Reading 101 takes a scary turn

So I'm looking at the adsense ads on my site and I notice that they are all about Pap Smears. Because, yeah, that's what everyone wants to know about, right? And then I see something truly scary. The top ad is for "Pap Smear Adventures." I think, for a second, that it is a link to a scary porn site or something (well, you never know. People are weird).

For the record, it's not "Pap Smear Adventures." It's "Pap Smear Procedure." So, apparently, it's my brain that's weird.

And yes, I am working on a post. I'm actually working on three posts. And one of those three posts has warped into what will possibly be three posts.

The excitement of my week

So I was sick on Monday, you all knew that. I've pretty much recovered, thank goodness.

My week has not been overly exciting, despite the misleading title. I went back to work on Tuesday where my boss laughed at me about the bus adventures from Monday. I found out that there were a lot of problems during the day and am really glad that I missed them. Seems like the heat went out (again. We've had so many problems with the heat either quitting all together or the air conditioning not working. It's an old building and I'm not sure what the problem is but my God, it can get annoying when you are either freezing or sweating and trying to be pleasant to stock holders) and then the computer systems stopped working. Apparently there were 60 calls holding at one time. Yeah, makes me glad I went back to bed.

Tax season is starting to heat up. I am really beginning to think that the statements we send out should not have "Please retain for your tax records" printed on them but a disclaimer that says "Warning! If you throw this statement away, we have the right to laugh hysterically at you when you call us and want statements for the last ten years at no charge. And if you get mean, we have the right to come over to your house and beat you over the head with blunt objects."

Wednesday I went to the doctor. I thought my appointment was at 1 PM but it was not. It was actually at 1:45 PM. Not a big deal for me because I had a book but I thought the receptionist was going to drive me nuts because she wouldn't stop talking to me. Lady. I am not five. I am capable of sitting in a waiting room without having someone talk to me to keep me from loneliness. Remember when I said "It's okay. I have a book." That was code for "Shut up! I'm reading! I don't like it when people talk to me when I am reading!"

I hate new doctors. There's always that awkwardness where you have to wonder if they're going to yell at you or be mean and not have a good bedside manner (which is an odd thing to say because you're not actually in a bed when you're talking to the doctor). I really loved my previous doctor, Deb, and am going to miss her a great deal. Part of me is thinking "Was spending the entire day at the doctor's office really that big of a deal?" But having to take an entire day off of work just so I can go to the doctor is a big deal. So I had to make the change.

The new doctor seems okay. He's a bit reserved and not as friendly as Deb (such as I will be referring to him as Doctor Armstrong since I have no idea what his first name is) but he didn't yell at me (it's happened before) so we'll see how it goes. I got another prescription for a month of Effexor and an Alburterol inhaler since my asthma has been acting up a little bit. And then it was time for the one activity I dread the most about having a physical.

You might think that would be having a pap smear but you would be incorrect. I did not have a pap this time since I had one about six months ago (and I had a visitor this time). Plus, paps don't bother me that much. I would rather have one every day for the rest of my life than ever go back to the dentist again. No, it was time to have blood drawn.

I do not like needles.
I do not like rubber bands being tied around my arm because I'm always afraid the nurse is going to snap me when she ties it (it's happened before).
I do not like having blood drawn. I do not. It is horrible.
I will not eat green eggs and ham (checking to see if you're paying attention).

The main reason I hate having blood drawn is because I have small veins that hate me. They do not like to give blood. No. They like to play games. They roll. They dodge the needle. They collapse.

This was probably the worst experience yet (except the time I was in the hospital and they came by to get blood every freaking two hours). The nurse is prepared to take blood from me at about 2:10 PM.

DM: Yeah, this is going to be a problem.
Nurse: Why?

I explain the situation. The nurse decides to give it a shot anyway and puts the rubber band thing on. She examines my elbow.

Nurse: Yeah. You're going to the lab.
DM: That's probably a good idea. Better for both of us.

At 2:15, I'm called into the lab. Lab tech #1 examines my elbow. She's going to go for it.

DM: Ow.
LT1: Sorry. I've got one. Um, oops. Lost it. Well, I'll have lab tech #2 try it.
LT2: Oh, this doesn't look too bad. I'll give it a shot.
DM: Owww.
LT2: Dang it. It moved. You said they sometimes take blood out of your hand?
DM: It usually works the best. They use the butterfly needle.
LT2: Okay. Let's give it a shot.
DM: Ow.
LT2: Huh. Well, there are other options.
DM: What other options are there (I am wondering if they are planning on cutting off my finger or something)?
LT2: We have lab tech #3.
DM: Okay.
LT3: Dana, we're going to have you move over to this chair.
DM: Okay.
LT3: I'm just going to take a look. I'm not going to poke you right away.

Since every single one of them said this before they jabbed a needle into my arm, I don't really believe her. We now go into the dance of the blood pressure cuff.

LT3: Hey. What happened to our good cuff?
LT2: Someone stole it.
DM: What? Is there a black market for blood pressure cuffs?
LT3: One of the other nurses probably took it. Oh, this looks good.
DM: Ow.
LT3: Hey! I got it! I got one!

We all watch, fascinated, as my blood slowly moves through the butterfly needle and long, thin tube to the container. Unfortunately it doesn't last very long.

LT2: It's not enough. It's enough for maybe one container but we need two.
LT3: Dang it. Well, we'll try again.

We continue with the dance of the blood pressure cuff. To make a long story short (too late), they finally ended up drawing the two tubes of blood (why two tubes? Frickin' vampires) from my elbow. Not the inside of the elbow where blood is typically drawn. No. From the outside of it. I was jabbed five times.

And the bruises! Oh my God, the bruises. On my right arm, I have this huge purplish and yellow blotch. It doesn't hurt that much anymore. On my left arm, where they finally ended up drawing the blood, I have a not so dark bruise but it is swollen. As evidenced by the following conversation.

DM: Keem. Look. I am injured. See my bruises? I can never be a junkie.
K: Oh my God. Look at this. Your elbow is swollen.
DM: Ow! You poked me!
K: I was just checking.
DM: You don't say "Hey, your elbow is swollen" and then poke it. That is just wrong.
K: Heeheeheehee.

She is evil. What makes it worse is that, at karaoke, when I was showing off my battle scars and talking about how Keem poked my bruise, Beth decided to do the same thing.

DM: Ow! You poked me!
B: I barely touched you.
DM: I was just talking about how Keem poked me and now you do it?
B: Heeheeheehee!

Beth is also evil.

I suppose in light of the recent James Frey fiasco (which I only know about because some of the bloggers I read have been talking about it), I should remark that my memory sucks and I'm not sure that these conversations all happened exactly the way that I have detailed them. And yes, I know that it is Sunday and these conversations happened on Wednesday and Thursday but I am old and cannot be expected to remember everything that happens.

Before you say anything about my not being old, my sister just signed in.

DM says:
Hello, baby sister!
Kari says:
That is right you are turning 39 aren't you soon. I am the baby.
DM says:
Oh, yeah, rub it in. Brat. You are the baby because you are younger than me. But not that much.

Anyway, Thursday. It was a good night. We got there, it was a little busy so we found a table in the back. Here are the highlights from the evening:

1. I am never singing "Faith" again because I suck at it. Thanks, Beth, for suggesting that I sing it. Yeah. Thanks a lot.
2. This has nothing to do with karaoke but "Invincible" has just started playing on iTunes and I absolutely completely totally love this damn song. I'll have to post the lyrics. I love Ok Go. Just so you all know.
3. This also has nothing to do with karaoke. On IM, I have a picture of a rubber duck as my profile picture. Josh, the most brilliant child ever, just saw it and said "Ernie!" to Kari. I love my nephew.
4. I am never singing "Teddy Bear" again because I suck at that as well. Thanks, Marion, for suggesting I sing it. Yeah. Thanks a lot.
5. Maybe I sucked at them because I decided not to do a warm up song. I know better.
6. Also nothing to do with karaoke. Josh is now sitting on Kari's lap, chanting "Barney, Barney, Barney." Apparently, the giant purple menace to society dinosaur is his favorite. I may have to disown him. Yes, Kari and Eric, I'm just kidding. He is the heir to my vast fortune (excuse me while I giggle hysterically).
7. Liz came over for a little bit. She was going to go sit with Joe Funko, Marion, Reverend James and Shawn (Drunkest man in puppet land) since Marion and R James had been in Key West for two weeks. When showing my bruises to Liz, I said "This is why I can never be a junkie. Other than a karaoke junkie." At the same time I said "karaoke junkie," she said "A James junkie?"
8. James, Matt and Shawn (Different Shawn who we met at Matt's birthday party. For about two minutes. I think he was impressed that we recognized him) came in. They sat up at the bar. Dang it. Matt came over to talk to us and apparently doesn't remember much from his party. So the fact that he told us he wasn't circumcised and that Beth is a temptress appears to have left his memory. If only it would leave ours (well, Beth as a temptress is pretty funny. Char thinks she should get a t-shirt that says that).
9. Later on in the evening, Joe Funko left and there was room at the table so Beth and I moved over. Where we were promptly lectured by R James for not sitting with them previously. Apparently they would have made room for us.
10. While discussing R James and Marion's upcoming wedding, we were trying to decide how Bryan should perform the ceremony. Someone (was it me? I don't remember) said he could do the ceremony like the minister (priest?) from "The Princess Bride." This led to a good five-ten minutes of throwing out random quotes from the movie. "Wove. Twue wove." God, that was great.
11. Shawn sang "Beth" to Beth. In a monotone voice. She was less than pleased. The rest of us were somewhat amused. Except for me! I would never laugh at Beth's discomfort and hatred for that song. Because it would be wrong. Wrong, I tell you.
12. After Shawn left, James came and sat down with us. Next to me. Excuse me while I sigh in a mushy and smitten way.
13. Sigh.
14. At one point, the evening of drunken revelry was brought up. I apologized to James. He asked why. I said "I compared you to Batman." He either said "That was amusing" or "I kind of liked that." I can't remember which. Beth and I prefer to think it was the latter.
15. I then said "Adam West Batman" and he said "Yeah, that was kind of weird" and gave me the opportunity to tell him about Adam West's hotness again.
16. I told him I could have compared him to either Aquaman or The Thing since I had also had huge crushes on them. And he then told me that apparently there is going to be a television series on Aquaman. Which is cool. I like Aquaman. He talks to fish. I'm a Pisces. Obviously we are destined to be together. Well, that was my reasoning when I was five.
17. Have I mentioned that James is really frickin' hot? Because he is.
18. Sigh again.
19. Yeah, I think that's pretty much it from karaoke. It was a fun night. I am looking forward to tonight.

Yesterday, Keem and I went and got our nails done. My nails are now a very pale pink with flowers on the thumb again. We also decided to do a double feature yesterday so I bring you completely unbiased movie reviews.

Fun With Dick and Jane - Beth is not a big Jim Carrey fan but I find him amusing usually. This was a cute movie. It was very exciting for me to see that guy. You know, that guy that I like. Keem, Keem, see him? That guy that I like has been on Buffy, Angel and Firefly. His name is Carlos Jacott (you would think I would be able to remember that) and he's definitely not a big name actor but I really enjoy his performances whenever I see him. Anyway, the movie was good. I laughed a lot which is always a good thing.

Nanny McPhee - Yeah. I loved it. I laughed. I cried. I laughed some more. I thought it was absolutely adorable. Emma Thompson is brilliant. Colin Firth (sigh) is brilliant and ever so sexy. That small child from Love Actually is adorable. All of the children are adorable. They made me want babies. Dang them. It is really nothing like Mary Poppins at all.

Today I get to do laundry. Oh, the excitement continues. But! Tonight! There will be karaoke!

And here you go - the lyrics for Invincible.

Invincible by Ok Go

When they finally come to destroy the earth, they'll have to go through you first.
I bet they won't be expecting that.
When they finally come to destroy the earth, they'll have to deal with you first,
And now my money says they won't know about
The thousand Fahrenheit hot metal lights behind your eyes.
Invincible.
You're invincible.
That crushing, crashing, atom-smashing, white-hot thing... It's invincible.

When they finally come, what'll you do to them?
Gonna decimate them like you did to me?
Will you leave them stunned and stuttering?
When they finally come, how will you handle them?
Will you devastate them deliberately?
'Cause I'm gonna guess they won't be prepared for
Thousand Fahrenheit hot metal lights behind your eyes.
Invincible.
You're invincible.
That crushing, crashing, atom-smashing, white-hot thing... It's invincible.
So, please use your powers for good. You're invincible.

I'd like to think this is accurate. Oh! And I'm reaching possible aliens. Isn't that cool?

You Are Lightning

Beautiful yet dangerous. People will stop and watch you when you appear. Even though you're capable of random violence You are best known for: your power Your dominant state: performing

What Type of Weather Are You?

I have nothing to report and a meme

No, Teri, I did not drink last night. Remember? I am never drinking again.

As for what I've been dreading/looking forward to all week, I have no idea what to tell you. Apparently we are pretending that I never said anything to him. I think. I don't know. He ended up sitting at the other end of the table so we didn't really talk that much (apparently he was going to sit by me but Amy had been sitting next to me and came back to the table at that time. She was going to move but by then he had headed to the other side).

At the end of the evening, he stood up and said that he was leaving. He then looked at me and asked if I was good. I said yes. He asked if I was sure. I said I was fine. He smiled and left.

I compared the man to Batman and that's all I get? ARGGGH! Sometimes I really hate men. Why can't they be simple and uncomplicated like women...oh, yeah. I forgot that we're kind of difficult to understand as well.

So I have no idea what, if anything, is going on. I was really expecting the "I'm very flattered but I think it's best if we're just friends" talk. I would think that would be the first thing out of his mouth if there was absolutely no chance whatsoever.

It comes down to this - I don't regret telling him how I feel. I definitely don't regret kissing him. But I can't continue to put myself out there anymore. He knows how I feel. If he's interested, hopefully he will let me know. If he's not interested, hopefully he'll let me know. Or perhaps, there could be a sign from God. Maybe the sky opening up with a nice voice coming from above saying "Dana, the answer is quite simple..."

There was some light teasing last night but nothing horrendous. When Craig was telling us it wasn't that bad, I said "Craig. I told you I would do you." His response? "So? You tell me that when you're sober." Oh. Yeah, I guess I do. Craig is fun to flirt with and not bad to look at either (read - quite hot) but I'm not interested in him at all.

Anyway, thanks for all of your patience during this Gil/James thing. I'm sure you'll continue to hear about him because it's not like I am going to stop liking him. Unfortunately, I think this stupid Like or Smit or whatever you want to call it is never going to go away. Dang it.

Found this on Teri's site. She got it from Jo(e).

I saw this at Jo(e)'s last week, and intended to do it then, but life interfered.

Hair: Colored, permed, kind of out of control. But longish! Almost to my shoulders. I'm trying to find a new picture for my profile picture.

What do you think of this one?



Beth also took a picture of me communing with one of the glow ducks while completely sober. She hasn't posted it yet. Oh, did I mention that when I say communing, I mean that it is resting on my forehead?

Wearing: pink capris and a pink tank top. I kind of like pink. Not as much as orange.

Drinking: The remainder of the $34 worth of juice that I bought. Pineapple juice by itself is very sweet. It's much better served with vodka and grenadine, not that I am ever drinking again. I am also drinking water.

Listening to: My Confusion City playlist - 123 songs that remind me that love is very confusing, painful and sometimes worth it in the long run. The song playing at this exact moment is the live version of Use Me performed by Hootie & the Blowfish. Shut up. I like Hootie & the Blowfish. It's a cover of a Bill Withers song.

Reading: Carnal Innocence by Nora Roberts. I've read it about four or five times and I know some sections almost completely by memory but I love her books and the way she describes people and places. There's also a Harlequin Intrigue called Her Cowboy Protector that is my bathroom book. It is less than exciting.

Why I hate Mondays

From the time frame, you might be thinking that I'm at work. But you would be wrong. I was going to work today. I got up, showered, brushed my teeth and headed out the door to catch the bus (after putting clothes on, of course).

That was my first mistake.

Somehow, I'm not sure how, I missed my bus. So I waited. And waited some more. About twenty minutes. And then the next bus came. And I got on it.

That was my second mistake.

After about fifteen minutes, while wondering why the bus was going a different way than I remembered, the bus driver said "This is the last stop."

"What?"

"This is the last stop," he repeated.

"You don't go to Concord?" Obviously not, Dana, else you would be at work and not riding around West Saint Paul.

"No, that's the 71D."

Brilliant. I am brilliant. Didn't even bother to check to make sure I got on the right bus. I always check. Even when I am absolutely positive it's the right bus, I'll usually ask because I am paranoid that something like this will happen.

The bus driver was headed back downtown so he dropped me off at Lafayette and 7th and I walked a block to the closest bus stop. There I caught a 54 something or another and got dropped off on 6th and Robert. I live on Robert and Kellogg, a good three blocks away. If you have never been to downtown Saint Paul, our blocks, while not as long as the blocks in Las Vegas, are very long.

I got home, checked to see when the next bus would come and then ran to the bathroom and threw up.

So yeah, I'm going back to bed. Here's hoping that Monday doesn't decide to get me in any other horrible ways.

How to completely ignore all of the advice you have been given*

*Alternative title is "Why Beth is trying to kill me."

I am an advice ignorer. Just so you know. Except for all of the juice advice. I drank lots and lots of juice and still am. I am not a big fan of orange juice, just so you know. I don't like pulp. Also, V8 Splash Fruit Medley, while only 10% juice, is quite possibly the best juice ever. It is like liquid crack. I am also not fond of chicken soup. I am not sure why. I like chicken. I like soup. But I do not like them combined. Do you know what I had for lunch the last two days? I'll tell you. Cheez-its and cream cheese. It is the best snack ever. And so easy to prepare. Put cream cheese in a bowl. Pour Cheez-its into bowl. Drag Cheez-its through cream cheese. Devour. Drink more juice.

If you read the comments from my post where I whined about being sick, you will understand why I want Sheryl to be my mom. She would read Beatrix Potter books to me. I love Beatrix Potter books. They had rabbits and squirrels and didn't make me cry like The Velveteen Rabbit. Actually, I have decided that I want all of you to be my moms because I like the idea of having multiple moms and then I could wear a t-shirt that says "I love my multiple moms" and then I could get a bumper sticker that I like that says "Doing my best to piss off the religious right." Except I don't have a bumper to put the bumper sticker on. This presents a problem.

Okay. I became somewhat random there. The point to this post is that I ignored the very good advice that I received from not only all of you but my actual mother (who is back in Arizona). My mom sent me the following email advice, after I whined to her about not being here. I have highlighted the part that I laughed at when I read it. And not a "Oh, Mom, you're so funny" sort of way. No, it was "Woman, are you on crack?" type of laugh.

"Sounds like a head cold. Drink lots of hot fluids and soups and keep warm as possible, supposed to help chase away the virus. Also if you could purchase some of those Airborn losenges you fizz in water and drink that Kari uses - cheaper at Walgreens, called Walborne's, as they have auto immune fighters to shorten the length of the cold. Sorry I am not there to mother you, this is the best I can do. No going out on Sunday night, at least not staying out late. You need to be healthy for Monday morning so you don't lose your vacation/sick days, too early in the year!"

My response was short and to the point (they usually are when emailing my mother. She has a tendency to go off on tangents (I don't take after her at all. Shut up) and a two sentence email from me can and has garnered a three page reply.

You're kidding about not going out tomorrow, right? Because this is the chance to see James and see what his response is to my drunken pledge of adoration. I'll be fine. I spent $34 on juice. Juice is our friend.

What was I talking about again? Um, oh, yeah, ignoring advice.

So Beth called me tonight (last night? I get confused when I post early in the morning) and somehow convinced me that it would be a good idea to go out to eat and to see a movie. I am not sure what it is about Beth but she seems to have this way of convincing me to do things that I am not sure I really want to do. I wanted to stay in and stare at the television and bore myself to tears but this would not result in laughter. Laughter is bad. Well, no, laughter is good and I really, really like it but my lungs do not like it right now. They reject laughter. Part of the rejection process includes me coughing a lot and that kind of hurts.

But I am not immune to Beth's mystical powers and so I agreed that yes, hey, going to a movie would be a good plan. She picked me up and we headed to some place where there are restaurants. We were going to go to Axel's Bonfire (best Creme Brulee in the world. Trust me on this) because Jen, the best waitress in the world (no, I don't exagerrate at all. What are you talking about), works there on Friday nights. But Bonfires (our name for the place) was packed so we decided to go to the Green Mill. This place where the restaurants are is called "The Village" which seems somewhat pretentious for a bunch of eateries and shops clustered together. It is a mall without being a mall if that makes any sense.

Parking at "The Village" is bizarre. We ended up parking in front of Bonfires and walked around to the entrance and then had to walk around the other side to the Green Mill. When I am sick and my lungs hate me, they like to play tricks on me - such as fun games known "Hey! How long can you walk for without air?"

The food was very good. We ordered onion rings as an appetizer and then both had the Blackjack burger - Cajun style with bacon and pepper jack cheese. Very yummy. We followed up with turtle cheesecake (with the whipped cream and pecans on the side since Beth doesn't like either and I am fond of them). Then it was off to the movie.

Hey. I've got an idea. You're already having a hard time breathing. You find yourself coughing if you laugh too hard (which didn't help that Beth found out some more info about our night of craziness and we were laughing over that) so what better way to spend the evening then watching "The Producers."

It was Beth's idea to go so this is where our alternative title comes from. She is obviously trying to kill me. We laughed so hard during the movie and then afterwards, we were singing some of the songs and quoting from it. It's kind of a nice change from "Oh my God. I compared him to Batman. And not just any Batman. Noooooo. Adam West."

I think my favorite quote is this:

Leo Bloom (Matthew Broderick, right after Nathan Lane has dashed water in his face to try an d calm him down): I'm wet! I'm hysterical and I'm wet!

Max Bialystock (Nathan Lane) slaps him.

Leo Bloom: OW! I'm in pain! I'm in pain, and I'm wet, and I'm still hysterical!

Anyway, I had a great night. Took my mind off of my cold (except when I started coughing from all the dang laughter). I'm going to try sleeping again. I had to get up because I was, yes, you guessed it, coughing.

I am tentatively looking forward to tomorrow night. I am also a bit nervous. I'm pretty sure that James and I will have the "We're just going to be friends" talk which would be fine. Unless, of course, I tell him that none of it ever happened and ignore the topic completely. I don't think I'll get away with that, though. I have a feeling at least one person is going to be singing the Batman theme song. Dang it.

Keem. I am dying.

Keem is not here so I can't tell her that. I am not actually dying. But I like to tell her that when I am sick. She enjoys it so (well, actually, not really).

I went to work today. I lasted a full hour. Well, actually, only 58 minutes. But it's the thought that counts, right?

Hope you all have a good weekend. I'll be lying in bed, petting Eddy. Keem is gone for the weekend to LaCrosse so Eddy loves me again. But when she returns, I become chopped liver again. Or maybe not chopped liver since I imagine he would like that.

Obviously I am being punished for Sunday

So I'm back at work. How lucky for me.

I woke up this morning with a sore throat, stuffy nose, coughing, etc. Took a cab to work because I couldn't handle the horror of the bus (was also running late).

My lips and tongue are numb again but I can't blame alcohol (or James) this time. Sucrets do not just numb your throat. Have you ever tried talking to someone when you can't feel your tongue? Sluricane Dana isn't only my nickname when I've been drinking, apparently.

I have 97 posts to read from bloglines so, unless something extremely exciting happens to me, you probably won't hear from me for a little bit (but I will be commenting on your blogs).

Beth and I are not going to karaoke tonight. A part of me is very relieved about this. We will return on Sunday. Stay tuned.

This Made Us Laugh

In the year 2006 I resolve to: Swallow more, spit less. Get your resolution here

Alcohol is bad but I'm kind of grateful for it

Okay, if you would like to know what I'm talking about (if you didn't read the drunken postings), please click here for my post and Beth's post about what happens when we drink way too much. Oh and then click here for pictures of our adventures (The warning label is found here. Thanks, flea).


Are you back? Good.

For the record, I woke up at about noon on Monday with a seriously bad headache and sore muscles but took some ibuprofen and woke up just fine later that afternoon. No hangover. Just a lot of saying "Oh my God!" as I remembered what happened and alternating between laughter and cringing.

I want to emphasis that we did plan for this and had arranged that Char was going to drive us home before we started upon our carousing. We are responsible and would not drive while intoxicated. This is especially good since I still do not have a driver's license.

Here's what I remember of the evening that Beth didn't cover in the follow-up post (or the comment she left on her drunken post):

After about three drinks, Beth and I confided in each other that we really weren't drunk, we were just pretending to be more impaired than we actually were. But, hey, a few more drinks took care of that. I had seven of what is commonly known as a pineapple upside down cake (but it wasn't the normal shot, Bobby pours these for us in regular bar glasses) and two buttery nipples. Beth had nine and two. I was trying to catch up with her but never managed.

I'm not really sure when I lost control of my voice. What I mean by this is that I started saying things to people in what I thought was a whisper but apparently wasn't. This included telling the entire table (and some surrounding tables) that I was "fucking horny."

When Craig arrived and saw that we were drinking, we had the following conversation:

Craig (as a joke): You two are drinking? I'm going to get lucky tonight.
DM: Craig, we've already established that I would do you.
Craig: Do what to me?
DM: No. Not to you. Do you. You know.

This is because last Thursday Beth said to me "Admit it, if there were no consequences, you would sleep with Craig." And I said "Oh, yeah. Of course." I do find Craig is very attractive and like him a lot but I'm not in like with him. He is a good friend and would never take advantage of anyone when they are drunk. He did, however, spend a good part of the evening trying to get a paper airplane fly into my cleavage.

I'm not quite sure how he missed since there was a lot exposed. Enough that one of the guys at the neighboring table asked me about my dragon tattoo and I then showed that table the misspelled one.

Throughout the evening, different men would go up and sing and I would tell Amy that they were my future husband. At the end of the evening, I had five future husbands. Six, if you count Peyton Manning (he's a football player. I think). The five men could also sing well. I'm not sure if Peyton Manning can sing but he's cute.

DM (to Amy, when one of the guys from the neighboring table was talking to her): Is it appropriate to tell him that he's my 2nd husband.
2nd husband: I'm not ever getting married.
DM: That's okay. You can sing. That's all that matters.
2nd husband: Who's your first husband?
DM: Some guy. He sang "Me & Mrs. Jones."

Except I think I said something like "Mr. Jones. No, Mrs. Jones. You know. That song." Amy laughed at me. A lot. She has pretty hair. I told her that. And then I think I played with it. Because that's not weird at all.

Being prone to suggestion (damn it!), I was talked into singing "Strokin'" by Angie. This was my 2nd song that night. The first one was "Change the World" and I was somewhat sober at that time. I was not sober for "Strokin'" at all (no pun intended).

Bryan: What are you singing?
DM: (The number for "Strokin'" which I don't remember right now)
Bryan: Are you singing "Strokin'?"
DM: Yeah.
Bryan: I know they're trying to get you to sing it because you're drunk. But you don't have to sing it. I'll back you up. I'm on your side here.
DM: Thanks. But that's okay. I'll sing it.

I'm sure I wasn't that articulate.

Bryan: Okay.

I really appreciate Bryan trying to protect me. And I should probably have listened. But I didn't. Damn it. I don't really remember much of the song except that I was singing (except this song isn't really a singing song. It's more of a talking song except when you get to the chorus) about a half measure ahead of the prompter. Oops.

Beth came up and started dancing. But you would know that from the pictures. I am pretty sure I didn't dance. I started to with the ducks but Char reminded me that I had asked her to stop me if I started glow ducking (if Beth can figure out how to post it, there is actually a video of me glow ducking the following day at about 6 PM. In my pajamas. And completely sober. Great).

Fast forward to later on that evening. All of a sudden Char said "James is here."

Let me take a moment to remind you all that I have liked James forever. Okay, actually since last January when I first saw him. I was telling Beth yesterday that I noticed him before I even knew him. He had walked into the bar and something about him caught my attention. I don't know what it was but ever since then I was hooked. It took me a long time to admit that I liked him. Which Beth and Johnny can testify to since I dragged them into a shop in Portugal so I could buy him a moped I had seen in the window. This was in April. It took me until May 21st to actually admit to liking him. And that was under his code name Gil. That stands for Guy I like but is also a reference to Gil Grissom on CSI: because James reminds me of him. A lot.

I do remember that he sat next to Beth and she started talking to him. A lot. I was terrified that she was going to tell him that I liked him. But not Beth. She's way too subtle for that. No, instead she told him he was old. And then clarified it by saying old for her. But he needed the love of a good woman.

In her follow-up post to the drunken post (not the one with pictures), she wrote this:

I told James that my boobies, Angie's, Amy's, Liz's, Sarah's, and Char's boobies were off limits. I did not tell him DM's boobies were on limits, but it was implied. And he's not an idiot.

I remember turning to Amy and saying "Amy! Make Beth stop talking!" I also walked up to Bobby and pleaded with him.

DM: Bobby! Make Beth stop talking. Please!
Bobby: Why?
DM: Because she's going to tell James I like him.
Bobby (restrained laughter): She sure does seem to be talking a lot.

At one point, someone made a comment about oral sex. I do not remember who. I do remember James looking at me.

DM (casually): I swallow.

I can only imagine the look of horror on my face after I realized what I had just said. I do remember feeling my eyes get bigger in shock.

DM: Oh my GOD! I am never drinking again.
Dean (turning to James): Why is she never drinking again?
James: She swallows.

Angie, Amy & Liz heard that. Angie took the time to tell me a joke that I am not sure I can repeat. Oh, what the hell, it's not like I haven't embarrassed myself enough already.

Angie: Dana, how can you tell if a man has a high sperm count?
DM: I don't know.
Angie: You have to chew first.
DM: Ewww.

I remember looking at Liz and I am pretty sure that she told me to lick James. Or to tell him how I felt. Or something. When Beth had moved to tell someone else something, I got up and sat down next to him.

I do not remember exactly how the conversation started. I do know that I told him the following things:

I like him. A lot.

DM: Why do you think I was so terrified about Beth talking to you? I was afraid she was going to tell you.
James: That's what you were so worried about?
DM: Yeah.
James: Why?
DM: Because you're like the captain of the football team.

He laughs.

DM: Why does everyone laugh when I tell them that?

I also told him that I was jealous when Stephanie kisses him. I forgot to add that it was because I was jealous that she could just walk up to him and kiss him and I was too chicken to do it. I also told him that I thought it was hot when Barry kissed him.

I told him I wanted to lick him. And then, with his permission, I proceed to do so. He tastes very yummy.

He was singing something to Liz (don't remember what it was now).

Liz: You shouldn't sing.
DM: He sings really good.
Liz: He sings well. You feel really good.
DM: Yeah.

I remember telling him about the time that there was a cop and Beth, Char and I had a conversation about it. This is the part from the conversation that I told him about:

On the way home, Beth, Char and I (do you not just love the fact that our names are alphabetical? Isn't that cool? Or is it just me) were talking about the evening - playing darts, karaoke, Bryan and Liz and the rest of the cool table, Gil (guy I like), etc. Then a car passes by us and we have the following conversation.

Beth (B): That's a cop.
Char (C): He's going a bit fast, isn't he?
DM (D): Is it wrong that I want to lick his earlobe?

There is a dead silence. Both Beth and Char look at me.

B: Oh! You mean Gil.
C: Not the cop.
D: Well, yeah.

I told him he was the sexiest man in the universe. That he was quite possibly the most perfect man ever and I even liked it when he burped (which is obvious proof of my insanity). I compared him to Batman. The original Batman (that would be Adam West).

James: You're comparing me to Adam West?
DM: Are you kidding? He's hot. Especially when he was young.

Those of you who would doubt that should click on this link and go to photo number 30. Holy hotness, Batman!

I do not regret kissing him or telling him any of this. I'm glad I did it. I may never return to the Chalet but I don't regret Sunday night. At least it's out in the open. Oh, God, is it ever.

For the record, if nothing happens between us, I'm okay with that. When I told him that I didn't understand why he was single because he's the most handsome man in the universe, he said that he valued his friendships more than relationships. Which I think is cool.

Oh, and I told him he had the sexiest earlobes ever. And a great ass. And that his forearms were sexy. And I kissed him. He kissed me back. It was very nice. I like his lips. It was not a long kiss and no, there was not any tongue. No, that came later when I hugged him goodbye and licked him again.

Oh my God. I licked James. Twice.

And just for the hell of it.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Batman!

1. Batman will always turn right when leaving a cave.
2. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching Batman!
3. The Batman-fighting market in the Philippines is huge - several thousand Batman-fights take place there every day!
4. The Church of Scientology was founded in 1953, at Washington D.C., by Batman!
5. Two thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in Batman!
6. The original nineteenth-century Coca-Cola formula contained Batman!
7. If you lie on your back with your legs stretched it is impossible to sink in Batman!
8. Baskin Robbins once made Batman flavoured ice cream.
9. When Batman is swallowed, he will enter the blood stream within twenty minutes.
10. Apples are covered with a thin layer of Batman!

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

Cool!

Found on Teri's site:

(Not sure what it means)

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Dana!

1. New Zealand was the first place to allow Dana to vote.
2. Moles are able to tunnel through 300 feet of Dana in a day.
3. Dana is the only metal that is liquid at room temperature!
4. Dana is born white; her pink feathers are caused by pigments in her typical diet of shrimp!
5. Dana was named after Dana the taxi driver in Frank Capra's 'It's a Wonderful Life'!
6. Louisa May Alcott, author of 'Little Dana', hated Dana and only wrote the book at her publisher's request.
7. It is bad luck to light three cigarettes with the same Dana.
8. Grapes explode if you put them inside Dana!
9. If you lie on your back with your legs stretched it is impossible to sink in Dana.
10. It's bad luck to put Dana on a bed.

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

Remember when I said I was never going to drink again?

I lied. I lied a lot.

I am drunk. Silly drunk, really really drunk.

You may have read bet'hs post. she is also drunk as well.

Ow. I just hit my nose on the scrapbook. Beth said that.

Foot. Foot. Dana put foot out.

I did put my foot out. Bethds and I touched foots.

Beth "that is not as fun as I thought it would be.'

Remember Gil? He is really named James. I likkkkke him a lots. I tlkd him that tonite. I lickdsa him twice. I also kissed him.

My lips are num. I ams not sure if it is from kissing jms or from lots of liqor.

Bth is hvng issues wi/th the start button. she is making fried frice. how long do yuro nujke it for? she is going to nukde it for 90 scneds. seconds.

I tldo some guy that he was going to be my 2nd husband because he cld sing and that's all i canred abt. I think I said I am marrying 5 men. and some guy who plays football because his cute. his name is petyon manning. i think. Amy laughed at me. I think everyone laguhted at me tonight.

o9h my GOD! i kissted Jmases. what was i thinking?

I told him he was the sexidst guy in the world...universe. and that he was the captain of the football team. and that i wanted to lick his ears.

i can'tws post anymre. i am drunkdsa. did I mention that?

goodnight world.

bthe wrote more. i am going to link. hopefully. i m not sure i remember how. http://sheepsheadianstories.blogspot.com/2006/01/cause-music-is-cool-drunken-posting.html

Don't let them win!

It's National Delurking Week! It's the best week ever! Here's the deal - Sheryl (you all remember Sheryl, she gave me the most perfect banner ever) from Paper Napkin created this last year but it was just a day so she decided to make it a week long thing.

Here's how it works. If you read my blog but don't comment, please, please, please comment. I need comments. It is like air to me. Do you want me to suffocate in a cold, harsh, commentless world? Say something to me. Let me know how long you have been reading. Is there a topic you want me to post about? Maybe you could just say hi? Please? Pretty please? Don't make me cry, internets, it happens frequently enough as it is (as Beth pointed out to everyone last night at karaoke - I cried at "Troy." When I said I don't like it when people die, I had Amy, Beth and Craig all saying "It's a war movie! Hello!).

This post is going to be remaining on top all week so don't forget to check to see if I have other posts below it. Because, in case I didn't mention it, I love comments.

4 by 4 (Okay, it's a really bad take on Faith's constant saying of 5 by 5 but I don't care)

A couple of people have done this lately and I really have nothing leaping out of my brain to be written so here goes.

Four jobs I've had in my life (for fun, I have decided to make these some of the worst jobs I’ve ever had):
Cotton Candy maker - Worst job ever. I had worked for a temp agency and this was a one day job, making cotton candy at a circus. When I was done for the day, I had sugar everywhere. The smell of cotton candy makes me sick.
Office Manager for a small wire company - 2nd worst job ever. I worked for a husband & wife team who seemed to have teamed up to drive me insane. I ended up walking out on them. This was probably a good thing because I used to fantasize that she would break down and kill him and I would testify on her behalf. Until she turned on me as well. Then I used to fantasize about how I would kill them and no one would ever blame me.
Survey taker - I stood around in the mall and asked people to take surveys. Oh, the joy. It was one of three jobs I had working in the mall. During the Christmas season. Have I ever mentioned that I really, really hate shopping at the mall? Because I do.
Drink dispenser - At a Pineapple Charlie’s (not the real name but I’m sure you can figure it out) kiosk (in the mall). What made this one of the worst jobs on my list? Oh, how about playing Russian Roulette with the boxes of oranges? I am allergic to mold and sometimes, on those really lucky days, I would reach into a box, pull out an orange that looked perfectly healthy and it turned out to be moldy (Mold affects me three different ways – when I ingest it, I get very ill. If it is in the air, it affects my respritory system (let me tell you that Spring and Fall, while my favorite seasons are also horrible for me because of allergies). If I touch it, it makes me dizzy and I break out into hives). Or there’s the time I got sick with pneumonia and had this strange dream that the Columbian banana cartel was going to start a war with us because we weren’t using the correct bananas. Good times.

Four movies I could (and do) watch over and over:
The Imposters
So I Married an Axe Murderer
My Cousin Vinny
The Princess Bride

Four places I've lived:
Mahtomedi, MN
Madison, WI
Blaine, MN
Saint Paul, MN

Four TV shows I love to watch:
Lost
Simpsons
CSI:
How I Met Your Mother

Four places I've been on vacation:
Portugal
Vegas
Yellowstone Park
Waterloo, IA

Four websites I visit daily:
Sheepsheadian Stories
Bloglines (to see which of my favorite reads have published a new post)
My.myway.com (it’s my home page)
Whichever blog has recently published

Four of my favorite foods:
Steak
Bread & Butter
Cheese
Crème Brule (but only if it is from Axel’s Bonfires because it tastes more like pudding and less like hot eggs (they cool it before they serve it))

Four places I'd rather be:
Portugal
At karaoke
Vegas
Barnes and Noble (or any bookstore/library)

Four albums I can't live without:
Mechanical Bride – Medium (Bryan’s band)
Oh No – OK Go (I found a link to their video for A Million Ways off of Nothing But Bonfires and they are starting to become one of my favorites. You should watch the video, it is hilarious. My computer sucked and wouldn’t play it very well but what I saw and heard was enough to convince me to download their album from iTunes (evil, evil iTunes, it is so tempting))
All of The Nadas albums that I have downloaded on to iTunes (Thanks, Matt (the boss) for getting me completely hooked on them)
Self-Titled – Kane (Christian Kane’s (Lindsey from Angel, the young Robert Duvall’s character in Secondhand Lions) band. It’s country with a rock beat and Christian Kane is quite possibly the sexiest man ever)

Four people to tag:
(I'm not tagging anyone. If you like this one, do it. If not, don't worry.)

What to write? What to write?

Okay, some people (Teri) are a tiny bit impatient and have pointed out that I have gone two whole days without posting. So, without further ado, I am posting this:

I am at a complete lost and have no idea what to write about.

Any suggestions? Questions for me? Should I post the really long, drawn out reason as to why I always get depressed around my birthday and not even Effexor can keep me from getting sad (well, not completely. Although I have doubled my dosage and am doing fine and even have a bit more energy and have actually been exercising (not much but more than I normally do so it counts, right?)) and down on myself? Should I pull out my "Book of If" and answer random questions such as "If you could go back in time and murder one person, who would that be (the answer is Adolf Hitler)?"

Here is something that amused me on the way to work today. We passed two billboards.

The first one is for an antique shop that went out of business because the owner was retiring. The sign reads "Display cases and sheving for sale."

DM: Keem! Look! We can buy some display cases and sheving! I wonder what sheving is.
K: Hmm. Do you think it could be shelving?
DM: It could be.

Then we drive by Walgreens.

DM: Hey! We could go buy some mlik (mlik is a lot harder to say than you would think)!
K: We could! That would be fun.

Okay. That's all I've got. Going to go and catch up on the multiple of posts that bloglines is presenting me with. You're all being so productive and I'm slacking on my reading. Stupid tax season. It is taking away all of my fun.

Oh. Something else. When talking to stock holders, I've noticed that they come up with some creative ways of pronouncing my name. I can understand Anna and Donna, those are the two most common mispronounciations. But Pam? Heather? That's not even close.

My Mother, the Terminator

You know how I mentioned that my Mom was coming over to help me clean my room? Well, she did.

Brief, completely biased movie reviews to get out of the way first. Cheaper By the Dozen 2 was very cute. I loved the book that this is based on and am thinking I'm going to have to find the book to read again. I remembered reading it in junior high and just being fascinated with the Gilbreth family. The movies are, of course, a modern day telling of what it would be like to raise 12 children (yikes) and I liked both of them. It helps, of course, that I love Steve Martin and think he is very funny. Plus, Tom Welling? Yeah, he's hot. Small part but still, he's hot. And then there was the bonus of Eugene Levy in the sequel.

Keem and I went to meet Katie at Don Pablo's after the first movie and then the 3 of us went to see The Chronicles of Narnia. My mother and Kari were meeting us there. What can I say about the Chronicles of Narnia? It was fantastic. Very true to the book, there were a few things different (such as an explanation as to why the children were sent to the country to live) but nothing major. I think C.S. Lewis would have been pleased. I certainly hope that they are planning one making more of these movies, I would go to every single one. The actors that played the children were wonderful, the little girl who played Lucy was my favorite and made me want a child (again. Dammit. At least she wasn't a baby. And really, she's an actress, right? She's probably not that adorable in real life. Right?) and I have a slight crush on the boy who played Peter and am refraining from finding out how old he is because I have a feeling that this is wrong, similar to my slight crush on Frankie Muniz (but he's over 18 now! Yay! Don't judge me. He wore a tux in Agent Cody Banks. I'm weak). Okay. I checked it out. He was born two years after I graduated from high school. 19 years old. Sigh. Why are the cute ones always so damn young?

Keem, Katie, and I all loved the movie. Kari liked it. Mom did not. I don't understand my mother. I thought she would like it but her comment was that she doesn't like make believe. Neither she or Kari like to read that much either. Sometimes I wonder about whether or not I was adopted but Mom and I do look a lot alike.

So my point is, go see The Chronicles of Narnia. Keem and I want to go again.

Anyway, after the movie, Mom came over and we were going to start cleaning my room that evening but we were a little tired. Mom decided she wanted to go to bed and I was okay with that. I was thinking I could hang with Keem and Jeff for a little bit but no. Mom tells me I have to go to bed as well because "If you are too tired to clean, you are too tired to do anything else." I escaped out to the living room for a little while but she found me. Do you know how weird it is being 38 and having your mother come and get you and tell you to go to bed? It's very odd. Jeff and Keem thought this was very funny.

I set the alarm for 7:30 (on a Sunday. This is wrong on so many levels) and Mom and I began to clean. She would not stop. After about two hours, I was looking in Keem's room to check if she was awake because she had said she would make breakfast. I was looking forward to a break of some sort.

Mom was ruthless. Every time I tried to sit down, she was right there. If I wandered off to Keem's room, she would find me. In desperation, at about 1 PM, I sought out Keem.

DM: Keem. You distract her. I'll hit her over the head with something.
K: Driving you crazy, is she?
DM: She won't go away! She won't let me call Kari to come pick her up.
K: She is spending quality time with you, Dana.
DM: This is not quality time. This is torture!

But, eventually, my room was Mom approved. Or at least Mom approved enough for me to take a nap so I could get ready for karaoke. I am very impressed with my room now.
There is actual room. No paths. There is space. And floor! I said goodbye to Mom and joyfully slept the sleep of the productive.

Beth picked me up and we headed off to karaoke. I was telling her about the situation.

DM: It's like she's the Terminator. But not the nice "Come with me if you want to live" Terminator from Terminator 2. No. She was the "I'll be back" Terminator. I told her I had to take a nap for karaoke and she said NO!
B: You did take a nap, right?
DM: Yeah. But not until 5:30!

I guess I should just be grateful that my room is probably the most clean I've seen it in awhile, right? Yeah. I'll be grateful now.

Let's play catch up

For those of you wondering, yes, I did go to karaoke last night. While it was fun and exciting to see Beth, Liz, Amy, Sara, Shannon and Craig*, there was no Gil. I am not sure if I am relieved about this or not.

*The only guy at a table of girls. He seems to enjoy this status. Especially since last night I told him that I loved him, he was the most handsome man in the bar and asked him to knock me up (He's not doing that any more (he has two children), I was informed. Apparently he'll have "fun" but no kids. Dang it. Our kids would be adorable (No, I have not cracked. I still do not want children)). Craig is fun to mock flirt with. Kind of like Andrew.

I think I am relieved. This is because, when Liz arrived, I told her about what Dean had told Beth and I, that Gil knows I like him. We had the following conversation.

L: I wouldn't be surprised by that. You do sing to him.
DM: I do NOT sing to him!
L: Yes. Yes, you do.
DM: Noooooooo.
L: Beth? Am I right?
B: Yes. Dana, you do sing to him.
DM: I will sing what he asks me but I don't sing to him directly.
L: You choose songs to sing when you know he'll be walking in.
DM: No! I don't! I can't!

I did not win this argument. Apparently I not only sing to him but I also have a special pose that I use when I am singing when he is around. Supposedly I lean up against the wall and put one foot up, either against the wall or on the stool. Like I am shy. I am still in denial about this. Liz also said that I apparently told him I wanted to lick him one night when I had been drinking. I do not remember this. Beth played along with Liz because she is evil but later told me she doesn't remember this either and isn't sure if I actually said it.

As you can imagine, I am looking forward to becoming a nun now. However, everyone laughs at me when I say that. Apparently nuns don't want to have sex. I so need to form my own order. Oh. And possibly convert. I'm pretty sure I'd need to be Catholic for this.

Anyway, since I've been working on this for awhile, here is the story of what happened last Friday, when Beth and I went to Matt's birthday party.

When Matt invited us to his party, he told us at where the “cool table” hangs out at on Sundays before they come up to karaoke. So, you can just imagine Beth and my excitement when we realized that not only were we invited to Matt’s party, we were actually going to step foot on that rarefied ground, Old Mexico.

Yes. We were excited about getting invited to a comic book geek’s birthday party that was taking place at a chain restaurant. We laugh at ourselves as well.

The plan was to meet Beth at the Chalet so she didn’t have to drive to Saint Paul, pick me up and drive back to Old Mexico. I took a cab. I have had some interesting experiences sitting in the back seat of a cab since Beth and I have started going to the Chalet on Thursday nights. This one is no exception (I may have to start a new category called Crazy Cab Rides).

Matt’s party was on Friday. As you all know, on Thursday, I was home sick, cursing the germs that made me vomit. Vomiting is bad. Friday I was feeling better but still a bit queasy. So. What’s the worst possible thing that you could encounter if you’re still feeling a bit nauseous? The answer would be stepping into a cab that reeks of floral scented puke. Not my idea of fun. Plus, it’s Minnesota. So the heat is blaring. That does not help the situation at all.

As I sit there, I start listening to the radio to see if it will distract me from the smell. And, oh boy, does it ever. The cab driver is listening to a talk show. But what a talk show! There appears to be a male and female host.

Caller 1 (male): Well, I’m trying to cut down.
Male host: You’re giving it up?
C1: I’m not doing it as much.
Female host: So you’re not stroking it as much?
DM (To self): What? What did she just say?
FH: Are you down to one or two days a week?
C1: Well, I used to do it anywhere from 10 to 12 times a day. I’m down to one or two times a day.
MH: Yeah, you’re out of here. Bye!

The next caller comes on the line.

Caller 2 (female): Hi.
FH: How are you?
C2: I'm okay. My boyfriend only likes anal sex.
MH: Really?
C2: Yeah. But he wants to receive the anal sex.
MH: What? Oh!
C2: And I'm not sure what I should do about this.
FH: Buy him anal beads.

Okay. This is just bizarre. Fortunately, the cab driver hears "anal beads" and flips the station. Fortunately again, we are almost to the Chalet. As we pull into the parking lot, I start digging through my purse, looking for the $20 I pulled out. At the same time, my cell phone rings. I try to grab that and find the $20 at the same time. It doesn't work well. I glance at the phone to see that it is Beth. I answer. I don't hear anything. I look at the phone. Call ended. Great. I get my change from the cab driver and am trying to zip up my purse/exit from the cab when the phone rings again. I answer again. I hear something word like but no clue. Call ended again! Argh!

I am about to walk into the Chalet when a silver car pulls in front of me. How rude! Can't the driver see that I'm walking here...oh. It's Beth. How can she be here so quickly? It's only 11:40 PM. She got off work at 11:30 PM. I knew she was a fast driver but that's kind of crazy! I hop in and we are on our way to Old Mexico.

After a false start on my part (I've been there and told Beth I would be able to find it without any problem), we make it to Old Mexico and then try to figure out where the party is. Then we see Barry. He directs us and then we see a whole bunch of people.

We saw Matt right away and gave him the cards we had lovingly constructed for him. Okay. Let me rephrase that. Neither Beth or I actually remembered to buy or make Matt a card. At the last minute, Beth reminded me of this and so Keem and I made a frantic search for pre-made cards because all of Keem's stamping stuff is at work. Keem did find two pre-made partial cards. These are like postcards. I also found two cards I had made at a Stamping Up workshop a few years ago.

Beth and I decided to go with the cards I had made. Beth used the one that had ladybugs on it and wished him a happy birthday, hoping that no one bugged him. I used a card that is a snowman in a snowglobe. What I ended up writing was "Matt, while searching for the perfect birthday present for you, I had many adventures, including one involving a psychotic snowman with a blow torch. So, for your birthday, I have trapped you a snowman. Enjoy. PS: Yes, I am a freak." I like to be different. It is fun.

Beth and I found ourselves a section of table that no one was sitting at. It was kind of weird being there. We knew a few people but not that many and they were in the middle of the group, chatting with others. As Beth put it, we were on the fringes of the cool group. Fortunately, we can always find something to talk about. And people did wander over to talk to us, especially on their way to the bathroom.

Earlier that day, Keem and I were watching the news and saw an actual woman say on actual TV that "I feel that I was able to reach a lot of people through my butter head."* I had to call Beth immediately and tell her this. Apparently this woman was a runner up for Princess Kay of the Milky Way (something to do with the State Fair) and part of the honor of being involved in this is the opportunity to pose for your head to be carved out of butter. I suppose Wisconsin does the same out of cheese? Anyway, she decided to donate her butter head to be used at a sweet corn feed and got teary eyed over the thought of all these people dipping their corn into her melted head. Yeah. I know.

*I’m not sure this was exactly what she said. I can’t seem to Google it. You would think this would be huge news.

When Matt came over to talk to us, I told him about this woman and her butter head. He found this amusing as well and we started joking around about it. Matt made an off color reference to a farmer who might carve the butter head and then use it for purposes other than sweet corn feeds. Said reference included the farmer's wife wondering why her husband was butter flavored in a certain area. And then, one night, the farmer's wife would say "I can't believe it's not butter!" This is the only joke Matt told that was funny. He told some other jokes that I will not ever repeat and they did bother me. He would tell a joke, Beth and I would stare at him. I will give him some slack, he was drunk and obviously the filter from his brain to his mouth wasn't working very well.

Matt spent a lot of time by us. We also talked to Dean, James, Bryan, Stephanie and Liz. And we met two new people - Kane and Shawn. Out of a group of twenty people, we meet two. Wow. We are quite the party animals, aren't we?

Beth and I amused ourselves by talking about other things and greeting our visitors (usually on their way to the bathroom). And yes, some of the other things was about Gil. Beth made the comment about how I would follow Gil anywhere. That I would tell Jesus "Sorry, Jesus, but I've got to go to Hell with Gil here." Except that she used Gil's real name. In front of people who know Gil. Thankfully no one seemed to hear her.

We got on the subject about how we're all going to Hell because of our inappropriate laughter about something (can't remember what it was now) and Bryan had wandered by.

Bryan: Beth, we're all going to Hell. Except maybe Dana. She might have the only in.

He pauses.

Bryan: Although she doesn't drive. So she'll probably need you to drive her. Guess you're going to Hell as well, Dana.
DM: Yeah. I'll take a cab to the Chalet and meet her there!

After the party was over, Beth and I went to Perkins where we talked and I ate something that I don't remember right now. I ended up home at around 5 AM. Yikes.

Saturday Keem and I went to get a fill on our nails. I decided to try a new color (reddish, I usually go with more of a light orange (you might refer to this color as peach. If you do, I will correct you. I do not like peaches. I refuse to acknowledge them as a fruit or a color)) and I got a design on my thumbs. The first time I've ever done a design. I'm quite pleased with it, the lady painted a flower on each thumb and I have a crystal where the middle of the flower is and there is sparkly nail polish on it as well. I glitter. Yay.

Later that night, after a nap, we went to meet Beth at Perkins again. It was New Year's Eve. This is the 2nd annual Sheepsheadian get together at Perkins for New Year's Eve. We've decided to refer to it as SPAP (Sheepsheadians Playing At Perkins). We were missing a member of the Sheepsheadians (He knows who he is and should just CALL already) and that was a little sad but we still managed to have a great time. We played Sheepshead (of course) and also decided to start using Beth's iPod as a Magic 8-ball. For some reason, Beth's iPod hates me (for example, when asked to describe me, the song was "Everybody plays the fool." Thanks, iPod. I love you too). I will probably post the questions and the song answers later, right now my notebook is in the other room and I have been working on this post forever and Keem is going to kick me off the Internet when she gets home so I just want to finish this.

Sunday, we were telling Liz about this game and how much fun it was and what song described her (Lonely Stranger? Don't know why) and us.

Liz: So what is Gil's song (using his real name, of course)?
DM: What makes you think I asked about him?
Liz: Because I went to high school. And I graduated. Of course you asked about him.
DM: It's Rhythm of the Night.

Although I don't know what version of Rhythm of the Night is. So I can't download it off of iTunes and listen to it obsessively because it reminds me of him. Not that I do that. I never do that. Really and truly.

You already know what happened on Sunday after karaoke, Beth, Dean and I went to Perkins where I found out that Gil knows about my Like for him. Sigh.

Hope you all had a great New Year's and weekend. Tomorrow I am going to movies with Keem, Katie, Kari and Mom. Then Mom is spending the night to help me clean my room. The first person to spend the night in my bed and it will be my Mom. How sad is that?

For your reading pleasure

Why I am never returning to the Chalet
An essay
By Dana Marie Vittum

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Dana (well, technically, since she was 38, she should be termed as a woman but she preferred girl. Green Duckies Girl worked so much better than Green Duckies Woman).

Dana was what she referred to as a karaoke junkie. This meant that she and her friend Beth went to this little bar on Rice Street known as the Chalet twice a week. It was there that our adventure begins.

Dana had a thing for bartenders. When she and Beth had first started going to karaoke, they would go to a place called Wild Tymes. Dana met the powerfully cute Andy there. Nothing ever came of this; of course, Dana preferred to lust from afar.

At the Chalet, there was a bartender (still is) named Bobby. Dana thought Bobby was very cute and had extremely masculine hands (still does) that would grip limes and slice them forcefully. This made Dana weak at the knees. She also enjoyed watching him pour Coke with no ice (for Beth) and Diet Coke with a slice of lime (for Dana) and the occasional water (for Dana. This, by the way, is all she drinks now. Yay for Dana!). It is because of this that Dana found herself saying something out loud that filled her with somewhat embarrassment. This embarrassing thing can be found here and it has recently come back to haunt her.

“How?” you ask. Read on for more news of horrifying embarrassment.

At Wild Tymes, our heroines met the oh-so-glorious-Bryan (he with the voice of an angel and the mind of a devil). They also met Dean. So, when they started going to the Chalet, it was very exciting when they saw him walk in one day (Dean. Not Bryan. They started going to the Chalet because Bryan was the karaoke host there).

Recently, on New Year’s Day, Beth and Dana journeyed to the Chalet again. They were pleased to see Dean walk through the door (he doesn’t come up that often). After karaoke, Beth, Dana and Dean all climbed into Beth’s car and went to Fridleykins. It was there that Dana realized that she could never return to the Chalet.

Apparently, at one point during the evening, Beth had been talking to Bobby. She asked if she could pour her own Coke. Bobby agreed. Beth then told Bobby “I like doing this because it makes me feel useful. Dana just likes to play with the gun.” Bobby replied “I know why Dana likes the gun.” This is obviously a reference to the above link. Dana began to sink under the table.

Also, Dean is friends with Gil; the guy that Dana thinks is the most attractive man in the universe. So the conversation at Fridleykins turned to Gil. Dean is more than aware of the fact that Dana feels this way about Gil. He also, when asked, says “Yes” to the question of “Does Gil know?”

Dean also informs Beth and Dana that this happens quite often to Gil. The female that Dana has witnessed kissing him, while she is a friend of his, is also crazy about him. Women apparently throw themselves at him all the time. Apparently Dana’s Gil as the captain of the football team analogy is quite accurate. For a comic book geek, he’s quite popular with the ladies.

Since Gil is apparently aware of Dana’s unrequited Like for him, it is obvious that he is not interested in her because he has not as of yet expressed his Like for her. This leaves Dana with no choice but to become a nun and to never ever go back to the Chalet because she is too embarrassed to talk to Gil again. I’m sure you’ll all understand that the karaoke posts will now have to come to an end. Sigh.*

*Beth has informed Dana that she will be going to karaoke again and it’s not that bad but Dana begs to differ. This is horrible, terrible and many other ble words.

The author regrets to inform you that the tales of Matt's party, the 2nd annual SPAP get together and New Year's Day karaoke have been delayed due to her desire to let you all know that the reason she is never returning to the Chalet is not quite as bad as you may have imagined.

Happy Freakin' New Year

It's 10:06, I'm on break and I already want to walk out of this building and never return.

Here's why:

There are 18 calls holding. 18 people who are cranky and may swear at me like the last guy. I'm sorry that you feel that it is bullshit that your transfer wasn't completed, sir. Maybe if you would shut up and listen to me long enough for me to explain it instead of impressing me with your command on the English language, particularly vulgarities, we'd get something done.*

*It went up to 43 calls for awhile.

It is 34F outside. It is 60F inside. Yes. Our heat isn't working. Again. This is not pleasant.

Our computer system was down for about an hour to two hours. That's even more not pleasant. It's back up now, thank goodness.

Okay. I am done whining. Please carry on. But, for your enjoyment, I bring you the following conversation with my boss. It is conversations like this that convince me to stay here.

DM: Oh. And this guy swore at me this morning.
Matt: Well, if you weren't such a stupid bitch, you wouldn't have that problem.
DM: (Shocked laughter) You know, I'm glad we have such a good rapport that you feel comfortable enough swearing at me.

Yes, he was kidding. And no, I'm not offended. After all, I have, on occasion, told him to bite me and smacked him on the back of the head. And you know what? I'm in a much better mood than when I started this post.

I have several posts that I'm planning on working on. There is Matt's birthday party. The 2nd annual Sheepsheadians Playing at Perkins (SPAP) post. New Year's Day karaoke (and why I am never ever returning to the Chalet again). Hanging out with Dean and Beth at Perkins after karaoke. But, with 20 calls holding, I don't think I'm going to be able to work on them today. Sorry. Stupid stock holders. I don't have your cost basis!