Monday, August 08, 2005

What Would Happen? - Updated

Remember here when I used a quote and offered 50 points to anyone who got the answer right with out googling (or yahooing)? Remember? No? Well, it's too bad that no one answered this because you lost out completely on a wonderful prize package and...oh, yeah, like I have a wonderful prize package. I still can't figure out how to burn a stupid CD or get someone who happens to live in Portugal (who could that be) send me her address so I can mail her the very cool Pink Panther magnet I bought for her back in April and then forgot to bring to Portugal.

Anyway, the quote is from "So I Married An Axe Murderer" which is, quite frankly, one of the best movies ever made. Mike Myers is brilliant and you should all go watch it right now. I have spoken. I'll wait. Oh, okay, you can read the rest of the post now but I expect to hear all about how you enjoyed the comic genius of Mike Meyers and how much you are grateful to me for suggesting that you see the movie (Beth, no, I do not expect you to watch this movie. You and I have completely different tastes in movies and I think you might smack me. Plus, you did watch "Big Trouble" with me. However, I seem to recall being forced (I kid, I kid) to watch "Casablanca" and "Gone With the Wind").

The quote pretty much explains how I am feeling right now. I'm smitten. I'm in deep smit. I don't want to be, I am fighting against it with all my power (and, as Queen of the Universe, I have a lot of power (oh, hell, no I don't. I am a weak and ineffectual Queen but you all love me so that's enough to keep me going on those days when the other Queens are mocking me (my God, I am weird, aren't I?)) because it has been so long since I've actually really liked a guy. You may be thinking "But, Dana, that's just not true. What about Bobby? And Data?" And then I will shake my head sadly and say "Oh, Internet, you just don't understand me, do you?"

There was nothing serious about my slight infatuation for Bobby, I just really liked his hands and it was fun to pretend that there was this huge faux romance going on. I mean, seriously, who would have a lime studded wedding dress? And the whole Data thing? That wasn't serious either. It was just a slight "Hmm? I wonder." Because, let's face it, I have been out of the dating game for many, many years so there is no wonder that I would have the occasional twinge at the sight of some decent hands or the wonders of a scruffy bearded face. Another way of putting this would be that they are merely eye candy.

Rachel asked me what the worst would happen if I told Gil that I liked him. This was my response to her:

"Hmm, the worst that could happen. Let me count the ways.

There were two men that I told them how I felt - one was the previously mentioned guy I used to work with. His name was Michael and he was Greek (probably still is, now that I think of it) and I adored him. He was an English teacher and incredibly smart and actually encouraged me to read Kafka (which I hate. I'll stick with Nora Roberts, thanks). Anyway, he was leaving the major call center because he got a job teaching and I couldn't just let him go without saying something so I wrote him a letter. On his last day, he gave me a big hug, thanked me for the letter and very subtly informed me that he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend. Not so devastating, I could deal with it. It was rejection but it was a nice way, you know what I mean?

The last guy I asked out, a man I refer to as the Cream Puff Man, had flirted with me constantly. He would come over and talk to me when he was leaving and spend 20 minutes talking to me about everything and nothing. He leaned (remember While You Were Sleeping?), he flirted, everyone was convinced that he liked me. So finally I decided to ask him out. You know what he tells me? "I don’t date people I work with." Um, hello? What the heck is that? Then don't flirt with me, asshole! It's just as well because all of my friends hate him and I had this particular idiosyncrasy where I would think of him and slap myself on the forehead. That is not conducive to romance.

So, yeah, I'll just wait a little and see what happens first. But maybe I'll let him know soon. Maybe."

The thing is that, yeah, I really like Gil. Well, duh. But the problem is not so much that I want to make a move on him or the fact that I am obsessing over whether or not he is even aware that I am female. The problem is that here is a guy that I find funny and brilliant and attractive. Here is a guy who makes me smile whenever I see him, even when he is vanting about some of the strangest things (can't say, will reveal his secret identity if I do), who makes me laugh, who likes a lot of the same movies and books that I do, who my friends like and approve of, who not only likes to read but would not criticize me for reading what I like (dated a guy who decided I was stupid because I didn't read books that he thought were worthwhile. Jackass), who, well, pretty much is the epitome of everything I have been looking for in a man without me even realizing it. And you might be asking yourself, why is this a problem?

But the thing is that here is a guy who is my friend and an important part of my life now. What if something happened to ruin that friendship? Although I do feel the butterflies every time he brushes against me or gives me that slightly crooked smile, is that electricity that I haven't felt in forever worth throwing away 8 years of celibacy away on something that I have no idea if it'll work (Not that he's throwing himself at my feet, begging me to sleep with him but you know what I mean, right)? Because, honestly, I don't think I could handle not having him as a friend

Things were less confusing when we joked about my boyfriend being Quagna. Or that I wouldn't meet The Guy until I was 90 and in the nursing home. Or when I was still in denial about liking Gil in the first place.

Rachel was trying to convince me that I should act upon this, let him know that I find him attractive using body language (I'm pretty sure she was kidding when she told me I should lick my lips seductively when singing. And I'm pretty sure she mentioned hip waggling). I told her that I couldn't do it. I was frozen. Just call me the Ice Queen of the Universe. I can't act on this. And it's not just because I've done it before and it didn't work out well.

It's because all I know is that if you told me right now that I had the chance of a brief, passion filled, exciting, romantic encounter with him and then never talking to him again or spending the rest of my life without him ever knowing how I feel but we would always be friends, I would choose the friendship. I would rather participate in his life platonically than not be a part of it at all. So what does that mean? I'm not sure. I don't think I want to think about it anymore. Maybe I need to go back to being in denial. Gil? Who's that? I don't fancy him one bit.

Anyway, our title comes from the Meredith Brooks song that I've tried at karaoke a few times. Beth used to sing this song a lot but hasn't been lately and I really like it. I think it is the 2nd sexiest song I know (the first would be "Kiss Me" by Melissa Etheridge). It happens to be very fitting. What would happen?

I promise to have a post about something that does not revolve around Gil in a day or two. Really.

August 9, 2005 - Okay. Me again. Slight vant here, nothing major. Went online this morning. Went to My Way to see what the weather was like in Portugal since I had a few minutes talking to Johnny (right now it's 73 degrees. I could deal with it). Saw my horoscope.

Now I realize that astrology is by no means an exact science. I also realize that when someone (in this case, writes a horoscope, it is being marketed to millions of people and is not going to be accurate and concise and directly to the point. But would you please tell me what the hell does this mean?

"What's most important is not picking the 'right' path, but picking any path, period. Yes, it is crucial that you make decisions that take all the pros and cons into account, but if you hesitate too long, it'll be moot -- the decision will be made for you. So take a deep breath, turn around three times, and then point in the direction that you think you should go. Most likely, it will be exactly the right one for you."

Hello? Vague much (I think I might watch too many Buffy and Angel reruns)? If I knew what direction to point to, I wouldn't be this frazzled!

I need a horoscope that will say "Dana. Today, in your quest for wuv, twue wuv, you will find the perfect opportunity to tie Gil down and lick his neck. Go for it!" Or it will say "Dana. Gil is not the right guy. He is a good friend and should stay that way. You will be single for the rest of your life. Sorry."

Is anyone else laughing over the fact that I am probably the most spontaneous woman in the universe and yet I'm complaining that said universe is not ordered exactly the way I want it to be?

What Would Happen - Meredith Brooks

Electricity, eye to eye
Hey don't I know you
I can't speak
Stripped my senses
On the spot
I've never been defenseless
I can't even make sense of this
You speak and I don't hear a word

What would happen if we kissed
Would your tongue slip past my lips
Would you run away, would you stay
Or would I melt into you
Mouth to mouth, lust to lust
Spontaneously combust

The room is spinning out of control
Act like you didn't notice
Brushed my hand

Forbidden fruit
Ring on my finger
You're such a moral, moral man
You throw it away, no question
Will I pretend I'm innocent


I struggle with myself again
Quickly the walls are crumbling
Don't know if I can turn away