Friday, April 28, 2006

Berry Odd Conversations

In honor of Diana's last two posts about berries (and she is brilliant so if you haven't read them, you should - they are here and here), I thought I would write about some recent conversations I have had with Keem.

First of all, some background. Keem knows me very well. Almost too well. Sometimes it is scary how well she knows me and can tell me almost exactly what I am going to say before I say it. I like to say I am her practice for when she has children. She will make a good Mom.

The first conversation is, of course, about berries, because otherwise, the title would make absolutely no sense and we all know that I am about making sense (little or no sense but still, I am making some sort of sense).

Keem and I are in the car. Keem is driving (she refuses to let me drive. Something about that pesky needing a driver's license rule). She reaches down and takes a drink of water from a water bottle.

DM: What is that?
Keem: Water. I would offer you some but it is raspberry flavored and you don't like raspberries.
DM: I am thirsty. I want to try it.
Keem: Okay. But you're not going to like it.
DM: I might like it. You don't know.
Keem: Yes, I do. You will say 'Yuck.' And 'I don't like raspberries.' But go ahead.

I take a drink.

DM: Yuck. I don't like raspberries. They are evil.
Keem: I told you.
DM: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Keem: There is no blahing in the car. This is a blah free zone.

The next conversation took place at Target. We were shopping for groceries and other stuff. Keem had to visit the bathroom and told me to stay right where I was (apparently I have a tendency to wander) so I could watch her cart and purse. However, she had left me in the hair aisle which she was to later learn was a mistake.

Keem: I will be right back. You stay here.
DM: Okay.

Keem walks away.

DM: Ooh. Shiny!

I then proceed to place seven* seperate types of hair accessories in my cart. Barrettes, several types of ribbony things and a hair clip.

Keem comes back.

DM: Hi, Keem. What aisle are we going to next?

I start walking swiftly away. This was probably an error. Apparently I have a guilty walk because she somehow knew that something was up.

Keem: Dana. How many hair things did you put in your cart?
DM: I do not know what you are talking about.
Keem: Dana (although you cannot hear her, you should know she was using her "I am the voice of authority" voice here).
DM: Just a few.
Keem: Dana. How many?
DM: Seven.
Keem: That is too many. You do not need seven hair things.
DM: Yes, I do.
Keem: No. You do not. Let me see them.
DM: Fine.

We then looked at the different hair things. She holds up a pretty crimsony red ribbony cloth like thing.

Keem: What are you going to use this for?
DM: I am going to use it in my hair.

She gives me the look. You know the look. The one that says "Do not get smart with me, missy."
DM: I am going to use it when I wear black.
Keem: And this?

She holds up the black silky scarf thing.
DM: I can use it to tie my hair back and do fun things with it.
Keem: You can have one. Choose.
DM: But Keem!
Keem: Choose.
DM: You never let me have any fun.

I then receive another look. This is the look that says "Do not start with me because I will make you put everything back and we will go home right now."

DM: Fine (apparently I sound somewhat sulky at this time but I refuse to believe it because I am joyful and a harbinger of light (can a harbinger be for something good like light or is it usually for something evil? Let's go check, shall we? Cool. It is something that foreshadows so hey, I am a herald of light and all things spectacular (herald is a synonym for harbinger. Yay! I like synonyms even though I can't say the stupid word (synonym, not herald))).

Keem holds up the hair clip.

Keem: You can not have this hair clip. You have the exact same hair clip already.
DM: But Keem! That hair clip is black. This hair clip is pink. I have to have it.
Keem: Yes. Because you wear just so much pink.
DM: I wear pink. I am sometimes girly!
Keem: You can not have it.
DM: Fine.

Keem holds up the two types of barrette things.

Keem: Why do you need two types of barrettes?
DM: Um, actually, I'm not sure why I picked those (indicate blue flowery barrettes). They're cute but I have no idea when I'd ever wear them. I'll put them back.
Keem: Good. Now go put all this back. You may not buy any more hair things for at least a month.
DM: Keem! Will you just have some kids already?

*If you are like Beth and have done the math and have wondered why I said there were seven things but not actually listed seven things, that is because I have forgot what else I bought that day. But I am sure that it is very cute and I love it.**

**Oh. Actually, I remember what it is now. It was a bunch of elastic bands that I had to defend because Keem thinks I have too many of them but you can never have enough elastic bands. This way I have elastic bands at work, in my purse, in the bathroom, by my computer at home, by my bed, floating around in the apartment, etc.

The last conversation also took place at Target and also involved hair things. How shocking, right?

Keem and I are just about done with shopping. We came to Target to buy toilet paper. Important to have. We also did some impromptue grocery shopping. I have seen the hair aisle and I have resisted it. Well, to be honest, Keem has dogged my footsteps the entire way and has not let me anywhere near the hair aisle.

Keem: Are you done yet?
DM: Almost. Look. I have bought these spur of the moment olive oil and olive bruschette things imported from Italy. I must have some fun cheese product to eat them with. There isn't a fun cheese product in the deli as there should be so I am going to go to the dairy aisle.
Keem: Okay. I'm going to get some other things as well. I will meet you here.
DM: Okay.

I begin to wheel my cart away. I am tempted by the hair aisle but I have a feeling she is watching me. I do, however, manage to see shiny Kleenex dispensers and buy one which is practical because sometimes I sneeze at work and Kleenex is important.

Putting the Kleenex into my cart, I realized something. We had come to Target to buy toilet paper. And yet there was no toilet paper in my cart. Or in Keem's cart. Well, obviously I must get some. And the exciting cheese product (which was stupid cream cheese because I couldn't figure out what I was really in the mood for). And then, since Keem will otherwise occupied, I will stop in the hair aisle and buy more hair things and she will never know! Ha-ha!

Yeah. Guess how well that worked. I am in the hair aisle, trying to decide what pony tail thing I want to buy when I hear a voice behind me.

Keem: DANA. What are you doing?
DM: Nothing.
Keem: You LIE! You were supposed to get cheese and come right back.
DM: But I did. And then I thought 'Oh, we do not have toilet paper and that is why we came here so I must go and get toilet paper.' And I did.
Keem: And? Why did you not come right back?
DM: Because obviously, since I was a good Dana for remembering the toilet paper, I should get to buy a hair thing.
Keem: No. It does not work that way.
DM: But Keem!
Keem: Dana. We are leaving now. No MORE hair things. You do not need them.
DM: You are not the boss of me.
Keem: Perhaps. But I am the one that has the car. And if you don't want to take the bus, you will march to the checkout right now.

I start marching. Keem laughs.

Keem: Dork.

Just so you know, my eye is better. The cyst thing grew and then shrunk and then grew again and now is smaller and doesn't hurt so much but doesn't seem to be going away. This irritates me. Eventually there will be pictures. But we have been busy at work because the stupid people don't seem to realize that it is past tax season and there should not be any more calls about cost basis! and other crap.

Hope you are all well. I hope to be by your sites in the next few days. Ciao!