Keem and I were bored one Sunday. It is amazing how different our personalities are...and that we haven't killed each yet.

-----Original Message-----
From: Keem
Sent: Sunday, May 09, 2004 12:12 PM
To: DM
Subject: Bad DM, Bad DM, what cha' gonna do when they come for you (no need to explain the song, I suppose)?

I can see it all now…7:02 pm, 494 and 24th avenue. A routine traffic stop, or so it seemed…DM was pulled over for a broken tail-light while driving her classy, shiny, black El Camino (her friends are still in shock that she’s actually got her license and driving on the road). When the officer approached her window, they saw bags and bags of impractical items from her recent shopping trip at the Mall of America and Wal-Mart in Bloomington, MN. The officer, a rookie on his first ever traffic violation, jumped the gun (no pun intended) by drawing his gun, and ordered her out of the car-truck. After a thorough search, he read her his rights and proceeded to bring her down to the station for interrogation.

“Ms. DM,” he asked, “would you care to explain how practical these items are, as you are in violation of Statute 1.07 of the practical penal code?”

“Why officer,” she replied, “one can never have too many sheep. You never know when you’ll need one. Then there are the DVDs. They were on sale for $5.88 at Wal-Mart! You have to take advantage of the sale. My shoes, I know they are hot pink, but they are so cute. I just had to have them…and the paper…you can never have too much scrapbook paper…”

“Ms. DM,” he said, “I fail to see the practical side to these purchases. I’m afraid I’m going to have to confiscate them for evidence. Furthermore, I’d like to see your checkbook register…”

And so begins the sad, sad tale of DM…there is rumor that she has escaped and has been seen in shopping malls across the United States…tune in to America’s Most Wanted for more of her story and a way that you can help her be brought to justice.

-----Original Message-----
From: DM
Sent: Sunday, May 09, 2004 1:02 PM
To: Keem
Subject: In my defense

It was a dark and stormy night. Thunder crashed and lightening streaked across the sky…

Oh, wait, that’s not the right genre, huh? Let’s try again.

All eyes were on the judge as he perused the court list. “Wait, let me get this straight. We actually have a person who is being prosecuted over a violation of Statute 1.07 of the practical penal code? Wow. I didn’t think I’d ever get one of these cases.”

The bailiff leaned forward. “It’s even worse than we thought, your Honor. The Defendant is completely devoid of practicality. She bought a…” the bailiff shuddered in horror. “An El Camino.”

“No! An El Camino? That’s madness. Madness, I tell you!” The judge exclaimed. “Get prepared to throw the book at her.”

DM’s lawyer was worried. He had come up against ‘Hanging Harry’ Walters before and knew that the Judge was extremely prejudiced against people like his client. He glanced over and saw the prosecuting lawyer smirk, excited about the prospect of sending another one of his clients to the ‘Spend-Free Row.’ “DM, I don’t think you understand the importance of what is about to happen here. They’re prepared to sentence you to five years of living on a strict budget. There won’t be any more DVD’s, DM.”

DM’s eyes filled with tears. “No DVD’s? I’ll never be able to live in a world like that. They might as well lock me away forever. Next you’ll tell me they’ll keep me from buying Nora Roberts’ books.”

Her lawyer sighed. “I’m sorry but this Judge only reads Non-Fiction. He would never condone a budget that makes allowances for novels, let alone romance novels.” He took his glasses off; his piercing blue eyes met hers in a look that was frank but also touching. His hidden desire for her was threatening to come to the surface. He wanted her but, because she was his client, he couldn’t act on his love. He had to save her, not only from the judge and jury, but from herself as well. “I think you’ll have to plea-bargain,” he said softly. “It’s the only way.” His eyes darkened with pain. “Damn it, woman, why did you have to buy the El Camino? Why?”

“Malcolm, haven’t you ever had a dream?” DM asked. “Hasn’t there been anything that just screamed out ‘Yes!’ so loudly that you just had to have it? This is something I’ve wanted since I was a teenager. Is it really all that wrong? You ask me why but the real question here is why not?”

“That’s it!” Malcolm realized. “It’s the perfect defense. It’s the only way! You’re brilliant!”

DM blushed. “Thank you, Malcolm. I knew you would see the light.”

Malcolm smiled at her. “Actually, with this defense, there’s no reason we couldn’t be together. Unless, of course, you wouldn’t be interested in an attorney with a heart as big as his vocabulary…” He waited anxiously for her answer.

DM’s reply was simple. “If I can’t live in a world without romance novels, I certainly wouldn’t be able to live without you.” (No, Mom, there's not really a Malcolm. I just like the name.)

-----Original Message-----
From: Keem
Sent: Sunday, May 09, 2004 1:36 PM
To: DM
Subject: Ms. Prosecutor, begin your opening statement...

“An El Camino…while it was big in its day, it really isn’t practical now. While it does have truck like qualities and would be practical for moving…but really, how often does one move? And the gas it eats. Not very practical when you drive 30 miles a day to work and back. Ms. DM is not a victim here. Impracticality seems to be her life. Books. Tons and tons of books that are carelessly strewn about her room and apartment. Books are meant to be treated with kindness and respect. Dare I mention the…(slight pause) BROKEN SPINES (the jury gasps in shock)?! Broken Spines, a huge sign of carelessness. Now, I could understand if they were books for research or even non-fiction, but Romance Novels and Science Fiction! What has this world come to? And the DVD’s! A one-woman whirlwind tearing through the $5.88 bin at Wal-Mart. Buying them just because they are on sale. Needless to say, that there are many that have not been discovered yet as there is a team of investigators trying to sort through all of the evidence. Well, we’ve got trouble my friends. Right here in this very courtroom. The idle checkbook is the devil’s playground for impracticality. Have you seen anyone with such a huge assortment of scrapbook supplies. Who needs that much paper and embellishments? The prosecution is going to prove that Ms. DM is not a victim, but an impractaholic. We are going to back this up with hard, cold evidence.”

-----Original Message-----
From: DM
Sent: Sunday, May 09, 2004 1:56 PM
To: Keem
Subject: I call my first witness (dun dun duh)...Beth. Your Honor, may I have permission to treat Ms. Beth as a hostile witness?

Beth approached the witness stand cautiously. She couldn’t lie in a court of law, not even to save a friend. What was she going to do? She had been horrified when she had received the subpoena to testify against DM. She reached the chair and sat down. The bailiff came at her with a bible. “Do you swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”

“Yes, yes, I do.”

The smarmy Prosecution lawyer approached Beth. “Ms. Beth, you are here under duress, is that correct?”

“Yes,” Beth responded. “DM is being persecuted. This country was built on the ideals that all people should be treated equally and yet, just because someone is a tiny bit impractical, you take them to court? What is this? Our founding fathers would be stunned!” The courtroom was filled with the buzzing of people who have finally heard the truth but don’t know what to do with it.

The Judge slammed his gavel down. “Order, order in the court! Ms. Beth, we don’t need any of your stinking rhetoric. That’s what’s wrong with our great country, the bleeding heart liberals with their ‘I’m not Impractical but I know someone who is’ ideology.”

The Prosecutor smiled coldly. “Actually, your Honor, Ms. Beth is certainly entitled to her say in court. I’d like to continue in this vein, if I could.”

The Judge frowned. “I’ll allow it but no more about the founding fathers! Haven’t the founding fathers suffered enough?”

“Ms. Beth,” The Prosecutor said. “What is your relationship with Ms. DM?”

“Why, we’re friends,” Beth said, puzzled that the question was so easy.

“Oh, are you?” The Prosecutor chuckled to herself. “I find that to be odd. Certainly you, of all people, must see the oddness of this pairing.”

“What do you mean?” Beth asked. The Judge slammed his gavel again.

“Young lady, answer the question!”

Malcolm sprung to his feet. “I object! Your Honor, my esteemed colleague never asked a question! Ms. Beth can’t answer that!”

The Prosecutor was shaken by Malcolm’s cleverness (or perhaps it was his extremely brilliant smile or faint English accent). “Your Honor, I’ll rephrase.” She turned back to Beth. “Ms. Beth, don’t you feel there is something odd about claiming to be friends with Ms. DM?”

“No.”

The Judge exploded angrily! “I’ll not have this type of goings on in my courtroom! What kind of answer is that?” He glared at Beth. “Well, answer me!”

“Well, I apologize, Your Honor, I can see why you would be frustrated but I would like to point out that the Prosecutor did ask a closed-ended question. By phrasing the question in this manner, she made it possible for me to answer either yes or no.” Beth exchanged a brief smile with DM. “Perhaps, if the Prosecutor would have read her disclosures…I mean law texts…she would have asked me an open-ended question, one that would force me to answer in a much more expansive manner.”