Monday, November 07, 2005

Insert title that sums up my complete and total embarrassment and will explain why I am never ever drinking again. Ever.

Yesterday I went to the Minnesota Children's Museum with Kari and Josh (For those of you not in the know, Kari is my sister, Josh is my just-recently-turned-2 nephew). I have one thing to say to all of you with children, especially small children, especially toddler children. That one thing is "How the heck do you do it?" I spent a total of 4 hours with Josh and Kari and by the end of those 4 hours, I was walking as though I was 95, could have seriously used a cane or a walker and, if someone was to run over my feet with one of those road construction things that flatten stuff (don't ask me to tell you what that is called. I have no idea but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about), I probably would have thanked them.

I would post pictures of Kari and Josh (the world's cutest baby, oops, toddler) but Kari is convinced that all of you are just waiting to kidnap him (well, not you, the seven of you who read my blog, you're all fairly trustworthy but there are some weird people out there). I will post a few pictures of Kari because I don't think anyone is planning on kidnapping her and it will be my revenge for her not allowing me to share pictures of the most adorable toddler in the world and she is my sister so I think she is quite gorgeous. And there are some pictures of me. You will get to see how long my hair has become and perhaps can give me some advice on what I should do with it because it is driving me insane and I want to cut it off which would so defeat the purpose of growing it out for the last year.

Okay, where was I after the huge amount of run on sentences? Kari, Josh, museum, pictures, feet hurt, don't kidnap my, got it.

Anyway, did I ever mention that Josh is the most brilliant child in the world as well? He just turned 2 last month and knows his primary colors (and purple and yellow which are not primary colors but Eric's a huge Vikings fan so are we really surprised by this?) and some sign language and lots of words and can count to 3 and knows how to read his name and loves to have you read to him and interacts with the book when you ask him questions about it.

I admit to be slightly biased and will concede that there are other children who are quite adorable as well but that is the whole point to being an aunt and the self-proclaimed Queen of the Universe, I can make sweeping judgements of this nature and no one can get mad at me. Or so I hope. Don't get mad at me, people, I am just a really proud aunt.

After I finally dragged myself back to the car (there are four floors in this museum. And the stairs. Oh, my God, the stairs. We're not talking about little tiny flights of stairs of maybe 5 or six or even 10 steps. Oh, no. We're talking about at least 20 steps from the 1st to the 2nd floor. If not more. And Josh just loves taking the stairs because he's a big boy now. And we walked up and down these four flights of stairs at least 5 or 6 times), Kari dropped me off and I slowly made my way to my apartment and to my bed and slept for several hours because Sunday night is karaoke night and is way, way, fun and I was looking forward to it. I remember having some really weird dreams but not what they were.

Anyway, I'm going to leave you with this for now. I have sent an email to Kari, asking for permission to post certain pictures (carefully edited to remove any identifying Josh features) and it is 10:24 PM and I have to get up early for work. So I will fill you in on the excitement that was karaoke last night at the Chalet tomorrow (which will be Tuesday. In case you aren't sure, or, like me, am secretly hoping that tomorrow is Wednesday because the new episode of Lost is on and then it is only one day away from Thursday which is karaoke).

Hi! I'm back. It is now 12:14 on Tuesday. I want you to realize the sacrifice that I am making for you, people of the Internet. I have the new Nora Roberts book, Blue Smoke, and am about a 1/3 of the way through it and it is really good and I actually would rather read my book instead of blog. This never happens! So that will tell you how good the book is.

Beth called me and we went to karaoke. We got there about 9:20 (more on that later) and decided we were hungry. We had an appetizer feast of mini tacos, egg rolls and a chicken wing sampler. There was some controversy sparked over what was in the mini tacos (some sort of meat substance topped with some sort of cheese substance). This conversation was started when Bryan was offered a mini taco and mentioned that they scared him a little but normally he would like to eat the mini tacos because that would make him feel like a giant. This just completely amused Beth and I and reinforced our belief that Bryan is one of the coolest people ever.

I am not sure how this was brought up but we were asked what time we get there for karaoke. Beth said it was usually about 9:20 and that Bryan normally arrived at 9:30. So someone (Nate?) said "So you get here at 10 minutes to Bryan?" We decided that would be our new way to tell time.

Angie, Amy, Sarah, Nate and Becky were all there. Angie pulled out her "Angie's Man Check List" and was showing it to us. We were laughing about it until she told us that she made the list and two days later met Steve. Steve meets 19 out of 20 of Angie's requirements. The only thing that he doesn't meet is that he's really not that into hockey. When she told us that, Beth and I immediately pulled out our notebooks and started coming up with our own lists. You can see Beth's check list and why she is never drinking again here.

Bryan, ever the jokester, told us that he had the perfect woman check list. His ideal woman would be tall, have long lustrous hair and have large hands. Because Liz is short, has short hair and, according to Bryan, has hands shaped similar to a raccoon and are only good for knocking over a garbage can.

I'm sorry, guys, it's been very busy here today and I am not feeling good. I am going to go home and sleep for as long as possible. Maybe I'll be able to finish this tomorrow. It's beginning to feel a lot like tax time and I'm way behind on my blogging and blog reading. I hope to get caught up tomorrow.

Okay, it's now Wednesday. And I'm back. Still don't feel good. It is still busy here. But I finished the Nora Roberts book last night and am sad that it is over. But at least I will not feel guilty for not reading blogs.

Beth decided we should have some of these really yummy drinks that we like. We don't know what to call them. The shot is called a pineapple upside down cake but we don't have it in a shot glass. It is pineapple juice, vanilla Stoli and grenadine. And cherries. Bobby is great, he has no problem when we raid the garnish tray.

We only had 3 of these drinks but they were much stronger than the last time (and Beth is right, it does help if you stir them first so you're not drinking straight vodka) and, well, they went straight to my head. This is not good. You see, I already am not a very inhibited person. You know this. And alcohol, well, it removes inhibitions. This isn't good.

Beth said that the boy, Pete and Guru showed up, along with two other men. One I started referring to (in my head) as Mullet Man. Why do men think this is a good look for them? It's not. The only man who looks good with a mullet is Kurt Russell. The other guy seemed somewhat normal. I am now referring to him as Eel because I couldn't come up with a good fake name. They all end up sitting at our table. The boy is next to me, across from Beth.

Guru is always drunk each time we see him. It's really annoying. For an amusing story of the last time we saw him, click here. Eel and he start wrestling and Guru is getting closer and closer to Beth. She is not thrilled about this and mentions to the boy that she is worried that she's going to get hurt.

The boy, coming to the rescue, asks Guru to move over so he's not so close to Beth. Guru doesn't like this and slurs at both Beth and I.

G: What did, well, what did I do?
DM: Other than breathing?

Guru looks upset over my harsh words (and all I can say to this is "Dude. You annoy me. Shut up.") and turns away. If I am remembering correctly, Beth gives me a high five for my oh so subtle insult. Or maybe it was "bumps." Don't remember now.

Liz comes in and sits next to me.

L: Hello.
DM: Hi! I made a man check list.

Liz starts inching away.

L: Beth, can I sit next to her? She's weird.
B: We both made a list. Here.
L: Oh! A check list for the type of man you want. Not the men you want to do.

Beth gives her list to Liz. Guru wants to read it.

G: What's that?
B: That's for Liz to read.
G: But what is it?
B: It's for her to read. Not you.

Liz is laughing over Beth's list and stats making some suggestions. I hand her mine.

L: Did you two write these together?
DM: You mean about the no Republicans?
L: Yeah.

Beth explains how we started writing them at the same time so we would exchange ideas. My list is not exactly like Beth's but there are somethings that we are both adamant on.

Dana's Man Check List

1. Must be funny.
2. Must like to read.
3. Intelligent but not snobby.
4. No drugs and no alcoholics (smoking does not count as a drug).
5. Not married (I'm older than Beth (read desperate) so I don't care if they've been married before (or have children (although I might care if they have custody of said children))).
6. Must like karaoke (doesn't have to sing).
7. Must like my friends and they like him.
8. Likes cats and dogs (but cats more).
9. Not a Republican.
10. Accepts the fact that I am a complete & total dork.
11. Not a total jackass.
12. Really likes to clean and accepts that I am domestically challenged.
13. Doesn't make fun of those who are mentally or physically handicapped and thinks that this makes him cool.
14. Not a psycho.
15. Doesn't live with his parents.
16. Has a job.
17. Know what catharsis means.
18. Would be someone I would like being married to if he teaches me to drive.
19. Likes movies, not sports.
20. Doesn't kiss like a Saint Bernard.

I will probably add to this list as time goes on. I would put no mullets on there but I really believe that a good healthy relationship is not about looks and if I meet someone who loves me despite the flab, I should be able to overlook the unfortunate hair.

Anyway, I know you've all been avidly waiting to hear why I am never drinking again.

Towards the end of the evening, James and Dean arrived (Dean would prefer that we not say James and Dean together like that but Dean and James just sounds silly) and joined us. Dean sat next to Beth, protecting her from Guru.

I'm not exactly sure what was said but Dean said something about how Beth was using him. I almost, but not quite, said "Well, I can think of other uses for you." I did not say this. I did manage to stop myself in time.

Drinking is not a good thing. I'm not sure why this happens but the more I drink, the more I lament my unfortunate celibacy. An example of this would be when Nate was singing "Bed of Roses" by Bon Jovi. There is a line in there about how the singer is lying on a bed of nails. I look at Beth and say "How about I just want to be nailed on a bed?" I know. I can't believe I said it either.

I had this desire to put my hair up in a pony tail on top of my head. This is an odd look, yes, but it does get the hair out of my eyes. Neither Beth or Keem seem to approve of this so a good sign that Beth is drunk is when she says "Sure. Go for it" when told I want to do this.

I then decided to take a small wreath of jingle bells and thread my pony tail through it. My wreath starts falling apart and Dean picks them up.

D: You could wear these as earrings.
DM: No, I couldn't. I'm allergic to most metal except for stainless steel.
D: So get them out of stainless steel.
DM: That would mean taking these earrings out (picture of said earrings is here).
D: Is that a problem?
DM: Do you have any idea how hard these are to put back in? When I had my mammogram, I had to remove the nipple rings and didn't even bother to put them back.

James has been listening to the conversation. This catches his attention.

J: Wait. You had your nipples pierced?
DM: Yes.

I wait patiently while both he and Dean cringe.

D: Guys have a hard time dealing with that idea.
DM: Well, remind me not to tell you where my other piercing is.
J: Where? Your nether regions (no, that's not what he said. It is a four letter word that starts with c, ends with t & rhymes with kit)?
DM: Yes.
J: Do you like it?
DM: I don't know. I haven't had sex since I got it done and that was 7 years ago.
J: You haven't had sex in 7 years?
DM: No. Oh my God. I am never drinking again.
D: Why not?
J: Because she wouldn't be telling us this if she hadn't been drinking.
DM: Exactly.

And yes, Gil was there. And yes, he did hear this. And yes, I wish that it makes him shove me up against a wall someday and ravish me. And no, I see no signs of that ever happening.

As Liz said, when I told her later about saying this, I need to either stop drinking or drink enough so that I don't say stuff like this anymore.

Okay, that's it. There will be pictures in the next day or two. I have permission to post some pictures.

Don't let me drink, people. Alcohol is bad.