Wood Splinters in the Chest Cavity*

Most people are afraid of something. We all have our phobias. I am afraid of heights, spiral staircases and elevators (there is actually amusing story regarding a time where I had to encounter all of these in one building on a choir trip. And how I almost shoved a member of the choir out of a 20 story window. But I am not telling that story today).

I am also afraid of vampires.

When Beth was telling me about a David Sedaris story (The Undead) she had heard, she starts it out by saying that he is afraid of zombies. Before she can go on, I interjected with “See?! It’s not weird that I’m afraid of vampires!”

Last night, I turned to Keem and said “Keem, I want Popsicles.”

Keem, logically, pointed out that the popsicles were in the freezer which was conveniently located in the kitchen, two rooms away. She also asks me to bring her a grape Popsicle.

“But Keem!” I said. “There might be vampires.”

Keem replies “Dana, there are no vampires. I just cleaned the freezer. It is vampire free.”

Now, you might think that I am a reasonable, logical adult and therefore, should understand that vampires do not actually exist and I should not be afraid of them. You might think that. And then I will laugh at you because I have never actually been reasonable or logical.

I do know that vampires technically do not exist. However, I like to think they do. Which, yes, I know that’s a little weird since I’m afraid of them. But that’s me. Okay? Do you have a problem with the fact that I’m a little weird? Do you? That’s right. You better back down.

Yikes. Apparently my more aggressive, psychotic personality decided to take over for a little while. Please ignore her. I am sending her to her room without any chocolate.

Anyway, here’s a little background – Whenever someone tries to make me do something I don’t want to (ride the bus, go to the break room by myself, stay in the apartment alone while Keem and Jeff abandon me), I will usually say “But I can’t. What if there are vampires?” Apparently, in my mind, there are vampires floating around everywhere, just waiting to get their fangs into my neck. Now, if they all looked like Angel and Spike, I could be okay with this but no, I only imagine the UnSouly Dead (sorry, couldn’t resist the pun (You will only get this if you’ve watched Buffy and Angel, Angel and Spike have souls. Normal vampires do not)).

I cannot be a vampire. Blood makes me nauseous, I love garlic, I am not a night person (although I’m not much of a day person either, is there such a thing as a Twilight Person?) and then there’s that whole giving up the soul thing. That would be wrong. Keem and I have joked about the fact that when she and Beth become vampires, I could be the Vampire Slayer that befriends them and they will work for good…they better or else I will stake them!

It was during this same email that I blasphemed by saying that Jesus may have been a vampire. It does make sense. Eternal life, “This is my blood,” rises from the dead?

Yeah, I’m so going to hell.

I saw "Fright Night" with my first boyfriend when I was 18. Long, long ago. Great movie. When Mark brought me home, we pulled up into the driveway. The dark, tree-infested driveway. No light on in the house. I was, quite honestly, a little freaked out. As we were sitting there, Mark leans over and bites me on the neck. You can imagine my reaction.

I screamed. Very loudly. It took him about 5 minutes to calm me down.

What I don't get is why, if I'm afraid of vampires, was I so drawn to Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel? I'm sure it has a lot to do with Joss Whedon since he is, to quote The Lioness, bloody brilliant. And I do like some vampire movies (Fright Night 1 & 2, Buffy, Love At First Bite) even while I hate others (Interview With A Vampire (Christian Slater is not enough to make me ever sit through this movie again)).

This whole vampire thing is completely dooming my relationship with Angel and Spike. It's very sad. Actually, I think it makes sense why I like some vampires and not others. I like the ones that are funny and are not so evil. And yes, I know that I did sigh over Spike when he was evil but please, have you looked at him? The hair, the sneer, the accent? Okay, I better end this before I start drooling some more. I am off to The Lioness's site before I have to catch my stupid bus.

If you don't hear from me again, it's because the damn bus vampires got me.

*Title from Matt (Matt that I work with, not my son Matt) who came up with this when I said "I need a title for my story about how I am afraid of vampires."

Previous Comments:

At 9:10 PM, The Lioness said...
Woman, I am POSITIVELY crazy abt you. You see, only you could spin a post abt vampires not existing and your realistically being afraid of them. This post was... DMish in extreme and therefore extremelly delectable. And I almost laughed at your phobias until i remembered mine (tsunamis, cockroaches - go hysterical, v v embarrassing - and fires. Fires actually don't count, was in my car so it's more like trauma), so serves me right for being a bitch.Now, WHY oh WHY aren't you answering my email? Any of you? WHY? I NEED FEMALE SOLIDARITY! I have fangs, albeit of the wrong sort. I might use them yet.Matt, congrats on a BLOODY BRILLIANT - yes - title, wouldn't have expected any less (mad) of you.
At 5:39 AM, brooksba said...
DM,Great post. I likey. Vampires are bad. Of course, the only vampires I've ever really read about are from Stephen King novels, but I'd think they're bad. Even if people think I am one. Is it wrong that my first thought of becoming a vampire is not the gross-out for drinking blood but the sadness at the loss of garlic? I really should go to bed. I don't want to, but I should. Great post!Beth
At 6:21 AM, DeAnn said...
Joss does have a brilliant way of making the scary unscary even while scaring the crap out of us!!
At 6:30 PM, The Lioness said...
I'm sorry, that should read "was in my car with parents as a child as it started burning under us". yes. Sorry I'm losing it everywhere.DM, did YOU get my email? What's wrong w the US ether postal service? I thought it was rain or shine, snow or drizzle. ARGH!!!
At 8:33 PM, FrostyTheDMan said...
I just finished playing a PC game from Troika/Atari called Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines.It's based on a PnP (Pen and Paper for all you non-dorks out there)game that I played quite a bit back during my first attempt at college. You get to fight other Vampires and suck blood from innocent Queens of the Universe standing at bus stops... he he he.By the way, garlic and crosses.... not gonna help yah if you run into one of these bad boys/girls... sleep tight.Later - Frosty