Just call me Mata Hari - Part Deux

Occasionally I have moments where it appears I have suddenly turned into a gorgeous femme fatale and men appear to fall at my feet in wonder at my charm and glorious beauty. One such example is this post that I did last year in June, a little over a year ago. It is called "Just call me Mata Hari."

Oh, you figured that out from the title of this post? Aren't you clever. Now shut up and read the post (by the way, does anyone know how to set up blogger so that all of your links automatically open into a new page? Because I've done that stupid target=blank and it gets old doing that every single time. Yes. I am lazy).

Okay. Are you back? Did you just marvel over my power over men? Yes, I am laughing over that sentence as well. Anyway, this happened quite some time ago, July 13th to be exact, and I've been meaning to write it but we've been so busy and then I've been trying to catch up on every one else's blog and I want my computer to start working now but it hates me so what are you going to do, right?

On Thursdays, as you know, I go to karaoke. That requires taking a cab (or it did. Cabs are not in the budget this pay period. Beth, who is wonderful (but you all know that) has been picking me up). So. I call the cab company. I wait for a cab. A few minutes go by. A cab pulls up. I get into the cab.

The cab driver looks somewhat familiar but I do not quite recognize him.

CD (that would be cab driver): Where are you going?
DM: The Chalet on Rice Street.

CD looks at me in the rear view mirror.

CD: The Chalet? I have a club that meets there occasionally.
DM: Oh. You're Bad Brad.

I have posted about Bad Brad before. Here is the first encounter with him. Here is the 2nd (although it is not as detailed as the first encounter, mainly just a paragraph in the middle of a whole lot of "I like James. La la la") encounter.

BB (see, it has changed to BB to stand for Bad Brad. In case you couldn't figure out my tricky acronyms): Yeah. Good to see you again.

He turns around to look me up in down.

BB: You're looking real good.

Oh, dear God in Heaven. No. This is not funny. He used that tone. You know, the one that draws out real good until it sounds like "reeeeeaaal goooooood." Kind of how Joey on friends would say "How you doin'?"

DM: Thanks.
BB: I should give you my card and we could get together some time.
DM: Oh, I think you gave it to me before.

We ride in silence for a few moments.

BB: Are you a member of my yahoo club?
DM: I don't think so. I'm not a member of any clubs that I know of. What is your club?

Now, remember, every time I've asked about this club (when HE brings it up), I've been told that it is secret and shocking and that he can't tell me about it.

BB: It's bad.
DM: Okay (dismissive, I don't care if you tell me).

He glances in the mirror. Somehow, something makes him change his mind. Perhaps it is my glorious beauty and charm.

BB: It's Minnesota Swingers.
DM: Oh! Then no. No, I am not.
BB: Sorry.
DM: Uh-huh.

We finally pull up to the Chalet (yay! Safety!) and I start to rush for the sanctuary of my home away from home. But I have to pause to pay him. I will normally pay $15 for the cab ride. Usually it is about $10-12 from my apartment to the Chalet and I'll just ask for a $5 back. The cab driver's tip is based on whatever the meter is when they drop me off. If it costs $12 to get there, they are only going to get $3. Bad Brad told me to just pay him $10 because he had made a mistake and turned the wrong way. I had him the $20 and ask for the $5 back.

BB: Thank YOU!

Damn. I should ask for $8 back. He thinks that I'm appreciative of his (cough) charms.

BB: Give me a call tonight and I'll take you home for $10.
DM: Yeah. Thanks.

I walk inside. I see Beth and wave as I walk to the bar to get my water. I see Mike Tice. He asks me how I am. I tell him about Bad Brad and how I was mistaken for a swinger.

DM: Do I look like a swinger to you? Do I?

Mike laughs appreciatively and says no.

As I am waiting at the bar for Annie to finish up with another customer, I feel someone's hand move across my back. Oh, dear. Is it Bad Brad? Did he come to find me?

No. It is Stoobs. A guy who has been up there a few times and has expressed some interest in me. He is very nice but, with my life as screwed up as it is, I have no plans on dating for a very long time. Plus, my heart belongs to James, even if he has no clue (although I must say, with my stepping back and concentrating merely on the friendship aspect, I have found that I am able to talk to him without sounding like a complete idiot) that he holds it in his manly Batman like hands.

I find my way to the table. I look at Beth. She, using the telepathy that we seem to have honed to an art form, knows that something has happened.

B: I saw what happened at the bar.
DM: Yeah, that's nothing compared to my cab ride.

I tell her what happened. Being a supportive friend, she immediately bursts into laughter. I join her. Because, yeah, it is funny. And, considering that it seems to be our mission in life to meet as many freaks as possible, is almost normal compared to some of the people (Shrunken Head Man comes to mind) we've run across.

Later, on my way to the bathroom, I see Ki. I tell him about what happened.

DM: Do I look like a swinger? Honestly.
Ki (laughing): Well, maybe he was up here the night you were drinking.
DM: Oh. Yeah, that could be.

Was that night all that bad? I mean, really, did I do anything that I should regret or would make someone think I might be a swinger?

As I am headed back to my table, I see that the large group of people that are standing in the aisle are still clustered there and seem to have grown in size. I must find an alternative route. I see an open spot by Stoobs and walk by him.

DM: Excuse me.
S: I thought you were going to sit on my lap. G-d dammit.

Um, no. I don't know you well enough to sit on your lap. Besides, haven't we established that I am not a swinger?

Anyway, that is encounter #3 with Bad Brad. I'm sure you can all understand why I am never calling yellow cab again. Or, if I do, I will specifically request not to get him. The man is very odd. Although we've been having fun trying to figure out who might be in his club. There's the guy that kept telling me he loved me. We think he might be a member.


So, at karaoke last night, I mention to Beth that I'm working on the swinger post. Beth, of course, knows that I'm referring to Bad Brad. Katie, however, does not.

K: What? You must explain.
DM: Oh, yeah. That probably makes no sense to you.
K: I am assuming that you are referring to swinging on a swing.
DM: Yes, of course. Exactly.
K: That's what I thought.

I explained it to her, she had the correct response of "Ew." All is good.

I have not run into Bad Brad recently but that is because Beth, who is wonderful in many, many ways, has been picking me up on Thursdays now when she is done with work because I am very broke. She does not want me to have to give up karaoke since it is a relatively inexpensive form of entertainment (well, not when you figure out that gas prices have risen to $3.19 which is just wrong) and I appreciate that.

I am sorry it took me so long to post this, it has been busy again and finally slowed down enough to let me finish. Plus, I had to search through all of my archives until I could find the first post about Bad Brad. My archives are not very well organized and I'm going to have to fix that. Calls permitting, of course.

Have a great weekend!

I like to say I was an English major but maybe I should go back to school

Oh good Lord in Heaven, this is pathetic.

Your English Skills:

Punctuation: 80%

Vocabulary: 80%

Spelling: 60%

Grammar: 20%

Does Your English Cut the Mustard?

In response to your comments (AND scores so much better than my own):

You people all suck. I am stating for the record that I was in a hurry when I took the test. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

And, DeAnn, yes, I was an English major. Not that I actually finished college or anything.

Well, I'm having a great day!

So I went to my mailbox at work today and found that I had an interoffice envelope (also known as Holy Joes (I have no idea why except that they do have holes in them)) waiting for me. I go back to my desk, sit down, start to reach for the envelope.

But it was not to be. A stock holder walked in. I helped him. I go back to my desk. I finish working on the sales request he wanted, figuring I'll get to open the envelope soon. I am wrong.

Another stock holder walks in. This one needs help with transferring. I answer his questions, help him fill out his stock power. He leaves.

Finally I have a moment to myself. I open the envelope. Inside are two cards. Hmm. It's not my birthday. I haven't been promoted lately. What are they for? Who are they from?

And the answer is they are from Beth. The first is a card with a butterfly on the front and the inside says "You bring out everything beautiful in friendship." She wrote "Just a note to say 'hello' to an awesome person! You are wonderful! Love always, Beth"

Awwwww. That's so sweet.

The second one is a card with three women sitting at a table, drinking coffee and talking. The caption is "You know how someone starts telling you a story and then you realize it's gonna take a lot longer than you thought?" And the inside says "I never have to use my fake interested face with you." She added "Chicken! Always, Beth."

ARGH!

Yes, yes, it is sweet but she sneaks that Chicken! in everywhere! At karaoke, while scrapbooking and now sent in a card. She is sneaky!

She's also quite possibly the best friend ever. This is just what I needed. It made me laugh and feel good about myself. Thank you, Beth.

Oh, and here is my fortune and horoscope for the day...interesting.


Daily Fortune

Your fortune for today...
It's time to turn over a new leaf, again.

Pisces By Rick Levine
Even the messiest of circumstances will smooth themselves out, without too much effort on your part. A potential conflict that appeared to be heading toward showdown can be effectively averted. It's not that all your problems will just disappear. More likely, the clouds in the sky will dissipate and you can remember what the sunshine feels like, so enjoy the good times as they come. You'll need to return to the more serious work soon enough.

Hmm. Is someone going to give me lots and lots of money? Because none of the antique shops in the area are interested in what I have to sell.

Hello

Just wanted to let you all know that I am doing much better. I doubled my dosage of Effexor, I have talked to people who care about me and have given me a lot of support and I have a much better attitude (in other words, the windows are closed and will stay that way). I'm still completely screwed financially but you can't have everything, right?

Fortunately I have some things that I can sell - a ton of A&W mugs (some of them very old), maybe some jewelry and some dishes that I picked up at garage sales for ten bucks per set but one of them is from the fifties and the other one might even be older. So wish me luck with that. Maybe they are worth millions? That would rock.

Beth, bless her, took me to Heaven on Sunday - otherwise known as Manny's Steak House. We had planned on taking Liz there for her birthday and I was supposed to split the cost with her but then I went slightly insane (okay, maybe a lot insane) and landed myself into this fiasco. It was quite possibly the best meal of my life, made even more perfect because we spent time with Liz and James outside of karaoke (Char was there as well but we see her more often. I am not discounting time spent with Char by any means because time spent with Char also rocks).

Beth and I also spent Saturday night scrapbooking and that was fun. I haven't done that for awhile. It's a nice, free hobby (well, only if you figure that I spent all the money on my supplies long ago) and I've enjoyed looking over pictures of Portugal and remembering how great that trip was.

So thanks for all of your supportive comments and emails and steak (from Beth). I really, really, really love you all. And (oh, you knew this was coming) you ROCK. Can you tell I'm from the 80's?

What's going on

Okay. I just have to say it. I love you all. You have no idea how wonderful it is to read your comments the last few days. It has really made me feel better about things.

So. Here's what happened. Suz, ding, ding, ding! You hit the nail right on the head when you mentioned being in a manic state. Apparently I was. Of course, I have no clue that it is happening and just bop along, completely getting myself into a fine mess.

The fine mess is that I, for the past 8 weeks, was visiting the casino. I would talk Keem into going, we would head out there and then I would systematically lose money. And then I would withdraw more money from my account and lose that. So now I am somewhat in the hole. Well, a lot in the hole. I think I managed to lose about $800 or so. Actually, it's more than that. I was talking to Beth last night about how I made a couple of transactions. She looked at me and said "You do realize that you lost $500, right?" And I stared back at her in horror and said "OH MY GOD! $500? That's crazy! What was I thinking?"

I should mention that none of the blame should be put on Keem. My sister thought she was enabling me but Keem really had no idea how much money I was withdrawing. She thought it was just $40 or $60, small amounts. Not $200 or $300 at a pop.

It is amazing how I can rationalize behavior. I would look for signs everywhere. I saw the number 777 so that meant I was going to win big. A butterfly flew over the car so obviously I would have good luck.

Now, of course, I look back and all I can say to myself is "What were you thinking?!!!?" The only answer I can come up with is that I wasn't. I became so caught up in the moment, the flashing lights, the bells ringing, the cheers of the crowd around me. My focus became so narrow that all I could concentrate on was what was right in front of me.

One night, I won over $200 on a penny slot machine. I kept playing and lost it all. The rational thing would have been to stop right then and there but I didn't.

I would make deals with the machine I was playing. If I won so many times in a row, I would increase my bet. I would try to predict what would happen. I would find machines based on their graphics. Oh, look, it's a frog. Obviously I'll win. Yeah. Right. A couple of times I would see a machine that had a dancing penguin. Beth likes penguins. Beth is my friend. The penguin will bring me luck.

I am seriously surprised that I didn't wear all black and cover myself in mystic sigils and throw a few shamrocks into my hair.

It is so odd looking back at these last eight weeks. This person that I became, she's not me. It is not like me to become so irrational. I feel like I woke up from a bad dream. And fell into a worse dream because, of course, now I have to deal with the consequences of my actions.

Obviously, like all good tales, the heroine should have a learning experience. And here is what I learned:

1. I have some pretty awesome friends and family members who left comments that made me cry but in a good way.
2. I am not worthless and I shouldn't listen to that stupid bitch part of myself that likes to run me down.
3. Suicide is not the answer and all it would do is make Kari's life hell while she tries to deal with the fact that her sister was a big coward who screwed up and couldn't deal with it.
4. I am not alone. There are other people who deal with being bi-polar and having manic and depression stages all the time. There are also people that have to deal with financial situations that are worse than mine.
5. Skipping my pills, even for a week, is NOT a good idea. While I was taking my pills during this time, it wasn't until after I ran out that I started having the suicidal thoughts.
6. Kari, as usual, was right. I probably do need to be on a stronger prescription of Effexor. Or, like Suz suggested, see if there is something that will help control the manic stage.
7. I need to look into counseling. Obviously something triggered this and I need to find out what it was. I don't normally have manic stages and, when I do, they never last this long.
8. A budget will not kill me. It will make me stronger.
9. No matter how much I care for James, there is no way that I am ready for any type of serious relationship. I need to back off and re-evaluate my life and my goals before I can even think about being with someone. However, if he wanted to make out a lot while I'm doing this soul searching, I would be okay with that.
10. I should never lie to my friends and family. Honesty is the best policy.

Thanks for listening (or reading, I should say) and thank you for all of your well wishes and comments. I really appreciate them.

Back off, Depression, I'm so not in the mood

Okay. Yesterday I looked out the window and thought about jumping. It was a brief 2 second flash and I told that part of my brain to shut up and backed away from the window quickly. Keem is really mad at me for not telling her this because, to quote her, "Anytime you think like that, it's a BIG DEAL. What if you don't talk yourself out of it and something happens that I could have helped you try and prevent? You know that it's a problem. You need to reach out to people, not pretend it didn't happen and that it isn't a big deal. I don't want something to happen to you."

Today I cried when talking to my boss and my sister. But my boss gave me a number to call for counseling that NABABNA provides and my sister told me she had figured out what was going on and that she's going to take time off so she can take me to the doctor. So it's a good thing.

I have an appointment scheduled for August 2nd to see my old doctor again. I miss her. I never should have switched in the first place. Meanwhile, I am upping my dosage to two pills of Effexor a day - it will put me on the middle of the road dosage (I'm on the lowest amount you can take) and will help even me out a bit until I've had a chance to see Deb again.

I have messed up my checking account so badly it is not even funny. Can you say 8 overdraft fees? I knew you could. Thank God this is not a rent check. I might be able to get every thing back in order before rent is due.

It's really hard for me to admit to having a problem. I think it is because I don't like to appear weak. I try so hard to maintain appearences to the point of implosion.

I love my job but I hate it.

I love my life but I hate it.

I love me but I hate me sometimes.

I am so tired of crying. I am tired of hating myself.

I want me back. Any suggestions about time travel? If I could go back to about a year ago, I think everything would be okay. I would just make some different decisions.

Sorry to dump all this on you but it really helps if I stop pretending to be happy. I really hope you're all doing better than me.

Hello, I must be going

We had 99 calls holding this morning. It is so unbelievably busy that I am pretty much decided to work through my lunches. I'm in the planning stages of a new post but I don't have time to even think about it, let alone finish it.

Meanwhile, back on the ranch (where did I pick that up from?), I'm coming down with a cold or something. This weekend was an exercise in misery and I ended up not being able to go to karaoke last night. Which makes me sad. On the plus note, I did get a text message from Beth this morning. Apparently Char is going to buy me a bucket for Christmas (guess why I couldn't go to karaoke. Guess. I bet the bucket will be a good hint).

I'll be reading blogs as I can. I managed to read Beth's post today. I was impressed with myself.

To entertain myself, as I was listening to yet another person complain about our hold times, I worked on the following meme.

Melissa found this and I have shamelessly pilfered it. Because that’s what I do.

MEME-OLOGY

GRUB-OLOGY

What is your salad dressing of choice? Ranch and Blue Cheese but I have been craving Caesar a lot lately.

What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Do we consider Chipotle fast food? Because if we do, they win hands down. If not, I like Culver’s.

What is your favorite sit down restaurant? Manny’s Steak House and Ruby Tuesdays.

On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant? At least 20%, depending on service. If service is not good, probably around 10%.

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Grilled cheese sandwiches, quesadillas, steak

Name three foods you detest above all others. Tomatoes, raspberries, peaches

What is your favorite dish to order in a Chinese restaurant? Chicken and broccoli Mongolian barbeque. With peanuts.

What are your pizza toppings of choice? Sausage, pepperoni, black and green olives.

What do you like to put on your toast? Butter. I love bread and butter.

What is your favorite type of gum? Anything cinnamon. Not that I should have gum since I swallow it.

TECH-OLOGY
Number of contacts in your cell phone? I don’t know. 20 or 30?

Number of contacts in your email address book? Seven or eight?

What is your wallpaper on your computer? Work – a picture I took of some wheat strands reflected in water. It is yellow and green and soothing. Home – a picture of yellow tulips. It is also yellow and green and soothing.

What is your screensaver on your computer? Don’t have one. It used to be all of my pictures but, since my home computer hates me, it is nothing.

Are there naked pictures saved on your computer? No.

How many land line phones do you have in your house? Two. Technically three but only the answering machine works on the 3rd one.

How many televisions are in your house? Two.

What kitchen appliance do you use the least? This would be a question for Keem. This implies I cook.

What is the format of the radio station you listen to the most? Whatever has the least amount of talking.

How many sex toys do you own that require batteries? I’m ignoring this question

BI-OLOGY
What do you consider to be your best physical attribute? My eyes. I’m also fond of my hair.

Are you right handed or left handed? Right handed.

Do you like your smile? Yes.

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Wisdom teeth.

Would you like to? Like what? My liver?

Do you prefer to read when you go to the bathroom? I have a bathroom book.

Which of your five senses do you think is keenest? Smell. Definitely not hearing.

When was the last time you had a cavity? Not sure. That requires visiting a dentist.

What is the heaviest item you lift regularly? Eddy. He weighs at least 7 pounds now.

Have you ever been knocked unconscious? No. But I have passed out later from a head injury.

MISC-OLOGY
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? Oh, yeah, because I need something else to obsess over.

If you could change your first name, what would you change it to? Violet? Rain? Your Majesty?

How do you express your artistic side? Writing and hair color.

What color do you think you look best in? Red, orange, purple, yellow. Bright, bright colors.

How long do you think you could last in a medium security prison? Oh, I think I might make it for awhile. I can be quite amusing.

Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? No. I did, however, put a fish hook in my lip..

If we weren’t bound by society’s conventions, do you have a relative you would make a pass at? Oh, good Lord, no.

How often do you go to church? I don’t go to church. Organized religion annoys me on many levels. I do believe in God but I don’t feel the need to shove that down anyone else’s throat.

Have you ever saved someone’s life? No.

Has someone ever saved yours? Yes. My doctor by prescribing me Effexor. Beth and Keem for keeping me positive when I’ve been suicidal.

DARE-OLOGY
For this last section, if you would do it for less or more money, indicate how much.

Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000?
I’m not overly fond of clothing so possibly.

Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100? Are we talking tongue? Because how hard is it to just lean over and peck someone on the cheek or the lips. No biggie. If it’s tongue, then it would have to be Halle Berry.

Would you have sex with a member of the same sex for $10,000? No. I wouldn’t have sex for money.

Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000? No. I would have to relearn typing and that would be irritating.

Would you never blog again for $50,000? Of course not. That would be silly. How would I bring joy and love to the world if I quite blogging?

Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000? Oh, yes. Let’s just whip off the clothing right now. I’m sure so many people would be lining up to buy that magazine.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? No. $1000 isn’t worth the acid reflux.

Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000? Yes. If there was a reason to do it that didn’t involve money. Example – Adolf Hitler.

Would you shave your head and get your entire body waxed for $5,000? I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of the waxing. I would have to say no.

Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000? But how would I watch Lost? I could use the $25,000. Maybe I'd just read the transcripts.

If you want to do this, knock yourself out. I thought it was fun.

Questions for you and answers and other stuff

Question Number 1 - Why is it that a man can be attractive by conventional terms but the minute he takes his shirt off in a bar and walks around flexing his pecs that all you can think of is that he is (in Beth's words) "Tom Cruise Crazy (or TCC))" or in my words "Looks like Tom Cruise which IS NOT in his favor (I hate Tom Cruise)*."

No, we do not want to go to a pool party with you.

No, I don't want you to massage my shoulders.

No, we don't want you buy us a drink.

No, we don't want to watch you do high kicks and odd karate like moves and pick up your friend and almost drop him on his head.

NO, Becky does not want you to grab her face and try to (or succeed?) kiss her while you're walking out the door and she's walking back in.

*I have hated Tom Cruise for years. Ever since I had a friend who made me see Top Gun 453 times in the theater (okay, maybe more like 15 times) and Goose dies and Maverick lives and poor Meg Ryan is so devastated and it's just not fair. Maybe it's not a logical reason for hating him but I do. I have only been able to watch two movies with him in them with any modicum of enjoyment - Risky Business and Jerry McQuire.

Of course, now he's given me so much more reasons to hate him with his theory that I should just take vitamins and my life would be so much better. Screw you, Tom Cruise. You spend a weekend with me when I haven't picked up my Effexor and am crying over scrapbook layouts and sad karaoke songs. And what are you going to do when I throw you out the window because you irritate me beyond belief? Huh? Will your vitamins save you now?

Question Number 2 - Why is it always the wrong guy that flirts with you?

Dude. You seem like a nice enough guy. I can't really think of anything about you that annoys me exactly except maybe for the attempted conversation about how you won't go bowling with your nuts because that would be painful. I don't care.

Question Number 3 - Why is it always that the other guy that kind of flirts with you (who is kind of cute and you wouldn't mind flirting back with) is a) drunk and b) he has a girlfriend?

But hey, I can sing. According to him.

Question Number 4 - Why is it that the guy that you want to flirt with, the one that you want to grab by the lapels* and kiss, the one who you adore with every fiber of your being, doesn't flirt with you. And you can't really blame him for it because you don't have a clue how to flirt with someone that you like.

*So I taught myself how to read. I would find a word that I didn't know the meaning of and I would either look it up in the dictionary or figure out the meaning by the context in which it was used. In 4th grade, I was reading at a 12th grade level. The only problem, I have never been able to figure out the pronounciation key used in the dictionary or would decide that a word should be pronounced in what I thought was logical. So lapels, to me, should be pronounced lay-pels. Not LA-pels. Beth and Keem found this to be quite funny. At least I amuse my friends, right?

Answers to questions:

Paul Pike left a comment on a previous post - "Hello cousin of some unknown degree, removed. My mother is Jean Varnerin, nee Vittum. Her dad appears in the Vittum Folks on page 136 as "a daughter 753N, name unknown." This "daughter's" name is Stuart Alden Vittum. My name is Paul Alden Pike. You reported in a previous blogs that your father is Robert Earle Vittum. Who is his dad (your grandfather)?"

My father is not listed in the book, it was published a few years before he was born. I never knew my grandfather, he died years before my mother even met my dad. Relying on my wondrous sister, Suz (and feeling like a slacker for not knowing my grandparents names (my grandmother died when I was two)), I can answer your question now - His name was Ralph. He married Mary. I would love to get my hands on a copy of "The Vittum Folks" someday. Dad's dream was that I would continue where the book left off. Yeah. That's not going to happen. I can't even keep track of myself half the time, let alone a lot of relatives. But hello, Paul! It is nice to "meet" you, cousin o'mine. Isn't it nice to know that if someone is a Vittum, they're related to us?

DeAnn wanted to know if I missed "Last Comic Standing." The answer to that is YES! Stupid holiday prempting my program. But I watched last night and am pleased that Chris and Josh are going to the finale but upset that the finale is next week. What the heck is that? I need more comedy in my life.

Speaking of comedy and stand up comics, Liz had me absolutely rolling on Sunday.

Liz: I hate Carrot Top. I hate him. I cannot understand how he still gets work. And that upsets me. Because there are so many talented comics out there and he is taking work and money away from them. I want to kill him. I want to put him in a cylinder and break his legs so he will fit and then bury him alive with just his hair sticking out. And I will die it green so it really does look like a carrot top.

And that Kathy Griffin. Have you seen that D-list thing? She is horrible. There's no D-list. Wait. There is. It is my D-list. She is on my D-list. D stands for Death, Kathy!

I hate them so much that, if I ever find out that they are going to date and plan to reproduce, I will destroy them. But I won't just stop with them. I will eliminate their entire families. That way there will be no possibility of Carrot Top's brother meeting Kathy Griffin's sister at the funeral and having a baby.

DM: Bwahahahahaha (tears streaming down my face because I am laughing so hard).

Liz: See? You don't need glitter.* You have my insanity to keep you happy.

*Cleaned my half of the bathroom Sunday (under protest) and found my roll-on glitter. Applied it. Got crap about it for the rest of the night. Apparently not everyone is as fond of glitter as I am. I was explaining about not having taken my pills for a week and I was rather weepy and I liked the glitter because it made me sparkly.

Next week I'm wearing glitter and my crown. So there.

Hi, Becky!

Somedays I really love my job

So I had a shareholder walk in today. He wanted to sell shares. I looked at the certificate that he gave me. The name looked familiar. I asked if he used to teach and he said "Yes. How did you know that?"

Here it was Mr. Odean. I had three teachers that I really liked in high school. William Odean, Eileen Lambert and Roberta Johnson. Mr. Odean was my history and World Religion teacher and he actually made history interesting. He used to go on trips all over the world and bring the slides in to show us. He taught me that sarcasm was an appropriate form of humor. He was fantastic.

You don't really think about how much someone effects your life until you run into them years later. There are things I know about history and different religions that I never would have learned if not for him because I (amazingly enough) have a short attention span and had a hard time paying attention in class. He made it easy by just being so fascinating.

I think teachers are great. But really great teachers are even better. Kudos to you, Mr. Odean.

A Day In The Life - 4

So I was going to do the Day in the Life today, starting with what happened last night (this morning) at karaoke but we are extremely busy and I haven't had time to keep track of anything except for this:

9:45 AM Reach desk after walking up flight of stairs due to daily trip to Imaging window to see if there are any checks or certificates ready for customer pick up. Reach for inhaler. Take two puffs as needed. Put inhaler away. Start explaining to co-worker Rykken (coolest name ever for a guy) the procedure for calling a shareholder when we have a check or certificate ready for pick up. Realize that two puffs were not enough. Reach for inhaler again. Take two more puffs. Hear lungs protest the act of breathing. Contemplate another puff. Tell lungs that they are weak and you are not going to baby them. They tell you that they don't like you at all and you'll get yours. Call customer. Stop breathing during message left on answering machine. Panic. Start breathing again two seconds later. Listen to lungs give the breathing equivalent of "Nyahnyahnyah." Tell lungs to bite me.

So I'll probably try to do this later because I enjoy the Day in the Life's. If you're interested in reading a couple, you could visit Karin who is not a slacker like myself (well, this month). She is from Canada. And she likes karaoke. So therefore she is cool. And Beth, there are chickens! There is also Sheryl, who started the Day in a Life thing and who continously amazes me with her days in the fact that she a) maintains her sanity and b) is really, really, really funny.

I will bring you some trivia in exchange for the Day in the Life post. That'll be fun. Won't it? Yes. We like trivia.

Number of calls holding right now: 37.
Number of minutes people are holding for: 21:38.
Number of stupid questions I will be asked today: 4,556.
Number of times I have exaggerated in this post: 23 (that might be an exaggeration).
Number of times I was called by a name other than Dana by shareholders during the month of June: 35

Breakdown of said name calling:

Ana: 1 Angie: 1 Anna: 10 Danna: 6 Danielle: 1 Diana: 2 Diane: 1 Dina: 2 Donna: 6 Vanna: 1

And then there is the WTF names. As in how the heck do you get these names from Dana? I kind of understand Anna, Danna and Donna. I don't get Michelle, Sharon, Shirley and Suzanna (one time each). It's Dana. D. A. N. A. Day. Nuh.

Okay. My stupid break is over. Which is just wrong. Oh well. Only 1 1/2 hours to go. And then I am out of here like a bat out of hell (Sheryl mentioned meatloaf and I sang a Meat Loaf song last night so I now have meatloaf/Meat Loaf on the brain).

Like a bat out of hell, I something...something...something.

God, I miss my iTunes.

Trailer Park Queen? What happened to my Queen of the Universe title?

So last Thursday, a man that Beth and I are now referring to as Grizzly Adams, started talking to me.

GA: You're the karaoke girl.
DM: I suppose I am.
GA: You sing good.
DM (in my head: I sing well, not good): Thanks.
GA: You sound like Steve Perry. I think it's Steve Perry. Is it?
DM: Uh, sure.

I hightail back to my table to the relative safety of James, Bryan and Beth. I tell them about this.

DM: Do I sing like Steve Perry? Because, if I do, I really need to change my singing style.
Bryan: It's because you get so dramatic with your singing, Dana. You have to stop with the (makes dramatic gestures that some singers make when they get caught up in the moment (clenching his fists, etc)) gestures.
DM: Oh, yes, because I am all about the gestures (make some gestures of my own, in a "I am seriously mocking Celine Dion here" sort of way).

We have fun mocking different singers (Celine Dion, Steve Perry, John Bon Jovi) who do this. Apparently there are some, when using a hanging microphone, will actually cradle the mike with their hands and sing into it tenderly. See, for me, that's just kind of weird. When I sing, I lean up against the wall and that's about it. If I'm really into the song, I will kind of groove ("Give Me One Reason" by Tracy Chapman is a good example) a little. I usually sing with my eyes closed (If you have not yet seen "About A Boy" you need to go watch it right now. It's hilarious and the whole singing with my eyes closed will have no meaning to you until you watch this movie. Go. Right now. Then come back and read the post again and laugh at the above sentence because it'll make sense to you).

Occasionally I would look up and see Grizzly Adams staring at me. With that "Hey, baby" look. It was odd.

DM: Why? Why is it that the only men that acknowledge me are either scary or old? Why?
Beth (turns to James after a brief pause): This is directed towards you. You are supposed to acknowledge her.
James: Huh?
B: Because you are not scary or old. Well, you're old but not old old.
J: Does not compute. Electronic brain cannot make sense of this. Bloop beep sizzle.

With that, he falls forward onto the table and we realize that he's actually an android, incapable of human feelings at all.

Oh, wait. That didn't actually happen. I can't remember what he said exactly but it was not "They are attracted to your charm and great beauty, O Wondrous Queen of the Universe. Let me rejoice in the fact that I am the only man you adore."

Sunday night, I feel a presence near me at the end of the night and turn to look at the person standing near me.

DM: Ahhhhh!

Okay, I didn't actually scream. But I came close. It is a little odd to turn around and be staring up into the face of a tall man with an unkempt gray beard (and when I say unkempt, I mean think Mountain Man (hence the nickname Grizzly Adams)) who hasn't had a beard trim in years.

GA: Have you ever heard of a band called Trailer Park Queen?
DM: No.
GA: They're really good. They're a local band.
DM: Okay.
GA: Their lead singer is a woman and she could be your twin.
DM: Okay.
GA: She's a really good singer. So are you. You could be twins.
DM: Uh-huh.

There must have been some sort of desperate look in my eyes because Liz jumps in.

L: I have heard of them. They are good.
GA: Yes. So is she (indicates me).

He leaves.

DM: Okay. Why? Why, why, why, why?
L: Well, it is a compliment. They are really good.
DM: Yeah, there is that.
L: If he didn't have the beard and looked like James, would you be interested?
DM: Oh, yeah, I'd jump all over that.

Now, I was being somewhat sarcastic there because my attraction to James, even though I think he is the most attractive man in the universe, is not based on looks at all. But I'm not sure if Liz realized that.

L: Well, I suppose you could ask him to shave the beard and if he does, maybe it could work. If he cuts off the beard for you, it's a start.

Anyway, I suppose I'm going to have to check the band out. Their website is here.

And she may be my twin but let's just remember who the Queen of the Universe is, okay?