Why I will never ever go "clubbing" again. Unless it involves the DJ and beating him over the head with an actual club

What did you do this weekend, dear Internet?  Was it filled with excitement?  I certainly hope so.

I had an interesting weekend.  Well, let me rephrase that.  I had an interesting Friday night.  The rest of the weekend was rather tame (although I did go see Chronicles of Narnia, Prince Caspian on Sunday and that was good).

Friday night, Beth picked me up and we journeyed to the wilds of Maplewood for my niece's graduation party.  To give you an idea of how small the world is*, about 3 years ago or so, Beth called me and asked me if I knew an Elizabeth Vittum.  I said I wasn't sure but knew she was related to me somehow, since anyone with the last name Vittum is related to me somehow.  I also said maybe she was Bruce's daughter (Bruce is my youngest half-brother, 10 years older than me (my dad was married two times (possibly 3, depending who is telling the story))) because I was pretty sure Scott didn't have any daughters (Scott is my oldest half-brother.  And apparently he does have two daughters). 

*It's also a good example of how bad my "keeping in touch with my family" skills are.

Anyway, long story short (too late), Betsy is Bruce's daughter and she meets us up at the Chalet on Thursday nights.  We've become friends and I was really pleased to be invited to her graduation party.  Beth was also invited, the only non-family member. 

It was nice seeing Bruce again.  The last time I saw him was at my Dad's funeral in 1994.  I recognized him right away.  He looks very much like my father.  I also met (re-met?) my former sister-in-law Kathy and Bruce's girlfriend.  I felt welcomed and not out of place at all.  Which is definitely not normal for me at family reunions!  Actually, I used to spend most family reunions in the corner, reading, so this is a vast improvement.

I really need to load pictures one of these days.  I got some great ones of the goslings (the party was at Casey Lake) and two of Betsy's cousins rolling down the hill, a small child running with a balloon.  I also have some of Bruce and Scott who was also there.

Here's another example of how bad I am at staying in touch with my family - While Beth and I are sitting at one of the picnic tables, this attractive older man comes up and says "Hi, babe."

DM:  Um, hi.
Beth (sotto voce):  That's Scott.
DM:  Oh my GOD!  Hi!

Beth later explained she heard Bruce call him Scott and that's how she knew who he was.  It's a good thing I have my friends around to remind me of important things, such as who the heck my brother is…don't know what I'd do without her.

Scott and his wife sat down with Beth and I.  When I get nervous, I babble.  When I babble, I lose all sense of whatever I'm saying.  I don't even really remember what we talked about.  Later on, Beth and I were talking.

DM:  Hi!  My name is Dana!  And I babble.  Babble, babble, babble.  Blah, blah, blah.  Hello!  Would you like to hear about my tattoos since I just flashed you, sister-in-law whose name I didn't catch?  Babble, babble, babble!  God.  I flashed my sister-in-law.

Beth:  Yes, you did.  I was going to say something but then you started talking and wouldn't stop.
DM:  I am a babbler.

I think I'm going to ask Co-worker Christy if she can do something with the shirt I was wearing.  It's just a tad too big.  I love it but I don't need to go around exposing various parts of my body to my FAMILY!

It was a good afternoon.  Even with the mosquito bites (that I still have and that are driving me nuts still).  Then things got weird.

Betsy, Nick (Betsy's brother), Bob and Angie (Betsy's cousins on her mother's side) and Beth wanted to go play pool after the party.  I don't necessarily play pool (only when forced) but I enjoy watching it.  The plan was to go to the dive bar.  So, I'm thinking hole in the wall, right?  Not a lot of people, feet sticking to the floor because of the beer, etc.  In other words, not a club.  I don't like clubs.  I am not a club type of person.  Guess what this place was?  Guess.

Yes.  It was a club.  Apparently it's not the dive bar, it's Dive Bar.  Why do you use the word Dive in your title?  Why?

We walk up to the bouncer and he cards Beth.  I ask if he needs to see my ID.

Bouncer:  Sure.

I dig through my purse.  Of course I can't find it.

Bouncer:  Don't bother.  I just asked to make you feel good. 

Thanks, dude.  That doesn't make me feel good at all!

There are flashing lights, loud music that I've never heard before, scantily clad women all over the place.  Oh, joy.

Beth pays the cover and we find our way to the back where Nick is waiting by the pool tables.  We happen to be by the woman's bathroom.  This just adds to the fun since I am now able to view what passes for fashion nowadays (tube tops, tight, tight pants or skirts, etc.  The more of your boobs on display, the better, apparently).

Two girls walk up to the men's room. 

Silly Girl 1:  That's not it.
Silly Girl 2:  Oh, there it is.
Silly Girl 1:  Yay!

They clap.  I admit to getting excited about small things (SQUIRRELS and BALLOONS! come to mind) but I have never Yay'd or clapped at a bathroom. 

Beth and I discuss the last time we paid a cover.  I'm thinking for me it has been at least 20 years and was on New Year's Eve.  Beth thinks the last time was when she went to a gay bar (Technically, I guess the gay bars we used to go to with our old roommates could be considered clubs but they were far less annoying).

DM:  I kind of wish we were at a gay bar.  The guys are much better looking.

Then the television screens start flashing an odd little message.  Possibly programmed by the DJ?  I don't know.

Greg wants to give Ricky a reach around.

DM:  Huh.  Maybe we are at a gay bar.

Then the message changed to:

Indy feels left out.

Why would Indiana Jones feel left out?  Oh, wait.  Is that the DJ's name?

DM (to Beth and Nick):  I want to break a pool cue over the DJ's head.  What do you think he'd do if I asked him to play some CCR?

Beth tries to convince me I should but I chickened out. 

New message:

Greg likes to play with his balls (pool balls that is).

Oh, wow.  That's so clever.  Ha.  Ha ha.  Ha.

The DJ is playing some of the most annoying music I have ever heard.  At one point, the refrain of "Shake your ass for me, girl.  Shake your ass for me" echoes through the room. 

Seriously?  This is considered music?

Then, wonders of wonders, the song "Without Me" starts playing by Eminem.

Beth and DM simultaneously:  I know this song!
DM:  I have never been so happy to hear Eminem in my life.

Three girls strut from the bathroom to the dance floor, holding hands.  I'm pretty sure two of them are the Silly Girls who couldn't find the bathroom earlier.  I am not sure if they realize how silly they look, walking in a line. 

Beth:  I feel like I'm 20 years too old to be here.  And I'm 29!

The song switches from Eminem to one of the worst songs ever recorded.  It is almost worse than Picture but not quite.  It's that stupid Milkshake song.

Sure enough, there's a new message on the TV.

Indy's milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

Then there's the song about how some woman is a crazy b*tch but gosh darn it if the guy singing doesn't mind enjoying her in a romantic (term used loosely) manner.

Oh, and then it's time for a video!  Let's watch a bunch of women prance around in swimsuits and fawn all over fully dressed men.  That sends a good message, doesn't it?  The song is called Cyclone.  Let's never listen to it again.

Speaking of messages, here's another one from our industrious DJ Indy (who also needs a shot from a hot girl (I was so tempted to bring him one.  Although I wasn't so much hot as somewhat warm)):

Jen moves her body like a cyclone.

Beth:  Do you think she gets dizzy?  I think I'd throw up.

And then Indy follows up with:

And Indy likes to watch.

For the love of God, Indy, if that is in fact your real name, shut the heck up!

Then, wonders of wonders, I hear the opening chords for one of the best songs ever written.

Def Leppard.  "Pour Some Sugar on Me."

DM:  Yes!  I know this song!

Everyone in the immediate vicinity turns and looks at me.

DM:  Yeah, that was kind of loud, wasn't it?

The pounding of the music was seriously getting to both Beth and I.  We were both complaining of headaches.  I asked Beth for some Advil and swallowed some honking large pills.

Beth:  You took the Advil, right?  Not the Cold and Sinus?
DM:  What does the Cold and Sinus look like?

Apparently they look like the pills I just took.  Oops.  Fortunately the pills don't make you tired.

Shortly after that, Beth and I made our escape.  I really, really wanted to take pictures of the experience but I'm pretty sure if I was taking pictures of the random people around the place, someone would notice.  However, I will leave you with these two images.

Imagine, if you will, a blonde woman covered in gold lame.  Gold halter top, gold mini-skirt.

DM:  She's shiny.

Then there was the woman who was wearing what I believe is called a handkerchief skirt.  It was a fairly long skirt but it had slits everywhere that made it pointy AND flappy at the same time.  And the top she paired it with was a backless halter.  I am one who doesn't really care if my bra straps slip and are exposed but I would definitely not wear something that exposed the back of my bra. 

Not that I'm one to talk about fashion.  I flashed my sister-in-law.  Perhaps you could all talk about your past wardrobe malfunctions now to make me feel better.