It's alive!

Barely. But I am at work right now. I am no longer worshiping the porcelain god. I was telling my co-workers what the last 36 hours were like for me and they laughed. Can you imagine this? Laurie, when she was done chortling, said "It's not funny that it happened but it's funny the way that you tell it." Apparently, my tale of woe of being huddled at the bottom of the shower with steaming hot water pouring over me and the vomiting and the reverse vomiting was amusing. Sigh. Where is the symphathy? Obviously it is only you, my gentle readers, that really care about me. Which I adore you for.

I was able to eat solid food yesterday but that was a mistake. So today I am trying an all liquid diet. I have a 64 ounce container of orange pineapple juice, V8 Splash tropical blend (which normally I love but today was not so thrilled with so I gave one bottle to a co-worker and mixed the other one with cran-grape juice), Ocean Spray Cran-Grape juice and two cans of Campbell's Soup at Hand, creamy chicken (and I'd like to say to the Campell Soup people, why are you trying to kill us? Is it really necessary to put 890 mg of sodium in one little container of soup?). And, of course, my large 64 ounce water bottle filled with refreshing water. I love water. It is our friend.

My goodness, isn't my life exciting? I have just regaled you all with what I'm going to be drinking today. How fun.

Speaking of juice, Keem received a Magic Bullet for Christmas (suddenly, that just sounds so terribly wrong). You may have seen the infomercial for the Magic Bullet. It is called the ultimate smoothie machine, etc. Keem made a wonderful fettucine alfredo with chicken on Tuesday night with fresh parmesan. It was quite yummy. Anyway, she had also bought some fresh pineapple, grapes and apples to make juice with. I was craving juice on Thursday so she decided to make some.

The juice she made was this somewhat green, thick concoction that frightened me a little but I was brave. My, it was foamy. I finally ended up cutting it with some Welch's grape juice. We will probably not be making juice at home very often because this one glass took 3 apples, half a bag of grapes and half of the pineapple. Cheaper to buy it premade, thanks. We later found out the reason why it was so thick and foamy was because she hadn't installed the juicer portion properly and all of the grape skins had found their way into the juice. Yeah. I probably would have been better off if I tried eating it with a spoon. Keem had a great time laughing at my reactions to the juice (note: she didn't drink any. She'd like to say it is because she is so self sacrificing and noble but we know the real reason).

So, a couple of different things.

Why do these food preparation places think that the Magic Bullet and the Thunder Stick are good names for something that is basically a blender? These are not names that make me think of food. They make me think of other types of appliances, such as you might buy at flea's shop.

Speaking of flea and her shop, there has been some clamoring for knowledge about what I bought so, without further ado (except for the following disclaimer), I will reveal all.

Mom! Do not read this! I will be discussing sexual things. Avert your eyes!

I'm not sure why I'm so worried about my mom - this is a woman who I had the following conversation with when I was 18:

Mom: Why are you shaving your legs?
DM: Because I'm going to have sex with Mark tonight and I want to make sure my legs are smooth.
Mom: Don't you masturbate?
DM: Mother!

As you can imagine, I was a bit stunned by that question. Mothers are not supposed to ask these questions (although why I felt the need to tell her I was going to have sex is kind of bizarre as well).

Anyway, I purchased the LAYspot which was manufactured in Germany so it is very efficient and ergonomic in shape. It is, well, interesting. That's about the only way to describe it. There are some designing problems that I'd like to address with the company, such as the battery cap falls off fairly easily - at the wrong time! And the convenient plus/minus buttons are hard to distinguish in the dark. I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually.

I also bought the Pleasure Paws. Believe me when I say that this is the best toy ever. Lots of people swear by the Rabbit but some of us (that would be me) have been celibate for many, many years and are not in the mood for anything to invade sensitive areas. There. That's as tactful as I can get. Oh, and it's so cute. It is purple with this little tiny bear on the top.

I would recommend, if you are ever in the mood to buy a toy or two, that you should buy them from flea. If you have questions about something, you can email her and she will respond on her blog (but she won't reveal your name). She answers questions about just about anything you can think of and she is funny and smart and I adore her. I would rather buy things from her than the larger companies.

As for the pirate film, I actually didn't watch it until Friday night (had the place to myself). It was okay. There were no subtitles, which is so irritating because, hello, I live in an apartment so I can't turn up the sound too much. Do I really want the neighbors to be hearing a lot of panting and moans? No, I do not. The acting was stilted at best but I wasn't expecting much. As for the sex, well, yeah, it was good but not very believable. Take, for example, the required lesbian scene (for the record, this is not my requirement but appears to happen in every porn movie ever made). This takes place with the heroine, a very blonde woman with a kind of horsey face, being threatened by a pirate chick. Pirate chick is brunette (which was nice because every other woman was blonde and it gets annoying after awhile. Your eyes start burning from all of the bleach). They are surrounded by a bunch of pirate men, including one who has no legs and gets around by using his arms to swing him from place to place. Interesting.

Anyway, pirate chick has blonde chick tied to a chair and blonde chick says "Don't you touch me, I'll tell my husband on you!" Pirate chick is just shaking in her pirate boots (I am assuming she was wearing boots, wasn't really paying attention) and starts ripping off blonde chick's clothes off. Blonde chick is upset by this until pirate chick finds a sensitive area with her tongue (that's all you get) and then blonde chick giggles and falls at pirate chick's feet, begging to be played with in front of all of the other pirates.

Now, I ask you, if you have been a) kidnapped by pirates, b) about to cheat on your husband and c) are about participate in a lesbian encounter for the first time, would you be willing to do this in front of a bunch of pirates? These aren't cute pirates, either, like Steve the Pirate. No, they are dirty and unwashed and kind of greasy looking. Not my idea of a good time. But blonde chick is all excited about it.

So I guess what I'm saying is that the movie would probably have been a lot more interesting for me if I would have been watching it with someone special. Like Steve the Pirate.

Mom, you can start reading again.

So, Betty (Rob's (Rob is Eric's dad) girlfriend) gave me a bunch of books. They are Intrigue novels, published by Silhouette or Harlequin or some romance pushing book publisher. They're not bad, on a whole, because, while the romance is a part of it, they are also mysteries. I like mysteries. Betty, bless her, saves her books for me. Anyway, I needed a new book so I grabbed the first one out of the bag. As I was walking along, I noticed the title.

Cowboy PI.

The first thought I had was "Oh, Beth would like this book. It is about a cowboy who does math problems." You know. pi = 3.14159265 (which I can't believe I actually knew the first part of this. I knew it was 3.14 before hitting Google. I am so brilliant!)

Then I flipped the book over to read the back (I always do this. Even if I've read the book before. I don't know why).

Yeah. It's not about a cowboy solving math problems. It's Cowboy P.I. as in private investigator. Not quite the same thing. It's called a period, people! It comes in handy. Punctuation is our friend.