Today, as most days for me commence, I am staring into my 10X magnifying mirror, tweezers in hand, ready to do battle against the unruliness of my eyebrows. I try to take a few minutes each morning to yank the little bastards out. It, well, relaxes me a little. Not as much as actually having them waxed does (I know. I’m kind of a freak) but it helps me pretend that I actually have some control over my life and, well, let’s face it. It’s really the only beauty routine I have. I don’t wear makeup (even though I buy it for some reason. I like to say I am girly enough to buy it but not girly enough to wear it). I don’t really style my hair. I’m amazed I actually take the time to brush my hair.
Anyway, back to the plucking. Today I am about ready to yank out the 453rd hair this week that is growing out of place and I see it. There is wailing and gnashing of teeth. This year, the year of reaching 40, has quite possibly been the worst year ever for me body wise and this is just the final straw.
Yes. I have a white eyebrow hair. I know!
I can just hear the hilarious antics of my various body parts as they decide to pull this latest travesty.
Eyebrow: Hey! You know what would be fun? You know what would set Dana really over the edge?
Various Body Parts: What? What?
Eyebrow: How about if I have one of my multitudes of children turn white?
Various Body Parts: Ooh! That would be cool.
Brain: Wait a minute! Wait just one gosh darn second here. What is up with you people?
Eyebrow: What do you mean?
Brain: What do I mean? What do I mean? C’mon! Let’s just think about what’s happened this year. Dana turned 40.
Eyebrow: Yeah? So?
Brain: So? So what happened to her? She got a foot spur!
Right Heel: Hee. That was kind of fun.
Brain: And Left Knee decided to get possible arthritis.
Left Knee: Yeah. I am somewhat evil. Gosh, she looks like a total dork when she walks because of the stiffness in me and Right Heel.
Brain: And then Ears decide to stop working.
Ears (in unison): What? Speak up, you whippersnapper! We can’t hear you.
Brain: I SAID “AND THEN EARS…” Oh, never mind. And if that wasn’t the worst thing that could happen, Blood decided that he had enough with just making her anemic and decided, “Hey! I know! Let’s hit her with Diabetes! That’ll be great!”
Blood: Can I help it if I find it a total thrill to get out of the Body twice a day?
Fingers: Well, you didn’t think about us, now, did you? She has to poke us and it hurts! We’re going to go on strike and not release you anymore, Blood.
Blood: What? You can’t do that!
Brain: Shut up! Listen to me, Eyebrow. Don’t do it. Leave Dana alone.
Eyebrow: Too late. It’s already done.
Brain: That’s it. I’m going on strike. You can all deal without me.
And this is possibly the excuse I’m going to give my boss for why I have absolutely nothing done today. Think she’ll buy it?