Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Beer Goggles, Part Two

To summarize our story so far, gentle reader, Beth and Dana are at karaoke. To sing and revel in all things karaoke by drinking refreshing beverages of pop. Beth is wearing a low-cut red t-shirt which apparently is like waving the proverbial red flag to a other words, the drunks are swarming. LR stands for Liverpool Rummy. GR stands for Gin Rummy. The first post is here.

To continue where I left off, we have continued our card game when a stocky and obviously drunk man throws himself onto the chair that Beth has placed her purse on. Fortunately, she manages to rescue it before he crushes it. "What are we playing?" he asks.

"LR," Beth sighs.

"GR?" Drunk Boy asks.

"No, LR."

"Deal me in," Drunk Boy demands. Beth and I exchange a glance. You know the glance, you've probably used it yourself before. It's the one that says "Oh, dear God, where are these people coming from? Why are they bothering us? Why don't I have a gun?" Drunk Boy emphatically slams his beer glass on the table. "Deal me in. We're playing here." Beth very politely tries to reason with Drunk Boy. She explains that we're in the middle of a game but he will hear none of that. Finally Beth and I exchange another glance, the "let's humor him and maybe he will go away."

Beth deals the cards and tells us we'll go for 2 sets of 3, rightly assuming that Drunk Boy doesn't have a clue how to play LR and thinks we are actually playing GR, even though we have explained that we're playing LR. But we're women and what do we know, right? He's a manly man and he's there to prove that he knows ever so much more than us (yes, I'm being sarcastic. What gave it away?). I'm not going to go into detail about how to play LR. The simplest explanation is that it's very similar to Phase 10. And no one knows how to play it, let alone has ever heard of it.

Drunk Boy introduces himself as Jordan. Beth and I introduce ourselves. And now, it's time for the question. That ever important question. Jordan asks Beth if she is single. However, she hears him say "Are you singing?" She replies with "Yes." He then asks me if I am single. Oddly enough, I actually hear him correctly (oddly because I rarely ever hear anything correctly) and say "No." This is when Beth realizes she has made a vital mistake.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked if I was singing. Did you ask if I was single?" Jordan replies in the affirmative. "I'm sorry. No, I'm not single."

"That's too bad," Jordan says. "I wanted to fix one of you up with my friend, Chris." He then gets up and leaves for a minute.

Beth turns to me and says quickly "If anyone asks, Matt is my boyfriend." I nod. I understand. Jordan soon returns and the hilarity continues...hilarious if you enjoy trying to explain the rules to LR to a drunk man and then watching him completely screw up the game, while he subtly flirts with you. Here's an example. After Jordan tells us that he's gone out (because, remember, he's a manly man and knows that we're actually playing GR, even though we think we're playing LR), Beth explains to him that he's wrong. He has several jokers and deuces in his hand and she explains that those are wild cards. A few minutes later, Jordan says to Beth (and I quote because let's face it, I couldn't make this stuff up) "Jokers and deuces are wild, like you, right?" Beth laughs in his face subtly. He doesn't realize it.

In order to reinforce the fiction that Beth and I are not sex-crazed single nymphs, I start a conversation with Beth about whether or not Matt will be joining us for karaoke and how Beth and Matt have been together for 3 years. Beth tells me he is going to try to make it. I then mention how much I miss my boyfriend and try to think desperately of a name. I know! Randall after Stephen King's Randall Flagg because hey, if you're going to invent a boyfriend, why not a powerful one like the devil? Gosh, Randall and I have been together for six months.

Beth runs outside to make a quick phone call to Matt. Apparently her conversation went something like this.

Scott, Matt's boyfriend, answers the phone.

Beth says to him "Please, for the love of God, please will one of you come up here and be my boyfriend? I wore the wrong shirt and all the drunks are hitting on me."

Scott says "I don't know if I can pull that off. Matt! You're going to karaoke." So at least Beth's fake boyfriend will be played by a bald Italian stud...I'm still stuck with the devil and he doesn't seem to be manifesting. Story of my life.

Bryan has shown up and has been informed about Beth and my new romantic status. He is agreeable to the deception. This is yet another thing that is great about Bryan...he's very laid back. Since karaoke is starting, we put the cards away. Jordan wants to know why. Beth explains that we're here for karaoke. There aren't a lot of people here tonight so fortunately, Beth and I will be singing a lot...less time to spend with Jordan.

Shortly after, the friend, Chris, who Beth and I have now lost out on the joy of being set up with, shows up at our table. Oh, joy. Jordan keeps leaving to flirt with three women in the back and Chris makes conversation with Beth and I, even though we are pretty obviously watching the other people singing. He informs us that Jordan and he know all about us now. They talked to the pull tab lady who explained we come here for karaoke and all we do is sing and drink our pop. You would think they would get the hint, right? No. Because, as the following conversations will show you, Jordan and Chris are not brain surgeons. In fact, I'm not sure they have brains.

Conversations with Chris:
Chris (To Beth): How old are you?
Beth: I'm 25.
Chris: You are? (Beth thinks "What? 25's not that old.")

Chris (To Beth, 2nd time): How old are you?
Beth: I'm 25.
Chris: Only? (Beth now thinks "Now I don't look 25?"

Chris (To Beth, 3rd time): How old are you?
Beth: I'm 25.
Chris: Oh, yeah. I'm 27. (A minute passes.) Guess how old I am.
Beth: 27.
Chris: Oh. You're drinking pop so you can remember. (Grabs onto beer glass and starts sloshing it around. Beer starts splashing onto the table.) I'm not drunk or anything. I'm not spilling my beer.

Chris (to me): How old are you?
Me: I'm 37.
Chris: No, you're not.
Me: Yes, I am.
Chris: No. You can't be.
Me: Well, I am.
Chris: You don't look 37.
Me: Thank you.
Chris: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Chris: You can't be.
Me: I am.

Chris (to Beth): Do you have kids?
Beth: No.
Chris (to me): Do you have kids?
Me: No, thankfully.
Chris: Why not? You need to have a kid.
Me (Rises up from the table and bludgeons him to death. Okay, no I didn't. I managed to restrain myself but read this if you want to know why this drives me crazy when random strangers tell me I should have a kid): I don't want one.
Chris: Oh, it's different when you have your own. I have a kid.
Me: That's nice.
Chris: You should have a kid.
Me: No. (Why is it you can never think of the perfect response until the next day. I came up with "Why? Are you offering to impregnate me?" Beth thought I could say "Hey, Beth, can I have the keys to your car? Chris is going to knock me up.")

Conversation with Jordan and Chris while Beth was singing:
Jordan: We're sitting at the table with the hot chicks (Okay, if you look at my profile picture, you can imagine that I'm rarely called a hot chick. I recognize this as a ploy. I'm not stupid. Calling me a hot chick does not make me want to sleep with you. Or encourage Beth to sleep with you. Jackass). She (to Chris, indicating me) likes me better than you. She said you were ugly.
Me: Uh, no, I didn't.
Chris (to Jordan): She did? (to me) You think I'm ugly?
Jordan (to Chris): Yeah, she thinks you're mother-f*ckin' ugly. She told me.
Me: Well, apparently drinking has made you psychic as well.

Conversation with Jordan and Chris while someone else was singing:
Jordan (coming back to the table): I hate fat chicks (I just look at him. What am I going to say? I hate drunks? Why stoop to his level)! Will you go show them (the three women in the back) what a real hot chick looks like? Go flaunt your stuff?
Me: No (because hello, I outweigh each one of these women).
Chris: I can show them what some real boobs look like (He proceeds to smash every ounce of fat and muscle on his chest together to form fake boobs. This is so attractive. Beth and I are consumed with lust).

Sadly, Jordan was soon kicked out of the bar for annoying the three women in the back. Beth and I were distraught. Chris did apologize to me for Jordan but, as I told him, I don't judge people by their friends. He seemed like a nice enough guy, just drunk and traveling with his very own jackass.

That's pretty much it. Beth has decided that she's going to burn the red shirt...or at least, never wear it to a bar again. Matt did make it, about five minutes after Jordan and Chris left. We did have a good time, got to sing a lot and, most importantly, I got good blogging material. And hey, I found out that, apparently, I'm a hot chick. I'm so thrilled.