Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Beer Goggles

On Sunday, Beth and I made our pilgrimage to the House of Bryan (The Chalet in Roseville). Here is our tale of karaoke, cards and random (fictional) boyfriends.

Beth and I arrived at karaoke early tonight. To pass the time until karaoke started (our only reason for stepping foot into a bar), we started playing cards.

A fairly attractive gentleman (okay, I could only see him from behind so I have no real clue how he looked. Apparently, he did have a bit of a gap between his front teeth. All I saw was tall, dark hair, fairly nice rear) approaches Beth. "Hi," he addresses her breasts. "What are you playing?" Now, granted, Beth is very pretty, is wearing a low cut red t-shirt and does (I am speaking only as a straight woman (who sags)) have a nice rack. But still, this is no reason to stare at her chest for the duration of the conversation.

"Liverpool Rummy (LR for the remainder of this post)," Beth says politely, trying to meet his eyes (which is difficult, since they have popped out of his sockets and are now buried in her cleavage).

"Gin Rummy (GR for the remainder, yeah, you understand)?" Cleavage Boy says.

"No, LR." This confuses him. He decides to change the subject.

"My name is Joe."

"I'm Beth." He shakes her hand. Now, there is a rule in bar (and attempted bar) pickups. If you are trying to establish yourself as a kind, sensitive man worthy of a one-night stand, you should acknowledge the dumpy friend of the hot redhead you're hoping to screw. He partially turns to me and I introduce myself, knowing full well he will forget my name in two seconds.

"That's my friend, Doris." He points to a blonde waiting by the bar, establishing that he can't be all that bad because he has a female friend. He then turns to Beth again. "Will you sing a song with me later?"

"Maybe," Beth tells him. "What song?"

"Summer Nights or Picture?" Beth laughs and looks at me because she knows how I feel about Picture (and you can too if you click on this link). "Sure," she says. "I'll think about it."

"Well, you don't have to be scared." Beth is puzzled by this remarks and repeats that she'll think about it again. Joe agrees to come over later, once karaoke has started.

A few minutes later, Doris comes over and pulls up a chair. "Hi. What are you playing?"

"LR," Beth replies.

"Oh." Doris has no clue what this is but she quickly moves to her objective. "My buddy really likes you," she says to Beth. "Would you go out with him?"

I have to hand it to Beth. Instead of laughing hysterically at the thought of dating someone who obviously will never acknowledge her as anything but a nice set of jugs, she instead politely says "Well, I don't know him."

Doris laughs giddily. "This is just like high school, isn't it? I told him it was just like high school." Then she moves in for the kill, that all important question. "Are you seeing anyone?"

"Yes," Beth lies.

"Oh. Okay." Doris retreats to her friend to break the news to him. He is obviously dejected because they leave shortly.

Beth and I return to our card game. But the power of Beth's breasts is strong and so another male breaks from the pack of drunken wildebeests populating the bar.

To be continued, I have to go back to work.