Monday, November 26, 2007

Why am I up at 5:12 in the morning? That's a great question, do you mind holding while I check into that for you?

Why? I'll give you 3 guesses. Here's a couple of clues.

He's grey. He's a cat. His name is Sebastian.


Anyway, since it's my shift now during Cat Watch '07, here's a meme that I gleefully stole from the lovely Miss Melissa.

Unnamed Meme

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night?

It was actually yesterday morning. Keem and I had the following conversation after watching Eddy start throwing the smack down on Sebastian. Oh, I wish I would have had the camera nearby. Eddy rose up on his hind legs in a classic karate pose (well, classic cat karate pose, I guess) and started flailing his paw. He didn't actually connect with Sebastian's face but it was hilarious, 3 very well excuted slaps.

DM: It's Eddy and his paw of...paw of...

I try to think of something, anything, witty but I am so damn tired!

Keem: Justice.
DM: Hee! The paw of Justice!

This makes us laugh for approximately 15 minutes. All the way down to the car in the elevator. Into the car. On the way to work. It's not that funny but we are sleep deprived.

As Keem pulls out of the parking ramp, we are assaulted by the sunlight. You know, since we've been working this shift from November 1st, you'd think we'd be aware of the fact that the sun is gong to be out there, lurking, just waiting to catch us.

DM: Argh! Bright! Bright! Can't see!
Keem: Blind! Tears! Paw of Justice!

We dissolve into hysterical giggles again. Until I start coughing.

Keem: Don't die, Dana. I would be sad but I wouldn't be able to cry. Because of all the tears from laughing.

And that sets us off again.

2. What were you doing at 0800?

Well, since it is now 05:37, I'll have to say that yesterday at 8 AM, I was trying to sleep. And failing. Because of CATS!

3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?

Sleeping. The sleep of the just. Until Keem woke me up and told me it was my turn to deal with HIM (that would be Sebastian, just in case you've not noticed the running theme here).

4. What happened to you in 2006?

Um...let's see. Do I happen to have a handy post that talks about what happened in 2006? Why, yes, I do.

5. What was the last thing you said out loud?

SHUT UP, damn it! Do you understand that I have to sleep? Do you? Why are you torturing me like this? Why?*

*I bet you can't guess who I said it to.

6. How many beverages did you have today?

Lots of water. A can of Mountain Dew, a can of Diet Coke, a can of Squirt (I like to live on the edge). A thing of Mountain Dew with supper. Diet Coke would be a lot better if it tasted like Mountain Dew.* And before anyone tells me I shouldn't have Mountain Dew because I'm diabetic, let me just tell you this. I am too tired to not have lots and lots of caffiene. Caffiene is my friend right now.

*Don't recommend Diet Mountain Dew. It tastes horrible.

7. What colour is your hairbrush?

Yes, because my hairbrush color provides such deep and meaningful insight . But it's purple.

8. What was the last thing you paid for?

Dinner from Hot City Pizza. Yummy hoagies.

9. Where were you last night?

At home.

10. What colour is your front door?

It's door colored. Brown, I think.

11. Where do you keep your change?

In Pig. Or Pigette. Depending on whichever one of them looks the hungriest.

12. What’s the weather like today?

Dark. Cranky. Tired.

Oh, weather, not my mood. Um, dark? Cold. Possibly snowing today.

13. What’s the best ice-cream flavour?

Haagen Daz Light Mint Chocolate Chip. Yummy.

14. What excites you?

Right now, I would have to say sleep. Or it could be my upcoming marriage to Co-Worker Jaime.*

*I proposed to him yesterday. But he's allowed to date. I'm done with that stuff. And we're not going to live together. I just want to get married before I die.**

**Yes, it's a joke. Although he is amenable to Bryan marrying us.

DM: Bryan would have to marry us.
Jaime: Who's Bryan?
DM: My karaoke host. He's an athiest minister.
Amber: What exactly does an athiest minister talk about?
DM: Um, love? I guess?

Then I tried to explain about the Church of the Angry Frankensten Monsters. My co-workers think I'm weird now.

15. Do you want to cut your hair?

No. I already cut it. It looks okay.

16. Are you over the age of 25?

Uh, yeah. By 15 years.

17. Do you talk a lot?

Well, Keem tells me to use my inside my head voice a lot so I'd say yes.

18. Do you watch the O.C.?

No. I have enough shows to watch. Who else is excited that American Gladiators is coming back besides Keem and I?

19. Do you know anyone named Steven?

Not to my knowlege.

20. Do you make up your own words?

Yes. Mainly by combining words - shup (shut up), vant (vent/rant).

This amused me today.

21. Are you a jealous person?

Of what? People who are sleeping right now?

22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘A’


23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘K’


24. Who’s the first person on your received call list?

Unknown Caller

25. What does the last text message you received say

It was from the cell phone company.

26. Do you chew on your straw?

Why would I chew on my straw when there are perfectly good pens around here.

27. Do you have curly hair?

No. My hair hates me.

28. Where’s the next place you’re going to?

Hopefully bed.

29. Who’s the rudest person in your life?

Probably me. I can be bitchy and have no filter sometimes.

30. What was the last thing you ate?

Hoagie from Hot City.

31. Will you get married in the future?

Unless it is to Co-worker Jaime, probably not.

32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks?


33. Is there anyone you like right now?

How to you mean this like? Is this friendship like because I have tons of those people. If it's romantic like, been there, done that.

34. When was the last time you did the dishes?

The dishes are not on my chore list. Unloading the dishasher is. I'm a little behind on that.

35. Are you currently depressed?

Yes. That's what Effexor is for.

36. Did you cry today?

Not yet. I will if Sebastian doesn't shut up soon.

37. Why did you answer and post this?

Needed something to do while I tried to convince Sebastian to be quiet.

Cat Side Story

You know how I said in my last post about how Enchanted was a great movie if you believed in fairy tales & that people should burst into song and dance at any provocation?

Last night that happened to me. Not exactly people but suddenly there was a production of West Side Story taking place in my living room. Starring cats (in case the title didn't give it away). Eddy defending his turf, taking the role of the Jets. And Sebastian (my sister Kari's cat who is staying with us while she, Eric & Josh are visiting our mother in San Diego) aptly playing the Sharks.

It could be that I was very tired, having been dropped off by Beth at 3 AM this morning. It could be because I ran out of Seroquel on Friday night and Saturday night (technically Sunday morning at 7 AM) I relied on Tylenol PM which meant that I was up at 1:30 PM on Sunday. It could be because that I'm slightly insane.

But there was Eddy, lying in the middle of the living room, allowing me to pet him until he stalked off through his brown tuby thing (with pink trim (I've mentioned that I'm really fond of the brown/pink combinations, right?)). Maybe he was trying to hide but the tuby thing also makes a lot of crackling noise and Sebastian came into the living room. Eddy's movements became more dramatic as he stalked through the tube. I seriously thought he was going to start doing the dance to the Jet song.

Eddy and Sebastian circled around each other. There was some hissing. There was spitting. There was the flailing of paws in each other's directions (they didn't actually touch each other). I was waiting for Sebastian to start singing "Keem!!! I just met a girl named Keem!!!" but then I remembered that Sebastian was supposed to be the Sharks and so he couldn't be Tony.

I mentioned that I was really tired, right? I would try to sleep and then there would be a crash or a hiss or something. And Keem kept sleeping through it. I'd get up, go and lecture them. Tell them that they were cousins and needed to start getting along. Pet them an equal amount of time so they didn't get jealous of each other (please. Like that worked). So it's not that weird that I would start imagining a bunch of orange cats singing "Gee, Officer Krupke." Right?

At about 5 AM, I probably had been asleep for about 15 minutes (only because I put a blanket over my head) when Keem called my name.

Keem: Dana! Go deal with Sebastian!
DM: What's he doing?
Keem: Jumping on my bed, meowing piteously and then jumping off and walking away.
DM: Oh, yeah. He does that apparently. I told you he was a talker.
Keem: That's fine but I need to sleep!
DM: Please. You completely missed Cat Side Story.

I then demostrated Eddy's odd ballet like stalking motions. Keem told me I was insane. Sebastian finally shut up at about 6 AM when he found his way into Keem's closet. He likes closets.

I talked to Kari today (after I realized I let my entire immediate family go off to San Diego without finding out where they were staying. Fortunately they all have cell phones) and she said that Josh is already saying he doesn't have a kitty anymore. Kari told him that no, that wasn't true. Eddy and Sebastian are cousins and so they're just having a sleep over. I think it is very amusing that we both refer to the cats as being cousins (and Mom loves it when I refer to Eddy as her grandcat (not that she acknowledges him in any way. He is bereft of grandmotherly love)).

I mentioned I was tired, right? This post may have not made any sense.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Holy WTF, Batman!

A few days ago, Keem and I were in Target. I needed to get socks. As I was in the socks area, I saw something that I thought was a cute patterned pair of socks. As I got closer, I realized that it wasn't a cute patterned pair of socks. It was something horrible and disgusting and just completely wrong.

What was it? THIS! This travesty!

Leg warmers! Leg WARMERS! Oh my God. Have we gone back to the 80's suddenly? Will I suddenly see people using an entire can of hair spray to make their hair as big as possible? I hated the big hair fad. It required actually having skill with using a curling iron.

Today I walked into my office, intent only on heating up my beloved Jimmy Dean breakfast buscuits for breakfast. One of my co-workers approached the area. I noticed her outfit. White t-shirt, denim mini-skirt, red high heel shoes and ACK!! Cringe!

Red freakin' leg warmers.

DM: What are you wearing? How can you be wearing leg warmers? How?
Co-worker: They're back. They're back in style.

No. No, they are not back. They never should have been here in the first place. And they're back? I'm sorry, but I associate those words with Poltergeist or the Terminator (although Arnold actually said "I'll be back" but that's not the point).

And this was an email that somehow got past my spam detector at work. I was somewhat amused.

"Bad enough," noise said harm jump degree he; "hard work and not a kind word spoken." sin Now, then, I was again happy; I nail now spit took current only 1000 drops of laudanum per day; and what was that? A l spilt Without glass buy balance a grave, unknelled, uncoffined, and unknown." "Dear me, how spade sad! Do you search mind theory division telling me your age?"

It's almost poetic.

Have a good weekend, my lovelies. I am going to go scrapbook with Beth Saturday night. It'll be very fun.

Oh! And I saw the best movie ever yesterday. If you believe in fairy tales and that dreams can come true and that there should be the possibility of people just breaking into song and dance at the slightest provocation, then you will love Enchanted. It was very, very, very cute. And there was a big dance number in Central Park!

Keem (after big dance number): I want to press rewind.
DM: Me too.

Monday, November 19, 2007

I love my job

I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.
I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.
I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.
I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.

I am not overwhelmed and pulling my hair out by the roots. Really. No, really. Cutting my bangs (again) doesn't count. And yes, I did use a mirror this time. Unfortunately, if you are leaning over the desk to look in the mirror, it means that your bangs do not get cut evenly at eyebrow level. Try jagged and about 1-2 inches above eyebrow level. Matt (old boss) suggested that perhaps I should have learned my lesson the last time I did this. Apparently I did not. Right now my hand is inching towards the scissors so I can just cut the back so I don't look like I have a mullet anymore. But I'm really afraid of what would happen. Maybe if I just put it in a pony tail and I'll forget it is there, thwarting me. Or maybe I could just cut off the pony tail...hmm.

I think my hair needs an intervention. And, oops. The hands won. It's a lot shorter in the back now. Keem is going to kill me.

But really, I love my job. I do.*

*Yes, I really do but co-worker Jessica just told me that she's going to be out of the office from end of day on Wednesday until December 7th! Oh my God. I'm in charge of everything!!!!!! GAH! Where the heck is my inhaler??? Or a paper bag?

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

How to torture a cat. A photo (and video!) essay.

A month or so, Keem and I were in Target. Super Target to be exact (cooler than regular Target, less evil than Wal-I don't get what happened to them, they used to be a decent company when I worked for them but then, apparently they became incredibly greedy-Mart (kind of a long name)). As we are wandering down the cat aisle (well, actually, I wander. Keem usually has a very specific agenda in mind. 8:15 PM Enter Target. 8:17 PM Drag Dana out of the scrapbook section. 8:19 PM Tell Dana that, no, she cannot buy a book. 8:20 PM Enter cat food aisle), something catches my eye.

DM: Keem! Keeeeeeem! Look!
Keem (long suffering tone): What?
DM: Look! It's a tie!

And it is. It's the most adorable collar ever, fashioned into the share of a tie.


Keem: Cute.

She is intrigued and decides to investigate the other great things in the cat aisle, the things that she misses because she's always in a hurry.

She finds the hat. It's fashioned like a lion's head. The perfect thing to make your cat wear on Halloween.


Yes, we bought them. What is the purpose of having a pet (or a small child for that matter) if you can't dress them up in stuff that they will hate?

We debate whether we should work up to the full torture (hat and tie on at the same time) slowly or do it all at once. After much decision (5 seconds), the unveiling ceremony takes place. This is done by convincing the cat to come and investigate the newest toy that has been bought for him (he is spoiled. But that could be because I can't actually walk down the cat aisle without buying him a new toy).

And then I grab him. Notice the laundry in the background of this picture. It was there for about a week.


First the hat must be applied.


Then the tie.


There! Doesn't he look absolutely adorable?


Video number 1. Keem is supposed to be taking his picture.

And now, the releasing of the lion kitty into the wild.

And the picture of how his collar and hat got completly reversed.


If you're wondering why my eyebrows are red and blue, it was because it was red and blue day during customer service week. Hey. There were prizes involved. I have no shame.

In other news, I found out my Uncle Jerry died on Monday morning. He was my mother's brother and I credit him for being partially responsible for my sense of humor. Between him and my father, I learned to really appreciate sarcasm. Rest in piece, Uncle Jerry. You were an awesome, awesome man and I'll always be thankful for knowing you. Apparently my Aunt Rita is not doing very well, she is ill and also just lost her husband of 53 years. Keem also has a friend of the family that was diagnosed with cancer recently. Any prayers or thoughts for them would be greatly appreciated.

I'm sorry. I couldn't resist

Your Native American Name Is...
Nukpana Chepi

Your name means: Evil Fairy

Sometimes Blogthings scares me. But, hey, an evil fairy has to be way cooler than an evil genius, right? Plus Beth has this crazy idea that evil geniuses have to understand how logic works in order to function.

Oh! And I love Overheard in the Office, especially for stuff like this.

Yeah, and Scrambling the Data. Nice Work!
By Djlindee on Dumb Employees

Sales rep #1: Here's that spreadsheet. I hid the columns you didn't need so it would fit on one page.
Sales rep #2: How did you do that? I have been cutting and pasting all this time!
Sales rep #1: Cutting and pasting?
Sales rep #2, pulling out three pieces of paper, cut and taped together to make one big spreadsheet: See? I cut and pasted!


Overheard by: What!?

I have worked with people like this. Seriously. Excel isn't hard!

Monday, November 12, 2007

NABLOPOMO officially kicked my ass and my cat is a total dork

I tried. I really, really did. But what it all comes down to is that I started running out of things to say. And then the things that I were saying just weren't funny. And since my purpose in life is to be funny, I had to let it go.

And speaking of funny, here is a conversation had with Keem this weekend.

Scene: Laundry Room
Characters: Keem, Dana and Janitor Lady (JL)

Keem: Dana!
DM: Yes?
Keem: The random cat toys in my laundry cart have to stop!
JL: Bwahahaha!
DM: What? You're kidding.
Keem: No. No, I am not.
DM: But how does he get it into the laundry cart?
Keem: I have no idea.
DM: Weird.
Keem: Last time it was the white fluffy one that he loves. I found it after I washed the clothes so I had to throw it away.
DM: You threw away the white fluffy one? How could you? No wonder he's been so forlorn lately.

Yes. Apparently the cat toys are not clean enough for his majesty, Edmund. It's bad enough that he demands the fresh ice water and the cat treats mixed properly but now the toys have a specific cleanliness standard.

Oh, and this morning? He was so trying to scam extra wet food from Keem by looking all sad and neglected by his dish (I feed him the wet food in the morning, Keem feeds him when we come home). Plus, he eats better than us because he gets Fancy Feast Elegant Medleys. Dang Cat.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Puzzle Updates

Last weekend wasn't overly exciting. Keem and I did make a trip to JoAnn's where I bought some scrapbooking paper and other crafty things. We were going to do laundry but both of us hate doing laundry and will usually put it off until the very last minute. Because, you know, if you hate doing something, you should just wait until you have a ton of it to do. That makes sense.

Sunday Beth picked me up and we tried to decide what we were going to do. Beth called James and he said he would call us if he and Liz decided they were going to go out. Meanwhile, Beth drove around and we talked. We decided to head to her apartment and scrapbook.

However, once we got there, the plans changed a little bit. Beth was drawn to an area in her apartment. An area so filled with trepidation and danger that I was a bit frightened. Yes, it was the card table and on the card table was a gigantic puzzle that Beth had been working on for awhile. She had made a lot of progress since I had been over the weekend before.

Unable to help herself, Beth took to moving the puzzle pieces around while I decided to go scrapbook. And that's when things got a little weird.

Beth: I found a piece.
DM: That's good.


Beth: Do you know how many pieces I've found since my last puzzle update?
DM: No.
Beth: One. One piece.


Beth: That's it. I've had it. Pieces, you will arrange yourself. I'm closing my eyes.

I look over. She has her eyes scrunched shut similar to Hiro on Heroes when he is trying to teleport.

DM: If the pieces start flying around in the air, I am going to be really freaked out.
Beth: I am opening my eyes.

The pieces, oddly enough, resisted Beth's exhortions and just laid there on the table.

Beth: Damn you!

The rest of the night was filled with laughter and many puzzle updates. I believe there may have been a total of 15. There was also the occasional curse.

Beth: So what did you do Sunday night? I worked on a puzzle. Wow.
DM: We have such exciting lives.

Disclaimer: This took place last Sunday and I have a hard enough time remembering what people said 5 minutes ago. I may not have quoted us properly. Sorry about that.

And you know, somehow this post is not as exciting as I thought it was going to be. Maybe you had to be there but the frustration in Beth's voice was hilarious. You know what else is hilarious? The fact that she organizes her puzzles pieces in little stacks based on color. Instead of just leaving them scatter all about the place like I do. Although that might explain why she actually finished the puzzle and I have yet to finish more than the border of one. Hmm. I may have to try this stacking thing.

You still have an opportunity to hit me up for a present this Holiday season.

Oh, Udge is doing this and I am all about peer pressure and giving things to people so
the first five commenters to sign up for the meme here and post the same promise on their blogs will receive a small present-like thing from me. It will help jumpstart the holiday spirit for me. You will have to provide me with your real name and address but please keep in mind that I don't drive and so probably would not be able to stalk you. Unless I am able to convince the Greyhound bus driver to circle around your house obsessively. I think that's unlikely. I have
no idea what the small present-like thing will be but I must warn you, there is the chance you could receive a monkey sitting in a chair. I can be very strange. Just ask Beth.

Leave me a comment. And you know, I think I'm okay if you've already done this with someone else. I like to give presents.

Oh, and if you are wondering just exactly a monkey sitting in a chair looks like,
click here. I maintain that it was a highly creative, non-boring gift. Beth maintains that I obviously go shopping while indulging in lots and lots of crack.*

*Beth has never said this. I like to exaggerate. I know you are all shocked at this.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Yesterday I was overwhelmed, today I am sick

Well, I have learned something today. I learned that I accidentally doubled my dosage of glusophage and I was taking 4000 MG instead of the 2000 MG I was supposed to take. Also, I thought, hey, maybe I should check the side effects of this stuff because I haven't been feeling well lately.

Side effects:

Low blood sugar (um, isn't that what I'm trying to go for?). Signs include anger, shaking, fast heartbeat, confusion or sweating - well, other than the sweating, this doesn't seem to be a problem.
Belly pain - check (although it rather feels like someone is trying to cut my stomach out with a very dull spoon)
Nausea or vomiting - Nausea, yes. Vomiting, thank the good Lord no.
Diarrhea - check (lucky, lucky me! This is fun! Everyone wants this!!! Oh, wait, no, they really don't)
Not hungry (please. I wish).
Metallic taste (no, but I usually associate the metallic taste with blood and fortunately I don't have any of that in my mouth).

I really want to go home. Just so you know. I have figured that most of this didn't start until I, like the big idiot that I am, started doubling the dosage (and that was only because the pills I had before were 500 MG and Deb suggested I take 1000 MG. Do not ask me why I thought that the big pills and the little pills were the same size. I do not understand it either). So hopefully this means that going to the correct dosage will alleviate my symptoms. Hopefully.

Oh and someone just told me that our insurance company has decided to stop covering Effexor. They'll only cover generics. There is no generic for Effexor. So I can either work with my doctor to find some happy pill substitutes or I can start paying full price. That doesn't suck at all.

Anyway, to stop complaining, I want to mention the meme from yesterday is still continuing.

Oh, Udge is doing this and I am all about peer pressure and giving things to people so
the first five commenters to sign up for the meme here and post the same promise on their blogs will receive a small present-like thing from me. It will help jumpstart the holiday spirit for me. You will have to provide me with your real name and address but please keep in mind that I don't drive and so probably would not be able to stalk you. Unless I am able to convince the Greyhound bus driver to circle around your house obsessively. I think that's unlikely. I have
no idea what the small present-like thing will be but I must warn you, there is the chance you could receive a monkey sitting in a chair. I can be very strange. Just ask Beth.

Leave me a comment. And you know, I think I'm okay if you've already done this with someone else. I like to give presents.

Oh, and if you are wondering just exactly a monkey sitting in a chair looks like, click here. I maintain that it was a highly creative, non-boring gift. Beth maintains that I obviously go shopping while indulging in lots and lots of crack.*

*Beth has never said this. I like to exaggerate. I know you are all shocked at this.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

I am slightly overwhelmed BUT! I bring you a meme

I just sat down with my new boss Cheryl (formerly my old boss Cheryl but new boss Cheryl left the department and then I got promoted and am working for old boss Cheryl again. Try to keep up, people) and the other QA monitor, co-worker Jessica, to discuss what my responsibilities will be with my brand new, exciting position. Apparently cloning myself is involved because the list of tasks that I have is, well, more than one person can do in a 40 hour work week. Which is why Jessica was telling us that she goes home and works for another two hours each night. Um, yikes.

I am sure that once I actually learn how to do all the tasks, I'll be able to calm down. And I am excited that I get to work on exciting projects, involving working with Excel and Word. This is good. I like both of these things. But for now, I'm unable to formulate sentences that actually make sense so I will not be telling you about my exciting weekend and Beth's puzzle updates*. That will have to wait for tomorrow.

*Don't you just love it when I leave you hanging like that? I know you are avidly waiting to know what this is all about.

Oh, Udge is doing this and I am all about peer pressure and giving things to people so the first five commenters to sign up for the meme here and post the same promise on their blogs will receive a small present-like thing from me. It will help jumpstart the holiday spirit for me. You will have to provide me with your real name and address but please keep in mind that I don't drive and so probably would not be able to stalk you. Unless I am able to convince the Greyhound bus driver to circle around your house obsessively. I think that's unlikely. I have no idea what the small present-like thing will be but I must warn you, there is the chance you could receive a monkey sitting in a chair. I can be very strange. Just ask Beth.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

I cannot believe I never posted this - thank God I obsessively save everything I ever write in Word

This is from awhile ago, during Tax Season, to be exact. Ah, Tax Season. How I do not miss you, let me count the ways. One - you're really, really annoying. Two - I hate you. The End.

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 9:45 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Argh!

Make the calls stop!

From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 10:02 AM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Argh!

I would like to do so but unfortunately, your request cannot be completed because it is Tax Season, also known as Hell.

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 11:31 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Argh!

Make tax hell stop!

From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 11:33 AM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Argh!

Um, last I checked, I was not the Princess of Darkness so I can't. As Queen of the Universe, unfortunately, I do not have any dominion over the Underworld.

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 11:46 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Argh!

You are not the queen of the universe. Never have been, never will be. So, you don't have any control whatsoever! :P

From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 12:33 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Argh!

You are mean. You won't let me throw my Ninja Cranberries at you.*

*Ocean Spray has these awesome commercials where there’s an older guy and a younger guy standing in a cranberry bog. The younger guy is kind of goofy and, in my favorite commercial, says “I think Cranberries are the Ninjas of the Fruit World.” And then he does this high kick and makes a martial art sort of sound. Cracks me up every time. Keem had come over when I was eating some Craisins and I wanted to throw them at her and make a martial art sort of sound. I am partial to “Wa!”

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 12:34 PM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Argh!

I repel your ninja requests. You are not Ninja, therefore, you are unable to repel the Ninja cranberries. Besides wiich*, an inanimate object cannot be animate. It is an Oxymoron. Part oxy, part moron….wonder where the moron part comes from….

*that is an actual typo. It is not as fun as "You are igonring me" in which I replied "I do not know what an igon ring is or how to to igonring someone. As for ignoring you, no, I was in a call." Igonring is now in our weird Dana/Keem vocabulary (in which Keem (Kim) is a part of. And wuter (water). And many other words that come and go, mainly created by me because I am weird. In case you didn't know that.
From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 1:31 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Argh!

Ha. Ha. Ha to your moron part. I am not trying to repel the Ninja cranberries. And, according to your statement here, if I am not Ninja, you are also not Ninja so therefore YOU can't repel the Ninja cranberries! Ha!

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 1:36 PM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Argh!

What part in what I said states that I will repel the ninja cranberries using some sort of ninja move? I have a notebook. I can swat the ninja cranberries. You are reading more into what I said and it is not implied that I would use some sort of ninja tactic to repel said ninja cranberries. I am resourceful and do not need special ninja abilities to repel something unwanted. Ha!

From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 1:38 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Argh!

You said and I quote "I repel your ninja requests. You are not Ninja, therefore, you are unable to repel the Ninja cranberries." This indicates that you are repelling my Ninja requests. And that since I cannot repel the Ninja cranberries, therefore you cannot repel the Ninja Cranberries. It is simple logic.

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 1:59 PM
To: DM
Subject: HA!*

I can repel them if I wish. I have a protective, invisible force field that allows me to repel the ninja cranberries and any thing else ninjaish. So there!

*Notice how she changed the subject line? We do that a lot. We have been known to change the subject line five or six times in one email conversation. Sometimes we just send emails with no text, just subject lines. I do believe I mentioned we were weird, right?

From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 2:40 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: HA!

How did you get the protective, invisible force field? I don't have a force field. I want one.

Mr. Calitri* is not a ninja so you can not repel him.

Oh, I was thinking you should name your chicken Eggs and your pig Ham. So you would have Ham and Eggs. Or Hamon. I kind of like Hamon.

*Mr. Calitri is my chicken. In order to irritate Keem, sometimes I will thrust him at her and tell her that he wants to kees (kiss (I like ee's)) and peck at her. She hates that. If you were wondering just what exactly Mr. Calitri looks like, you can check my profile picture. And read this post, because it will explain a little more the oddness that is me.

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 3:07 PM
To: DM
Subject: RE: HA!

I like Ham and Eggs. That's pretty good. I'll consider it.

From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 3:16 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: HA!

Oooh! To really change it up, you could name your pig Eggs and the chicken Ham! That would be funny.

Sarah named her fish Chicken*.

*She did. Can you believe the length my friends will do to keep up the chicken conspiracy?

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 3:23 PM
To: DM
Subject: RE: HA!

That's funny too. How about fish and chips? Or white meat and the other white meat… hee hee.

From: DM
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 3:24 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: HA!

I want you to know that I had to miss a call because I was laughing over white meat and the other white meat. That is hilarious.

From: Keem
Sent: Monday, February 05, 2007 3:23 PM
To: DM
Subject: RE: HA!

Yeah, well I almost busted a gut in the call because of your email pop up about laughing.

It is good to have this type of insanity to take place during Tax Hell. Hopefully I won't have to actually take calls this year. New promotion and all and yet there's still that chance that it might be required. Grr.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Why I adore flea

As you may or may not know, I am not a parent. There's a really good reason for this. Namely, I'm not a kid person. Don't get me wrong, I can admire children from a distance. I find my nephew to be the most incredibly wonderful child in the Universe (I am only slightly biased). I even enjoy what is referred to as a "mommy blog" on occasion (which actually really drives me crazy. I read certain blogs because they are entertaining and edifying and enjoyable. The fact that the blogger also happens to have children doesn't mean they should be lumped into one category. Because believe me when I tell you that all "mommy blogs" are not created equally. If you're to go under that assumption, I should be lumped into the "cat owner blog" category. Which, actually, kind of sums it up but only if you put insane in from of cat).

Anyway, I actually had a point. Here is what it is.

This morning I pulled up a post written by flea at One Good Thing. Seeing a post by flea on bloglines is always very exciting for me. She's an incredibly talented author and can make anything interesting, including, but not limited to, a long battle between her and the most evil light bulb ever known to mankind.

Today's post made me cry. I'd like to suggest that you read this post because I feel that what she did was heroic. It also makes me want to travel to the Chicago area and kick some ass. I'd like to suggest that you read it because otherwise the rest of this post will make absolutely no sense.

I know there are people like this is the world. I know that there are bad parents and personally, I think that everyone should have to take a test before they are allowed to have children. There's a reason why I have chosen to be child-free and that is because I know my limitations. I know that I am impatient and moody and kind of a bitch sometimes. I know that I can lose my temper easily when I am tired and that I can get cranky. So it makes me angry to hear about these people who obviously didn't think the whole child thing through. If you don't want children, don't have them. If you get pregnant by accident, for God's sake, give the baby up for adoption. There are so many good people out there who want kids.

I hope that these people come across the post flea wrote and it makes them realize how pathetic they are. Maybe they'll learn to treat their child with respect. Or maybe, just maybe the system will work and he'll find a home where he is valued.

Okay, have to go back to work now. Sorry for venting but I just couldn't let this go by without saying something.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

I am on the mailing list from hell

I have one credit card and one loan. Somehow this has prompted mailings from roughly 5,000 different creditors who all want me to open up a credit card with them. Including the people I have a credit card with already. I do not need any more credit, people! I am not a responsible adult! My sister is in charge of my paycheck and I have to clear purchases with her. In effect, this means I have an allowance. Stop sending me these things!

Although I was really tempted by the Barnes and Noble credit card. Because books are pretty. But I have remained strong.

Also I made a donation to the World Wildlife Fund. Because animals are also pretty (and I love pandas). I am now getting hit up for every single bleeding heart animal organization that exists. I like animals. I like them a lot. But I can't save them all. And then today, today I checked the mail (only check it every few days) and there was the letter from the Sierra Club. Who wants me to stop the Bush organization from destroying the Giant Sequoia trees.

Trees? I love trees! I adore them! I hug them every chance I get! Way to apply to my weakness, people!

God, I am such a sap. Next thing you'll know there'll be a Save the Books organization.

4 down, 26 to go. I'll try to come up with something more exciting tomorrow.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Not exactly what she had in mind

So my sister called the other night and left a message for me.

Kari: Hi. I just wanted to let you know that there's a diabetes fair on such and such date and you can find out more information on their website.

I know she means well, I know that Liz and Beth and everyone who nags yells expresses concern in a very nice way means well. And I appreciate that. But I have a very interesting (read sarcastic) sense of humor and this was my response to the message.

DM: Ooh! A fair! Maybe they'll have cotton candy!*

I haven't told Kari this. I'm quite sure she will hit me. Beth laughed when I told her about it on Thursday night.

*I hate cotton candy, by the way. I do not understand the point of taking sugar and making it fluffy and pastel colored and then giving it to small children and then wondering why they are bouncing off the walls. Because they are children and you gave them SUGAR ON A STICK! What were you thinking? Plus I used to make cotton candy at one of the most horrible jobs ever and I hate the smell of burnt sugar.

Day 3. It's a miracle. It really helps that this year I have computer access at home.

Friday, November 02, 2007

The weekend update - updated!

Can't come up with a creative title. This is very sad. I tried to find other creative church signs to use as a title but I kept running into the church sign generator which, while funny, is not what I was looking for.

Day 2 of NoBloPoMo. And the continuation of my weekend o'scrapbooking. I sense your excitement.

Sunday Beth and I went to her Dad's house for dinner. We enjoyed pizza and cheesecake (her's was topped with a birthday candle). We also watched several episodes of Law & Order and CSI:.

DM (about some guy (McCoy?) on Law & Order): That guy has very unfortunate eyebrows (they were horrible! They were almost squarish).

After this we met up with Dean and James at Brady's.

DM: I don't think I've ever been to Brady's.
Beth (laughing): Yes, you have.
DM: Oh. Is that where...?
Beth: Yep.
DM: Maybe I'll have to fake another asthma attack*.

*Background - back a long time ago, Beth and I ended up at Brady's to meet this guy that she really, really liked. Instead, we found Pete, his annoying friend. Pete makes no mention of the fact that THE BOY had to work early the next morning. He does proceed to hit on Beth all night. Because I hate to see my friend suffer, I decided to fake an asthma attack. Details are here. I still think I should win an Oscar for that performance.

Apparently the boy is there (In case you're wondering, he has been demoted in Beth's affections and that is why the font of his fake name has changed. They never did end up going out and Beth realized that he really wasn't the right guy for her). I do not notice him. I do see Pete later on in the evening and manage to avoid eye contact.

Dean and James arrive (do not refer to them as James and Dean. They hate that) and we spend some time talking about stuff, the usual stuff we always talk about. Which means everything and anything. There is also time spent by my telling James that I did not like him and especially do not like him (I wanted to say "the fact that you are scruffy and that makes me want to bite you" but refrained). I'm not sure why I was mad at him but it's James and he can be so irritating at times. It was probably when he got upset at me for saying that I thought Halle Berry was a good actress. Beth and Dean decided to hightail it for the bathroom then. This is the problem of being friends with a man who takes movies so seriously. He often gets upset over what I deem a good movie. We occasionally agree but a lot of time is spent with me saying "Oh, I liked that movie" and him saying such things as "No, you did not" or "Really? Really? You did not say that" or "Perhaps you should never talk again."

Dean brings up the fact that he doesn't like scary movies and I mentioned that I was frightened by Scary Movie 3. Dean and James are highly amused by this. Beth is already aware of it. We tell them about the time we went to Vegas and stayed at the Luxor and watched this movie. And then I had nightmares. And then, the next morning, there was this scary, scraping noise on the windows.

DM: And it was awful! There was this scraping and then this filmy shadow and I was afraid of opening the window, especially because there was sunlight out there!
James: Why would you be afraid of opening the window?
DM: Because I was worried Beth would burst into flames.
Dean: Hahahahaha! Give me some.

He makes me do that weird bumps thing that I've never really understood.

DM: The only reason I know that Beth is not a vampire is because she eats garlic*.

*Well, I've never actually see her drain the blood of a human either but you never know...she was enthusiastic about seeing what her blood sugar level was this weekend. And couldn't believe that it took me forever to get up the nerve to poke myself.

We got to spend quality time in "the kennel." Since stupid people decided that smoking was bad and you can't do it indoors anymore, all smoking has to be outside. Dean and Beth were willing to join James and I outside so we could infect them with second hand smoke. They're cool like that. Brady's has rigged up this dog cage with heat lamps. It's actually kind of cool looking and it is comfortable, there are tables and chairs outside (of course they are metal so I imagine this will get pretty cold in a month or so). You can still smoke at casinos but that really could have a negative impact on my wallet so don't think that's going to be an option.

Monday, we went back to Beth's mom's house where we ate the best sloppy joes ever and watched Heroes. Finally Hiro kissed what's her name. About time.

While watching, Mohinder's boss came on the screen. Bob is kind of a schlumpy guy with a receding hairline.

DM: Unfortunately sometimes evil is not hot.
Beth: True.
DM (to Beth's mom who is looking perplexed): I have a thing for bad guys. Usually they're the most attractive*.

*Case in point - Sam Rockwell in Charlie's Angels. When he was the nice, kind of nerdy computer guy, I had absolutely no interest in him. The minute it was revealed that he was the evil mastermind and did that hot little spin while wearing the sunglasses, I was totally intrigued.

Afterwards, Beth drove me home and I tried to sneak into the apartment but Eddy made that very difficult with his trying to climb into the IKEA bag and my suitcase. Keem was not pleased to be woken up.

And that is it. The excitement of my weekend. I know you are all totally thrilled by this.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Don't take life so seriously. No one gets out alive anyway.

This is from a church sign Beth and I saw. A church sign. How awesome is that?

Today is day 1 of NaBloPoMo. Mainly what this means is that I am insane and decided to post every day this month. Every single day. Yes, I gave into peer pressure. Okay, no one actually pressured me but there were shiny banners and I succumbed to temptation.

Anyway, my weekend was awesome. I use the word awesome a lot. You may notice this. Do you know why that is? Because I grew up during the eighties and adore Barney on How I Met Your Mother. He uses the word awesome often. He also refers to things as being legendary but I'm trying to resist that one. Beth picks up mannerisms from our friends. I quote television. Sometimes I quote television shows that haven't been on for years. Such as Star Trek: TNG. It's very sad.

Beth picked me up Friday and we went to Minneapolis to the Best! Restaurant! Ever! I did have the Bludgeon of Beef. I also stole from the restaurant. I am so ashamed. For some reason I decided that I absolutely had to have the mini Coke and Diet Coke bottle that Beth and my refreshing beverages were served in. I am using them as small vases for my fake Gerbera daisies. They are quite cute, actually.

Beth (and Liz at one point (as I am sneaking the empty bottle into my purse)): Dana, I'm pretty sure you don't have to steal them. I'm sure they just recycle them.
DM: It's more fun this way.

I may not have actually said that but I was thinking it. And yes, I am a dork.

After Manny's, we went over to Beth's mom's house for a little while. Neither Beth or I are quite sure why but we did get to pet the dogs and cats and chat with her mom. Then it was off to Beth's for the begin of the exciting weekend o'scrapbooking.

Some notes about scrapbooking, for those of you not in the know. What you do is you take pictures and then apply them to albums. But not photo albums because those will ruin your pictures. No, you apply them to special albums which are archival safe. And you also can use stickers and embellishments and lots of other cool stuff to make your pictures look awesome and tell a story.

Do you know what the most important part of scrapbooking is? The pictures. And yet, I do not have any developed. I'm working on my Portugal album (note that I went to Portugal in 2005 and it is now 2007. Almost 2008). Not having pictures makes this a little difficult. But I did make some pages. They're pretty cool looking. They would probably look better with pictures.

Saturday Beth and I decided that we needed to go through a rite of passage that every one must experience at least once in their life. We went to IKEA. Beth needed frames (because she develops her pictures) and I had heard of the wonders of IKEA from Keem so we journeyed to Bloomington or wherever the Mall of America is located.

IKEA is roughly the same size of a small air terminal. And it is filled with stuff. Glorious stuff. Inexpensive stuff. Stuff as far as the eyes can see. This was probably the most fun I have ever had in a store in a long time (I worked 10 years in retail. In a mall. At Christmas time. I don't really like shopping that much. It stems with that whole not really liking people. Shopping is great but unfortunately you have to share the store with other people. That's annoying). We're not really sure how long we were there. It was sunny when we went in and dark when we left. They have these really cool shopping carts that have wheels that spin in all directions so the cart smoothly turns the way you want it to go, instead of locking its wheels and laughing as you try to push it along. It almost felt like I was dancing.

Later on, of course, when Beth and I were in IKEA overload and laughing at the silliest things, we began to feel that we were drunk. The cart helped to encourage that thought. When you find yourself spinning around in circles in the middle of a store, there is probably some sort of drug involved. Maybe they put something in the Swedish meatballs.

Eventually we found the sign for the checkout and headed that way, only to be confronted by a gigantic warehouse. And, fortunately, a bench.

Beth: How long are we going to sit here?
DM: Until my feet stop hurting. So maybe next year.

I bought several frames and a lamp and some other stuff. Beth also bought stuff. Stuff is good.

More on my exciting weekend tomorrow! I know you can hardly wait!