For DeAnn

DeAnn asked me two questions which I've been meaning to answer and have not done so yet. So this post is for her. Think of it as another birthday present, DeAnn. I doubt highly that anyone could have topped this, a priceless post from myself (yes, yes, I am only kidding).

One - You asked me what I do. Other than providing endless bursts of laughter for everyone who I come into contact with, I also am a gleeful harbringer of joy as well and...oh, you probably meant what I do for a living, huh?

Okay, I am a frustrated author. I have started approximately six novels but have never finished them. I am toying with an idea now for one, which was inspired by a novel that I dared Beth to write. The problem is that I'll start something and then I never finish it because a) I get distracted easily (Squirrel!), b) I over-analyze everything that I write and rarely ever get more than a first chapter (but there's all these damn characters in my head with their lives! Why can't they get out and write their own lives?) and c) I'm lazy and have an aversion to hard work. Seriously. Blogging is more fun. But what publisher is going to pay millions of dollars to read about why my blog is called "Green Duckies and Other Tales of Dana"?

My real job is making fun of customers for a blog that Keem, Beth and I share called "Out of the Mouths of Morons" or Moron Mouth, as we have affectionately nicknamed it. Well, actually, that's just a fun benefit. I work for a bank. I used to work in the main banking call center, helping retail customers with their concerns and queries. Or, more accurately, I used to be a supervisor and listen to people yell at me. A LOT. Because, hey, did you know that it's our fault that they are overdrawn? The fact that they have no clue on how to balance an account is not considered at all. Nope. It's all our fault. We are the anti-Christ.

That, surprisingly enough, got to be a just a teeny bit stressful and I had to take a good look at my life. I said to myself "Self, this is crazy. You are killing yourself. Get out now!" So I did. I still love NABABNA (our nickname for our bank. We're not putting our real name because, remember, everyone hates us), it is a great company to work for so I looked for something a lot less stressful. This meant taking a demotion of sorts and going to another call center, just not for retail accounts. Now I deal with people investing in the stock market. If they get cranky and want to talk to a supervisor because, oh my God, their stocks lost money (who knew the stock market could be so risky? My goodness), I get to go find someone else to take the call. Plus, this call center is only five miles from home and on a bus route. Not that I'll take the bus but still, it's there.

Two - You asked about the relationship with our blogs. No, Keem, Matt and Beth are not my children (although I know they are laughing over this because I am old) but we joke about it.

Keem is my roommate. My female roommate. We have a male roommate named Jeff but he does not blog. She is like my sister and we hang out together, doing stuff, including getting haircuts.

Here's the story. We went to Great Clips. Keem had never been there so, when she gave her phone number and it was the same as mine, the assumption was made that she must have the last name as me. A few days later, we are at work, she pulls out the receipt and says, quite loudly, "Oh, my God, Dana. My receipt says Keem Jones (not my real last name but, for the sake of the story, pretend it is).

Mike overhead this and says "You know, if you want to get presents, you should really tell people when you're getting married." He meant it as a joke and kept backing up this joke by listening to us argue and deciding that Keem acts like my wife.

Now, while I support gay rights and think it is important that everyone be treated equally, I am not a lesbian. Neither is Keem. But Mike kept up with the jokes. After awhile, we started making them as well. Because, seriously, sometimes we do fight like a married couple. But she's just so damn bossy.

Meanwhile, Beth and Adam are roommates at the time. Beth refers to Adam as her little brother. Adam and I go to Great Clips one day and he gets a hair cut. A few weeks later, there is a coupon in my mail, addressed to Adam Jones. Keem and I laugh about this and decide to tell Mike about it, to see what he'll say. I am using this as proof that Keem and I are not married.

Does it work? No. Mike looks at the coupon and says "He's your illegitimate love child."

Well, that must mean that if Adam is my son and he is Beth's little brother, Beth is now my daughter. Beth also refers to Matt as her big brother. So Matt is now my son. And now I have grandchildren (who are very confused when Matt calls me Dad. I believe Ali said "But she's a girl.").

Recently, I told Larry (Firebear) that he was like my long-lost brother. Beth and Matt have started calling him Uncle Larry. And, the other day, I was writing a comment to Serial Angel and Keem asked who she was. My reply "Well, if you read my comments, you would think she was my daughter. Who lives in England and who I've never met." Keem's reply? "Oh. Okay." Beth and I were talking about The Lioness and I think we referred to her as our really cool cousin from Portugal. Or aunt. I don't remember.

So, while none of us are related by blood, there's a connection that goes deeper than that. This is my family. But, if you don't mind, while I may joke about Keem being my wife, I'd prefer to think of her as my sister. Thanks.

Previous Comments:

At 8:10 PM, Matt said...

Father,I am more now confused than ever, if you are referring to Mother as your sister, does that mean that my Aunt is really my Mother, and if that is the case then wouldn't that make Beth my Cousin? If so, then that must make me my own Grandpa.....Help Me, I'm Possessed! (Quick, what movie was that from?)

No wonder Alli acts like a boy, Vinnie is into scrapbooking, and Riley is starting his own faction of the junior Irish Republican Army....God help the worl when they reach legal drinking age.

Love,

You son (or would that be your nephew?),

Matt (or is that Billyjoejimbob?)

At 2:46 AM, DeAnn said...

I don't know if I'm more or less confused now!! ;)

Just kidding. Thanks for answers.

And also, I do kind of think banks are evil. No offense or anything. But I've been one of those people with the overdrawn account and I don't know WHY they have to make my life so hard by charging me $300 million dollars! That I cannot afford. But, you know what, if you go all the way to the top of the banking order you CAN get someone to overturn at least most of your fees.

However, I now have overdraft protection, which totally saves my butt. It's not that I don't know how to balance my check book. It's that I hate doing it, so I don't. I know about how much money I have and now I have a cushion. So, it all works out! Plus, I make more money now than I used to when I was overdrawn a lot. That helps.

At 8:42 AM, The Lioness said...

Stop fuddling w kinship rules you mad women and men, they'll come back to haunt you!Seriously, what is this Aunt thingy??? I'm disgusted. I'm older than Beth and younger than you. Theoretically, I could be your Aunt but have you gone completely batty??? I'LL BE A COUSIN THANK YOU VERY MUCH! Leave me out of the bloody mess. Good grief. Foreigners ARE insane.

At 1:23 AM, brooksba said...

Dana,I do think of the Lioness as our cousin. Except she's your cousin and my great cousin? How does that work?

Hmmm.

We already determined that Matt and I are adopted. That's why there's no blood relation. Sorry, still on that horrible kick.

I'll stop one of these days.

Your (adopted) daughter,

Beth

P.S. Watching my father and my brother sing a song about dating was a little strange last night.