Monday, October 31, 2005

Halloween Karaoke - 2005

Today is Halloween. I have mentioned before that this is my 2nd favorite holiday of the year. I will use any excuse to make a spectacle of myself so Halloween is a great day for me to embrace my inner dork. So I used this as an excuse to dress up for karaoke last night. Since last year's appearance as the Queen of the Universe went over well at karaoke, I decided to repeat the costume.

After an exhausting day of scrapbooking on Saturday with Keem at our friend Julie's house (where I was exposed to not one but two babies and was tempted to run through the streets begging for someone to impregnate me, the cuteness was so much more than I could bear) in Wisconsin, I spent Sunday doing absolutely nothing. I woke up, played online for a little bit, went back to bed, woke up again, played online a little bit, went back to bed to nap so I was prepared for the evening ahead of me. At approximately 6:30, I swear I heard Keem call my name using her authoritative voice. I jumped out of bed and walked to her room and asked her why she called me. Apparently, she did not call me. I had been dreaming. However, since I was up, this was the perfect time to dye my hair (the roots were driving me insane).

While I was waiting for the hair dye to set, I decided to put my plastic shower cap on. I was standing in front of the mirror, admiring the shower cap (which was only purchased because it has frogs on it) and had a thought. How about wearing my Queen of the Universe outfit but pair it up with the shower cap and my frog slippers? I could be the Queen of the Universe on her day off! At that time, I would have been thrilled to have some of those pink velcro curlers but do not own any.

Beth called and let me know she was on her way. She also told me she forgot to dress up. I had a moment's hesitation. There was a chance that I may be the only person dressed up for the holiday. Did I want to take that chance? Well, of course, I did. Surely someone would be filled with the Halloween spirit.

We were on our way to the Chalet when something weird happened. We had pulled up to our exit onto Rice Street off of 36. There was a red light. No big deal, right? Yeah. You would think that, wouldn't you? But then you wouldn't be sitting at the light for 9 minutes. The light on Rice Street stayed green the entire time. The only concession to the fact that the light might change was the flashing of the don't walk sign. But don't get too excited by that. Because it turns to don't walk for all of 30 seconds and then turns back to walk. Can you say really, really annoying? I knew you could!

Finally Beth made a decision that will probably haunt her for the rest of her life. She ran the red light. So we decided her costume was that she's a criminal (she looked very cute in her black jacket, flared jeans, salmon pink overshirt and light pink t-shirt but still - she's a law BREAKER! Bad Beth (I would have probably run it about 5 minutes before she did so I really shouldn't talk)), possibly on her way to a disco.

We arrived at karaoke and walked in and, yes, you guessed it, not a soul was dressed up. So I did garner a few glances. I did get asked by several people what I was supposed to be and one woman said that she might have to steal the idea. I was accompanied by Frug (large frog wearing a Santa hat and scarf. He was my date, the Frog Prince, dressed as Santa).

I asked Beth to call Angie and ask her to at least wear a angel halo or something so I wouldn't feel like a complete idiot. Unfortunately, they had both just pulled up into the parking lot. Angie did call Steve and ask him to bring his boas up with him so she could wear them (she's such a nice girl (Steve was Hulk Hogan for Halloween)).

Bryan walked in, looked at me in puzzlement and then said "Oh. Yeah, it's Halloween. Okay."

Nate and Becky came up as well. They had just returned from a trip to Texas. It was nice to see them again. Nate lives in Wisconsin and we don't get to see him that often.

Okay, now for pictures. Now you'll finally be able to put faces with names! Isn't that exciting?

Here I am, singing "Change The World." It is my warm up song. Notice the shower cap? You can't tell but the frogs are wearing crowns and big lips. There are also lips and the words "Kiss Me" printed on the cap. Did anyone take the freakin' hint? No. Well, Nate did kiss me on the cheek but he doesn't count.


Here is Beth. I believe she is singing "She Drives Me Crazy" but she sings it as "He Drives Me Crazy." Because that is more fun.


This is Nate and his girlfriend Becky. He is planning on proposing to her soon. I would say it was a secret but she's pretty much figured it out because we keep staring at her ring finger every time we see her. I have no idea what they are laughing about but it's probably Nate being silly again.


Nate is, something? I think it might be "3 Days" but I'm not sure. I'm not even sure if that's even the name of the song.


This is Amy. She just had her hair done and it is fantastic. She has one of the most clear and pure voices that I have ever heard. She did not sing last night or stay for very long. This made us sad.

DM: I am the Queen of the Universe. I command you to sing.
Amy: It's your day off. You can't command me.
DM: Damn it!
B: Good one, Amy.

There was a weird guy sitting behind Amy and I that asked Amy to introduce him to Nate. Amy turned to him and said "Well, I would, if I knew who you were." She is so very clever and I adore her.


Here is another picture of Becky. Nate and Becky went to see some guy named Pat Green perform in Texas, the reason for the whole trip. While I was taking this picture, Nate leaned over.

N: She's very pretty, isn't she?
DM: Yes. She's gorgeous.
N: You should see her naked.
DM: Uh, no. That's okay.


Here is Angie. She also has a spectacular voice. She just recently became a karaoke host as well. She also works as a technician in a vet's office so Johnny, when you do come to America, you'll have lots to talk about with her. She keeps using weird vet terms when we do the game (there are starting to be a lot of games at karaoke but this one is where Bryan thinks of a random word and we list random words. The person who is closest to his word gets to sing first. Angie's word this week was prepuce. Apparently that was closest to parachute pants. Because they're both scary, according to Bryan.


I was trying to get a picture of her facing me. It didn't work.


This is Steve. He is a really good friend of Amy's and she had the brainstorm about two months ago to introduce him to Angie. They hit it off really well and are so cute together. Steve is the one that gave me my nickname "Hurricane Dana" and said last night that he was so proud of himself for that nickname because it has stuck.


Here Frug and I are dancing together. Beth, do you remember what song it was? He is a very good date. Doesn't cause a lot of trouble, doesn't get mad when other men hit on me (HAHAHAHA) and is a very good dancer. Frug is stroking my hair.

Behind us is the creepy guy that Amy brushed off. He walked behind me and rubbed my shoulders/back and kind of freaked me out. He did that to all of the women at the table. Dude. Don't touch me. Don't touch my friends. Don't even breathe in our direction, okay?


Beth is singing "All That Jazz." Angie said she had to wear the boas for this song. Apparently the boas are itchy.


We started picking out songs for each other, the prelude to Suicide Karaoke. I'm not sure who decided that Nate should sing "Strokin'" but he gave it his all. He started changing the words and Becky almost crawled under the table from embarrassment as Nate began exposing more and more details of their love life. It was hilarious.




We soon started letting Bryan pick out our songs for us. This was a little interesting. He would flip to a page and then choose a song. It was actually a lot of fun.

This picture is from me singing "Superstar". I had asked Gil last week what songs I should sing and he suggested "Rainy Days and Mondays" or "Superstar" from The Carpenters. I was somewhat familiar with the first song but not the second (or so I thought) but didn't have time to sing the song. Not that I'm obsessive or anything but I did download both songs and have spent some time singing along with iTunes.

When I walked up onto the stage and "Superstar" came up, I was, naturally, somewhat stunned. How did Bryan choose this one song out of all of the songs in the book? It was not until after I sang the song that Beth told me she had asked Bryan to put in The Carpenters for me but not which song. Fortunately, although Gil was there, he was up at the bar at the time and not at our table. If he had been, I may have had some problems singing the song, especially the chorus, which pretty much has a lot of baby, baby, babies and I love you's in them. Not going to sing that while looking at him, thanks. That would be bad.


Dean was there! He is clapping for me.


Dean ended up having to sing "It's Raining Men" because he had quit the first song that Bryan choose for him. He was quite the good sport about it.




Bryan was sort of singing along with Dean. Or mocking him. Not sure which exactly.


It was a great night. Liz and James were there as well, sorry, no pictures. Since they weren't singing, I forgot to take pictures of them. Maybe another night.

Suicide Karaoke is much fun, if a little scary. Our rotation consisted of 4 people for the majority of the night.

The highlight of the evening (and the most confusing part because, hello, what the hell do you mean by this?) is when Gil said, as he was leaving, "Great costume. Sorry I didn't get to see you glow in the dark." ARGH! What does that mean? Probably nothing.

Beth and I had a fairly uneventful ride home, except for the idiot that was on the wrong side of the road and was headed head on for us (fortunately he turned). Perhaps he thought he was in London instead of Saint Paul? There were no possessed traffic lights, just laughter and music as we talked about the night.

My Mom should be up here in a few weeks. Looking forward to dragging her up to karaoke and taking pictures of that.

Hope you all had a spooktacular Halloween!

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Dana loves

Yeah, so I found this on Teri's blog and since I did the "Dana needs" meme, it's now time to find out what Dana loves.

Dana loves Nicholas Sparks' novels (Actually, she has never read one. Sorry).
Dana loves Pepsi, even has it for breakfast (No, she doesn't. She has Mountain Dew and only on days she is very tired. Otherwise she drinks water).
Dana loves flowers. She likes daisies, tulips, and daffodils (Yes! She does. Good call).
Dana loves the swings and the slides. She loves speed (This is also true).
Remember Dana loves you (Yes, she does).
Dana Loves Ariel and Ariel Loves Dana (Who's Ariel?)
Dana loves being with Grandpa and you (Grandpa's dead).
Dana loves life (Yes, she does. Life is good. Thank you, Effexor, for making that true).
Dana Loves to Go Down and Suck Good Cock (Okay. Dana doesn't remember if she likes this)!
Dana loves all kinds of music (very true).
Dana loves to teach Italian/Mediterranean cuisine (Dana doesn't cook).
Dana loves to show off her incredible body (HAHAHAHAHA).
Dana Loves Ryan (Dana thinks Ryan is hot. She does not love him).
Dana loves children immensely and children gravitate to her (Noooooooooooo)!
Dana LOVES her job (Dana likes her job but would give it all up if the right millionaire came around and proposed)!
Dana loves blood imagery, she loves sexual imagery and, man, does she love the underbelly of the world (Dana's a little scared now).
Dana loves to get into the office early on Mondays (Are you on crack?).
Dana loves exercise (And again, I ask, are you on crack?).
Dana loves bareback sex (Yeah, because she has so much of it).
Dana loves everyone except the UPS driver (I don't know what I have against the UPS driver but okay).
Dana loves to ride an antique tricycle to get around the city (That sounds like fun).
Dana loves her new stuffed toy (Dana is remaining faithful to Hippo, thanks very much).
Dana loves cookies (Mmm, cookies).

Friday, October 28, 2005

So my memory? Not the greatest. Beth picked me up last night for karaoke and I had mentioned the post about going to Manny's (that no one commented on except for myself (it looked lonely)) and she said "Yeah, I read it. You're not really good at quoting me. Or yourself." And I said "Really? Did I quote you wrong?" And she said "Yes, considering I'm the one that pointed out the supermarket." And I'm pretty sure I said "Oops." But I don't remember. You could ask Beth. She remembers these things much better than me.

We went to a new restaurant last night (new to us) called Potbelly. The name of the place struck us a little odd. Beth thought it was indicating that they made people fat, I thought it was referring to potbelly pigs. Turns out that it is named for potbelly stoves. Which strikes me as odd but probably not as odd as a restaurant that is saying "hey, come eat some food and get fat like a pig."

Beth should be posting a conversation with her mother that she had while we were at the restaurant. I will not say much about it other than, at one point, listening to Beth's side of the conversation, I ended up covering my mouth with a napkin and trying very hard not to laugh hysterically. There may have been tears of laughter.

We avoided the evil temptations of Barnes & Noble and Michael's (books and scrapbooking supplies. We are very strong women) and headed off to karaoke. We got there fairly early and it was remarked on by both Jamie (bartender) and Bryan (karaoke host (like I don't talk about him all the time)). Beth had 5 days off this week so we thought it would be fun to go up early.

Karaoke got started (yay!) and we were amused to see a semi-regular singer come in. This is the man that I mentioned back when I wrote about Quagna and how my true love was from South Africa and may or may not be gay. He is quite a character and I want so much to give you his nickname but I am worried that someday he might Google it and find my blog and then I would feel evil and that would just be wrong.

I called Steve, Beth's team lead and told him that he should come up because a) this guy (let's call him Walking Wally) is hilarious when he sings (imagine a short, rotund man, balding, with suspenders on stage and bouncing around with the actions to the songs. Imagine that said man is using a microphone stand and starts singing Pinball Wizard. Imagine he acts that he is playing a pinball machine. It is so very funny) and b) Beth really wanted to know what was happening at work because she is very odd and dedicated to her job and quite possibly the best manager ever (not that I'm biased or anything) but she didn't want to call him and ask him about work (when we were in Portugal, she kept hoping that Andy (her former boss) would email her about the team).

Unfortunately, Walking Wally only sang one song and left. We felt horrible about getting Steve there under somewhat false circumstances but it was still nice to see him and he and Beth had a good talk and caught up on everything. She will not see him again until November.

At one point, after Steve had left (or maybe before, I'm not so good with the memory thing), I have a burning question that I must ask Beth.

DM: What should I sing next?
B: Chicken (said loudly and in a somewhat comical voice)!
DM: I don't know that song.
B: You could just sing 'Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!' And then they would put you in the looney bin.

Great. One of my best friends ever wants me to be committed.

Bryan was doing something with the microphone stand when he called Joe Funko up to sing. It moved when he wasn't expecting it and he sort of leaned/jumped back from the mic.

Bryan: I'm like a mime.
B: That talks.
Bryan: Yeah (He then starts doing the classic "mime caught in a box" routine). This is the biggest box I have ever seen.

When we started getting towards the end of the night, Bryan decided we would play a new game. It would be like Match Game (I am assuming this was a game show of some sort) and the person singing would choose 3 celebrities (that would be us from the audience) to give them a song to sing. Then the singer would choose which of those songs they were going to sing.

Shawn decided to sing "Beth", much to Beth's dismay. She is not overly fond of this song (double our reaction to "Picture" and you've got a good idea of her dislike)

I have been trying to get Bryan to sing "Candy Man" for, well, ever since the last time he sang it. He does an imitation of Sammy Davis Jr that is just hilarious and I love it. So every time someone asked me what they should sing I would yell out "Candy Man!" After I did this twice, Bryan said "Don't ask Dana. You know what she is going to say."

Mr. Dimsdale (I have no idea what his first name is. Bryan refers to him this way and to Mr. Dimsdale's wife as Bopocito. I suppose that isn't so odd, considering that I now go by Hurricane Dana) was called up and the game was explained to him.

Mr. D: How about that lovely lady there (points at me).
Bryan: Don't ask Dana! She's going to say 'Candy Man!'
DM: 'Candy Man!'

Mr. Dimsdale asks two other people and decides that "Candy Man" is the lesser of the 3 evils. He does a pretty good job of it. Not like Bryan's version but still, it made me happy. And that is what is important, right?

Later on, when Bopocito was called up, she asked me what she should sing. I drew a complete blank.

Bryan: Ha! Don't know what to say now that someone sang 'Candy Man,' do you?

I ended up suggesting "Purple Rain."

The closer we got to closing time, the less time we had to sing. Instead of just having one or two people sing full songs, Bryan decided to continue with the game and limit us to one minute. This is how I ended up singing "Saturday In the Park" and Beth ended up singing "Playing With the Queen of Hearts." This game is a lot of fun and really exposes us to a lot of different songs, especially songs we probably would not have tried before.

Liz came over and we had a good time talking to her. As if it would be possible to not have a good time. She has never been to Manny's and Beth and I decided that when she and Bryan get married, we will take them there.

In other news, I am going to try making some changes to my blog. I found a couple of websites that have free templates for Blogger and I think I need a new look. Of course I forgot to email the ones I had narrowed it down to (only five or six to choose from) to myself from work and I may wait until Monday. Or not.

Tomorrow Keem and I are going to go scrapbook/stamp (haven't decided yet) at a work friend's house. That should be fun. And Sunday is karaoke. Even better than being karaoke? It's the Sunday before Halloween. Rock on. You know I will be dressing up.

Hope you all have a good weekend.

I am a monster - Update: It's a memey kind of day

Via frog via Tishie.

This got a loud "Ha!" out of me when I pulled it up.

Deadly Abhorrent Nun-Abducting Maiden-Attacking Ravager from the Isolated Earth

Via Joe. I've taken this before but it was BE (before Effexor) so the depression kind of overwhelmed at the time. I don't remember what I was before. And this rocks, 'cause Harrison Ford? Yeah, he's kind of hot.

Oh, dear. This isn't good. Although he did start the Peace Corp so it's not all bad, right? And Nancy, we can pretty much figure I'm not going to be going anywhere near your place if you live near Dallas. How far are you from Wichitaw Falls? That's where Char lives.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

A camera! A camera! My queendom for a camera!

Last night was Beth's birthday, as I mentioned. Beth picked me up at home at 5 PM (it was funny. I arrived at home at 5 PM, exited Keem's car, walked through the parking ramp and lobby and got into Beth's car. Okay. Maybe it wasn't that funny) and we headed off into Minneapolis, listening to some good tunes and catching up on our week. Since I just saw her on Monday, not really a lot had changed for either of us but it's still fun to share.

Beth sent her camera in for repair on Monday and I forgot mine at home. Not that it matters because it doesn't have any batteries at the moment (they need to recharge) and I, well, I kind of suck when it comes to taking pictures. I don't know if it is me or if it is my camera or what the deal will see the difference when I post the pictures from the party. The pictures I took with Keem's camera are far superior to the ones I took with my own. Plus, my hand shakes so I think I need a tripod.

Anyway, after some really great food at Manny's and a good time spent with Beth's Mom (Laurie) and her Mom's boyfriend (Scott), Beth and I headed out to go to her Mom's house. And got lost. Again. This is not really a big deal because we did eventually find our way to Fridley.

On our way, trying to find a highway that would take us to Fridley, Beth and I had the following conversations:

DM: Duc Loi.
B & DM: International Supermarket.
DM: You know, when I hear the word International, I usually think the next word is going to be Spy. Not Supermarket.
B: We so need to drive around some day and take pictures of weird signs.
DM: Yes! We could go to the Fu Xing Buffet (We have assumed that Fu Xing is pronounced Fooking)!
B: I don't want to eat there.
DM: I don't either but we could take a picture of the sign.

We are travelling some more. Completely and totally lost.

B: I think this road runs into something.
DM: Hopefully not a building.
B (laughs): No! I mean a highway or something. As long as it isn't 394.

Thirty seconds go by.

B: Well (as we are headed for construction and an obvious dead end), looks like I need to turn here.

I am sure that there was other things that we said that were funny but, unfortunately, I have not yet broken down and bought a tape recorder. And, as Beth put it, considering our tendency to forget things that we've said, what are the chances that we'd remember to a) turn the tape recorder on or b) remember that we taped something?

We did make it back to her Mom's. I got to spend some not so quality time with my former cat, Mac (for adorable pictures, please see Beth's blog), trying to convince him that he should shower me with love and affection. It did not work. He is so completely and totally in love with Laurie and Scott that I'm sure I'm just a dim memory. He also has a small cat to play with and two dogs to play with (or in Pepper's case, hiss at) and he gets to go outside lots so he is a happy cat.

Tonight we will go to karaoke, of course. There will be fun and laughter. Of course.

Hope you're all having a great week. I hope to have the pictures from the party up soon. And then there will be pictures from Halloween! Yay!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Crap. She's still 11 years younger than me.

Today is Beth's birthday. Feel free to go visit her blog and say hi to her and wish her a happy birthday. We are going to Manny's tonight and I am going to have some of the best steak known to man. I am very grateful to Beth's mom for two reasons - one being that she brought Beth into the world 27 years ago and the second that she said Beth could bring a friend tonight. Mmm. Steak.

Beth and I were talking this weekend about what we did last year and I pulled up this post to refresh my memory. You'll all be very shocked to hear this but we went to karaoke. I know. What are the chances?

After the company party, Beth picked me up when she got off of work and we spent the weekend together in a whirlwind frenzy of celebration and excitement (because you know what party animals we are).

We watched several episodes of Lost on Saturday night so that I could get caught up and we could discuss the show with James. I told her about the hypnotist and, when I realized it was about 8 in the morning and I was still wide awake, said "Huh. Maybe I was somewhat hypnotized since he said I would be as rested as if I had 8 hours of sleep." Beth made S'mores in the microwave. It's funny, we both love S'mores although I hate marshmallows and Beth doesn't like chocolate. But when you put them in a S'more, it's all good. Beth's theory is that it's the graham cracker.

On Sunday, we went to her Dad's house. He had ordered pizza and we watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I can now honestly say that there are two movies that I don't like - Romper Stomper and this movie. I'm not saying that it wasn't well acted, because let's face it, Johnny Depp is brilliant, but it was just bizarre and made absolutely no sense to me and the only thing I took away from it was that drugs are very bad and some people will do anything to get a buzz. Ether? Adrenal? Eww.

After that, we went to karaoke. It was a great night. Angie and Amy were there. Angie's boyfriend Steve also came up. I really like him and think he and Angie make a great pair. Angie told me, after he had left, that he had asked her if they were going up to karaoke because he wanted to see Beth and Hurricane Dana. That is so sweet.

Beth decided to ask me to sing songs that I would normally never try and am usually fairly good at resisting her pleas. Perhaps it was due to recently being hypnotized but somehow I let her talk me into singing I Believe In A Thing Called Love by The Darkness (very high in some places), Mr. Brightside by The Killers and Rock You Like A Hurricane by The Scorpions. Hmm. That's some interesting names for bands. I don't think I embarrassed myself too much. I may have to try Mr. Brightside again, I like that song.

It was freezing at the Chalet, something was wrong with the heat. I am not normally cold but I was shivering. I came very close to drinking coffee (blech) in an attempt to warm up. Or setting a table on fire.

Barry was there! He arrived with James. We had not seen him for awhile, the last time was when he came up to the Chalet to help James celebrate his birthday. I did see Gil. I did not throw myself at him in order to warm myself up. I will admit to being tempted. No, Barry is not Gil, although he is rather hot if you disregard the serial killer vibes he gives off.

After karaoke, Beth and I went to Perkins where I had two cups of hot chocolate and an Open Faced Turkey sandwich with mashed potatoes and gravy. It was very good. And helped me warm up a lot. Note to self: It's October. In Minnesota. Start wearing a jacket. Or at least a sweater. Sheesh.

I then watched Beth put together the surround sound system her Dad bought her for her birthday. Beth is good at putting electronics together. I have no clue. I have a tendency to not follow directions well. Or get distracted. Her new surround sound system (after all the little quirks were dealt with) is silvery and shiny and looks like it came from a space ship.

Beth and I had a great discussion about life and religion and love and space (I believe that it is arrogant of us to believe that we are the only intelligant life in the universe that God created. I do believe that there are other galaxies filled with people) while she was working on this.

I had Monday off so I slept later than usual. It was nice not having to be to work at 8 the morning after karaoke. After running around and doing some errands (returning the DVD player for the space ship surround system, sending her camera in for repair), we returned to Beth's and I watched Love Actually. And cried. And yelled at the TV (I really don't like Mia. She is a horrible person). And laughed. It is a great movie.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I always have a good time when I see Beth. And happy birthday to one of the best friends I've ever had. I will see you tonight at 5 and am looking forward to spending more time with you. And going to karaoke tomorrow.

Okay, I have to stop yawning. Must get sleep tonight. Have a stupid training class way early in the morning and am not looking forward to it. I hope you all had a good weekend!

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Faking It

Last night was the company party for my section of NABABNA. There will be pictures to come shortly.

Keem had bought fabric to make a dress similar to the one that Bette Midler wore in Hocus Pocus. She had spent a lot of time cutting out the fabric (and fighting off Eddy who thought this was an elaborate game created just to amuse him) and got ready to sew it when she discovered that she could not get the thread to hold. She's not sure if it is because of the thread she was using, that her sewing machine isn't working well or if the fabric was too thick. She was disappointed but fortunately has a costume that she made years ago.

I went as the Queen of the Universe (of course). I did not buy a tiara this year or even make one out of construction paper. Recently, because my hair is driving me crazy, I have taken to wearing it in a ponytail on top of my head at work. Yes, I have been referred to as Pebbles a few times. So I took two small jingle bell wreaths I had made several years ago and threaded my ponytail through them.

Keem and I had a good time talking to people when we got to the party. There were some very interesting costumes. Rachel's mom, Cindy, was there with her twin sister. Her sister dressed up as the bride of Chucky and Cindy was her bridesmaid. Keem's boss, Heather, was dressed up as a cheerleader and her husband was the coach. What made it really fun was that Heather is rather pregnant.

There were a few hippies, some people dressed up like Santa Claus, a bowling ball and two bowling pins. There was Forrest Gump, my boss Matt was dressed like a hillbilly, Jessica R was a cat, her boyfriend was a doctor and Shane was Harry Potter. Jeff (not my roommate Jeff) was dressed up like an employee from Wal-Mart (so you know I got his picture so I can show it to James (I am so evil sometimes)), Orrie powdered his hair (the theme was What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up so he came as old) and Jessica B dressed normally but had a angel's halo that she put on occasionally.

There was free pop and we received drink tickets for alcohol (two apiece). Both Keem and I gave our tickets to Shane and Jessica B because we weren't planning on drinking. Dinner was quite possibly the worst food I've ever had that was prepared by a catering service (the roast beef was very tough, the mashed potatoes were bland, the chicken was, well, it's hard to mess up chicken but they managed) but it was free so what the hell, right?

There were door prizes (Keem and I did not win, that we know of, we left at about 9:30 since Keem's back was really bothering her) but a lot of people in our department did win which was cool. We had fun taking pictures and chatting with our friends.

The highlight of the evening was a hypnotist. I have always wanted to be hypnotized so I did volunteer. I thought it would be fun to see if I could be put under. There were a group of us that volunteered.

I don't know if it was that I have a hard time keeping outside distractions out or what the deal was but I didn't fall under his spell. However, I didn't want to just say "Hey, Dude, it didn't work" so I stayed on stage. Plus, as you may recall, I do have a background in Drama and an overactive imagination, so I thought it would be fun to see if I could convince this guy that I was under the power of suggestion.

One of the things keeping me from completely relaxing is that he had us sit up straight and put our feet firmly on the ground. This is not how I usually sit because my knees have a tendency to start aching. When we first started, I thought for sure I was going to have to leave because I was in a lot of pain from the way I was sitting. But then he started talking about how we were going to be relaxed and be loose like heavy rag dolls and there would be no tension and any tension and pain would melt into the chair. And you know what, that did really work. My knees stopped hurting. Weird. Keem and I talked about it on the way home and she thinks that I might have been in stage 1 (apparently there are 4 stages).

The first thing he did was put our hands out in front of us with our fists clenched. Then he had us imagine that there was a pail in our left hand and our right hand was holding onto a string. Then he would count to five and would tell us he was putting a rock in the pail. This continued for awhile and I did feel like my left arm was getting heavier. The string was attached to a balloon and our right arms were supposed to be getting lighter. This is where I started having problems. My right arm did start rising but, instead of the left arm feeling like it was so heavy and I was about to drop the pail any minute, the right arm started aching from holding it up. This kind of detracts from the experience and made it hard for me to concentrate on what he was saying.

We had to imagine we were on an airplane. The temperature started getting colder (according to our hypnotist) and we were supposed to start trying to warm ourselves up by rubbing our arms, etc. Fine. I rubbed my hands together. Not a big deal. Was I cold? No, not really. Then the air was supposed to start warming up. Okay. I fanned myself a few times. Was I hot? No.

The next thing I had fun with was when he told us we were in a canoe. Okay. I can row a boat with the best of them. The women on stage were told that there was a group of cute men off to the left of us. We were supposed to flirt with them. Cool. I waved and smiled. Did I believe that there were cute men in a boat to the left of us? No.

We were then supposed to bait a fishing hook. Those of you who have read my blog for awhile are aware of that fact that fishing is not something I'm overly fond of and may remember the Fish Hook Saga (I told James this story on Thursday when Beth brought it up and he had no clue what we were talking about. He now thinks I'm weird. Well, weirder) so, when the hypnotist told us to bait the hook, I could not help but making a face. My imagination is overactive and I just knew that the worm was going to squish all over the place and I just didn't want to deal with. The hypnotist, alerted by the laughter from the audience at the expression on my face, then asked if there was anyone who had problems with baiting the hook to raise their hands and he would take care of it for them.

We then caught a fish. He asked a few people what type their fish was and how big it was. One girl said she caught a bass and it weighed 70 pounds. I am not much on the whole fish thing but I'm pretty sure that they don't weigh that much. After a little while, asking random people questions about their fish, he moved on to the next topic.

The hypnotist went around and tapped various people on the shoulders. He was telling us that we would do certain things when he asked us a question. One woman was supposed to forget the number 8 and, when asked to count to 10, would skip over the number. A man was told that he was from Mars and only spoke Martian. There was a woman who was a Martian translator. I, along with the woman next to me, was told that I would forget my last name and where I was from and would find it absolutely hysterical when someone else had the same problem.

Now it is not unusual for me to forget important facts. And, on more than one occasion, I have forgotten my last name. This was during a time of great stress in my life (I was working the Mall during Christmas, at 3 different jobs (It was horrible. I pretty much hate shopping at Malls now, especially during Christmas)) and it wasn't for very long, it was just that someone asked me my last name and I drew a complete blank. When the hypnotist told me that I would forget my last name and where I was from, I immediately started thinking "Dana Vittum from Saint Paul" over and over again so I wouldn't forget.

The woman who was supposed to forget the number 8 was told to count her fingers. She paused on the number 8 and said it with less conviction than the other numbers but she did remember to say it. He quickly moved on to the next person.

This was the Martian translator. We'll call her MT for short.

H (hypnotist): MT, how long have you been a Martian translator?
MT: Just recently.
H: Did you study the different Martian languages?
MT: No. I just knew it.
H: Okay. Well, right next to you is an actual Martian and I was wondering if you could ask him a question for me.
MT: Sure!

The hypnotist asked her to ask the Martian where he was from, how far did it take him to get here and some other questions I don't remember. MT turned to M (our Martian) and started speaking in complete gibberish. He responded in kind with some gibberish of his own. The audience found it hilarious and it was very hard for me to not laugh because MT's face was so sincere.

Then the hypnotist came to me and asked me my first name. He asked me to remove my name tag so I wouldn't be tempted to look at it.

H: What is your first name?
DM: Dana.
H: Thank you, Dana. What is your last name?

Part of me wanted to say Vittum so badly but I did not. I just looked blankly back at him. The woman next to me, Nancy, burst out into hysterical laughter.

H: What is so funny?
N (Nancy): She doesn't know her last name.
H: What is your name?
N: Nancy.
H: Nice to meet you, Nancy. Nancy what?

Nancy looked blankly at him. I, remembering my cue, started laughing at her.

He went back to the Martian translator for a little bit and came back to me.

H: Now it was Dana, right?
DM: Yes.
H: Dana what?

I pause, obviously concentrating (well, no, not really but everyone thought I was). Nancy starts laughing again. I turn to her and glare. The audience gets a big kick out of this. The hypnotist decides this is funny and goes to Nancy and asked her name. She responds again. Then he asked her where she was from and she doesn't know. I respond with a loud "HA!"

He comes back to me.

H: Dana, correct?
DM: Yes.
H: And Dana, where are you from?

I stare back at him, not answering. Nancy starts laughing again. I turn very slowly to her and give her the look. You know the one. The "You are messing with the Queen of the Universe, mere peasant child. Watch out" look (okay, maybe you don't know that look but it is quite frightening. I'm sure she was terrified that I was going to smote her any moment).

H: Dana.
DM: Yes.
H: What is your last name?
DM: My middle name is Marie.

I could see the hypnotist trying not to laugh while the audience chuckled to my response.

After a little bit of this back and forth between Nancy and myself, he finally moved on to the next skit, as he called it.

We were all supposed to imagine that we were at a race track. We were all given a number that corresponded with our horse and we were told that one of us was going to win 10,000 dollars. Cool.

He then told us that we were in the balcony but not to worry, we had high powered binoculars. We just happened to be wearing them on our feet. So we all ended up taking our shoes off. I was a little ticked off about this because I was wearing boots and I hate having to take my boots off but, again, to not play along might embarrass the hypnotist. I couldn't have that on my conscience.

The hypnotist asked us to raise our hands if we thought our horse was going to win. I did not raise my hand.

H: Dana. You did not raise your hand. You don't think your horse is going to win?
DM: No.
H: Why not?
DM: He looks very sick.

Laughter from the audience. The hypnotist starts the race. My horse, of course, is in last place. Stupid horse.

Nancy's horse, number 4, is doing very well. She is bouncing in her seat, looking excited, smiling at the fact that her horse is going to win. It's a sure thing! And then the hypnotist says that the jockey fell of the horse. I wish you could have seen Nancy's face. It just fell completely. I felt really bad for her and reached over and patted her on the shoulder in condolence.

Number 5 started picking up speed. There was a chance that I was going to win. I was very excited (well, I was acting like I was very excited). Nancy leaned over and took my hand in support. The hypnotist noticed this and came over.

H: Nancy, are you rooting for Dana?
N: Yes.
H: Why?
N: Well, her horse looks really sick.

My horse, by the way, did not win. MT won. She was very excited about this.

The hypnotist asked me a question about why I thought I didn't win.

DM: I think someone drugged my horse.

No one agreed with me which obviously means that there is a conspiracy to keep me from winning the (imaginary) millions of dollars. I didn't win the Powerball either.

When I got back to my table, I was immediately greeted by a ton of people who wanted to know if I remembered anything. They were all somewhat surprised when I told them that I remembered everything.

I then explained about how I didn't want to embarrass the hypnotist and that I love making people laugh. I'm sure a psychologist would find that it feels some deep need inside of me for approval but I don't care. My biggest joy is to make people laugh and this is why I will do stuff like this. That's why I love reading blogs that make me laugh.

Speaking of blogs that make me laugh, Beth, here is the Geese Aplenty post (okay, stupid blogger is not letting me to the link right now so here you go - that I was talking about. It is much funnier than my pathetic way of describing it.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Trying something new

Okay, see the kind of annoying flashing little banner? Well, I'm trying something new. Don't know why. I might end up deleting it. But I thought I would try making a banner and seeing if I could get more people to read my blog. Why? Because I am a comment junkie. We all know it. I can admit it.

Plus, I'm kind of hoping that I'll find some more blogs to read as well. Because, let's face it, guys, I love you all but you do not write fast enough for me. C'mon. I need more posts.

Tonight I am going to a Halloween party for work. So it's off to take a nap for an hour or so.

Friday, October 21, 2005

So saitheth thy Queen

I was reading flea’s blog last month and she was telling the story of how her youngest son, Christopher, had a birthday party and received two of the creepiest looking robots I have ever seen. They are called Robosapiens and Christopher was absolutely thrilled to get them. Flea’s husband, Steve, had been about to suggest that they return one when Christopher very excitedly exclaimed “TWO ROBOTS!!! I HAVE TWO ROBOTS!!! I WANT THREE ROBOTS. I WANT FOUR. I WANT FIVE ROBOTS. FIVE ROBOTS!!! FIVE!!!!”

As flea put it, “Christopher has begun to amass a robot army, people. A robot army that will do his bidding. What this means for the rest of us, I cannot say.

Stock up on your bottled water. The endtimes have begun.” Is there any doubt as to why I love her writing? The woman is brilliant.

Anyway, the whole point to my post, other than to gush over flea’s writing, is that Camera Obscura left the link to quite possibly one of the funniest lists I have ever read, 100 Things I’d Do if I Was an Evil Overlord. Seriously. I giggled for a good 15 minutes over this list. Probably the best part was number 7 where the future Evil Overlord said “When I've captured my adversary and he says, ‘Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?’ I'll say, ‘No’ and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say ‘No.’”

Now you might be wondering why I am telling you about this list. And the reason is that, while Keem and I were doing 5000 tons of laundry (6 loads all on my own. Remember how I said I cleaned out my closet? Lots and lots of clothes that are all nice and fresh and fluffy now, ready to either be put back in my closet or given away) that same week, she was reading a book and I was working on a puzzle. And I was irritated because one of the puzzles I wanted to work on, a puzzle of hot air BALLOONS!, was put away with all of the pieces still attached to one another. So, in order to work on the puzzle, I would have to disconnect all of the pieces. That is not my job, people. That is the job of the prior puzzler. I get another puzzle out, one of flowers. Keem asked why I am getting a new puzzle. I explain.

I open up the new box and, sure enough, there are puzzle pieces that have not been appropriately separated.

DM: Do people not know that they are supposed to separate the puzzle pieces when they are done with the puzzle? This is their job.
Keem: Perhaps you can explain that to them, Dana. You can educate us all (I’m sure she meant this sarcastically).
DM: That is a good idea. I’ll do that.

So. Without further ado, I bring you my list. The list of things that I will do when I am not the self-proclaimed Queen of the Universe but the actual, honest to goodness, recognized by governments everywhere Queen of the Universe.

Proclamations by Dana, Queen of the Universe

Random Declarations

1. After completing a puzzle, you are required, by law, to separate the puzzle pieces instead of just dumping them into the box. This is very irritating.

Declarations of Foreign Policy

2. Intolerance will not be tolerated (pun intended). I do not care what you think, buddy, this is my universe and I make the rules here. Don’t make me smite you.
3. All those that want to participate in stupid wars will be sent to their room. I have decided that your room is now Mars (Mars was the God of War so it seems fitting to me). You can go ahead and blow each up all you want and not have any effect on those of us who think that fighting over oil or religion is stupid. You will not be allowed to participate in space travel because, quite frankly, I’m sick of all of you.
4. Dictators that flourish while their subjects suffer will be in BIG trouble. Anyone who is responsible for mass death, starvation and/or poverty to other human beings will be stripped of all power and forced to spend the rest of their lives exactly the way that those they subjugated did. Let’s see how they like it.
5. If you can’t live amongst your neighbors without causing a fuss, I will relocate you. It’s a mighty big universe. You could end up on a planet that has really no atmosphere at all. Sort of like you with really no personality or brains.

Declarations of Religious Policy

6. I do not care if you believe in God, Jehovah, Yahweh, Allah, Buddha, Confucius, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Krishna, Loki or absolutely nobody. Remember Declaration #2? Now here is the sign that I am the best Queen of the Universe in the, well, Universe. I am a born again Christian. But unlike certain presidents, I am not walking around telling you that you’re all going to go to Hell because you don’t believe the same way I do. However. A fanatic is a fanatic is a fanatic. If you start harassing people and tell them that they have to believe the same way that you do, well, you know what? Jupiter has vacancies (Jupiter was the King of the Gods so it also seems fitting).
7. If two adults of reasonable intelligence decide that they are in love and want to get married, that’s okay. I do not care what color they are. I do not care if they are the same sex. I do not care if one is 7 feet tall and the other is only 4 feet tall. I like love. Love is good. Showing your love by marrying someone that you love is good. People that cannot accept this and feel that interracial and/or gay marriage is going to cause the break down of the Institution of Marriage are a) idiots, b) truly pissing me off and c) going to live on Venus (Goddess of Love. I think I have a theme here). Do not quote your Bible, Torah, Other Religious Documents or Piece of Paper You Wrote a Bunch of Nonsense Words On at me.
a. Addendum to Declaration #7. Anyone who comes to me and says “I want to marry my sheep. Or my 16 year old daughter. Or a rock” is obviously not paying attention and may end up facing my wrath with a swift kick to the rear because stupid should be painful.
8. Religion and State should be separated. If you want your child to be able to pray in school, send them to a religious school. I think we have more things to be concerned about, such as whether or not some idiot is going to start shooting everyone.

Declarations of Government Responsibility

9. Anyone with the last name Bush or who is related to a Bush is absolutely NOT allowed to run for president. I’m sorry but I’m not putting up with it anymore. If you start yelling “Jeb in 2008,” I will not be happy. Is there any reason why we couldn’t have a woman president? Not Barbara or Laura! Weren’t you listening to me?
10. Teachers, Police officers, Fire Department Staff, Nurses, etc. will be paid what they are worth. If you are risking your life at your job, you deserve a lot of money. If you play a professional sport, you should be playing for the love of the game and therefore receive, oh, what a teacher gets now. Yeah. That works for me.
11. Everyone needs to have medical insurance. Everyone should have a place to live. Children should not go hungry or have to live on the streets.

Declarations Just Because

12. Everyone should go to karaoke at least once. It is very fun.
13. Certain people who live in Texas should stop trying to usurp my power (Why, yes, Mark, I am talking about you).

Hmm. I have run out of declarations. Is there anything you can think of that you would like me to do when I am in control of the Universe?

Wednesday, October 19, 2005


Okay, this is not an earth shaking post but I've been kind of amused by some of the things that appear in my gmail spam box. In the last week, this is some of the subject lines I've seen:

Dear Dana, you've been approved for an auto loan (really. Are you aware that I don't drive).

Don't expose your intimate life (no, I have not been caught streaking. Apparently, it's about health products)!

Dear Beloved (you'd think this would be from some hot guy begging me to marry him, right? Wrong), I am the Credit Manager of a large Nigerian (Asian/African/Somewhere other than America) bank. Some really rich guy died and didn't have any heirs. So what I'm proposing, with my really bad grammar and spelling, is that I send you a wire for lots and lots of money when you claim to be one of his heirs. Because that's not illegal at all.

Your kids will look adorable this Halloween (oh, yeah, that's the perfect way to scare me! Give me children)!

Meggan22 would like to meet you (I'm sure she's very nice but she's really not my type).

Hair loss? Take charge with this laser brush (don't lasers destroy things).

Don't worry. Be happy (wow. Since you've told me to, I have no choice but to obey)!

Get soft skin on us (okay, I'm sure they didn't mean it the way I am taking this but still).

Thanks for being a friend (you're welcome. Who the hell are you?).

Update: If you could explain to me what the person who sent this one was thinking, I'd appreciate it.

Evil wishers are always around to spread rumors (this email is about health products. Health products! If I use their products, that's supposed to stop the evil wishers? WTF)!

And, because I can, I bring you a song that fits perfectly.

Spam by Save Ferris

It's pink and it's oval
I buy it at the Mobil
It's made in Chernobyl

Now when I was a child
My family was so poor
They didn't have the finer things in life to eat
So we had a plan
In a big blue can
The government substitute for meat

(Repeat Chorus)

To get me to eat it at dinner
They said I'd grow up like Bruce Jenner
He was a winner that never knew defeat
And when he got hungry
When he got hungry
He cracked open that special treat
It was

(Repeat Chorus)

Don't you know it's my best friend
Again and again and again

Don't you know it's my best friend
Again and again and again and again

So go and forget your O-S-C-A-R
There's one meat by-product that's best by far

(Repeat Chorus)

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

How was your weekend?

Every once in awhile, I will come across something that strikes me as funny and think "Hmm, this is funny. I want to be able to read it again later. Or read something by this person again." And I'll make a copy of the link and save it as a draft. And then I'll completely forget about it. Until months later, when I'm wandering around, searching through my posts for something (if only I would finish my stupid categories) and I'll come across it again. And then I'll read it again and think "Hey, this is funny."

Instead of just leaving it in my drafts again, I've decided to post the link here because, seriously, this is funny. No clue how I found this and it really has nothing to do with the rest of this post which is about this weekend but hey, did I mention that it's funny? It's about what not to do on a first date and believe me, this is some good advice. Not that I think any of us would actually do this but I think I may have dated the guy that this guy who wrote it is giving the advice to. Well, maybe not. The guy who is getting the advice? He might be a bit more classy than most of the men I've dated.

Anyway, so I had a good weekend. Matt (the boss) gave me a ride home on Friday because I switched shifts with Jessica B and worked until 7 PM. I have mentioned that I have the best boss in the world, right? And you know it's true because he doesn't even read my blog so all of this sucking up is in vain (Johnny, I forgot how to do the whole strike out thing again, can you let me know? Because I wanted to put the slash through the sucking up and put praise. Or Joe? Maybe you know how to do it? And why haven't you had a post lately? You do hate me, don't you? No, I'm not paranoid at all).

So Friday I played online to all hours of the night (big shock), both reading blogs and playing that evil Free Cell. Saturday, Keem and I went to a store that I cannot mention because when you do talk about this store, James goes into cardiac arrest because they are apparently evil and shopping there is akin to killing small children (Hint: Starts with a W, ends with a Mart) but he's pretty damn funny when he starts vanting so sometimes I will bring up something just to listen to him climb up on his soapbox about the W store or why a certain movie mogul is also evil (Hint: has a empire based on some movies that rhymes with Car Floors (which, honestly, I have about as much interest in watching as I would watching a movie about car floors).

After shopping, we went to eat at a Chinese restaurant that we both really like and ran into Jeff and his cousin. We then had to stop at Hancock Fabrics on the way home because Keem, who is making her Halloween costume for the Halloween party work is having next Saturday (this Saturday?), had bought all of her fabric, patterns, straight pins, etc. except for thread. Unfortunately sewing machines kind of require that you put thread in them for them to work.

I wandered around the store for awhile, looking for a tiara for my costume (Queen of the Universe but I thought I'd go for an actual tiara this year than the construction paper one I made last year), and then wandered back up to the front of the store where Keem was checking out. I then entertained myself by annoying Keem.

Here is last year's picture.

Halloween Pic

There was a bin of fabric flowers (the small ones that you might sew onto something if you needed to sew small fabric flowers onto something) for 10 cents. While Keem was checking out, I would search through the flowers and pull one out that I thought looked interesting.

DM: Wordlessly holding up some fabric flowers for Keem to look at.
Keem: Yes.
DM: Putting the flowers back and holding up some other flowers.
Keem: I see the flowers, Dana.
DM: Putting the flowers back and holding up other flowers. This time kind of waving them in her face because she hates that.
Keem: Yes, Dana, those are pretty flowers.

I glance over at the woman standing behind Keem. She has a perplexed look on her face. It dawns on me that she might actually think that I am "special" in not the normal special way used to describe me (you know, incredibly fun and exciting and willing to turn pirouettes in a parking lot and a tree hugger) but in the mentally handicapped way. Which bothers me not at all because if you want to make snap judgements about someone just because they are having a good time driving their roommate crazy, well, that's your problem. I'm not trying to mock anyone, mentally handicapped or otherwise, I am just the type of person that enjoys doing things a little bit different than the rest of the world. Let's put it this way - I don't just march to the beat of a different drummer, I have my own percussion section.

Beth has training today and had to be in Minneapolis at 8 AM. This is obviously a cruel joke visited on her by a boss with a vendetta against her (not sure who but it sounds good). Beth is not a morning person at all and doesn't work on Mondays usually and when she does work, doesn't start until 3 PM. So this 8 AM thing for her is complete and total torture while for me it is just a slight annoyance since I start at 8 AM every morning.

Not wanting to miss karaoke (because that would just be wrong), she had the bold plan to stay up as long as possible on Saturday night/Sunday morning and sleep as long as possible on Sunday afternoon/night and then stay up through Monday night. Now I know that this is possible to do because I was once 26 myself and did manage to stay up 24 to 48 hours in a row. But those days are far behind me.

Beth asked me to help her stay up and I, as nicely as possible, laughed in her face. I have been known to fall asleep during movies, scrapbooking and actual conversations when I have stayed over at Beth's. Nothing can keep me awake after a certain point, not Mountain Dew, coffee, etc. My body says "Screw you, Vittum. I don't like you anymore" and will shut down. But Beth is a good friend and so I said I would try to stay up as late as possible. I took my nap at about 8:30 PM and Beth called me at about 11:45 PM.

I was a little tired when she called and was not expecting to be very helpful at all but Beth is a tricky Beth and found the one thing that could keep me awake. She had been playing around with iTunes and discovered that she could download TV shows. Now Beth has made it quite clear to myself and our friends from karaoke that she is not overly fond of television. The only shows that she will watch, occasionally, is Law & Order & CSI: Miami (Because of the hotness of David Caruso). She did tolerate, while we were Portugal, the occasional Buffy and Angel episode but I think that was mainly because she's polite and was humoring Johnny and I. So, when she told me that she had downloaded the entire first season of Lost, I was somewhat amazed.

James had been talking about it at karaoke about what an amazing show it was (but he used the words fucking amazing a lot (He's a very passionate man about things, it's quite funny)) and Beth, when she picked me up, started telling about how the show was great and wonderful and addicting and she picked up on some of his mannerisms. James kind of talks like William Shatner.

Anyway, I am here to report that the damn show is as wonderful as they both said and I am seriously addicted. And I did not fall asleep at all. At noon, I was seriously contemplating if we could watch a few more episodes. Because sleep? Who needs it? Fortunately, Beth is usually much more rational than me and it is decided that sleep is more important than the episodes because if we don't go to bed soon, we'll end up sleeping through karaoke. And that would be bad.

I try to fall asleep on the trundle bed in the living room but have extremely freaky dreams where all of the men from Lost start turning into monsters (did I mention Beth downloaded Thriller as well since I'd never seen it) and I keep waking up, playing a couple of games of Alchemy and then go back to bed.

At about 7:30, Beth walks into the living room. We talk a little bit, I go to shower. As I am getting dressed, I start having some problems.

My left bra strap comes loose as I am pulling it into place. No. It's broken. Great. Beth doesn't have a safety pin so I end up cutting off the strap (Keem asked me yesterday when I was telling about this "Why didn't you just tie it?" My answer. "Crap. Didn't think about that.") and going with the one strap look bra-wise. It was quite attractive.

DM: Dammit. My bra strap broke.
B: Oh. That's not good.
DM: Do you know what else is not good?
B: No.
DM: I forgot to bring a clean pair of underwear. So I'm going commando.
B: I'd ask you if you were free balling but you don't have balls.
DM: No, I do not.

Karaoke was a lot of fun even though Angie and Amy were not there (Angie was sick). Karaoke is always fun.

When James got there, we let him know about how we hated him (no, not really) for making us addicted to the show. He was quite pleased to find out that we were hooked and wants us to catch up so we can talk about it next week. I have (of course, because I am a dork) started reading the transcripts to catch up on the shows that I didn't watch with Beth. That will not stop me from reading the rest of them. If I love a show, I can watch it over and over and over again and read all the transcripts and buy novels based off the show (occasionally. I prefer the novelizations as to the novels based off (but I have a ton of Buffy books. Who is surprised by that?))) and really want to get the action figures but talk myself out of it and try to talk my sister into naming her son Joss instead of Josh (she obviously said no way in hell).

And last night I stayed up until 11:30 reading Lost transcripts and playing Free Cell. Hmm. I think I have a somewhat addictive personality. What do you think?

Looking forward to Thursday. Beth doesn't close and so we have extra karaoke time and possibly hanging out with Liz. How cool is that?

Monday, October 17, 2005

Another Google Meme

From: Oh, c'mon. Guess. Who could it be? Why, it's frog! Yay, frog, for always having the best memes (by the by, Beth and I were discussing, how do you pronounce meme? I think it is meem. She thought it was either mem me or me me. What do you think?). She got this from Pilgrim Heretic.

Anyway, the Google meme is that you take your first name and write needs after it. I started it with DM but DM apparently does not just stand for Dana Marie but Dungeon Master and let's face it, I am dorky enough without bringing up the whole D&D thing again.

Although, some of these are cute.

DM needs tips & advice (yeah, that's true)
DM needs characters
DM needs a break

Okay. Let's try to see what Dana needs.

Dana needs a home (Got one, thanks).
Dana needs some breathing room (No, I'm cool).
Dana needs a friend (Got plenty).
Dana needs boards (Okaay. I think this is surfing related. Ha).
Dana needs to download slots (I have no clue).
Dana needs new headshots and monologues (Because I'm not dramatic enough, apparently).
Dana needs a lot of help (Hey!).
Dana needs to find another payment processor (or money. Money would be good).
Dana needs to tweak (Tweak what?).
Dana needs to get "Iran" and "Iraq" straightened out (Well, duh. Stupid Bush, messing with my universe. I would so make a better President).
Dana needs housekeepers (oh, God, yes).
Dana needs to serve all of these audiences well (Haven't heard any complaints yet).
Dana needs a career boost (Dana needs to marry a rich man who is indulgent and will let her blog full time).

I thought it was fun. You could try it. Memes are fun. We like them. And I don't tag, which makes me even cooler than ever, right? Right?

Wait. Am I supposed to be an octopus?

Your Animal Personality
Your Power Animal: Deer
Animal You Were in a Past Life: Panda
You are a fun-seeker - an adventurous, risk-taker. While you are spontaneous, you are not very rational.

The Animal Personality Test

I don't think I'm an octopus. And who needs to be rational? Rational is for suckers.

You Are Changing Leaves

Pretty, but soon dead.

Huh. Well, that's disturbing.

Your Birthdate: March 11

Your birth on the 11th day of the month makes you something of a dreamer and an idealist.
You work well with people because you know how to use persuasion rather than force.
There is a strong spiritual side to your nature, and you may have intuitive qualities inherent in your make up, too.

You are very aware and sensitive, though often temperamental.
Although you have a good mind and you are very analytical, you may not be comfortable in the business world.
You are definitely creative and this influence tends to make you more of a dreamer than a doer.

Well, except for the analytical thing, it's pretty right on.

Your Monster Profile
Mad Goblin
You Feast On: Armadillos
You Lurk Around In: The Hearts of Men
You Especially Like to Torment: Boys Who Wear Make-up

Uh-oh. Mark, you better watch out. I did say the animal you reminded me of was an armadillo. And I have nothing against boys who wear make-up.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Kissing A Fool

On the confession meme I did the other day, I had checked the box "Kissed a stranger" and then said that maybe I would tell the stories. On my categories, this will fall under What Was I Thinking (WWIT)? I am not known for my brilliant decisions when it comes to romance.

Okay, the start of our tale takes place in the nineties. I think. Maybe the eighties. I was working for Major's at the time and this was before I had moved to Madison. Someday I am going to sit down and write a timeline for my life so I can figure out when all this stuff happened, instead of saying "Hmm, well, I think it was when I was 20 or 25? Maybe 30?"

Hey, look at that. I got distracted again. Big shock. Anyway, my friend Becky and I had gone bowling. Or dancing at the bowling alley. I'm not sure. And there was a bar. And there was alcohol. And there was Dana, feeling somewhat lonely and depressed and less than attractive. And there was a total scumbag who picked up on these feelings and swept in and started flirting with her.

Before I go farther, remember, I did say this was in the What Was I Thinking? category. This is probably one of the dumbest things I have ever done and it amazes me sometimes that I am a) not riddled with countless sexually transmitted diseases, b) the mother of many small children and c) dead because I was killed by some psycho.

So total scumbag (TS) was flirting with me, I had been drinking, I did not make a very wise decision. This decision was to leave with TS after making out with him in the bar. Because nothing says classy like public displays of affection with complete strangers. On our way to TS's apartment, he spun me a tale of finely crafted bullshit and I fell for it. According to TS, he shared his place with a somewhat psychotic woman who was extremely jealous of any woman that he brought home. So what he was going to do, for my protection, was leave me at the Embers near his place, while he went to make sure that she was gone.

Does your brain start ringing the alarm that something's just not right about this? That is good. That means that you're not an idiot. My brain's alarm obviously needed to have its batteries changed because nothing went through my mind that even slightly resembled the thought that "Hey! Moron! Maybe he's got a girlfriend? A wife? Maybe he's psychotic? Did you even think of that? How do you know you're not going to be chopped up into little pieces and fed to his man-eating dogs?"

I sit at Embers for awhile. And then he returns. He takes me to his apartment which is, quite frankly, a total pit (I know I shouldn't talk because honestly, I'm not the most clean person in the world, but even I don't have tater tots scattered on the floor). In his efforts to seduce me, he offers me some cocaine. I am about to turn him down because I never really saw the great pleasure of cocaine when I see, on the floor, a gun. My brain now decides to start flashing an alarm. "Hey! Did you see that? That's a gun! You can't turn him down! He might shoot you! Oh, my God! Just snort the damn cocaine. What's the worst that could happen?"

I'll tell you what the worst that could happen snort, figuring that nothing will happen because coke never has any effect on you and then he laughs and says "You thought that was cocaine! It's not! It's crank! Hahahahaha!" Yeah. That's really funny. Thanks.

I am not going to go into much detail about my "relations" with TS, other than to say that we did not consumate our great love affair due to performance issues. Which is just as well.

So, you'd think that I would have learned from the crank incident, right? That I would have said "Hey, Dude, I need to go home now. Thanks, it's been ever so lovely. Hope I never see you again." No. Again, I was an idiot. So when he asked me to move in with him, I said sure. He was moving to a new place, away from his crazy psycho roommate and she didn't know where he lived.

Yes, I know. I'm sure you'll need time to shake your head in dismay. Perhaps slap your forehead in shock. It's nothing less than what I've done myself.

So I got some things together and brought them over to his new apartment. Like my TV, the book I was reading at the time, nothing major (fortunately I left my cat and Panda at my mom's house (which might have been why I wanted to move out so badly. I lived with my mom. (I've narrowed this down a bit, this was before I lived in Madison, so it was probably 1989-90))) and brought it over to his place. I also, in an act of sheer stupidity, gave him money. Because he knew a way that he could double my money. That night.

I know. If you want to come over here and slap me, it's okay. I'll be at the Chalet on Sunday. It'll be nice to see you even if you're beating me about the head.

So we're hanging around his new place, attempting to correct his previous performance problems (perhaps if he stopped using drugs and oh, maybe get an implant, he wouldn't have problems anymore (is that too much info?)), when there is a pounding on the door and screaming. A woman screaming. Huh. Looks like the psycho roommate figured out where his new place was. That's not good. Somehow he manages to calm her down (wait. Did he just mention a threesome? What? I don't think so) and tells me he is going to go back to his other apartment and get some stuff. He leaves me there.

A smart girl would have thought "Hmm. Here this guy has a psychotic roommate that seems very upset that he's brought a girl over to the apartment she knows nothing about. Plus, there was that whole threesome thing that he brought up. I'm not interested and he is having problems with just me, how is it going to work with two women? Ohhhh. I'm definately not interested. I wonder if there is more going on between them that he told me." A smart girl would have thought that. An idiot would decide to clean. Which, to this day, surprises me.

So I'm working in the kitchen, doing the dishes, wiping down the counters, etc., when I make a discovery. There is an apartment application on top of the fridge. I look at it (yes, I am nosy). Huh. Look at that. The application is for Total Scumbag and Total Scumbag's Wife.

WIFE! As in, he is married. And also, there's a child listed on the application. A child. I am horrified. When he returns, I do not confront him on this (still remembering the gun) and also avoid his attempts to continue where we left off before we were so rudely interrupted by his WIFE! The conversation (what little there was because he's not so brilliant (I may not have street smarts but dang it, I can discuss Shakespeare like no one's business)) has become stilted. TS and I really don't have anything in common except that I was drunk and stupid and he knew how to take advantage of that.

Soon after, he says it is time to make his transaction. He brings up the money thing again. I am still thinking of the gun so I give him some money (why I didn't use the money to take a cab, I do not know. I could have easily left when he was gallivanting around with his WIFE!), actually all of my money. My entire paycheck.

Yeah, we've been over this. I was an idiot, okay. I know it, you know it, half the Internet knows it. Why do you think I have a category called What Was I Thinking?

He drops me off at some bar in North Saint Paul. Cannot remember the name. I think it was Garrity's Lounge. He tells me he'll be back in an hour. And I wait. And wait some more. And wait even more. Hmm. What might have happened here? Has TS abandoned me? Is it possible that a man who lied to me about being married AND having a child may have taken off with my money as well? How could that be?

There is, across the bar, a man who has taken to smiling at me periodically. Perhaps he likes the somewhat panicked aura that I am giving off. I don't know. After about 3 hours, with no sign of TS, I look up to see the man standing there with a rose. He says something nice, something along the lines of "Hey, are you all right? You look somewhat upset."

He sits down and we start talking. He is the Lesser of the Two Evils but we'll just call him Les for short, okay? Les appears to be genuinely a nice guy. This is somewhat shocking to me because, and I think I've proven it by now, I don't have much luck with nice guys. I will give a bit more detail on why this is later.

The bar is about to close. There is no TS. Les asks me if I want to go and get breakfast. I have poured out my soul to him about how I have no money so he indicates that he will pay. I agree and we leave, I clutching my rose and his outstretched hand, looking through the parking lot to see if there is the faintest inkling that TS might be returning to rescue me from my self imposed boredom (Because, seriously, what was I thinking that I did not bring a book with me? C'mon).

Les takes me to some restaurant that I do not remember now but I was amused to see that it was across the street from the Embers I had been the previous night. We are talking and I suddenly start shaking. Uncontrollably. I am cold or shocked or both or something. Les comes to my side of the table and puts his arm around me. This is helpful. Our breakfast arrives and then Les makes fatal mistake number 1, he starts feeding me the sausage. This is wrong on two counts. First of all, I am quite capable of eating my own breakfast, thank you very much. Two, if you are doing this as a suggestive, "Hey, I have a sausage of my own, doesn't this just turn you on ever so much?" the correct answer would be no. If you are going to use a food to symbolize girth, I would suggest trying something a bit larger, say a bratwurst or maybe a large parsnip.

Anyway, as I'm sure you all know what is going to happen next, Les ends up bringing me to his apartment.

I know. My God, what was I thinking? Do I have any self-respect at all? Obviously not. Well, at the time. This is the only good thing about many years of celibacy, it makes you think about past "relationships" and why they were not so good. Oh, by the way, "relationship" is in quotes because what I really mean when I say relationship here is "laughingly pathetic attempt at a romantic encounter."

We then begin what has been one of my healthier "relationships" over the years. This is not my longest "relationship" (6 months), this is not my most romantic "relationship" (with a man 7 years younger than me, remember Dane?), this is not even the "relationship" where I got engaged. Les was a good guy. He was nice, treated me well and was pretty sweet.

So what happened? Why am I not still with Les?

That's a good question. I'd be happy to answer that for you.

I have this problem (or did. It's been so long since I've been in a "relationship" that I couldn't tell you if I still have the same problem). When I get involved with someone, I suddenly change from Dana, fun and exciting but a little flaky individual, into Dana, clinging woman who can't make a decision all on her own and must rely on her big strong man. In short, I become a woman that I absolutely hate. A woman who cannot exist without a man in her life. I become the opposite of me. And my whole reasoning for it is that I am becoming what I think the guy wants. Why I think they want this, I don't know. Because hey, how better than to keep a man than to completely bury the fun and exciting Dana that they met and bring out Clingy Dana? Gee, I'm amazed I'm not writing advice columns.

So Les and I simply didn't have a chance. He was not perfect either, I will never forget the time when he became very ill and I stayed home from work to take care of him. He sent me to the store to get some medicine for him and they did not have what he wanted. I made an educated guess and purchased something else (tablets instead of liquid) and came back home (we weren't technically living together but I did spend a lot of time over there). He was extremely cranky, somewhat understandable because he couldn't swallow very well, had cold sores all over and inside his mouth. He saw what I had bought and threw a complete hissy fit, how did I expect him to swallow the pills? Why didn't I get him the liquid? What was I thinking by buying orange juice? That would hurt his cold sores! Why was I so stupid? Um, excuse me? I tried being very supportive but calling me stupid does not go far towards winning my everlasting love.

The last time I saw Les, he had agreed to go to my friend Illya's party with me. Illya's first name was Louis but everyone called him Illya (cool name, huh?). He was born on New Year's Day at 12:10 and his parties were a blast. Some facts about Illya: He spoke Russian, used to have his own cable show (humor, his sense of humor was quite bizarre), liked the Beatles and, if I remember right, wanted to be a clown (I forgave him for that). He is the guy who told me once when we were playing a game we had kind of made up ourselves that if I was a movie, I would be a romantic porno and that when I found the right guy, I was going to explode with love all over him and he would be the luckiest guy in the world. Sweet, huh?

So I went all out, I had this really gorgeous dress that I was going to wear (olive green jumper with kind of a sexy overalls look), garter belt, thigh high nylons, new shoes, etc. I did my makeup perfectly and looked great. I had spoken to Les at about 6 PM and he told me he would be there to pick me up at 7 PM. And then I waited. And waited some more. I went outside and had a few cigarettes. My New Year's Resolution was to quit smoking and I wanted to get as many in as possible before I had to give them up. I should state right here that this wasn't my choice. Les hated the fact that I smoked and so I was quitting for him.

I know. Not for myself. Him.

7:30 came around. I tried calling. No answer. Well, obviously he's on his way and is just running late.

8:00. No Les. No answer.

9:00. WTF is going on here? Where is he?

Nineish. Call over to Illya's. Ask to talk to Becky. Tell Becky that I've obviously been stood up and that I'm going to bed. I am holding back the tears. Becky can tell.

Becky says "There is no way I am leaving you alone on New Year's Eve. I'm coming to get you."

She proceeds to drive from Minneapolis to Mahtomedi on New Year's Eve. Isn't that great? That was the perfect way to help me feel better, knowing that my friend cared enough to come and get me so I didn't have to be alone. I loved her for that.

When she picked me up, I was upset but, after talking to her on the car ride back to Illya's, decided that I was better off without Les. It didn't take very long for me to shed the Clinging Dana personality and go back to my normal personality, the Dana that did what she wanted and damn the consequences. This Dana is the one that decided that "Hey! Screw this quitting smoking thing. I have decided to make my New Year's resolution something fun and exciting."

I bet you'll never be able to guess what I chose. Go ahead. Try guessing.

I decided my New Year's resolution was to kiss every man in the apartment.

It was probably one of the best nights of my life. There is a video of the whole evening and you can see me, my face flushed, laughing with my friends and planning my next stage of attack. I sparkled, Les was forgotten and I had such a great time. I think I even kissed the really creepy guy that no one knew. Not positive.

I never did hear or see from Les again. I did, however, hear from TS. About a week or two after he abandoned me, I received a phone call at the bowling alley. He tried to weasel his way into seeing me again. I told him no way in hell. I should have said yes, shown up with a ton of my male friends and got my money and stuff back but I wrote him off as a learning experience. Learning experience would be "Don't trust everyone you meet, you door knob!"

Now that I've had the enforced years of celibacy (which may not actually be 8 years. I'm bad with the math and I think Beth and I figured it might only be six or seven. But I laugh at these numbers (MWAHAHAHAHA) and say six, seven or eight, it's still a really freakin' long time), I like to think that I've learned a lot and become someone who doesn't believe I need a man in my life to make me happy*. The What Was I Thinking? train has pulled into the station and I feel no need to board it again.

*That's not saying that it wouldn't be nice if Gil looked at me one day and was filled with an uncontrollable desire to freakin' kiss me already!

Title, of course, comes from George Michael. I'm not sure who the fool was in my tale, perhaps me, perhaps TS and Les. Maybe all three of us? You decide.

Kissing A Fool - George Michael

You are far
When I could have been your star
You listened to people
Who scared you to death, and from my heart
Strange that you were strong enough
To even make a start
But you'll never find
Peace of mind
Til you listen to your heart

You can never change the way they feel
Better let them do just what they will
For they will
If you let them
Steal your heart from you

Will always make a lover feel a fool
But you knew I loved you
We could have shown them all
We should have seen love through

Fooled me with the tears in your eyes
Covered me with kisses and lies
So goodbye
But please don't take my heart

You are far
I'm never gonna be your star
I'll pick up the pieces
And mend my heart
Maybe I'll be strong enough
I don't know where to start
But I'll never find
Peace of mind
While I listen to my heart

You can never change the way they feel
Better let them do just what they will
For they will
If you let them
Steal your heart

And people
Will always make a lover feel a fool
But you knew I loved you
We could have shown them all

But remember this
Every other kiss
That you ever give
Long as we both live
When you need the hand of another man
One you really can surrender with
I will wait for you
Like I always do
There's something there
That can't compete with any other

You are far
When I could have been your star
You listened to people
Who scared you to death, and from my heart
Strange that I was wrong enough
To think you'd love me too
I guess you were kissing a fool
You must have been kissing a fool

Not really surprising, is it?

You are Kermit the Frog.
You are reliable, responsible and caring. And you
have a habit of waving your arms about

"Hi ho!" "Yaaay!" and
"How Green Was My Mother"

"Surfin' the Webfoot: A Frog's Guide to the

Sitting in the swamp playing banjo.

"Hmm, my banjo is wet."

What Muppet are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

I thought she'd never ask

Diana posted this just recently and asked me to answer it for her. I am always willing to please but didn't want to bury it in my old post. So here goes.

Oh, anyone else that didn't respond the first time can leave their name in the comments and I'll be happy to answer it for you as well.

To refresh your memory, here's the meme.

Leave your name and...
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll try to say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your blog.

Here's what Diana said about me.

1. You are the Queen of the Universe (obvious) and you don't mind being photographed with a cat toy on your head.
2. "It's The End Of The World As We Know It And I Feel Fine" (R.E.M.) I can't not sing and dance along with this song. It is optimistic, has you laughing as you try to get all the words out, and always makes me feel better. Effexor in a song.
3. 1-2-3 Jell-O, Orange flavored. It is most flamboyant and has layers.
4. I live vicariously through you.
5. You and the lovely Beth actually hopped a plane and journeyed to see Johnny in Portugal. You DID the dream!
6. An otter. Otters are happy, silly, and always make others laugh, plus, they are up for anything.
7. OK, I know WHY karaoke, but when did you first do it and who was with you. Also, was a dare involved?
8. You already did it, you started it in our little circle, trendsetter, you.

I love her. Does she know me or does she know me?

My answer to the karaoke question was "Karaoke. Hmm. It actually came up once because Matt said he was going and Beth and I went and it was okay. And then we went to another place and we met Bryan and we were hooked from song 1. The man can sing. And then we became friends with him and Liz and James and that was the best thing ever. No. There was no dare. I love singing. It reminds me of acting."

So here you go, Diana. Enjoy.

1. You write the most intriguing gardening posts that I have ever read.
2. Bohemian Like You by the Dandy Warhols. It is my favorite song from the Radio Sunnydale CD that I have (besides Pavlov's Bell by Aimee Mann). It is upbeat and weird and funny and every time I hear it (a lot since it is on my Confusion City playlist) I think of you. It is usually the thought "Stupid iTunes, why do you hate me and not let me burn a CD so I can send Diana really fun and exciting music? Why?" But iTunes does not respond. Which is probably a good thing. That and Crazy In Love by Kane (also on Confusion City playlist. Not that I'm in love. Because I'm not) for the same reason. And iTunes still does not respond to my pleas. Stupid iTunes.
3. The Cook and Serve Jell-O chocolate pudding that my grandmother used to make for me. With Cool Whip. We can make a huge pudding in a cloud. Mmm. Chocolate.
4. We have both made misguided hair styling decisions in cutting our own hair.
5. You left a comment about how you had clicked the links for the Bring Johnny to Minnesota fund because if anyone deserved to eat crap on a stick, it was Johnny. That made me laugh and go check out your blog where I promptly decided that you were ever so cool.
6. Okay, this is kind of weird. The first thing that popped into my head was not an animal. It was a nurse log. I remember reading about them in a Nora Roberts book (can't think of the name right now but it was excellent, as they always are. Oh! River's End) and thinking that was the coolest thing ever. And I like trees. A nurse log, for those not in the know, is a tree that, even after death continues to bring life forth, seedlings will sprout from it. And I thought that was cool. I think it is because you are a doctor and a gardener is the reason why I thought of it because you are continuously bringing forth life and that is cool. Am I making sense? If I was forced to choose an animal, I would have to say anteater - because I loved the anteater from the Pink Panther cartoons and hated that stupid smart aleck ant and since you have declared war on the bugs, it works.
7. Will you adopt me? I think you are quite possibly the coolest Mom ever (outside my own Mother. And my sister (crap! I'm going to get into so much trouble. (Nah. They don't read my blog. Dang them))). Some people would say that, at 38, I do not need to be adopted but they would be wrong. And Keem told me today that she is not my mother and I should learn to roll up my own sleeves. And she told me I couldn't hug Tree anymore. She is very mean. If adoption is not in the cards, how about coming out to Saint Paul and cleaning my room? It is taking far too long because I am a) lazy and b) a slob. I know you are not old enough to be my mother but since someone once referred to me as Beth's mom at karaoke, we could pretend that you had me when you were, what? Negative Five?
8. You've already done this! Yay!