The other day, I had flipped down the visor in the car and was checking my reflection. Keem asked me why I was always looking in the mirror. What? What did she mean? I didn't always look in the mirror, did I?
She reminded me that every morning, when we are leaving for work, I check my reflection in the mirror by the hallway.
I looked at her. "You think I'm vain, don't you?"
She laughs. "Yes. That's it. You are vain. Vain Dana."
Last night, I flipped down the visor again and was applying some of my new lip balm, Burt's Bees Lip Shimmer in the exciting Rhubarb tint. Keem asked me if I was going somewhere. No. I was just applying lip balm.
"But it's tinted."
"So?" I asked.
"You are vain. Vain Dana! Your mirror time is limited to the bathroom only. No mirror time in the car unless you have your own mirror." She flipped up the visor.
I know she was kidding but it has me wondering. Am I vain? I have noticed that lately, when I look in the mirror, it is not for the reasons B.E. (Before Effexor). B.E., when I looked in the mirror, it was because I was disgusted with my appearance and was mainly looking at myself so that I could remind me of how ugly I was.
I didn't put any time into hair care, mainly I would put some mousse in my graying hair and go. So my hair hung limply. Now, with my brand new haircut that I love, with my shiny new hair color, I can look at myself and smile at my appearance. I'm not ugly. I'm not beautiful either but I can honestly say that, hey, I think I'm kind of cute. I may even start experimenting with makeup again. Not for anyone else but for me. Because I want to look good for myself.
I've known people that were vain before, who thought everything was about them and how they looked and how great they thought they were. I don't think that I am one of those people. I'm just excited to look in a mirror and love the person smiling back at me.
And I have to tell you right now, if loving me is wrong, I don't want to be right.
At 1:51 PM, brooksba said...
I don't think you're vain. I think that you're happy. And you should be.
There is NO WAY you're even close to a certain person whom we knew as vain.
I hope you are up to going out tonight. Let me know. Maybe we could plan something awesome!
At 4:37 AM, Weary Hag said...
You ARE cute. You made me realize how rarely I ever look in the mirror anymore, and I probably should. By the way, your last line here? What a killer! It's quite comical yet it packs a wallop. Can I borrow that sometime? ;)
At 2:41 PM, Robert ~ Marlénè said...
Why is it always labeled "vanity" when people look in mirrors? My fascination with mirrors is mostly one of curiosity... what do I look like from this angle? What do I look like when I'm talking on the phone? What do I look like when I'm eating? Is there something on my nose or is my hair doing something that will cause giggles or terror in passersby? Essentially, what do people see when they look at me?
And while this is self-centered curiosity, I don't see anything wrong with studying oneself closely... you are the only person you can stare at for hours on end without getting offended.
Next time someone accuses you of vanity, ask them for whom they keep their living-rooms clean, for whom do they mow their lawns, for whom do they wash their cars? We do these things because they are visible indicators of our personalities, and we want other people to find pleasure in looking at them... and so just as we take satisfaction in looking over our newly-cleaned living-rooms and freshly-mown lawns and shiny-washed cars, we are allowed to take satisfaction in a particularly successful hairstyle or makeup. Just because you need a mirror to look at it doesn't make it vain.
Ramble ramble ramble. I want some Effexor! Can you get that without a prescription? ;-)
At 1:38 PM, At 1:51 PM, brooksba said...
What's going on? I want a new post. Please???
I miss you.
Friday, February 25, 2005
The other day, I had flipped down the visor in the car and was checking my reflection. Keem asked me why I was always looking in the mirror. What? What did she mean? I didn't always look in the mirror, did I?
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
So this morning I had a dream.
I dreamt that I saw this man that had a tattoo on his right arm, right above the wrist. And I grabbed his arm and said "Oh, my God! Your tattoo matches Beth's! You are her soul mate! I have finally found you!"
Then my alarm went off. So I have no idea what happened next. Or why I thought that, just because this guy had the same penguin tattoo as Beth, he was her soul mate.
My brain scares me.
At 12:09 AM, brooksba said...
Okay...Was it a penguin tattoo? Because I don't have a tattoo on my arm. But if it was a penguin tattoo, was he cute? Beth
At 4:49 AM, Weary Hag said...
A penguin tattoo!!! Yikes. Well, I suppose I've seen stranger. How nice of you to refer your dream-stranger to your best friend rather than keep him to yourself. See that? You're even nice in your dreams!Carol
At 8:33 AM, CarpeDM said...
Beth,I know you don't have a tattoo on your arm. But it was the same tattoo that you have on your leg.Carol,Beth likes penguins. If this guy had a penguin tattoo, he's probably the right guy for Beth. Now, if it was a frog? He's all mine.
So saieth thy Queen CarpeDM at 4:06 PM
Monday, February 21, 2005
Never, ever, ever, ever let me talk to men. Please. It's very important.
Well, let me rephrase that. I'm okay talking to men normally but when I'm attracted to one, well, I turn into an idiot. Seriously.
Those of you who have read this blog remember the tales of Bobby, the hot bartender from the Chalet with those glorious hands, right? If not, just click on the above links for how Diet Coke (with a slice of lime) water, and those hands have a bit of an odd effect on me.
I guess you could say that I have a bit of a crush on Bobby. Nothing major. It’s not like I’m writing Bobby + Dana 4Ever on my notebooks or anything like that. I just think he’s hot. I know he has a girlfriend and hey, that’s great. He’s a great guy and he deserves to be happy.
Now, the problem is, of course, that while my brain is fine with all of this and recognizes that Bobby is simply, well, I guess the right word might be eye candy, my body looks at those hands and starts doing weird things.
Case in point – Sunday night at karaoke, I walked up to get a refill. Either water for myself or Coke for Beth. Since I’ve started taking Effexor, I am thirsty all the time and as much as I love my Diet Coke with a slice of lime, it does not quench my thirst. I am drinking a ton of water. As I walk up there, I see that Michael is ordering drinks for himself and his friends, Jim and Angie. It is a shot of Jagermeister in Red Bull, which is quite possibly the most disgusting drink I have ever heard of. But if you’ve ever had a Root Beer Barrel, you get the idea of how it looks.
Bobby lined up the three glasses on the bar. He pours the Red Bull from glass to glass, using his eyes to measure, not spilling a drop. It is, dare I say, quite beautiful. And then, here is the kicker, without turning around, he shoots his hand behind him and tosses the Red Bull can into the trash.
Oh my God. Without looking! It was amazing. Beyond amazing. It was, well, amazing is the only word I can think of right now. Which is bad because usually I have a much better vocabulary. You see? Do you see how he is affecting my mind?
And then, later, after I had digested all that is Bobby’s amazing ability to throw things behind his back WITHOUT LOOKING, I went back up again to get another refill. He was at the other end of the bar but Stephanie was standing up there as well. She picked up the “gun” (the thing that the Coke and Water and everything is attached to) and was trying to figure out how to refresh her drink. As she was puzzling over the gun, Bobby came back over. She asked him which button the Sprite was on and he told her. She then asked him what the “L” button was. He indicated that was for Tonic.
Stephanie: I guess I should mind my own business and not play around with the gun.
DM (sotto voce): I have dreams about the gun.
Bobby gives me a strange look. So apparently, this was not under my breath as I had thought it was. I said this out loud! I admitted that I have dreams about the drink gun! OH MY GOD! What is wrong with me?
I might as well have just said “Hey, Bobby, guess what? One night I had a dream involving you, your extremely masculine hands, lime slices and a stream of Diet Coke being shot from the drink gun. Erotic? No, of course not. I would never have an erotic dream. And no, the Diet Coke wasn’t doing anything sensual…like cascading down my body. That would just be silly.”
I can never go back to The Chalet now. You realize that, don’t you?
Oh, and if you are wondering why the Rev commented with a ? (question mark), that's because I accidently hit publish a few days ago without actually publishing anything.
See? I told you he's affecting my mind! Bobby, not the Rev.
At 9:41 AM, Rev said...
At 12:09 AM, brooksba said...
OMG!I didn't know that you told Steph and Bobby that you have dreams about the gun. That's too classic! Love,Beth
At 4:58 AM, Weary Hag said...
Dana,This is hysterical! As Freudian as your "I dream about the gun" is, I will refrain from analyzing it!! I laughed so hard when you said you hadn't written his name in your notebook or anything!! Those were the days. I found myself writing one of my cats' names next to a crossword puzzle one night. What does this say for me??? Egad.Carol
So saieth thy Queen CarpeDM at 8:44 AM
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Thank God for memes. I'm just saying. Being sick has made me not creative. Stupid cold.
Anyway, this is from frog. And, while number 1 and 3 are the same as hers, what are the chances that anyone else will have done the same. But if they are, I want to hear about it!
1. Made caramel corn from scratch, by hand, in 15-gallon batches.
2. Wrote a play about the planets when I was 10 or 11 and forced the neighbor kids to act it out. I don't remember much about it except that it involved the Greek gods and goddesses the planets are named after.
3. Cried during a movie for the first time while watching ET ( Which started the trend to cry at all movies. Happy ending? I cry. Someone dies? I cry. Were you aware that Troy was a tear-jerker? I cried through the last hour. Same thing with Titanic). I also wave at the whale every time I watch Finding Nemo.
4. Lost my virginity in a laundry room to a man with a blue penis.
5. Call frogs green duckies.
6. Refer to myself as the Queen of the Universe and yet, have not been committed.
7. Met my grandfather for the first time when I was in my twenties.
8. Put a fishhook in my mouth on purpose.
9. Was hugged by LaVyrle Spencer at Waldenbooks.
10. Read both The Rock's and Meat Loaf's autobiographies.
At 3:43 PM, Matt said...
DM-All I can say is this, we would have one more thing in common if you had done #4, #8, AND #10 at the same time. That I have done. I will talk to you later, I had a great time last night, thank you again for the gifts. Later,Matt
At 1:51 PM, brooksba said...
Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhh!Okay, I enjoyed this post and I should have commented before. I know you're sick (are you still sick?). Will you post something NEW and not a MEME soon? I seem to remember a comment when I went two days one time without a post. I'm going to channel you and get a little demanding about this. I want to know what is going on NOW. Please? (Innocent little smile.)Love you!Beth
At 4:03 PM, CarpeDM said...
You should talk. You tease me with your post about changes.Dang you!
At 11:38 AM, Firebear said...
I've done #10!
So saieth thy Queen CarpeDM at 8:57 AM
Saturday, February 19, 2005
Still in a great mood. But very, very sick.
Having a hard time breathing, body hurts from coughing, can't sleep, blah blah blah. I'm sure you've all been there.
I hate being sick.
You know when you're sick and you feel so weak that you've got to take a nap everytime you do something strenuous? Yeah, because watching Angel and Buffy episodes is so taxing...
Anyway, hope you're all doing good. If you wake up with a sore throat, start taking vitamin C immediately. Actually, take it now. It couldn't hurt.
Talk to you later.
At 1:40 PM, brooksba said...
Poor Dana. Don't be sick. I don't like it. You need to get better. I'm going to be controlling. I don't care. I don't like it when DM doesn't feel good. Take lots of vitamin C, take baths that are as hot as you can stand them, and get some of that vapo rub for when you sleep. Put it on your feet. And I want stories! Tell me stories on your site. I'm going through withdrawals. Hee hee.Love you,Beth
At 4:38 PM, Weary Hag said...
Dana,Awwww. I hope you feel much better by tomorrow, but we both know the cold has to run its course. Now, the little old Italian ladies in my old neighborhood would be fixing you a big mug of what they called "Lemonota" ... this is SO good for a sore throat and congestion. You take about half a cup of lemon juice (fresh is best) and boil some water. Combine them into the mug and sweeten to taste, and here's the important part. Drink it as hot as you can take it. I swear to you, it clears up congestion and soothes your throat!Oops. You didn't ask for my two cents now, did ya?Feel better!Carol
So saieth thy Queen CarpeDM at 7:43 AM
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Hello! How are you all today?
May I just tell you how wonderful things are for me right now? May I? Please? Okay, thank you.
Today I took the bus to work because Keem is still sick. I woke up with a sore throat which seems to be the start to what everyone at the office has, including Keem. I have a condition that is just too gross to go into too much detail (let's just say the words bloody hell describe it perfectly well). I had a doctor's appointment that I had to get to today and I ended up getting lost on the way there. And then, once I found my bus, the bus driver told me to get off on the wrong street and I ended up walking an extra city block, huffing and puffing the entire way. The doctor I saw today told me that yes, I probably do have sleep apnea.
And you know what? I don't care. Today was a spectacular day!
Do you know what I did today? While waiting for the bus, I stood in the sunlight and basked in it. It was about 30 degrees this morning but the sunlight felt wonderful on my face.
I smiled at strangers.
I went down an escalator and told myself there was nothing to be afraid of and suddenly, I was on the escalator instead of working up the nerve to get on. Escalators are still not my favorite thing but I can deal with that.
When I went to Subway, I ordered two small tuna round sandwiches without cheese or oil. It was filling. Normally, I'll eat a foot long with extra cheese and heavy oil.
I walked down both the chip aisle and cookie aisle at Wal-Mart and the only thing I bought was a box of Cheez-Its. Which, amazingly enough, has not yet been opened and devoured.
I lost 3 pounds (well, not today, since I was at the doctor's last).
Jeff bought me a box of chocolate for Valentine's Day and I opened it tonight. I had one piece. Just one. That's all I wanted. Okay. I want another piece. But that's only because I wrote about having chocolate. And then read Finslippy's post about how she got chocolate from her husband. It's pretty cute. Check it out. Dang it, why do I keep getting the fruit fillings? Before it was orange and I think this might be raspberry. Blech. Okay, that's getting tossed. Let's try again. Strawberry. Yuck. And again. Ah, chocolate filling. Okay, we're good now. Sweet tooth has been satisfied.
When I was at the doctor's, I had to fill out this questionaire about how I've been feeling this last week. The least was marked 0, the most was marked 3. They all were about depression, feelings of unworthiness, etc. As I was going down the list, I realized that, while I was marking them all as 0, 2 weeks ago they would have all been 2 or 3, including the sometimes I think about killing myself (Before anyone freaks out, it's not so much that I have thought about killing myself recently, it's more than I would imagine my funeral and if anyone would show up).
I know it's only been, what, two weeks since I started the Effexor? But my life has been changed. I am so damn happy right now, it is unbelievable. I could not tell you the last time I felt like this...oh, wait, yeah, I could. The last time I was on Effexor.
God bless you, makers of Effexor.
At 2:56 AM, brooksba said...
DM,I am so happy that you are feeling better. You deserve to feel better. Bask in the feelings and I smile knowing that my friend feels good. Love you. Keep smiling. I will, knowing that you are.Beth
At 3:38 AM, wally said...
DM,I caught your blog through, Weary Hag. Thought I'd stop by and say hello. I got a kick out of your chocolate (sampling) adventure. Have a wonderful day!
At 9:18 AM, annebrev said...
So glad to hear! Yay, Effexor!--anne
At 4:41 AM, Weary Hag said...
Aren't happy pills just the cat's meow? So glad you're feeling more like your true self these days. It really shows in your writing!Keep smiling!Carol
At 3:26 PM, angelia said...
yay you, I am glad that you are feeling better and that I can read your blog now that I have internet. :)
At 10:25 PM, Mom said...
and suddenly, I was on the escalator instead of working up the nerve to get on. Escalators are still not my favorite thing but I can deal with that.Hey, my Dana, didn't you and Kari always make fun of my hesitation to get on an escalator, acting like you both had no fear, and usually you were way down the "stairs" before me?"If you wondered why I took so long to respond to your note re feeling better, is cause I just got back from San Felipe, Baja, MX late last night, and went to work, started another scoring project today. Probably will quit the night job tomorrow, lied abt Mom dying to leave town for a week, wanted to be sure I got any commissions expected possibly would make this past week (callbacks from former week) Otherwise, the supr would just grab them. I just sent you a long email, and it is time for bed. You will be interested in new pet, especially, fool that I am, I suppose. Concerned if you have planned to follow-through with getting the apparatus used for sleep apnea, mucho importante!God bless you, Sweetie!Love, Mom
So saieth thy Queen CarpeDM at 10:21 PM
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
I forgot to mention this. I heard about six or seven years ago that Rob and Lily were having problems. Possibly getting a divorce problems. Which, of course (even though it was very, very wrong for me to do this), filled me with joy. Not that I wanted him back or anything but just, ha! Obviously you weren't right for each other.
About three or four years ago, before we were roommates, Jeff took me to church with him. It was a great service and I really enjoyed listening to the choir. But I think the best possible thing about the day was when I and my incredibly attractive friend Jeff ran into Lily.
I introduced them. She introduced me to the guy she was with, no clue what his name was. We didn't mention Rob. The entire time we were talking, all about two minutes, I could see her looking Jeff up and down. Ogling, almost.
Is it wrong that a part of me is so shallow that I hoped she thought Jeff and I were a couple and that she compared my tall, blond, muscular roommate to her short, stocky husband (or former husband)? Probably. Do I care? Not a bit.
At 11:57 PM, brooksba said...
DM,I think it's fun. Let her be jealous. She's good at it. And she's never going to get anywhere with it. Her problem will be that she will never be truly surrounded with those that love her for who she is. Let her think what she wants, she's only doing it to herself. I would be smiling (cause, honestly, Jeff is worth smiling over). Love you!Beth
At 10:14 AM, Cy said...
No, I think it's very healthy to feel that way. Frankly I would wonder about you if you didn't.Living well (or appearing to) is the best revenge. Let her fester.
At 11:41 AM, Rev said...
Dana I tried to email you but the message bounced back. I sent Beth a message to forward to you. I trust you will receive it.Steve
So saieth thy Queen CarpeDM at 10:56 PM
Monday, February 14, 2005
Since today is Valentine’s Day, what better a day to finish a tale of betrayal and heartbreak? If you have not yet read part one, you may wish to do so. It’ll give you some background information. I’ll wait until you finish reading. That’s the kind of person I am. Patient and caring.
Okay. All caught up? Great. Let’s go delve into my psyche a bit more, shall we?
I left off with the fact that I was happy about being able to spend the snowy day with Rob. I imagined that we would spend time cuddling, followed by possible frolicking in the snow with my cocker spaniel and then drink hot chocolate with mini marshmallows. Oh, yeah, and have some sex as well.
But no, that was not meant to be. Soon after I called work, the phone rang. I was expecting it to be my boss, the jerk, and was dreading answering the phone. I was tempted to ignore it but then gave in. I was wrong. It wasn’t work. It was worse.
“Hello?” I ask politely.
“Let me talk to Rob,” Lily says. “His mother called me. She can’t get her car out so she can go to work.”
Well, hello to you, too, I think. I silently hand the phone to Rob. He answers. A few minutes later, I am watching him get dressed. I caution him about the weather. I tell him I have a bad feeling about him driving under these conditions. Wouldn’t it be a better idea if he just stayed with me?
Now I am not psychic, per se. Meaning that I don’t have visions or channel spirits or anything like that. But I have had dreams that have come true before, I used to be pretty good at reading tarot cards (gave it up for religious reasons) and sometimes I get gut feelings about people that are fairly accurate. Was I having a gut feeling then? Yeah. Was it the result of a psychic twinge? Um, no, I think it was more the result of “Hello! Have you seen what it looks like outside?”
But Rob was a manly man and had to be off to the rescue. Stupid berk (I have been watching Buffy episodes. I love Giles. If I start using a bunch of English phrases, it’s his fault and my good friend The Lioness). I watched from my window as he and the neighbor tried to dig his truck out of the driveway. I watched as he tried to back the truck out into the yet unplowed streets. I watched as his wheels spun once, twice, three times – I breathed a sigh of relief. That truck was going nowhere.
Wrong again, Dana! The fourth try Rob was able to back out and hit the road. And almost a parked car. He was on his way across the frozen tundra. The wanker.
Later that day I get a call from Loren. Rob was in a car accident. Nothing serious, she reassured me. He had hit a patch of ice and skidded into a stop sign. There was a little damage to the truck but nothing major. Oh, and his mother? By the time he got to her place, she had decided it just wasn’t worth going into work.
You remember me mentioning that I had a bad feeling about him driving, right? Well, he mentioned it to Lily. Lily grasped onto this with two desperate hands and did not let go. Since I had predicted his car accident, that meant I was evil.
Yeah. Take a moment to laugh hysterically over this. It gets better. Apparently, since I was so annoyed that he left when I had asked him not to, I cursed him and caused him to get into a car accident. Because apparently, I am a witch. Believe me, if I had that type of power, I wouldn’t waste my time cursing my boyfriend. I would be headed after…well, I don’t know who I would be headed after because I am a nice person and don’t believe in hurting people. Stop laughing, Beth. I have never actually used the fork on anyone. Just made vague stabbing motions.
So Lily, secure in her beliefs that I was Satan Incarnate, decided she needed to protect everyone from me. She bought Rob some sort of stone to wear on a necklace to keep him from my wicked ways. She brought a special oil for Jake and Loren to anoint their door frames and quite possibly themselves with because that would prevent my evil from leaching onto them. And, I don’t know, encouraging them to sin by slaughtering bunnies or something like that.
You would think, that if I was Lucy Fir (thanks, Matt! Great post!), Lily should be watching out for herself instead of everyone else, wouldn’t you?
Sometime after this, Jake, Loren, Rob, Lily and myself went to the bowling alley. I remember watching Jake sitting by Lily, wearing this stupid necklace and just getting totally pissed off. Lily was quite possibly making the sign of the cross at me behind my back, I’m not sure. Finally, I had reached my boiling point. Rob was getting up to bowl and I stood next to him. I stared pointedly at the necklace he was wearing.
“Is that what’s supposed to protect you from me?” I asked. He had the decency to look ashamed and take it off. Lily had been foiled in her plot to start the Maplewood Witch Trials.
Things went okay for us, after that. But Lily was always there. The more Rob and I started to get closer, the worse her and Loser’s relationship would get. Finally, she kicked him out. Then she started calling Rob. “Rob, I need help with this.” “Rob, I need help with that.” “Rob, will you leave Dana’s bed and come over to my sister’s? She needs help with this.” “Oh, Rob, you’re so big and strong. I should have kicked Loser out a long time ago. Maybe we were meant to be together.”
Suddenly, he was spending less and less time with me and more with her. It was getting to be quite painful to watch his adoration of her grow. It was even driving Jake crazy. As much as he liked to make fun of me, it was really annoying him that Rob and Lily were making a fool out of me. He told me this to appear symphathic to my concerns but now, years later, I pretty much figured out that he had the attitude that only he was allowed to make me miserable. He finally told me I had to make a stand and I agreed with him. It was getting very tiring to watch Lily manipulate him like that.
So one day, while over at Jake and Loren’s, coming back from an outing, I pulled him aside.
DM: We need to talk.
Rob: I know.
DM: You need to make a decision, Rob. This isn’t working.
Rob: I know. I can’t choose.
Tears start running from his eyes.
DM: You don’t need to cry about it.
I suddenly was losing all symphathy for him. What the hell was he crying about? He was the one that was having his cake and eating it too. I hate that expression but it really does fit here. He got Lily to do all of the fun stuff with, like shopping and going to auctions and talking and spending time together. And then there was me for sex. Not that the sex wasn’t fun, it was, but dammit, I would have liked to have spent some time with him that was more about us and less about sex.
DM: Call me when you’ve made up your mind.
I was sure he was going to choose me. I was strong and resolute and knew it would happen. And I stood there, watching as he walked away with Lily.
You know what happened, of course. He never called.
I wondered what was wrong with me. Why couldn’t he see how much better I was for him? Why couldn’t he compare me, single and unencumbered, to Lily, married, going through a difficult divorce, with a child. Was I so repulsive that a married woman was preferable to me? I was reeling with self-doubt and insecurity.
Added to this, I hated my job. My boss and his wife had gone to see the Grand Canyon and I actually prayed that she would push him in. I would have testified on her behalf. Then my cat ran away. My sweet Thomas got out one day and never came home. I was devastated. I was turning 29 in a couple weeks and that wasn’t good because of the whole milestone thing. And you add the Rob thing to the mix and I was just waiting for a depression to come kick me while I was down.
This is how depressed I was. My apartment had a gas stove and I would stare at it, thinking about how it would be so much easier if I wasn’t around anymore. I thought about how all my problems would be gone. I wouldn’t have to deal with all of this damn pain.
I knew something had to be done. I couldn’t continue to live like this. I ended up calling the suicide hotline one night. I talked to one of the nicest women ever. It was so great to be able to talk to someone about my problems without being laughed at or being told that they were unimportant.
I told her everything. I completely unburdened my soul to her. And she got it. She understood it all. Even when, after I listed everything, I, with a wail, cried out "And I'm going to be 29!"
"Oh. Oh, that's bad. One year from 30. I've been there," she tells me.
We talked about the fact that I wanted to end it all and I told her I couldn't. Even though I had the opportunity of the stove, there were too many factors. She asked me what they were.
DM: Well, if I do this, there's the chance that my dog will die and that's not fair to him. Or he won't and who will take care of him? Or what if I don't turn off the pilot light and the place blows up? There's people who live on the first floor (I lived in a duplex). And what about my landlord?
Really nice suicide hotline lady: I think you're going to be okay. Most people who want to kill themselves don't think about the consequences their actions will have on others. They're selfish. You're thinking of others.
The depression still was there but at least I knew that I would get better. And I did. It just took a long time. I got my nose pierced for the first time, to try and break it up. I'm not sure what really did do the trick but finally it was gone.
Rob and Lily eventually got married. I haven't seen either of them in years. I did hear from Jake awhile ago that Rob did have a regret. Apparently I'm better in bed than Lily.
Considering that was his only regret, I am way better off without him.
After seeing Hitch last night (it's now Tuesday and I missed my bus so you get the update), I have renewed faith that there is someone out there for me that's going to like me for me, not what I look like or whether I'm good in bed. I thought Rob was that guy. I guess he wasn't. Well, that's what life is about. You learn from your mistakes and go on. I'm going to get going. Literally. My bus is going to be here in a few minutes.
Have a great day. Go see Hitch. It is quite probably the best romantic comedy I have ever seen. Seriously. It may even be better than Love Actually and that had Rowan Atkinson in it. So you know Hitch has to be good.
At 1:37 PM, Matt said...
Thank you thank you thank you for finishing the story. I truly did like that, and he is an idiot for not choosing you. However if he did, do you think that you would have met such wonderful people as Keem, Beth, and I? I am glad that you were able to talk to the hot line lady, I used to work on one of those and they are not always fun, but knowing that you had helped at least one person, was worth all the calls you got. Also thank you for the nod to my post you gave, that was great. I thought that you would appreciate Lucy's name. Hope to hear from you soon, I will talk to you later.He is a fool for not being with you for more than what he was, a big fool. You are such a wonderful person Dana, I am very glad that I have you as one of my friends.Matt
At 1:57 PM, brooksba said...
DM,Thank you for finishing this post. I know it had to be difficult to write it all out, but hopefully a way to release the emotions. Rod was an idiot. I'm glad I don't know him because I would kick him. And give you a fork. I am glad I know you DM. My life is fuller by knowing you. Thank you for all the fun times and being there when I needed you. Love,Beth
At 4:57 PM, Weary Hag said...
DM,I'm so glad you finished your story, but more than that I'm glad you finished with Rob. What a shame you had to go through all that! I'm betting you're a stronger and better person because of it. Thanks for finishing up your story ... good job! WearyHag
At 6:23 PM, Robert ~ Marlénè said...
Wow, what a story! It's so good to hear from other people who have stood up and been true to themselves, even if it means being alone afterward. I frequently find myself doubting that is IS better to be alone, even alone forever, than to sell yourself short and take what's offered the first time around. I just performed a song at my last show called "A Fine Fine Line" from the musical Avenue Q... you can read the lyrics here... that goes along with what you're saying and what I have been doubting lately. Thanks for the affirmation!
So saieth thy Queen CarpeDM at 4:08 PM
Thursday, February 10, 2005
It's not done yet but I haven't posted anything in awhile. I should finish it in the next couple of days.
So lately, I've been thinking about my birthday. I'm going to be 38 next month and that's a little scary. It's only two years from 40. Which, I suppose is not that big a deal, but it's a milestone. And I'm not good with the milestones.
Those of you have been reading my blog for awhile or know me IRL are aware that I suffer from depression. You may also know that I'm back on the Effexor and that the depression is starting to recede. I actually blow-dried my hair this morning. Okay, this may not seem like a big deal but when I'm in the throes of depression, styling my hair is too much to handle and I have a tendency to just not care what I look like.
Anyway, the point is that my depression is what my former psychologist referred to as milestone triggered manic-depression (or bi-polar disorder, whichever you prefer) but I rarely experience the manic stages. Usually they are brief and crazy episodes where I try to break the depression by shocking it out of my system. By getting my nose pierced (twice). Or having sex with a complete stranger (haven't done either of these things in a long, long time. Although sometimes I miss it. That nose stud was really cute (Ha! You thought I was going to say I miss sex, didn't you? Nah. I have Hippo and Frug, they are all the comfort I need (God, I'm so pathetic. I have stuffed animals! Woo-hoo!))).
So today I thought I would tell you the story about when my depression was once at it's absolute worst and what triggered it. And to tell you that story, I have to tell you about Rob.
First of all, I will have to mention Lily. It is because of her that I met Rob. Lily was neighbors with my former friend Jake and his fiance, Loren. She would come over to Jake and Loren's and talk about how she worked with this guy who was really nice and liked her a lot but she was married and had a child. So nothing could ever come of it but friendship. However, she had absolutely no qualms in letting him spend money on her or her daughter.
I met Rob one night when he and Lily returned to pick up her daughter. Jake and Loren had been babysitting Amber while her mother and Rob were out at an auction. I had been headed downstairs when Lily walked in the front door, followed by Rob. He was carrying a bunch of packages. And there he was, my destiny. I didn't recognize him as my destiny at the time. He was short, with curly dark hair and nerd glasses. Bad teeth and bad clothes completed the whole package.
As time went by, Rob started coming over to Jake and Loren's house and joining us in playing cards and board games. We had a lot of fun and I got to know Rob better. Lily would usually join us during this time, along with her daughter Amber and her drunken lush of a husband, Loser (don't remember his name, can't be bothered to make up a fake name). The more I got to know Rob, the more I started to like him. He was extremely nice and, in my universe, personality is valued far more above looks.
But he followed Lily around like a puppy. It was sort of sad, actually. Here I was, single and thinking he was a great guy and there Lily was, 10 years older than him (he was 5 years older than me), with her husband and child, who was not available. And she would complain about him liking her. I did notice, however, that as much as she complained about the fact that he liked her, she never asked him to stop spending money on her. No, she took the gifts he bought her without a qualm.
About a month after I met Rob, Loren, Lily and I were in Loren's car, headed off somewhere. Lily was running off her mouth about Rob again. "Oh, he still likes me. He knows I'm married but he's always there. Like I'm just going to decide all of a sudden that I want to be with him (remember this. It's important) and kick out Loser for him."
Loren says casually "Maybe we should fix Dana and him up."
Lily jumps on the bandwagon. "That's a great idea! They'd be great together!"
Shortly after that, Rob starts to pay just a little more attention to me. It's like he finally woke up and noticed that Lily was married with child and that, hey, there was a single woman who liked him.
So Rob and I started dating. Things were going great between us, we had a lot of fun together and hanging out with Jake and Loren. When Jake would make some funny but mean comment about me, Rob would just laugh at him and pull me closer or kiss me. It got so that Jake didn't bother me anymore because Rob thought I was great and beautiful and funny.
Well, you know how this is going to end, right? Obviously we're not still together. And there was that little clue at the beginning when I said this was the tale of the worst depression I had ever suffered. That's known as foreshadowing.
While Rob and I were discovering each other, Lily and Loser's relationship was falling apart. He was drinking more and more and not working. Lily found that money was getting tight. And suddenly, Rob wasn't taking her out for dinner all the time. Or buying her gifts just because. Or fixing things around her house. Because he was with me. She didn't like it and started looking for ways to come between us.
She found one way on an extremely snowy morning. Rob had spent the night and, when I got up to start getting ready for work, I looked out the window. Close to 10 inches had fallen during the night, making the roads extremely treacherous. The radio announcer suggested that people not go out if they could avoid it. I called my boss (I was working at the small wire company mentioned in this post) and told him I wouldn't be in. There was some grumbling on his part because I lived about ten blocks away from the company and walked to work every day. My reply was "If I'm not willing to walk to work because the roads are that bad, maybe you should seriously consider not coming into work yourself." God, he was such a jerk. I'm glad I don't work there anymore.
After I called in, I crawled back into bed with Rob, excited about being able to spend a snowy day with my boyfriend.
At 2:17 PM, Matt said...
You must finish the story, I do not like it (in the words of my little Ri-Guy "I no not yike it") when you just stop in the middle. I am salivating wanting to know more, please tell me more. I mean it! I do not want to get all weirdly Italian and give you an offer you can't refuse based on the safety and sanctity of your stuffed animals. That would be wrong. There I have said my peace, and now I will go clean my piece so I can get the stuffed animals in the cross-hairs, unless you finish your story.Matt
At 3:25 PM, brooksba said...
DM,Please finish. I'm want to know the whole story, even though I know you've told me it IRL. But it's good to share. Share NOW!!!Beth
At 4:32 PM, Weary Hag said...
You sure know how to dangle your readers over a cliff!! I'm with Matt and Beth on this one ... this is very intrigueing and I can't wait to read the rest. Glad your depression is subsiding too, by the way. Every "good and nice" person I've ever known has suffered from some form of depression. No fair!Great storytelling DM ... Thanks for sharing. WearyHag
At 9:42 AM, annebrev said...
Yes, finish! Even if it is hard to write about... it's cathartic. You really can't just leave us hanging. Of course, you really can, because you did... but you shouldn't. Anyhow... glad to hear your depression is receding... I can relate to what a relief that is. Take good care.
So saieth thy Queen CarpeDM at 8:02 PM
Monday, February 07, 2005
1. Song that sounds like happy feels:
“Walking On Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves.
2. Earliest [music] memory:
Playing with the bells in Kindergarten. There is a story my dad used to tell about how we had been in the grocery store when I was 2 or 3 and I started singing my ABC’s at the top of my lungs. Apparently I was declared adorable and received candy. But I don’t remember that.
3. Last CD you bought:
In person: “Lucky” by Melissa Etheridge (and a few others)
On iTunes: I am resisting iTunes but I may give in now that I’ve finally heard a song by Aimee Mann. Pavlov’s Bell is great.
4. Reminds you of school:
Grade school: The “Itsy-Bitsy Spider”
Junior High/Middle School: “The Hustle” – Learning to do the dance in 8th and 9th grade.
High school: “Stout-Hearted Men” – It was from a melodrama that the Drama Club put on. I was Miss Hatchet. A man-hating school board member who was trying to prove that Melody Trueheart was wanton.
College: “Gilligan’s Island” – One day, Becky and I sat in the cafeteria and sang tons of different songs. We took requests. It was great.
5. Total music files in your PC:
I have no idea. It’s probably about 15-20 CD’s worth.
6. Song for listening to repeatedly when depressed:
Well, since I’m frequently depressed, I would have to say everything I’ve listened to in the last few months/years. I remember crying while listening to the soundtrack from Love Actually. I think it was during Song Bird but I can’t think of who sings it right now. Although I was listening to Comfortably Numb with Beth the other day and realized that this is how I often feel. Sort of detached from the rest of the world and can’t focus on what other people are doing.
7. Song that sound British, but isn't:
I have no idea. James Marsters singing Spike’s song on the musical for Buffy the Vampire Slayer since he’s not actually English or a vampire even though he played one on TV.
8. Song you love, band you hate:
“Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee” – Bob Dylan. It’s from the Bandits soundtrack.
9. A favorite song from the past that took ages to track down:
I’m still trying to figure out a song that I heard on the automated system one day at work. I thought it was Blackbird but I’m not sure. I think there’s a blackbird in it though.
10. Bought the album for one good song:
I haven’t done but my sister did. She bought that album because of the song about people watching people do stuff. The rest of the album is rap. I think it’s by Ever Ready. Matt knows what it is. The album is Whitey Ford sings the blues. I think.
11. Worst song to get stuck in your head:
“Mairzy Doats” I got that stuck in my head for days. I ended up slapping my head and yelling “Get out of my head! Get out!” right when my boss walked around the corner. Apparently that kind of freaked him out a little.
12. Best song to dump a beer on someone's head to, then storm out of the bar?
If I don’t drink, why would I have a beer?
13. Who should do this next?
Keem. She won’t. But she should.
Beth got this from frog who got this from Quodibets.
14. Worst love song to sing to a first date?
“Picture” – Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow. Actually, that’s the worst song to sing ever.
15. Which of these three performers is a guilty pleasure? Celine Dion, Phil Collins, or Michael Bolton (come on, they make money from someone!):
Phil Collins. I used to think he was kind of hot.
16. A band you hate that everyone seems to like:
I don’t know. I really don’t pay attention to what other people like. I prefer to pick my own music. Although there is this stupid song that KS95 is playing that really irritates me but I don’t know what it’s called. It’s just so stupid. But people must like it because it’s still getting play.
At 1:05 PM, brooksba said...
DM,"I haven’t done but my sister did. She bought that album because of the song about people watching people do stuff. The rest of the album is rap. I think it’s by Ever Ready. Matt knows what it is." - It's Everlast. Remember that Matt got it from, "Remember the video where there were people watching people do things?" Hope your day is going awesome. Be good.Beth
At 6:52 PM, Matt said...
The name of the song is "What It's Like" and yes that was the way that I got the song. I do have one question for you however, since when is one man considered to be a band? Say what you will about his singing style, (cats being pulled through metal bending machines, backwards, slowly) but Bob Dylan is one hell of a talented song writer.It's kinda nice to know that it is Bob Dylan that you cannot stand and not Paul Simon, huh?I will talk to you laterMatt
So saieth thy Queen CarpeDM at 11:32 AM
Sunday, February 06, 2005
From: Mymom@guilttrip.com (not a real email address, obviously)
To: Greenduckiesgirl@gmail.com (a real email address)
Subject: WHERE ARE MY CHILDREN - COULD THEY PLEASE CALL THIS WKEND!
Dear all, I want to hear from Kari or Eric to find out how Josh handled his first week in school at 16 months!
I want to hear what Dana found out at the dr last Tuesday.
I would like you kids to call since you have the cell phones with long distance service. So charge them up first, and give me a call.
I think I will be home until 10 a.m., and then after 1:00 p.m. If you miss me, please call again, okay?
Love you all, God bless you!
Love, Mom (Grandma)
From: Greenduckiesgirl@gmail.com (a real email address)
To: Mymom@guilttrip.com (not a real email address, obviously)
Reply: WHERE ARE MY CHILDREN - COULD THEY PLEASE CALL THIS WKEND!
I can't call, I can't afford to add time to my phone. I have 4 dollars to last me until payday. Which is not until the 15th. Fortunately we have already gone grocery shopping so I don't have to worry about food.
Anyway, re the doctor - I am back on Effexor (thank God) and am on my way back to a more healthy life again. Beth and I took a depression test yesterday and I ended up as a 52, she was a 5. I ended up in the moderately depressed to severely depressed column. Apparently I missed severely depressed by 2 points. It's funny, I knew there was a problem but I didn't realize it was that bad. I'm already starting to notice a bit of a change. Yesterday I started an exercise playlist on iTunes and started walking back and forth in my room, kind of marching and dancing with my one pound weights. While Eddy looked at me like I was the biggest nut he had ever seen. It was kind of fun. I only lasted for two songs but that's more exercise than I've had in a long, long time.
And then the oddest thing happened. I started cleaning my room. Without being nagged into it by anyone. I cleaned out a section by my computer, set up my shredder and filled an entire bag with garbage. It was quite scary. I have a long, long way to go but it's a start, right?
Anyway, I'm at Beth's today. We are going to work on my template for my blog and maybe do some scrapbooking. It should be fun. And then we are going to karaoke.
Um, hey, I have 8 Gmail invites. Would you want one? It's email that you can access anywhere and it has a 1 G storage drive on the internet. With the amount of email you receive, you might be interested. It also has a feature where you don't have to sort your emails into categories, you can search for a certain subject or phrase. Let me know (actually, this applies to anyone who might be interested. Drop me an email).
At 7:15 PM, brooksba said...
DM,Thanks for sharing your email correspondence with your mom. I'm glad I know about it.Well, we played with my template. We need to play with yours, but we also need to eat and get ready for KARAOKE!!! It's Sunday. But it's that horrible football game Sunday. =( Am I going to be happy or disappointed tonight? Only time will tell. Are you crying for me yet? You shouldn't. I'm being a dork and stuck in my one-track mind. Should I get an 8-track? Probably wouldn't go so well with the CD-changer, huh? Maybe not.I'm crazy. But then, you know that.I'm glad that you're back on the Effexor. You have more energy and you're smiling and I know that YOU feel better. That's what I care about. I want you to feel good about yourself (which I know is hard, it is for everyone) because no matter what, I care about you. I want the best for you always.
So saieth thy Queen CarpeDM at 1:54 PM
Friday, February 04, 2005
Not having children myself, sometimes I feel like I might be missing out on something. A lot of my favorite blogs are so-called mommy blogs (there was an article in the NY Times that I am still a bit upset about. Apparently the author feels that bloggers are self-absorbed. Jerk), Finslippy, Mimi Smartypants, One Good Thing, Dooce and I think we can include DeAnn now that she's the mommy of Cash (I think I may do a post about the diversity of the blogs that I enjoy).
I've talked about how I know I do not want to have small children and the reaction I get when I say I don't want kids. I'm not maternal and I know it but yeah, every once in awhile I wonder what it would be like to have a baby. I usually come to my senses when I'm at the store and every child I see is screaming like a banshee. But sometimes, when I see Josh and what a great mixture of Kari and Eric he is, I think about how I'm never going to be able to see myself in the face of a child.
Until the other day. I called Kari and was talking to her about something when she said "Oh, Josh just woke up." She walks into his room and says "Do you want to talk to Auntie Dana?" The phone is grasped by the small child in his chubby little hands and I hear this:
I immediately pull the phone away from my ear. Jeff, who is sitting about two feet away from me, looks up. "Can you hear that?" I ask him. He nods.
Kari comes back to the phone. "Is he always like that when he wakes up?" I ask her.
"Yes," I'm told. "He's very dramatic." I can hear in her voice that she is rolling her eyes over this.
"OH! He has inherited something from me!" I have, on occasion, been informed that I am overly dramatic. I'm sure it's quite the exaggeration. I am so sweet and loveable. And the self-proclaimed Queen of the Universe. Dramatic? Hah!
Kari laughs. "I guess so."
Then, on Tuesday, after my doctor's appointment (I have my happy pills! Thank God), we went to Sam's Club. She picked up a book for him and we were talking about how much he loves books. One of his favorite words is book.
I am an avid reader. Here's something else we have in common.
One of his Christmas gifts was a book with sing-along Bible songs and a tiny microphone. He also got a little piano with a microphone. Apparently, Josh likes to take the microphone and sing into it.
Yes! I am forseeing many years of going to Josh's plays and musicals! And we'll be able to go to karaoke together!
I should probably wait until he's 21 to take him to The Chalet, I suppose. 16 months might be a bit early to start him out in karaoke.
Thank God for Josh to help me through those twinges of parenting pondering.
At 2:00 PM, brooksba said...
DM,Too funny. I like that you're going to have things in common with Josh and that you'll get to show him so much wonderful stuff in this world. Beth
At 4:21 AM, Weary Hag said...
Hi Dana, I too read that NY Times article about bloggers and I agree with you ... just because we're not accomplished authors (published) why shouldn't we claim our spot in the world? Does that mean every author is self-consumed? Hardly. And with reference to your comments about the whole parent or non-parent thing, I don't blame anyone in the world for not wanting to raise a child. My daughter came as a surprise to me, and it frightened me half to death! I will always wonder "did I do the right thing by her? ... did I make huge mistakes? ... etc" but on the upside, I feel very lucky that she's becoming her own little person now and has a real positive outlook on life. I admire the fact that people without children often have an uncanny ability to "surrogate" other people's kids and yet still remain true to themselves. Loved your post!WearyHag
At 1:58 PM, Robert ~ Marlénè said...
Nieces and nephews are so cool... all the fun of seeing your bloodline survive without any of the unpleasant responsibilities. Every time I see something of myself in my nephew, I rejoiced; every time I send my niece back home to be difficult to my sister instead of to me, I rejoice. And it's so much easier to be a cool uncle than a cool dad. It's really the best of both worlds.
So saieth thy Queen CarpeDM at 1:06 AM
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
The top picture is on Josh's birthday. That's my sister, Kari, holding the balloons.
The 2nd picture is me! At Halloween with my date, The Frog Prince.
The 3rd picture is Josh and his dad, Eric, on Josh's baptism.
The 4th picture is the banner I made for Josh's baptism.
The 5th picture is Eddy, my cat. He got into the lights. No, I didn't encourage him to play for the opportunity to take pictures. Why would you say that? Why? That's Jeff's foot to the left and Keem's feet in the background.
At 2:05 PM, brooksba said...
DM,Yea for Flickring! It's a lot of fun. Now you'll be posting more pictures, right?Beth
At 5:08 PM, CarpeDM said...
You know it!
At 5:22 PM, The Lioness said...
"It's ever so cool"??? Good God, next you'll be saying "Would you like a cuppa tea"!!! But yes, Flickr's v cool much better than that ghastly Hello! Congrats and you'll see - HumHum would love your cat, she's exactly the same, small wonder she hasn't electrocuted her remaining limbs yet.
So saieth thy Queen CarpeDM at 11:15 PM