Why you should not watch the original Batman movie two nights in a row

So last night I had a dream. A very weird and somewhat frightening dream. And, because I love you all, I am now going to share this with you. My comments will all be in italics.

Okay, so there was this woman. She was this blonde bombshell type of woman. But she was also a tad psychotic. She had decided she was in love with this guy but she was completely obsessed with him and if he even so much as looked or talked to another woman, she would kill the woman. For example, he had a conversation with a waitress and then the waitress turned up dead.

Or he smiled at this woman when they passed on the street and then the woman was murdered horribly.

But the worst part was when this psychotic woman (she needs a good blonde bombshell name. Hmm. Where’s my name book when I need it?), Lola, found out that the guy she was obsessed with, Rock, was in love with another woman. She went insane. “How dare he love someone else, that rat bastard? He should only LOVE me!”

So, as you can imagine, the woman who Rock adored with all of his heart was killed. He was devastated. Horrified. Distraught. And what was up with all of these women being killed? That was kind of weird, wasn’t it?

Then, one night, Lola showed up on his door. He knew her vaguely, she was attractive enough, but his heart still belonged to his lost love. He let her into his apartment and, as Lola thought, into his life.

But it was not to be. When Lola poured her heart out to him, he rebuffed her affections, he rejected her love. Well, as they say, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” And, as you can imagine, Lola went nuts. Crazy, baby. But not in a fun, beatnik way (Did I mention that this took place in either the 50’s or 60’s? Because it did).

You can almost visualize the scene, can’t you? Lola in her tight white dress, her bosom heaving, as she tore around his apartment, smashing things to the ground. While Rock stood there, heart broken, watching this Hell Cat destroy his possessions and not caring. Because she had already destroyed his heart.

But then Lola heard something. A step on the stairs right outside. Who could it be? She dashed quickly to the window. It was the Sheriff. Lola might be insane but she wasn’t stupid. She threw herself into Rock’s arms and then pushed him away. She swiped him with her wickedly sharp manicure. And then, worst of all, when he wasn’t looking (yeah, because looking away from a psychotic woman is always brilliant), she threw the mask she had worn when she had killed the three woman onto his face so it would like he was the murderer.

The Sheriff entered the room. He stoically surveyed the scene. Lola, bosom heaving yet again, threw herself into his arms. “Oh, Sheriff,” she cried. “Thank God you’re here! He went crazy and tried to kill me! He said he killed those other women! Please help me!”
The Sheriff had no choice. It didn’t look good for our hero, Rock. You had to feel sorry for the Sheriff, being forced to arrest his best friend since kindergarten. But arrest him, he did.

Late that night, while Rock laid on the cot in his jail cell, the Sheriff considered the evidence. What was he going to do? The townspeople were up in arms about wanting swift justice. Suddenly, the door to the jail burst open. The Sheriff jumped to his feet, fearing a lynch mob. But only one man walked into the jail. A stranger to the Sheriff.

“Who are you?” the Sheriff asked. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m here to save you from making the biggest mistake of your life, Sheriff. I, like you, am a lawful man, a protector of innocents. But I am here from the future (Now here’s the point that I don’t get. You would think the Sheriff would ask the man from the future to prove this in some manner. But he doesn’t. He just stoically (in case you haven’t guessed, I like the word stoic) says “Okay” and waits for this guy to save him from making the biggest mistake of his life).”

“Okay,” the Sheriff says and waits for the guy to save him from making the biggest mistake of his life.

The man from the future goes on to tell him that Rock is an innocent man (Can anyone else hear Billy Joel wailing in the background “For I am an innnnnoooocenttt man?” Or is that just me) and that Lola is actually a psychotic freak woman who is warped due to a traumatic experience she had one day involving an amorous octopus (seriously what he said).

The screen changes (because apparently this isn’t a dream, it’s a movie) to look like a comic book and you see a comic book version of Lola capering around in the ocean. And the next panel shows the menacing tentacle of an octopus creeping towards her. The next panel shows Lola with a blissful smile on her face and that’s all you see because wrapped around her arms and legs and body is nothing but tentacles. Tentacles everywhere except neck up. Then the last panel shows Lola drifting in the ocean underwater, in a cloud of squid ink (which I’m not sure how the squid ink becomes involved because Future Guy said it was an amorous octopus. They are not the same. Perhaps this was an octopus with a squid mother).

We return to the jail. The Sheriff, unsurprisingly, is a bit taken aback. The man from the future continues his story. “So you see, Sheriff, Lola can’t help the way that she feels. She is looking for a man that can provide her with the love and constant attention that the octopus gave her. She wants to feel that she is the only one in her man’s life. But she can’t continue to toy with other lives in this way. We must stop her.”

Now this is where it gets a little weird (and I know you’re all sitting here thinking “Um, Dana, yeah, you’re a freak. This was weird from the beginning.”). The only way that the Sheriff can get Lola to confess is to take her into a submarine. Because apparently, being close to the ocean will put Lola into a much better mood. So once she starts smelling the ocean, she becomes quite friendly, especially when the Sheriff tells her that he loves her. Oh, that’s so great. Rock is forgotten in a second.

“You have no idea what I’ve done for love, Sheriff,” Lola purrs.

“Tell me, Lola. You must. I must know!” The Sheriff says passionately. “I love you, Lola. I will protect you.”

“I’ve killed, Sheriff, I’ve maimed, I’ve framed Rock for murder. All because he kept looking at other women. How could he? How could he when there was me? Sheriff, what are you doing with those handcuffs?”

The Sheriff lunges for Lola but she suddenly spies an octopus outside the submarine. She rushes to the door and throws it open. “My love!” she screams. She throws herself out into the ocean, to be seen no more (I had thought she drowned but when I was telling this to Keem this morning, she thought that maybe Lola was living in the ocean with her octopus lover. And she told me that I scared her).

The Sheriff, of course, is too busy trying to shut the door to the submarine so he doesn’t drown to rescue her.

Later, he plays the tape he made for both Rock and the man from the future. “I’m so glad that you were able to free Rock,” Future Guy says (You would think that maybe, just maybe, he would tell us why he was so adamant that Rock was freed but no. No, doesn’t bother. He does, however, tell Rock and the Sheriff the names of several candy bars that they should invest in. Maybe mentioned a stock or two). Future Guy leaves. Rock and the Sheriff just sit there, looking at each other.

So that’s my dream. Sometimes I scare even myself.

Previous Comments:

At 1:28 PM, brooksba said...
DM,OMG, this is hilarious! My favorite part:["He just stoically (in case you haven’t guessed, I like the word stoic) says “Okay” and waits for this guy to save him from making the biggest mistake of his life).”“Okay,” the Sheriff says and waits for the guy to save him from making the biggest mistake of his life.]Classic! Absolutely classic.You do scare me sometimes, but it's usually in a good way. Loved it. Thanks for sharing.Beth
At 1:39 PM, CarpeDM said...
I had both Andrea S. and Laurie B. read it. They thought it was pretty funny. Scary but funny.Where does this stuff come from?
At 1:49 PM, Robert ~ Marlénè said...
That was actually pretty good. I wish my dreams had such narrative integrity. All this needs is a little fleshing out (the Man From the Future's motives, for example, maybe he's Rock's son or something, or the son of the sherrif who committed suicide after discovering that he'd allowed his best friend to be lynched for Lola's crimes... talk it out amongst yourself), and it would make an excellent comic book script. Also definitely change the octopus to a squid... aside from the ink, they're just more phallic. And instead of Lola exiting the submarine by way of a door (which submarines do not have... they have hatches), she could exit by way of a torpedo bay, also very Freudian.
At 2:35 AM, brooksba said...
DM,I just wanted to stop by and wish you Merry Christmas! Hope your day with your family is wonderful and full of happy moments, memories in the wings. Call me later!Beth
At 12:10 PM, Firebear said...
This is great! I love the whole story!