Whine, whine, whine

An open letter to my body:

Dear body,

I have the strips to monitor my glucose level now. This is good. What is not good is that you decide to release a very miserly amount of blood, not enough to fill up the strip and then I have to use a new one. Fortunately I have 100 strips and unlimited refills until next year. However, this is no excuse. I don't like needles. It takes awhile to get up the nerve to jab myself. Please start cooperating.

And what is up with the gigantic cold sore? Or should I say 3 cold sores? All clustered in the same area? All red and puffy and glaringly obvious? Let's quote Mitch Hedberg here. "When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores."

I would also like to be more alert during the day. I'm not a big fan of coffee so if you could cooperate here, that would be great.

I do appreciate your decision to actually like the following healthy items - rice cakes, low-carb tortilla wraps (so good I may never eat bread again), ground turkey, fat free chocolate milk and etc. Now if we could work up a way to burn calories while blogging, that would be great. Get on that for me, okay?

Thanks for your time,

Dana

Monitorings are good - 208, 205, 177, 198 this morning. Sticking to the diet (wait! Don't use that word. You know how the body reacts to that word. It's a lifestyle change! Change! Not diet! Look body, here's something shiny!) for the most part. A slip or two but nothing major. Things are good. Well, except for this cold sore. And I have to do laundry tonight. Laundry sucks.

How are you all?

Thief! Thief! AKA as I stole a meme

Brought to you from the lovely and talented Miss Melissa who is my favorite word nerd ever (but still hasn't emailed me so I can give her the bookmarks I lovingly crafted for her. Sob!).

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car)

Sassy. Or Susie Boy. Notice the lack of a last name. Non-existent El Caminos don't count.


2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)

Light Mint Chip Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip. Somehow I find it hard to believe anyone would be feel threatened by that.

3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)

D-Vit. Yeah. That's exciting.

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)

Pink Kitty. Yay! Missy and I have the same name. But when we open up the detective agency, I figure we'll avoid confusion if I'm known as Hot Pink Cat.

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)

Marie Saint Paul - she just sounds so haughty, doesn't she? And rich. Rich is good.

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first)

I should refuse to do this due to my hatred for Star Wars but maybe we'll pretend this is my Star Trek name.

Vitda. From the planet of Voluptuous Vixens (hey, I can dream).

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)

The Orange/Purple Water. Yes, not only am I confused and fluctuate between favorite colors, what is my super power? Getting the Super Villain's clothes really, really clean?

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)

Ralph Frederick. Oh, yeah. That just spells classy.

9. STRIPPER NAME: ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy)

Incognito Skor (they don't make Incognito anymore so I don't know if this counts but it is still my favorite). Haiku Skor (if we're going to be technical and demand my now favorite).

10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names )

Ann Earle. Yeah, you know what? I'll face the mob. That just sounds boring.

11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter)

I don't remember my 5th grade teacher's name. I'm old, people! How about my favorite high school teacher's name? Lambert Lisbon (yes, I could go with Los Angeles but that just sounds dumb. Like Lambert Lisbon sounds so much better).

12. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower)

Spring Daisy. Missy's is Summer Daisy. Obviously we would work for the same organization.

13. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + "ie" or "y")

Boysenberry Skirtie. Well, okay, I don't actually eat Boysenberries but I like the jelly. So I suppose it would be Pineapple Skirtie. Because that sounds normal.

14. HIPPIE NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree)

Cheese Willow. I think Missy might be my long-lost younger sister. Because her favorite tree is also the Willow. Although she gets the cool name Java Willow. I'm stuck with Cheese. Guess I won't be a hippie anytime soon.

15. YOUR ROCK STAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”)

The Playing Computer Roleplaying Games Obsessively Lightning Tour. Yeah, I'm such a dork. Why I chose this over Scrapbooking or Reading, I don't know.

By the way, we're not going to discuss supper last night. It is possible I may have cheated a small bit. But! Instead of ordering 3 tacos and 2 steak taquitos and cheesy fiesta potatoes and a large Baja Blast, instead I only got 2 Cheesy Beefy Melts and a small Baja Blast. So it was a much better choice and I didn't feel like I was going to throw up from eating too much later.

Breakfast was Cheese and Table Water Crackers. No lunch. Not hungry because of the big breakfast. Or not in the mood for soup. One of the two. Still no strips. Getting them tonight.

See you!

Wearing with pride

Beth came home yesterday after her trip with her mom (11 states in 8 days. Amazing) and we went to Perkins for a short time. She told me lots of stories and showed me some pictures. Really looking forward to seeing the rest of them. We also met up with Liz and James at Ol' Mexico last night.

Anyway, they were both thinking of me when they were at the Clinton Presidential Library and her mom, Laurie, bought me a polo shirt. It is a deep purple with the gold presidential seal and the number 42 over it. Other than being the meaning of life, 42 also refers to Bill Clinton being the 42nd president. I'm wearing it today and remembering when he was president and how much better everything was. I miss him. I wish he was still president. I remember when America was actually liked by other countries. He was just such a cool guy, still is, of course, but it was nice to be proud of your president. Unlike now.

Tomorrow I might wear my t-shirt Beth got me from Beale Street and then I will think about BBQ and how I would really like to have some brisket right now. Unless, of course, I've been arrested for saying something negative about George W. I saw a pretty cool bumper sticker today. It was a picture of a cell phone and underneath it, it said "One Nation Under Surveillance." I couldn't catch what the cell phone had in the text area but still, I was pretty psyched by it. It is almost as good as the other cell phone bumper sticker I saw about two or three weeks ago which said "Shh! Bush is listening! Use big words."

Sorry, didn't mean to turn this into politics.

No glucose level monitorings. My doctor forgot to fax the prescription for the test strips and they are incredibly expensive so I'd really like my insurance to pay for them. They should be available either tonight or tomorrow. You'll be happy to know that I'm still eating carefully and avoiding a lot of heavy starches. If I do eat a starch, I balance with protein. Lots of vegetables, not much butter (and I looooove butter so this is big for me), barely any bread (also big fan of bread so another sacrifice but hey, it is worth it).

I'm feeling a little sick to my stomach right now but I think it might be because I ate a Hershey's Kiss that was candy corn flavored. Note to self: You don't like candy corn. Why on Earth would you think "Hey! This is candy corn flavored. I should try it." No, you shouldn't. Candy corn is bad.

Plus, didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Really weird dream where Beth and Keem and I were adopted by this guy and his evil (possibly twin) brother was trying to take over and get us kicked out of the mansion and then I got frost-bite because our gay brother ditched me to hook up with this really hot guy who called me a fag hag and that was irritating (I do not like that word. And why can't you just say "Hey, this is my straight female friend." It's just insulting to both parties) but hey, hot, so more power to him. And, really, it was probably my fault for running through the snow barefoot. So Keem was lecturing me while she was rubbing snow on my foot. I think you're supposed to do that for frost-bite. Because otherwise, that just strikes me as weird and a little mean. And there was a Santa Claus with a Boston accent that was a doll and our younger brother would talk to the doll and tell us what he said and would do the accent. I kind of remember the rest but it is even weirder than this so I'm going to leave it alone before you all have me locked up.

I am now going to let you know how bad I am with Geography. Last night we were counting the amount of states we've been to (James has been to 49. Bastard. Everyone but Hawaii) and I was having some difficulty.

DM: Have we established where Michigan is yet?
Beth (after long silent pause): We know where Michigan is, Dana.
DM: Well, I know it's that way (pointed to my right) but do you go to Michigan to get to Chicago?
Beth: No.
DM: Okay, haven't been there. Is there anything between the Dakotas and Wyoming?
Beth: Oh, good Lord.

Yeah. I'm not proud. Amused but not proud. Hope you all had a good weekend. I also told James he was the most irritating man I ever had the displeasure to meet. He laughed. I'm not sure why he irritated me. It might have had something to do with movies.

Johnny, sorry I missed your call. I was in and out all weekend.

Just one of the reasons why I love working here

Hello - DM's blog has been hijacked. Actually, this is Beth helping out. I am removing a portion of DM's post (below is her writing) because it might cost a job or something. I am helping DM. Have fun! Be good! Encourage her to be good about watching her food. It dances.

CHICKEN!

****

Thursday, September 13th
Dinner - 2 brats (no buns), carrots and onions lightly sauteed in butter (freaking awesome). I did not have the extra brat or any ice cream, although I really, really wanted some. I resisted the urge and it didn't kill me.
Glucose monitoring - 177 (which is awesome except I forgot to do the reading at 2 hours after eating and instead checked at 10 PM so it doesn't really count)

Friday, September 14th
Breakfast - 2 brats (no buns), cheese slices on table water crackers, two yogurts. For some reason I was extra hungry this morning so I just ate my lunch and breakfast together. I might regret this at lunch time but I guess we'll see.
No monitoring - ran out of test strips.

Nothing really new, unless you count the hail storm

Keem and I went to my doctor's office this morning for a class on dealing with Diabetes. It was interesting. Most of the stuff we talked about I already knew from Weight Watchers and it just convinced Keem and I that we either need to go back or start following the program on our own. The woman running the class, Janet, said that Weight Watchers is the only program she will recommend because it is based on the American Diabetes something something.

Got caught in a hail storm on the way back. Don't think there was any damage to the car. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

Anyway, hope you're all well. Have a great day.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Dinner - Lettuce, dressing, smattering of cheese and bacon, chicken, sausage
Snack - No snack! Yay! I was full!
Glucose levels - Evening 223 (serious drop! Yay)

Thursday, September 13, 2007
Breakfast - Yogurt (strawberry, blueberry)
Lunch 2 pieces of pizza (very small, just tiny squares), Weight Watchers Swedish meatballs (which were horrible, the meatballs were weird tasting and the noodles were mushy. Won't be buying that again. Lean Cusine's is so much better).
Glucose levels - Morning 236. WTF? Oh, wait, I took this after I already ate some of my yogurt. That makes sense.

Seriously, guys, I'm okay

Hi. Do not laugh but do you know what I'm doing between calls? Searching the Eating Well cookbook to find fun and exciting recipes for me! Because I'm diabetic! Yay! Okay, I know that sounds weird, really I do, but you will not believe how this has galvanized me into action. I had salad last night. And I liked it (although I do really like salad but normally we buy the bagged stuff and then it just sits there. This time we actually bought two different heads of lettuce (romaine and something else but it is a spring green and I love it. Endive? Possibly). Plus Keem made chicken breast to go over it. And tonight we will have salad again. Yay! Salad is good! Plus, instead of eating the entire pint of Haagen Daz's incredibly wonderful Light Mint Chocolate Chip as I am normally wont to do, I only had a 1/4. Save some for later, Dana! You're not going to get this every night as you have done in the past!

I am also aware of the whole carbohydrates = sugar = high blood sugar = BAD! So Keem and I working on cutting out a lot of carbs but not all of them because everyone has to eat carbs. I just can't have as many as I've ate in the past.

Anyway, have to keep track of what I eat and my monitor readings so guess what - you get to see them as well...

September 11, 2007
Brunch (fasting for doctor's appointment) - 3 brats, 1 1/2 buns, onions, mustard
Snack - 10 Juju coins, 1 mini Reese Peanut Butter cup (Elvis style - not bad, actually, considering that there is banana flavoring)
Dinner - Big salad, green onions, smattering of bacon and cheese, Light Done Right 3 Cheese Ranch (best ranch dressing ever), chicken breast
Snack - 1/4 pint of Haagen Daz Light Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream (you would never know that it has half the calories of regular ice cream. It is so good. I'm so used to diet/low fat/low calorie stuff tasting terrible but this is even better than the full-fat version)
Monitorings of glucose level - Morning 225. Evening 286.

September 12, 2007
Breakfast - 2 servings of Dannon Activa yogurt (1 strawberry, 1 blueberry)
Snack - 1 green apple, 1 dollop of caramel (small dollop. The container of caramel is a snack size, very hard to figure out sizes on Simon Delivers unless you know your ounces. I'm learning. I suppose the fact that it was 99 cents should have been a clue)
Lunch - Weight Watcher's Smart One: Creamy Rigatoni with Broccoli & Chicken
Monitorings of glucose level - Morning 258

I'm also on some new medication called glucosogage or something. Hopefully it will help.

Oh, and if you're not reading Geese Aplenty, you should be. He doesn't post often but when he does, oh my Lord, do I start laughing. Here is an example from today's post about giving blood:

Medical assistant who conducted my pre-interview: “Now, be sure to call this number if you get sick over the week and you want to warn us about a potential problem with your donation. For example, let us know if you come down with small pox, malaria, or republicanism.”

The co-workers think I'm insane again.

Well, it's official

I am diabetic. But you know what? I am choosing to think of this as a positive thing. Yes, clearly I have lost my mind but I have never taken my weight gain seriously. I have always thought "You know what? If people don't like me for who I am, they can just bite me (and c'mon, with all the butter and sugar I've eaten over the years, you know I'll be delicious!)." I did not take into consideration what I've been doing to my body. Let's think about this. I have asthma. I have sleep apnea. I have arthritis. I have a heel spur. I have diabetes. I am sure there are more things but let's face it, something has to be done. I know I've said this before but now I have to do something. So you all have permission to whack me on the back of my head if I don't start behaving.

But hey! I lost 5 pounds in the last week. So that's something, right?

You will be pleased to know that I am drinking diet Coke right now. Instead of the yummy Sierra Mist I so adore.

Thursday I get to go to a class on managing Diabetes. Keem is going with me. We placed an order with Simon's Delivers last night and there is lots of vegetables and very little bread/ice cream/fun stuff. Considering how much we hate to grocery shop and always get distracted in the ice cream aisle (okay, that would be me), this will be a good thing as well.

And the thing that I thought would be the worst about this, the whole finger pricking to get blood for the monitor? Yeah, barely hurts at all. I can do this. I will triumph over the evil Sugar! Yummy, delicious sugar...no, no! Bad sugar! Bad

How much else could be wrong with me?

I'm sorry but this is going to be somewhat of a whiny post but I'm really kind of irritated with my body right now.



Friday - broke out into hives again. Realized it was from my evil posture bra which had been rewashed BUT has this weird material that possibly trapped the evil detergent inside and when I wore the bra because I was too lazy Friday morning to Febreeze my other one (it gets smoky at the Chalet), I ended up breaking out in horrific hives. They were gigantic. Keem, in a joking matter, pointed out a brick wall to me and told me I could itch there. Then she made me stop because my back was bleeding in some places. Grr.


Monday - played work voicemail. Why is Deb calling me at work (Deb is my doctor)? I had a physical on Wednesday. They drew 5 tubes of blood. Five. I have small veins that have a tendency to roll. Does the tech listen to me when I tell her the best place to draw the blood is from the side of my elbow? No. Instead I am poked about 500 times while she looks dumbfounded and says "Wow. They really do roll, don't they?" No. I was lying. Guess where they finally ended up getting the blood from? Yeah. The outside of my elbow.

Anyway, apparently my blood sugar was very high. So tomorrow I have to go back to the doctor, after fasting, and get more blood drawn. Oh my God, can you handle the excitement? I sure can't.

It's only 11:23 or so and I already want to go home. I was talking to my boss this morning and said the following to her:

DM: And I think I'm going to be come a nun.
Cheryl: Why a nun?
DM: Well, it won't stop my body from falling apart but at least I don't have to worry about being single on top of this.

Did I mention that we also discovered I have arthritis in my left knee? It's not horrible but it's there. Lurking. Fortunately I did get the arch supports and my knees have been bothering me less since then. But still, I'm very annoyed and want to go back to bed.

Done whining. Carry on.

If there is a better breakfast than cold cheesy hashbrowns, I don't know what it is

Hi. I am alive. After my last post about the "manageable" hives, they all laughed hysterically and came back. By 12:30 I was in a cab on my way home. At about 3:30, the hives said "Hey, we've not done anything to really inconvenience her yet. Let's attack." That's when my lips started swelling. But only the left side. The right side was normal. At 6:30, I was at Urgent Care, waiting for my doctor.

A prescription of Predis something or another later (steroid. I don't now how to spell it. Predisone?) and a stop at Target where I apparently, in a pain-induced trance, managed to spend over 60 bucks on books (40 dollars on the nephew and Kari) and a $2 prescription, I spent the weekend itching. A lot. And redoing my laundry. No trip to LaCrosse for me. I also missed out on the party James threw Sunday but, quite frankly, I was not ready to be seen in public.

That's pretty much it. I am only itchy in some places but I'm back at work and alive so what more can you ask for, right?

Below is the post I started about Beth and my trip to Wisconsin. Enjoy.



Do Not Get Eaten By a Bear

Beth picked me up at work and we were on our way to Wisconsin (several Fridays ago). I was wearing my “Road Trip USA” shirt which I love (except for hating the collar. When will I learn that I should only wear v-neck and cowl-neck collars? Anything close to the neck feels like it is choking me) as I had promised her. The journey to Waupun was enjoyable. There was a lot of giggling, and, as normal for us, strange conversations. For your enjoyment (and my blogging pleasure) I list them as follows:

DM (after something hit me in the head (possibly a spark from my cigarette)): Ow! Are there pygmies with darts?
B: Possibly. In Wisconsin, unlikely.

I started digging through my purse to find my notebook and pen. Unfortunately, I was unable to find my pen. Beth pulled hers out with a flourish and made a Ninja noise.

One of us: It’s a Ninja pen!
***
DM: Snort, snort, snort. Hee, hee, hee!

I was amused by this very tiny little Cat machine. I don’t know what they do but I want one.
***
DM: This is the best road trip ever! There are cows & buffalos & horsies!

A flock of birds fly over us.

B: And birds.
DM: Yay!

I clap in enthusiasm.

B: You clapped.
DM: Yay!

I clap again.

DM: I just clapped for my claps.
***
Beth (to someone who is driving incredibly wrong in front of her): Why are you braking? Why?

We pass the car.

B: Oh. Because you’re old. Now I get it.

A few moments later, the old people decide to pass us.

B: Now the old people are passing me. You’re going to pass all the people who passed you. Ooooooh (makes scary hand motion as if she is a ghost).
DM (snorts): Stop it! I can’t write that fast!

A few moments later.

B: I passed the old people! Blllllhhhh! Raspberries to you!
***
We pass road work signs that have boards across them where there would normally be words explaining that there is road work.

B: There’s no road work. It bothers me that those aren’t absolutely symmetrical (the boards). If you’re going to do something, do it right! That’s what’s wrong with our infrastructure!
DM: Don’t look at my bookmarks (I have issues when it comes to cutting in a straight line. I’m working on it. But dang it, they are charmingly askew! Just like me). You would think they would just take the signs down.
***
Johnny Lang is playing. The song is either “School Girl” or “Hey, there, little School Girl” or something else. But it is hot.

B: If you’re bad in bed and you dress like a school girl, do they send you out into the hall? Do you have to go to the principal’s office?
DM: Wait! Wait!
***

DM: I want to play with the fire.
Laurie (Beth’s Mom): Okay.
B: After the food. You should eat before you get 3rd degree burns.
L: But we have aloe.

She gestures to the aloe plant sitting on the picnic table. I reach for my notebook.

B: Now she’s not going to let us talk until she writes this down.
***

Let's recap, shall we? Or Learning Experience 2

Let's talk about my week. It's been fun and exciting, let me tell you.

• Sunday. Started coughing ferociously in an attempt to either a) remove my lungs of all fluid and imagined fluid (there was drainage from my nose but not enough to make coughing comfortable (not that coughing ever is really comfortable but there's a big difference between a dry cough and a productive cough. Dry coughs hurt more)) or b) my body decided it no longer liked me and was attempting to shake me to death.
• Also on Sunday/Monday. Reached into my purse to pull out my keys and discovered that my keys and other key (hee. pardon the pun) items were now floating in Apricot syrup. Which is quite yummy but not a good substance to be coating your cell phone and camera and wallet. Fortunately, after much cursing and scrubbing, everything seems to be back to normal (well, other than the purse and any loose bits of paper. oh, and my brush. And the cheap piece of crap amplifier that I bought in an attempt to hear better. 15 bucks and all I got for my trouble was a headache. Sure, it made everything louder but that does not help you much in a bar), albeit a bit sticky still.
• Tuesday. Found out that I did not get either of the jobs I was incredibly excited about. The reasoning was that there were two people that were more qualified and I can't argue with that. The announcement email that was sent out listed the qualifications and I was impressed.
• Tuesday. Somehow I got a paper cut on my lip. How does this happen? Fortunately no one was throwing flaming lemons at me (long story. Maybe Beth will post about it).
• Wednesday. Did not get the MATH job. Didn't care. Really glad that they "chose someone whose experience is more suited to the position." Woo-hoo! Don't have to turn it down. Yay!
• Thursday. While at work, the area right between the underarm and my back starts itching. On both sides. What the heck is going on? Why am I so itchy? Argh! Fortunately dear sweet Co-worker Jackie comes to my rescue.
• Thursday night. At the Chalet. Itch. Itch. Itch. Itchy meets Scratchy. Large reddish blotches start appearing on my skin. What are these? Can it be? Yes, it can. Yay! I have hives! Wow. This is so awesome.
• Still Thursday night. Trying to scratch off all of my skin. Liz asks me if I've changed anything lately.

DM: Ah, yeah. I started using a new laundry detergent.
Liz: I was wondering if that was it. What kind of detergent?
DM: I don’t know. It was $2.50.
Liz: How big of a bottle?
DM: 32 loads of laundry.
Liz: Well, that would do it. $2.50 for 32 loads? What are you allergic to?
DM: Penicillin. Biaxin. Mold. The smell of paint. Apparently cheap laundry detergent.
Liz: Oh, yeah, you’re going to have to wash everything. Your sheets, clothes…
DM: I didn’t wash my sheets this time.
Liz: Oh, good. You can fashion yourself a toga.

Yes, I’m sure that my co-workers would love the sight of me in a toga made of brown sheets with little pink flowers (I love the colors brown and pink together. A few weeks ago, I bought pencils that are brown with little pink skulls. Don’t ask me why. I can’t explain these things) all over them.

Liz also caught me using the bar top to itch my hand.

Liz: Stop itching. Stop it. You'll just make it worse. You're like a cat! We'll buy you one of those cat scratchers.

Beth also caught me using her car door to itch my back.

Somehow I woke up Keem when I got home. Or Eddy did with his excessive need to meow at everything and everyone. Oh, and his need to get into the linen closet at 3 in the morning. The cat's a dork.

DM: Keem! Keem! I am itchy.
K: You're always itchy.
DM: Guess what happened to me. Guess.
K: What now?
DM: Apparently I am allergic to my laundry detergent.
K: You're kidding.
DM: No. Come see. I have hives. I have one the size of a quarter on my leg.
K: Yes, you sure do. And three on your knee.
DM: ARGH!!!!!!

I try to remove all skin from my body.

DM: Why me? Why?
K (trying very hard not to laugh. Failing): I'm sorry. Poor Dana. Well, I'm going back to bed.
DM: No! Itchy! Itchy back! Can't reach! Keem!
K: Keem is tired.
DM: But Keem! Itchy!
K: Poor Itchy Dana. Fine. This is going to be quick.
DM: Ah! Scratch harder! Rip the skin off!
K: Go to bed, you dork.

Thanks to Beth stopping at SA so I could buy Benadryl and the Aveeno ointment Keem gave me, I am less itchy today. I'm rather swollen and red in places but I am armed with a back scratcher, ointment and also my CO Bigelow Witch Hazel skin tonic that oddly seems to help. I'm going to La Crosse this weekend with Keem and I'll be spending some time in the basement rewashing clothes so that should be fun. Not exactly how I envisioned my Labor Day weekend. How about you? What plans do you have?

Yes, yes, go ahead and laugh. I know it's funny. Only me, right?

Not sulking. Well, not much

In a fit of frustration, I threw the purse away. Yes, I probably could have de-syruped (which is a fun word) but it would have taken too long and I am not known for my patience. Fortunately everything important made it out of the sticky sweet muck without ruin, such as Zoe and my wallet. AND! My blogging notebook had been left at work on Friday so that was awesome realizing I didn't destroy my main lifeline (not that I couldn't get another notebook but this also has all my karaoke songs in it and someday, when the Chalet owners realize that karaoke is important, I will sing again). I dragged out the old standard, my black briefcase. It will work just as well for now.

I am feeling better. Went to bed at 7:30 on Monday night and woke up with a clear head and no coughing at all! Awesome! What a great start to the day.

Until I got the phone call...I applied for two great, I would love to do this for a living, jobs a few weeks ago. I didn't get either one. Again, the only thing that could be said was that the other people had more experience. Which is great, I'm glad that I am such a great candidate and all but still...how can I get more experience if no one will hire me? I still haven't heard anything about the MATH job which is just as well because I would turn it down if it was offered to me. I think I would rather go through 400 tax seasons in a row than deal with math daily.

How did I get a paper cut on my mouth? This makes no sense. It's right on my scar as well so it looks weird and will probably scar even more and then the scar will be more noticable.

Owen Wilson tried to kill himself. I am really hoping that he finds his own happy pills and that things go better for him. He's not my absolutely favorite actor but anytime he is in a movie, he makes me laugh and my heart pitter-pat just a little bit. And I don't even like blonds so you know that's a major accomplishment on his part.

Anyway, to keep up with the randomness, I bring you random bloglines that I've been collecting in a Word document for awhile. Hope you all have a great day.

You Are Surrealism

Dreamy and idealistic, you've created a world that is all your own. It's very likely that you've either dabbled in drugs or are naturally trippy. You are always trying to push beyond the boundaries of your culture and society. You believe that art, love, and freedom can change the world.

What Art Movement Are You?

Well, yeah. I like the "naturally trippy" part myself.

You Are Midnight

You are more than a little eccentric, and you're apt to keep very unusual habits. Whether you're a nightowl, living in a commune, or taking a vow of silence - you like to experiment with your lifestyle. Expressing your individuality is important to you, and you often lie awake in bed thinking about the world and your place in it. You enjoy staying home, but that doesn't mean you're a hermit. You also appreciate quality time with family and close friends.

What Time Of Day Are You?

Hmm. A little eccentric. That's me. And the hermit thing! Yikes. This is right on.

Your True Love Is a Capricorn

Why you'll love a Capricorn: Hard working and driven, a Capricorn will work overtime to win your heart. Be prepared to get wined and dined, even once you're convinced that your Capricorn is the one! Why a Capricorn will love you: You don't rush things. You know it will take a while for a Capricorn to trust you, and you can wait. Social and outgoing, you can introduce normally shy Capricorn to a great circle of friends.

What Sign Is Your True Love?

I don't think I've ever even met a Capricorn.

You Are a Carousel

You are young at heart and a truly playful person. No one would ever accuse you of taking life too seriously. You are definitely in things for the fun. You find joy easily, and you are often building up anticipation for your next adventure. In relationships, you tend to want to be babied and taken care of. And while you may be a bit high maintenance, you are incredibly loyal. Your life is simple and satisfying. Each day you treat yourself to something you enjoy. You have a lot of emotional attachments, and experiences are extra vivid to you. You tend to be nostalgic and sentimental. The past is important to you. Comfortable around all living things, you have a special connection to animals and children. At your best, you are whimsical, free spirited, and creative. Even if your schemes seem a bit strange, they usually work out wonderfully. At your worst, you are spoiled, demanding, and impossible to satisfy. You've been known to act like a brat if you aren't getting your way!

What Carnival Ride Are You?

Sometimes these things scare me with how close they are.

Learning Experience

Last night Beth and I went to Perkins. Fortunately we were Craig Free. As we were leaving the restuarant, I saw a bottle of Apricot Syrup. I absolutely love the syrup on pancakes and waffles so I decided to buy the bottle.

Good idea, right? Sure it was. What was probably not a good idea was putting the bottle in my purse.

You guessed it. At about 2:15 this morning, as I was digging in my purse for my keys, I found them. In the puddle of syrup that was collecting.

I so look forward to the experience of cleaning my purse out after work today. I bet it will be Super Fun! It is the first time I've ever been glad that I didn't have a book with me.

Oh. And I'm getting sick. Life is so good right now. Don't you wish you were me?

How was your weekend?

I have a big, gigantic, huge post that I'm working on about my weekend (which was awesome) but right now I just wanted to let you know something that happened yesterday.

I got hit on. By a guy. By a cute guy who had a sense of humor, all of his teeth and did not appear to be insane, a crack addict or an axe murderer. AND he knew how to give change back properly (putting the change into your hand and then the bills on top of it instead of letting the change slide all of the bills and annoying me immensely). AND he knew how to do math which is very important because I hate math and like it when other people do it for me.

I do not see us having a great and exciting relationship, however. Unfortunately afforementioned hitting on occured on the way home from Waupon. Since the weather was being stupid and there was an even more stupid than the weather person in front of Beth, we pulled off at the Black River Oasis (home of the Orange Moose Bar & Grill!) gas station. This is about 100-150 miles away from my home. I don't drive. I also don't know his name or he mine. So, you know, not much chance there for Twue Wuv.

But I have been sitting here, with our systems down, 12 people holding (it was at 40 one time), dealing with the rain, scratching the 5 million bug bites from yesterday and I have been smiling. Because I got hit on. Amazing what a boost that is to your ego.

Why a spoon, cousin?

What I wouldn't give for a huge, hulking, gigantic man who could squash Craig like the little bug that he is. I could see it now.

Craig: Hi, kids. Can I sit with you?*
HHGM: No. My woman don't like being called kid. You go now. Or HHGM stomp face.
DM: Oh, HHGM, you're so wonderful.

I'm not really sure why I can't fantasize about a HHGM who is also intelligent but hey, at least he's not Craig.

*Actually karaoke is no more on Sundays so you'd think we'd not run into Craig but he seems to be stalking Beth. He has shown up at Fridleykins 3 times. My theory is that he has a GPS tracker on her car.

So my weekend was excellent, actually. Saturday I went shopping with Keem. We went to Catherine's and I bought clothes (yay!). Bath and Body Works where I spent way too much money on hand soap (okay, I bought other things like lip gloss but that is not the point). Joann's where I bought a laminating machine because I have now decided to make bookmarks. Said bookmarks are collage like and are fashioned from magazines. My favorite one so far is the one I made of this girl from a Physician's Formula add where she is hiding her face behind a book because she apparently has broken out. The bookmark now says "Investigate the world. Provide the imagination. Renew your sense of discovery. You. A true story." Would you like a bookmark? I will make you one. Just email me at greenduckiesgirl AT comcast DOT net with your address and the three words you would use to describe yourself and I will come up with a nifty new bookmark just for you! Disclaimer - those three words will probably not end up on your bookmark but it will give me an idea of what would be perfect for you.

I showed Co-worker Eric the bookmarks I had made so far and he said I have weird hobbies and wanted to know just how many books I read at a time.

Co-worker Eric has been amused by me this morning. So far I have sliced my thumb on my scissors while cleaning it (do not clean your scissors by running your thumb down it. It doesn't work. Oh. And Purel hurts when it gets into your cut (because you're using the Purel to clean the scissors because it is pure alcohol and will remove the stickiness from the laminator). Just so you know) and sung different songs because they are stuck in my head.

Here's a sampling...

Islands in the stream. That is what we are. Nowhere inbetween. Blah blah blah. Sail away with me.

Co-worker Eric: Hahahaha. This is gold.

I have also managed to get Sweet City Woman stuck in Keem's head by email (we heard it on Thursday on the way home). She is somewhat annoyed with me. On Saturday, as I was waiting for her to finish purchasing the clothing, I was sitting in a chair and doing a little dance to the song. I was not singing it out loud but apparently she knew what it was because of the dance. Co-worker Eric said it sounds like a dangerous game and he could see us in a gladiator arena with microphones and ukeleles.

Another Co-worker Eric quote.

Co-worker Eric: I blame you for the queue blowing up.
DM: I didn't do it! You did it!
CWE: No. No, I did not. I said "Can you believe it." So I could have been talking about the queue. But the queue didn't know that.
DM: I am so quoting you.

You can never ever say "Hey, there aren't any calls holding" around here. Because if you do, the queue Gods will become angry and smite us with calls. He said "Can you believe it" when there were no calls holding and I said "Don't say it!" because I was in fear of the queue Gods. But then I said "Yeah, this is pretty amazing for a Monday." So it probably is my fault that we're now at 22 calls holding. Not that I care because I am on the help desk until 3 PM today. Hee hee.

Oh. I was talking about my weekend, wasn't I? Beth and I played pool last night. It was fun. I won 3 games by default (she scratched on the 8/9 ball depending on the game that we were playing) and won an actual game by sinking the 9 ball. There may have been a happy dance. And then we went to Fridleykins and drove through the parking lot and convinced ourselves to leave because we didn't want to take the chance of seeing Craig and then we said why are we leaving, this is Beth's Perkins and dammit, it's the best Perkins ever, how dare he drive us away? And then we were happy because he wasn't there.

Guess what. He showed up about a half hour later. He either has a GPS tracking system on her car or there's a curse on his name and when you say it, he shows up. Why no, I've never ever read a Harry Potter book. What do you mean?

Anyway, as you may or may not know, sometimes when I get annoyed, I like to pick up forks and make vague stabbing motions. I did this last night but a quote from a movie ran through my mind.

DM: Why a spoon, cousin?
Beth (laughs because she knows exactly what I am thinking): Because it'll hurt more. I can't believe I got that. I'm not even sure what movie that's from.
DM: Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. Unlike Robin Hood, Men in Tights "Where, unlike other Robin Hoods, I speak with an English accent." I watch too many movies.

Later...

Some odd song has come on the radio. Apparently the music for the evening is Top 40. Now, back in my day, Top 40 was actually fairly decent. But these songs now play on the Oldies Station (which is so depressing) and instead we were stuck with songs that were written by whiny, annoying people who have lost their love (probably because they were whiny and annoying) or people on crack.

Some song comes on that is about feet or losing the love of your life or, quite possibly, a gay man's house (I'm pretty sure that's not the lyric but I have blocked the rest of the song from my mind so I can't look it up).

DM: Who writes this crap? I could do this.
Beth: You should.
DM: Of course, the only song that I've ever written was about "grind you out like a cigarette" and "unlike my cigarettes, you gave me cancer of the soul."
Beth: Okay.
DM: I should give my poems to John and have them set them to music.
Beth: John?
DM: Or Bryan. Bryan would work.
Beth: John?
DM: Your John.*
Beth: Oh! I was trying to figure out what John you know that is musical.

*Her totally awesome employee who calls her and leaves voicemails for her that consist of him playing Stairway to Heaven or Paint it Black and other songs. The man is amazing. I've never actually met him but he's amazing.

Later again...

Craig is leaving.

Craig: Beth, I just wanted to let you know that when you said "Who writes this crap?", that was great.
Beth: I didn't say it.
DM: That was me (I did not add bonehead. I was thinking it but I didn't say it).
Craig: Oh. Well, it was communely funny.
Beth: Uh-huh.
DM: Yeah.
John (Craig's friend who is only easy to deal with because you can talk about boys with him. Anything else and he is a whiny, obnoxious, annoying man who is always complaining about working in a convenience store and the dregs of society that he runs into): I got accused of stealing change.
DM: What? That's stupid. Why would you steal change?
John: Blah, blah, blah, the world is out to get me, blah, blah, I am truly annoying, blah.
DM: Uh-huh. See you.

Beth and I then spent the rest of our time at Perkins bemoaning the fact that Craig and John have taken our wonderful home away from home (well, more Beth's because I don't get out there that often) and seem to have invaded it and why, why, why is he stalking her and his last name is what you do when you're bored (Yawn (it's hopefully spelled differently than that but hey, it is true. You yawn when you're bored and you're usually bored when he is around)) and my God, could he be anymore annoying? And then we stopped talking about him and continued playing Liverpool Rummy which is either the coolest game in the world or the most annoying, depending on if you are stuck with a set of 6 8's and need a run of 6 and a set of 3.

So it was a good weekend. Next weekend Beth and I are going to Wisconsin because they're having an inpromtu family reunion and I am tagging along for the ride (and the steaks and garblic bread). It'll be fun. Hope you had a good weekend as well.

Oh, and I have to add this because of Joe. He posted it and this guy is seriously going to be my next boyfriend. I was laughing so hard watching this. Anyone who would film this video of himself is obviously the perfect guy for me.

This is not my day but it better start being my day real dang soon! - Update

Should I be worried about the following?

• I have an interview in 12 minutes.
• The foundation I decided to put on (in an attempt to mask my constantly red skin with the gigantic zit that decided to pay me a visit today) has sunk into my pores.
• Instead of having flawless coverage, I look like Monet decided to use my skin as the canvas.
• The redness is somewhat covered.
• This is good.
• Except that there are two more tiny pimples. They don't want to stay covered.
• I have seen the evil number 3 times today.
• I'd not worry so much if it was cancelled by 3 viewings or more of my favorite number 777.
• I am worried that I'm going to say something completely stupid like "I am a very focused individual. I am able to multi (looks into corner at hat rack)...I like your hats...multi task and maintain focus."
• You laugh but I've done it! In an interview!

Okay, got to go. Want to be early. Wish me luck!

The interview is for a position in another department here, handling stock owners requests to sell, etc.

The interview went well, at least I think it did. I did babble. Babble apparently is my middle name. Well, Odd is my middle name, we've established that (or at least I have a category that says it so it must be true). I think Babble must be my confirmation name. And Marie is the name Mom gave me so she wouldn't have to become a nun (Yep. She got "the call" and made a deal with God that she would name her daughters after the Virgin Mary if she could get out of it). So I'm Dana Marie Odd Babble Vittum at your service.

The problem is, I'm not so sure I want the position. It isn't what I thought it was at all. You're handling transactions but it deals with balancing and math and making sure things are in BALANCE! This is not so good. Math is not my strong point. There's some dealings with a broker and stuff but mainly balancing and math. What to do? What to do? Do I take the position (if it is offered to me) and fake it? Or do I apply for another job in another department because, let's face it, I need to get off of the damn phones soon! I'm getting so burnt out. I need to do something that would utilize my talents more.

Sigh. Life is interesting, isn't it? And the zits brought friends. Bastards.

We're okay

I heard about the bridge collapse this morning. It's a very frightening thing. I viewed the video of it on WCCO.com, it looks like it took seconds to cause so much havoc. My prayers are with those who are involved and on the wonderful people who risked their lives to come to the rescue. So far, no one I know has been involved, Thank God.

I've been kind of cranky lately...

_____________________________________________
From: DM
Sent: Wednesday, July 25, 2007 9:01 AM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Are you going to be done at 3:30? Because there's no rush if you won't be. I'm willing to be understanding and caring.

Will you remind me to take my Effexor to work tomorrow? I think the only thing that will remind me to take them is the actual reminder for Outlook. I am cranky today and I think you're right; it is probably lack of happy pills.


_____________________________________________
From: Keem
Sent: Wednesday, July 25, 2007 9:16 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Are you going to be done at 3:30? Because there's no rush if you won't be. I'm willing to be understanding and caring.

I will try. Why don't you just take them at night with your other meds? I thought you had them by each other.


_____________________________________________
From: DM
Sent: Wednesday, July 25, 2007 9:24 AM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Are you going to be done at 3:30? Because there's no rush if you won't be. I'm willing to be understanding and caring.

I do. And I look at them and then I don't take them because I am a dork. I don't know why I don't take them.

_____________________________________________
From: Keem
Sent: Wednesday, July 25, 2007 9:50 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Are you going to be done at 3:30? Because there's no rush if you won't be. I'm willing to be understanding and caring.

You can't blame anyone but yourself for not taking them and being irritable. You know that this happens if you don't take them.

_____________________________________________
From: DM
Sent: Wednesday, July 25, 2007 9:50 AM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Are you going to be done at 3:30? Because there's no rush if you won't be. I'm willing to be understanding and caring.

I'm not blaming anyone else. I know this happens.

*Thinks of really sarcastic thing to say. Decides snapping at Keem will not help matters at all. Writes something completely different.*

That's why I said I am a dork.

_____________________________________________
From: Keem
Sent: Wednesday, July 25, 2007 9:51 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Are you going to be done at 3:30? Because there's no rush if you won't be. I'm willing to be understanding and caring.

I know, but it's my duty to lecture you. I took an oath. :)

_____________________________________________
From: DM
Sent: Wednesday, July 25, 2007 9:51 AM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Are you going to be done at 3:30? Because there's no rush if you won't be. I'm willing to be understanding and caring.

You did not! Liar! You're silly.


_____________________________________________
From: Keem
Sent: Wednesday, July 25, 2007 9:52 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Are you going to be done at 3:30? Because there's no rush if you won't be. I'm willing to be understanding and caring.

I did. I took it the day before we moved in together. You weren't there. I had to get all dressed up and go down to the court house and everything. :)


_____________________________________________
From: DM
Sent: Wednesday, July 25, 2007 9:53 AM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Are you going to be done at 3:30? Because there's no rush if you won't be. I'm willing to be understanding and caring.

Really? I wonder why I wasn't invited to witness it.



_____________________________________________
From: Keem
Sent: Wednesday, July 25, 2007 10:04 AM
To: DM
Subject: RE: Are you going to be done at 3:30? Because there's no rush if you won't be. I'm willing to be understanding and caring.

I don't know. You missed the party with cake and everything. I worked long and hard to be able to take that oath... I'm sure I have pictures somewhere...


_____________________________________________
From: DM
Sent: Wednesday, July 25, 2007 10:05 AM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Are you going to be done at 3:30? Because there's no rush if you won't be. I'm willing to be understanding and caring.

Oh, my God. You are so awesome. You have completely ruined the crankiness mood and he has run and hid. Thanks!

*******

It is nice to have a Keem to help with the crankiness. I hope you are all well. I'm trying to get around to sites but I'm so busy at work. And I am taking my pills now.

I am house-sitting

I never really understood that term because, really it is not like you are actually sitting on the house. And you do other things besides sitting. You walk around and you sleep* and you eat stuff and you pet the smushy kitties and the 13 year old puppy and you enjoy the view of the gorgeous backyard (you don't actually go into the gorgeous backyard yet because secretly, Nature kind of scares you a little. But maybe later).

*I don't think it can really be called sleeping because I forgot my CPAP and Keem made me set my alarm because we are going to go and explore stuff in the neighborhood so I couldn't have my radio on all night and then I had to hit the slumber button to get music (can't sleep without it) and so I would wake up every hour when the music would stop and then sleep again for about an hour and so on. Finally I was done with it at 4:30 and I just played Alchemy obsessively. And put the clothes in the dryer. And fed the kitties and let Arthur outside (Arthur is the dog) and gave him his pill. And let Arthur back inside when he felt he had peed on Nature enough.

So anyway, the point to this post was to let you know that I am house-sitting for Keem's friends Bob and Paul (well, technically she's doing it, I'm just along for the ride) while they are out camping (scary Nature lovers) and I created a song about the smushy kitties. That I have decided to share with you. The smushy kitties are named Butch and Sissy, they are brother and sister. Butch is a fraidy cat. Sissy is the brave one. It's kind of funny, when you think about it.

Anyway, without further ado, my smushy kitty song.

Smushy faced kitties!!!!
I love the smushy faced kitties!
They are cute!
Sometimes they cuddle with me!
Smushy faced, smushy faced kitties!!!!*

*The last note of kitties is held for a really long time and is completely off key. Because that's how I roll. Plus it makes Keem laugh and call me a dork.

I hope you enjoyed this morning's Song Styles by Dana. I'll be here all weekend. Enjoy the pork. Do not eat the kitties!

Work, work, work

Well, I didn't get the position. I finally found out yesterday. I was told that the only reason I didn't get it was because I didn't have as much experience as the person they hired. Since we just found out the person who did get the job is the manager of the Lost Securities department, I guess I really can't complain that much.

It's super busy here at work. It's not tax season so if you imagine I am less than thrilled about this, you'd be right about that.

I am very behind on blogging, the reading and writing of...if I haven't been by, sorry. No time.

Right now there's 65 people holding. This is an improvement. That thudding sound you hear? Me pounding my head on my desk. Hope you're all doing well.

The most common "funny" response we get here when we ask "Is there anything else I can help with?" is "How about the winning Lotto numbers?" Anyone know what they might be? I'd like to retire now.

Okay, enough complaining. Have a great day. I might have actual funny stuff to write about soon.

Happy 5th!

No, I am not leaving NABABNA. I interviewed for another position within the company, one that works more directly with the companies that we are agent for. There's research involved & working with other departments. It's the other spectrum of what I do now.

Yesterday Keem and I had off of work so the day was spent lounging around the apartment doing nothing. Well, okay, we did more than nothing. I actually did clean the kitchen (I know! Amazing! But Keem bribed me with computer time) and made supper (corn dogs. Very complicated. Although I was amused by the label. Apparently what we ate last night was a batter covered hot dog on a stick made from pork and turkey. Here I always thought the stick was made out of wood. Silly me). I also watched several episodes of "What Not To Wear" and played with beads (I've been making necklaces and anklets. I haven't worn any yet, of course, because I keep forgetting about them or none of the necklaces match what I want to wear that day. I really want to learn more about this because I would love to try and create a necklace I saw years ago, a replica of a flapper's necklace that was multi-colored beads on a long strand. It was only 20 dollars and I still keep kicking myself for not buying it).

The fireworks started going off around 10:15 and the lovely thing about our apartment is that, because we're on the 27th floor, we can see the fireworks for approximately 7-10 cities. They were quite pretty and I wish I would have been able to get a good picture of them, it would have been a lovely panoramic view. Eddy was seated on his cat tower, staring out the window at the fireworks. It's quite funny to watch his reactions to certain things. For example, he loves the spiders that hang out on our window* (which is completely gross and I wish they would go away) and will paw at them, trying to reach them through the window. He also will watch television with us, sometimes. He'll be on the couch and stare at the television. Mainly just cooking shows but he did enjoy a nature program about dolphins and whales once.

*The spiders are all on all of the floors. The 3rd floor laundry room windows will be covered completely with their webs. It is so disgusting. But the other day, the coolest thing happened. I was on the computer and I caught this fluttering out of the corner of my eye. Here this bird had swooped down and was treading air until he grabbed one of the spiders. It was awesome to watch. I wish he'd come back and get the rest of them.

Hope you all had a good 4th. I should know more about the job either tomorrow or next week. If I get it, great, if not, I'll be okay - I still like what I'm doing now.

Karaoke Rage & everything else that is going on

Okay, so I spent the weekend over at my sister's. She picked me up on Friday and we went & purchased me a very nice interview outfit. It was the first outfit she picked out but I had to try on the other 3 she chose, two which were 3 piece suits. I demonstrate the suit for her & her question is "What do you think?" My words "Football player. In drag." My shoulders were HUGE! Scary. The 3rd outfit was a dress that looked okay but was one of those layered dresses that looks like a two piece but is actually attached together. I had to ask Kari to help me get out of the dress. Obviously Keem is not going to assist me in getting undressed (this is something only a sister will do) so we said no.

The last outfit was an ankle-length skirt, loose and flowy (which I love) and a print blouse that was low cut enough that I didn't feel like I was choking to death and was actually flattering. I did not think "Oh my God, you huge cow" when I looked in the mirror. This is an important requirement for clothing.

We then journeyed to her house where I got to meet Keith, a friend of Eric's that has been staying with them because he needed to go to the VA for tests a month ago. Eric has been putting off driving Keith back to Iowa and so Keith has been staying in the breezeway (my future home if I ever end up having to live with my sister again) and fixing things around the house.

Keith and I started watching "Blood Diamond" a movie I would never think to watch on my own because it has a) Leonardo DiCaprio in it and b) is bloody and awful and people die and I hate that. I didn't finish the movie, choosing instead to play Mah Jong Quest on the computer but Eric told me how it ended, doing the accents for Leonardo and the other main guy while he did (he's not bad, actually, I never would have thought my brother-in-law could do a South African accent but this is apparently one of his talents). Beth, you would like this movie for the reason you did not like the Count of...sorry, the Man in the Iron Mask.

It was a weird weekend, all I'm going to say about it is that I did end up consoling Kari while she cried over a bad fight and I'm worried about the relationship. I also ended up missing karaoke so I could be with Kari during a difficult time. I am hoping that everything rights itself - I love that family together and when they are at their best, they are what I hope for in a marriage. When they're not, though, I am glad I am still single. Enough about that.

****

Oh, I got my hair cut as well. As I was standing in my bathroom this morning, brushing my hair, I had the following conversation with Keem.

DM: Oh my God, I am freakin' adorable.
Keem: Whatever.

Yes, I am quite modest.

****

Beth and I went to karaoke on Thursday. It was an interesting night, as evidenced in my last post. Apparently the lack of Effexor was having an adverse effect on my last nerve, which had been frayed years before. I am not known for my patience but I can usually keep from wanting to kill everyone I encounter. Usually. But this is not one of those nights. It is probably a good idea that I don't like guns and feel the need to carry one around.

First of all, Beth finds a table for us while I get our beverages (Coke no ice for Beth, water lots of ice for me). I join her. We start catching up. Various people come over to chat with us. This is okay. One of them is Stubes, one is Sexy Craig. Suddenly a hoarde of people descends upon our table. They start sitting at our table. Do we know any of them? Not really.

DM: Have you ever wanted to just pretend you are crazy and start trying to get the crazy bugs off of you in order to get people to leave your table?
B (looks around): Tonight.

Later.

DM: Oh, Beth, the crazy bugs are crawling all over me. Get them off. Get them off.
B: That is the worst crazy act I have ever seen.
DM: Yeah. I'm better at faking asthma attacks.

Beth does start talking to an invisible person in the chair next to her. It doesn't phase any of our univited guests.

And then the singing starts. Or, I should say, the really bad singing starts. I do not have a fork. I start clutching my hands together, digging the fingernails into my skin. After the 3rd or 4th horrible song of the evening, Beth did tell me to stop. I'm not sure if it was the fingernails or the weird faces of anger I'm sure I was making that worried her. I do have to remember to take my Effexor. It's a nice buffer between me and those other people who dare to inhabit my world. Unlike Beth and Keem and everyone else I like who are welcome (if you're reading this, you're welcome).

****

It takes a special sort of person to sing "Summer Nights." Unfortunately neither of the people on stage come close to that specialness. Believe me when I say that Beth stared up at the stage and says "I'm going to kill you" that she is completely justified.

Here's an example. At the end of the song, the guy singing ends his song like this. "Oh. Those. Summer. Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhtttttttttttss." He has just sung this like William Shatner meets Wing. Please, please shoot him. Or me. I really don't care.

Have you heard of Wing? She is apparently an Internet singing sensation. On Saturday night, Beth was searching Rhapsody for really bad covers of songs. We found several but none of them prepared us for Wing. She is from Hong Kong & emigrated to New Zealand. She "sings" (and I am using that term loosely) Elvis, ACDC & Abba, songs you love. Until you hear your version. Go here. Listen. There are samples!

Here's an example. "Lushee in the scky wi dimonds (repeated)." Then there was the random high pitched "Ahhhhh" that was a note I've never heard before. The best part was Beth's reaction. Not so much the hysterical laughter but the suspense. Will she fall out of her chair? Will she knock over the computer? Will she make me start snorting with laughter? No, no, yes.

****

Some guy has actually started singing "Funky Comedina (or Cold Medina or whatever the heck it is. I don't care enough to Google it)". He is also wearing a beret. The only man who should sing this song is Ton Loc. He is not here.

****

Our table has been invaded by young people in their early 20's. Somehow they just thought "Hey! Let's just sit at this random table. That'll be cool. And then we'll giggle & squeal & make out with random guys & get very annoying. Yay!"

Let me put it this way. I'm not sure if what is rising in my throat is acid reflux or pure rage. I guess we'll know for sure when I climb the nearest clock tower with either antacid or an AK-47.

****

At the end of the evening, this woman came up and asked if she could use my lighter. It was very loud so I didn't really catch a lot of what she said. I later asked Beth for a translation.

DM (written): I know my hearing is bad but I only understood one out of every 8 words she said.
B (written): She first asked for your lighter. Then she asked why you don't sing because you have a good voice (You good singer) and asked why you don't sing on Thursday. Then she said she sucks it up but you're a good singer.

What's your name (she couldn't get my name. No one can, especially when they are drunk)?

She's the one who sang "Summer Niiiiiiiights."

****

I tell you, sometimes I wonder why I go to karaoke. Then I remember. It's not for the horrible singing or the incredibly drunken people. It's for the catching up with my friends that happens after karaoke. And the blogging material, of course.

A really long post in which I either prove my sanity or convince you all that I'm insane. But hopefully amusing.

Ask the iPod was right! My future love IS in New York.

From “Overheard in New York”

Suit: Do you have any headache medication?
Production assistant pulling random stuff out of pockets: Yeah, sure. Do you have a headache?
Suit: No, but I might later... Oooh! Band-Aids!

How can you not love a man like this? I think I may have found my future husband. He’s planning ahead which means that he is probably logical (and let’s face it, if I am ever going to marry, it should be a logical person) BUT he also appreciates the fun that is Band-Aids and would understand my ability to be distracted by all that is bright and/or shiny (or, you know, plastic with some gauze). This indicates that he would probably be fun enough so I wouldn’t end up killing him, which I’m sure you all realize is the foundation of a successful marriage.

****

Do not panic. I’m okay. Really.

I’ve been forgetting to take my Effexor lately. I don’t know why. I put it in the medicine cabinet. It’s right next to the Seraquel. It’s not invisible. But I don’t remember to take it. I don’t forget the Seraquel, of course, if I don’t take that I can’t sleep for hours and then I have these horrible images that flash through my head (oh, such as faces melting and blood and random torn off limbs and evil witch like creatures that cackle at me (Yes, I’m a ton of fun at parties). You would think I would look and say “Oh. Look. Here is my Effexor. I should probably take it.” But I don’t. You would think that I would realize how important it is because I can tell when I’m starting to mess up my dosage. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m exhausted all the time. I don’t want to do anything except sleep and read and eat (because no, I can’t be one of those people that doesn’t eat when they’re depressed (although I do a pretty good job of not eating when I’m depressed, I am not so good at saying “Hey, Dana. You have just devoured a full portion of food. STOP eating now!”). I know everything will be okay; I just have to get into the habit of taking my pills again. Oh, and my iron pills. Because maybe one of the reasons I’ve been feeling so dizzy and weak lately is because I’m somewhat anemic and I’m supposed to take the damn pills. And I should take vitamins. I have vitamins. Somewhere. It’s kind of like the ginkgo bilboa I bought to help with my memory. I just forgot to take them.

Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I know what the problem is and I know how to solve it. I’m not finding myself staring out windows and wanting to jump which is a good thing, considering I’m on the 27th floor.

****

Okay. Back to the funny portion of my post (aka: where I ramble about signs and commercials and never actually make a point (and quite possibly scare you all)).

Today on the ride in, I was listening to the radio. Part of my lovable charm is my irritation with certain signs or commercials. I’m not sure exactly what it is but there are some things that just set me off. For example, Beth has been witness to my irrational hatred of a business next to her apartment. For some reason, the idea of a graphic arts business named “Let’s Get Graphic!” just irritates the heck out of me. Beth has asked me why. I don’t know what it is. It’s just wrong. That’s all I know (she was telling her Dad about this and his response was “I think she may be the weirdest person you know. Oh, wait, you hung out at that pool hall for awhile”). I know it doesn’t make any sense. I know that the name tells you what they do. But still it makes me so irritated.

DM: Let’s get graphic. I’ll get graphic! I hate your stupid name!
B: Why? Why do you hate them so much?
DM (after struggling to formulate the perfect answer that will reveal all and cause the sky to open and a group of angels sing “Hallelujah” while the world suddenly corrects all of its problems): Because!

Yes. Because. That’s a great reason, isn’t it?

Last Sunday or the Sunday before, John observed me drawing on a piece of paper. When I am bored (or, in this case, not bored but annoyed with both him and Craig because Beth and I have so much fun at karaoke by either scrapbooking (well, drawing layouts, actually) or playing Trivial Pursuit (not easy to do when they are there because they act as if they know everything and can get pretty condescending and not understand that half of the fun of Trivial Pursuit is the incredibly wrong answers. Rat bastards) and can’t think of anything to write (or, in this case, can’t write what I want to write which is something along the lines of “Oh for the love of God, can you please go away? Please? Craig. Under no circumstances is Beth ever going to find you attractive. You repulse her. And you wear too much cologne. And your accent is so very fake and not at all sexy. Desmond from LOST has a sexy Scottish accent. You do not. Also, Desmond doesn’t just have a sexy Scottish accent. He is also tall and pretty to look at. You are not. And John, while you are less annoying than Craig because we can talk about boys with you, you are one of the most cynical people I know. And yes, I can be pretty cynical myself (we discovered that we share the same favorite poster from Despair.com) but damn it, there is only so much I can take of your constant bitching about how the world is out to get you and yet another person called you racist because you wouldn’t sell them beer on Sunday (which, hello, stupid people, against the law!) and whatever your complaint du Jour is)…you know, I’m going to start this sentence over.

When I am bored or can’t think of anything to write, I will find myself doodling. My doodling pretty much consists of drawing a box. I then divide the box into sections and then fill in the sections in an alternating manner. Nothing major. I just like it. It relaxes me and keeps me from stabbing people with forks (not that I’ve ever actually stabbed someone with a fork. I just make vague stabbing motions and then Beth or Keem take the fork away from me). Anyway, John was somewhat fascinated with my need to make sure that there was a proper balance of filled in and blank sections. Apparently this makes me somewhat OCD. Since John doesn’t know me that well, he has no clue that I am quite possibly the most extreme opposite of OCD – I would be, as I mentioned earlier, an example of someone who suffers from bright, shiny object syndrome. In other words, I get distracted easily; I’m somewhat hyper & have the attention span of a gnat.

John: Oh my God. You should marry James and have neurotic babies.

Later, when Beth was driving me home, we had the following conversation (of course, I also don’t remember things well so who knows if this is even close).

DM: I’d think that if James and I had babies, we’d have a chance of having a somewhat normal baby. I’m not neurotic.
B (she may have laughed hysterically at this point): If you and James had babies, you’d end up with a kid who feared all condiments or was obsessed with mustard*, lettuce & would yell at random business signs (there was probably more. I so need to start recording our conversations).
DM: But “Let’s Get Graphic” is so stupid!

*Just because I refuse to live in a mustard free household & think the Mustard Museum in Mount Horeb is quite possibly the coolest place ever & suddenly I’m obsessed? Sheesh (although Beth may not have been the one that said I was obsessed. It might have been me. Who knows? Again, reason why I need to start taping conversations).

There was also the series of commercials perpetrated on society by a local grocery store. Not only did they have these really annoying radio commercials where they did this sort of beatnik jazzy number about all the things you can get at Rainbow (including a freaking headache from their commercials) but they also decided “Hey, let’s take a bunch of different foods and dress them up like little people. That will be fun.” No. No, stupid ad people, this is not fun. It is stupid and wrong. Because not only does it cause me to go into a five minute tirade about the French Bread wearing little berets and then looking very phallic, it also means that you’re going to present us with a carrot wearing a little dress and earrings and a necklace made out of peas. Peas. So not only is Rainbow saying “Hey, it’s really cool to dress up food like people, it’s also okay to cannibalize other vegetables for jewelry.” This would be like me saying “Hey, I really like so-and-so’s face. Maybe I’ll make a necklace out of it.” Which would result in me being arrested, rightfully so. Shouldn’t the carrot lady be arrested?

Okay, anyway, the whole point to this was that I was listening to this commercial on the radio today which consists of some loud, obnoxious guy trying to say the tagline but failing miserably. And the guy who is supposedly the man in the sound booth keeps saying “Oh, just say this in a relaxed tone.” So you hear, over and over and over, “Corona Light. It’s the only light beer that’s also a Corona.”

DM: That is so stupid. Obviously it’s the only light beer that’s a Corona because the name is Corona Light!
Keem: Can you think of a better tagline for Corona Light?
DM: Yes. Beer sucks. Don’t drink it.
Keem: And again I ask, can you think of a better tagline for Corona Light?
DM: Yeah, I’m blogging this.

****

Next to come? A post in which I write about how I, as a non-driver, do not need to worry about being overcome by road rage. However, I apparently suffer from karaoke rage. Or, you know, I should just take my damn pills already.

****

Apparently my blog is rated G. There are no bad words on it. Anywhere. Obviously I'm not as hardcore as I thought.

Mingle² - Online Dating

Shake it up

So yesterday I was approached by Cheryl S. (my boss is Cheryl) who is a manager here at NABABNA Stock Transfer. Apparently there has been some rearranging of the teams and I am no longer going to report to Cheryl, I'm going to report to Cheryl S. (because that's not confusing AT ALL) and she wanted to let me know before the reorganization memo went out.

New Boss Cheryl (NBC): I think this will be great but if you have any problem with this, you should let Sue know (Sue is Cheryl and NBC's manager).
DM: Oh, I know there will be a problem already.
NBC: Oh?
DM: Yes. How can I possibly work with you? You like Mr. Winkle.
NBC: Starts laughing.
DM: I mean, how can I respect someone that likes that thing?

In case you're not aware of the horridness that is Mr. Winkle, it is this small dog like creature that some woman rescued and now spends all of her time dressing him up in costumes and taking his pictures. Like that woman who takes pictures of babies dressed as flowers and fruit. Frightening! NBC loves this dog and has his calendars hanging in her cube. Every time I go to talk to her about something I have to spend some time just shuddering. I don't know what it is but that dog freaks the heck out of me!

I repeated the conversation to Sue this morning. She found it amusing as well. Sigh. I am surrounded by Mr. Winkle groupies.

Just because

I'm feeling better, got a lot of sleep last night due to a huge dose of Seroquel. Only woke up once during the night because of the back pain. Yay! Stupid weather. An occurrence, by the way, is just part of our attendance policy. Too many of them are bad and can lead to public flogging (no, not really, just termination). Unfortunately, I don't know where I am at so I'm trying not to get into trouble with my attendance again.

Anyway, I just came across some things in my combination Blogging/Karaoke notebook from a few weeks ago, when Beth, Keem and I were over at Beth's mom's playing Trivial Pursuit.

One of the questions involved Michael Jackson forming a friendship with the Rabbi who wrote the book "Kosher Sex."

DM: "Kosher Sex?" What? Don't mix your milk and flesh products?

Keem had a question she couldn't figure out the answer to - about a large tenor who went on a diet and gained 25 pounds instead of losing the 25 pounds.

Keem: I know it! It's P! P! Why is only the P coming out? All I can see is P! Tenor - P - weighs a lot! I'm not going to get it on just P!
DM: STOP IT!

The answer, of course, is Luciano Pavarotti. She finally did get the answer, I believe, but I had to rush to the bathroom*.

Several years ago, while watching Last Comic Standing, I learned that it is very important to go to the bathroom before you start watching stand up comedy. Apparently this rule also needs to apply to playing Trivial Pursuit with your friends.

*I emailed her the other day and wrote the following - "I am currently doing the dance to the letter P."

Laurie (Beth's mom) started discussing what she would do if she learned that she had only a short time to live. She had quit smoking awhile ago.

Laurie: I want Camels. I don't need to save money. I'll try crack.

Bulletpoint Dana

• Hi. I'm cranky.
• Why am I cranky? That's a good question.
• I withdrew my name from the QP/Training job. As much as I love Quality, I hate training and know it is not for me. One of the best trainers I know is Keem. And she would be really good at Quality as well. She also applied for a management position.
• She didn't get either job. But she was told to keep applying. Because she has such great skills.
• Yeah. She's told that every time she applies for job. "Oh, Keem, you're so great. But we're giving the job to So and So..."
• She's not overly happy about this, as you can guess. Neither am I because I not thrilled about the person who got the QP/Training position. We both understand why the other person got the management position, she's been doing the job without the title for about 2 years or so.
• I'm also cranky because I have woken up the last two days with incredibly horrible back pain.
• The type of back pain where you start weeping to yourself because it hurts so much. No matter what position you switch to, it still hurts.
• The type of back pain where you get up through the night and try to sleep in a chair, hoping that will work. And take ibuprofen. And then go back to bed because the chair isn't working either.
• When the alarm finally goes off, you glare at it, daring it to make you get up.
• The alarm clock just beeps at you. It doesn't care if you go to work or not.
• Keem does, however. She won't let you get another occurrence. She is a caring Keem. The bitch (joking, just joking).
• The back pain lets up a little at 9:30 last night when the thunderstorm starts.
• Of course! Have you forgotten that your back likes to help you predict the weather by reacting to barometric pressure? Yes, you have.
• So Keem drops you off at work today because she has to go to a client's office and help stock owners there.
• You walk into the office and start having an asthma attack.
• WTF? You haven't had an asthma attack in months. What the hell is going on?
• Oh, wait, you had to use the inhaler a few weeks ago.
• You bring out the inhaler. Puff. Puff. Blech.
• Asthma medicine, just so you know, takes like crap. Or misty crap, I guess.
• Asthma attack has been averted. Yay.
• What has not been averted? Throwing up in my waste basket.
• Not sure where that came from. Blech.
• I am now trying to talk my boss into letting me go home without it being an occurrence. Since all vacation time has been frozen, somehow I don't see that happening.
• Sorry, Beth. I'm not going to karaoke tonight. I know I am lame.

Pictures. And other things.

Last Thursday, Beth, James and I are exchanging cell phone numbers (because, oops, forgot to share. I am a bad friend).

James: Ready?
DM: No. Give me a second. Okay.
James: (612)
DM: Yeah.
James: 867
DM: Uh-huh.
James: 5309.
DM: That is NOT your phone number. Asshole.
James: Dissolves into hysterical laughter.

Am I a bad person because the advertisement for the magazine Positive Thinking in my mail box made me roll my eyes and say "Oh, please"? I have come to the decision that I might be a tad cynical. And it is very hard to explain to Beth and Keem that, while I don't like people, it doesn't mean that I don't like them (Beth's response to "you're not people" was "Oh, great. I'm an alien"). I think it is that I don't like people in groups. Such as the bar. If it was up to me, only select people would be allowed. Scottish Craig is not one of them. I ask you, if you have a sunken chest, why do you try to show it off by wearing tight t-shirts? And who the hell shows up wearing a flak jacket and a tan bandana? Is he Rambo? Is he the Scottish Army (of one)? Is he just an annoying, annoying man who I want to dress up in a deer costume and dump him in the woods on the first day of deer hunting?* Or am I a bitch? It could be both, I guess.

*This is because he has a tattoo that is a deer through a gun sight. I think it would be a fitting punishment. As Beth said "It could be Bambi's Dad. Or Bambi. Thumper couldn't save him." Do not get me started on Disney movies which make me cry. Poor Bambi's Dad. Poor Tod's Mom. Stupid Disney. Nobody's family could actually stay together, could they? No, we have to have everyone die. There's a reason Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie. Her parents don't die, they just go to sleep. And yeah, there's this really scary dragon but Maleficent is my favorite Disney villian so I'm okay with that.

You will be happy to know that Co-Worker Eric asked his girlfriend Crystal to marry him and she said yes. Co-Worker Eric is actually quite bouncy and chirpy (Which may be my way of saying chipper and perky) today and it is quite pleasant to see. See! I can be positive! I'm not always negative.

I decided to apply for another job today at NABABNA. It is working more directly with different stock companies and helping them and the people they refer to us. I think I would enjoy it, there is admin work involved and I love stuff like that. I don't know if I'll get the position but it would certainly solve the problem of Keem and I applying for the same job. Wish me luck.

Anyway, Beth, Keem and I went to the Como Park Conservatory on Friday and then Beth and I went to Minnehaha Falls on Sunday. Here are some of my favorite pictures. And yes, I am a big fan of the saturate button. What's your point?



These are lillies. I like them.



I don't know why I like taking pictures of benches when they are empty. I think it is because they look like they are waiting for someone to come spend time with them. I think one of my favorite scenes in Notting Hill is Hugh Grant reading with a pregnant Julia Roberts lying with her head in his lap on the bench. I think the bench was happy to have them there. Is that weird? That's probably weird.



There were no actual poisonous frogs at the zoo. I was disappointed.



Look. The miniature killer is Japanese.



Flamingo flowers. I like flamingos. They are pink.



This is a completely awesome picture. I love, love, love Zoe and her ability to capture a moment like this (Zoe is my camera's name. I do believe I already said I was weird, right?), where the water is frozen in time.



Flamingos. They are walking. Birds do that. AND! They are pink.



When taking pictures inside, it is important to switch the camera mode from landscape to portrait. Or the picture of your former cat will look somewhat yellowish. Bet you wish you had a cat that plays Trivial Pursuit, don't you?



On our way to Minnehaha Falls, we drove by an owl in the road. Coolness.



I love water. I especially love waterfalls. And lakes. And oceans. And, well, rivers. Um, yeah, I love water. Anyway, this is at Minnehaha Falls.

Things that amuse me

So last night (Thursday, actually. I'm a bit behind), these two girls get up to sing "American Pie" by Don McLean and they get to the chorus and sing "The day the music died" in this horrible screeching "Please, God, make me deaf so I never have to hear this again" sort of way. Joe Funko (Thursday night regular) yells out "Is that today?" Yeah, I lost it.

This post by NancyPearlWannabe (or NPW as we in the know fondly refer to her as). She is full of the funny, that one. And this one (which is traumatic but also hilarious) and also reminds me of the time my friend Becky and I were attacked by a dead deer.

Get Fuzzy today.

Showing John pictures from Como Park and Minnehaha Falls taken this weekend.

DM: This is a fish.
John: Yes. It is a fish.
DM: This is a bench. It is very lonely.
John: Yes. It is a bench (this may have been accompanied with the "are you for real, woman?" look that John occasionally casts in my direction. He's not quite used to me yet).
DM: This is my former cat (Mac who now lives with Beth's mom). He is playing Trivial Pursuit with us.
John: Your former cat? Did you fire him?


I had a list of things that annoyed me but you know, life's too short to be annoyed by other people and their (lack of) fashion sense.

Overheard at work

Man: What? They can't do that.
Woman: I know. It's stupid and wrong.
Man: Well, it's not like they couldn't bring him back.
Woman: Hello? The space ship blew up. He'd be in little itty pieces. But maybe...they did have his head. I guess they could bring him back.
Puzzled 2nd Woman: Dana? What ARE you talking about? I heard was "they have his head. I guess they could bring him back."
Woman: Oh! Star Trek: Next Gen. They killed Data.

I've recently discovered a site that amuses me - Overheard in New York. There's another one, I guess, called Overheard at Work. I'm thinking of submitting this conversation I had with Former Boss Matt the other day.