Keem sent me an email with this link. It's very cute. Unless you don't like cats. And then you don't have to click on it but I will be very sad and cry and pout and you will be sorry.
Well, you probably won't be but could you just click on it anyway? That will make me happy! A happy DM is a happy Queen of the Universe and that's got to be in your favor.
http://www.bassfiles.net/cleanscreen.swf target=_blank
Found because of Beth
9 Layers of Me… (With appropriate links when I remember a post I've written about the relevant topic)
Layer One:
Name: Dana Marie Jones
Birth date: March 11, 1967
Birthplace: Mahtomedi, Minnesota
Current Location: Saint Paul, Minnesota
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Um…this month it is supposed to be pomegranate, it is probably more of a burgundy
Height: 5 foot 4 inches (once it was 5’4” and ¾ of an inch but I shrunk)
Righty or Lefty: Righty
Zodiac Sign: Pisces. I am wimp. Hear me roar.
Layer Two:
Heritage: Half French, Quarter German (or vice versa), 1/8 Dutch, English, etc. According to my Dad, I was also part black, part Polish and part jackass on my Mother’s side. Turns out he lied.
Shoes Worn Today: black sandals
Weaknesses: Books. I cannot resist them.
Fears: Heights, spiral staircases, elevators, vampires.
The Perfect Pizza: Sausage, Pepperoni, Black Olives, Green Olives, Extra Cheese. Thin crust, white sauce (garlic, butter and olive oil).
Desired Goal: I would say to be happy but I am happy now. I would say rich but money doesn’t buy happiness. I don’t think I really have a desired goal. I just want to live my life on my own terms.
Layer Three:
Most Overused Phrases: Okay. I’m sure Beth and Keem could come up with a few more for me but this is all I can think of.*
*Actually it was Johnny. How did I forget this? "That's just wrong!" I use that one a lot. Different variations. I also use "But Keem!" a lot.
First Waking Thoughts: “Why am I awake? Why? Who invented this stupid morning thing anyway?”
Best Physical Feature: I like my hair, usually. It’s very thick and holds color well. However, it hates me and does not allow me to style it. I also like my eyes, even though they are brown and boring.
Most Missed Memory: Um, isn’t the point to memories the fact that you remember them? If I missed the memory, it wouldn’t be a memory anymore.
Layer Four:
Pepsi or Coke: Diet Coke, preferably with a slice of lime.
McDonald's or Burger King: McDonald’s fries, Burger King’s hamburgers.
Single or Group Dates: Date? What’s that?
Adidas or Nike: I don’t like shoes. If it was up to me, we would all be barefoot. Hmm, another thing for me to enforce when I become president.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: I guess I like Lipton Diet with Lemon the best. But I’d rather have hot tea. Preferably something spicy with milk and sugar.
Chocolate or Vanilla: I hate this question. Is this supposed to be ice cream? It never says. If it is ice cream, I have to say vanilla because I don’t like chocolate ice cream. But if it is just the flavor, then chocolate always wins.
Cappuccino or Coffee: Double Dutch Chocolate Cappuccino from Holiday with 5 shots of caramel and hazelnut creamer. Yum.
Layer Five:
Cuss: Swear? Me? Never. Please. The only word I won’t use is the G dammit word. However, I prefer to use words like gosh darnit and dagnabit because they are more fun.
Sing: Yes. At karaoke, in the car, in my room listening to iTunes, sometimes in the shower. Whenever I can.
Shower Everyday: Pretty much. Unless I am sick or running late.
Ever Been in Love: No. I have been in Like and in Lust and in Infatuation but I have never been in love.
Want to Go to College: Yes. I kind of miss it. But NABABNA will only pay for it if I take business classes and I could care less about business. I want to take Writing classes. Do not suggest Business Writing.
Liked High School: Not so much at the time. I do kind of miss it though. Mainly because I miss my English classes and being in the Drama Club.
Want to Get Married: I want to get married. I just don’t want to live with anyone. Unless he is rich and can afford to have a staff because I hate to cook and clean.
Believe in Self: Now I do. It’s amazing what getting rid of negative friends and surrounding yourself with positive people will do for you. And the Effexor helps a lot.
Get Motion Sickness: Yes. Unless I read (which is weird, I know) or fall asleep.
Think Yourself Attractive: Yes and no. I am not overly fond of my body but I do think I can be cute at times.
Think You’re a Health Nut: Uh, no.
Get Along with Parent(s): Well, I get along a lot better with my mother now that we don’t live in the same state. It’s hard to argue with my father since he’s dead. He won’t argue back.
Like Thunderstorms: Love them. Lightning is cool.
Play an Instrument: Kind of. Used to play the clarinet and the piano. I can still read music (barely) and could probably pick out a song on the piano now.
Layer Six:
In the Past Month…
Drank Alcohol: Yes. I In Lisbon, I had a Pina Colada and really horrible wine at a Seder.
Done a Drug: Nicotine. Effexor.
Made Out: Ooh! Ooh! I kissed a guy! Does that count? All I had to do was give him an empty beer bottle. He has nice lips.
Gone on a Date: Allow me to dissolve into laughter.
Visited the Mall: Yes, I was with Beth when she was power shopping.
Eaten an Entire Box of Oreos?: No.
Eaten Sushi: Eww. No.
Been on Stage: Yes. Every Sunday at karaoke.
Been Dumped: See the answer to the gone on a date question. One nice thing about being extremely single is that you don’t get dumped.
Gone Skating: Do people skate anymore? I haven’t skated since the 80’s.
Made Homemade Cookies: No.
Dyed your Hair: Yes. Last weekend.
Stolen Anything: Yes. A cloth on the train to Évora so I could scrapbook it. I am a hardened criminal.
Layer Seven:
Ever…
Played a Game that Required the Removal of Clothing: Yes. I played Strip Magic. I am so ashamed.
If So, Was it Mixed Company: Yes.
Been Trashed or Extremely Intoxicated: Yes.
Been Caught "Doing Something": Gee, I wonder what you could mean by “Doing Something?” How old is the author of this meme? Anyway, the answer is yes but only because someone walked into my room by mistake.
Been Called a Tease: No.
Gotten Beaten Up: No.
Shoplifted: Yes. Not proud of it.
Changed Who You Were to Fit In: Yes. When I used to date, I would change into what I thought the guy wanted so I could hold on to them. This person I thought they wanted was the exact opposite of me and clingy. I turned into the type of woman I hate. Took me a long time to realize I don’t need to be with a guy to justify my existence.
Layer Eight:
Age You Hope to be Married: Um, 42. Only because I watched recently watched The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (objective review here).
Numbers and Names of Children: I am not having children. Wait, let me rephrase that. I am not giving birth to children. I may adopt someday, a nice teenager or two. If, on the off chance that they hate their names and want to change them to something I want, I would choose the name True Frances for a girl and Matthew Eugene for a boy. Of course, there is always Dmitri Aloyious…
How Do You Want to Die: Die? Mwahahahaha! I shall live forever! Haven’t you been paying attention? I am the Queen of the Universe! Okay, in my sleep, when I’m 105, surrounded by my harem of younger men in their 50’s.
Where You Want to Go to College: The School of Hard Knocks. I don’t know. Somewhere that has a good writing program. A good Fiction writing program.
What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up: I want to travel the world with Beth and take pictures and write fascinating guide books and novels.
What Country Would You Most Like to Visit: London.
I kid, I kid. I want to go to England. I will, however, be going to Italy in 2007.
Layer Nine:
Number of Drugs Taken Illegally: Five. I think.
Number of People I Could Trust with My Life: Five.
Number of CDs I Own: No clue. They’re all on iTunes so I don’t have to worry about this stuff anymore.
Number of Piercings: Five. My ears are double pierced. You get to guess where the fifth one is.
Number of Tattoos: Three. I want more.
Number of Times My Name Has Appeared in the Newspaper?: Outside of High School, I don’t think it has.
Number of Scars on My Body: Too many to count, most of them on my hands. I do have some chicken pox scars on my stomach.
Number of Things in My Past that I Regret: Losing my virginity. If I was to go back and repeat things, knowing what I know now, I would probably still be a virgin. I also regret letting my weight get out of control and allowing people to control me in the past under the guise of friendship.
It has dawned on me that I have neglected to give my objective review to the most recent movies that I have seen.
I know how much you look forward to these reviews, dear internet, so here goes:
Movie Number One:
Kingpin – Apparently, my taste has been considered questionable by both Johnny and Beth. Something to do with the fact that I liked the Porky’s trilogy so, according to them, I can not be trusted when it comes to reviewing a movie. To which I say “Bah.” Anyway, yes, there are some funny parts. But not many and I know the only reason Beth likes this movie is because it’s about bowling.
Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events – This was playing on our way back from Portugal, the Amsterdam to America leg. I had wanted to see this movie, especially after reading the first 3 books of the series (I would love to read the rest of them but they are pretty expensive, $10 a book, if not more). I also usually enjoy Jim Carrey movies. I was really surprised when Beth decided to watch the movie with me because she cannot stand Jim Carrey (although she did enjoy The Majestic). I really enjoyed this movie. I thought it was very similar to the books, the children were portrayed very well and Jim Carrey was excellent as Count Olaf. I love it when he plays over the top characters (Liar Liar springs to mind). Beth and I do not have the same taste in movies at all but she did appear to not hate this movie.
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – I have been looking forward to this movie forever. I loved the books and always felt that Douglas Adams and I would have been kindred spirits, especially after I found out he once climbed a mountain dressed as a rhinoceros. Because that is so something I would do (Okay, except for climbing a mountain (Or dressing like a rhinoceros (because I like hippos better))). Imagine my surprise and delight to find out that we shared a birthday.
Beth and I were invited to go see this movie by Char and Tom shortly after we came back from Portugal (I would put a link for Char since she owes me a blog but she has not yet seen fit to start one. The slacker). Needless to say, I loved this movie. No, I adored it. One of the best parts was realizing that Arthur Dent’s character was being played by Martin Freeman, who had also appeared in Love Actually (a movie Beth, Keem and I all adore). He was fantastic. I could not imagine a better Arthur. Alan Rickman was Marvin’s voice. I love Alan Rickman with a fervent passion which grows each time I see him play Snape so I was pleased to have him in the movie as well, even if it was only as a voice. He was also in Love Actually. A third Love Actually cast member also cast in Hitchhiker was Bill Nighy, playing Slartibartfast. Each person did wonderful and it was great seeing them reunited.
Beth and I kept turning and grinning at each every few minutes. Whenever a Love Actually cast member was revealed, when Sam Rockwell did something particularly funny (Or sexy, which is difficult for a man with two heads), when we saw the Christo Rei in the film after just seeing it (from a distance) in Portugal a few days ago and when there were sheep (hello, we aren’t called the Sheepsheadian for nothing).
I really enjoyed this movie. I would recommend that you go and see it. I have talked to people that never read the books and they had no problem following the plot. Seeing this movie made me want to read the books again. And then go back and see the movie again.
Oh, there was a moment when I did tear up (and was laughed at, I might add). At the very end, there is a black screen and then the words “For Douglas” show up. I also was sad realizing that Uzi would never see this movie and then I thought that maybe he and Douglas are watching it together in Heaven. From what Johnny has told me about Uzi, I think he and Douglas would have been fast friends.
Go see this movie. Go see it tonight. Buy the DVD when it comes out. Read the books. Rejoice in the craziness that is Douglas Adams. The answer is 42.
Sahara – This was great! I have never read the Clive Cussler books so I have no idea how this movie compares to the books but I don’t care. I thought Sahara was a lot of fun. It had a fairly decent plot, a good looking leading man (Matthew McConaughey as Dirk Pitt (which is the dumbest name for a hero ever)), a good looking evil dude (Lambert Wilson, you may recognize him as Merovingian (the French man) from The Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions) and a great comic character (Steve Zahn. I love Steve Zahn).
If you’re looking for a good action adventure, I would recommend Sahara.
Okay, hopefully this post will change my Google Adsense links to something else besides ducks. Don’t get me wrong, I love ducks, but a change would be nice!
I am pleased to announce the grand opening of Cafe Press's newest store - The Johnny Fund.
Right now, the only thing we have is the cheesiest magnet ever. I'm serious. It's so pathetic. I am having the worst time trying to get the images to work and then Cafe Press limits the amount of the same type of product you can show (1 magnet per free store (Argh!)). I just might do multiple stores for different magnets (if I can get the stupid images to work! I am extremely frustrated. I could make better magnets at home by printing stuff off the computer).
Anyway, the base price for the magnet is $1.25. I set the price at $2.00, that would mean a whopping $0.75 profit that goes directly to bringing Johnny to Minnesota. I figured anything more would be way too much. I'm not even sure about the $2.00. I am still working with trying to get pictures from our trip to Portugal but, as I said, Cafe Press and I are having issues with what they will accept as an image. Apparently the images I do have do not fit so I'm working hard on getting this ready. Sigh. A Bloody Mad Anglo's work is never done.
Beth now has google adsense on her blog as well. So go on and click over there as well. As I was having the conversation with Johnny yesterday, she said she wouldn't be able to come over this year because she doesn't have the money to do it. I would really, really like to prove her wrong.
And hey, we're almost at $25 now! This is amazing. This all happened in a little over a week.
Behold - the power of our love for Johnny. Told you it was cheesy.
I'm waiting for pictures to load onto www.flickr.com. They are being stubborn and taking a long time.
However, to release me from my boredom, I did have a lovely chat with Johnny. I also took this extremely odd quiz. But you know, mud sculpture? I could see it.
And somebody found my blog through the google search "Green duckies turn me on." I'm both frightened and intrigued by this.
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When inspired, you can get enough ideas running through your head to keep you busy for hours. Your hobbies are sometimes a little different from other people's because you can't express yourself in the same ways everyone else does. | ||||||||||||||||||||
Our Potentially Ridiculous Hobby Suggestion For You: | ||||||||||||||||||||
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Johnny, remember that we love you. Okay? We do this out of love. Love, love, love, love, love!
We. Heart. You.
Because we love you, we are seriously serious about you coming to Minnesota in August. So serious that, last night at karaoke, Beth and I had a brilliant, brilliant idea. Why not make magnets and sell them in a blatant attempt to drive you crazy and get you to come to Minnesota?
And, as Beth said, when I told her that you were going to exact a horrible revenge, “Well, she’ll have to come to Minnesota to kill us.” So, let me put this as tactfully as possible…
Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah!
So, what I ask of you, those of you that love Johnny, would you be interested in purchasing magnets from Beth and my trip to Portugal (unfortunately, no pictures of Johnny would be included in the offer (really don’t want her to kill us))? I’m trying to set up a shop on Café Press but right now it hates my images (I'll have to work on this at home). All profits to benefit the Johnny Fund, of course.
Oh, and guys, just so you know, we’re up to $22 from the Google Adsense program. That's almost 15 dollars in 3 days. Wow.
Johnny, do you see how people love you? Do you?
Oh, and just for the record, last night I had my first kiss in 7? 8? years (This is not counting Matt at the party. He's family). All I had to do is turn in an empty beer bottle to one of the bar backs. Gosh, my romantic life is great. Don't you wish you were me?
Here's something I want to make perfectly clear. I do not want children. I have never wanted children (other than the occasional aw moment when I see an adorable baby and my brain melts). I'm not even overly fond of children (except, of course, for my nephew, Josh, who is the most wonderful child in the world). I do, however, for some odd reason, like teenagers and have thought about adopting one if I ever get my finances in order (this will not be for sometime, if ever).
I have a great respect for parents. I don't get how you do it. How you manage to get through the day without going nuts is beyond me.
Anyway, today being mother's day, I just wanted to say thanks to some of the mothers I know.
First off, we have mom. Carol Jones (yes, Jones is my fake name for the family. Haven't come out of the internet closet yet) raised both my sister Kari and I by herself after she divorced my father when I was 13. Single mothers were not common in my home town and I know it was tough for her. Especially since I became the daughter from hell. Mood swings and drug use does not the sweetest child make. It took awhile but I have realized what a wonderful person my mom is. We don't always see eye to eye but I appreciate her for all the sacrifices she made and think she is wonderful. I made a tribute patch for her yesterday on American Greetings. Here is the link to the site.
There is my sister, Kari. My nephew Josh is a wonderful, joyful child of 18 months (I think. I am very bad at calculating months. He was born in October. You figure it out). Kari and Eric are wonderful parents and I love watching them with Josh. As the proud aunt (and owner of this blog), I now bring you pictures of my nephew. Enjoy.
I love this picture. Isn't it great? I had planned on putting these pictures in the post but blogger is being stubborn. Or I'm doing something wrong. In this picture, Josh stares pensively outside. Apparently one of his favorite pasttimes is to run outside with a glass of water and pour said water on the ground. Which is weird so proof that he is my nephew. I'm not sure about this picture but it's cute. Josh looks so much like his dad.
I also want to wish Suz and Nan, my older sisters, a happy Mother's Day as well. Thanks for reading and I love you. Suz, we will have to get together one of these days and I did not know you lived that close to me. Applebees would be a great plan...once I get paid again. Kind of broke right now.
Anyway, I'm going to go read a few more blogs and then maybe go back to bed. I was sick all day yesterday and am still feeling some residual effects. Gosh, it would be nice if my mom would bring me some chicken soup...of course, with her living in Arizona, that might be a bit difficult.
Thank you to those of you that have clicked on the google adsense buttons. I've seen a few comments left by those wondering how to help bring Johnny to America in August. Allow me to assist you.
In my sidebar (to the right), you will see a narrow list of things - First you will see my profile where I ramble on about extremely witty things, because that's the type of person I am. There is my email address, greenduckiesgirl@gmail.com. There are my categories, in which there are links to things I've written in the past that are ever so brilliant and witty. Then you will see my blog rolling list, in which I have found people who say extremely witty things and linked to them. If I check out your website and you are extremely witty as well, you will probably end up there. Consider yourself warned.
Right under that is the google adsense ads. Here's how it works. There will be a link to a website. Click on that link. It will bring you to the website (which, hey, all you have to do is hit the back button on your browser and you're back to my site, filled with wittiness). My understanding is that you can click all 4 links and they do change throughout the day so feel free to come back and click some more. And tell your friends!
As for Johnny, who left the comment saying she thought I might be serious, um, yeah. Of course I am. You refused to even consider the idea of either Beth or I helping pay for a ticket to bring you here. We discussed the best time for you to come visit and you were excited about the thought of the State Fair because of all the cows and pigs (since you are insane) instead of the normal reason to get excited about the State Fair for all of the exciting foods on sticks.
So you are coming to Minnesota. Even if I have to go and drag you out here. And think of it this way, it doesn't cost anything for us to click. And you might find an exciting product (is it wrong that I want to buy the sailor rubber duck?) or two. This is fun and free! What more could you ask for?
Oh, thanks guys, we're up to $7.53. We doubled our amount in one day. You people rock AND roll.
Ha-ha! No, seriously, I am trying to get better at photography. I still have a problem moving when I take a picture. I think I need a tripod. Or need to learn how to stand still for 30 seconds.
Anyway, Beth posted this awhile ago and I was fascinated with it so I just went through her archives (3 months) before it dawned on me that "Hey, she has categories. I bet it's there." And it was and all was good.
Here's the post that Beth did. She is a much more talented photographer than I am and fascinates me with the detail she can get with her camera. She also has a better camera than I do. I told her that if she decided to give up banking, she could probably do really good travelling the world and getting pics for postcards. Or, for that matter, writing a guide book.
I would have to come along though, because I catch things that she misses. She captures beauty, I capture the bizarre (the supermanos sign I saw that amused me (I know it doesn't mean a store where you can find a bunch of supermen but that's what I pretended. And I have the perfect paper to scrapbook it on)) and I also have absolutely no qualms about taking pictures of strangers while pretending I'm focusing on something in the distance. Hot guy at the train station taking his coat off? Got him. Beggar sitting on the church steps in Evora? Got her. Small children sniffing rocks? Got them.
Plus, what guide book would be complete without a multitude of bird pictures? I like birds. You can tell this because, usually, when I see a bird, I will say, loudly, "Bird!" I also say this when I see squirrels. There are not any squirrels in Portugal. At least I didn't see them. I would have been sad, if it hadn't been for all the birds.
Anyway, here are the items. I'm going to try and do this within the next couple of weeks. Since it's been so nice, I'm thinking about heading out on my lunch break and snapping pictures. Who knows what I will find?
Most of these pictures are from Portugal.
1. frame
2. glass
3. arrow
4. numbers
5. small
6. open
7. fruit
8. wheel
9. plastic
10. cover
11. natural
12. saturday
13. multi-coloured
14. home
15. shadow
16. sticky
17. clean
18. foot
19. sport
20. round
21. group
22. man made
23. half
24. path
25. full
26. the end
I think you should try it as well. It would be fun.
You will be pleased to know that the Johnny fund is in effect and we have gained a total of $3.59 towards bringing Johnny to America to witness the Minnesota State Fair and spend quality time with Beth and I.
I can hear you thinking. "Yeah. That's impressive."
Oh ye of little faith, that is impressive. I've had the adsense program since January and $2.14 was earned yesterday. Just by a few people clicking on the little google ad buttons. Isn't that cool?
Anyway, tell your friends, neighbors, enemies and everyone you know to come and start clicking. $2.14 is a great start but really, we only have approximately 4 months for this. I am now going to do math (which is proof of just how much I want Johnny to come to Minnesota. I hate math).
Dana's Attempt at Math:
I am assuming 4 months at 30 days apiece. 4 times 30 equals 120. 120 days times $2.14 equals $256.80. This will not get Johnny to America. It may get her to Evora, which is the opposite way we want her to go.
Beth also talked about putting adsense on her blog but I'm not sure if she will do it or not. I really do appreciate all of your clicking! Perhaps I will do weekly updates. Oh, joy. Weekly math. Johnny, do you see how much I adore you? Do you?
Today I went to the doctor for a physical. Joy. I got to lie on a table, covered in pieces of pretend "cloth" (thick paper), while I was subjected to the two most wonderful things about being a woman...a breast examination and Pap Smear. Can you say yay? I knew you could.
I love my doctor because she is very nice and introduced me to my happy pills (Not to interrupt my train of thought or anything but iTunes Party Shuffle is playing Air Supply's "Lost In Love" and my God, could it be any more annoying?). She rarely lectures and we have discussions about what I should do to make my life better. Today we discussed the possibility of my having a hysterectomy to correct something I affectionately refer to as "Bloody Hell." I'm not sure of the actual name of the horror but I hate it. And I have to take Provera, which I hate even more. That's all I'm saying about it. If you want to know more, there is always Google.
Do you know how nice it is to have a doctor who doesn't automatically say "But that would be a crime against humanity if you don't pop out a kid!"? It's very nice. She understands I have no desire to have children, there is a medical problem that could be solved easily, it's something to consider. We're going to talk about it again on the next visit.
Also, no matter how long has gone between our visits (the last time I saw her previously to this year was back in 2003), she remembers everything about me without having to read the chart. Which led to this conversation:
Deb (my doctor, preparing for breast examination): Have you noticed any lumps?
DM (lying naked on examination table except for paper vest and paper drapes, breasts exposed to the world (okay, hiding off to either side of my body)): No.
Deb: Didn't you have some nipple rings once?
DM: Ah, yes, but I had to remove them when I had to have the mammogram.
Deb: And your mother had breast cancer in her 30's, right?
DM: Yes.
Deb: You need to go for another mammogram.
DM: DAMN YOU!
Okay, I rarely swear at her. She was amused to learn about the vast amount of Portuguese that Beth and I knew, including bacon and Sacana.
I had to take a cab to my appointment today since I had a choice between busses. I could take the one that left at 7:45 or the one that left at 2:15. Since I didn't wake up until 10:30 and my appointment was at noon, I didn't have much choice. In Portugal, the trip to the monastery was a longer distance than I traveled today and cost less, even with the conversion rate.
Eddy is still sneezing and I'm going to try calling vets tomorrow. We think it could be allergies, though, Jeff cleaned all of the carpets just recently. He does seem to be doing a little bit better. He came out of Keem's bedroom for a bit and climbed up to knead her chest and stomach (Did I mention that he adores her (Eddy, not Jeff)). Then he sprawled across her and purred very loudly. I do not have a picture of this, wish I did. I do have some pictures that I took today, after I got back from the doctor's and waited for Keem to come home and pick me up.
My day was not overly exciting. But it wasn't bad. I miss Portugal. But I'm also glad to be home because it is SPRING! Finally!
Dear Johnny,
Eddy is sick. He keeps sneezing. A lot of sneezes, one right after the other. His whiskers are droopy and he wants to sleep all day and does not spend all of his time begging for Keem to pay attention to him.
What is wrong with him?
What's the point of knowing a vet student if she's not willing to hop on a plane, fly for oh, 15 hours or so, and diagnose my cat? Can you answer that?
I miss you. Just so you know.
Oh, the title is because I had written Paging Dr. Johnny and then I thought of Dr. Johnny Fever from WKRP in Cincinatti, which you may or may not have ever seen. I liked the show.
And also, we (Beth and I) are trying to bring Johnny to America in August. Since she is a struggling vet student, you may have noticed that I brought Google Ad Sense back. I am contributing all proceeds to the great task of showing Johnny the Minnesota State Fair. Because there are animals and crap on a stick! How could we lose?
If you love Johnny, and I know you do (how could you not), please click. Thanks.
Okay, Johnny, it’s not much but here you go. I promise more later this week.
Ways I’ve been found (the link is if the search pulled up a specific post) and what I have to say about the search:
Sheepheadian – Whoops! I spelled that wrong! It’s supposed to be Sheepsheadian!
Gymnastic jokes – Was I on crack, I thought, before I pulled up the link. And then I realized this was a post about Last Comic Standing.
A post Lioness did about spaying and castrating your animal friends – And again, I say welcome to my site. And again, I ask you couldn’t leave a comment? Why does everyone hate me? Why?
Jews – 88,940 posts about Jews on Technorati. Wow. My thought to the searcher, did you maybe want to try to narrow that search down just a tad?
Smiley face tattoo – I swear I will post my tattoos one of these days. But Beth already thinks I’m weird for walking up to her half-naked and asking her to give me a hand, how is she going to react to a request to photograph my breasts and back? Okay, you sick people. I removed my shirt to ask her to put aloe on my sunburn.
Pork roast with potatoes and carrots – Oh, nice. Make me hungry, why don’t you?
Greenduckies – And yet, they don’t comment either. This is like the 3rd time this person has looked me up through AOL’s search. How many green duckies are there?
harold and kumar doogie howser sunglasses – Mmm. Neil Patrick Harris is hot.
"Steve Madden on Sale" – My first thought, when I saw this, was who is Steve Madden? And why is he on sale? And then I realized he makes shoes. Do you see why I am fashion challenged?
Gary Dourdon – Again. Someone is obsessed. But hey, he is hot.
www. vampires stabbing 11 year old boys in the sto – Ohhhhkay. Why the specific 11 year old boys? Isn’t stabbing boys enough?
There's more but the internet is annoyed with me and Keem wants me to spend quality time with her. So I leave you with this:
Okay – maybe you’ve never checked out Mimi Smartypants. But that’s okay. I’ll forgive you. What I do think is you should check out this post though. Because it’s very funny post and has many elements you as “normal” people would not necessarily put together in one post but something about the insanity appeals to me. I love her. Where else could you read a post about her adorable 2 year old daughter, someone who needs to give a list on how to make, staple and distribute copies but never says how many to make, staple and distribute, firm Smurfs, how her iPod is communicating with her through the shuffle feature and bonding with your neighbor through public transportation and hating Michael Jackson. Do you see what I mean?
Hello, internet. I am back in Minnesota. Be thrilled about it because I sure am not. Minnesota is bloody cold! Normally, I do not have a problem with the weather here but when you return from glorious, wonderful Portugal with temperatures of 50 or 60 degrees to 38 degrees in Minnesota, there is a lot of complaining on my part.
You may have noticed that I did not do a lot of blogging while we were gone. That is because Beth and I worked out a great system, while she blogged, I read my Iris Johansen books (love her. If you like thrillers, you should check her out). I was able to read approximately 12 books on holiday. This is one of the best things about being on holiday, the ability to kick back and read.
Beth figured out that we took over 4,200 pictures while gone. The majority of them are from her camera, I had some battery problems while away. We went through our combined masterpieces and managed to come up with 160 pictures which we have shown to her parents and her mom’s boyfriend, Char and Tom and also people at KARAOKE last night (did we mention that we missed karaoke? We did). I, being overly brilliant, appear to have left my pictures at Beth’s and am very sad about this. But I will survive.
This is going to be a short post because I am very tired. With jet lag and then going to karaoke last night, I am beat. Last night, after Beth dropped me off, I dragged up two bags of books, two suitcases, my CPAP machine, a bag of dirty clothes and my purse. By the time I maneuvered everything through the apartment, trying very hard not to wake up Jeff (his parents are in town and he is sleeping on the portable mattress in the living room while they sleep in his room) and set up the CPAP, it was 4 AM. Did I mention that I changed my schedule and now start at 8 AM? Can you say yuck? I can.
Plus, I got my order from flea’s shop and I had to open that right away. I ordered the coolest thing called Pussy Pucker Pots. It is vegan lip balm and I got areola apricot and it is yummy! Their tag line is “For the tastiest lips north of the hips!” You have to love it (I also ordered “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” from her as well. Its full price but she is donating 15% of the proceeds for the Harry Potter books to Chicago children’s charities). The best part of this was that there was a personal note from flea in the box (yes, I did order other stuff. No, I am not telling you) telling me she was sorry for the delay and to enjoy Portugal. It was like receiving a personal note from Shakespeare. Seriously. She’s an excellent writer and if you have never read flea, you are missing out. She is brilliant and you should so go check her out. Here is a link to something she wrote about “Gone With the Wind” that almost makes me want to see/read the movie/book again. Almost.
Today, before I broke down and got coffee (I did have cappuccino this morning but that’s different. I like cappuccino. Coffee sucks), I was having a difficult time staying awake and dealing with stock holders. Consider this example.
Stock Holder (SH): I would like to sell my shares.
DM (me. I am back to DM. Deya was my Portugal name): I’d be happy to help you with that. You could do the following. You can sell your shares over the phone by setting up a pin number or you could place them in the overhead compartments…
SH: What?
DM: No. Sorry. I mean you can sell them online.
SH: Oh. Okay. Freak.
DM: I’m sorry. I just got back from Portugal and I’m having a hard time getting back into the swing of things (translation: I stayed up way too late last night and am falling asleep as we speak).
SH: What is your fax machine number?
DM: It is (651) 555-1234. Wait. No, it’s not. Its (651) 555-0987 (Realizes that she had given SH the phone number for the job she had before this one).
And also, I may or may not have told a shareholder she had to sell her shares through the invisible fence. What really worries me about this is that she didn’t question me. So now I’m wondering, what if this woman is wandering around the city, with one of those collars on, looking for the invisible fence?
Hopefully tomorrow, I will be normal again (normal for me) and will be able to tell you all about the exciting stuff that happens in my world.
Beijos.
Last night Beth and I went to Johnny's synogouge for Seder. I've always been fascinated by different religions and thought that this would be a great experience and was correct in that assumption.
Beth and I have been laughing over the fact that when people in Portugal see me, they immediately start talking to me in Portuguese but when they see Beth, right away they know that she is not a native. For example, standing in line at the oceanario (oceanarium) two days ago, a guard started talking to me and I had no clue what she was saying. She then said "You can use the elevator. Take it to the 2nd floor." Which was her tactful way of saying "We don't want to be held responsible when you have a heart attack, walking up 2 flights of stairs. Please take the elevator so you don't die." Bless her. Because those stairs were steep and I probably would have collapsed.
When Beth got up to the counter, the woman took one look at her and said "English?"
After leaving the oceanarium, we went to Pizza Hut (yes, laugh, but we were starving and didn't have Johnny as an interpreter) and decided to sit in the restaurant. Thank God for non-verbal communication, we were able to tell the non-English speaking host exactly what we wanted by making gestures and nodding rapidly when we recognized a word. Our waitress spoke English and she was wonderful. When we were trying to figure out what a certain dessert was and she couldn't tell us, she found someone who was able to explain that it was 4 cream puffs covered in hot chocolate sauce and served with ice cream.
Apparently tipping is not common in Portugal. Johnny had explained this to us but it really hit home when the waitress came back to collect our Euros and we told her the change was for her. Our bill came to about 32 Euros and we gave her 35. Our tip was just a little over 15%, not a big deal for us, especially when you figure we will usually give Bobby a $20 for a $3.50 bill. She got the biggest smile on her face when she asked "For me?" and we said sim.
Yesterday we were off to take the Elevador de Gloria funicular, a tram or trolley. We stopped at a store selling post cards where I spent 22.50 on post cards. Crazy, right? But they will be wonderful for scrapbooking. We then decided to go to the Hard Rock cafe and figured someone there would be able to direct us to the funicular. Our waiter was very nice and started speaking in Portuguese to me but quickly switched to English. There was a waitress who amused us by walking by our table and singing along to the videos playing on the monitor next to us. We have some great pictures of her posing with us.
I told the waiter that the food was muito bem (very good) and he complimented me on my Portuguese and asked me how I had learned it. I explained that it was American TV with subtitles. Thank God for CSI: I know a lot of the words but have no clue how to pronouce them, a fact that has moved Johnny to laughter. She has tried to correct my accent but there is no way I can say things the way she does in Portuguese.
At the Seder, Johnny translated what the Rabbi was saying. The service was a combination of Hebrew and Portuguese, both beautiful languages. The story of the Jews leaving Egypt was told. There was a lot of singing in Hebrew and of course Beth and I have no clue how to read Hebrew. We were able to translate a lot of the Portuguese so we got the gist of what we were singing.
At one point, Johnny grabbed a napkin and wrote down the words that we were singing. As she handed them to us, she said "It's Jewish karaoke." We had a great laugh over that.
We ate lettuce dipped in salty water to remember the sacrifices that the Jews made and matzah (unleavened bread). The matzah was quite tasty (if you like cardboard) and then there was the realization that it was matzah from either a year or two years ago. Fresh matzah was brought out. It still tasted like cardboard. But it was fresh cardboard.
We then put lettuce between two matzah pieces. Beth said "It's a sandwich." Johnny told us that the Jews created sandwiches. Beth whispered to me later that the sandwich needed bacon. I was worried that someone would hear us but then Johnny later told us that the guys sitting next to her were making Pork jokes. If only we knew Portuguese! That would have been fun to hear.
All in all, it was a great experience. I really enjoyed the singing, it was wonderful sitting in the room and feeling the presence of God. Some might think that, as a Christian, it would be sacriligious for me to participate in this ceremony but I feel that God was glad I was able to witness this. After all, these are the teachings that Jesus learned as well.
I noticed a few people giving us odd looks during the singing and when I remarked on it later, Johnny said that the Porties are worried about how they sound and won't sing loudly and so it would have been interesting for them to witness two Americans singing out strong. But hey, karaoke is karaoke is karaoke. On new song Sundays, usually we've only heard the tune once or twice before and we'll get up on stage and sing. What's the difference between that and singing in a language I've never heard before in a country I'd never been to before? Not much.
Again, at the Seder, I had a few people start talking to me in Portuguese. Everyone addressed Beth in English. It's kind of funny.
Oh, I had another bathroom adventure. I used the WC (short for Water Closet) and could not get the toilet to flush. The synogouge is in an old building and the toilet tank is high up on the wall so I couldn't figure out what the problem was. Beth tried to help me and we ended up waving Johnny over. She couldn't get it to work and she had to get what I would consider an assistant pastor over to help us. I don't know if he has an official title but he was sitting by the Rabbi the entire evening. It turns out the toilet tank has to have a faucet turned on to get it to fill up. It was quite the experience.
Another thing that we thought was funny was seeing a No Smoking sign in the room where the service took place. I pointed it out to Beth and said "Não Fumar" (which actually translates to no Smokers, not no smoking). Later on, after the service, we saw the Rabbi smoking. Guess it doesn't apply to him!
The Rabbi was very nice and even stood up for me a little when Johnny was trying to get me to say "não" correctly. He told me, in his thick accent, "I have been here for one year and they don't make me try to say it correctly."
Tomorrow we're off to take a train trip to Evora. It'll be a two hour trip one way but we'll get to see the Chapel of Bone and the Temple of Diana. Way cool!
Beijos!
Right now it is 4:12 in the morning here in Portugal but, as you can see from the time this was published, it is actually 10:04 PM back home. Right now, Beth and I would be at karaoke.
Karaoke. Ah, karaoke, how we miss you. This is the first week we have missed since last September.
Before we left, we had strict orders from Dean, Bryan, Liz and James to not think about karaoke tonight. We were supposed to kick back by the ocean with some sort of refreshing beverage and, if we were so inclined, cast one thought towards all the fun back home. But that was it. Of course, I don't think we had realized what the time difference was then. It would be a little chilly if we were at the ocean right now.
Well, sorry, guys but we've been thinking about you today. In fact, while Beth was looking through her files to find what pictures to download for her blog, she came across some pictures from last week. There was the picture of Bryan in my floppy hat, the picture of Dean rapping and pictures of Tom and Char and Matt and Christine. In one of the pictures, Dean was raising his glass as Beth snapped the picture of him. We had the following conversation.
DM: Look, he's toasting us.
Beth: He is toasting us.
DM: Beer break.
At the same time, Beth and I raised our Coke cans and silently toasted Dean.
Beth: We're complete losers, aren't we?
DM: Noooo. We just miss our friends.
We also listened to two sound clips of Dean. And cried. Just a little.
Hopefully the cool table will not forget about us and still accept us next week. After all, we did miss a week...but hey, we'll have cool pictures to show them. Of pizza*, a boar head** and a fire extinquisher and matching sign***.
Oh, God, we are complete losers, aren't we?
*We took a picture of our bacon pizza because Bryan was fascinated by the fact that bacon is the same word here as it is back home. In fact, he wrote a haiku about it, we'll have to post it later.
**The grocery stores here have everything you could desire and a few things you might not. Lots and lots of fish (blech) and a boar head. Seriously. But not the full thing, about one or two inches thick but you can make out the shape.
***Beth took a picture of the fire extinquisher at the museum. I took the picture of the fire extinquisher sign at Hemp House.
Do you know what happens when you entitle a post "Bathroom Adventures?" Do you? Let me tell you. You get to spend time in the bathroom for not fun reasons. That's all I'm saying about that. Obviously the holiday gods are laughing at me. But I am of hardy stock and am sure I will be my normal healthy self tomorrow. Johnny recommended some rice and water. I am sure that I could go on the BRAT diet but would rather shoot myself. You know the BRAT diet, right? Bananas (yuck), rice (okay but without butter. What's the point if there is not butter?), Applesauce (see previous mention about bananas) and toast (again, without butter. Again, what is the point?).
I have to say that the food here is marvelous. When I went to Mexico, I had a hard time finding anything that I really liked. Too many tomatoes, for one thing. Tomatoes are evil. Just in case you didn't know that. But here, there is much to be enjoyed.
Last night, Johnny made us what she called chicken steaks (chicken breasts), cabbage with garlic and olive oil (yum) and pasta (also yum).
Beth and I split some different foods at the cafeteria at the museum. The bread here is just the way I like it, thick crusts and soft insides. I could live on bread and butter daily. The pastry we tried was extremely flaky and wonderful and there was not a frightening sausage pasty thing inside. Coke Light is awful. Tastes like Pepsi only worse. Coke is fabulous. We did try something referred to as a slice of pudding. We each only managed one bite apiece. It reminded me of flan and we both had huge texture issues with it.
Today Johnny called something "freakin'." She is blaming Beth and I are for sticking this into her vocabulary. However, we both keep saying "bloody" and "holiday" so I think we're tied. Beth has picked up some of Johnny's mannerisms. It's funny to watch them sit next to each other and see the same gestures. Beth can't do it on purpose though.
Random observations:
Here are some of the things that Beth and I have seen while here.
Keep reading Beth's site as well, she does more detailed posts. I just look for the weird. That's my job. Here's a link to some of my fabulous pictures from the museum.
There is a bidet in Johnny's bathroom. I had never seen one up close before. It's very interesting.
The hot waiter from the beach cafe let me into the bar's bathroom. He let me know (in English, bless him) that the light turned on automatically. He did not inform me, however, that the light was on a timer (as most of the lights here in Portugal seem to be) and would turn off. Suddenly, I was sitting in the dark. Yikes.
Fortunately, I must have been a cat in another life and my eyes quickly adjusted to the light. And it did eventually come back on, apparently it is also on a motion detector.
Back at Johnny's place, I had to use the bathroom again. There I was, minding my own business, when there was this POP! sound and the lights went off. Hmm. What had happened? Well, Beth and I had thought ''Hey, let's take a power strip to Portugal. That'll work, right?'' The correct answer is no. It will actually blow a fuse. This happened twice before Beth and Johnny realized that it won't work.
The last adventure came that night. Johnny's cat, Hum-Hum, apparently likes to lie in the bathtub. I knew this but yet was not expecting what happened. I must have made some sort of noise and all of a sudden, Hum-Hum's head popped up and she stared at me. She is a dark brown cat that appears to be black and has golden eyes. It was a little freaky.
Today we are going to a beach house and across a bridge and who knows what adventures we will experience? Will I write about them? Por que não? Yes, those are my new Portuguese words - meaning Why not? Which I discovered watching what I thought was a preview for a series about an English (possibly, light skinned, blondish) boy and his Indian girlfriend who were torn between their love for each other and their culture and then they jumped off of a roof and into this heart shaped orange soup like substance that may have been a blanket or soup. Who knows? But anyway, it wasn't a preview. It's a commercial. But I have no idea what for.
Adoro-te, dear internet. Until we meet again.
