying) or people on crack.

Some song comes on that is about feet or losing the love of your life or, quite possibly, a gay man's house (I'm pretty sure that's not the lyric but I have blocked the rest of the song from my mind so I can't look it up).

DM: Who writes this crap? I could do this.
Beth: You should.
DM: Of course, the only song that I've ever written was about "grind you out like a cigarette" and "unlike my cigarettes, you gave me cancer of the soul."
Beth: Okay.
DM: I should give my poems to John and have them set them to music.
Beth: John?
DM: Or Bryan. Bryan would work.
Beth: John?
DM: Your John.*
Beth: Oh! I was trying to figure out what John you know that is musical.

*Her totally awesome employee who calls her and leaves voicemails for her that consist of him playing Stairway to Heaven or Paint it Black and other songs. The man is amazing. I've never actually met him but he's amazing.

Later again...

Craig is leaving.

Craig: Beth, I just wanted to let you know that when you said "Who writes this crap?", that was great.
Beth: I didn't say it.
DM: That was me (I did not add bonehead. I was thinking it but I didn't say it).
Craig: Oh. Well, it was communely funny.
Beth: Uh-huh.
DM: Yeah.
John (Craig's friend who is only easy to deal with because you can talk about boys with him. Anything else and he is a whiny, obnoxious, annoying man who is always complaining about working in a convenience store and the dregs of society that he runs into): I got accused of stealing change.
DM: What? That's stupid. Why would you steal change?
John: Blah, blah, blah, the world is out to get me, blah, blah, I am truly annoying, blah.
DM: Uh-huh. See you.

Beth and I then spent the rest of our time at Perkins bemoaning the fact that Craig and John have taken our wonderful home away from home (well, more Beth's because I don't get out there that often) and seem to have invaded it and why, why, why is he stalking her and his last name is what you do when you're bored (Yawn (it's hopefully spelled differently than that but hey, it is true. You yawn when you're bored and you're usually bored when he is around)) and my God, could he be anymore annoying? And then we stopped talking about him and continued playing Liverpool Rummy which is either the coolest game in the world or the most annoying, depending on if you are stuck with a set of 6 8's and need a run of 6 and a set of 3.

So it was a good weekend. Next weekend Beth and I are going to Wisconsin because they're having an inpromtu family reunion and I am tagging along for the ride (and the steaks and garblic bread). It'll be fun. Hope you had a good weekend as well.

Oh, and I have to add this because of Joe. He posted it and this guy is seriously going to be my next boyfriend. I was laughing so hard watching this. Anyone who would film this video of himself is obviously the perfect guy for me.