Last Comic Standing Update - Proof I am the Queen of the Universe

Todd Glass is gone! Todd Glass is gone! I am happy! Lalalalalala! Sorry. I was having a moment.

Have the people on LCS forgotten that this is a game? C'mon. There's nothing personal about this. During the photo booth section of the program, you keep getting the reaction shots of people whenever someone said that they were funnier than them. The look of betrayal, the "How could they say that?" sentiment running across the faces was priceless. And John Heffron's teary speech when he came back to the house? As much as I love him, I did have to roll my eyes over that. Ant was superb last night and so deserved immunity. I know he was lying through his teeth but still, it was great to watch everyone get shot down by him.

They left a little too much out of the scene between Ant and Corey Holcomb but I can almost guarantee I know what happened. Todd Glass, being an annoying "I'm always in your face" prick, probably made a comment about the fact that Ant is gay and used a not so nice word. So Ant probably commented back about how that's not an appropriate word, it would be like using the "N" word. I don't know that for sure, of course, because they didn't show that. I'm sure that's what happened though. Corey so took it too far but I think Ant should have apologized for offending him immediately and then explained why he said it. But that's me. What really ticked me off was Todd running off the mouth about how Ant shouldn't have said anything. I was screaming at the television set "Well, you started it. Jerk!" Yes, my roommates think I'm insane. What ticks me off is last week, it was okay for Corey to make comments about how he just knows Ant wants to sleep with him. And this week, he gets to throw a hissy fit. Did you see Ant stomping around last week like a baby? No, you did not.

Okay, so here's the proof that I am the Queen of the Universe. Last week, I wanted Bonnie gone. She is gone. This week, I wanted Todd gone and, even though I grudgingly admit he was very funny last night, Tammy Pescatelli nudged him out by 5%. I was so scared she was going to lose. I'm hoping Corey's next and then my world is complete. I still haven't decided who I want to win. I'm torn between Ant, Kathleen Madigan, John Heffron and Alonzo Bodden.

Does anyone else hate how long Jay Mohr will pause before he tells us who won? That just annoys me.

I've been googled!

I'm really, really scared that someone found my blog this way through Google.

Apparently, there is more of a call for feline dominatrixes than I thought. Here is the post that led to this odd googling. I am thinking that this person is probably very disappointed. Oh, well.

Interesting links

I found some interesting links the other day on a random blog surf. These are funny and yet horrible. Matt, you will love them.

10 Worst album covers
10 more worst album covers

Apparently someone posted the covers but this guy has actually come up with captions. Funny in an "I'm so going to hell" way.

Previous Comments:
At 2:55 AM, brooksba said...
Dana,

OMG! How did I miss this one originally? The first link goes to a blank page now but the second link had be crying tears of laughter. And I am going to hell for laughing. There's no doubt.

Why isn't this blog a link on the side of your site?

Beth

Why I Don't Drive

This topic comes up every once in awhile. If I mention that I have to find a ride to work because Keem isn't working that day, people want to know why. If you (me, 37, reasonably intelligent adult) tell them that you don't have a driver's license, you get a lot of strange looks. I know what's going through their heads (must be because of a DWI) but that's not it. I've never had my license. I've had my permit twice but there is just something that keeps me from taking that big step. And that would be because I'm scared. Okay? I've said it. Whew. That felt pretty good.

Here are the two main reasons why:
Mom and I are going to Yellowstone on one of the vacations from Hell. I have just received my shiny new permit at the age of 18! Mom decides to let me drive. Okay, now no one told me that you couldn't drive out of state on a permit so already breaking the law (and yes, I know that it's on the back of the permit. Now). I'm driving down the highway, towing a camper, and all of a sudden the camper flies open and one of the mattresses goes whooshing out and hits the highway. Mom screams "Stop the car," I do. She hops out and goes running down the side of the highway to get the mattress. When she is less than a yard away, here comes this car. These two people jump out of the car, grab the mattress and drive off as my mother is screaming at them and shaking her fist (because, yeah, that's scary). She fumes back to the car, fastens the camper back together and proceeds to yell at me, even though she is the one who packed the camper and didn't latch it properly. It is my fault. Why? Because I'm the one that's driving. Yeah. It still doesn't make sense 19 years later.

Same trip. Mom is terrified of driving through the mountains. So she elects that I, with my shiny new permit, will drive. I am doing fine until we hit the 19 miles of road construction. Picture it. The divided two lane highway is no more. The left side of the highway is closed and all that is keeping me from oncoming traffic is those little thin orange poles (because those will be so helpful in stopping a car accident). On my right, I am overlooking a mountain. Sheer drop down. In front of me is 19 miles of cars going the speed limit so I, as well as everyone behind me, should be content with going the speed limit, right? Ha. No, Mr. Semi Truck Driver behind me is not pleased with the fact that I am only able to go as fast as everyone in front of me. He is looming over the tiny car (and camper) and my mother freaks. This is actual dialouge (Please, I couldn't make this stuff up. Who would believe me?):

Mom (hysterical, convinced she is going to die) - "Pull over! Pull over!"

DM (very calmly) - "Mom. If I pull over to the left, I'll drive into oncoming traffic and we will die. If I pull over to the right, we will drive off the cliff and we will die. If I stop right here, that semi will crawl up our ass and we will die. Now. What would you suggest I do?"

Mom (after brief moment) - "You know, sarcasm is not very becoming."

She's never understood me.

Previous Comments:
At 4:00 AM, Robert ~ Marlénè said...
I didn't learn to drive until I was 29, I had plenty of friends with cars and pretty good public transit service; but it was fear that drove me to it (pardon the pun)... driving around with my Grandmother, who has the reaction speed of a lobotomized amoeba, who can't turn her head far enough to see her blind spot, who simply panicked if someone tailgated her (and she always drove at least five mph below the speed limit so there was always someone tailgating her), was so scary that I learned to drive just so I could chauffeur her around. And of course, I enjoyed it so much that I do it all the time now just for fun.

I need reading material!

Okay. I need help. I need something new to read. Any suggestions, blogging world?

Recently read:
The DaVinci Code: Well-researched, interesting, yes. Irritating, aggravating, yes. It is a page-turner, I will give you that. This would be because the chapters are only one to two pages long and each single one ends on a cliff hanger.

The Devil Wears Prada - I liked this about as much as I liked The Nanny Diaries. Yes, it was interesting, yes, it was funny. But why do I want to read about smart, orientated young women who completely lose themselves working for a complete jackass? I've had that job.

What I'm relying on now to keep me from being deprived of the written word.

Many, many random blogs.

Nora Roberts: Yes, she is a romance author. Yes, my life is devoid of romance. She happens to be the best one I've found who doesn't make it all about sex and she makes me laugh and cry. So there.

JK Rowling: The Harry Potter books for the 3rd time. I'm midway book 3.

Any suggestions?

Previous Comments:
At 10:35 AM, Serialangel said...
Rebecca by DeMaurier(sp?) I've heard its good-its about the evilness of the 'other woman' and includes love and madness and jealousy...

At 12:51 PM, Robert ~ Marlénè said...
Whenever I get a chance, I recommend Dorothy L. Sayers' Lord Peter Wimsey mysteries. Start with the Harriet Vane stories: Strong Poison, Have His Carcase, Gaudy Night (my absolute all-time fave), and Busman's Honeymoon (there's also the posthumous novel, Thrones, Dominations which I also highly reccomend); then if you liked those, move on to the other greats like Murder Must Advertise, The Unplesantness at the Bellona Club, and Lord Peter Views the Body. These are the most beautifully-written novels I can think of off the top of my head, and a great inspiration to me.

At 8:47 AM, flea said...
Did somebody say "I need book suggestions"?

The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Neffenberger
The Poisonwood Bible - by Barbara Kingsolver
Geek Love - by Katherine Dunn (one of the weirder stories you'll read, but totally compelling)She's Come Undone - by Wally Lamb
Naked - by David Sedaris
Little Children: A Novel - by Tom Perrotta

You'll want to read all these over and over, I promise!

I'm mad as heck and I'm not going to take it anymore

Or Why I want to go to Chicago and kick some ass.

Read this if you want to know what I'm vanting about today. Or, just hold on for the ride. So I mentioned I've been reading One Good Thing, right? Really getting into the stories Flea tells about her family and her job and having a great time? Well, her last post (June 26th) really ticked me off. Oh, I'm not upset with her, I am upset with the stupid woman who lives in her neighborhood that dared to make these horrid accusations without any basis in fact.

Here's the thing, people. I don't have kids, so maybe I can't understand everything about child raising but I do know this. You can not witness one event and decide, right then and there, that you know what this person's parenting skills are like and that they are a "bad parent." I'm sorry. It doesn't work that way.

This happened to a former friend of mine once. He was at Target, filling a prescription for his son who had an extremely bad ear infection when his son said he didn't feel good. Brought him to the bathroom and whoosh, kid is sick all over the place. Turns out that the shot of antibiotics the doctor gave him caused an allergic reaction. So, seeing his girlfriend was waiting to check out, he decided to take said kid out to the car and wait with him until she finished. On the way to the car, some complete stranger starts in on him about what a horrible father he is and that he had better not punish his boy for throwing up. How dare he take the kid shopping when he was sick? How dare he make the child sit in the car by himself? And on and on. Knowing nothing of the situation, the guy decides to take it upon himself to brand my friend as a bad parent.

Working for a department store, I witnessed a father try to keep his son from smacking his baby sister in the head with a toy. The kid was not responding well to his father and kept on hitting her, even after the toy was taken away. Dad finally said "If you hit your sister one more time, I will spank you." Kid does it again. Dad takes kid out of the cart, taps him once or twice on the butt and puts him back in the cart. Didn't hurt him, just made him think about what he was doing. Some old woman comes running up, screaming about how she's calling the cops on him for child abuse. Why? He didn't use a belt, he didn't whale on the kid with a baseball bat, but, because he disciplined his child, he was a bad parent.

Kids are tricky. I know this because I used to be a kid, I used to babysit and I now have a nephew. They think nothing of trying to get away from Mom for a few minutes to explore. I used to drive my Mom crazy anytime we went to Target because I'd always disappear on her. Until she figured out that I headed straight for the book section and started checking there first before panicking.

So, to Flea, all I have to say is I am sorry that this stupid woman thought she knew everything about you and your family, I am glad that your neighbors stuck up for you and I am thrilled that Alex and Christopher are okay.

And to this woman in Chicago, you are just lucky that I a) don't know who you are, b) don't drive and c) am surrounded by sane people who prevent me from taking road trips o'revenge. And who the hell cares if her kids wear shoes? Hello? It's summer? I'd be barefoot all the time if I could get away with it. You want to go yell at my Mom for awhile? I dare you. She'd kick your ass.

Okay. The birds have shut up finally. I'm going to try and sleep again.

Yes, I get the idea that Morning Has Broken but shut up already!

I like birds. I always have. While I'm not a bird watcher, per se, I do like to watch birds. By that, of course, I mean I don't need to know the Latin names of different birds, I don't need binoculars, I am not obsessed with sighting a certain bird before I die. No, I just like to look at them outside, hopping around on their little bird legs, making the occasional chirping sound, and doing whatever it is that birds do each day.

Now, it is 5:30 on Sunday morning. I am at Beth's, trying to sleep in her office chair, the balcony door is open because, as an overweight person, I can't sleep if I'm too hot, and, for the last hour, I have been listening to a damned bird symphony.

I did fall asleep for about 20 minutes and just woke up, scared to death because I heard this horrid racket. I almost fell out of the chair trying to figure out what the noise was.

And then I realized I couldn't blame the birds this time. No, the godawful noise was me. Snoring. I have a feeling this is going to be a very long day.

I am the worst friend in the world

Last night I was going to go over and help Beth with packing, in preparation of the big move on Sunday. I don't know what happened, if it was the fact that I didn't get a lot of sleep or if it was something I ate, but I ended up not going because I got sick. Long story short, while I am still feeling nauseous, I'm not throwing up anymore and now I feel like crap for a completely other reason.

Beth has always been there for me. Always. Even if she is sick, even if it means driving from Fridley to Saint Paul to pick me up, even if it means borrowing me money because I screwed up my checkbook once again. She has never been too busy for me or blown me off because she found cooler friends to hang out with or told people horrible lies because it's fun to make Dana cry.

I'm sorry, Beth. I should have been there last night. I will be there tonight. It will not kill me to sleep on the floor, that's what ibuprofen is for. And it's not like you didn't help me pack and move an entire apartment in 12 hours, in July, without air conditioning.

I don't think friends get much better than you and Keem. I love you both. Now maybe I can just prove it for once without being so concerned about myself.

Progressions into madness

2:05 PM and the descent into insanity is continuing. I have (thank you to One Good Thing) discovered a new site. It is called Candyboots.com and it is home to the Weight Watcher cards circa 1974. Not only do you have the frightening images that the cooking gurus at Weight Watchers came up with to showcase their food, you also have the charming prose of Wendy to describe what you're looking at.

I am snorting with laughter. Eddy has opened one eye and closed it, letting me know that I am insane. But you look at this and tell me you don't get it, that it doesn't make you almost spit your Diet Coke with Lime out all over the monitor. Go on, I dare you.

3:39 PM. I am bored. Bored, bored, bored. Yet still amused by everything I am reading. I want to call Keem and tell her to lavish attention on me but she has gone to LaCrosse for the weekend. And I do not have her cell phone number.

I am the worst friend in the world. I bet Beth has Keem's cell phone number.

I am now reading 2 sites at the same time. When One Good Thing has a link I will click it and then, while waiting for the computer to load, I will go to another site she has linked and read that one. And if that person recommends a site, I will go to that one. And so on and so on. I think I am lost in the internet. It's kind of fun.

I am now going to communicate with Keem telephatically. Here goes.

Keem! KEEEEEEEEEEM! The kitties miss you! They are crying for you pathetically! Yes. I fed them. Yes. I cleaned Bob's litter box.

I really need to get some sleep.

3:54 PM - Remember to ask Beth about the roaches episode on X-Files. She is my X-Files guru.

4:14 PM - Oh, dear God in Heaven. This is so very wrong. Wrong. I am a Christian and this offends me in so many ways. Let's preach some hatred and intolerance to children. But Lambuel dress-up is kind of fun.

Lament of the Unloved (Or - Bob and Eddy miss Keem and are telling DM in really unsubtle ways)

I have now reached that state where, even though I am tired, I know I will not sleep. I will drift aimlessly through the rest of the day, listening to Bob whine because A) I am not Keem and B) he wants to frolic in the hallway and I won't let him.

Eddy is lying on Keem's bed. Each day, before we leave for work, Keem makes her bed (I don't understand this concept but hey, whatever floats your boat, right?) and every night, when we get back home, there are random amounts of cat toys on the bed. Sometimes they are in a row. There isn't any rhyme or reason to the cat toys, other than his favorite one seems to be the long white ferrety looking thing and the pink mouse with the exceptionally long tail. Sometimes, while we are watching TV, you will hear him calling to her from the bedroom. This pathetic yowling that somehow is supposed to encourage her to drop everything and rush to his side and attend to his urgent petting needs.

He's watching me now, as I type this. He has that inscrutable cat look on his face, that look that says "I may look like I'm falling asleep but I know you are talking about me and how dare you sit at that computer because you are not Keem and I love Keem and I tolerate you even though I am supposed to technically be your cat and you can't do anything as well as Keem does." Do you know why he loves her more than me? Because she gives him wet cat food. Yep. That's it. Wet cat food is how you win my cat's heart. Now, of course, when he throws it up, you would think that she would be the one that cleans it up, right? And I respond with NO! Well, actually she does more often than I but that's not the point.

The point is that the cats like Keem better than me and that is not fair.

Lunchtime

Yes. I am still awake. I will be taking a break from my exciting day of surfing the internet and go and find something to eat.

Meanwhile, I just thought I would let you all know that my cat is insane. I am reading more entertaining stories from One Good Thing and I hear this strange scratching noise. Hmm, what is that? Here, Eddy has, deliberately, jumped from the back of the chair into the laundry basket (it's one of those deep baskets on wheels that can also be used as a grocery cart). Now, this is normal cat behavior, right? I'm sure he and Bob (Keem's cat) have discussions on the cool places to hide in the apartment daily.

No, what is odd here is that he makes these skritching noises, I glance over at the cart and then he slowly rises up in the cart to look at me and then, slowly lowers himself back down. My cat is playing peekaboo. Okay, maybe that's not so odd but I am functioning on approximately 4 hours of sleep. I am easily amused.

Staplers are not our friends

If you are are a member of my family and witnessed the infamous day now entitled The Fish Hook Saga or a friend of mine who has given into my entreaties to "Please, please, please read my blog!," you are aware of the fact that, occasionally, my brain completely ceases all function and my body carries on and does whatever the heck it wants.

This is not something that started recently. It cannot be termed a senior moment (because, damn it, I'm only 37. I am not that old). This is something that has been happening since I was five. Yes. Five (5).

So Mom has brought me to the Babysitter. The Babysitter (I wish I remembered her name. I loved her. I hated her annoying son, though) is watching me alternately entertain myself by reading (as much as I'd love to say it was Shakespeare, I didn't actually pick him until I was 12) and watching televison. Probably Electric Company. Does anyone remember Electric Company? It was so cool. Okay, back on tangent. The Babysitter glances at me, I am engrossed in whatever I am doing and she says "Dana, I am going to go to the bathroom. Please stay where you are." I look at her blankly, the look that I normally get when interrupted from reading and agree.

Babysitter leaves the room. I hear the bathroom door shut. Suddenly, I am galvanized into action and decide to wander around the room. I vaguely remember looking at the bookshelf and staring at it in fascination. Then I found myself standing in front of Mr. Babysitter's desk. On his desk is a large stapler. Hmm. This stapler has a gap between stapler part A and stapler part B (no I don't know their names but please, who hasn't seen a stapler) that is the perfect size for me to put my five-year-old (right) thumb. I do so. Then, obviously possessed by demons, I reach out with my left hand and hit stapler part A. Which results in a sharp two-pronged pointy thing becoming imbedded in my thumb.

I don't remember screaming. I just remember Babysitter coming back into the room and asking me what I was doing. I turned to her, tears rolling down my face, and held my thumb out to her. "Oh My God!" She screams. "What were you thinking?"

"What were you thinking?" This question has followed me throughout my life. And the answer is, of course, "Well, duh. I wasn't."

I don't know what made me think of this. Oh, thumb emerged unscathed. In case you were wondering.

Previous comments:

1 Comments:
At 3:07 AM, brooksba said...
Dana,

Ah, the stapler story. I think this should end up in the "WWIT" category and under the sub-category: inanimate objects are not my friends.

This and the Fish Hook Saga. They need to be there. As you can see, I'm reading your old posts and leaving random comments. The question is, "Will you figure out which posts the comments are on?"

See you later tonight! I'm excited!

Beth

One Good Thing

It is 10:25 AM. I am still awake (obviously). But that's okay. I am reading One Good Thing archives and truly enjoying myself. I've made it through August, 2003 and it is so much fun to read her adventures in parenting and her business.

I have mentioned that I love the blogger.com world before. I have "met" so many interesting people through this experience and only wish I would have discovered it before. It's a great way for my friends to share our experiences and, in Matt's case, extreme insanity with each other but also a lot of fun for me to find new things. And then babble about it to my friends at 2 in the morning.

Anyway, that's it. I'm sure I'll be back later, maybe after I find some more cool links to play with. Ciao.

In the name of all that is holy, why am I awake?

It is 9 AM on Friday. I don't work on Fridays. I don't have overtime today. I should be curled up in bed with Hippo and Eddy (cat. My cat. Who thinks he belongs to Keem). Especially since I didn't get home until 4 AM. And I've been up for an hour.

An up note. All this glorious awakeness (yes, I am being sarcastic) has allowed me to finish The DaVinci Code. Which is the reason I am awake right now. Because I was having a stupid dream in which I was being chased by nameless monks who wanted me to either forge a painting for them or smuggle the painting. I'm not sure. And Michael Flately was there and we kept being discovered because he couldn't stop doing the stupid River Dance. Yes. I am serious. Trying to sneak through Customs and he decides to perform for the masses. Is it any wonder that I grabbed the security guard's gun and shot him? While speaking perfect French? Update, Matt called and I remembered what the subtitles said when I shot Flately "Michael. You bastard. You must die." Of course, when I'm telling Matt, I do this weird cross between Ahnold and Abba. "Mykile. You bahstad. You must dah."

I am blaming Beth and Matt for this dream. Beth because she let me read The DaVinci Code and Matt for his last post. Although Beth, being logical, will tell me that I can't blame her for my dream, it is obviously the result of an overactive imagination. And to that I reply, "Fine. Then it's Dan Brown's fault."

Please, God, just hit me over the head with something heavy. Then, maybe, I'll sleep.

Previous comments:

At 3:09 AM, brooksba said...

It is Dan's fault.

Read a book! Go blind!

So Kari tells me last night that she was talking to her doctor about the precious screaming child that is my nephew and she expressed concern about eyesight. While Kari does need glasses or contacts, her vision is not that bad. Eric's eyesight is perfect. But Kari is concerned that Josh may inherit my bad eyesight (without glasses, I can't read anything further away than six inches. And it's really, really blurry). The doctor told her it wasn't just about heredity, environment is a factor as well.

Here it turns out that the fact that I am an avid reader has contributed to my poor eyesight. Does that just suck or what? I guess it does make sense, even when Mom wouldn't let me bring a book to the table, I would start reading the cereal box out of desperation. May I say how much I love being an adult? That's just sad. I'm excited about being able to read wherever I want.

Speaking of words - here's a cool website. www.etymologic.com - Ever thought you knew a lot about where word meanings come from? I did. And I have been proven terribly, terribly wrong.

Question of the Day - What strikes terror into your heart

Babies. They are small and fragile and make a lot of noise.

Josh doesn't know me very well because I don't drive and so, I don't get to see him very often. Today is Kari's birthday (Happy b-day, little sister!) and the husband and her decided to leave their only child in my hands while they went out to eat.

It was horrible. He started crying five minutes after they walked out the door...no, strike that. He started screaming. Loud "You are torturing me and I will be in therapy for life" screams. I finally get him to calm down, well, actually Keem did. And she did so much. She walked into the room, he looked at her and must have thought "Oh, look, there's a complete stranger. I love her so much more than my aunt," and calmed down. Then, when she left to do laundry, he started screaming again.

The kid is seriously giving me a complex. But, hey, reconfirming my belief that I am just not mother material. I can't wait until he's six. I look forward to having long discussions about the merits of Shakespeare.

In honor of Beth's post today,

You are Barefoot!
You're a total free spirit, go with the flow girl
You can't be restricted by shoes for very long
And unsuprisingly, the same goes for men
Your match is out there - and he's as carefree as you are (and probably on another planet, ah the horrors of intergalatic dating)

Take This Quiz :-)
Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.



This is what summer was all about to me. Being completely free. No shoes or socks. That is one of the things I hate about getting older. You lose that toughness on the bottom of your feet that made it able for you to walk on hot pavement or over gravel without any problem.

Last Comic Standing Update - Bonnie is gone! Woo-hoo!

Quick update because God knows, I need to go to bed.

Corey Holcomb completely ticked me off tonight. When they are discussing the roommate situation, he talks about how he is rooming with Ant, who happens to be gay. So Corey mentions how he doesn't like the fact that Ant is looking at him. And he says he'll be sleeping with a golf club. Now, maybe he was trying to be funny but Ant said it himself, Corey is a homophobe. Well, Mr. Holcomb, I have to tell you that you probably don't have anything to worry about. I really can't see Ant trying to make his way into your bed. You're not good looking, you're not that funny and, you know what, just because a man is gay, doesn't mean he automatically wants to sleep with you. Okay, okay, calming down.

Todd Glass really annoys me. I hope he goes soon but Tammy Pescatelli has a great point - he is too strong. Then she went on this whole Sicillian thing about you winnow out the people around him...a little scary but probably very true.

Bonnie is gone. She decided to challenge John Heffron. This was a huge mistake because he is absolutely hilarious and her best joke is about anorexia...which, hey, really isn't that funny. The final vote was either 94% - 6% or 95% - 5%, Keem and I couldn't agree.

Anyway, that's all for tonight. I am still fuming that Dan Naturman didn't make it to the house because the man is brilliant and so outclasses Todd Glass and Corey Holcomb. I will probably get over it eventually.

Good night, all.

Previous comments:

At 12:10 PM, Jerry said...
It was a great show last night. You're right, Corey's "all gay men are out to rape me" attitude was really offensive, but Ant seemed to handle it well by just kind of rolling his eyes about it. My favorite moment was when the HBO executive came out of her "disguise" by taking off her glasses and letting her hair down -- wow, what a shocking twist!!!!

At 8:35 PM, CarpeDM said...
Yeah, I noticed that. And wow, she looked so different - like anyone would know who she is anyway.

Question of the day - Who is your favorite artist?

Beth and I had a discussion the other day about art. We were reminiscing about our visit to Las Vegas and viewing the Monet exhibit. It was the first time I got what "Impressionist" meant. If you've never seen an impressionist painting up close, you won't truly understand it either. When you stand two inches away from the canvas and actually see the intricate brush strokes and realize that you're not actually looking a painting of a tree or a woman or a cathedral, you are looking at a bunch of random paint splotches that convey the feeling. Then you'll get it.

Well, anyway, Beth mentioned that Matt's favorite artist was Salvador Dali. The only response I had to that was "Well, yeah, that makes sense. He writes like Dali paints."

At the time, I told Beth I didn't have a favorite artist, I just like different styles of art, but I prefer abstract (I'm not really surprised by that). I have realized, though, that I do have a favorite artist. I think it takes a lot of talent to bring across your meaning with only a few lines. I am fascinated by the work of Ty Wilson. Kari had this poster and I badgered her for years before I was able to convince her to let me have it. I believe I will have to buy this for myself when I get my next bonus check. I would love one of the serigraphs but, yeah, not going to happen at $350. Oh, well.

Keem wouldn't tell me who her favorite artist is. She is mean.

Question of the day - Using only a few words, how would you describe love?

My answer would be "Josh's smile." The absolute joy on his face - that's what love should be like all the time. 

The Royal Heir to my throne

okay, no, I don't actually have a throne. Yet. This is the picture of the most beautiful baby in the universe, my nephew Josh. I adore him. 

What do you give the woman who has everything?

The monkey was one of my Christmas presents for Beth. I do theme gifts. 2004 is the year of the monkey. It makes sense.

Previous Comments

At 3:11 AM, brooksba said...
Monkey!

Matt, Beth and Me at a Karaoke Christmas party

Some of the best people in the universe. Matt and Beth are great and we always have a good time when we're together. Keem refuses to let me blog her but I'm working on it. If only to prove that she really does exsist.

Previous comments

Post a Comment

At 3:11 AM, brooksba said...
What a great night. Every time I see that picture I think of how friendship = love.

Karaoke is love too.

Yes, I sing with my eyes closed (About A Boy reference)

Here I am, singing at a karaoke party last December. I am probably singing "Change the World" 

Karaoke Vant Part 1 - The Rules of Karaoke

I believe I've mentioned before that Beth and I are karaoke junkies. Now, usually, when karaoke is mentioned, most people groan and say that they would have to be drunk to get up onstage and sing. This is not the case for Beth and myself. In fact, Beth mentioned last night that any student of Human Nature should walk into a bar on any night, sit back with a refreshing non-alcoholic beverage and observe. We subscribe to the belief that you don't need to be drunk to have a good time.

With that said, let's talk about our rules for karaoke. They aren't difficult, in fact, I think you'll find them to be quite simple.

Rule #1 - It takes a lot of guts to get up and sing. If someone is pouring out their soul onstage, please have the common courtesy to make sure they can be heard. While it may be great fun for you and your buddies to discuss past football games or have an argument with your girlfriend at the top of your lungs, not everyone cares, okay? If we didn't like karaoke, if we didn't want to witness it being performed, we wouldn't go to a karaoke bar. Okay? I certainly don't come here for the Diet Coke.

Rule #2 - No matter how bad the person singing is, they deserve applause. You don't have to give them a standing ovation, you don't have to hoop and holler, just clap, okay?

Rule #3 - This is actually more of a suggestion. If you know you suck, are really drunk or have never sang in public before and want to try singing, you may want to pick a song that everyone knows and loves. Some suggestions are any of the Dixie Chicks more bouncy songs, "Cecelia," "Build Me Up, Buttercup" and anything by Neil Diamond. Neil Diamond rocks.

See? Simple, straight to the point and makes it fun for everyone.

Previous comments

At 3:18 AM, brooksba said...

Rule #4:

If you can't sing at all, cute dances help.

Rule #5:

It doesn't matter what you sing, if you're cute. And smile. And are funny. And smart. And did I mention cute?

Karoke Vant, Part 2. An amendment to the afforementioned Karaoke Rules

I know that Rule #3 says, "pick a song that everyone knows." But if you'll remember, it says "knows AND loves." If you were to ask me what the absolute worst possible song anyone could ever sing at karaoke, I would be able to answer you honestly that it is "Picture" by Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock. This song makes me cringe even more than such classics as "Achy Breaky Heart," "Summer Nights (From Grease, great song if you can sing but if you can't, oh, God, please stop torturing me!)" and "Tequila (there are two times you say the word tequila. If you are so drunk you can't do that right, you shouldn't be on stage!)"

Now, I will be the first to admit that Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow do a good job of singing this song, there's a nice harmony between them. Beth sang it one night with another karaoke buff, Michael (no, not Hippo Michael) and they did a great job. But if you can't sing, as the drunk girls proved last night, don't even try it. This song violates Karaoke Rule #3. If you can't sing, pick a song everyone likes so they can sing along with it.

I hate this song. It astounds me that people actually think this is a romantic song about star-crossed lovers. It's not. It's a song about drunken, drug abusing, tramps that can't stand to be alone for 3 minutes, let alone 3 days! Let's take a look at the song closer, shall we? My opinion is in italics.

Kid Rock:
Livin my life in a slow hell, different girl every night at the hotel.
I ain't seen the sunshine in three damn days
Been fuelin' up on cocaine and whiskey, wish I had a good girl to miss me
Lord I wonder if I'll ever change my ways
I put your picture away, sat down and cried today
I can't look at you while I'm lying next to her
I put your picture away, sat down and cried today
I can't look at you while I'm lying next to her

Okay, so let's dissect what the male has to say here (This is my version and should not be confused for the actual viewpoint of Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow) . "Baby, I know I left you 3 days ago but hey, I couldn't handle it so I went out and found 3 different girls, one for each night, and did a lot of drugs and got drunk. I miss you so bad. I hope you're missing me, 'cause I'm such a catch. Oh, and I don't want to think about you while I'm boffing some bimbo so I put your picture away. That's romantic, right?"

Sheryl Crow:
I called you last night in the hotel, everyone knows but they won't tell
But their half-hearted smiles tell me somethin' just ain't right.
I've been waitin' on you for a long time, fuelin' up on heartaches and cheap wine
I ain't heard from you in three damn nights.
I put your picture away, I wonder where you been
I can't look at you while I'm lyin' next to him
I put your picture away, I wonder where you been
I can't look at you while I'm lyin' next to him

And here we have the plaintive melody of the female part (again, see disclaimer above). "Baby, I know something's going on. I know you're a no good, dirty, rotten cheater and a drug addict and an alcoholic but gosh darnit, I love you so. I'm going to sit around and get drunk off of some cheap wine. Oh, it's been so tough these last 3 nights. I had to go and find your best friend, Billy, and he's been keeping me company but I feel real darn guilty about it."

Together:
I saw you yesterday with an old friend (Sheryl Crow)
It was the same old same how've you been? (Kid Rock)
Since you've been gone, my world's been dark and grey (Together)
You reminded me of brighter days (Kid Rock)
I hoped you were comin' home to stay (Sheryl Crow)
I was headed to church (Sheryl Crow)
I was off to drink you away (Kid Rock)

And look, our couple has been reunited! How wonderful! But wait, they don't seem to be declaring their eternal love for one another. The woman has decided to go to church, perhaps to pray for forgiveness for being an idiot. The male has decided to go and get drunk and if the days were so much brighter, why'd you break up in the first place?

Together:
I thought about you for a long time, can't seem to get you off my mind
I can't understand why we're living life this way.
I found your picture today, I swear I'll change my ways
I just called to say I want you to come back home
I found your picture today, I swear I'll change my ways
I just called to say I want you to come back home
I just called to say I love you, come back home

Is there any wonder why I hate this song? Honestly. I thought about you for a long time? You've been gone for 3 days and you've both used this time so well - in drunken orgies! This is not a couple that is going to make it.

So, in essence, if you come to The Chalet on a Sunday night and you sing this song, I may have to shoot you. I probably won't because Beth says she'll miss me if I go to prison but still, it's not like I haven't given you fair warning.

Random musings from a karaoke filled Sunday - Whoo!

Update - I went through this and alternated colors between different points of thought. So, blue and black don't really mean anything, it's just the start of a new thought.

Beth is performing a beautiful rendition of "Son of a Preacher Man."

Are all eyes upon her? No. Instead the focus is on the table closest to the stage.

Is it a gentleman and his lady love who are exchanging vows of eternal bliss this starry evening? No, it is not.

Apparently, the war raging that we are all forced to witness, is between a drunken man and his girlfriend's friend. Something to do with how he doesn't appreciate her sitting behind him when he is driving and making fun of him when he is pulled over by a cop. It was hard to make a lot of sense out of what he was saying. And I didn't care.

The point is, dammit, Beth and I are here at The Chalet to sing and listen and have a good time. It is difficult to do that when you are forced to listen to other patrons drunken conversations.

Beth is trying a new song tonight, "The Thunder Rolls." It's interesting hearing it sung by a woman - she puts a more plaintive twist to the words and the melody. Almost as if she is who the song is about.

Okay, dammit. I just told the drunk girls the amendment to the Rules of Karaoke. I just said "If you sing the song Picture, I will be forced to shoot you." I have given them fair warning. Beth will not let me shoot them because she didn't hear me say it. That and I don't actually have a gun. This is probably a good thing. I am going to the bathroom, I can't sit through this.

Beth let me know what I missed by going to the bathroom to save myself from Death Row, the interpretive dance to "Picture." Beth said it was a cross between New Kids on the Block meets Roger Rabbit. Beth has demonstrated it. I am very frightened.

I am walking up to sing "Change the World" and one of the drunk girls (the one with the boyfriend) asks "Can you sing a song about a broken heart?" I respond with "How about one about unrequieted love?" I didn't hear what she said after that, Beth did. Apparently she cocked her head to one side, eyes completely vacant and said "I don't know what that is?"

Dean's here! Way cool. Dean is awesome. His water is in a Leinenkugel's Honey Weiss Bier glass. It has a picture of a walleye on the back and says "This member of the perch family loves the cold, deep waters of large lakes and rivers." What the hell is this?

There is this guy who comes to karaoke named "Jumpin' John" - he has been on the news because he walks everywhere (? yeah, I know. I don't get it either). Anyway, whenever he sings, he really gets into acting everything out. Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's scary...mainly it's fun. Anyway, tonight, he is performing "Pinball Wizard" which he really gets into...sings with his eyes shut, does the hand movements like he's playing pinball, even will hip check the non-existent machine. You have to be there. It's amazing.

He shut up the drunk table. He is the Karaoke King. The man is a god.

"Ice cubes down the back. What a lovely way of sayin' how much you love me." The new version of "Havin' My Baby"

Drunk table. Drunk girlfriend drops ice cubes down drunk boyfriend's shirt. He is not pleased.

After I sing "Tainted Love," drunk girl (I have no idea which one anymore, they're both blonde, thin and annoying) comments "I like you. Can you sing all night?" Which sounds like a compliment but with the amount of beer she's been drinking could be influencing her a little. Instead of beer goggles, she's wearing her beer headphones. Although I am glorious in many ways, that's not my best song. It's still fun to sing.

Heard from loud table in the back (not drunk table but getting close) - "That's exactly why they won't let me be Queen!" No clue.


Beth - "I think you should sing Ooh Poo Pah Doo (Yes. This is an actual song.)"
Dana - "I think you should stop smoking crack."

Dana (after asking Beth to repeat herself twice) - "I hear your lips moving but I can't see what you're saying."

And you wonder why I don't drink.

Question of the Day - See below.

If you had to pick the person you've known or met who, with charisma alone, could have seduced you, who would it be?

I have loved Greek men from the time I was 13 and discovered Greek mythology. When other girls were discovering boys, I was using my Barbie and Ken dolls to act out scenes from Homer's Illiad and The Odyessy. I wanted to change my name from Dana to Danae (Perseus's mother) but Mom said no.

So when I met aforementioned Michael at the Bank of DM, I fell under his spell immediately. He was short, hairy and Greek with an amazing personality. And he was extremely distracting. I was talking to Adam one day and stopped in mid-sentence, staring off over Adam's shoulder. He turned around and there was Michael, changing the bottle in the water cooler. Needless to say, all my conversational skills were gone for the day.

He moved on to another job years ago and, while I'm no longer as obsessed with him as I once was, I'm glad I met him. He was a great guy and I wish him the best of luck in everything he does.

Random thoughts on a Sunday morning

I keep waking up at night, anywhere between 3:30-4:30. While it is lovely to wake up in the middle of the night and realize that you can go back to bed for several hours before you have to get up for work, it is far lovelier to wake up in the middle of the night and realize that you can sleep in because it’s your day off. What sucks is waking up in the middle of the night, realizing that it’s 4:30 and your alarm is going off for a reason. Whose bright idea was it for me to start working at 5:30 on Sunday morning? Oh, that’s right, it was mine.

I like the Tazo tea bottles. They amuse me. The tea’s pretty good as well. My favorite of the bottled teas is Brambleberry (Marion blackberry and apple juice with tea). Of course, I’ve only had two kinds so I’m not an expert.

I am a horrid, horrid friend. I was going to call Beth back last night after my cell phone cut out in the parking ramp - once I got into the apartment. I forgot. “Beth, are you there? No, you’re not. I think I have lost you. Yes, you are gone.” I am sorry, Beth. Please forgive me.

Is it wrong that I am checking out young boys on a Sunday? I’m going to be struck dead, aren’t I? Well, he was at least 16 because he was working at the local gas station and drove a decent Mustang. Maybe he was closer to 18. Who can tell? I think you have to be 18 to work the overnight shift in Minnesota. Anyway, he was cute. Keem paid more attention to his bad parking job than his glorious brown eyes. I feel sorry for her sometimes.

Karaoke tonight with Beth. I am looking forward to it. Keem, Beth and I are going to go see Dodgeball tomorrow night (Mmm, Vince Vaugh, Ben Stiller, hot black guy in spandexy outfit). There are many summer movies I want to see.
Spiderman 2 (Mmm, Tobey Macquire (He's cute in a nerdy way), Alfred Molina, hot guy who plays Peter Parker's friend, Ted Raimi (he played Joxer on Xena. I adored him. Stupid Gabrielle)!
Catwoman (Mmm, Benjamin Bratt, Halle Berry. Halle Berry in leather. Hey, I always said she's the one woman who could turn me)! Okay, I'm going to stop now. Sorry, I meandered. Of course, these are random thoughts so meandering is allowed!

I like the new Counting Crows song but I wish it would get out of my head. “Love, love, love, accidentally in love, love, love.” Over and over and over again. Well, at least we know it’s catchy.

My desk is a mess. Today I will get organized!

Another song stuck in my head now. “I don’t want to work. I want to bang on my drum all day.” I don’t have a drum. I need to get a drum. Keem says I can’t get one. She is mean.

My desk is still a mess. I did not get organized. I'm not surprised.

Happy Father's Day, to Robert Earle, in memoriam

Today is Father’s Day. Happy Father’s Day to all of you fathers out there. Today I will share some good memories of my Dad.

He made me laugh by being the “Tickle Monster,” who sounded like a cross between “Cookie Monster” and “Fat Albert.” Dad also introduced me to Bill Cosby through vinyl. The Black Snake skit still puts me in stitches. He let Kari and I go to “Animal House” when “The Muppet Movie” was sold out so this is probably why I love movies like “Porky’s” and “Saving Silverman.” You know the type, not necessarily academy material.

He exposed me to Johnny Cash and Merle Haggard at an early age. One of our poodles was named Susie Boy after Johnny Cash’s hit “A Boy Named Sue.” Dad also used to sing, “I’m An Okie from Muskogee” to me. When I saw Merle Haggard in concert, I was thinking of my Dad when Merle sang the song.

One of his favorite stories was of when I was first learning how to read (thank you, Mom) at the age of 3 or 4. Apparently, we were driving and I pointed out a truck to him and said, “Look, Dad. F-O-R-D. That spells truck.”

He enjoyed reading. He understood my fascination with Shakespeare but also appreciated that I liked modern authors as well. When he died, I found a John Grisham novel in his apartment that was read half-way, “The Pelican Brief.” Even in death, he was encouraging me to try new authors. If he hadn’t, I may never have discovered John Grisham and my two favorite books by him – “A Time to Kill” and “The Rainmaker.”

He enjoyed watching me act. When I was 16 and in my church’s production of “Jesus Christ Superstar,” the tech crew had come up with a way to emphasize the scene where Pontius Pilate has Jesus Christ’s blood on his hands. The gentleman playing Pontius Pilate was supposed to reach into a clear glass bowl of water, squeeze a package of fake blood and the water was supposed to turn blood red. During one performance, this didn’t work. Our Pilate squeezed and squeezed, veins popping out on his forehead, and suddenly, the package of blood exploded. Droplets of fake blood splashed everywhere, including on my arm. I held my arm extended in front of me and was staring at it in horror. Part of me was thinking that this was literally Christ’s blood, spilled for me and apparently, the audience member sitting next to my Dad recognized this. She turned to her companion and whispered, pointing at me, “Look at that girl. She is such a good actress.” My Dad leaned over and whispered proudly, “That’s my daughter.”

Dad died on April 10, 1994. Exactly one month shy of his 70th birthday. He was cremated and my brothers, sisters, and I visited the park where his parents were married to release his ashes. As we said our goodbyes to him, we each took a handful of ashes and tossed him into the wind. Suddenly, this wind changed direction and Dad’s ashes came flying back into our faces! For a brief few moments, all you heard was the “ptoo-ptoo” sound as we tried to get the taste of our father out of our mouths. Then one of us (not sure who) said, “Dad always had a good sense of humor.” Another one said “Yes and he’s kind of salty.” Well, what are you going to do but laugh?

Thanks for the memories, Dad!

Around the World In 80 Days

Went to see this today with Keem and Katie (work friend who left the phone bank and now works in another area of the Bank of DM. Dang her).

We went to went to Damon's for lunch before meeting Katie. We decided to do the 2 for $25 deal and I got the Apple-Bourbon chicken. Not bad but I wish I would have gone for the ribs like Keem did. We had fun playing trivia on the NTN games.

When we were walking into the theater, Keem asked if I had remembered to turn off my phone. I said no. My reasoning was "What if Katie calls us to tell us that she is dead and can't make it?" But Katie arrived safe and sound! Yay!

The movie was good, it moved fairly fast and kept my attention. I know that some people are going to tell you that it sucked and some people are going to say it is great. I will tell you that I liked it, not enough to go back to see it again in the theater but I will probably buy it on DVD. I can watch movies so much better when they are on DVD, not because I prefer a small screen but because the DVD usually has subtitles.

For some reason, subtitles help me hear better. Usually when I watch a movie without subtitles, I miss things, like names or sometimes whole bits of dialougue. And Heaven help us if the person has an accent. Since the 3 main characters of Around the World are English, French and Chinese, I was lost in a few places. I didn't feel like I was missing anything, though, because there was a lot of action to keep me satisfied.

Okay, must go to bed. I work at 5:30 AM. Yuck.

Question of the Day - What is your dream car?

When I was in high school, I had 3 favorite cars. I was someday going to be rich and own the following cars:

An Orange Corvette with green interior. I planned on calling it the Pumkinmobile. Yes, yes, I know. I wonder about myself sometimes too...

A blue Chevy convertible. I didn't care about what year it was, I just wanted chrome.

Then I wanted a black van with a rainbow painted on the side.

This was pretty ambitious for someone who has never held a driver's license. Someday, someday I will have one and then, in celebration of the miracle, all my friends and family will purchase me my very own El Camino!

Yes, that's right. I said El Camino. I love them. I can't remember where I saw my first one but I have thought they are adorable for the longest time. For fun, I like to go to Google images and type in El Camino and then just drool. This one is my favorite out of my last search. What is my fascination with the color orange? And sometimes, I do a search on eBay Motors for that perfect car. Of course, I can only afford about 300 bucks so it's going to be difficult to find one that runs. But I can dream, right?

In response to Beth's post about why my links been divided

I love my mother. I really do. She raised Kari and I on her own since I was 13 with very little financial support from my father. She's a wonderful woman who is loves God, her children, her grandson and her dogs. I adore her. Really. I just feel that she doesn't understand me. Or I don't understand her. One of the two. Maybe both.

Her reaction to my tattoos and piercings - "Some day you're going to be old, sitting in the doctor's office and really embarrassed about your tattoos!" What I hate about this is that she was right, my doctor thought I had pneumonia and asked another doctor to come in and listen to me breathe. There I sat, flimsy paper robe wide-open, chest bared to the world, tattoos and nipple rings exposed. I never had a problem with my doctor; I had a rapport with her. I didn’t know this guy from Adam.

We don't like the same movies. When she was visiting when Josh was born, she wanted me to go see Good Boy with her. I wasn't interested. Of course, now I'm feeling guilty because I dragged her to see the 1st Austin Powers movie and she hated it. Okay, Mom, when you're here again, you get to pick the movie.

We certainly don't like the same music. Back in the 80's, when the 3 of us were getting ready for work/school and fighting over who got to use the one extremely small bathroom next, my mother would listen to religious music while she got ready. Now, I liked the hymns and I adore gospel but this isn't all she would play. One morning it was this annoying woman singing about the 10 Commandments. I'm serious. It was horrible. And then she would leave for work and my sister would take over with The Suicidal Tendencies "I saw your mommy and your mommy was dead." (And people wonder why I'm so warped).

This is a woman who told me that the music I listened to was terrible, grabbed the radio and changed to the non-religious station she preferred (W-Lite for those Minnesotans reading this. I was listening to KS-95) and then, when the exact same song was playing, said, "That's better." Now granted, I was a teenager and there is a law that says mothers and teenage daughters must fight about everything but it was the same song!

This is a woman who told me a former friend needed to go to therapy. When I replied, "Mom, you say that about all of my friends." Her answer? "Well, she just needs it more than everyone else." Granted, she was right and I'm no longer friends with this person but needless to say, she didn't approve of most of my friends growing up (of course, some of these friends got me involved in drugs and alcohol so maybe she had a point).

So, because of this, I've decided to divide my links up into two categories. Links that my mother is allowed to click on and links that she is not allowed to click on. Beth saw that and is wondering if she is too goody-goody and this is my response to her.

Please. You've heard the stories about my mother. Remember the three-page email about how I should go to church. Do you really want to imagine my Mom's reaction if she clicks on Matt's blog? I can...it goes like this.

Dana's Mom: "Oh, what's this link here? Let me click it. AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!" Thump. Then there would be the phone call to Kari where I have to explain why I killed our mother. I don't want to deal with that.

Plus, I'm planning on adding a few other blogs and sites that I love but I don't think Mom would either a) like, b) understand or c) keep me in the will. So, Mom, for your own protection and to keep Kari from coming after me with the chainsaw, please stay away from the non-Mother approved links! If you go there, I cannot be held responsible.

Pretty much that goes for everyone, actually, if you click a link and don't like it, well, that's too bad. I have an odd sense of humor and an extremely eclectic love of the written word. And I, like the Bank of DM, pride myself on my diversity.

Rainbow Foods Insanity - Continued

There's another ad from the marketing geniuses at Rainbow Foods that disturbs me even more than the loaves of bread one. This was a full page, color ad in the Saint Paul newspaper.

Now we've established that RF thinks that vegetables and fruits are people, right (why is it that every time I say that, I think of Soylent Green, "It's people!")? Now imagine if you will, my horror upon gazing at this carrot that has eyes and is smiling at another odd fruit/vegetable creature. Is it the fact that she has eyes that bothers me so? No. What really gets to me is that...

She is wearing a pea necklace. Yes, they have taken a pod of peas, broken them open and made a necklace out of them. So what RF is now saying is that these fruit/vegetable characters are now alive, they are also cannibalizing each other to make necklaces and earrings (fashioned out of onions). This goes beyond wearing fur, people. When you start wearing your neighbor as a fashion accessory, then there's a problem.

Previous comments

At 1:06 AM, Robert ~ Marlénè said...
I wonder what my neighbors would look like as fashion accessories? The ninety-year-old Greek lady next door would make a lovely handbag.

At 3:21 AM, brooksba said...
I have also considered how ninety-year olds would look as a handbag.
Does that make me strange?
Or does the fact I'm surfing your blog at 3:24 in the morning, listening to Faster, Faster, and laughing hysterically?

I think the first one.

Beth wanted me to vant about this.

I was trying to find a website for Rainbow Foods because really, the only way anyone is going to appreciate this is if I could provide you with a picture. Unfortunately, I can't find one. If anyone does come up with a link, please let me know.

Okay, so, I live in Minnesota and there is a grocery store here called Rainbow Foods. Well, lately, I have decided that the powers that be at RF are all on crack. Why, you ask?

Their new radio ads are, I swear, 3 minutes long. They are trying to do some sort of beatnik poem, the soft jazzy music is playing in the background. Now, poetry is very important to me. It helped me keep my sanity for many years. I do not want to hear poetry about someone going shopping. This is not fun. I'm going to see if I can write down part of the ad the next time I hear it. If I haven't thrown my radio out the window first.

The radio ads are annoying but they do not set me off like the billboards. Picture this, if you will, you are driving (riding) down the highway. Your eyes are drawn to the billboard because it is brightly colored and shiny. You stare at it in terror. Oh, my God, it's a giant tomato (I hate tomatoes. They are evil and too red and smushy. And, Mom, I don't care that I ate them up until I was 5. 5 years liking tomatoes, 32 years hating them. I win)! So the powers that be at RF have decided "Hey, wouldn't it be fun to give fruits and vegetables faces and then pose them?"

No, no, it wouldn't be fun. It is sick and wrong. Don't play with your food.

Beth and I are driving down the highway from somewhere, possibly Big 10, she is talking on the phone and then I see it.

3 loaves of bread...with faces...with the stupid quote "We're so fresh the other guys are toast." Now the thing that gets to me the most (and I'm sure this is much more rational then when I went on this 10 minute vant to Beth. Poor Beth. I think she wanted to have me committed) is that one of these loaves is a loaf of French bread. French bread is fairly recognizable, right? Well, obviously the advertising geniuses don't think so because they have taken another piece of bread, a darker brown, and fashioned it into the shape of a beret. So apparently, dear readers, RF execs think we are stupid.

Here's the one thing I don't think they had in mind. As we are riding by and these loaves of bread are leering down at us, it hits me what the beret-wearing loaf of French Bread looks like.

Yes. It looks like a penis. I've heard the company might be in trouble. Maybe RF figures subliminal messages are best to encourage us to shop. "Come to Rainbow, buy some phallic shaped bread. Your life will be great from now on!"

It would be so much better if you could see these ads. You'd understand then. There's one of this potato with these huge teeth. It gives me nightmares.

Previous comments
At 2:22 AM, brooksba said...
Love the vant! Hey, are you going to talk about the carrot wearing the pea necklace??? =)Everyone needs to share the wonderfulness of Dana!

It speaks for itself

Magister Mundi sum!
"I am the Master of the Universe!"
You are full of yourself, but you're so cool you
probably deserve to be. Rock on.


Which Weird Latin Phrase Are You? brought to you by Quizilla

Ha, Keem! Proof, yet again, that I am the Queen of the Universe!

Subject: Great Quotes by Great Women!

I enjoyed this email, even though I seem to get it sent once a year. Here are my favorite 10 quotes.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. - Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. - Janette Barber

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. - Erma Bombeck

The phrase “working mother” is redundant. - Jane Sellman

If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning. - Catherine

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! - Kathy Buckley

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. - Sue Grafton

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. - Eleanor Roosevelt

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. - Jennifer Unlimited

Bonus quote:
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. - Jennifer Unlimited

What is wrong with people?

Last night I was reading a blog by lbg and came across something I found very disturbing. Someone leaves a comment that reads "Your blog sucks!" What the hell is that? How is that mature?

I said in an earlier post that I'm a fairly mellow person and I was raised to follow the Golden Rule - "Do Unto Others As You Would Have Done Unto You (or whatever version you've might have heard)." So when I am reading a blog that I don't agree with, do I leave a nasty comment about how wrong the person is? No, I don't. I just go onto the next one. I really enjoy the fact that people all over this world are different. I can accept diversity. I also enjoy thought-provoking debates in which people can present their opinion to their opponent and ask that it be considered.

Here's the thing, people. Everything I put on this site is my opinion. Opinion, from dictionary.com (oh, I love that site) reads as follows:

o·pin·ion noun
1. A belief or conclusion held with confidence but not substantiated by positive knowledge or proof: “The world is not run by thought, nor by imagination, but by opinion” (Elizabeth Drew).
2. A judgment based on special knowledge and given by an expert: a medical opinion.
3. A judgment or estimation of the merit of a person or thing: has a low opinion of braggarts.
4. The prevailing view: public opinion.
5. Law. A formal statement by a court or other adjudicative body of the legal reasons and principles for the conclusions of the court.

So, if you don't like my opinions, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to change to suit you. The same goes if I'm on someone's site and I don't like something they said. Maybe if people show some respect for one another, we wouldn't have all of these damn hate crimes.

That said, have a nice day.

Question of the Day - Why did you choose your screen name?

Well, I can honestly say I have my mother to thank for the choosing of CarpeDM. Other than the fact that she named my Dana Marie, right? For some reason, she would complain bitterly about my other email/screen names.

The first one was troubledvixen - okay, a bit odd, maybe, but this one came about at a job I had at a department store. One of my co-workers and I had anonymously posted a letter of complaint in the break room about our evil supervisor neglecting her job for months and suddenly coming to us in a meeting and saying "Oh, by the way, even though there hasn't been any disciplinary action taken in the last 3 months, well, we're still watching your cash drawer shortages and hey, you could lose your job tomorrow if you make one more mistake." He was pulled into the office by the aforementioned evil supervisor and her boss and the ES told him "I know it was you. You and that troubled vixen you hang out with." Mom didn't like it. She was embarrassed to include me in her group emails.

Okay, Mom, I'll change it. The next one was badbadkittygirl. This was the result of my friend Annie yelling at her cat, Nala. "Nala, you are a bad girl. You are a bad, bad kitty girl." I thought it was hilarious and decided to try it as an email/screen name. Mom didn't like it because she could never type it in correctly. And, I was also running into problems because any time I went into a chat room, I would be attacked by extremely horny men who would try to get me to hook up with them. I am not a feline dominatrix!

So then, I went with fruitfly. Fairly easy, simple, right? This was a nickname one of my friends gave me in email.
Friend - "You're a fruit fly."
DM - "What the heck is a fruit fly?"
Friend - "You buzz around gay boys." (Granted, this was back when I'd hit the gay bars with him. I'm too old to club now, especially since I quit drinking)

Okay, I accept the title, I hate the term faghag. Another friend told me I was a flame dame but I think that title belongs to Beth, she's a lot classier than I am. Mom, who is relatively open minded, thought that people on her mailing list were more conservative than her and might not like it. My response, why do I care? And how do they know what it means? Maybe I just like apples, did you ever think of that?

To appease the Royal Momness, I decided to go with carpeDM. She was okay with that. But she doesn't know that secretly I am thinking "Don't seize the day, seize the Dana Marie!" Mwahahahaha!

Update - I get an email from Mom at work. "Have you changed your email address? I can't get anything through to you." I'll have to connect with her to find out what's going on...I certainly don't want to change the email address again! Although, I wonder what I could come up with this time.

Previous comments

Why did you choose your screen name?

At 9:52 AM, lilblackgirl said...
I associate screen names with online alias's. I've had a few myself.my current one, LBG (lilblackgirl) was a passing joke by some soccer buddies about 15 years ago and it stuck with me ever since. no, i'm not black, i'm not a girl and i only weigh about 160.

godcomplex - came from the Alec Baldwin film "malice". decent film, but best quote ever.

strich - another soccer name given because i run on my toes, like an ostrich, hence the name.

Last Comic Standing

So, those of you who read my post on June 9th, might remember how excited I was to watch LCS this week, right? I was looking forward to seeing how my favorites did. Yeah, well, I'm ticked off now.

Tuesday night, I am settled onto the couch, having been smart enough to go to the bathroom before the show started, I am avidly waiting for laughter and joy to invade my living room. And it did.

Here were the people I liked (if I could find a home page for them, I linked it):
Jessica Kirshon, who is insane but very funny.
Gary Gulman - Tall, dark, handsome and hilarious. Mmm, Dana like.
Kathleen Madigan - Love her. Her gymnastic jokes were great.
Monty Hoffman - Very dry sense of humor. Which I love.
Dan Ahdoot - The whole comedy calendar? I wanted more.

Unfortunately, only Kathleen and Gary made it to the house. The plus side, Ant made it, Keem likes him. And he is very funny, I just like Dan Ahdoot and Monty more.

I am not happy about:
Corey Holcomb or Bonnie McFarlane - I don't think they are that funny.

Wednesday night is what made me mad.

Here are the people I was rooting for:
John Heffron - I have no words, only laughter.
Dan Naturman - Looks like I'm not the only one who likes him, he did get a standing ovation from the audience and the celebrity judges.
Jay London - The one liner king. Just helpless laughter.
Tammy Pescatelli - I think she's funny and I feel bad about her Dad being sick. She wasn't her best on Wednesday.
Alonzo Bodden - Like Gary, Alonzo is tall, dark, handsome and hilarious. Mmm, Dana like him as well!

Okay, I got 4 out of 6 of the comics I wanted into the house but I am so pissed about Dan Naturman. He was great. I know the only reason Todd Glass "won" is because the producers are trying to come up with drama for the house. Todd Glass is extremely annoying and I'm waiting for someone to punch him. And as much as I like Tammy, Jim Wiggins deserved to go onto the house (Keem and I were sad when he didn't make it last week so we were excited to see him be called in last minute).

I am still looking forward to next week, just because I hope Bonnie McFarlane and Todd Glass get kicked out quickly.

I am obsessed with blogging

Do you know what I've had for the last two days for lunch? I'll tell you. Cold Tater Tot Hotdish (Yes, I am Midwestern. And it's pop, not soda). Do you know why it's cold? Because if I walk to break room and heat up my lunch, that is at least 10 minutes that I could be blogging or reading other blogs. I only get a 1/2 hour for lunch, why would I waste my time on a microwave?

Tomorrow, Keem and I are going to the Bank of DM for overtime. Keem works a full day. I will work 4 hours. Why not work the full day? Because I can spend the time I'm not on the phone on the computer in our resource room. At home, I am at the mercy of the dial-up service. At work, it's DSL, baby. Yes, everyone I work with thinks I'm insane.

But you know, I just don't care. I have had a lot of fun, not only writing my adventures but also reading some very interesting blogs as well. It's a beautiful and diverse world we live in and there are a lot of great characters in it as well.

Question of the Day - Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?

That's a good question and I'd be happy to help you with that.

Yes. I admit it. I am a 37 year old woman who sleeps with a stuffed animal. Go ahead. Mock me. I also have Chips Ahoy sheets (I can't use them because they turn my skin blue but they're really cool).

The stuffed animal du jour is named "Hippo" and he (all my stuffed animals are males) is a hippo made out of this really soft terry cloth and is very comfortable. He isn't your usual gray hippo, he is more brown. And he has a very pretty giraffe patterned ribbon tied around his neck.

Hippo received his name because once upon a time, there was a glorious Greek God of a man named Michael. Michael's last name was quite long and a disturbed individual I tolerated only because she was dating a friend of mine thought it was Hippotomous. So, while I was hiding my deep and abiding lust for Michael from him (yeah, like he didn't know. Every time he walked by I would sigh deeply), my friends and I would refer to him as Hippo. So, even after Michael left the Bank of DM and moved on to better things, I still adored him and needed something to remind me of him. On a Sheepsheadian trip to Duluth, I found Hippo and liberated him from a Kaybee Toys store.

Hippo recently went to Las Vegas with Beth and I. We had a great time there and there's an excellent picture of Hippo playing cards with Beth's stuffed monkey, Elwood. If I ever learn how to download pictures, I will post the picture.

The oldest stuffed animal I own is named Panda (okay, most of my animals have really creative names...I just don't remember them). He was a gift from my grandmother for Christmas when I was seven and I still have him, I just can't sleep with him anymore because he has been through a lot and is in pretty rough shape.

At 1:26 AM, Robert ~ Marlénè said...

I sleep with the teddy-bear my Grandmother bought me for my 30th birthday. He is the first teddy bear I ever had. His name is Antinöus Bill, and I posted his picture on my blog. I have no shame.

Hippo, in Greek, means "horse." Just thought you might like to know ;-)

At 7:49 AM, CarpeDM said...

That is very interesting. I think I may have known that. I find it amusing that you left the comment on the same day my friend Beth told a joke about a horse on her blog.http://sheepsheadianstories.blogspot.com/

Question of the Day - What is your pet peeve?

I like to think that I am a rational person. I try very hard not to lose my temper, I remain calm during stress (mainly because I'm probably reading and don't want to be bothered), I don't shout at random drivers and shake my fist impotently at them (no, I leave that for Keem), all in all, I think you will find that yes, DM is very rational and mature.

However, like most saints, there are a few things that can set me off on vehement vanting (a cross between vent and rant) and, proving once again that I only think of my adoring public, I have decided to share vant number 1. The one thing that makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs and stab people with forks (Please notice I said want to stab people with forks. I have not yet done so. (That's because Beth keeps taking them away.))

So I take an escalted call today from one of the Bank of DM bankers. The banker tried to get some information from the customer (TC) but TC refused to tell them anything about why he was calling or what his name was (When the banker asked him his name, TC replied "It's unimportant." So the banker told him "Mr. Unimportant, I'll transfer you to a supervisor now (Classic! So wrong from a quality and customer service level but yet, makes me feel good). One moment please.")

DM - "Thank you for holding, sir, my name is Dana. How may I help you?"

Customer - "I was driving through a city and I saw a Gay Pride event. (DM cringes, she knows what is coming next and, because she does really like her job, she cannot tell the customer what she is really thinking) Your bank had a delegation there. Why do you feel you need to be involved with that rubbish?"

DM - "Well, sir, The Bank of DM prides (yes, I said "prides" deliberately. I am evil, I know it) itself on its diversity..."

Customer (cutting her off) - "I just want you to know I will be closing my accounts because of your diversity."

DM - "You're certainly within your rights..."

Customer (cutting her off again) - "Yes, I am. I am within my rights to be a completely narrow-minded boob who thinks that anyone who is not like me is obviously either Satan or a Communist. Long live White Power." Then he hung up.

Okay, obviously he didn't say the last part. But that's it, folks, that's what drives me insane. I am so sick and tired of prejudice, loyal readers. See, my parents, as odd as they both are/were, raised me to believe that everyone should be treated equally, that you shouldn't judge people based on skin color or relgious beliefs or sexual preference. You should just accept people for who they are. My Dad went as far as to tell me, when I was researching my nationality for a class project, that I was part Polish, part Black and part jackass (the jackass was from my mother's side. Dad was weird, okay?) It wasn't until after he died that I found out he had told my half-brothers and sisters that they were part Italian (the reason they liked spaghetti so much) and American Indian). The whole point to this is he didn't want me to be a bigot. And you know what? It worked. I love everybody, until you (and that's you as a person, not as a gender or race or a minority group) piss me off.

Those of you who want to quote the bible at me, for your information, I am a born again Christian. And my answer to you will be, Jesus died on the cross for my sins and yours. He didn't look down from that cross and say "Okay, today I am only forgiving the sins of all of the white, upper class, heterosexual Americans. But you minority groups had better watch out."

Now, I love my country and I am glad I was born in America where I and everyone has the right of free speech and so I can accept that everyone has the right to their own opinion. But you know what, that right doesn't mean you get to try and force your opinion down my throat, okay? I personally don't feel that either the Boy Scouts or The Salvation Army should have the right to discriminate against homosexuals but I don't call them up and tell them what they can and can't do. I just don't support them. And I don't vote for Republicans.

As I said in a previous post, I have 5 male friends. They are all gay. I have 3 female friends. We are all straight. And you know what, we all love each and are good to each other and have a great time when we are together. And we're always looking out for new friends. So maybe someday we'll meet.

But I'm going to tell you, you make one comment about my friends and I'm bringing out the tazer. Unless Beth has hidden it.

Previous comments

At 12:08 AM, brooksba said...
Great post Dana! Just one thing, I only take the forks away when you want to kill other peole because they are loud and drunkish. I'll let you use a tazer on as many narrow-minded individuals you want who say something about our friends. Also, you made a point about this country having free speech and that is ultimately important. What bothers me about a person calling a business and complaining about the fact that business values diversity, it seems odd that they are not giving you the same free speech to state what you believe. It's not free unless the other people have a right to respond.

Sunday, May 2. An email to Beth.

We watched "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" last night. I'm thinking I may have to read the book. Oh, Peter Facinelli is in the Scorpion King (which is also really good and no, it's not just because of The Rock...)

Connect the tracks of Dana's mind...

1. We watched "Midnight" while scrapbooking.
2. I first watched "Midnight" scrapbooking with you one night.
3. Kevin Spacey is in "Midnight."
4. Kevin Spacey is one of your favorite actors (Okay, if Kevin Spacey is one of your favorite actors and Rowan Atkinson is one of mine, how is it possible that we're friends? That's so bizarre).
5. Another Kevin Spacey movie I watched was "The Big Kahuna". This movie has Peter Facinelli in it.
6. Peter Facinelli looks somewhat like Tom Cruise. This irritates me because I don't like Tom Cruise and haven't ever since Goose died in "Top Gun". Although I stopped disliking him as much when I saw "Jerry Maquire" and "Minority Report".
7. Another movie Peter Facinelli was in was "Can't Hardly Wait" and "Riding in Cars with Boys". I have seen both of these movies.
8. We watched "The Scorpion King" while scrapbooking. Mmm, The Rock.
9. Peter Facinelli is in "The Scorpion King".

Are you scared? Because I am. Even scarier? That ran through my brain in about ten seconds...imagine what I could do if I used my powers for good instead of trivial.

Okay, time to work. Ciao.

Previous Comments:

At 2:56 AM, Robert ~ Marlénè said...
Mmmmmm... Peter Facinelli! He's dreamy! Those prissy little lips, those deepset eyes! The Rock is dreamy, too, but in a different way (pardon my while I think about them together... grrr-bumptious!); and the only movies with Tom Cruise that didn't suck were Risky Business and Interview With the Vampire. That's my two cents, anyway.

Question of the Day - What's your favorite song? (inspired by Beth)

I like music. I especially enjoy listening to the radio when I'm grooving on the internet, mainly because it annoys me to have to change CD's. And yes, I do have a 3 CD player, I just don't how to set it up.

I like most styles of music so it is very difficult for me to pick a favorite song. I think most people are the same way. It's really easy to say what your favorite book is or movie right off the top of your head but when you are talking about music, you usually start thinking "What style?"

I think right now, I would have to say that the song that comes to mind the most would be Change The World by Eric Clapton. It is the first song I sing at karaoke, it has the genius that is Clapton on guitar (You should see me when I listen to his version of Danny Boy. Yes, I cry), the unrequited love that states "If you would just notice me, what a great love we would have..." Without going into stalker territory.

If you haven't heard the song, it is in the movie Phenomenon (excellent movie), and I fell in love with it then. It's been the top of the favorite list since 1996. The lyrics here are not the way the song was written, it's the way I sing it.

Change The World

If I could reach the stars, I'd pull one down for you.
Shine it on my heart so you could see the truth:
That this love I have inside, is everything it seems.
But for now I find, it's only in my dreams.

That I can change the world,
I will be the sunlight in your universe.
You would think my love was really something good,
Baby if I could change the world.

And if I could be queen, even for a day,
I'd take you as my king - I'd have it no other way.
And our love would rule in this kingdom we have made.
'Til then I'll be a fool, wishing for the day...

That I can change the world,
I would be the sunlight in your universe.
You would think my love was really something good,
Baby if I could change the world (twice).

If I could change the world,
I would be the sunlight in your universe.
You would think my love was really something good,
Baby if I could change the world (three times).

It's always lalalalala, shopping with our friends

Went to Karaoke on Sunday night with Beth. The Chalet was pretty quiet which we love because that means we get to sing a lot! We had a great time and got to listen to some excellent singers, including an 11 year old girl who sings better than me. Which is sad but hey, at least I can admit it, right?

Well, faithful readers, the miracle has happened. DM has actually had a romantic experience. It was very moving. Here's what happened. We are at The Chalet. After the incredibly talented 11 year old made Beth and I cry by singing Traveling Soldier by the Dixie Chicks, Big Wayne (the tallest man in the world (according to Bryan). Big Wayne's height appears to change each week. On Sunday he was 14 feet, well, again, according to Bryan. It's amazing. When we first started going to The Chalet he was only 7 feet tall) came up to sing one of my favorite songs, Unchained Melody. This made me cry, yet again. So I told him that if I ever get married (hahahaha), I would like him to sing this song at my wedding. He agreed. Later, when he came up to sing another song, Can't Help Falling In Love With You, which is another one of my favorite songs, I called out "What, are you trying to kill me? (meaning that I would probably cry. Again. You're shocked by this, aren't you?)" So Big Wayne came down to our table, sat down and started singing to me. When he got to the part of "Take my hand, take my whole life too," he reached out for me and there it was, folks, the most exciting encounter I have had in well, forever. I actually held a heterosexual male's hand (5 male friends. All gay. Love them but hey, they're not helping my love life any). I almost swooned. It was quite touching (pun intended).

Then Monday, Beth called and asked if I would go shopping with her. I agreed because I am, as we all know, the absolute best friend in the entire world. We went to Roseville. It was interesting. Beth and I have completely different tastes in clothing but I did like everything she bought. I have decided I have to lose weight just because there is such a difference in clothes styles between Petites and Plus Sizes. For some reason, most designer's feel that I either want to dress like a slut or a grandmother. There's no happy medium. I personally feel that I really don't want to bare my midriff to the world, thank you very much. Beth was able to find some really fun, funky clothes that didn't shout "Hey, I'm a hooker in my spare time." Or, even worse, "I am a grandmother!" Other than the woman at Victoria's Secret who, in essence, called me tacky, we had a great time (more detail is on Beth's blog, link is to the right).

"Well you know that it's going to be alright
I think it's gonna be alright
Everything will always be alright
When we go shopping" BareNaked Ladies - Shopping