Thursday, September 30, 2004

Even a Queen of the Universe needs an Arch-Nemisis

A few people have asked about the Cream Puff Man. What can I tell you? He is more Spock to my Kirk than Beth ever was, is or will be. He is UberSpock. He is evil and putrid and I hate him. I hate him with a fiery passion than consumes my body with fire and hatred and passion and ooh! God, I hate him.

Why is he called the Cream Puff Man? My absolute favorite movie of all time (I have favorite movies for different genres, this trumps them all) is The Imposters. I love this movie. It combines silliness on many different levels with excellent acting and Stanley Tucci. Have I mentioned that I love Stanley Tucci? Sigh. His smile, his eyes, his ability to have hissy fits, ah, Stanley Tucci, you are the master. And Oliver Platt is also in this movie and I also love him but not as fervently as I love Stanley Tucci (I have many different degrees of love that I'm not even sure how I keep them all straight).

Anyway, long story short (too late), Oliver Platt and Stanley Tucci are Maurice and Arthur, starving actors. My favorite scene is when Maurice (Oliver Platt) visits Kramer's bakery. The plan is to insult the baker and then Arthur (Stanley Tucci) will come to the rescue and be rewarded with baked goods. Maurice insinuates that the pastries are not fresh. The baker offers him a cream puff. Now, Maurice is starving so he inhales the cream puff and then has to pretend he hates it. However, the baker is not insulted and, when Arthur steps up to defend him, ticks the baker off and Maurice is the one who ends up defending the baker. He chases Arthur off and the baker wishes to reward him. Maurice asks him for a cream puff. The baker replies "Oh, no, you hate the cream puffs." Okay, maybe you have to see it but I love it (there is a point to this. It comes later. I'll highlight it for you).

I had absolutely no interest in Cream Puff Man. None. Until one day, while I was waiting at NABABNA, he came up and started talking to me while I waited for Keem. I was playing a computer game. He had been headed out and decided to talk to me. Unbeknowst to me, Keem and Beth walked up behind us and stood there, watching. Apparently, 20 minutes went by in which Cream Puff Man and I were talking about really stupid stuff. After he left, Beth and Keem come over and start saying "Oh, he likes you. You like him. He must like you, why would he spend 20 minutes talking to you about nothing? Why was he grinning like that?"

I thought they were crazy. But then I thought about it. He did spend an awful lot of time seeking me out. When I went to check the mail, I always made sure I went by his desk. If he wasn't there, I felt like something was missing. I noticed when he wore blue. I liked it when he wore blue. Did I like him? No. Couldn't be. And he didn't like me. I told Beth he was just a cream puff! I didn't like the cream puffs. She didn't get it. I explained what I meant ( Sometimes I get a little weird for even my friends). Then, shortly after this, he came up to me when I was leaning over a counter, casually talking to my team.

Have you have seen While You Were Sleeping? When Bill Pullman leans up to Sandra Bullock and says "There's leaning and then there's leaning?" Yeah. So I got leaned. Nothing major, just this sidling until his arm was resting right up against my arm. I sit there for a second. My mind does this internal processing thing that it tends to do every once in awhile.

  1. Hmm. It's Cream Puff Man.
  2. Cream Puff Man's arm is touching mine.
  3. Do I like this? This arm touching thing?
  4. Oh, my God, I think I do. I think I like Cream Puff Man (oh, that's it. For the remainder of this post, he's Puffy). Oh, my God. This is so wrong.

During this same time, he also allowed me to go through his wallet and let me borrow his Barnes and Noble card. I tried to talk him into giving me money but it didn't work.

There was the occasional glance, the half smile, the fake arguments. The song "Let's Give Them Something To Talk About" took on new meaning. There was flirtation. Actual flirtation. I am not making this up. I have witnesses.

So the thought of Puffy was lodged in my brain and I couldn't get it out. This was bad. So bad that I actually thought "Hey, I'm tired of this. I'm a happening chick. I'm going to make a move ( No. I did not actually think that I'm a happening chick. I don't actually talk like that. Well, not much anyway)."

Yeah. That was a mistake. He tells me he doesn't date co-workers. Okay. Then why the hell do you flirt with them, jackass? What the hell is that? Again, I have witnesses.

Anyway. It's been well over a year since I made that blunder. Today was the last day I will ever have to see him again. Believe me when I say it did not take me long to get over Puffy. I think it was a record for me, all of two hours. I was on serious crack. I walked around for weeks, smacking myself in the head and saying "What was I thinking?" Actually, occasionally I will still do it. All anyone has to say is "You liked Cream Puff Man." To which I will reply (after smacking & saying WWIT?) "No. It was a hallucination brought on by the massive amounts of crack I was apparently smoking."

It's good that he rejected me. I was able to move past the fake image I had of him and recognize him for what he is - a guy who thinks he's right about everything, continually mocked my sense of logic (which is lacking, I will admit, but should not be mocked) and has the hardest time admitting he was wrong. And the funny thing is, I'm not bitter about this. I knew who he was all the time. I think I just liked the idea of him "liking" me. It took me a long time to realize I don't need a guy to make me happy. Apparently, during the Puffy experience, I took a detour on the What Was I Thinking? train to the Crack Station. Now I'm back in the slightly insane, charmingly askew universe of which I am Queen. I am happy to be here. Someday, there will be the right guy for me. I can guarantee the first thing I'm doing if some guy tells me he likes me - he reads my blog. And all my friends will have to approve of him. They were really glad when I was over Puffy. There were cries of rejoicing. It's probably not a good sign when you mention you like someone to a friend and they almost throw up, huh?

Previous Comments:

At 4:06 AM, DeAnn said...
I was getting my movie references all mixed up, because I was completely thinking of "Ghostbusters"!!

At 5:04 AM, brooksba said...
Oh Dana, Dana. You are lucky to no longer see Puffy. You never needed him. For the record, the idea of him liking you was not originally mine, I'm just the one who passed the word onto you. Remember a certain banker, silly, fun, sarcastic, and looked a little bit like Conan O'Brien (oh, remember his shoulders... Oops, side-tracked) who started this mess?

I'm glad you're crack free. His crack made plumbers look sexy. Seriously. He's a jerk, stupid to pass up the opportunity to enjoy the company of one of the best people on earth, and he thinks he's right, but hardly ever is. He's an expert on everything, or at least he thinks he is.

I just cry knowing you'll never see him again, but I still have to. Can I kick him? Please? Oh wait, I'll get fired. That would suck. Maybe no violence at work.

At 12:43 PM, CarpeDM said...
I'm so sorry you still have to see him. Violence at work is not a good idea.

This cleansing thing is such a good idea. I can read over this and laugh, remembering how I struggled with the idea that I might actually like him. God, that was horrible. All the smacking of the head every time I thought about him.

What did I ever see in him? I think back on this and I can't imagine how I ever thought it would work out. I would have killed him in 3 days with all of his constant buzz harshing.

Someday there will be a guy who understands me. He may calmly keep me from doing stupid things (like, oh, I don't know, stabbing annoying people with forks) like you, Keem and Matt do but he'll still have a great sense of humor and all of my friends will like him. And not want to throw up.