My new mantra

It used to be "Don't Worry, Be Happy." Hey, you have to admit it's a catchy song.

Then it was "I am not a feline dominatrix (old email address was badbadkittygirl)."

It changed to "Don't kill anyone. For the love of God, put the fork down." Well, mainly that was Beth, trying to keep me from breaking my New Year's Resolution.

My side bar lists one of my favorites - "Embrace Chaos. Adore Chaos. Give Chaos a big kiss on the mouth." I also enjoy "Some people march to the beat of their own drummer. I have my own percussion section."

But my new one, the one that has kept me from snapping and throwing things out the window (not a good idea when you live on the 26th floor) in a desperate bid to finally finish cleaning, was as follows:

"Screw the damage deposit."

Keem and I were sitting on the couch, trying to get up the energy to get in action for hour 8 of the 10 1/2 hours we spent in stupid cleaning mode yesterday, and one of would list off something that we needed to do.

Keem: I need to wipe down the light fixtures.
DM: Screw the light fixtures.

Brief moment while we drink some water and pretend it's a pina colada on the beach.

DM: I need to change that toilet seat.
Keem: Screw the toilet seat.

Brief moment where we giggled because we were incredibly punchy (exposure to lots and lots of bleach based cleaning products) and tired.

I also have another mantra. "I am never moving again. I am never moving again. I am never moving again."

I have decided that if Keem or I ever get married, our new husbands are just moving into this apartment. Or they can have their own apartment on another floor and we'll just make conjugal visits. Works for me.

But we're done. Except for moving the couch, two lamps and two stools, everything is upstairs. Scattered everywhere. But it's there.

Missy, if you could send Marco on over, I'd be forever grateful.

In response to Beth's question

Beth asked on the last post if we were all moved in. Here is my response.

Pfft. *Uncontrollable sobbing* Pfft again.

No. We are not all moved in. There is much stuff scattered throughout our apartment, the majority of it in my room. I see no end in sight. Because after the moving upstairs, there is the cleaning.

Dear God, the cleaning.

I am never moving again. Ever.

Just for the record, Beth, there's no way I can go to karaoke on Thursday. I am not even close to being done. Sunday, though, I'm there.

How is it possible to accumulate this much crap in 4 1/2 years?

Hello. I am somewhat moved in. Somewhat. Meaning not at all where I want to be.

Where do I want to be? In a spa. With a really attractive man that is trained in massaging. I am very, very, very, very, very, very sore right now.

Oh, and apparently, I'm allergic to dust. If I would have know this, I might have actually dusted my stupid room once or twice a week. How did I find this out? The gigantic horrifically swollen right side of my face. And my eyes starting to swell shut was kind of an indication as well.

I've smashed my fingers, dropped something on my foot, managed to steer a flat bed into countless numbers of walls (Kari finally said that I can't try to drive the flat bed until I get a license), was attacked by spoons (why I decided to put them on top of a box in the closet, I'll never know. You'd think I'd put them INSIDE the box) and amused my sister greatly when I tilted a laundry basket to move it and managed to spill all of the dust inside of said laundry basket over my face.

3 year old boys are very cute when they want to help you move. Unfortunately, they are not very helpful.

Yes, Eric did show up. I didn't have much doubt about this, especially after Kari stopped talking to him for a day.

50 ways to kick your brother-in-law's ass

Just hit him with a shovel, Dougal.
Shove him out the window, Joe.
Bury him in the back, Jack.
Make sure he's got an insurance plan, Stan.

I could go on and on.

The reason for this mangling of 50 ways to leave your lover?

I call my sister today to tell her what I want for Christmas. The really cool George Foreman Next Grilleration with the 5 (FIVE!!) removable cooking thingies (I believe they are called plates but thingies also works and one of them is even a waffle maker which is very handy because I killed our waffle maker the other day). My bother-in-law (spelling deliberate) picks up the phone.

Eric: Pat got me a free ticket to the game.

The game, for of those of you whose entire life doesn't revolve around football, would be a game between the Minnesota Vikings and someone else, possibly the Cardinals. I'm not sure what state the Cardinals are from. I only know about the Minnesota Vikings because I live in Minnesota.

This game takes place at noon and ends at 2 PM.

DM: Your point?
Eric: Why can't you move tomorrow?
DM: Because they won't let us in until Sunday.
Eric: But its a free ticket!
DM: Your point?
Eric: Kari! Your sister is on the phone.

I talk to Kari for a little bit. I tell her what I want. Fortunately she has also seen the commercial so I don't have to be very technical (especially because I keep referring to it as the Grillinator).

Kari: Eric can't help you move tomorrow.
DM: I heard.
Eric (in the background): I didn't say I was going to go. I said I was thinking about it!
Kari: You can tell what his priorities are. Apparently football is more important than family.
DM: I guess so.

I personally think this is revenge for the fact that he left the room yesterday and Gina (his step-sister-in-law (? Well, if his Dad and Betty ever get married) turned the channel from football to HGTV and I wouldn't let him change the channel back. He spent 3 hours watching various home makeover shows and was less than pleased.

There was also the comment I made later. That might have something to do with it.

Rob (Eric's Dad): Where's Eric?
Kari: I think he's in the bathroom.
DM: No, he's checking his reflection.

We all laugh. This occurs often. Eric is a tad vain.

DM: At least we know Eric will never become a vampire. He wouldn't be able to check his reflection out.

We laugh harder.

Eric: Yeah, I'm not helping you move on Sunday. Make a smart-ass remark, get a smart-ass consequence.

He'll be there. I know my sister. She can guilt anyone into doing what she wants.

A test of my ability to follow directions

Beth posted this after gleefully stealing it from Udge. Well, I'm assuming she stole it gleefully. That's how I steal my memes. And yes, I'm aware that the whole purpose of memes is to use them on your own site but I like to be different. You knew that, right?

The One Word Quiz:

You can only answer one word. No explanations.*

*You could also refer to this as The Quiz to drive Dana absolutely insane. One word? Please. Oh, and since there's a question here about my favorite book and it is more than one word, I will be printing it all together. So there. I'm a rule breaker, baby! You can't contain my madness!


1. Yourself: Sore
2. Your spouse: Pfft
3. Your hair: Greying
4. Your mother: Arizona
5. Your father: Dead
6. Your favorite item: Books
7. Your dream last night: Bizarre
8. Your favorite drink: MountainDew
9. Your dream car: ElCamino
10. The room you are in: Work
11. Your ex: Forgotten
12. Your fear: Irrational
13. What you want to be in 10 years: Retired
14. Who you hung out with last night: Karaoke
15. What you're not: Logical
16. Muffins: LemonPoppyseed
17: One of your wish list items: Money
18: Time: Long
19. The last thing you did: Typing
20. What you are wearing: Neutral
21. Your favorite weather: Budding
22. Your favorite book: Kane&Abel
23. The last thing you ate: Lunch
24. Your life: Odd
25. Your mood: Wistful
26. Your best friend: Spectacular
27. What you're thinking about right now: James
28. Your car: Nonexistant
29. What you are doing at the moment: Humming
30. Your summer: Fun
31. Your relationship status: Fictional
32. What is on your TV: Dust
33. What is the weather like: Cold
34. When was the last time you laughed: Today

You're all tagged. If you want to be. I can be flexible.

Sometimes I wonder where I get a reputation for being weird...

And then I agree to be interviewed for my company's newsletter and read the finished product and everything is made clear. For your reading enjoyment, I bring you 30 seconds with Dana Vittum.

Our exclusive interview with the Self-Proclaimed Queen of the Universe. Here is but a brief glimpse into that universe.

Q. When did your involvement with NABABNA begin and how did you get to where you
are today?
A. Started on January 10th of 2000. I left the dark-side to come to NABABNA phone center, and I worked in the phone bank for 4 plus years and then I came to Stock Holder Services in October 2004, that’s how I got here.

Q. What do you like most about your job?
A. I like the variety, I like the fact that I am not being screamed at by people with overdraft fees, who don’t understand that its not bank error. I like customer service. Its really a big thing for me, and I want to provide good customer service. I find that here, I have the opportunity to do so, but there’s also enough variety that I’m not getting asked the same question over and over again.

Q. Are there any hobbies you’d like to share?
A. OH gee, let me think, uh, karaoke, Thursdays and Sundays, you’re all invited, Sundays are better. Scrapbooking...I have a blog, I scrapbook. Did I mention scrapbooking? I might have mentioned scrap booking, but that’s very important. I like to travel, I went to Portugal a couple years ago. So I like to do stuff, especially road trips, they’re great because they involve taking pictures and that means scrap booking! I also like to read transcripts of television shows.

Q. What’s your favorite cubicle decoration?
A. Oh gee hmm...Frogs! Lots and lots of frogs and those are actually, I call them green duckies because my friend Beth, who’s a friend of Kim and mine, went out around Christmas and I love rubber duckies cause you can sing the rubber duckie song, and so I saw those and I was all happy and I’m singing the song to myself and I turn and see big rubber duckie eyes but they were green and I’m like {gasp} ‘green
duckies!’ and then Beth said, ‘No, Dana, those are frogs.’ And then she left Mervyns cause she was laughing so hard.

Q. What is my cost basis?
A. Unfortunately NABABNA (thanks, Beth!) does not calculate cost basis, however if you need to order statements I can help you with that.

Q. What’s something other people don’t know about you?
A. That I’m shy. [When nervous] I have a tendency to babble and just throw a lot of information out there. That’s how I survive. A lot of people, when I say that I’m shy, say I seem to be the exact opposite. I am also the self-proclaimed Queen of the Universe, most people don’t know that, but I’m not insane. I promise. That’s something else people probably don’t know about me, that I’m not insane.

Q. When you were a kid what did you want to be when you grew up?
A. A Super Friend, a gangster’s Moll, and a writer. I wanted to be a gangster’s Moll not because I wanted to rob banks but because I wanted to wear a polka-dot dress. I loved the 20’s, flappers and everything like that.

Q. Which Super Friend?
A I’m not sure but it had to be something to do with Aquaman and because I figured we were perfect for each other because I am a Pisces and he spoke fish, so it worked perfectly. But, you know, it never worked out.

Q. If you had 10 days to live and a million dollars, what would you do?
A. Go to Portugal. I love Portugal it was very European in feel, its not overly expensive. Kind of like Mexico, if you get can get money from somewhere else to live there its worth it. The people there are so friendly; I can’t tell you the amount of times people just came up and started talking to me in Portuguese because apparently I look Portuguese.

Q. Are there any additional pastimes other than the ones you already mentioned?
A. I’m addicted to the show Heroes you should watch it ‘cause its wonderful. Hiro is perfect, he’s Japanese, and he likes Karaoke and he quotes Star Trek, and he likes comic books. He’s just so perfect and he can stop time! That’s cool, I mean, that’s an awesome power. I like to read too, anything pretty much. Anything science fiction or fantasy, depends on the author. I like novels with dragons in them. Nora Roberts is my favorite author because she is a very suspenseful writer.

Note: Dana has more than 25 frogs in her cubicle.

If you haven't guessed, they pretty much just put a tape recorder in front of me and let me babble. This is verbatim (well, other than the fact that I really don't work for a bank called NABABNA).

GAR!

Beth is right. Sometimes it works to talk like a pirate.

So. If you offer telephone service, wouldn't you think that you would put, in BIG BOLD font, that you don't offer it in freakin' Minnesota so that the person who is calling you for residential service doesn't find this out after being transferred 4 different times? FOUR!

Anyway, my plan today was to get caught up on blogs on my lunch but obviously I'll be spending it Googling telephone services. I love Google. Why can't telephone plans be that simple?

Randomness, Thy Name is Dana

Hi. I have ten minutes to tell you about absolutely nothing. Why? Because I feel like it. It is fun to share my minutiae with others. It makes me feel important. Like using the word minutiae. Yes, here at Green Duckies and Other Tales of Dana, we're all about the lording it over others and making them feel like crap. Oh, wait, no, that's not me. That's someone else that works here at NABABNA and just received a promotion. She irritates me. Not because she received the promotion, mind you, because I didn't apply but just because she does. See? Random.

My shoulders and arms hurt. I feel as though I spent the last few days wrestling with someone (preferably someone who happens to be shiny and a former wrestler turned actor. No, I am not referring to Jesse Ventura (although I will admit to being somewhat attracted to him at one time). I am referring to my beloved The Rock) but unfortunately that is not the case. I am not sure why I am sore. Oh, wait, I'm moving. That could be it.

I have just used the term oh, wait twice in the same post. That is so wrong. Not wrong enough for me to actually change it but I want you to all know I am aware of this.

Did you know that Portugal is the main source of cork in the world? Did you also know that I miss Johnny? Speaking of cork, I bought a cork board the other day and it was thwarting me this morning while I was trying to hang it up on my wall and I was frustrated and may have possibly made sounds of frustration and turned to co-worker John and Rykken for symphathy. Did I get symphathy? No. I did not. Instead I received mocking. Mocking! I know. I am also very shocked.

DM: ARGH! My cork board is thwarting me.
Co-worker John: Ah (this is usually what he says when he is not sure how to respond to my oddness. He says "Ah" a lot).
Co-worker Rykken: Just how exactly is a cork board thwarting you (perhaps that doesn't sound all that bad to you but you should be aware that co-worker Rykken had the smile on his face. You know the smile. That mocking smile)?

I was able to triumph over the cork board eventually. It involved much ARGHing and the occasional poking of myself with a T-pin while co-worker John made soothing noises. Co-worker John did recently have a small child so he's very good at the soothing noises.

Keem and I went and saw two movies on Saturday - Flushed Away (very cute, recommend to both adults and children, the singing slugs are just the icing on the cake that this movie is) and The Santa Clause, the Escape Clause (which was cute, considering that I've seen all 3 movies but also not the most exciting movie ever, if you have to choose, go to Flushed Away. Right now. But not before leaving a comment).

Beth and I went to karaoke last night AND we actually sang. I know! I was shocked as well. It's been very slow on Sunday nights and last week we actually scrapbooked. We did again last night, for a little bit and, as Beth said, we have now managed to combine our two favorite activities. Then these two guys showed up. John and his nephew Corey. They sat through us and, since the rotation consisted of the four of us (with special guest appearances by Christina and some guy named Kurt or Kirk), I spent some time talking to the both of them. John is from California and was visiting Minnesota to deer hunt (poor baby deers! Run, baby deers, run! Preferrably not into traffic) and sing karaoke (although I'm not sure that was listed on his itinerary), Corey apparently lives in the area. They are both incredibly goofy, John more so, and it was a lot of fun watching them. There was a weird moment or two when John decided to sing "Hello, It's Me" directly to Liz for a little bit and then when he told Beth, Liz, James and myself to "Love one another. Take care of one another. That's the bottom line." Um, okay. As Beth put it, he's one of those drunks.

Well, that's it. Thank you for reading and I'll probably catch up on blogs tomorrow. Very busy today. Stupid Mondays. Stupid 7 AM (new hours).

Good afternoon to you

Eh. I can't come up with a better title.

I'm not even sure what I want to post about. Um, um, how about, no, that's stupid. Um...

Okay. I'm bored. I have no idea what I want to write but I feel vaguely guilty for not writing. Sadness.

Did you know, that even though there's not really that much wind, my sproingy pen that I bought in Wisconsin is bouncing? Probably not. And my Dory from Finding Nemo pen is sort of waving it's fluffy fake fur at me. You didn't know that? You didn't care? I am shocked. Shocked that you don't find this as fascinating as I do. Sigh.

Politically I'm doing okay. I'm not thrilled about Pawlenty being re-elected but pretty much everyone else I voted for was elected. That's good news, at least. Udge had a post today that made me laugh, I'd recommend you read it - about how a dead Democrat beat out a live Republican. Yay! I am not thrilled about Wisconsin's decision to pass a law about what constitutes a marriage. It not only prohibits gay marriage but also makes civil unions suspect.

I've been bored at work and have started making tiny magnets for the holidays. They are simple to make, take a glass beady thing (the type you would put in a vase, the clearer the better), take a word or clipart (either could be from a stamp or computer printed) and shrink it down so that it fits under the bead (usually 65% works on a copier), glue bead to paper, glue small button magnet to bead and paper and you have a quickly made, inexpensive gift that will make people ooh and ah over it (I know this because I've already given a few out today and received both oohs and ahs and the occasional "Dana, you are so thoughtful and great and wonderful." To which I replied, "But of course.")

Tonight is karaoke. I am looking forward to it because it is my last Thursday karaoke until after Keem and I move. I have way too much packing to do and refuse to give up Sunday nights. I cannot wait until this stupid move is over.

Oh, and those of you that might have been wondering, about the comment I made in the last post about stealing a knife for James? Yeah, it was at Manny's. He said, quite simply, "I like this knife." And I said "You want it? It's yours" and stuck in my purse. Quite subtly, I might add. I did the old hide it in the napkin trick which never worked for vegetables but works very well on cutlery. After dinner, we were going to do the exchange out on the street, when we noticed the cop waiting outside. Fortunately he was not there to arrest me for cutlery theft.

Hope you're all having a great afternoon! Vittum out.

NoBoPoMo or whatever you call it

Yeah, the problem about this posting daily? I don't have a computer at home. Amazing how I managed to forget that.

Anyway, had a good weekend. Keem and I went to our company party, that was lots of fun. It was held in this old building near our work that's been renovated and turned into a bar and restaurant. The food was fantastic and there was a hot bartender who actually dug through the trash to get me wine corks*. How can you not love that in a man?

*I collect wine corks because I am going to be making cork boards. It was not a random gesture on his part. But really, what could say "I adore you, strange but somewhat cute woman, let me dig through the trash for you" than him digging through the trash? After all, I stole a knife for James as a sign of my devotion.

We got our pictures taken when we first walked in and there was a nice surprise attached, well, actually two. One was that I looked fairly decent in the picture. Before you tell me to shut up, I am not photogenic. I know that. Yes, okay, I have some pictures that turn out okay but it isn't normal. The second surprise was that we received new frames with NABABNA inscribed on the bottom. Very nice looking.

Also, there was 3 seperate caricaturists and Keem and I decided to get one done of us, something to hang in the new apartment. After making sure that the caricaturist was aware that Keem and I are just roommates (many people assume otherwise and, after seeing the drawing she had done previously, I didn't want a bunch of hearts all over our picture), we settled in for the modeling phase. The picture was great. She drew us both as playboy bunnies and I'm giving Keem bunny ears. As Keem says "This is the best weight loss program ever! Look how skinny we are!"

Sunday I went to karaoke with Beth. Always fun. It has been slow for a few weeks so Beth and I came prepared, bringing some pictures along to plan scrapbook pages for. I actually planned 5 pages in about an hour, so much quicker than my usual staring at the page in despair, trying to figure out what I'm going to do. Beth is brilliant. She's the one that came up with the planning your pages and I am really going to enjoy this. We also spent time speaking to Nicki about religion and politics (set off by some woman deciding that she needed to "save" Bryan. Said same woman kissed both Beth and I when introduced to us and actually screamed when Bryan started playing this song she wanted. Screamed. Like a little girl. Good Lord) and moved on to really bad pick-up lines.

Around 1 AM, Dean, Liz, James and some guy named Doug (?) came up. We had fun talking to them and ended up staying at the Chalet much later than usual. The only song sung the entire night was by Dean. It was that slow. But fun. Fun is always good.

Hope you all had a great weekend.

A Molding Experience

This was going to be two posts but I decided to just continue on the first one and change the date.

There are moments in your life that are fleeting and barely memorable. Maybe that moment, a couple of nights ago, when you stumbled to the bathroom at 3 AM and tripped over the cat. The next day, it seems to only be a dream. But it does explain why Eddy keeps giving me the cold shoulder.

There are moments when the time stretches out and that 60 second episode seems to be more like 60 minutes or even 60 years. Like the afternoon I walked down 5th Street and a man suggested I might want to check my skirt.

"Why?" I asked. He just smiled and walked away.

A few seconds later my face was as red as the skirt I had accidentally tucked into my nylons.

And then there are those moments when you take the experience and learn something from it.

I've had a few such moments in my life. One, of course, would be the Fish Hook Saga. Lesson learned? Do Not Put Fish Hooks In Your Mouth! Your fishy brethren will not appreciate your sacrifice. And many people will laugh at you.

Another moment? The Tale of the Blue Stiffy comes to mind. Lesson learned? Besides the fact that male appendanges aren't actually blue, I also learned that there are some people who will lie and hurt you just for the fun of it.

And then there was this Friday. The day started out badly, my alarm clock decided to completely die and Keem was not overly pleased with me. I had a bad headache that wouldn't go away and decided to take a half day. I went and got my hair cut (this, fortunately, turned out well. It's really cute, if I do say so myself (and I do)) and the shampoo helped relax me and make the headache go away somewhat.

Beth picked me up and we headed off to Manny's, looking forward to an exciting evening filled with great conversation and wondrous food.

Here is where I had the opportunity to make a choice and, once again, made the wrong one.

It's time to order at Manny's. They have a salad that Beth and I both like. They take a tomato and slice it up and take an onion and slice that up. Beth eats the tomatoes. I eat the onions. On the side of the salad is a block of bleu cheese. I love bleu cheese. I take a nice big chunk of it.

Beth: I can't believe you eat that stuff.
DM: But I love it.
Beth: Dana. You're allergic to it.
DM: I'll be fine. I've had it before.

Yes, that's true. And yes, I am allergic to bleu cheese. Mainly because I'm allergic to mold. And I've had it before and nothing has really happened to me. So why not live a little, right?

Why indeed. The chunk I have chosen is veinier than the bleu cheese I've normally had. Plus, hey, our wedge salad is served with bleu cheese dressing. Why not pour a whole bunch of it over the salad and the bleu cheese chunk and then add some creamy garlic dressing for flavor (yummy)?

It was delicious and wonderful. And also a huge mistake.

Two hours or so go by, Beth and I are driving back to her place. I am not feeling good at all.

DM: Ohhhhhh.
Beth: Are you okay?
DM: I don't know. Ohhhhhh. That doesn't feel so good.
Beth: You know, I will take you to the hospital but then you're going to have to tell them that you willingly ingested something that you know you're allergic to.
DM: But it's so good! Ohhhhh.

We get back to her place, Beth does some homework, I sit next to her and she puts in a DVD of this show she's been watching, Fruits Basket. It is anime that her cousin sent to her. It is quite possibly the oddest thing I have ever seen in my entire life. It doesn't help that the first episode I watch is episode 22 about Prince Yuki's fan club and the lengths they will do to prevent another girl from being around him. "Oh, Prince Yuki, I am blessed and cursed to see your face." It was a little over the top. Fortunately the episodes did get more interesting and I fell a little bit in like with Kyo, one of the main characters.

Sarah comes over because Beth is helping her with her homework. We go outside to wait for her. Beth is talking to Sarah, guiding her to a parking spot. I stand there, my face pale, my stomach in turmoil and then it happened.

I stumbled over to the nearest bush and released some of the evil bleu cheese that was torturing me. As I'm wandering off, I hear Beth say:

Beth: Dana? Are you ok...Oh. Okay (To Sarah). Dana's throwing up now.

I head back over towards Beth and then turn quickly back around. The bush is blessed with a lot of steak. And, of course, the bush is also right next to a window so I'm sure that Beth's neighbors were thrilled to hear me yack. It was great fun.

When I was finished, Beth asked me if I was going to be all right.

DM: I think so. And the best part of this was that I didn't have to throw up in the bathroom and that means my knees aren't going to be really sore.

Of course, for the rest of the weekend, I felt as though I had broken a rib or two. That was some violent vomiting. I'm not going to mention the other side effects.

And I did not get a lot of symphathy at karaoke on Sunday when I told James, Bryan and Liz about the experience. I believe the general consensus was "Well, hello, you're allergic to bleu cheese. What were you thinking?"

Yet another lesson for the ages. Bleu cheese is bad. Yummy. But bad.

Happy NoBloPoMo

Sheryl at Paper Napkin has come up with the most awesome parody of a song ever and has written new lyrics to encourage us all to post daily during this month of November. You have got to read this.

And yes, I am passing this off as a post for today. It's been kind of busy and I didn't have time to write on my lunch.

Here, this will tide you over for a little bit.

I'm training a new representative so I'm listening to her calls.

Emily: Thanks for calling, Lenny.

She disconnects the phone.

E: Oh my GOD! His name is not Lenny. It's George (actually I think it was Jimmy but this is more fun).

Another call:

Stock Holder: Can I sell my certificates with you?
E (off of my cue): No, you would need to take them to a broker.
SH: Okay. What about my investment shares.
E (off of my look of horror): May I place you on hold for a minute?
DM: Crap! He can sell the certs through us.
E (back to stock holder): I'm sorry, sir, yes, you can sell your certificates through us.

She finishes the call.

DM: Well. That went great. No, yes, I mean maybe, Yes. I'm such a wonderful peer coach.
E: Well, at least he had a great sense of humor.
DM: There is that. And you didn't call him Lenny so that's good.