Monday, May 30, 2005

At Last

At Last - Etta James

At last
my love has come along
my lonely days over
and life is like a song

Ooh At last
the skies above are blue
well my heart was wrapped up in clover
the night I looked at you

I found a dream
that I could speak to
a dream that I could call my own
I found a thrill
to press my cheek to
a thrill that I have never known

When I liked the Cream Puff Man but was trying to convince myself (and everyone else) that I didn't, I told Beth that it was impossible. That I knew, knew without a doubt in my heart, that when I met The Guy, The One, I would hear At Last playing in my head. So that was how I knew without a doubt that Puffy was not the one. Do you know what she kept doing? Do you? Oh, I'll bet you'll never guess.

Yeah. She started singing At Last. It was horrible. Let me rephrase, she sang it very well but it was messing with my mind. And that is just wrong. But fortunately, I came to my senses and the crack I was smoking left my system and all was good again.

I have a theory (Buffy fans, every time you use this phrase, do you flash back to the musical and remember Anya singing "I've got a theory! It could be bunnies! Bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposes! They've got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses! And what's with all the carrots? What do they need such good eyesight for anyway? Bunnies! Bunnies! It must be bunnies! (Pyrotechnics.) ...Or maybe midgets." Or is that just me?).

Okay, I have a theory that I am someday going to meet The Guy, The One but I'm either going to be 90 or he's out there now but he lives 2000 miles away. In fact, Larry and I just had a conversation about this on MSN Messenger the other day. This is not a very pleasant theory but I am cynical and yeah, kind of bitter about how my romantic life has been going lately the last 8 years.

Last night at karaoke, one of the semi-regulars was in and was mentioning to Angie that he had a girlfriend now. I overheard this conversation and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Not that I like this guy. That's not it at all. No, I was more, shall we say, shocked and/or stunned that he had a girlfriend (I am a bitch. I have never said otherwise). My viewpoints on it were something like this:

DM: Beth, there is no God.
B (somewhat shocked to hear me say this because I am rather spiritual): What? Why?
DM: Semi-regular (can't even give him a good fake name, sorry, but it'll give away who I'm talking about and I may be a bitch but I'm not a BITCH. We'll call him Gary) Gary has a girlfriend.
B: Oh, my God (look of horror as she imagines the impossibility of this).
DM: I know! And yet, I am still single.

As those of you who have been reading faithfully, you do know that there is a guy that I do like (who I have titled as Gil (short for Guy I like)) up at karaoke. However, he is not aware that I am a female. This post, titled At Last, is not about him. No, something really weird happened last night shortly after I made my comment about there being no God.

God said "Oh, yeah?" And proved me wrong.

Bryan called this guy up, named Quagna or Quarta or Quota (probably not Quota). He asked Quogna how to pronouce his name and Quagna stood up on the stage and said "It's Quagna (lots of other syllables) from South Africa. I have come here, to The Chalet, from 2000 miles away."

Hello? 2000 miles away? Hmm. I am somewhat intrigued. Plus, the accent is hot.

Quagna and his friend are standing on the stage. His friend looks at me. He gestures with two fingers, pointing at me and then pointing to Quagna and then pointing at his eyes, conveying eye contact. Or that he is really special. One of the two.

Quagna then begins to sing. No, let me rephrase that. Quagna begins to sing to me. Directly to me. Staring into my eyes. Beth looks at him and leans forward.

B: Hey, Dana?
DM: Yeah (not breaking eye contact with Quagna)?
B: There is a God.
DM: Oh, my God. Yeeeeaaaaaahhhh (said it a drawl as I am realizing that Quagna is a) hot and b) singing directly to me and c) did I mention hot?).

Beth gets up and says something to Bryan about this after Quagna finishes singing. Something like "That guy was totally staring at Dana when he was singing." Bryan, who has no romance in his soul (well, that's not true, he was actually in another part of the bar), says "I didn't notice it." However, Angie and Amy and Beth all did notice it. I had witnesses.

Later, it is my turn to sing. I have no idea what I'm going to sing and I give my list to Beth. She tells Bryan the number. It's Black Velvet. I have sung Black Velvet before. And all immodesty aside, I'm pretty good at it. I am really getting into the song, putting my heart and soul into it.

Then Quagna walks up, looks at me, smiles and pulls out a chair directly in front of me. He sits down and stares at me the entire time I am singing. I end up singing to him. We maintain eye contact through the rest of the song. Even when I get completely nervous and completely fuck up the rest of the song by going completely flat.

After I finish, Quagna walks away, smiling at me. I am a wreck. This does not happen to me, people of the Internet. EVER. Maybe I didn't emphasize that enough. Things like this do not happen to me. EVER. This could be construed as romantic. There is no romance in my life at all. What the hell is going on?

Then God, who has a very odd sense of humor, decides to throw a twist into the night. When Quagna gets up to sing again (and now Angie, Amy and Beth are referring to him as my boyfriend), he calls for his friend Johann (the guy who was up there before with him) to come up. He needs Johann to be there because Johann is his dancing partner. Um, what?

Quagna begins singing, Johann behind him. Johann starts making slight thrusting movements with his hips towards Quagna. Quagna is still singing to me but his friend is practically humping him on the stage. At this point, we are all very confused.

Quagna finishes singing, Johann wanders off. Quagna smiles at me and walks away again. A little later, Beth says "Yeah, you know your boyfriend? He's probably gay." Ya think? She goes on to tell me that he just went into the bathroom with his friend. Which is not what led us to think he might be gay, there was a whole lot of other stuff going on that led us to this conclusion.

Then God's sense of humor runs towards the demented. There is this whole weird scene that I didn't catch much of but Angie and Amy witnessed. They had gone out to the parking lot and seen Johann lying on the ground, a broken beer bottle by his head. They, concerned, responible people that they are, walked up to him and asked if he was okay. He mumbles something.

Johann: My friend is a good guy. But something happened to my head.

Angie and Amy turn around and see Quagna come out, fist cocked, about ready to punch Johann, when he sees them and turns his "I'm going to kick your ass" stance into "Oh, my friend, what happened to you?" They hug. Angie is telling us about this and I tell her about my theory of how The Guy probably lives 2000 miles away from me and when someone who could be The Guy shows up, he's probably gay. We laugh about this because let's face it, it's pretty damn funny. They are still referring to him as my boyfriend. Who may or may not be gay. The rest of the night, Quagna is hitting on every woman in the bar except those at our table. He does not come near me again.

Liz comes in, we tell her the whole saga about how there is no God and about Quagna and what the fuck is going on here? She, bless her, has brought me books and we talk about Gary and his girlfriend and how I should not use this as a barometer for my love life because it's Gary and he's just weird. The last few songs of the night are sung and I get to sing because I promised Liz and James last week that I would sing "Leaving on a Jet Plane" for them.

After the bar closes, people leave, as they should because hello, the bar has closed. Except for the table of the two drunken blonde girls sitting behind us. With Quagna. He is hitting on Drunken Blonde Girl #1 (who is wearing a very tactful pink t-shirt that says "I need a stiff one." It goes lovely with the blue thong that you cannot help but see because her pants barely cover her thighs, let alone her ass). The three of them finally leave together. Goodbye, possible The Guy who may or may not be gay.

Liz, James, Beth and I have a great conversation about management and James tells us a very amusing story about an incredibly stupid employee that he has working for him. James needs a blog. So do Liz and Bryan. They are funny and brilliant and amusing people and we like them a lot. And, no, I'm not just saying this because I gave Liz the links to Beth and my blogs last night.

I, possibly in atonement for saying that there is no God, got in a cleaning mood and asked Bobby for a clean towel so I could wipe down the tables. He laughed at me but did comply. After bussing most of the tables (Andrew did beat me to one or two) and wiping them down, I asked Bobby if I could have a job. He said sure, I could come in every night at two and clean down the tables. Beth and I laugh over the fact that I'd have to take a bus to get there and then take a cab home. It would not be worth it.

Then the best part of the night happened. Beth and I were invited over to Bryan and Liz's house. We got to meet their adorable dog and see their beautiful house and I got to have a Diet Coke with Lime and we sat in the backyard and talked about stuff with them and James while Bryan tried to create a bonfire. And then he gave us fireworks and scared the crap out of us with things we thought would sparkle but instead they exploded in the fire.

It was a great evening, even though God is playing a serious joke on me with the whole Quagna thing. Oh, and this morning, sitting in Beth's apartment, we had an interesting conversation about this:

DM: How the hell did you pronouce his name anyway?
B (tries to say it): I'm not sure. How the hell would you scream that in bed anyway?
DM: I'm thinking it would have to be Q!

We laugh.

DM: Which brings back Star Trek: TNG memories. I could say "Call me Captain Kirk."
B: Yeah, because they're completely different series.
DM: I know. But hey, it might work.

Hope you had a great Memorial Day weekend, people of the Internet. May your love lives not be as complicated as mine.