Monday, January 21, 2008

Properly chastened now

Okay, okay.  I guess I should have explained better. 

My mom and I have a strange relationship.  No matter what I do, it never seems like it is good enough for her.  It has always seemed like she wanted to change me, thus the mention of the 453 pamphlets.  This is a reoccurring theme between us.  Whenever she went to the doctor, whenever she saw a newspaper article, she made sure to grab it and send it to me. 

Every time we are together, I can see her watching my every move, how much food did I take, had I quit smoking yet…etc.  For the record, my mom isn't that bad of a person.  She's actually quite great and I love her a lot.  But it's hard to erase past feelings and learned behaviors.

I've had a long history of abusing food, most of it stemming from depression and feeling empty.  Food was a comfort to me.  It helped fill me for short periods of time.  This is no longer the case and hasn't been for years.  I do not eat when I'm depressed, I eat when I'm hungry.  I know what my limits are.  I know that Mountain Dew is not a good choice and that's why I've given it up, for the most part.  I have a water jug at my desk that holds 32 ounces.  I also have a mug at home that holds the same amount of water.  I drink water all the time and love it.  I am even starting to embrace the taste of Diet Cherry Coke.  But yes, every once in awhile I want a Mountain Dew. 

I am watching what I am eating, I am keeping track of my blood sugar levels, I am working on getting them to normal.  But every time someone tells me "No, you can't have that" or "That's not good for you," I feel like I'm 13 or 15 or 18 again, listening to my Mom tell me, without actually saying it, that I'm a fat piece of lard that doesn't deserve to live. 

I know that's not what she's saying.  I know that's not what you're saying.  I know that Diabetes is serious, after all I watched my Great Grandmother die from it.  I know that you're only telling me this because you all love me.  And I appreciate that, I really do.  But I hate feeling like this.  It makes me want to regress and start bingeing again.  And that's very hard to come back from once you slip. 

I am not going to completely give up everything that I love.  You need to understand that.  I will have Mountain Dew on occasion (or maybe not since Kari ruined it for me).  I am going to eat the occasional potato or bread or (gasp) chocolate.  I just hope that you can trust me when I tell you that it's not an every day thing.