What should I write about, Beth?

Beth's reply was "Chicken!"

Beth says chicken a lot. She's weird like that. But, hey, I hug trees so I guess I shouldn't talk too much, huh?

Anyway, we were joking around about this last night, on our way back to my place, and she said I should write a fan letter to chicken. Since she suggested the last fan letter as well, I decided to go along with it.

So, here we go:

Random fan letter number 2 - Chicken*

Dear Chicken,

I am quite fond of you. You are delicious. Especially when Keem takes you and cooks you with a little olive oil and Mrs. Dash Southwest Chipotle Seasoning. Yum. I especially like it when there is bacon. Did you know that bacon is the same in Portuguese as it is in English? That is very cool. Bacon does not come from chickens, though. It comes from pigs.

Beth likes to say your name a lot. Either she expresses it as Chicken! or sometimes Kurka! That is Ukranian for chicken. She does not like to eat you as much as I like to eat you. That is okay. She likes to eat tomatoes and I think they are horrible.

Thank you for being yummy!

Dana Marie Vittum

*As we were sitting in the car, I protested "I am not writing a fan letter to chicken" and Beth said something along the lines as "You've already written half of it right now so shut up already."

Back to the more normal insanity that is my life. Now that the "chicken is great" letter is out of the way.

Saturday night, Beth picked me up and we headed back to her place so we could scrapbook. I had Monday off so we were thinking we were going to accomplish a lot. After a quick stop at SA, we arrived at her apartment. Minnesota has decided to break some records and get extremely hot. It was midnight and 91 degrees. This is just wrong. Excessive sweating seems to take a lot out of me and I was content to work on my cross stitch while Beth played on the computer.

Sunday, we headed off to karaoke. Dan Lang and his neighbor, Zach, were there already. Angie was also there with her brother and some other people we didn't recognize. Bryan came in a little later. Beth had mentioned, on our way to the Chalet, that, since it was Memorial Day weekend, it should be pretty busy and more than likely insane. She was right but we didn't realize it when we first got there.

When we first entered the Chalet and stopped to talk to Bobby and pick up our drinks, he mentioned that the air conditioning wasn't working. It was 79 degrees inside. After walking in from the 95 degree hell hole known as the great outdoors, we mentioned that it felt nice. Apparently we had forgot the principle rule - the more people in an enclosed space, the warmer it feels.

We decided to get a pizza. Both Beth and I love to put the little pepper flakes on our pizza. Beth walked up to sing and I took a bite of my pizza and started choking. I had inhaled a pepper flake and started choking on it. Dan was rather concerned and asked if I was okay. Unfortunately, the choking turned into a coughing fit and I rather abruptly jumped up from the table and raced to the bathroom.

It was there, while hacking up the pepper flake and some of my life blood along with it (not a lot of blood but still, that's always fun to see), that my life briefly flashed before my eyes. My throat had locked up and I couldn't breathe because I was straining so hard to expel the pepper flake. I felt as though I was going to pass out and had a horrifying moment where I thought "I am 39 years old. I am a good person. I do not want to die in the Chalet bathroom. And dang it, God, when am I going to find romance?" Because, hey, instead of trying to, oh, I don't know, let someone know I was choking to death, let's be more concerned about my lack of romance. That's sensible.

God must have been listening because the coughing fit calmed and I was soon able to start regulating my breathing. Beth came in while this was happening to find out if I was okay and I told her what happened. I was soon out and it was then that God decided to bring to me some romance.

But, as we've all discovered before, God has a sense of humor. Remember Quagna (Suz, if you haven't read this, you should. It is rather hilarious, if I do say so myself)? Remember how he started singing to me? Well, it happened again. Except this time the guy singing to me was not hot and with an intriguing accent. Unless, of course, you consider old men with crooked teeth and a drunken slur to be attractive. Sean Connery he was not.

Anyway, he was singing the song that goes like this - "Have you happened to see the most beautiful girl in the world? And if you did, was she crying?" At least I think that was what he was singing.

Beth: I don't like him.
DM: Why not?
Beth: When we came in, he walked right into me.
DM: Yeah but he apologized.
Beth: I think it was deliberate.
DM: Oh (sometimes men will, in an attempt to be subtle, bump into women as a way to draw attention to themselves or brush up against soft body parts). Eww.

A few moments go by.

Beth: Dana. He's singing to you.
DM: No. No, he's not.
Beth: Yes, he is.
DM: Oh God, why? Why? I'm a good person.
Beth: You are.
DM: Is he still singing at me?
Beth: Yes.

The song mercifully came to an end and Tony (or Creepy Crazy Guy as he later was named) started walking toward me.

DM: Oh, no.
Beth: Giggles.

CCG continues to walk past us and to a back table where he begins talking to a woman and her boyfriend (?).

Beth: Oh. Maybe he wasn't singing to you.
DM: Thank God.

After a few minutes, CCG walks by our table and bumps into me.

CCG: Excuse me.
DM: Sorry.
CCG: I've got a big ass.
DM (to self): Okay. Freak.

After Angie leaves, CCG winds his way up to the front, sitting at the table where Angie had been sitting. He starts talking to Angie's brother and some other people. At one point, we do overhear what he says to some of the women and it is very crass but I can't remember what it was. When Dan and Zach leave, CCG comes and sits on the other side of the table, near me.

Beth gets up to sing. CCG starts talking to me. It is hard to understand what he says because he is drunk and, well, crazy and creepy. Plus I am trying to watch Beth sing and he keeps interrupting me, leaning into my point of view. Believe me when I tell you that I wanted to jump and scream every time he did it.

CCG: You're a great singer.
DM: Thank you.
CCG: You have a gift.
DM: Okay. Thanks.
CCG: Don't let anyone ever hold you back.
DM: Uh...
CCG: You just get up there and sing.
DM: Uh huh.

Then he kept doing that bump thing that drunken men seem to insist on doing. You know, the making a fist and tapping the other person's fist. None of the sober men I know insist on doing this. They're not even really sure what it means. Does anyone know what it means?

Beth finished singing and came and sat down. CCG didn't let that deter him. He kept telling me how great I was and how I should sing all the time. I would love it if James would tell me this but no, apparently my singing voice only appeals to the insane.

Why is it that, when in a situation like this, neither Beth or I can say "Dude, I'm not interested" or "Hey, Crazy, Creepy Guy, you're freaking me out" or even "Stop touching me, you wacko?" Why is it that we just smile politely and hope that they'll eventually go away? I am hoping that if I am ever confronted by a mad scientist or a vampire, I will do more than smile politely. I am hoping that I will smack them about the head with my purse.

After a few minutes of this, Beth ran over and told Benny what was happening. He, without a moment of hesitation, said "Let's go" and came over to sit next to me.

Benny is my hero. He made a big production of sitting between me and CCG.

Benny: Oh, yeah. This is the best spot here.
CCG (ignoring Benny): You gotta sing, girl.
Benny: Oh, gee, I'm feeling kind of gassy. I've got the farts.
CCG: You better not fart on me.
Benny: I had some White Castles. I'm just farting in the chair.
CCG: She's my girl! She's my girl!

CCG reaches over to touch me behind Benny's back. Benny blocks him by pretending to stretch. CCG reaches across Benny to try and touch me. Benny leans forward and pretends to sneeze.

James walks in the bar. All at once, Beth, Benny, Stephanie and I all call out "JAMES!" He turns and looks at us, puzzled. In retrospect, I would have run up to him and asked him to save me from the attentions of CCG but I didn't think of it until too late.

CCG (to Bryan): You gotta call her up there so she can sing (indicating me)!
Bryan: I'll call her up when it is her turn.

My hero!

Bryan: Dana!

Dang him!

Beth: Sing "Different Drum!"

Beth has sung this song a few times to deter unwanted admirers. I sing the song. It doesn't seem to have any effect on CCG. He is staring at me.

When the song finishes, I see Matt walk in. I have never been so happy to see him in my life. I cry his name and throw my arms around him. I can see the puzzled look in his eyes.

Matt: Hi.
DM: Help me. There is a crazy, creepy guy who keeps hitting on me.
Matt: Oh. Okay. Let's go.

He escorts me to the table and was going to sit on the left but Beth and Stephanie quickly tell him to sit where Benny was sitting. Benny leaves. Goodbye Benny. Thank you for saving me. You smell nice.

Every time CCG looks at me or moves in my direction, I snuggle up to Matt. He is very nice to be helping me in this manner. Why is he not James? Why?

James sits next to Beth and Dean is on her other side. The five of us start talking about Lost and how frustrating the season finale is and what the heck is going on (I do not mention my theory that Sayid is incredibly sexy. I'm pretty sure Beth already knows that and Dean, James and Matt probably don't care).

James looks somewhat surprised that Matt and I are sitting so close to one another. Because, yes, I went from being absolutely crazy over him to suddenly liking Matt, who, at one drunken time, told me that he would like to do things to Beth. When there is a lull in the conversation, I fill him in on CCG and why Matt is being helpful. He then smiles and looks less perplexed. Maybe it is only hopeful, wishful, crazy thinking on my part but he might possibly have been just a tiny little bit jealous of Matt. Maybe. Oh, shut up. I can dream.

After awhile, CCG has decided to move up to the bar. Perhaps he was overwhelmed by the amount of people now sitting at our table. Not only were James, Dean and Matt there but we were also joined by Dustin and his girlfriend (I want to call her Laura but I'm not sure if that's right), Liz and also Darling and her husband Stacy (is her name not the coolest ever? And she was so nice and, well, absolutely darling) were sitting with us.

It was my last time to sing for the night and I have decided to try singing Drift Away (I forgot my list over at Beth's so I was trying all new stuff).

Bryan: What do you have?
DM: I'm trying something new. It'll probably suck. But apparently I have a gift.
Bryan: A gift for what?
DM: For singing. According to the Crazy Creepy Guy up at the bar.
Bryan: That's great. You've been endorsed by the Crazy Creepy Guy! You must be proud.
DM: Oh, I am.

I sang the song, it wasn't horrible but it does need work. Apparently Beth got pictures of CCG watching me sing, thinking such thoughts as "She's my girl" and "I want to lock her up in my basement and make her sing only to me." I was able to avoid him for the rest of the night, Matt even escorted me to the bathroom and waited for me. Nice guy, that Matt. He's no Batman but he's still a nice guy.

I gave Liz lots and lots of books to read and she was very excited. She is going to bring in some books for me.

There were two highlights to the evening. One, I got to watch James and Stacy argue about comic books. It was fascinating. I have always loved watching debates, especially when the people in the discussion are very passionate about what they are debating. The fact that it was comic books made it even more thrilling for me (I know. I'm such a geek). That and the fact that James is just brilliant and I like him a lot (I know. You're all sitting around going "Duh, Dana. I think we figured that out").

The second highlight was, after the after karaoke (where we all sit around and talk), some of us were still standing around. I noticed that James was standing in the door way and walked over. We went outside and were talking for a few minutes (where I reiterated the fact that Matt was only hugged because he was saving me from CCG) and then it happened. He hugged me. A big swooping hug for many seconds.

Conversation back to Beth's place revolved around the night and this:

DM: He hugged me.
B: Yes, he did hug you.
DM: We're going to see him tomorrow. Maybe (we talked about going to see X-Men 3).
B: Yes, we might.
DM: I like him a lot.
B: I know you do.
DM: He hugged me.

I may have giggled. I'm not sure. I do know that Beth is very patient and did not kill me. She is a good friend.

I saw him for a few minutes on Monday when we went to see X-Men 3. He let us in to see the movie for free. He also mentioned that he would be gone when the movie was over because he was done at 6 and thought we were going to go to the 4 PM movie. Unfortunately, we overslept and had to drive like the weend to get to the theater in time for the 5 PM movie. But it gave me my James fix, seeing him for those few minutes. I adore him. Have I mentioned that?

Different Drum - Linda Ronstandt

You and I travel to the beat of a different drum
Oh can't you tell by the way I run
Every time you make eyes at me
Wo-oh

You cry and moan and say it will work out
But honey child I've got my doubts
You can't see the forest for the trees

Oh don't get me wrong
It's not that I knock it
It's just that I am not in the market
For a boy who wants to love only me

Yes, and I ain't saying you ain't pretty
All I'm saying is I'm not ready
For any person place or thing
To try and pull the reins in on me

So good-bye I'll be leaving
I see no sense in this crying and grieving
We'll both live a lot longer
If you live without me

Oh don't get me wrong
It's not that I knock it
It's just that I am not in the market
For a boy who wants to love only me

Yes, and I ain't saying you ain't pretty
All I'm saying is I'm not ready
For any person place or thing
To try and pull the reins in on me

So good-bye I'll be leaving
I see no sense in this crying and grieving
We'll both live a lot longer
If you live without me

Random fan letters - Jonny Lang

Disclaimer - No, I am not going to send this to Jonny Lang. What? You think I'm insane? Don't answer that.

Dear Jonny Lang,

I am writing this letter to tell you how I am quite probably your number 1 fan. Even though I have never met you or even listen to your music all that much (except when I'm over at Beth's. By the by, the song "Good morning, little schoolgirl"? Good song. Kind of creepy. But still a good song), I adore you.

I have heard that you are married. This leads me to believe that you believe in love (unless, of course, you married for money and then you can completely disregard what I'm going to write next. But I feel that I know you, Jonny Lang, and have faith in your heart).

I also believe in love. Or, well, extreme Like. This is because I met James. And meeting James could not have happened without you. You've never actually met James so don't rack your brain too hard trying to figure out who he is. Let me describe him for you. He's like Batman.

This is the series of events that led to me meeting James.

• In 19something or another, you participated in a contest. A singing contest. You won this contest.
• The runner up was a man named Bryan McDonald.
• You went off to gain stardom and acclaim.
• Bryan got a job working at the Chalet on Rice Street hosting karaoke.
• You make lots and lots of money.
• Part of Bryan's income is paid to him in the form of alcoholic beverages.

Working at the Chalet led to Bryan meeting Liz. They are quite possibly the world's most perfect couple (More of that love connection that you, Jonny Lang, are indirectly responsible for. You must be very proud).

When we (Beth and I) first started going up to the Chalet, we would see Liz and knew that she was Bryan's girlfriend. A few of Bryan and Liz's friends would join her at what Beth and I referred to as the Cool Table. One of the Cool Table's inhabitants was a man named Dean. We actually knew Dean from a bar named Wild Tymes which is where we first met Bryan. We followed Bryan (okay, not literally because that would be creepy) from Wild Tymes to the Chalet. We joked that we were Bryan's stalkers.

After Beth and I had been going to the Chalet for awhile, one night Liz came and sat with us. This was very exciting for us. When the rest of the Cool Table came in, they joined us and we were introduced to people that we had just seen from afar (well, as afar as you can get from a fairly small bar but you get the point). One of these men was Barry (hot but quite possibly a serial killer) and James (remember James? He is like Batman).

James is not what most people would call traditionally handsome. He is a self-proclaimed comic book geek, has OCD, may be slightly autistic (well, no, that's more of a joke), talks like William Shatner and thinks like Mr. Spock (extremely logical. I am not a logical person but many of my friends are. It is my cross to bear). The minute I met him, I fell head over heels into Like. Although I denied it for a long period of time.

Although he has not yet realized that I am the one for him or even that I could love him like that, our relationship has made great strides. In fact, in January, a year after I first fell in Like with him, I proceeded to get very drunk and then tell him how I felt.

My professions of Like included telling him the following:

• I like him. A lot.
• He is like Batman (Batman is my favorite superhero, in case you haven't guessed that yet).
• But not just Batman. Adam West Batman (which he didn't seem to find very complimentary until I mentioned that Adam West was hot. Then he liked it).
• He is like the captain of the football team (remember that he is a comic book geek).
• I also kissed him. And licked him on the neck. Twice.

Nothing much has happened between us since then but I have hope. And at least I got addicted to the television show Lost out of the deal (James spent a lot of time telling us how great the show was and we needed to watch it so we did). Which will lead to my next fan letter to Naveen Andrews, also known as Sayid, he of the succulent man breasts (man boobies are not sexy. Man breasts are extremely tight and hot pectoral muscles. What Naveen Andrews does to a tank top has to be seen to be believed).

So, thank you, Jonny Lang. Thank you for winning that contest and bringing to me my true Like. Because, let's face it, Bryan would probably never had worked at either Wild Tymes or the Chalet if he had won and then he never would have met Liz. And more important, I would never have met James. And that would be horrible in so many ways.

Yours truly,

Dana Marie Vittum
Self proclaimed Queen of the Universe

P.S. I am not insane.

P.P.S. Really. I'm not insane. Call off your body guards.

Degrees of Insanity

Over my vacation, I made the following observation to Beth:

D: You know, I may hug the occasional tree*, I may be reading a book about Death and giggling hysterically over it** but I have never carried around a shrunken head in a baseball cap***. I'm crazy but I'm not shrunken head crazy****.
B: You know what you're getting for your birthday now, don't you?

*One of my latest tree hugging pictures - snapped by Beth in Cananda.

Beth asked me why I hug trees and I tried to give her an explanation but failed miserably. All I can tell you is that when you hug a tree, actually let yourself go and forget about the fact that there might be people around you looking at you like you are the biggest freak in the world, it is the greatest feeling. You slough off all of your concerns and concentrate only on the sun and the smell of the tree bark and the moment becomes not about you and your worries but about you and Nature and all the things that are good in your life. Maybe it is like meditation? I don't know.

**Seriously. You must read this book. It is so great. The name of it is A Dirty Job and it is by Christopher Moore and I have no idea how I went this long without reading anything by him. Think Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy meets Good Omens meets everything else funny in the world. But, keep in mind that I am crazy and my sense of humor is, well, a little weird. Click here for some of the plot details.

***If you have not yet read Beth's post about Shrunken Head Guy, you have no idea what I am talking about. Quick. Go here now.

****I used to say "I'm crazy but I'm not Prozac crazy. I'm Effexor crazy." But shrunken head crazy is even more fun.

Yikes

I am back after a wondrous vacation. 6 glorious days away from work. Unfortunately, that also means no Internet access (well, not technically, I did have access to Beth's computer but I was lazy and played games) and that means that, when I pulled up my Bloglines account today, there are 488 unread posts waiting for me*. I am overwhelmed but also excited about all the new and fun things for me to read. And I promise I will read them, it just might take awhile since my home computer is broken. Stupid computer.

*Update - it's now 460. I have to stop reading until tomorrow or I am going to get into so much trouble.

Anyway, a funny thing happened at karaoke last night.

Donny (an attractive individual but total player) is singing. Instead of his usual version of Prince's Kiss, he decides to sing Neil Diamond's Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show. When he gets about halfway through the song, he deviates from the usual lyrics and asks us "Have you met Jesus? I met Jesus. I was at the Taco Bell down the road (on the corner of Rice and Larpenteur) and Jesus was at the counter. I knew he was Jesus because that's what his name tag said. His hair was long (and something I didn't catch). And when Jesus asked me for my order, I wanted Peace on Earth but I got a Taco Supreme instead."

It was, in the words of Johnny, "Hi-larious."

Here are a few pictures of Donny. Thanks so much to Beth that uploaded my pictures this week to flickr or I would be devoid of pictures. She's so great, isn't she?





Demon Donny





Dancing Donny

Did you miss me? I missed me.

I am back. I am weak and ineffectual, the dreaded bronchitis monster has attacked me (I'm assuming it is bronchitis because I feel like someone put a fifty pound weight on my chest) and I want to crawl into bed forever but that would be wrong. So I'm at work right now, on my break, wondering where 2 1/2 hours went and watching people watch me, waiting for me to keel over at any moment.

I was going to participate in the day in the life thing that Sheryl and others do. It was supposed to be on Saturday but I only have a vague idea of what I did on Saturday. Here is Saturday and the rest of the week so far, to the best of my knowledge.

8:00 AM Wake up. Curse the fates that have woken me up this early on a Saturday. Go sit out in the living room and cross stitch while watching Oscar.

9:30 AM Keem yells at me to get ready. I tell her I am ready. She says "You are not going out like that." Jeff laughs and says she is mean. I look at him and say "I don't match and my hair is a mess. I'm not going out like this." I was wearing a purple tank top with green and blue flowered capri pants. It doesn't match. Plus, haven't shaved my legs in awhile. I tie my hair up, change to jeans and brush my teeth.

11:00 AM Go to Weight Watchers. Weigh in. I am down 1.8 pounds, a total of 12.4. Can I get a woo-hoo? Keem is also down a pound. We are pleased.

11:15 AM We are on our way to go to a movie. The movie of choice today is RV, Keem has wanted to see it for awhile.

11:30 AM Arrive at movie theater, Keem buys tickets, I purchase refreshing beverages and popcorn.

12:45 PM Movie is over, it was funny. We both enjoyed it. Jeff Daniels is in it as well so that was a nice suprise, you don't see him in the previews. Just Robin Williams.

1:00 PM My whining has paid off, we are going to Jo-Ann's so I can buy fun and exciting cross stitch things to work on while at work and while watching TV. It seriously helps cut down the snacking a lot.

Random conversation I have had with Keem to convince her she should start cross stitching again.

DM: Keem. You should get a fun project to work on.
Keem: I may. I don't know yet.
DM: And then we would be stitch buddies!
Keem: If you ever refer to us as stitch buddies again, I won't start cross stitching again.
DM: You don't want to be stitch buddies?
Keem: Enough with the stitch buddies!

2:00 PM I have been dragged out of Jo-Ann's and we are going to get food. We decide to go to Culver's. This was probably a mistake.

2:30 PM We arrive at home and eat Culver's. Yummy Wisconsin Swiss Melt with yummy cheese and cheese curds on the side and my, I am full now.

3:00 PM We decide to watch lots and lots of movies. The DVD player decides it is broken. It is holding Keem's copy of Dungeons and Dragons hostage.

The next few days pass in a blur because I am sick. All I know is that Saturday night, I had heart burn. Heart burn turned into acid reflux. The acid reflux made me phlegmy (sp?). The phlegm inhabited my lungs and turned into bronchitis. All I pretty much did was sit in the chair, stare at the television and want to die.

Fortunately I did not die. I am back at work. We could say woo-hoo about this but it is not very sincere. I could have stayed home today but, if I did, that would mean I would quickly run out of vacation time. As it is, with the planned trip next week and some time off around Beth's birthday, I have only 4 days unplanned vacation time left. Hmm. This does not bode well.

I am still working my way around to your sites. Sorry it's taking so long. Stupid computer is still broken. Which is stupid. And I was banned from Keem's computer while I was sick. Keem says "If you are too sick to go to work, you are too sick to use my computer."

Berry Odd Conversations

In honor of Diana's last two posts about berries (and she is brilliant so if you haven't read them, you should - they are here and here), I thought I would write about some recent conversations I have had with Keem.

First of all, some background. Keem knows me very well. Almost too well. Sometimes it is scary how well she knows me and can tell me almost exactly what I am going to say before I say it. I like to say I am her practice for when she has children. She will make a good Mom.

The first conversation is, of course, about berries, because otherwise, the title would make absolutely no sense and we all know that I am about making sense (little or no sense but still, I am making some sort of sense).

Keem and I are in the car. Keem is driving (she refuses to let me drive. Something about that pesky needing a driver's license rule). She reaches down and takes a drink of water from a water bottle.

DM: What is that?
Keem: Water. I would offer you some but it is raspberry flavored and you don't like raspberries.
DM: I am thirsty. I want to try it.
Keem: Okay. But you're not going to like it.
DM: I might like it. You don't know.
Keem: Yes, I do. You will say 'Yuck.' And 'I don't like raspberries.' But go ahead.

I take a drink.

DM: Yuck. I don't like raspberries. They are evil.
Keem: I told you.
DM: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Keem: There is no blahing in the car. This is a blah free zone.


The next conversation took place at Target. We were shopping for groceries and other stuff. Keem had to visit the bathroom and told me to stay right where I was (apparently I have a tendency to wander) so I could watch her cart and purse. However, she had left me in the hair aisle which she was to later learn was a mistake.

Keem: I will be right back. You stay here.
DM: Okay.

Keem walks away.

DM: Ooh. Shiny!

I then proceed to place seven* seperate types of hair accessories in my cart. Barrettes, several types of ribbony things and a hair clip.

Keem comes back.

DM: Hi, Keem. What aisle are we going to next?

I start walking swiftly away. This was probably an error. Apparently I have a guilty walk because she somehow knew that something was up.

Keem: Dana. How many hair things did you put in your cart?
DM: I do not know what you are talking about.
Keem: Dana (although you cannot hear her, you should know she was using her "I am the voice of authority" voice here).
DM: Just a few.
Keem: Dana. How many?
DM: Seven.
Keem: That is too many. You do not need seven hair things.
DM: Yes, I do.
Keem: No. You do not. Let me see them.
DM: Fine.

We then looked at the different hair things. She holds up a pretty crimsony red ribbony cloth like thing.

Keem: What are you going to use this for?
DM: I am going to use it in my hair.

She gives me the look. You know the look. The one that says "Do not get smart with me, missy."
DM: I am going to use it when I wear black.
Keem: And this?

She holds up the black silky scarf thing.
DM: I can use it to tie my hair back and do fun things with it.
Keem: You can have one. Choose.
DM: But Keem!
Keem: Choose.
DM: You never let me have any fun.

I then receive another look. This is the look that says "Do not start with me because I will make you put everything back and we will go home right now."

DM: Fine (apparently I sound somewhat sulky at this time but I refuse to believe it because I am joyful and a harbinger of light (can a harbinger be for something good like light or is it usually for something evil? Let's go check dictionary.com, shall we? Cool. It is something that foreshadows so hey, I am a herald of light and all things spectacular (herald is a synonym for harbinger. Yay! I like synonyms even though I can't say the stupid word (synonym, not herald))).

Keem holds up the hair clip.

Keem: You can not have this hair clip. You have the exact same hair clip already.
DM: But Keem! That hair clip is black. This hair clip is pink. I have to have it.
Keem: Yes. Because you wear just so much pink.
DM: I wear pink. I am sometimes girly!
Keem: You can not have it.
DM: Fine.

Keem holds up the two types of barrette things.

Keem: Why do you need two types of barrettes?
DM: Um, actually, I'm not sure why I picked those (indicate blue flowery barrettes). They're cute but I have no idea when I'd ever wear them. I'll put them back.
Keem: Good. Now go put all this back. You may not buy any more hair things for at least a month.
DM: Keem! Will you just have some kids already?

*If you are like Beth and have done the math and have wondered why I said there were seven things but not actually listed seven things, that is because I have forgot what else I bought that day. But I am sure that it is very cute and I love it.**

**Oh. Actually, I remember what it is now. It was a bunch of elastic bands that I had to defend because Keem thinks I have too many of them but you can never have enough elastic bands. This way I have elastic bands at work, in my purse, in the bathroom, by my computer at home, by my bed, floating around in the apartment, etc.


The last conversation also took place at Target and also involved hair things. How shocking, right?

Keem and I are just about done with shopping. We came to Target to buy toilet paper. Important to have. We also did some impromptue grocery shopping. I have seen the hair aisle and I have resisted it. Well, to be honest, Keem has dogged my footsteps the entire way and has not let me anywhere near the hair aisle.

Keem: Are you done yet?
DM: Almost. Look. I have bought these spur of the moment olive oil and olive bruschette things imported from Italy. I must have some fun cheese product to eat them with. There isn't a fun cheese product in the deli as there should be so I am going to go to the dairy aisle.
Keem: Okay. I'm going to get some other things as well. I will meet you here.
DM: Okay.

I begin to wheel my cart away. I am tempted by the hair aisle but I have a feeling she is watching me. I do, however, manage to see shiny Kleenex dispensers and buy one which is practical because sometimes I sneeze at work and Kleenex is important.

Putting the Kleenex into my cart, I realized something. We had come to Target to buy toilet paper. And yet there was no toilet paper in my cart. Or in Keem's cart. Well, obviously I must get some. And the exciting cheese product (which was stupid cream cheese because I couldn't figure out what I was really in the mood for). And then, since Keem will otherwise occupied, I will stop in the hair aisle and buy more hair things and she will never know! Ha-ha!

Yeah. Guess how well that worked. I am in the hair aisle, trying to decide what pony tail thing I want to buy when I hear a voice behind me.

Keem: DANA. What are you doing?
DM: Nothing.
Keem: You LIE! You were supposed to get cheese and come right back.
DM: But I did. And then I thought 'Oh, we do not have toilet paper and that is why we came here so I must go and get toilet paper.' And I did.
Keem: And? Why did you not come right back?
DM: Because obviously, since I was a good Dana for remembering the toilet paper, I should get to buy a hair thing.
Keem: No. It does not work that way.
DM: But Keem!
Keem: Dana. We are leaving now. No MORE hair things. You do not need them.
DM: You are not the boss of me.
Keem: Perhaps. But I am the one that has the car. And if you don't want to take the bus, you will march to the checkout right now.

I start marching. Keem laughs.

Keem: Dork.


Just so you know, my eye is better. The cyst thing grew and then shrunk and then grew again and now is smaller and doesn't hurt so much but doesn't seem to be going away. This irritates me. Eventually there will be pictures. But we have been busy at work because the stupid people don't seem to realize that it is past tax season and there should not be any more calls about cost basis! and other crap.

Hope you are all well. I hope to be by your sites in the next few days. Ciao!

ARRGH! Alternatively titled in which Dana is not having a great weekend (or I guess we would say week, wouldn't we?)

Okay, may I just take this time to complain about stuff? May I please? I try not to spend a lot of time complaining about stuff (shut up, Keem. You don't read my blog anyway. Not that I would ever complain about that. Because I'm not a complainer) and maintain a positive and happy attitude and spread joy to all those I come across. I think I do a pretty good job about that. But today I am kind of cranky. But not really cranky because that would be bad and defeat the whole spreading of joy mission statement I have (okay, no, I don't really have a mission statement but really, don't you think it might be a good idea, as Queen of the Universe, if I had one? I'll have to think about this).

Anyway, there is going to be a post soon of Operation Eye Cancer, in which Beth, Char and myself attempted to doctor my eye which has a suspicious lump in it. There will be a photo essay of the hilarity that ensues when you go to Super America looking for medical supplies. Because they have none. I swear that all of this will make sense to you soon. But, for now, just keep in mind that I'm not dying. Yet. Apparently it is a cyst or, if the word cyst scares you like it does everyone else, an infected duct of some sort. Said cyst is the size of a grain of rice and it really hurts to try and focus on things so I am wearing a patch. Yes. Just call me Pirate Dana. Or Slurricane Dana of the Seven Seas. But, again, ignore this because that's not what I want to complain about. Or, well, I do, but it will be so much more fun when there will be accompanying pictures.

I still have leprosy (not really leprosy, just extremely dry skin) and, even though I went to the doctor yesterday, I forgot to ask about it. Instead we concentrated on my not eye cancer and the fact that I needed a prescription for Provera because of a horribly disgusting condition that I have. Let's put it this way, most women have a monthly visitor. I have a visitor that never goes away. Never. Sometimes this visitor sleeps a lot and doesn't make a big fuss or cause much of a problem. And sometimes this visitor has a party and invites a lot of friends and destroys the house. There's an actual name for it but I can never remember what it is (abnormal uterine bleeding?) and like to refer to it as BLOODY HELL! (with exclamation point).

Moving up to the counter has been both a blessing and a curse. Curse first - my carpal tunnel, which only is aggravated by writing with a pen as opposed to typing, has been acting up because there is a lot of paperwork to fill out (in triplicate) and only so much of it can be printed off the computer. Today I took a request to transfer stock and it was a total of 12 transfers, which is 3 forms to fill out. Ouch. Hand's a bit numb right now. I bought a brace but that always makes my hand even more numb and I don't like being numb. Numb is bad.

Blessing - I am walking so much more since I've moved. On Friday, I walked about 1.46 miles. 3102 steps. I was exhausted by the end of the day but I still was amazed. A normal day, before the move, would have been .25 miles, IF I went out of my way to walk around more. For some reason, if it is part of my work routine, I don't consider it exercise. Run up and down the steps to other departments to pick up checks and stock certificates? No problem. Walk around the block? Forget about it. The only problem is that my asthma has said "What? What are you trying to do to me, woman? Are you nuts?" Fortunately I do have my inhaler.

And now, complaint 453, which is the most irritating of all my complaints. My computer hates me. It was bad enough when I couldn't load a simple CD or burn a CD. Oh, no. My computer decided that it needed to bring me a token of the love it has for me. That would be not being able to connect to the Internet. No, actually, I can connect to the Internet but it will not pull up any websites unless they are secure sites. So, while I can pull up https:/www.nababanaretirement.com, I cannot pull up www.nababna.com or Blogger or Bloglines or flickr or snapfish or anything I'd like to look at. Fortunately, one of the guys on our tech team told me to bring in my hard drive next week and he'll take a look at it. If he can't fix the CD drive and the Internet, he'll at least try to pull my pictures and music off of it before he reformats it.

So, if you're wondering why I haven't been to your site lately to say hi, it is because I am a profusely bleeding, carpal tunnel suffering, computerless, asthmatic Pirate. But I love you all. Really I do.

My week has to get better, right? Right?*

*Actually, regardless of all of this, I am in a spectacular mood. Can you say "Thank God for Effexor?" I knew you could.

Somewhat accurate, except that I really should be in bed at that time

You Are Midnight

You are more than a little eccentric, and you're apt to keep very unusual habits. Whether you're a nightowl, living in a commune, or taking a vow of silence - you like to experiment with your lifestyle. Expressing your individuality is important to you, and you often lie awake in bed thinking about the world and your place in it. You enjoy staying home, but that doesn't mean you're a hermit. You also appreciate quality time with family and close friends.

What Time Of Day Are You?

It's over and other news

1. Today is April 18th. What is so special about April 18th, you ask? Great question. It is the day after April 17th which is officially the last day of tax season. And all I can say about this is thank God. We hit a record number of calls here in my little office at NABABNA Stock Owner Services. The biggest complaint that we've received this year was that we obviously don't have enough people working here and why don't we hire some more people? Well, we took over 5,000 calls one week. If you figure the average person takes about 60 calls a day, we'd have to have 83 people working here. Our office would burst at the seams if that was to happen.

So right now, there are 4 people holding. Four. Not 44, not 75, not 100. I may do a happy dance (but if I do, that will curse us and then everyone and their brother will decide to call and then I will cry. So I won't). This means I can blog more. This means I can surf the Internet more. This means I will get yelled at for surfing too much. Fortunately, I've also started working on cross stitch again and that will keep me somewhat busy.

2. Also, today I moved up to the counter. If people walk into our office and want help, I'm one of the people that they will talk to. This is a big deal here even though there isn't a raise involved with it. The majority of the people who have worked at the counter in the past have been promoted and the knowledge they gained at the counter is partly responsible for it. You learn a lot apparently. I'm looking forward to it.

It took me 2 hours to move everything from one desk to another. I've had two people remind me that I have to keep my desk clean now. One of them was Keem so I'm used to her reminding me of things. The other one kind of irritates me but I didn't hit her when she said it. I figured that would not make a good impression now that I have all this new responsibility.

The only thing that may bother me about this is that I take my lunch at my desk so I can blog. This guy kept staring at me while I was eating. It was weird.

But! I just found out I get business cards. That is so dang cool.

3. Karaoke was very fun on Sunday, of course. There were a few new people singing, some woman named Lindsey and another woman and her father. They went up to sing a duet and I was worried for a minute that it was going to be Picture. After all, there was an evening where some guy sang Paradise By the Dashboard Light with his mother. Fortunately we were not subjected to icky images when they chose to sing Song Sung Blue (or something else that I don't remember because it was horrible and I think my ears bled a little (which is really mean of me to say but I can't help it. I did applaud, of course, the rules of karaoke require it)).

And then, suddenly, all the other singers left and it was Beth, Angie, Bryan and myself. The bar became emptier and emptier and we started amusing ourselves by going through some mystery discs on the karaoke machine. If we recognized the song, we had to sing it. I ended up singing How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By You. Which wasn't bad and I would probably try it again, if I knew what the number was for it.

Liz and James were there and, as the evening went on, more and more people left. It got to the point where the bar was almost completely empty. Earlier during the evening, Beth had been talking about a South Park episode where Cartman wanted a Platinum album and decided to sing a bunch of songs but substitute the word Jesus for Baby. I am ashamed to say that we tried this. We are horrible, horrible people and are probably going to go to Hell but it was amusing. We also figured you could substitute the word Crack for Love but didn't try any songs like that.

4. On Thursday, Beth and I are going to go to the restaurant where Liz works. It's called Tiburon and I'm excited about it. Beth has the night off so we're going to go there and then maybe shopping (or the other way around) and then to karaoke. So I'll be very, very tired on Friday since I won't have time to take a nap. Mountain Dew is our friend in these situations.


I think that's it. Except that my right hand is peeling and I think I might have leprosy. The last time it happened, I tried anti-bacterial stuff (Purell) and it cleared up. But now it is back again and I am irritated because using lotion or Purell is not working now. Dang it.

How are y'all doing? I'm not sure where the y'all came from except that I've been thinking about Nancy a lot lately and it must because of that. I've also been thinking of Johnny as well so I will sign off by saying:

Beijos!

Why I should not be introduced to websites like this

Beth linked to a site called FlagrantDisregard. How sad is it that one of the first things that I decided to create was a trading card for myself? And that I really want to make one for all of my friends from karaoke? And that way we could play D&D except maybe we would call it K&D which would stand for Karaoke and Drunks.

I really am a geek, aren't I?

If you haven't checked out the incredibly cool things that Beth made, you should go there right now. Oddly enough, there are no trading cards on her site. I just don't get it.

Week something or another

Is it week 8? I have no clue.

Keem and I returned to Weight Watchers today. We haven't been for a couple of weeks because she went home to LaCrosse last weekend and the weekend before we were being lazy (at least I think that's why we didn't go). She was pretty convinced that we had gained weight but I was fairly certain that we hadn't. Guess who was right? Guess?

Yes, that would be me.

I have been noticing little differences lately - my clothes aren't as tight, I get fuller faster, I have a bit more energy. I actually bought a size 3X shirt from K-Mart and it fit. This is actually a big deal when you consider I normally have to buy shirts at Catherine's or Woman's World. When I walk, I get glimpses of my feet. I haven't seen my feet in years (well, I have but I think you know what I mean - my stomach is too big and I can't see my feet when I look down). So this is good.

Anyway, as you can see from the lovely ticker in this post, I am down 15 pounds. I lost 4 pounds in the last two weeks. I love being me. I'm going to start putting the tickers in the posts themselves because it is a pain to update and if I forget, it's no biggie.



After Weight Watchers, Keem and I celebrated our loss by going to Don Pablo's. First we went to SA (Super America for those of you who don't live in Minnesota) so I could pump gas. Gosh, that was fun and exciting. I ran into one of the women from the meeting there and we had a talk about how she also allows herself anything she wants on the days of the meeting. It gets you through the week if you think - hey, on Saturday I can go to Don Pablo's or Fuddruckers or something fun like that. But the thing is, even if I do eat out now, I usually end up taking most of the food home or throwing it away - unless it is Sunday and I didn't eat yet that day and ended up devouring the incredibly yummy patty melt from the Chalet.

We then spent a few hours driving around looking for garage sales (found two but they looked kind of scary so we didn't stop) and looking at houses in the Snelling Avenue area - there were some houses for sale so if anyone wants to buy me an old Victorian with a tower, I'm all for it. Think of it as a reward for my weight loss. Okay? Yeah, I didn't think so. Had to try though.

It is late and I should go to bed because I have to do laundry tomorrow morning and then take a nap and then I get to go to karaoke (yay! Karaoke!) with Beth and Char. But I think I'm going to read another Veronica Mars transcript while I wait for some pictures to load to Snapfish.

Hope you're having a great weekend.

Help

Does anybody know anything about CD-Roms? I haven't been able to upload anything to my computer, no CDs, no games, nothing. It's very unfun. I have tried reinstalling the driver and that did nothing. I do not want to reformat but I will if I have no other choice.

Priceless continued

Okay. It is time for the continuing adventures of Beth and Dana at karaoke. Here is the link to the first part of the evening with the exciting NASCAR limo.

Liz and James joined us later in the evening. James sat next to me (emit romantic and mushy sigh here) and I asked him to help me choose a song from my page. He suggested I sing "Morning Train" by Sheena Easton. I have sung this song before at Wild Tyme and I knew that I would suck in so many ways but I am also completely and totally in like with this guy and will usually concede to any song he selects. This is how I got suckered into singing A-ha's "Take On Me," quite possibly the hardest song in the book. Behold the power of James.

I have a tendency to sit at an angle, with my legs somewhat akimbo. Do not ask me to sit ladylike because it will not happen. So, when James sat next to me, he was very close to me and our legs were touching. It was a strangely intimate feeling, having that connection without anyone else being aware of what was going on. If I moved my leg, his would move until we were touching again. Which was helpful because otherwise I would obsess about the fact that I was touching him and maybe he didn't want me to touch him but he was too nice to do anything about it.

Towards the end of the evening, I, being blatant in my like, offered to buy him a beer. He said he was having a bad day and said yes. He then told us about a problem he was having with someone and Liz offered to go run this person over for $5,000. I said I would go take care of them for free. But Liz said I should at least make sure my expenses were paid for. After all, this person lives out of state and where would I stay? How would I get there? In the end, we established that Liz run this person over by accident and then I would visit the hospital where they were staying and smother them with a pillow. Beth would drive the getaway car. I think we even said we might scrapbook the road trip.*

*We're not really violent people. I'm not going to smother anyone (well, unless they continue to tick off James and then they will have to watch out).

When we were leaving, he was standing by the karaoke area (okay, quick visual (and keep in mind that one of the reasons I'm not a world famous author is because I can't describe things), there is the stage and then there is the karaoke machine and then there is this long counter like thing where the books are kept and the newest copy of City Pages and people stand there when they want to talk to Bryan, he was standing at the beginning of the counter like thing) and I walked up to him. And then he hugged me.

Do you have any idea what it is like when something like this happens? When the person that you have admired and adored and respected forever shows you affection? The 30 seconds that he hugged me seemed to last much longer and I just pressed my cheek to his chest (he is very tall) and didn't want to ever let go. I was also somewhat in shock because I couldn't believe this was happening.

He said goodbye and walked out the door. Beth must have somehow led me to the car because I don't remember much other than the floaty feeling of that comes from walking on air or having extremely comfortable shoes. When we were in the car and no longer in ear shot, we had the following conversation:

DM: Oh my God.
Beth: I know.
DM: Oh my GOD!
Beth: I know.
DM: He hugged me.
Beth: He can still see us. We need to get to the highway before you do the happy dance.
DM: Okay. He hugged me.

Last night, I went to karaoke again. I had the security guard in my building call me a cab at about 11:15 PM. At 12:10 PM, I called the cab company to find out what was going on. I was told that there was a concert and they were trying to get a cab out to me as soon as possible. I called Beth at about 12:15 PM and told her that, if the cab didn't get there in the next fifteen minutes, I was going back to bed. Two minutes later, the cab pulled up. Twice I have called her to tell her this and each time the cab pulls up in a few minutes. Apparently I should threaten this more often, maybe I'd have less of a wait.

My cab driver was Bad Brad, he has driven me to the Chalet before and somewhere I have a post about the last time he was my cab driver. As God as my witness, I will never go without organized categories again (once it slows down, I'm going to start organizing again so I can find the posts that I want. Beth is so organized that I am envious). Anyway, Brad is a freak. As evidenced by the fact that he goes by Bad Brad. I had asked about the concert and was told it was Kid Rock. I waited because of Kid Rock. This does not please me. Kid Rock is partially responsible for that stupid Picture song. This leads us to talking about other concerts and then I get to hear about how he did hashish at a Golden Earring concert in Germany. Wow. That's just so very exciting. I do not care.

Finally we are at the Chalet and I have escaped his oddness. I go into the bar and am greeted by Beth, Steve (her team lead) and Katie (Steve's roommate). We all exchange greetings and talk about stuff. It is very fun. We are sitting at a table with some people that I don't know and we slowly began to take over the table as our group of friends became larger and larger.

Aaron and James came in later (but Aaron might have been there earlier) and I told them about the t-shirt a friend of Matt's (my boss) had seen. It says "I'm not a full-blooded Jew. I'm Jew'ish'." They thought it was funny - Aaron's grandfather is Jewish and the shirt reminded me of the night we drove Creepy Tall Guy out of the Chalet. Aaron kissed me on the cheek which was odd but I think he was somewhat intoxicated.

When we started adding chairs to the table so that James and Aaron could join us, it was funny when Steve came back to the table, saw where his drink was (next to me) and automatically picked up the glass and moved so he was sitting next to Beth. I have such great friends, willing to manipulate the seating arrangements so I can get my James fix.

While there wasn't the constant touching of the legs (Yesterday Jodi asked me "Are you going to go rub legs again tonight, Dana?"), there was still the high I get from whenever I sit next to him. He had said something to me (which I have completely forgotten what it was now) and I asked him "Why do I talk to you?" His response was "I don't know. Because I'm cute and funny?" Which I had to agree with.

I told him about the crazy lady from the other day and then we started talking about Crash, music, movies, money, what is he going to do when the theater he works for closes, and Lost (of course) with Beth. It was a great evening, made even better by his presence (I am so hooked).

When he was leaving, he put his hand on my shoulder and then slowly moved it across the back of my neck. I got goosebumps. He will be there on Sunday. I cannot wait.

God, I just want to lick him.

When movies and reality collide

So last night Jeff bought Crash and he made Keem and I watch it with him. It was family time. I didn't want to watch the movie because I don't normally like dramas (give me a nice comedy and I'm a happy, happy girl) but I had heard good things about it (most notable review would be from James) and finally conceded to watching it with him.

It was a good movie. I did like it, even though I found it disturbing in many ways. I was brought up in a household where you did not judge people based on their race or religion or sexual preference. Where you accepted people for who they are. So racism is a hard pill for me to swallow. I don't get it. I don't understand how you can discriminate against someone because they are a different color of skin or because they love someone of the same sex or because they worship a God that is different then yours.

I'm not going to go into the movie a lot because it doesn't really apply to what happened to me today. Except that it does. You'll see in a moment.

I took a call this morning that I seriously think may have been scripted in the Twilight Zone. It started out so normal. A woman calls in. She wants to know how to sell her shares. I start giving her the information. She asks if she can come in to sell her shares because she lives in the Twin Cities. Sure, I tell her. How does she get here?

I don't drive. I have no clue how she gets here so I go to mapquest.com and pull up the information. I start giving her the information. Then she asks if we are on a busline. Yes. We are on a busline. I go to metrotransit.com because I take the bus here and I can't remember what the route number is that she'll have to take here. I say that I don't know what route she would take to get to downtown Saint Paul but she would need to take either XXB or XXE to get here. She says she will call Metro Transit. What are the cross streets? I tell her. And this is where it gets bizarre.

DM: If you tell the bus driver you're going to the NABABNA building, they will tell you what stop you need. It's right across the street from Burger Joint.
Odd Woman (OW): What are you saying?
DM: That we're on the corner of This Street and That Street. Burger Joint is right across the street.
OW: I don't think you understand what you are saying. Are you trying to lump me in with other groups? Are you putting me in a category with the blacks and the Jews?
DM: Uh, no, I'm giving you instructions on how to get here.
OW: You can't say these things.
DM: I don't understand. I'm trying to give you instructions...
OW: Why does the name announced not said clearly? Is that supposed to be an insult?
DM: What? I'm not sure what you mean.
OW: It should be Stock Transfer but, instead, it is pronounced as Stock Sfer (which, by the way, this is a fake name for my company and also, it is pronounced very clearly. It is not slurred at all). Is this a lisp? Or is that some sort of insinuation?
DM: Ms Woman, I'm trying to give you instructions on how to sell your shares.
OW: I don't sell my shares.
DM: Okay.
OW: Do I have to have proof that I killed a Jew or promise to kill a Jew in order to have assistance?
DM: Ms Woman, I think I need to disc...
OW: You stupid b*tch!
DM: I'm going to...
OW: You wh*re!
DM: I'm going to disconnect this call.
OW: You son of a b*tch!

Click. She has hung up. I am shaking. I immediately dial the Manager on Duty number and talk to one of the supervisors. I want someone to listen to this call because this woman struck me as somewhat unhinged and also violent. I am worried about her walking in our front door. I am asked to send an email to the management staff so they can pull the call. I ask if I can take a few minutes to calm down. This is approved. I spend a little bit of time trying to stop crying and shaking (I wasn't sobbing but I was upset and since I cry when I am happy, I'm not surprised that I was crying after this call).

I spent 2 1/2 years at the main call center for NABABNA dealing with escalated calls. I have been called names, I have been sworn at, I have been accused of not caring. Out of all of that time, there was only 2 calls that really disturbed me and made me this upset. One was a man who threatened to walk into a branch and shoot a banker (I just realized that the 2nd call was one that took place when I was a banker, not a supervisor so that is 4 1/2 years). Ms Woman was the 3rd call. It's not a bad track record when you think about it.

About a half hour to an hour later, I've been visited by every one of the management staff. They have all listened to the call. I am told I did absolutely nothing wrong. Nothing I said should have trigged this sort of response.

I tell them "I just watched Crash last night so I was wondering." They all laugh and say no, nothing I did should have trigged this. Obviously she is very disturbed. Maybe she is bi-polar.

All I want to say to this woman is "Thanks. Thanks for making me question myself. Thanks for making me worry that you were going to show up here with a gun. Thanks for being a complete and total psycho. And, if you are bi-polar, may I just mention that Effexor works much better for treating this disorder than the crack you are obviously taking."

Anyway, I hope you're all having a good day.

Priceless

Years ago, when the Sheepsheadians used to meet at Perkins every night and play Sheepshead (hence the name), one night we came up with a mock Mastercard commercial. I was going to put it into cross stitch for Beth's birthday and even started it but seem to have lost the project. I've felt guilty about never finishing this project but it would no longer be fitting today since it is a rare occasion when the remaining Sheepsheadians get together to play cards. Beth is the only one who works nights.

The mock Mastercard commercial was this:

Gas to Perkins - $10
Food at Perkins - $20 (after tip)

Watching the 9 of Diamonds take a trick - priceless

Sheepshead. It's everywhere you want to be.

So I was thinking about this mock commercial and how much fun it was and I thought, hey, maybe I could make a new one up.

What do you think?

Gas to the Chalet - $10
Soda at the Chalet - $20 (after 70% tip)*

Watching drunk women dance with ketchup bottles and play air guitar - priceless

Karaoke. It's everywhere you want to be. But best when at the Chalet.

I figure I could maybe do some musical notes around the border and I might even be able to find a pattern for a ketchup bottle.

*Beth insists that it is soda. I prefer the term pop myself but it is her (extremely) belated birthday present so I suppose I can make this sacrifice (and I now have Hello, Goodbye from The Beatles in my head (You say soda. I say pop)). Imagine martyred sigh right here.

Anyway, speaking of karaoke, it was great fun. There were not a lot of drunks. There was, however, a large group of people that walked in and one of them approached Becky at our table.

Extremely enthusiastic woman who looked vaguely like a horse (EEW): Hi!
Becky: Hello (said slowly to indicate "Do I know you? Why are you talking to me?").
EEW: We came here in a limo.
Becky: Really (said slowly to indicate "And I care about this why?")
EEW: It's really cool. You should go check it out. It's a NASCAR limo.
Becky: Oh. That's nice (said slowly to indicate "Ah. You are white trash. That explains everything.").*

*Disclaimer - I am sure that there are very nice people out there that are NASCAR fans but c'mon, people, there have to be limits. If you do not want to be considered white trash, follow these simple guidelines.

Do not decorate your trailer with NASCAR pictures and wood paneling (I used to live in a mobile home. Living in a mobile home does not automatically make you white trash. Your decoration style, however, makes a big difference between tasteful and inexpensive and two steps away from moving to Kentucky to marry your sister).

Do not send out your emails with the signature line that says "Number 1 Elliot Sadler fan! Number 1 somebody else fan (a Sadler as well, I think)! Go Elliot! Go other person!" Signature lines should be fun and exciting and promote something interesting, such as your blog.

Do not wear your NASCAR jacket that is covered with endorsements for various NASCAR people. It makes you look like a race car. Are you a race car? A tasteful patch or emblem for one driver would be acceptable. Even better would be a tasteful patch or emblem for Batman. Batman is cool. NASCAR is not.

If you are going to insist on wearing your NASCAR jacket that is covered with endorsements for various NASCAR people, do not drive a car that you have decorated with bullet hole stickers. Looking like you have just left a shoot out between your clan and the Feds is (how do I say this tactfully), well, tacky.

If you are going to get a theme limo, a much more tasteful choice would be a limo from the 1950's. There are several of them in Minnesota. They are pretty and red and shiny from all of the chrome. NASCAR limos frighten me. Even though I did not go to look at the NASCAR limo, I am quite sure that it was not pretty and red and shiny.

After the NASCAR crowd left (apparently they did something that ticked off Dan but I couldn't understand a word that he said. I really need to look into getting my hearing checked or maybe start learning to read lips), karaoke continued at a much more normal pace.

Bryan came up with a new game. Instead of going to the wheel, he went to page 10 in the book, chose a song from that page and decreed that, going forward, we would go in order and choose a song from the next page. This was actually a lot more fun than going to the wheel. We had an actual selection to choose from and there were a lot of songs out there that we didn't know that were in the book. There was even the opportunity to trade pages if you knew absolutely nothing on your page. It was a lot of fun.

Crap. Lunch is over. I'm going to publish this now. I'll try to update more tomorrow. If you need more info, I suggest you read this post again and speculate.

So. Do you want to know what happened at karaoke last night?

He hugged me. He hugged me. He hugged me. He hugged me. He hugged me. He hugged me. He hugged me. He hugged me. He hugged me. He hugged me.

HE HUGGED ME!

Did I mention that he hugged me? Because he did.

Yeah, I pay attention

Alternatively titled - A (Belated) Day in the Life of Me!

So apparently we are supposed to blog today about what we did yesterday. Oops. The funny thing is that I started writing about yesterday and then I thought I was supposed to write about today and I deleted what I wrote yesterday. Oh, well. I'm just going to go with today. Sheryl's post is here and also has the links to everyone else who is doing this.

12:25 AM - Okay. I have no concept of time. I don't wear a watch. I can tell you that I'm at karaoke and that people are singing. Right now Rhianna is singing "You Sexy Thing."

12:28 AM - Steve is going to sing but he doesn't know what. Beth tells him that she knows two numbers for the songs he sings and he can choose between A-ha or The Killers. He picks The Killers. Beth tells him that if he wants to sing other songs, he has to tell her what the numbers are so she can memorize them. It's a Rainman thing. She has all of her song numbers memorized and a lot of mine. I'm lucky if I can remember the number for the time it takes me to walk from the table to the stage. Beth, Katie and I are all singing at the table. This is a fun song ("Mr. Brightside").

12:32 AM - Steve is whoo worthy. Beth is singing now. "All That Jazz." I make jazz hands. And jazz hands without the jazz (this would be where you hold your hands out but don't shake them in a jazzy fashion. Beth made it up. Ask her). Katie says this is a good song for Beth.

12:35 AM - Why do I carry an organizer around? I never use it. I write some of the things I've done this last week. So much for thinking it will help me remember things for scrapbooking. At least I blog.

12:36 AM - Bryan & Reverend James start singing "Lola." This is always cool. Beth tells us about how she was eating Skittles divided by color and remembered being 3 years old and eating Reese's Pieces divided by color and this was probably the start of her OCD habits. Katie says she will not eat anything yellow, even yellow M&M's. I have weird friends.

12:45 AM - I am distracted by a blinking light. It's the reflection of Reverend James lighting his cigarette. Not an alien landing in the parking lot. Yeah. Maybe it's not my friends that are weird.

12:47 AM - I do not understand how wearing boots and rolling your cuffs of your jeans up high is considered fashionable. I think it looks stupid.

12:53 AM - I am now singing, singing, singing. You can wait for more update because I'm busy singing "If You Could Read My Mind." It's now 12:55 and the song is still going. I sound absolutely fantastic! Yea! My hair looks cute while I sing. Worship me, I am the Queen.

12:57 AM - Still singing. Now people clap for me.

12:58 AM - If you couldn't tell, Beth ghost wrote the two previous entries. You can tell this because she and I have different ways of spelling an expression of happiness. She writes yea. I write yay. That and I normally don't write about how cute my hair is.

1:00 AM - Why is Christopher Knight considered a TV star? Some infomercial is on and I only recognized him because there was a picture of him as Peter Brady. That is not a star. That is a former child star.

1:03 AM - Shawn, the drunkest man in Puppetland is singing. Beth told me that L was here but I thought she said James (it's very loud in the bar). I am happy until I realize who she is talking about. Dang it.

1:05 AM - 1:12 AM - By explaining to Katie who L is, that leads into Beth and I telling about how I faked an asthma attack to get Beth out of a date with Pete.

1: 15 AM - Random las. La, la, la, la, la!

1:17 AM - Time for a cigarette. There is a guy singing "I Love This Bar." I do not love this song but I do love this bar. The Chalet is the best bar ever. No, I am not biased.

1:21 AM - Beth is text messaging Steve because he forgot to pay his tab. Dork.

1:23 AM - Bryan says "We're running out of time but I'm going to try to get the people up to sing. I am the karaoke host of the people. Of the people, for the people." Bryan is very funny. We like him.

1:27 AM - The woman singing has just screamed into the mike. Nice. That's not at all annoying.

1:29 AM - Screaming again. There really isn't any screaming in "Sweet Child O'Mine." And the random dancing around like Axl Rose is somewhat irritating. Plus, I'm pretty sure Axl Rose didn't grind his hips like that. Or offer to show his tits to the audience for $100. Axl Rose had more class (I can't believe I just wrote that).

1:31 AM - It's last call. Oh, gosh, I better go get a drink. Or not.

1:34 AM - Liz is here. Yay!

1:35 AM - Axl Rose girl is trying to get Bryan to dance because her friend is singing "Let It Rip." He turns her down gracefully. Now she is bouncing around. All she needs is a bottle of ketchup (Diana, Beth rejected my idea to disguise ourselves as giant ketchup bottles. She said the drunk people might try to dance with us. She's got a point). There are two men in the audience that are trying to convince her and her friend to get naked. They are classy. The women are just as classy because they said they would for the right amount of money.

1:40 AM - Axl Rose girl is now dancing to "Let's Get It On." Great. Lap dances for everyone! I'll pass, thanks.

1:47 AM - Liz, Beth and I start talking about work, Theo (Liz and Bryan's dog), pet rats and how they stink when they die, why Keem wants to get a toddler leash for me (I have a tendency to wander off in the store. She doesn't like that) and various other topics.

1:58 AM - Beth and Liz are very strange. They are talking about their OCD habits. Liz is even worse than Beth. Seriously, if you need to have the stripes on the bedspread completely lined up or you can't sleep, why bother buying a bedspread with stripes? Oh. Liz just said she bought a new bedspread because of that. Okay.

2:31 AM - Leaving the Chalet. Beth and I sit in front of my building and talk about music and people who pretend they know stuff when they don't and about how the street sweeper tried to run us over but didn't.

3:00ish AM - Walk in my apartment. Head to my room.

3:05 AM - Go to bed. Try not to think about the fact that I have to get up in 3 hours.

6:12 AM – Keem walks out of the bathroom. “Dana,” she says in her "I am the boss of you" voice. “Get up.” I find it amusing that the song playing right now is “Let Me Sleep Tonight” by the Nadas.

6:13 AM – Try to wake myself up enough to get into the shower.

6:26 AM – Start getting dressed. Remind myself that I put deodorant on. Otherwise I will end up applying it several times. My memory isn’t so good.

6:30 AM – Go to Keem’s room. Tell Keem what time it is. She determines that we have 22 minutes before we have to leave. Go back to my room and set alarm for 20 minutes. Take nap.

6:50 AM – Stupid alarm clock. God, I hate mornings.

7:18 AM – Nod off in car. Keem uses the elbow. Listen to her lecture me about how she doesn’t get to sleep while she is driving so I can not sleep when I am driving riding. Try not to roll my eyes because that always extends the lecture. Not that I fall asleep in the car a lot.

7:30 AM – Pull up Sheryl’s blog. Realize that yesterday was the day in the life. I am a dork. Decide to just continue with today. Start typing up stuff from last night.

8:30 AM – Damn it. I have to start working. I switched with Jodi so I got an hour of free blogging.

8:44 – Stupid computer. I have to log out now because my fax isn’t working. ARGH!

9:01 – Took advantage of my computer crashing to go and get pop. 3 cans of Mountain Dew should do it. Hopefully.

9:20 – My back itches. Where are my scissors? Ah, sweet relief of metal scraping across my skin.

9:30 – Must go to bathroom. God, I’m tired. Would anyone notice if I fell asleep under my desk? Probably.

9:37 – Ooh! I get to cross off another day off the calendar. Only 6 days left of tax season! Yay!

10:14 – Mail letter for stock holder. It is a brief break away from the phones.

10:45 – Break time. Yay! Realize I have not taken my pills this morning. Take them. Hello, Effexor. Hello, Weight Smart Vitamin pill. Realize that I only have one Effexor pill left. It is a good thing that Effexor has a half life of forever and I can usually go the weekend without taking the pill without any side effects. And I dropped my prescription off last night so it will be ready to go on Monday.

10:55 - Stupid break is over. When I am president, I will extend breaks to a half hour. And, if you go to karaoke at the Chalet on Thursdays and Sundays, you get a "get out of work free" card. Unless you try to assasinate me. That will just tick me off. Somewhere there is a post about the things I would do when I am president but I can't remember where it is. I really have to get better at updating my archives.

12:00 PM - Lunch time! Yay! Start working on this post some more.

12:10 PM - Keem brings over my pizza. Yummy pizza that has a thin crust and sausage, pepperoni, black and green olives. Why, yes, it is perfectly healthy and low calorie (in other words, I don't care).

12:30 PM - Stupid lunch is over. I go back to taking calls. There are 24 calls holding. Stupid cost basis people.

12:36 PM – Get email from manager sent to entire group about taking your lunches at your scheduled time. Crap. I switched with Jodi and took my lunch at her normal time. Does he mean me? Probably not but I’m going to email him anyway.

12:41 PM – He didn’t mean me. I breathe a faint sigh of relief.

1:49 PM – It is break time. After my break, it will be 2. Then I have 3 hours to go. How will I make it? I’ve already drank the 3 cans of Dew and am on the 1 liter bottle that Keem gave me. Oh, well. I’m going to go to Sheryl’s site and start reading some of the other days in the life. This should be fun.

2:00 PM - I just finished reading Kris's post. I have to tell you, I have no idea how moms get anything accomplished. Having to be responsible for small children and have a life? Sheesh. Thank the Lord again that he never saw fit to let me get knocked up all those times when I was not a good Dana. Ask the Lord to stop making me think that having a baby really wouldn't be all that bad. Because, seriously, what am I going to do? Walk up to random strangers and say "Please impregnate me?"

2:41 PM – Go to the bathroom.

2:48 PM – Talk to Tax temp about her hat. It is the Batman emblem. Contemplate knocking her over and making a run for it. Realize that I don’t run that fast and decide to indulge myself in a brief conversation as why Batman is the best super hero ever. Hello! Screw you and your super human strength, Superman. Batman has a super human mind.

2:50 PM – Indulge myself in brief thought of James. Because he is like Batman. Adam West Batman.

2:51 PM – Go back to the phones. Have I mentioned that I hate tax season? It’s Friday afternoon and there are 40 calls holding. Sigh.

3:00 PM – 2 hours to go. Not that I’m counting.

3:25 PM – Have brief argument with co-workers Jodi and Laurie about how many cans is in a 1 liter of Mountain Dew. Jodi thinks it is 6 cans. It is actually 2.6. I love being right. Rusty decides to point out that the fact that I’ve had 5.6 cans of Mountain Dew is over 1,000 calories. I don’t care. It’s done the trick and coffee makes me feel wired and sick to my stomach.

3:55 PM – Laurie gives me a very yummy Little Debbie treat. It is a rice krispie bar and it tastes even better than Rice Krispie’s rice krispie bar. And it is only two points. Not that I need anymore sugar today but what the heck. I am throwing caution to the weend! Shut up, spell check, I know that weend is not a word. But that’s how I am saying it. How will anyone know what my fun pronunciation for wind is if I don’t spell it phonetically?

3:57 PM – Go back to the stupid phones. One hour to go. I can do this. I can.

4:45 PM – Dude. You own stock. Stock fluctuates. “It’s not a fluctuation. It’s dropping.” I am sorry that you’ve lost almost $5,000 this year but what do you expect? The price could shoot up ten bucks next month or drop another twenty. Do you really think I care?

5:02 PM – Finally. My time sheet is done. I am done. I am making a big orange X through today on the calendar. Five days to go. Except not. Because the stupid IRS has decided that Monday will be the last day of tax season because the 15th falls on a Saturday. That’s just what I need.

5:07 PM – Okay. What time does my bus come at? 5:55 PM. I can deal with that. I could stay to 6:55 PM because that would mean a faster Internet connection. No dial-up. Is it worth it? Maybe.

5:10 PM – Why does every inch of skin on my face have to itch? I’ve already drawn blood once today. Stupid dry skin.

5:15 PM – Okay. I am now going to finish Amanda’s post that I started reading at about 2:00 PM whenever I was on hold.

5:19 PM - Finish Amanda's post. Leave comment. She is a mom and pregnant. My God. Again I wonder about how moms do this. Resolve to be especially nice to Kari. Maybe. There are plenty of years that she was a complete brat so I'm not sure that she deserves extra niceness (not that my sister reads my blog but on the off chance that she does, yes, I am just kidding).

5:35 PM - Finish reading through what I've written so far and correct a few errors. Reward myself by going to Jennifer's post. Ah. Another mother. I prepare myself to feel exhausted after I am done (but that just might be the Mountain Dew wearing off).

5:59 PM - Finish reading Jennifer's post. Leave comment. I am exhausted. She lives in Costa Rica and I have many questions now about her life so I'm thinking I'll have to start reading her archives. Well, so far I have three people to add to my bloglines. Realize that I am staying to 6:55 PM because my bus just left 4 minutes ago.

Who is next on my list of blogs? Karin (Is this pronounced Kare-EN or Kar-IN or Kar-EN? Hmm. I decide it is pronounced Kar-IN. More exotic). Ooh! She likes karaoke! I like her already!

6:10 PM - Am done reading Karin's post. Her cold medicine kicked in so she only got to about 10:30 AM. Will go check her site out tomorrow for the rest.

Decide to set email reminder to log out of the computer at 6:45 PM so that I do not forget about my bus. I am not in the mood to sit over at Subway for an hour until the next bus comes because I know myself. I will get involved in my book and then forget to leave at 7:55 PM and then I'll be stuck for another hour. My book is called "The Little Lady Agency" by Hester Browne. It amuses me and I'm only on 64. This is a good sign. Remind myself to blogline sites tonight when I get home and check out an author that Amanda mentioned. Thank God I keep a blog or else I would never remember anything.

6:11 PM - Elaine is talking to someone named James. Indulge myself in brief thought of James. Tell myself I am a dork. Remember that Beth said last night that someone found her site through searching for "Karaoke at The Chalet" and "Beth and Dana." Decide to see the most recent searches on my account.

6:18 PM - Set up reminder to log out that I was going to do seven minutes ago.

6:30 PM - Breathe a sigh of relief that I hit publish at 6:11 PM and so only lost what I had written from 6:18 PM because the stupid browser decided to freeze and then was not responding so I hit yes to close the site and then it decided that meant I really wanted to close all of the websites I was looking at. Go back to searches.

6:34 PM - Think to myself "Hey. It might be a good idea to hit publish so I don't lose everything again." Hit publish.

6:45 PM - Reminder pops up. Ignore it to post the most interesting searches that found my site.

*Name of person who has vanished into thin air – Interesting. I wonder who is searching for him. If they find him, would they tell him it isn’t nice to abandon your friends?
*A picture of my breast. Here you go, Larry.
*Taking off red panties – What? Now I am scared.
*How do I know if I’m vomiting bile? – I would think that if you are vomiting bile, you’ll figure it out. It is gross.
*Duck strangle – Leave the ducks alone!
*“Mel at the Chalet”
*Duck on a pound picture – What?
*F*cked by gangsters because of husbands debt videos – Oh, dear Lord. That is very disturbing.
*So i married an axe murderer-mike myers-this poem sucks lyrics – I love that poem.

Log off of computer. Goodbye.

6:48 PM - Walk past bathroom. Wonder if I should go to the bathroom before I leave? No. There's no time.

6:50 PM - Reach bus stop. Reach into purse for book and to dig out bus pass so I am sure I have it when the bus arrives.

6:50 and 30 seconds PM - Realize that I don't actually have my bus pass with me. It's in my wallet which I am not using anymore because I switched purses. Crap! And I don't have any change because I bought 3 cans of Mountain Dew today. Curse you, Mountain Dew! But I have a five dollar bill. I do not have time to run back to the office and ask anyone for change.

6:51 PM - Run into Subway. I'll buy a cookie. That will give me change. Oh, my GOD! There's a line. How can there be a line? Ask really cute Hispanic guy if I can go in front of him because I'm just buying a cookie. He says yes.

6:52 PM - Wait impatiently as quite possibly the worst cashier in the world is still ringing up some guy's sub. Does not give him his glass for his pop. Customer asks for the glass. Cashier says "Oh, yeah. I got distracted." Great. You're an idiot. Could you ring a little faster? It's a cookie! How hard is that?

6:53 PM - Quite possibly the worst cashier in the world is completely thrown off when I ask him for a dollar in quarters. I watch him count the quarters. "One, two, three...(long pause)" I want to scream "It's four! There are four quarters to a dollar. Are you a complete moron?" He then hands me back my change.

I really hate it when people give you the dollar bills first and then the change. How can you not recognize how annoying that is?

6:54 PM - Run back outside. Expect to see my bus turning the corner. But I am in luck. The bus is about one block away. Thank goodness.

6:55 PM - Sit down, pull out my book and start reading.

7:15 PM - Look up. Hey. Look at that. We're on the Robert Street bridge. My stop is next. Perhaps I should be paying attention before I end up in Minneapolis (while I have never ended up in Minneapolis, I have ended up in very different places then where I want to be).

7:16 PM - Get off bus, stand at corner and wait for light to turn green. Shake my head at the young kid who is walking against the red light. Some day you're going to get hit by a car, young kid. Where would you be then?

7:18 PM - Exit elevator and open apartment door. Put purse in front of Eddy's nose so he can't run out into the hallway.

7:19 - 7:30 PM - Talk to Jeff about my day. Tell him the bus fiasco. Talk about the boys that he is chatting with. Tell him that I'm going to go play on Keem's computer and then eat something and then go online and finish this post and then go to bed so there is no rush for him to stop chatting. One of us needs to have somewhat of a love life.

7:35 PM - Feed Eddy treats that Keem bought him. Apparently he likes them so much that she has to hide them. Otherwise he will attack the bag.

7:36 PM - Eddy has finished eating his treats. Apparently the treats are filled with kitty crack because he is now racing around the bed, playing with the toys he left there (when he misses her, he will bring toys and put them on her bed. There are two tonight. Obviously he misses her a lot today).

8:05 PM - Jeff has run into Keem's bedroom. "Are you all right?" he demands. I look puzzled. Oh. Yeah. I made a sound of frustration when I died yet again on this stupid, addictive game called Wonderlines. Okay, maybe it was more like a frustrated scream.

9:00 PM - Jeff walks by. "Stop making noises." I can't help it. This game is evil. EVIL! I have died yet again.

9:30 PM - Huh. So much for only playing for a little bit.

9:31 PM - Decide I am going to eat cream cheese and Cheez-its and just give up on the day. I am too tired to eat healthy and stupid Quizno's closed at 6 PM and I couldn't get the Caesar salad I was craving.

9:32 PM - I think I will watch CSI: Start rewinding the tape.

9:33 PM - I hate this stupid VCR and the stupid VCR remote. I don't want to record! Stop it. Damn it, I'm replacing you with tivo. Someday. Maybe in the next decade.

9:40 PM - Accidently rewound the entire tape. Am forwarding through a whole bunch of soaps. Keem watches them. I do not (mainly because I do not have the attention span to keep track of who is sleeping with who or vanished or come back from the dead for the 4th time). Huh. There appears to not be any CSI: Dang it. I will watch a movie.

9:41 PM - Decide to watch Bryan's DVD. It is perfect. Neither Keem or Jeff will watch it and they are not here to complain. Put the DVD in the DVD player.

9:42 PM - Realize that I left the DVD remote on the coffee table. I am at the dining room table. Oh, well. I'm too tired to watch a movie anyway.

9:43 PM - Walk by Jeff in Keem's room. Tell him good night.

9:45 PM - Start writing up every thing that has happened since I left work. Pet Eddy when he wanders by.

11:16 PM - Finish updating. Okay, yes, I've read a few other posts and checked some email. Realize that I cannot keep my eyes open. It is time for bed. Look forward to a day of leisure tomorrow, surfing all of the other day in the life posts I didn't get to today.

Good night all.

A day in the life of me and other random stuff

Sheryl (You all remember Sheryl, right? The extremely talented and oh-so-funny woman who created my banner? And the creator of National Delurking Week?) has come up with something I find somewhat intriguing. Last month she posted about her day, everything that happened, as an experiment. The result was that we (her loyal audience) loved it. It really gives you insight into what people are thinking. Anyway, tomorrow, April 7th, a bunch of us are going to be trying it as well. It might be something that becomes a monthly feature. If you're interested, pay her a visit and let her know if you're going to do it as well. She will link to you.

********* (this is how you will know I have moved to another random thought)

I'm upset that Mandisa got kicked off American Idol last night but she's a fantastic singer and anyone with half a brain that works in the music industry will sign her to a contract right now.

Still hoping that Chris wins but I really like Katherine McPhee as well.

Does anyone really like Ryan Seacrest? He annoys me so much. Stop picking on Simon, you wanker. He may be mean on occasion but he's much better looking than you and has more talent in his little finger than you do in your entire body. Just stand there and hold the microphone, pretty boy. See where that's going to get you.

**********

Lost was fan-bloody-tastic last night! Oh my GOD! I love episodes about Hurley. It drives me crazy that, other than Beth and James, no one I know watches the show (although Jeff started watching it with me last night because he thinks Sawyer is hot (and who can blame him, he is quite yummy) and is mad at me because he thinks he is going to get hooked). I need to discuss this with someone! I can't wait until tonight. I ended up emailing Beth last night.

From: DM
To: Beth
Subject: Lost
Oh my GOD! It was very good. Can't wait to see you tomorrow and talk about it.

From: Beth
To: DM
Subject: RE: Lost
Evil. You are evil.

From: DM
To: Beth
Subject: RE: Lost
I know. But, dammit, I had to tell someone. Do you want me to call every James in the phone book until I find him so I can say "Dude. Lost was so freakin' cool. No, I am not stalking you."

From: Beth
To: DM
Subject: RE: Lost
Actually, would you? That would be hilarious!

From: DM
To: Beth
Subject: RE: Lost
That would also be very wrong.

I'm off to bed soon. I'm assuming we are still on for tomorrow? Let me know.

Must. Stop. Eating. Icebreakers. Mints. They. Are. Like. Crack.

From: Beth
To: DM
Subject: RE: Lost
Would we not be on for tomorrow? Are you on crack? Apparently the icebreakers kind.

*********

Speaking of TV, why, why, why must I get so hooked on stupid shows? Why? I watched The Evidence last night and started bawling at the end. Dang it. But who can blame me? You've got a woman whose husband died of cancer but didn't tell her he was dying because he wanted to see her happy so everyone thought he was murdered because he fell on top of a transformer and was electrocuted, you have Martin Landau's character tell about how his father lied to him and saved his life (long story short, he was 10, his dad made him play the violin in front of Auschwitz because the Nazi officers loved German composers, especially Beethoven and, while he was playing, his father was taken off to die while he became the personal muscian of some SS officer which ended up saving his life) and Rob Este's character's wife was killed and he is still trying to solve her murder.

Plus the show has the incredibly gorgeous Orlando Jones who I adore and have the occasional naughty thought about.

***********

I'm a little irritated with myself. I heard "Heartache Tonight" on the radio and was thinking I wanted to try it at karaoke someday if we had it but couldn't figure out who sang it and the radio info was frozen on "Eartache Tonight" for the longest time. And then, finally, it showed who the band was. How could I not know it was the Eagles? I love the Eagles. I hang my head in shame.

***********
Tonight is karaoke! Karaoke! KARAOKE! I am very excited.

Apparently I am also a dork. Have a lovely day, folks. I'm outta here.

The End Is Near!

That may seem a bit dramatic, especially when I tell you that the end I'm referring to is the end of tax season. April 15th fast approaches (thank you, Lord. You are a just and kind God. Now if you could just remove this plague known as cost basis, I'd be a much happier person).

I have learned a new way to keep calm in the last few weeks. I've started cross stitching again (I used it a lot when I was trying to quit smoking. It didn't keep me from smoking but it did keep my hands busy and that kept me from killing anyone. This is a good thing). Now, if I have a stock owner tell me to hold on while they rustle around for their account number or if I have to call another department for an answer, I just concentrate on the little squares and it helps me relax. I feel like I'm accomplishing something. It has the added bonus of not getting me in trouble for surfing the internet too much (with it being so busy, I can't justify the excessive hits). And there is the super fantastic bonus of keeping me from snacking in between meals because I'm not stressing over stuff and convincing myself I need chocolate. And then more chocolate. And even more chocolate.

Yesterday both Jodi and I spoke to stock holders who, when complaining about the fact that there is at least a 20 business day turn around time for old statements (and let's not forget that they have to pay for them because they hate that), found it important to tell us "You know, taxes are due on April 15th."

I don't think Jodi and I are the ones that need the reminder. I'm pretty sure that every one in the free world knows this. But one of these days one of us is going to respond with "Really? You're kidding. I had no idea." And then lose our job.

I think it might almost be worth it.