Same bad word that starts with an S. Different day.

Sometimes I swear that my life must be this big cosmic joke and God is sitting there laughing at the newest reality show called "The Life and Times of Dana." Seriously.
What's going on? How about I give you the bullet point version? Bullet points are soothing and make me feel better and less like I am whining incessantly, once again, about how craptacular my life is. And these bullet points are pink. I like pink. (Do not ask me what happened with the bullet points. They started messing with me. They are evil bullet points. EVIL!) Yes, I feel the soothing starting as we speak. Or that could be the Puffs scented with Vicks tissue that I have draped over my nose like a veil.

In case that last statement didn’t give it away, I am sick.

Yes. Again. For the 453^rd time this year. I swear to God, I am sick of being sick (and if you are old, like me, any time you hear “I am sick” you hear Bill Cosby saying “and tired” as part of a joke that he did in a stand up routine where he was mouthing back to his mom. Or maybe it was Eddie Murphy. I don’t remember now).

I would like to blame Co-worker Rykken for infecting me but apparently the Cold Virus is a mystifying thing that cannot be transmitted in two days. Or so I have been told. My logic is that he was sick on Friday. I started coughing and sneezing on Sunday night (almost minutes after I got off the phone with Beth. Hmm. Maybe it was her. Yes. Because viruses can travel through phone lines (Did I mention that my sense of logic disappears when I’m sick? (Not that I have ever had a sense of logic))) and then threw up on Monday morning and now am this mass of pain and agony and red, scaly scale-like things on my nose.

Apparently Don Shelby broke ribs from coughing too hard. As you can imagine, hearing that has just made me more panicked. And less likely to want to cough. You know, because it was so much fun before some friendly person overheard me hacking up one of my lungs and thought “Hey! I’ll just add some joy to Dana’s day!”

Don Shelby is a member of the Channel 4 news team. You are not expected to know this unless you live in Minnesota. Or are a news junky.

Or is it junkie?

Whoever came up with adding the scent of Vicks to Puffs is a genius. It doesn’t really cure anything but it sure makes me feel less inclined to curl into a ball and cry.

And I am getting a cold sore. Because there wasn’t enough wrong with my face with the red scaly scale-like things.

Oh! And you know how I went to the OB-GYN last Thursday? Well, I have three options. I can a) get a Murina IUD, b) have something called an endometrial ablation or c) get a hysterectomy. Since the hysterectomy is more of a drastic, last ditch effort, we decided option B is probably the best way to go.

So I got a letter telling me about how I’d be meeting with OB-GYN Joy something or another. Until the door opened and Joy turned out to be Jory. Not that I have a problem seeing a male doctor but still, it’s amazing how big of a difference an R can make.

Yes. So my options all involve having something stuck up my lady parts. No avoiding that. But the ablation seems to be the best because that’s a 90 second procedure that is typically on an out-patient basis BUT because I have sleep apnea, I may need to spend the night so I should bring my CPAP and plan accordingly.

Guess when the only day they have open for this procedure is. Guess. Yes. On March 12^th. On my vacation. On the day after my 41^st birthday. Woo-hoo. Great planning there, guys.

But it’s a good thing because apparently the problem is that my uterine lining is thicker than it needs to be and the ablation involves lots of technical stuff that I don’t really get but will mean that, after the procedure, I will be able to walk on the beach wearing long flowing white outfits. According to the brochure for Novasure.

I’m just excited that maybe I won’t have to worry about gushing (blood, urine and/or clots. Yay me) every time I blow my nose or cough. Sorry, Joe. Possibly too much information. Yet again.

I was out sick Monday and Tuesday and have 453 monitorings to do before the end of the month. When am I going to do them? This weekend. So this means I don’t get to go and have a pre-“Scrapbooking Extravaganza” that I was planning on with Beth this weekend. I am very sad.

There are many other things that are irritating and annoying and also somewhat funny in a bizarre and tortured sort of way but I have to go home now so I can cough and whine to Keem about how I am dying and obviously I am dying because, instead of telling me to shut up because I am annoying, she has been very sympathetic. But there is one good thing. When I am sick, I get paranoid about germs. And how the germs are out there, waiting to get me. And then I clean. So I cleaned (partially) my room and found the battery charger for my camera that has been missing for months. So this is good. And also, Dilbert, Brevity and Get Fuzzy were incredibly amusing today. Good-bye. Stay away from me because I am sick.

Ultrasound was normal. Which is good, I guess.

It just leads to the question "What the heck is wrong with me, then?"  Oh, well, I guess I'll find out on Thursday at the OB-GYN.  I hope.

Had a great weekend hanging out with Beth and scrapbooking.  We got to talk to Johnny Saturday night, that was so awesome.  I actually accomplished 5 whole pages, complete with pictures!  Yay!  Found out that pictures developed through Flickr can be picked up at Target, which is good.  And they turned out pretty decent so yay, Flickr!  What is not good is when you tell the cashier that you only want to put $50 on your credit card and he charges the whole thing.  A quick trip to the bank should take care of this, fortunately this credit card allows me to make same day electronic payments.  And allows electronic statements.  And doesn't make you over your limit because of the stupid annual fee.  You know why?  Because Citi Financial doesn't charge an annual fee, unlike my stupid other credit card that I am going to pay off and then cut up.  Rat bastards.

I hope you all had a good weekend.  I would say I would be around to read soon because I know I am way behind on many of my blogs.  Unfortunately Keem's mom was over this weekend and saw my bedroom and now I am banned from computer play until I clean my room.  Yeah.  Like that'll happen. 

Kidnapped! By Aliens! News at 11!

Okay, there really weren't aliens.  And the news will not be at 11 because, well, this isn't that exciting.  Unless you are me.

I strongly recommend that if you are a man (that would be you, Joe), that you close this page right now.  Because what is coming is not for the faint of heart. 

So Wednesday I had an appointment to have a pelvic ultrasound.  It didn't sound overly fun but okay, it has to be done.  My lady parts (if you will) have been acting up and quite frankly, I'm a little sick of them.

I call for a cab and spend a good five minutes arguing with the dispatcher about if a cab will pick me up at my apartment building.  Um, yes, lady, they will.  I get picked up here all the time!  Stop arguing with me!  Why yes, I would like to be called when they get here because I don't particularly like hanging out in the lobby.  It's a nice lobby, don't get me wrong, with Monet and Renoir pictures to look at and very comfy chairs but if I have a choice between the lobby and my apartment, the apartment wins.

15 minutes later, my phone rings.  Your cab is here, I am told by a gravely voiced man.  Okay.  I'll be right down.

Turns out that my cab driver had been waiting for 10 minutes and asked that I be called.  He had just been about to leave when I came downstairs.  Grr.  Stupid lady.

I get to the appointment in time.  I had been told to make sure that I had a full bladder which I assumed was for a urine test.  No, I am told by the sweet Amanda who is my alien for the day, this is because the uterus is easier viewed through the ultrasound if you have a full bladder.  Since I don't feel like I am going to pee my pants any second, she brings me two 16 ounce glasses of ice water and tells me she'll be back in 30 minutes.  Okay.  I have a book.  I'm fine.  Plus I adore ice water and suck it down quickly.

She does the outer exam and it goes fine.  Nothing overly painful.  Yay!  This is a piece of cake.  What were Kari and Co-worker Vivian talking about?  This isn't bad at all.  It must have been because they had these when they were pregnant.

I get sent off to the bathroom and come back to find approximately 7 sheets folded and stacked on the little bed I was lying on.  Amanda tells me that they don't have gynecologist beds so there aren't any stirrups.  Therefore I am to prop my bottom on top of the sheets.  Riiiiigggght.  That's going to happen.  Amanda leaves, after asking me to undress from the waist down and get situated on the bed.

Believe me when I tell you there is nothing more exciting than trying to maneuver your ass so you can sit on 7 sheets and lie backwards.  It was, in a word, embarrassing.  Fortunately I did not actually fall out of the bed.  And, after removing two of the sheets, I did manage to get situated, thrusting my girly parts into the air.

Amanda returns.  She explains what is going to happen, she'll be using some sort of medical device to get an image of my uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries.  She shows me the device and now I understand what Kari and Co-worker Vivian were talking about.  This thing is huge.  Amanda does say that not all of this is going to be inserted inside of me and that it is mainly to for her to use as a handle.  Amanda is a liar.  I swear she had that entire thing shoved inside of me.  And then she is showing me the different things that are viewed through the ultrasound. 

And here is why I am referring to her as an Alien.  I was probed.  And the probing took forever and was not comfortable.  It wasn't overly painful at the time but I did feel the after affects.  At one point, she asks me about my job, what do I do, etc.  It was the oddest conversation ever or at least the oddest conversation to have with my hoo-ha propped in the air.  And, as I told her, reinforced my beliefs that sex is over-rated - it's messy and uncomfortable.  She laughed.  I was serious.  Although I wonder if this would have been as painful if I haven't been celibate for what?  It's been at least 8-9 years now. 

I ended up leaving early on Wednesday to go home because of extreme pain due to cramps.  I spent close to 40 dollars on cabs.  Because there was the cab to work and then home when I missed the bus and was not going to sit around for another hour.  And the 3rd cab ended up getting sent to the bowling alley instead of my work.  Yes.  I can see how you can confuse them so easily.  The only good thing about it was the 3rd cab driver is someone I've had before and we have the greatest conversations about politics and religion without wanting to kill each other (he's Conservative, I'm very, very Liberal). 

And then Thursday I left early again because I was cramping AGAIN and also started having a back spasm when Co-worker Jessica, Co-worker Rykken and Manager Cheryl  were handing out valentines.  We bought 95 cookies and Jessica filled out 95 valentines and we had to match cookies and valentines.  Which is much more complicated than you would think.  It took about an hour and finally I had to go sit down.  And then go home where I slept most of the day.

But all is good, my parts seem to be back in order.  Of course there is the trip to the OB-GYN next Thursday and also the diabetic eye exam where I get to have my eyes dilated for the first time ever.  That should be fun AND exciting.  The only good part of the day is getting to have lunch with Kari. 

I hope you all have exciting plans for the weekend.  I am going to hang with Beth and scrapbook!  I actually have developed pictures from Portugal.  I know.  It's been over 2 years.  What can I say, I am a slacker!

For once my body has done something that I like

Long story short.

I have been discouraged about diabetes.  Not enough to stop watching what I'm eating or about my levels.  Mainly it's just because I HATE poking my finger every morning and afternoon.  It hurts a lot. 

I am tired and in major pain most of the time but especially early morning and at night.  My joints hurt.  My back hurts.  My fingers hurt.  Because, you know, I'm carrying a lot of extra weight.  Not really good for me but losing weight isn't going to happen overnight.  It takes time.  I know that.  Plus this is a bad time of year for me with all the barometric pressure changes. 

Today I went to the doctor.  I haven't been since September.  You'll remember last month when my mom was making Kari freak out about my being diabetic and oh my God, I'm going to lose a leg and I better make an appointment right away.  So I did make an appointment and Kari went with me.

First came the dreaded weighing.  I watch the numbers flash back and forth and am terrified by what I am going to see.  Finally it stops.  The nurse, Cindy, doesn't say anything.  I have to ask.  Did I lose any weight?

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.  I lost 10 pounds.  All the lettuce and the carrots and the sacrifice has resulted in something good.  I mean, yes, I still have an entire person to lose but it means a lot to have a result like this.

Then there was the dreaded blood drawing.  I hate this.  My veins roll and usually I end up getting jabbed two or three times before they're able to get enough.  Cindy manages to fill a little tube and then gets the finger poking torture device so they can do an immediate test. 

About ten minutes later, I am still sucking on my poor injured finger (still hurts now and let me tell you, that lancet was about 3 times as big as my Accu-Check one) when Deb comes into the room.

We talk, I tell her about everything that's been going on, blah, blah, blah.  And then she tells me.  My A1C (Diana, I'm counting on you to explain what this is.  She told me but I have no clue) has dropped from 10.6 to 7.9.  I'm not exactly sure what this means but apparently it is very good and means that I don't have to go on insulin. Yay!

Next week I get to go and have a pelvic ultrasound and then see an OB-GYN the week after that and also have a diabetic eye exam.  Doesn't that sound like fun?   This is because of the Bloody Hell that I've had for years and Deb said the next time it appeared, we wouldn't do Provera again, she's going to send my to the OB-GYN. 

Deb:  There could be fibroids causing it but we need to look into it.  You are anemic and this might be the source of it.  Worst case scenario, there might need to be a procedure.

DM:  As far as I'm concerned, you can yank the uterus out.  I'm not going to be using it for anything.
Kari:  Yeah, mine too.
DM:  Uh, no.  I am hoping for a niece (I'm not going to get one but I'm hoping.  Josh is going to remain an only child.  Which might be why Kari was looking for books on sharing today).

So things are good.  And you doubted me when I told you I was okay, Mom.  Ha! 

OMG! WTF? And other acronyms of dismay.

Today, as most days for me commence, I am staring into my 10X magnifying mirror, tweezers in hand, ready to do battle against the unruliness of my eyebrows.  I try to take a few minutes each morning to yank the little bastards out.  It, well, relaxes me a little.  Not as much as actually having them waxed does (I know.  I’m kind of a freak) but it helps me pretend that I actually have some control over my life and, well, let’s face it.  It’s really the only beauty routine I have.  I don’t wear makeup (even though I buy it for some reason.  I like to say I am girly enough to buy it but not girly enough to wear it).  I don’t really style my hair.  I’m amazed I actually take the time to brush my hair.

Anyway, back to the plucking.  Today I am about ready to yank out the 453^rd hair this week that is growing out of place and I see it.  There is wailing and gnashing of teeth.  This year, the year of reaching 40, has quite possibly been the worst year ever for me body wise and this is just the final straw.

Yes.  I have a white eyebrow hair.  I know! 

I can just hear the hilarious antics of my various body parts as they decide to pull this latest travesty.

Eyebrow:  Hey!  You know what would be fun?  You know what would set Dana really over the edge?
Various Body Parts:  What?  What?
Eyebrow:  How about if I have one of my multitudes of children turn white?
Various Body Parts:  Ooh!  That would be cool.
Brain:  Wait a minute!  Wait just one gosh darn second here.  What is up with you people?
Eyebrow:  What do you mean?
Brain:  What do I mean?  What do I mean?  C’mon!  Let’s just think about what’s happened this year.  Dana turned 40.
Eyebrow:  Yeah?  So?
Brain:  So?  So what happened to her?  She got a foot spur!
Right Heel:  Hee.  That was kind of fun.
Brain:  And Left Knee decided to get possible arthritis.
Left Knee:  Yeah.  I am somewhat evil.  Gosh, she looks like a total dork when she walks because of the stiffness in me and Right Heel.

Brain:  And then Ears decide to stop working.
Ears (in unison):  What?  Speak up, you whippersnapper!  We can’t hear you.
Brain:  I SAID “AND THEN EARS…” Oh, never mind.  And if that wasn’t the worst thing that could happen, Blood decided that he had enough with just making her anemic and decided, “Hey!  I know!  Let’s hit her with Diabetes!  That’ll be great!”

Blood:  Can I help it if I find it a total thrill to get out of the Body twice a day?
Fingers:  Well, you didn’t think about us, now, did you?  She has to poke us and it hurts!  We’re going to go on strike and not release you anymore, Blood.

Blood:  What?  You can’t do that!
Brain:  Shut up!  Listen to me, Eyebrow.  Don’t do it.  Leave Dana alone.
Eyebrow:  Too late.  It’s already done. 
Brain:  That’s it.  I’m going on strike.  You can all deal without me.

And this is possibly the excuse I’m going to give my boss for why I have absolutely nothing done today.  Think she’ll buy it?

When Ear Worms Attack

I am working away, minding my own business when I hear a quiet, high-pitched "La" from the corner.

Instantly my mind starts singing Crocodile Rock by Elton John.

One note.  That's all it takes.  This is so pathetic.

I remember when rock was young.
Me and Suzy had so much fun.
Something, something, something.
Holding hands and skipping something.
But the biggest fun I ever had
Was doing the something

Laaaaaa.  Laalalalala.  Lallalala.  Lalalalala.

This is going to drive me crazy all day.  You know it.  Thanks a lot, Co-Worker Beau and Elton John.  Thanks!

How to drive me insane (and yes, I know it should be Today's Geek News and that's another thing that drives me nuts!)

_____________________________________________
From:   Co-Worker Eric
Sent:   Thursday, December 13, 2007 11:02 AM
To:     Co-Worker Annette; DM;
Subject:        Todays geek-news

"w00t" crowned word of year by U.S. dictionary
By Jason Szep
BOSTON (Reuters) - "w00t," an expression of joy coined by online gamers, was crowned word of the year on Tuesday by the publisher of a leading U.S. dictionary.

Massachusetts-based Merriam-Webster Inc. said "w00t" -- typically spelled with two zeros -- reflects a new direction in the American language led by a generation raised on video games and cell phone text-messaging.

It's like saying "yay," the dictionary said.
"It could be after a triumph or for no reason at all," Merriam-Webster said.
Visitors to Merriam-Webster's Web site were invited to vote for one of 20 words and phrases culled from the most frequently looked-up words on the site and submitted by readers.

Runner-up was "facebook" as a new verb meaning to add someone to a list of friends on the Web site Facebook.com or to search for people on the social networking site.

Merriam-Webster President John Morse said "w00t" reflected the growing use of numeric keyboards to type words.
"People look for self-evident numeral-letter substitutions: 0 for O; 3 for E; 7 for T; and 4 for A," he said. "This is simply a different and more efficient way of representing the alphabetical character."

One Web site, www.thinkgeek.com, already sells T-shirts with the word "w00t" printed on the front.
"w00t belongs to gamers the world over. It seems to have been derived from the obsolete 'whoot' which essentially is another way to say 'hoot' which itself is a shout or derisive laugh," Think Geek said on its Web site.

"But others maintain that w00t is the sound several players make while jumping like bunnies in Quake III," it added, referring to a popular video game.

Online gamers often replace numbers and symbols with letters to form what Merriam-Webster calls an "esoteric computer hacker language" known as "l33t speak." This translates into "leet", which is short for "elite".

A separate survey of words used in the media and on the Internet by California-based Global Language Monitor produced a different set of winners on Tuesday. "Hybrid" took top honors as word of the year with "climate change" the top phrase.

Global Language Monitor, which uses an algorithm to track words and phrases in the media and on the Internet, said "hybrid" had broad connotations of "all things green from biodiesel to wearing clothes made of soy to global warming."

Runner-up was "surge," based on the "surge" of 30,000 extra U.S. troops deployed to Iraq since mid-June, followed by the word "Bluetooth," a technology used to connect electronic devices via radio waves.

"The English language is becoming more and more a globalized language every year," said Global Language Monitor president Paul Payack, noting that this year's list included words also culled from India, Singapore, China and Australia.

(Additional reporting by Arthur Spiegelman in Los Angeles, editing by Eric)

_____________________________________________
From:   DM 
Sent:   Thursday, December 13, 2007 11:08 AM
To:     Co-Worker Eric D; Co-Worker Annette;
Subject:        RE: Todays geek-news

ARGH!  I hate w00t!  I hate it!  Why would you ever want to replace yay?  And do not get me started on the horror of using numbers to spell.  It's wrong and tears my English major soul to little pieces. 

I guess I'm not really a geek.  Sigh.

_____________________________________________
From:   Co-Worker Annette
Sent:   Thursday, December 13, 2007 11:15 AM
To:     DM; Co-Worker Eric D
Subject:        RE: Todays geek-news

Hmmmm… I've never heard of "w00t," and I think it's too hard to type, so why bother?  Heh.  :)   I agree with Dana!

_____________________________________________
From:   Co-Worker Eric
Sent:   Thursday, December 13, 2007 11:27 AM
To:     Co-Worker Annette; DM; Roff, Vivian; Kraus, Beau A.; McLaughlin, Jason R.
Subject:        RE: Todays geek-news

! 7h!nk u r n07 n3rd5

_____________________________________________
From:   DM 
Sent:   Thursday, December 13, 2007 11:28 AM
To:     Co-Worker Eric D; Co-Worker Annette
Subject:        RE: Todays geek-news

You are killing me.  KILLING me!  That gives me a headache just trying to read it.

_____________________________________________
From:   Co-Worker Annette
Sent:   Thursday, December 13, 2007 11:33 AM
To:     DM; Co-Worker Eric D
Subject:        RE: Todays geek-news

I don't get the n07…..

_____________________________________________
From:   DM 
Sent:   Thursday, December 13, 2007 11:41 AM
To:     Co-Worker Annette; Co-Worker Eric D
Subject:        RE: Todays geek-news

Not.  0 is o, 7 is t.  I don't know why that's supposed to be a t but hey, apparently I'm not a nerds.

_____________________________________________
From:   Co-Worker Eric
Sent:   Thursday, December 13, 2007 11:45 AM
To:     DM; Co-Worker Annette
Subject:        RE: Todays geek-news

"Not a nerds" I thought you said you were an english major? Heh.

_____________________________________________
From:   DM 
Sent:   Thursday, December 13, 2007 11:49 AM
To:     Co-Worker Eric D
Subject:        RE: Todays geek-news

I never said I was a good one.

______________________________________________
From:   Co-Worker Eric D 
Sent:   Thursday, December 13, 2007 11:58 AM
To:     Vittum, Dana M.
Subject:        RE: Todays geek-news

Heh.

The fake wedding is off!

Jamie’s no longer my fake fiancé.  He's a Republican which is against the man list.  There's absolutely no way.  Not for all the El Caminos in the world.

No, I'm not overwhelmed at all...

______________________________________________
From: Dana
Sent: Tuesday, January 22, 2008 6:03 PM
To: Manager Cheryl, Co-worker Jessica
Subject: Pulled call spreadsheet

You may notice that I've created a folder for the pulled call requests (when stock holders call and complain they were given the wrong information) in Cheryl's folder in the U drive. I am going to finish up with last year's spreadsheet tomorrow and also work on entering the pulled calls from this month on the spreadsheet. And then, a magic fairy will come and give me a way to stop time and I will be able to complete all the emails from the Intranet Inbox AND monitor all of my remaining calls. Yay, magic fairy!

**********************************

Also, I got this email forwarded to me the other day. Am I stunned and shocked that these guys are sitting there looking all proud of themselves because they've managed to put an electrical device in the middle of their pool? Well, yes, I am. BUT I'm more concerned about the grammar.

From: Dana
Sent: Monday, January 21, 2008 2:12 PM
To: Keem
Subject: RE: Have you ever wondered what idiots looks like?

What I find the most amusing about this is the "what idiots looks like" is incorrect. It should be "what idiots look like."

Have you ever wondered what idiots looks like?

*




*




Well, wonder no more!





*

YES THAT IS A POWER CORD FLOATING ON FLIP FLOPS

Properly chastened now

Okay, okay.  I guess I should have explained better. 

My mom and I have a strange relationship.  No matter what I do, it never seems like it is good enough for her.  It has always seemed like she wanted to change me, thus the mention of the 453 pamphlets.  This is a reoccurring theme between us.  Whenever she went to the doctor, whenever she saw a newspaper article, she made sure to grab it and send it to me. 

Every time we are together, I can see her watching my every move, how much food did I take, had I quit smoking yet…etc.  For the record, my mom isn't that bad of a person.  She's actually quite great and I love her a lot.  But it's hard to erase past feelings and learned behaviors.

I've had a long history of abusing food, most of it stemming from depression and feeling empty.  Food was a comfort to me.  It helped fill me for short periods of time.  This is no longer the case and hasn't been for years.  I do not eat when I'm depressed, I eat when I'm hungry.  I know what my limits are.  I know that Mountain Dew is not a good choice and that's why I've given it up, for the most part.  I have a water jug at my desk that holds 32 ounces.  I also have a mug at home that holds the same amount of water.  I drink water all the time and love it.  I am even starting to embrace the taste of Diet Cherry Coke.  But yes, every once in awhile I want a Mountain Dew. 

I am watching what I am eating, I am keeping track of my blood sugar levels, I am working on getting them to normal.  But every time someone tells me "No, you can't have that" or "That's not good for you," I feel like I'm 13 or 15 or 18 again, listening to my Mom tell me, without actually saying it, that I'm a fat piece of lard that doesn't deserve to live. 

I know that's not what she's saying.  I know that's not what you're saying.  I know that Diabetes is serious, after all I watched my Great Grandmother die from it.  I know that you're only telling me this because you all love me.  And I appreciate that, I really do.  But I hate feeling like this.  It makes me want to regress and start bingeing again.  And that's very hard to come back from once you slip. 

I am not going to completely give up everything that I love.  You need to understand that.  I will have Mountain Dew on occasion (or maybe not since Kari ruined it for me).  I am going to eat the occasional potato or bread or (gasp) chocolate.  I just hope that you can trust me when I tell you that it's not an every day thing.

ENOUGH!

So my mother found out about my being diabetic.  Kari hadn't wanted to tell her because she was afraid of how Mom would react (Mom has a tendency to panic about stuff).  I didn't want to tell her because I knew it would lead to lectures so I was okay with that.

Well, the other night I get a call from Mom.  I say hi and the first thing out of her mouth is "Is there something you need to tell me?"  Uh, no.  We then spent the next ten minutes where she lectured me about how I need to have the gastric bypass (um, that's my choice, mother) and how she was going to send me stuff.

DM:  NO!  Don't send me anything!  That's why I didn't want to tell you!
Mom:  Why not?
DM:  Because you'll send me 453 pamphlets about this! 

Apparently Kari let the cat out of the bag when Mom was telling her they needed to have an intervention for me because of my weight.  I am now planning an intervention for my mother because she is obviously on crack.  Mom immediately panicked and started filling Kari's head with all of these statistics and how I have to be very careful and could lose a leg and blah, blah, blah. 

This has now led Kari to calling me now and asking me what my level was.  And why don't I go back to the doctor because I need to be on insulin?  Because she talked to someone who said something. 

This morning, Keem threatened to call Kari because I was going to have a can of yummy, yummy Mountain Dew.  I called her bluff and called Kari myself.  Big mistake.  Huge.

DM:  I'm going to have a Mountain Dew.
Kari:  Oh?  Why would you choose to do that to yourself?
DM:  Because it is yummy.
Kari:  I think you need to think about your nephew.  How would he feel if you died because you had that Mountain Dew (she may not have been that dramatic but she's really good at the guilt now that she's a mother)?

DM:  Whatever.  I'm drinking it.

I take a sip.  Hmm.  Something seems to be off here.

DM:  Beau?  Do you want my Mountain Dew?  I only took a sip of it.
Beau:  Why?
DM:  Because it doesn't taste right to me.  I blame my sister.
Beau:  Okay. 
DM:  I hope you are happy.  You have made Mountain Dew taste like guilt.
Kari:  I am.  And your nephew will be happy as well.  Now set up an appointment with your doctor.  I'll take the day off and go with you.

DM:  Okay.  And then you can tell her you think I need insulin.
Kari:  No.  You WILL tell her that.

Is it any surprise to you that her nickname when we were growing up was Brat?  Or Bug?  I think I'm going to start calling her that again.

And, for the record, my level's pretty good today.  Don't panic! 

Thank you all for your comments and hugs from my last post, I really appreciate it.  It is nice to know that y’all care (that was for you, Nancy!  Minnesotans do not typically say y’all).

After a brief interlude Monday morning where my sister played a practical joke on me by telling me she was downstairs waiting for me (and causing me to panic) when she was actually at home, Kari, Eric, Josh and I headed off to the funeral.

There was studying of the obituary to determine 1) the name of our cousins (my mother’s side of the family isn’t as close as we used to be, not since my grandmother died) and 2) names of their spouses.  Kari and I would quiz each other. 

Arriving at the church, we were greeted by several of our cousins.  Kari and I perused the pictures of Aunt Rita and Uncle Jerry, the pictures of family and friends.  There was one picture of the two of them with my grandmother that set me off a little (I miss my grandmother a lot).

The mass was very comforting.  I was baptized Catholic but raised Lutheran (Mom was excommunicated, long story) and it always surprises me how similar the services are.  Which it shouldn’t.  After all, Martin Luther was Catholic.  It was nice to hear some of the elements of the service that I remember from my childhood – such as the Lamb of God song (Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world, have mercy on us (repeated many times), except I think the Lutheran version is cooler. 

The priest read something that had been written by the family.  He talked about how my aunt and uncle met.  Apparently they had been on a double date and didn’t like the people they were with (it might have been a blind date, not sure) so they switched and the rest was history.  They were together for 54 years. 

He also mentioned how she used to make fudge for Uncle Jerry and that started me crying again.  Aunt Rita made the only fudge I ever liked and every Christmas I would greet her with “Hi.  How are you?  Did you make fudge?”  And she would laugh and tell me yes.  She had a beautiful laugh and I always thought she was so glamorous. 

We sat with my Uncle Kenny and Aunt Mary at the luncheon after and caught up.  It was a lot of fun.  We talked about a family dish that I haven’t had in years, called Slacie Klasse (which translates to Fancy Potatoes, I guess).  Uncle Kenny has the recipe and is going to email it to me.*  There’s a 28 potato version and a 54 potato version.  Kari and I are hoping to be able to talk Keem into making it!  It’s not a visually appetizing dish, it’s sort of grayish but it is yummy!  It also has the added benefit of sitting in your stomach for hours after you eat so you don’t want to eat anything else (helpful on Thanksgiving.  I am a huge fan of turkey).

*Which was when I had to explain where the name greenduckiesgirl came from.  I always start the story out about seeing the box of rubber ducks and being happy because then I can sing the rubber duckie song to myself.  That’s when Aunt Mary said “I do as well!”  Which was completely awesome.  I’m not sure if she meant she loves rubber ducks or sings the song but I don’t care. 

Josh was adorable as usual.  He spent some time looking at his Lego catalog.  Apparently he carries it with him everywhere and will pull it out to decide what set he wants next. 

DM:  Well, maybe I’ll have to set up a Josh Lego fund.
Josh:  I like that idea.

As we were headed to the door so I could go back to work, Josh asked if we were leaving.  Kari told him yes. 

Josh:  But I haven’t seen Jesus yet!

Kari brought him over to a huge crucifix so Josh could say hi.

I love that kid.  He is a constant source of amusement and awe.

So to sum it up, I’m doing much better than Friday.  I hope you all had a good weekend.

Yesterday was not a good day

To put it simply, yesterday I ended up in a co-worker's office crying. A lot of things have led up to this:

• I haven't been sleeping well. I'm still a little stuffed up and that has an effect on how well the CPAP works. It takes longer for me to fall asleep and I keep waking up because I can hear myself breathing and it's very annoying.
• We've been very busy at work. Thursday Jessica and I had to get ready for a conference call with another group and I got really behind because I was distracted by my co-workers. I felt like I had let Jessica down because she had to work harder to help me catch up. Fortunately she had made a mistake about the time of the meeting so we had another hour.
• During the conference call, it became apparent that the other group seems to think that their job is just sooo difficult and that Jessica and I have nothing else to do but answer every single question they have instead of them reading the handouts that have been prepared for them. Believe me, you haven't lived until you hear someone say "Well, how am I possibly supposed to know that?" You respond with "Did you check this?" And their response is "Why can't you just tell me?" Unfortunately you can't shout at them "Do your frickin' job, you moron!" People frown on that.
• Meanwhile, during the time we were getting ready for the conference call, several catastrophes took place and messages were sent to our Intranet site (a resource library for reps, part of my job is updating it). When the meeting was over, I pulled up my email to find a total of 15 messages in the library inbox & 25 in my own inbox. Yay!
• Since I'd been sick since Christmas, I hadn't been able to spend much time with Beth so I really looked forward to seeing her Thursday night. Going to karaoke with her and seeing James & Liz was a lot of fun but I had the worst time falling asleep when I got home. I stared at the clock until about 4:00, woke up at 5:00, 6:00 and 7:00. Keem woke me up at 7:45. I was so tempted to call in sick but told myself no!
• Cheryl asked me to go to a meeting at 1 PM because of a crisis that took place this week with one of our new companies. I hate meetings. I get why they are important but honestly, if I could, I'd rather stay at my desk and do my work without having to talk to anyone. Plus, I was so tired at this point, I knew staying awake in the meeting would be difficult.
• Kari had left me a message Thursday night and I didn't get it until it was too late to call her. So I called her Friday and left me a message. She called me back and told me my Aunt Rita had passed away, Uncle Jerry's wife and my godmother.
• I flagged Cheryl down and told her. She asked me if I wanted to go home and I said no, I'd be fine.

Heh. Yeah, that was a mistake.

About 15 minutes later, I was wandering around, trying to find Cheryl and trying to keep the tears from pouring down my face. I had heard she was in the other Jessica's office (first there were the two Cheryls, now I have two Jessicas. Sigh. This Jessica is a manager, the other Jessica also works in the Quality department with me). She wasn't. Manager Jessica is one of the most beautiful women I know - not just because she's gorgeous but because she's so sweet and funny. She right away knew something was wrong (possibly the heavy sigh I let out when I slumped into the chair next to her desk gave it away, I don't know).

With a sob, everything came pouring out.

DM: My aunt died and I'm really tired and I haven't been sleeping and I'm so busy and kind of overwhelmed and I know it'll get better but it just doesn't seem to be stopping with the busy and some of my co-workers are so loud and I can't concentrate and...

Her face was so sympathetic.

DM: And I found a dead squirrel in the parking ramp.
MJ: What?
DM: He was just lying there. His tail was over his head and it made me sad. I like squirrels.

Jessica bursts into laughter. It makes me smile.

DM: I asked Keem if he would frolic again in Heaven. She said yes.
MJ: Are you going to be okay?
DM: Yeah. I think I just need to go home and get some sleep.

I found Cheryl and let her know I had to go home. She was very understanding. I do not think I told her about the squirrel. I might have (I had this awesome post started about how tragedy struck the parking ramp and now I've ruined it but these things happen).

Anyway, I'm doing better now. I did get a little sleep yesterday. The funeral is Monday morning where we'll be saying goodbye to both Uncle Jerry and Aunt Rita (he wanted to be cremated and his ashes will be buried with her (which is sweetly romantic to me)).

Woe is Me and Other Tales of Dana

Title Story

So the powers that be at NABABNA have decided that you cannot blog at work. I’m not sure why. Probably something to do with the fact that they hate me (well me and everyone else who has a blog).

Now, here’s the thing. I’ve known this for awhile. But I am a rebel, baby, and no one can keep me down. Even though Keem kept threatening to call the Ethics Line on me, I kept posting away at work because, hello, really, really fast Internet access and a keyboard that can keep up with the speed that I type (we now have broadband so I can’t use the first excuse anymore but Keem’s keyboard sticks and doesn’t seem to believe that there should be spaces between words or that keyboard is not spelled kybord).

Anyway, one of my co-workers overheard me talking to Co-Worker Jessica last week and panicked on my behalf.

CWJ: You don’t start until 9:30, right? Why are you here so early?
DM: Right. But Keem’s been putting in overtime. I’m going to start now though, because I don’t have any more posts to read today.

Unnamed Co-Worker (UCW): Posting? Are you blogging? You could get into a lot of trouble for that. I got written up.
DM: Oh. Well, then I guess I’ll stop. Dagnabit.

I’m not sure how I’m going to fill my break and lunch time at work now. I am all caught up on transcripts. I stopped making bookmarks because I got promoted and didn’t have time in between calls anymore. I suppose I could make them at lunch time because I can’t find half of the ones I made (which, of course, is the whole reason why I made them in the first place, because I lose bookmarks constantly, usually by leaving them in whatever book I was reading. I have found some favorite bookmarks three years later when I decide to reread a book). There are a few sites that I can still read at work because I just pull them up in www.bloglines.com because of lovely, lovely RSS feeds. I don’t know what I would do without my daily Dilbert fix.

Anyway, I will make the rounds to your blogs on weekends now. I have not forgotten about you. I still adore you all but am forced to comply with the rules now. Stupid rules.

Oh! And to make everything even more fun for me, when we get really busy, I have to take phone calls. And not Help Desk calls which I enjoy (except the screaming ones. I am not fond of being screamed at) but regular calls. Regular “What’s my cost basis” calls. Not that I’ve had a cost basis call yet but I know they are out there. Lurking. Possibly in the freezer with the vampires.

Preparing himself for a lifetime of working in Corporate America

I was talking to my sister the other day and could hear Josh in the background talking about cookies.

Kari: My son’s quite the entrepreneur.
DM: What’s he doing?
Kari: Baking cookies. He’s told me that he’s going to open up a cookie shop and have a website at www dot com.*
DM: That’s cute. Let me talk to him.
Josh: Hello?
DM: Hi, Josh. Are you baking cookies?
Josh: Yes. I am making lots and lots of cookies.
DM: That’s good. Are they yummy?
Josh: Yes. Mumble, mumble, toddler speak, something or another.
DM: Okay.
Kari: Did you hear what he said?
DM: No.
Kari: He said “I work in a box.”
DM: What?

I was worried that Josh had turned into the Ralph Wiggum of his generation (“I sleep in a drawer.”) but apparently, he commandeered the box my Christmas present came in (a humidifier! Lucky me! Although I actually got $50 in gift certificates to Barnes and Noble from them as well so I am not complaining about the practical gift. Well, not much) and turned it into his bakery. Have I mentioned how brilliant and imaginative the nephew is? I’m sure I have before but in case I haven’t; my nephew is brilliant AND imaginative.

*The brilliant part is that he is four and already understands that the Internet requires the www, dot and the com. Just not the filler part. How many four year olds know that? He’s brilliant for many other reasons but what kind of proud aunt would I be if I didn’t brag about my nephew?

Oh and Kari told me what she wanted for Christmas. Legos. My sister has turned into a Lego junkie. I realize she is playing with Josh but who asks for Legos when they are over the age of 8? Or perhaps I am not aware of the power of Legos. Hmm. Perhaps I should research this by purchasing a small Lego set of my own. Although Lord knows I do not need anymore stuff at my desk.

Keem, I was dying but now I am not

Anyway, that’s what’s been going on. Nothing much. I’ve been sick forever and am finally (knock fake wood) on the road to recovery. I went to the Minute Clinic last week (which actually, as Keem and I discovered, is more like the 60 Minutes Clinic because I ended up waiting forever). Turns out I didn’t have strep but instead had sinusitis (which I cannot pronounce and keep referring to cyanideitis or syninenineitis). This is, apparently, when all the mucus in the world decides to take up residence in your head and then drip ever so slowly down your throat which causes the sore throat. So, after lots and lots of drugs, the mucus left my head and took up residence in my lungs for a few days. Yay me! I love mucus!

But the sore throat is finally gone, I can breathe again (more the most part) and night is not a exercise in futility with trying to use my CPAP.

How are all of you?

And no, I didn't break the rules, this post was my first email post! Isn't technology wonderful? Now if I could only comment by email…which, yes, I know I could send you all emails but I like to actually comment on posts themselves. I figure since I'm a comment junkie you probably all are as well.

The Future is Now

2008 is here. I'm not sure how I feel about this. It just seems so odd. Back in 1985, when I was graduating from high school, I vaguely remember thinking that we'd have rocket cars by now. There are no rocket cars. But, hey, even if there were, it's not like I could drive one.

Beth and I went to a party James threw. It was...interesting. By interesting I mean that Beth and I stood around and hoped someone would talk to us. It is somewhat disheartening to realize that the "cool kids" you are nervous around are actually a bunch of comic book geeks. I managed to exchange entire sentences with Tony, the coolest of the cool kids, by mentioning the Flash logo on his shirt. I mentioned meeting the perfect guy for me until he dissed Captain Kirk. Tony then started talking about Boston Legal which I have never seen, even though I do love William Shatner. After he wandered off, I turned to Beth.

DM: I talked to Tony.
B: You did. I'm impressed.
DM: At least I didn't tell him I enjoyed William Shatner's singing.
B: Yes. I'm proud of you for that.

We left at about 12:25, after watching Dick Clark count down the New Year. Of all people to share this with, did he have to choose Ryan Seacrest? The man annoys me. I think it's his hair. Or maybe the fact that he's a no-talent smarmy jerk. One or the other.

Beth and I headed back to my place and spent the next two hours playing "Ask the iPod."
Apparently I am going to get drunk sometime in August and have sex with Stubes.* Multiple times. Um, what? I don't think so, iPod! Beth has been informed that I am NOT to be drinking during August through November. Although it could be worse. It could be Scottish Craig.

*Stubes is not that annoying, he's actually a nice guy when he's not trying to be funny but I am not attracted to him at all.

As for my health, well, I'm pretty sure I have strep. I woke up today and my throat hurts more than it has the entire time I've been sick. If I blow my nose, it hurts. If I yawn, it hurts. So, as you can imagine, trying to eat or drink anything has been Super Fun! I'll be going to the Minute Clinic tonight. I'd go see Deb but I really don't feel like spending a $30 co-pay on a throat culture.

Oh, well, off to work. Yay! The excitement never ceases!

2007 in review

Happy New Year. I am still sick but on the road to recovery, I believe. I no longer feel as though I swallowed glass. More like safety glass (And no, I've never swallowed either but I think safety glass has to be less prickly than actual glass). Plus the swelling in my glands has gone down. They are no longer freakishly swollen. Yay me!

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Turned 40. Started falling apart (body, not mentally).

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn’t make one. I am for 2008.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth or adopt?
No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My Uncle Jerry. A friend of the family, Elaine.

5. What countries did you visit?
There’s this thing you need to have in order to travel. It’s called money. I stayed in Minnesota with the occasional detour to Wisconsin.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
I’m not sure. I really don’t think I was lacking anything. Except maybe passionate kisses.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Is it sad that I have to look through my blog to figure this out? I’ll get back to this question. Actually, I posted the year in review right below this.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting promoted.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Losing weight.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Hee. Let’s see. I am diabetic. I have a heel spur. Arthritis in my left knee. Too many literally crappy days to count. And, as I type this, the sore throat from Hell and a fevered brow.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Books. Books are our friends.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Why, Beth and Keem, of course. I adore them both.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
George “I am an idiot” W. Bush.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Probably books. And rent. My apartment is very pretty but expensive.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to the Mustard Museum in Mount Horeb, Wisconsin. And the House on the Rock in Spring Valley, Wisconsin. Taking a road trip to Wisconsin with Beth.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
I’m not sure why but “Oh, oh, oh, Staying Alive” just popped into my head. Could be my body’s way of saying “Cheer up, Dana. You’re not dead! Yet!”

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
Happier
b) thinner or fatter?
Fatter
c) richer or poorer?
Richer!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercising.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Getting sick. I hate being sick. And yes, this is the same answer as last year.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Well, it's after Christmas. Mainly I spent Christmas Eve with Eric, Kari and Josh at Rob and Betty's. Christmas Day I spent at home.

This is the same answer as last year. The only difference is that this year Keem stayed home on Christmas Day as well. That was fun. And I cooked!

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Nope. I discovered that I’d be better off with an android. Less mess emotionally.

22. How many one-night stands?
Hee. Yeah, that would be zero. Sex is not my thing lately (actually, lately isn’t exactly the right word since sex hasn’t been my thing since the 1990’s). I haven’t met anyone I want to shave my legs for. Which is why the android would be a plus.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
HEROES! Lost, How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory.

I’m so sad. Last year The Class was on here and they cancelled it. Bastards. But The Big Bang Theory is hi-larious!

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don’t have the time to bother with hating anyone. That gives them too much importance. I’d rather just forget about them.

25. What was the best book you read?
I discovered Harlan Coben, he’s a fantastic author. I think my favorite by him was probably The Woods. I read so much that it is really hard to say any one book is the best. I tend to go by authors. So I’d say Harlan Coben and Nora Roberts.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Anna Nalick. Thanks for introducing her to me, Beth!

27. What did you want and get?
Books. I really, really like books.

28. What did you want and not get?
A million dollars.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Enchanted

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Went to see The Mikado with Beth, Keem and my Mom. Told my Mom I was 40 and could do what I want. Then I went to the world’s best steakhouse (Manny’s) and had steak. Liz and James met my Mom and my sister and I was told that I turned out pretty good, considering (they meant my mother, not Kari).

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Same as last year. My life is good. I like it. I’m happy. Not even being diabetic is all that annoying. I guess having a cat that actually liked to cuddle with me would be good.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
I continuously expect for Stacy and Clinton from What Not to Wear to jump out at me. I am not what you’d call fashionable.

33. What kept you sane?
Beth. Keem. Effexor and Seraquel
Same as last year. Adding blogging to this.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
How long to you have? There’s many men that I wouldn’t mind being fashioned into androids. I saw the Italian Job again last night and I’ve been drooling over the War DVD previews so I’m thinking I’ve got to say Jason Statham right now. Martial arts and English? Yummy. Sorry, Rowan Atkinson, you’ve been replaced.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
I try to avoid politics. They depress me. But I’d have to say that I am against pretty much anything that George Bush says.

36. Who did you miss?
Thought of my grandmother a few times. She’s been gone for years but she was such a great woman.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Betsy. My totally kick-ass niece. I met her at karaoke a couple of weeks ago. I’ve met her before, at my Dad’s funeral and also at various Vittum family events throughout the years but she is 12 (13?) years younger than me so these times do not stick out.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
Um, blog more? I seem to have written a lot less than normal.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
“I was tired of January. I was tired of July.” KT Tunstall. I don’t know why. Maybe because these are my least two favorite months.

In January, 2007 I:

Decorated my desk with political paraphenalia (I am very, very liberal)
Tried to write a mystery where the murder weapon is sausage gravy
Wrote an essay about Scooby Doo
Gave into the chicken conspiracy and was photographed with a chicken on my head

In February, 2007 I:

Met the perfect guy - at least until he dissed Captain Kirk

In March, 2007 I:

Turned 40 and told my mom I could do what I want
Turned 40 and my body started falling apart
Cut my hair without benefit of a mirror - yes, I am a dork.

In April, 2007 I:

Sang "Passionate Chickens" at karaoke (a "fun with drunk people" post!)
Decided I was possibly adopted
Was attacked by an egg roll and feared for my life (because of the soy sauce loving bees)
Made love to a microphone (a "fun with drunk people" post!)
Said goodbye to a dear friend
Wrote a love note for James (not to him, for him. The to was Craig)

In May, 2007 I:

Discovered my cat is really, really spoiled
Went to the Mustard Museum! The Mustard Museum!!!

In June, 2007 I:

Had a discussion about Star Trek: TNG that was overheard and a co-worker thought I was possibly a serial killer
Was amused about random, random things
Went to the zoo and took pictures (including a cat that plays Trivial Pursuit)
Got really upset about road signs

In July, 2007 I:

Discovered it is possible to suffer from karaoke rage (a "fun with drunk people" post!)
Sang about Smushy Faced Kittiiiiiieeeeesss (a "fun with insane people (that would be me)" post!

In August, 2007 I:

Wanted to stab someone with a fork and "met" my future boyfriend, the Numa Numa guy
Got hit on!!!! I know! And he was cute!
Had my purse invaded by Apricot Syrup
Discovered yet another thing I'm allergic to

In September, 2007 I:

Posted about a great trip to Wisconsin with Beth
Discovered how very bad I am at Geography
Was hijacked by a crazy woman

In October, 2007 I:

Went to Octoberfest and bought a wife for my piggy bank Pig
Got promoted

In November, 2007 I:

Discovered my cat has a laundry basket fetish

Tortured my cat and have the pictures and videos to prove it

Cut my hair. Again. This time I used a mirror.

Discovered that leg warmers are back

Witnessed the odd musical that was Cat Side Story

Witnessed the Paw of Justice. Proposed to a co-worker

In December, 2007 I:

Wrote about the time I went to prison

Posted my wedding announcement

Bleh

Did I have a good Christmas? Yes.
Did I learn a valuable lesson? Yes.
Would that lesson be "Do not kiss your nephew multiple times when you know he's sick even though he is quite possibly the most adorable child in the Universe and has inherited your imagination?" Yes again.

I'm at work, with my fevered brow and throat that is apparently on fire. I want to crawl under my desk and sleep. Except I know perfectly well that if I manage to get onto the floor, I'm not ever getting up again.

Hope you all had a good Holiday. Much love. Do not kiss sick children! Do you know how ill I am? Mountain Dew doesn't taste like delicious ambrosia. It tastes yucky! This is obviously a sign of the apocoloypse.

Sigh. Only 6 hours to go before I can go home.

And it's snowing. Stupid winter.

It made me laugh so I'm posting it

It's been busy at work this month. I have more calls to monitor than last month and I'm also responsible for helping with the updating of our internal web page resource so I'm torn. Monitor calls or update the resource where the reps are getting their information from. I'll learn how to juggle things soon, I hope.

------------------------------------------------

I have a new Co-worker who sits by me. She's a very sweet girl and has been very nice to me (will massage my back when she can tell I'm extra stressed out, has bought me lunch a few times when I was between paychecks and she just happened to be headed over to Subway, has brought in a glazed donut that she picked out especially for me because she knows I love them (and then told me I couldn't have Mountain Dew because I had a donut and I can only have sugar in moderation)) and we're even joking that her unborn child will be Jamie and my grandchild (since I also have decided I want grandchildren without the trouble of having children) because she is young enough to be my daughter. I mentioned that she's very sweet, right? Really, really sweet.

She's driving me insane. She is, in a word, perky. Or peppy. Or, and this is my personal favorite, annoying as all fuck. Oh, wait, that's not one word? Too bad.

On Halloween she came over to my desk and expressed dismay that I had not dressed up.

I, being the cranky bitch that I am, responded with something along the lines that "I don't dress up."*

*When I told Beth, James and Liz this, they responded with a lot of "Hello, do you remember your Queen of the Universe costume?" and "What? You do!" until I had to say "I forgot, okay?" and then they responded with "Well, why didn't you just tell her that" and I finally said "Because I don't like her! She annoys me!"**

**It's not so much that she's annoying as that she is relentless in her cheeriness.

I like to delude myself that I am a upbeat person. I can be upbeat. I can be optimistic. Sometimes I even walk around and sing songs. They are usually random songs and may consist a lot of la's but still...they are songs.

Beth called me a cynic once & I was horribly insulted.

DM: I am not a cynic! I'm an optimist. I'm optimistic! I am!
Beth: Dana, your favorite website is despair.com.

I like to maintain that this is not the point. How can you not like despair.com? It's the best website ever! Some of my favorites - Motivation, Madness, Burnout, Bitterness, Pessimism, Power and Wishes. I own Motivation and Burnout in the attractive Desktopper. I also own the coffee mug that says "This glass is exactly half empty."

Hmm. Maybe I am a cynic.

Anyway, when I was promoted, part of the requirement was that I move to a new desk. This was exciting for me because, hello, new shiny desk! I like moving (I just hate the whole moving process). And, as much as I hate to admit it, moving is one of the things that will get me to clean (or throw a lot of crap into boxes at the last minute).

I found out where I was going to be sitting and liked the location. I'm close to Keem's new desk, right across the aisle from co-worker Jessica (she's the other QA person here) & close to a bunch of cool people.

Guess who is now sitting across the aisle from me on my left? Go ahead. Guess.

Why, yes, that is right. It's co-worker Viviacious (fake name but pretty close to her real name).

When she found out we were going to be row-mates, she was very excited.

V: Yay! And we can talk to each other and braid each other's hair and...
DM: I am going to kill you.

The next day, I was walking down the hall & she grabbed my arm and cuddled up against me.

V: Hi, neighbor! This is so exciting! We can have slumber parties and...
DM: Please stop touching me. I will have to kill you now.
V: Why?
DM: Because...because...um...because you're perky!

She finds this hilarious and starts saying things like this to drive me insane.

Our first day next to each other, she tells me about a dream she had.

V: So you, Alec Baldwin & I are running a race.
DM: I'm assuming I lost.
V: No, we both did. Surprisingly, Alec Baldwin is very fast.

I lost it. She was just so matter-of-fact about it.

Last month, I was complaining to Beth about this new seating arrangement and how she is driving me nuts (Vivacious, not Beth) and what am I going to do?

Beth: I hate to tell you this, Dana, but she sounds like a lot of fun.
DM: She is! But that's not the point!

Co-worker Eric is very amused by this. He wants emails about the struggles. He's expecting ones from her that are all "lalalalalala" and ones from me that are all "make her stop!!! Make her stop!!!"

It's been almost two months now. So far I've let her live. I even let her hug me.

Co-worker V: Lalalalala (I have no idea what she was saying, I was trying to ignore it).
DM: Do you ever shut up?
Keem: Dana! That's mean!
DM: What? I let her hug me. I get to be mean to her for the rest of the day. It's our rule.
Co-worker V: Yep.

You know what the worst part about this is? The fact that she reminds me of me and how I used to drive Former Boss Mike crazy with my random la's. I guess Karma really does get you in the end.

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Co-worker Laurie sent this to me today, knowing I'd get a chuckle from it. And I did. So I'm posting it. Which is pretty much what my title says anyway but, hey, I am all about stating the obvious.

The pastor asked if any one in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They
were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say with time, his scrotum should recover completely.' All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is STERNUM.'

Hee.

C is for Caroling

So many, many, many years ago, when I was quite young (probably around 13 or 14 because that's about the time I started remembering things about my childhood again (long story, might be handled under D is for Daddy Issues)), my sister and my next door neighbor friend Linda and I had gone to church (this was when I went to Saint Andrew's Lutheran Church in Mahtomedi and it was the best church in the world and I miss it but it is in Mahtomedi and I don't live there anymore (They had bagpipes on Christmas! It was awesome!)) one Sunday and, you know, I think I'm going to start this over because I tend to run on just a bit. In case you didn't notice.

Okay. Kari, Linda and I are walking home from church one Sunday in December. For some reason, Kari and Linda are up ahead of me. Anyway, this orange tabby cat walked up and started purring at me. I am a sucker for a cat, especially a friendly cat, so of course I started petting him. He rubbed up against me and then trotted off, heading after Kari and Linda.

When I got home, a few minutes after Kari, she was telling Mom that he followed her home. Could she keep him? He was the best cat ever and look how cuddly he was and he would be a great companion for Kitty (Real name Buttons. We did not name her. She was given to us by our half sister years before. And she was the best cat ever and I still miss her because she would let me cry into her fur while I was being an angsty teenager and purr at me. But this cat was a pretty close second).

Mom, being a mother, did her job properly and said that we needed to find out if he had a family. So the plan was put in place for Operation Pretend We Are Following Instructions. We decided that we would go caroling and we would take the cat with us but we would disguise him so no one would recognize him. For some reason, we decided the disguise should be a clown costume. Apparently my terror regarding clowns would not begin until years later, probably when I read It for the first time. I blame Stephen King for a lot of my fears. Clowns, the common cold, foggy days. Vampires in the freezer (although I'm not sure he has anything to do with that one).

Anyway, cat was dressed up. We needed a name. A good cat name. What should we name this cat that we weren't supposed to have? Hmm. I remembered reading my Bread for Children* magazine that day. The editor had written about how her husband had died. In honor of him, I decided to name the cat Clyde. It stuck.

*Religious magazine my mother decided I needed to read. It wasn't overly annoying and sometimes could be quite fun. Plus, I have rarely ever turned down reading material. Good messages for the most part. Although they thought ET was an evil movie. That's about the time I decided to quit reading them because I distinctly remember rolling my eyes over this.

We wandered around the neighborhood, finding that caroling was a great way to get treats (do I miss the mentality that it was okay for four young girls (our friend Molly came along) to wander the streets after dark and go up to houses of people they don't know? Yes, I do) and meet people. It was fun and oddly enough, I barely noticed the cold. Until my nose froze off.

It was at one house that Clyde decided to get into the act. We were singing Silent Night.

Girls: Round yon virgin, mother and chiiiillld.

Clyde sticks his head out of the blanket he is covered in (because, hey, can't find his home if no one can see him, right?)

Clyde: Mrrrrroooow.

No one ever claimed Clyde, we ended up keeping him. Mom was less than thrilled with this, since she is not a cat person (and wonders how she, a dog person, ended up raising two cat people). She was also less thrilled the following morning when Clyde, in a "Hey, welcome me to the family!" gesture decided to sleep on her pillow. This wouldn't probably be so bad except that Clyde had obviously been a fighter and part of his ear had been ripped. It looked as though it was starting to heel but the coldness of Minnesota in winter had ended up with the tip of his ear freezing. And falling off on Mom's pillow.

Clyde was an outdoor cat. I will never forget the time he decided that he had to feed us, these poor defenseless humans he protected, and came in one night clutching a mole in his mouth. Mom wasn't home and Kari and I, to put it lightly, freaked the heck out. We ran from room to room, screaming, while Clyde trotted along, his kill proudly displayed. Finally Kari and I locked ourselves in her room.

The next morning we woke to Mom screeching at the top of her lungs, wondering where her babies were. I suppose if you came home and found a dead mole on your daughter's pillow, you'd be a little worried about the serial killers grabbing them as well.

He was constantly on the table when he didn't belong there, driving Mom crazy. He seemed to enjoy the thrill of the water bottle spraying him when he jumped up there.

He scared the heck out of me again one night when I saw him fishing something out of the buffet drawer. Turned out it was the hair Mom had collected from my first official haircut when I was 13 and she had saved in a plastic bag for years. She was less than thrilled with Clyde for messing up her memory (she cried as she collected the hair. It was something I never understood until I started scrapbooking).

One night I had made myself a sandwich and was watching TV. As was his wont, Clyde jumped up on the couch behind me. I thought nothing of it until this little paw reached out, dragged the sandwich to him and took a bite. Apparently he was also fond of summer sausage and mayo. He also expressed a desire for Mountain Dew and would drink out of my glass.

He was spoiled and rambuctious and a pain in the ass. But we loved him. Even Mom grew to tolerate him.

When Kari was in high school, Clyde was diagnosed with cancer. There's a picture in my head, a memory of a real picture that was taken right before Clyde went to the vet. Kari is clutching him while he sits on her books for school, her eyes filled with unshed tears. It's a picture I will never forget, one that makes me teary-eyed even now. Clyde was Kari's cat just as Kitty was mine. And she had no idea what was going to happen. The vet told Mom that he would open Clyde up and try to save him. Unfortunately the cancer had spread and Clyde was put to sleep. The vet did not charge us for this and also sent us a Christmas card that year, wishing us well with dealing with the loss of a beloved pet. I've always remembered that kindness.

I think of Clyde every year, every time I hear Silent Night. The first time I hear it each year, I always hear "Round yon virgin, Mother and Chiiiillld...Mrrrowww."