For your reading pleasure

Why I am never returning to the Chalet
An essay
By Dana Marie Vittum

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Dana (well, technically, since she was 38, she should be termed as a woman but she preferred girl. Green Duckies Girl worked so much better than Green Duckies Woman).

Dana was what she referred to as a karaoke junkie. This meant that she and her friend Beth went to this little bar on Rice Street known as the Chalet twice a week. It was there that our adventure begins.

Dana had a thing for bartenders. When she and Beth had first started going to karaoke, they would go to a place called Wild Tymes. Dana met the powerfully cute Andy there. Nothing ever came of this; of course, Dana preferred to lust from afar.

At the Chalet, there was a bartender (still is) named Bobby. Dana thought Bobby was very cute and had extremely masculine hands (still does) that would grip limes and slice them forcefully. This made Dana weak at the knees. She also enjoyed watching him pour Coke with no ice (for Beth) and Diet Coke with a slice of lime (for Dana) and the occasional water (for Dana. This, by the way, is all she drinks now. Yay for Dana!). It is because of this that Dana found herself saying something out loud that filled her with somewhat embarrassment. This embarrassing thing can be found here and it has recently come back to haunt her.

“How?” you ask. Read on for more news of horrifying embarrassment.

At Wild Tymes, our heroines met the oh-so-glorious-Bryan (he with the voice of an angel and the mind of a devil). They also met Dean. So, when they started going to the Chalet, it was very exciting when they saw him walk in one day (Dean. Not Bryan. They started going to the Chalet because Bryan was the karaoke host there).

Recently, on New Year’s Day, Beth and Dana journeyed to the Chalet again. They were pleased to see Dean walk through the door (he doesn’t come up that often). After karaoke, Beth, Dana and Dean all climbed into Beth’s car and went to Fridleykins. It was there that Dana realized that she could never return to the Chalet.

Apparently, at one point during the evening, Beth had been talking to Bobby. She asked if she could pour her own Coke. Bobby agreed. Beth then told Bobby “I like doing this because it makes me feel useful. Dana just likes to play with the gun.” Bobby replied “I know why Dana likes the gun.” This is obviously a reference to the above link. Dana began to sink under the table.

Also, Dean is friends with Gil; the guy that Dana thinks is the most attractive man in the universe. So the conversation at Fridleykins turned to Gil. Dean is more than aware of the fact that Dana feels this way about Gil. He also, when asked, says “Yes” to the question of “Does Gil know?”

Dean also informs Beth and Dana that this happens quite often to Gil. The female that Dana has witnessed kissing him, while she is a friend of his, is also crazy about him. Women apparently throw themselves at him all the time. Apparently Dana’s Gil as the captain of the football team analogy is quite accurate. For a comic book geek, he’s quite popular with the ladies.

Since Gil is apparently aware of Dana’s unrequited Like for him, it is obvious that he is not interested in her because he has not as of yet expressed his Like for her. This leaves Dana with no choice but to become a nun and to never ever go back to the Chalet because she is too embarrassed to talk to Gil again. I’m sure you’ll all understand that the karaoke posts will now have to come to an end. Sigh.*

*Beth has informed Dana that she will be going to karaoke again and it’s not that bad but Dana begs to differ. This is horrible, terrible and many other ble words.

The author regrets to inform you that the tales of Matt's party, the 2nd annual SPAP get together and New Year's Day karaoke have been delayed due to her desire to let you all know that the reason she is never returning to the Chalet is not quite as bad as you may have imagined.