Okay, okay. I guess I should have explained better.
My mom and I have a strange relationship. No matter what I do, it never seems like it is good enough for her. It has always seemed like she wanted to change me, thus the mention of the 453 pamphlets. This is a reoccurring theme between us. Whenever she went to the doctor, whenever she saw a newspaper article, she made sure to grab it and send it to me.
Every time we are together, I can see her watching my every move, how much food did I take, had I quit smoking yet…etc. For the record, my mom isn't that bad of a person. She's actually quite great and I love her a lot. But it's hard to erase past feelings and learned behaviors.
I've had a long history of abusing food, most of it stemming from depression and feeling empty. Food was a comfort to me. It helped fill me for short periods of time. This is no longer the case and hasn't been for years. I do not eat when I'm depressed, I eat when I'm hungry. I know what my limits are. I know that Mountain Dew is not a good choice and that's why I've given it up, for the most part. I have a water jug at my desk that holds 32 ounces. I also have a mug at home that holds the same amount of water. I drink water all the time and love it. I am even starting to embrace the taste of Diet Cherry Coke. But yes, every once in awhile I want a Mountain Dew.
I am watching what I am eating, I am keeping track of my blood sugar levels, I am working on getting them to normal. But every time someone tells me "No, you can't have that" or "That's not good for you," I feel like I'm 13 or 15 or 18 again, listening to my Mom tell me, without actually saying it, that I'm a fat piece of lard that doesn't deserve to live.
I know that's not what she's saying. I know that's not what you're saying. I know that Diabetes is serious, after all I watched my Great Grandmother die from it. I know that you're only telling me this because you all love me. And I appreciate that, I really do. But I hate feeling like this. It makes me want to regress and start bingeing again. And that's very hard to come back from once you slip.
I am not going to completely give up everything that I love. You need to understand that. I will have Mountain Dew on occasion (or maybe not since Kari ruined it for me). I am going to eat the occasional potato or bread or (gasp) chocolate. I just hope that you can trust me when I tell you that it's not an every day thing.